Funniest thing i heard was at college during the Emergency training. I was on the input side and my friend controlling. Traffic was a BAW*** 737 lined up on 26, and another a/c, a BRT*** 146 along taxiway S (parallel to the runway taxing opposite direction to get to holding point). He cleared the BAW for take off. Now, remember, with these emergency excercises, everyone is just waiting for something to happen. However, unfortunately the NATS simulators are prone to the odd gremlins and every now and again, an a/c instead of taking off down the runway, as you would expect, will roll out, at an angle accross the airfield.
Of course, it happened here, the BAW rolled out in a SW direction, straight into the path of the BRT a/c taxiing out. Pannicking as he thought it was part of the excersise all you could hear on RT was:

Trainee: 'OH MY GOD! err...Brittish***..eeer..'
Instructor in the background vindictively: 'do something'
Trainee: (as BAW plows along towards BRT) 'British*** eer...TRAFFIC INFORMATION...'

Now works at a London Airport :D

Heard this exchange recently on the Heathrow Director frequency:

A/C: "Hello Heathrow, Callsign XYZ descending flight level one hundred to Lambourne, Airbus A319 with information, er, (short pause) Whiskey."
ATC: "Callsign XYZ roger, information Mike is current so your paper must be upside down."
A/C: "Sorry about that, I couldn't see where I'd written it down and I was just guessing."

Doug

Something similar, and probably done earlier ....

Pan Am inbound to Berlin/Tegel (shows my age!):

Pan Am: Berlin, Clipper 234 FL075 with info 'C'.
Berlin: Clipper 234, Present ATIS 'W', proceed inbound THF (Tempelhof VOR)
Pan Am 234: Much change?

Another one from good old Heathrow...
Departure runway is 09R so aircraft on Compton SIDs (to the west) are being given amended departure clearances for separation from arrivals from the south.

Tower: Speedbird XYZ, departure instructions
A/C: Let me guess, straight ahead to London 2DME, then turn right heading 220 degrees, climb to 6000 feet.
Tower: Correct. You don't happen to know tonight's lottery numbers as well do you?

A/C: "Was it for xxx to pick up the localizer and down to 4000?"
APP: "Affirm. It's hard to remember what I said but that sounds good enough!"

Last year in the major scottish east coast airport: We are turning onto stand as the B737 (an Irish low cost airline not known for hanging about) that landed behind us vacates and checks in with Ground, ATC responds "Good morning Rxxxxxx XXX, you can hurtle in through Echo and park on Stand 3".

Today just caught the end of the conversation when we changed frequencies.
ATC : apologies I was looking at one thing and thinking of something else.
A/C : I do that with my wife.

NavCanada Comeback
 

Recently, at FL430 M.91, while crossing back into Canada from the Glasgow (GGW) VOR in NE Montana, we made a first call to Winnipeg Center who said: "At Edmonton's request, slow to Mach decimal 89."

We did. Shortly after, we were handed off to Edmonton Center and a pleasant lady's voice said: "Slow to Mach decimal 82."

I was on the other radio as the FO took the call and started to slow. Going out on a limb, I made a polite call back and said: "Ahhhh (humbly, and with respect) this is just an idea Ma'am... but given that we were just doing Mach .91, 510 true knots, and pushing only 20 kts of wind, could we please rethink the idea about slowing us almost 300 NM back from destination for a potential VUCAN conflict? I wonder if there something more efficient for everybody involved."

Transmission complete, I quickly realized it was a loaded and somewhat pompous question with the possibility of producing many "interesting" responses.

If we were in conflict with anybody below, even those 50 miles ahead, they were doing around M.78, pushing 70 knots of wind, and not real contenders for VUCAN. However, I also knew that I didn't have the complete traffic picture. Her potential conflict could have been another Calgary arrival from a different direction.

Furthermore, my ad hoc suggestion was made somewhat impulsively and I was a little wary of the inevitable response. I gave a suspicious look. The guy I was flying with had a startled demeanor and mumbled: "Oh man, you're in trouble."

Surely, everybody on the frequency had a different reaction when we heard a sultry:

"Citation X: After looking at you again, let her run at Mach decimal 91 and we'll see how it works out."

