Hopefully funny emails?
 

Sorry,

Just been emailed these by a friend who knew i am in the process of applying for and i thought they may cheer people up.

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

************************************************************ ************
***************

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

============================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

============================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

============================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."

============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off." ============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

============================================================
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a United DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German):

"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

============================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

=========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

============================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speed bird 206.

Speed bird 206: "Frankfurt, Speed bird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speed bird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed bird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speed bird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speed bird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

============================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you

to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
_________________

Funny the first time round...


:zzz:

Xtremity I think that my friends are trying to tell you (using MY picture TIC!!!!) that you may care to cast your eye over the very large ATC Humour thread right at the top of this page...

Mr Chips

Sorry 'bout that. One was a tad in a hurry and one forgot to acknowledge (one did that the previous time, though).

One has saved a text file to one's puter, so that one just has to paste it to post a reply like this one

Where can one find some ashes to put on one's head ? :{
Wait, that's gorra make one visible :uhoh:

Oh no......... I saw all those before I left Heathrow Tower - and that was 12 years ago.

aaah once again the lovely people that frequent these forums shamelessly jump on anyone who makes an honest mistake while trying to bring some humour into the world.......fair play xtremity,dont feel bad on account of their need to belittle

Funny first time round, funny second time round... still funny now :p

Frankfurt 1944 : one found 24 occurences when searching on PPrune
:rolleyes:

Dan Eire without wishing to get into a protracted slanging match, those who "frequent these forums" get a little tired of seeing the same thing posted over and over again. In many cases, the poster can be forgiven for not realising that it is an old topic, HOWEVER I think in this case had the poster had just a glance at the forum, s/he might have just noticed a thread right at the top titled "ATC Humour". I think that is a wee bit of a clue....

Also.. not the first time that Xtremity has been directed to the search function!!!!!

Indeed .... thread now merged.

Heard a couple of days ago. Fritzlar NDB has been renamed as waypoint NATSU, remaining at the same spot -same coordinates-. We all wonder why they couldn't choose some like FRITZ, for instance, but we guess that was just too easy for everyone, right? Anyway. There was some delay on some companies to update the A/C's databases and still a week after the supposed change some crews were using the old name. One controller on the previous sector was bitchin' a bit one of the pilots -not the guy's fault after all if the company doesn't do their homework-. They went chatting on for a while NATSU this NATSU that. Eventually the pilot is instructed to fly DCT NATSU and to contact me. Then he calls in :

"NATSU, hello..."

Not even him could stop laughing on the open micke.


And one from today which kinda scares a bit too. We get an AFLxxx on the freq at an odd level and he calls in reminding us that he's so. He's at FL370 in RVSM airspace. My colleague remarks me : see, that's how initial calls should be done!
After a while we get a call from the previous sector asking wether tha mentioned AFL TCAS was working and if we could check the RVSM status too. I was a bit confused at the request -he had past their sector already after all- but anyway, if there's a doubt; so we ask:

ground : AFLxxx we have a strange request here, could you confirm your RVSM status and if your TCAS is working?

AFLxxx : TCAs is working, we just had an RA to climb because opposite TFC some minutes ago!

From then on we knew why he reminded us he was Opposite Direction Lvl!!!

A.

As a frequent lurker on this site I find it depressing how so many here share a common trait of pomposity and arrogance.

Xtremity took the time to type up his/her post with the sole purpose of hopefully bringing a smile to other people's faces, and in return gets several snotty smartarse putdowns. What a lovely side to human nature this shows eh ?

So bl**dy what if you've all heard the jokes before ?

I can just picture it in a pub....

"Here, there's this bloke with a dog with only one leg and...."
"Oy, Moron - that one was told in here six months ago... shut up. You should have obtained a list of previously heard jokes before opening your mouth".

..and as for "those who "frequent these forums" get a little tired.."

Awww... poor souls, the strain must be terrible.


Oh when you're smiling, when you're smiling... :D

Sorry - couldn't resist a little tweaking ! :D :D

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...or-dummies.jpg

Ooh, i really hope someone hasn't already posted this but i'm not reading 42 pages.

A 777 from the Indian Ocean region landing somewhere in the North of England today experienced a fire on the undercarriage. It seems that some over entusiastic greasing of the wheels by ground crew could be to blame.

Apparently this is not a new phenomena as a ground controller was taxiing the same a/c type and operator just recently when a very similar incident occured.

Sadly the a/c had just reached the gate and so the pilots were no longer monitoring the RT but an eagle eyed ops vehicle had spotted the problem and radioed the tower. The conversation went something like this:

Ops: " Er ground this is ops on the Northern apron, the 777 on stand 208R has got a fire on it's port undercarriage."

Ground: ( crash button already being depressed ) "Roger ops, how serious is the fire?"

Ops: "Well it's not as bad as yesterday's!"

:ooh:

Tobzalp,

I couldn't resist logging in to mention that coincidentally, Christopher Lloyd, the actor on the left in the photo you published, is (or at least used to be) a pilot. Some years ago in New York he took me up in a 2-seater twin engine plane (I have no idea what kind it was) and we went for a delightful flight over New York and Connecticut. Although Chris so often, as in "Taxi" and in "Back to the Future", which you've pictured, plays somewhat addle-brained, zoned-out characters, he was a terrific pilot. I remember that before we took off he opened the cowling (?) to check the engines. And I felt completely safe. It's the only time I've ever been in a small plane, and it was very, very enjoyable.