I asked for a slow decent so that we could increase to 530 knots true. While decending, I also needed her permission to level off in order to avoid increasing headwinds. She obliged me the whole way down and as we got closer I saw that she would have her desired separation at the fix.

As fate would have it, the conflicting traffic was from another direction and not part of my initial scenario. Nonetheless, I suavely keyed the microphone and said: "Edmonton Center: How's the speed looking?"

She responded with: "Citation X: Speed's looking good. Keep it up. Contact Calgary Arrival on 25.9. And let this be a lesson to all of you who think a woman will never compromise."

I thanked her for exemplary customer service, and quickly switched to arrival. :ooh:

from fellow london radar colleague and speedbird heading north, looking for a quick route for transplant organ on board:
A/C: "evening london, speedbird xxx passing xxx climbing FL xxx...... and we have a live organ on board"
ATC (quick as a flash):" speedbird xxx, roger.... whats he playing?"
made us laugh anyway.:ok:
W

Heard in IOM. The local Shell driver had asked for permission to go to area Mike- a trip taken numerous times each day.

Fueller- "Tower Shell one , now reached area Mike"

Reply from Tower- "well done!"

Funny
 

At the holding point at Gold Coast Airfield behind a Piper and a departing 737-800.

Said the controller: "Piper ABC, line up behind the Virgin"

:D

av8plume Sorry to spoil your fun but the above date is probably the first time that line was used, and to save the bother of the next one, "I wouldn't fly on Virgin, who wants to go with someone who's never been all the way?":)

Good one I heard a few month ago:

ATC. xyz123, turn left heading 150 degrees, report your heading.

ACC. left heading 150 degrees (slight pause) . . .heading 150 degrees with a chuckle

it really tickled us!

Ahhhh yes, the good old "Climb runway heading.......and report the heading"

ATC:xyz123 report intention?
a/c(on base): i want to become a commercial pilot.

atc: xyz123 report intention?
a/c(female pilot): roger.
and she did this 4 times.
phew....

At a tower at an RAF airfield near the Miele factory in Germany many moons ago, dealing with an eclectic mix or Harrier GR3s, Pumas and the newley arrived Chinook helios and visiting fast jets on practice diversions, the trooper (then operated by Britannia and a 737, but sporting a paint job two or three versions earlier than their current one), taxying out asked Tower,

"Do you juggle balls as well?"

A major American airline check's on and is given route including the STAR to the hold (Willo) for KK, dutifully read back.

A few transmissions pass, then...

"London, do you have time for a question?"

"Go ahead..."

"We've never been to London before, this Willo2D, do we just descend at our discretion to make the level restrictions down to seven at willo?"

Gulp... :eek:

This was under normal ops, and maybe it's not such a stupid question, but it made me chuckle, and the BA behind.

At least he asked!

WW

King of Speed
 

Reproduced from;

http://http://www.jumbojoke.com/the_...speed_844.html

True story? Dunno, but it sounds plausible. hope it's not already here......

- - -

There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.

It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.

I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back seat. There he was, with no really good view of the incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four different radios. This was good practice for him for when we began flying real missions, when a priority transmission from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult, too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during my entire flying career I had controlled my own transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however. Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.

We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed.

Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground."

Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country's space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that... and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.

Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed.

"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed."

Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.

Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios.

"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."

Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet.

And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion:

"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."

And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.

I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet.

Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke:

"Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?"

There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an everyday request:

"Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."

I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice:

"Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money."

For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the HoustonCentervoice, when L.A. came back with,

"Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."

It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short, memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's work.

We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.

The story is true, me thinks. The same one was told me in person by the man himself at Reno Air Races in 1999 if I remember well.

Brian Shul aka as Sled Driver's author. One of the finest memories book on the legendary SR71.


PZ :ok:

Priceless
 

Lifted from the SPTA forum, logged on May 17 ....

RNHF's Sea Fury checked in with Boscombe to request Radar Information Service whilst carrying out General Handling in the block FL100-180.

I/C went something like...
Sea Fury:- 'Boscombe, Sea Fury'
Boscombe:- 'Roger - identified, what service do you require?'
Sea Fury:- 'would like radar information service...'
Boscombe:- 'Can you confirm aircraft type please'
Sea Fury:- 'Er - It's a Sea Fury'
Boscombe:- 'Ah, sorry, not familiar'
Unid:- 'Must be too young'

Just Heard on Manchester
a helicopter crossing the approach, was cleared behind the embraer 145
was heard to say that thin thing on finals?
Made me laugh
Ian

Bless GA !
 

GA plane joining Kemble from the NW last week,

A/C "Confirm by your threshold you have gliders"?

FISO "Last time I looked they were 747s"

A/C "Ahh Roger ..............I ll reposition for your overhead again"

Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site

NM

At an Area Radar Unit a Long Long Time Ago...
 

My first post
 

Heard on the Airfield OPS frequency (vehicles, maintenance, etc...) at LPLA (Lajes - Azores).

There was work going on the lighting system:
- Switch it on.
10 seconds went by, then
- SWITCH IT OFF, SWITCH IT OFF
another 30 seconds
- It's OK, he's back on his feet now.
________________________________________

- TOWER, OPS 4, request to cross the RWY at TWY X-RAY
- OPS 4, TOWER, say again??? (TWY's only went to J)
- Request permission to cross the RWY at TWY X-RAY
- OPS 4, TOWER, report position
- I'm next to the TWY with an X painted on the ground.
_________________________________________

There was this guy digging a trench, I don't know what for, near the edge of the RWY. We had to get him off for traffic landing and departing. After a few calls with no answers I sent a vehicle to get him out. He finally comes on the frequency to apologize, he heard me calling him but his hands were dirty and the radio was brand new...
_________________________________________

There were cows grazing on the edge of the RWY so, once more, we sent an OPS vehicle to chase them out. Later, Airfield OPS called the TOWER to relay the shepherd’s apology but “these cows are new and don’t know the aerodrome layout yet…”


Didn’t think these funny at the time…

:D:D:D:D:D

"C/S squawk 7000 and freecall Farnborough....give my wife a wave out of your left window"

quick as a flash.

"But who is that climbing in your window?"

Last year I was flying near a regional airport recieving a service from the approach frequency. The controller on is known, with some justification, as 'Grumpy' (he provides a very professional service but often come across like a jaded school teacher.)
A inbound charter aircraft called up. After the initial details were passed...
APPROACH "Charter 123, how many pax have you on board?"
CHARTER 123 "Oh, it's okay, everything is sorted with handling."
APPROACH (very irate voice) "Charter 123, that is NOT what I asked you!"
CHARTER 123 (very laid back voice) "Morning, (First name), I see you're in fine form this morning!"

A few years ago at a MAJOR london airport one of the TWR ATCOs arranged for a friend out of a small airfield nearby to do an ILS approach, and i think a touch and go on XMAS day. He coerced a friend in APP to help him out. Typically just as the Cessna was over the threshold, the BAA duty operations manager decided to "drop by" the VCR for a chat and wish us all a merry xmas. He never said anything, but did look rather strangely at the A/C on APP. Lets just say everyone did their best to distract him.

Things got worse when the pilot returned and rang all his mates, who immediately jumped in their planes and called APP for the same!! Approach were quite busy that XMAS!!

Anyone fancy a beach holiday??>>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAfQwDizpRo

Confused
 

True story which stills makes me smile: Couple of years ago I was working in Texas teaching commercial students most of which were Mexican! One particular student was very keen but struggled with the language and hence radio work at times became a bit of an issue. I had suggested to him that as a future professional pilot it might be good practice to add a polite 'good morning' or 'good afternoon' to his initial calls to ATC. Few days later having done a night flight to Austin and appropriately coffeed and refreshed we were getting ready to fly back to San Antonio and said student makes initial call remembering my 'words of wisdom'. "Austin Tower, N*****, Good Night". There followed an appopriate stunned silence then entering into the spirit of things, "N*****, Austin Tower... Sleep well"

Italian humor
 

The following happened few months ago in a big Italian Airport.

Approach: **** Reduce speed 230 knots.
Pilot: **** Roger, reducing speed 230 knot. But wich is this thing preciding that go so slower??:*
Approach: **** The preciding thing is a 737 the preciding thing that preceding thr thing preciding you is a Fokker 27, in head of all traffic an airport that must insert departures.:}
Pilot:rolleyes:: **** Roger.:oh::D:{:ugh:

Sorry for bad translation I hope you will understand.

Ema_ATC :O

Summer Solstice
 

This morning at 0430L a C172 disturbed my sleepiness to ask to cross our Class D airspace, en route to Avebury Stone Circles. Forgetting what day it was I asked............why?

"Oh I just like looking at daft hippies dancing around naked"

Even funnier at Avebury he couldnt remain VMC so had to bin it, was it really worth getting up that early!

NM

About two years ago, flying a PA28 IFR down to Exeter, ATC asked if I was in VMC at that altitude.

Me: "affirm, just passing Uppotery airfield"
EXT radar (quick as a flash): "actually, that would be Dunkeswell" :ouch:
Me (laughing): "I stand corrected" :O
EXT radar: "I know my world!" :ok:

somewhere, 40 miles from finals...

St. Mawgan App: G-xxxx, do you require vectors to the ILS?

Lazy Pilot: affirm, G-xxxx

Even lazier St. Mawgan App: G-xxxx, say and maintain present heading, report localizer established.

Student Pilots!!
 

At YSBK,
trainee pilot on first flight:" Tower good morning... this is sunny 152 , Ready to take off ! "
tower: " G'day sir.nice knowing you, however now lets make life easier for us and tell me your callsign !:E :D

All belly, no brains
 

From the BBC regarding truck drivers:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6260516.stm

"Blokes usually get in a vehicle thinking they already know everything about driving and there's nothing I can teach them.
Looking at the dashboard, I don't know how they come to such a conclusion. It resembles an air-traffic control centre - a vast swathe of dials and lights."

I do not frequent ATC towers (but I'm sure I provide them with much amusement as I struggle around the Booker ATZ), so can anybody confirm the presence of these dials and lights? What are the dials for and do the lights flash?

Not working at an ACC - but a "Tower/Approach":
Yes, lights flash. Beepers "beep" etc....most of the time with false warnings, of course.
But fortunately we don't have the "B-movie" radar displays, that go "beep" everytime it hits a target ;) (And generally the radars rotate clockwise).
Fair question from a female visitor:
"Don't you get tired of following the sweep round and round all day?" :p
(Yes, I would)

Heard this one in FL, made me chuckle.

Daytona approach, Cessna N1234AB 10miles north of the field, 2500' altimeter setting 29.92, VFR to Fort Pierce, request flight following

Controller "Absolutely perfect call 23AB, I am sure Daytona Approach would like to hear it as well on 123.45"

I was an air traffick controller (airfields, ships, centres, development centres) and then became a commercial pilot.

In all my aviation experience the only thing I couldn't solve (not that I ever solved any thing correctly) without outside assistance was moving an articulated truck someone had carelessly abandoned on a taxiway during an air show.

Strode out macho style climbed in cab and got it started. Could I move it……No. Passer by all in awe of mighty flying machines was able to point out the intricacies of the air braking system. AND even after a university education advanced driving training et al I still put the rear wheels on the curb on my first turn (AND I’m turning left from a taxi way onto a taxi way!!)

How on earth HGVs routinely go around round abouts and stay in their lane is a mystery to me and well beyond my skill set. Flying is much easier.

As an HGV1 holder of 20 years, and a lorry driver in my past life, I can't see where the problems are! Just because you've got 16 forward gears which require a gear stick and two buttons to operate, or a twin splitter where there are only 4 gears but each gear is split in to thirds (low, middle and high).

Oh yes, and it's usually a constant mesh box (ie no synchromesh!) as well.

Actually, reversing an artic is easy. If you want a man's test then reverse a lorry and drag - these have a trailer with a steered front axle so there are two pivot points, not just the one. I challenge any one to reverse those around a corner into a garage on their first attempt!

Now back to the thread....