Not sure if it already on here somewhere, but the best I've heard in a long time..

ATC HRW: "Speedbird xxx could you give way to the virging with a tight slot?....

BAxxx: "Any time sir"

Mr Chips et al
Please remember that the "search function" does not tell the searcher which page the search criteria are on...only that it is on one of 42 (at the moment) pages.

Perhaps Mr vBulletin writer could write a sub-program to search within one thread?

DubTrub One thunk 'tis already there :
Just select the "Show results as posts" tick-box in the "Search Options"

Hope this helps :ok:

I was listening to NY OAC on 11330 HF on last 18 Feb and heard the following :

[female operator at NY]

AC : New York, New York, American 619 on one one.
NY : American 619 go ahead
AC : Yeah we'd like to get a selcal check please, ALMQ
NY : ALMQ [sends the tone]
AC : Negative
NY : [sends the tone]
AC : Negative. ALMQ
NY : That's what I'm sending. Stand-by, I'll send a double
AC : [sends the tone twice, back to back]
NY : Nah we're not getting it. Stand-by I'll call you on the other set
AC : [2nd radio] New York, 619 again, ALMQ please
NY : [sends the tone a few times]
AC : Nah.. [big sigh] Looks like we're gonna have to listen to ya today....
NY : [really meek voice] I'll try not to be annoying...
AC : [laughing]

:)

German Astra on a tight slot departing Farnborough:

ATC: 322 theres a Gazelle in your right 11 O clock, do you have him in sight?

322: Affirm

ATC: Roger can you give me a good rate of climb to get over him?

322: Most definitly!

ATC: Roger 24 cleared take off 240/10

322: Cleared take off 24, climbing like hell, 322


Made me chuckle anyway :O

a gazelle in your right 11 O clock?

oh lord i've joined the pedantic masses.

Long ago in a land far away, well 1986 in the good old US of A when I was a young co-pilot flying through the Chicago sector for my first time. I was having real difficulty writting my clearances down and the controler did not even wait for me to acknowledge before talking to the next a/c!!!

An American came on the R/T with a deep southern drawl and said in a very slow voice,

"C-h-i-c-a-g-o c-o-n-t-r-o-l I a-m j-u-s-t a g-o-o-d o-l-d s-o-u-t-h-e-r-n b-o-y w-h-o c-a-n w-r-i-t-e j-u-s-t a-b-o-u-t a-s f-a-s-t a-s I c-a-n s-p-e-a-k s-o s-a-y a-g-a-i-n m-y c-l-e-a-r-a-n-c-e!"

I did'nt feel quite so inept after that.

MM

Worrying thing is I actualy thought about the direction and the clockface and still got it wrong!

For some OzATC Humour have a look at "Charges", "Unheard Phrases" and "Didya Hear?" :E
YPJT is the busiest GA Airport in Oz!

When I was doing my PPL at Inverness.

Climbing out from touch and go:
Instructor: Tower, spotter parked at threshold
Tower: Roger, we’ll get the car round to move him
Me: XX Finals for touch and go
Tower: XX cleared touch and go and the spotter’s been moved on
Me: Cleared touch and go and roger the spotter
Unknown: Can’t really follow that

student pilot: mobil fuel, ABC

Ground: ah, ABC you are on ground

student pilot: ABC could i please get full tanks at the GA apron

Ground: mate, your on ground, not mobile fuel

student pilot: so how long will the fuel be?? ABC, im kind of in a hurry

Just saw a very nice Swamp Comic
Hope it's not been posted too recently.

A bit unsure about the copyright issues, though, so Mods, please feel free to delete.

Oldy but goody.

Some time back I was transitting through NI airspace when I heard a Wessex calling his operating base for;

"500lbs of fuel for Wessex x"

Sooo tempting, I pressed the button;

"Sounds like a fair swop!"

Changing hands
 

Once, when crewing the old DH Heron Hobart to King Island, the company's big cheese was in a sister aircraft going into Flinders Island. (The geography is not relevant to the point, but to me it fixes time and place - so stiff!)
Big cheese has his usual bout of verbal diahorrea and can't shut up talking to the one or two possibly conflicting others in his vicinity . . . . on and on and on he goes . . . finally unkeying mike and instantly is met with the sardonic tones of our chief pilot (one Nigel Peart) - "Change hands Dallas, change hands."

Think this was a dig from Tower to the aircraft just airborne, by telling the lined up and about to depart aircaft:-

"ABC123, the previous aircraft seems to have blown off track. Your departure clearance is a standard Pole Hill 4 Sierra departure".

ABC123:- "Roger, Pole Hill 4 Sierra."

"ABC123, you are cleared for take off, Wind Calm."

:E

Apologies, no time to read through 42 pages to see if this has featured before:

Some US airports are the home of both military and civil operators.
Air traffic control is normally run by one side only.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

And responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied in a friendly voice, "What difference does it
make?"

And here the tower came into its own.

"It makes a lot of difference

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

And if it is a private executive jet we tell them that they can afford
to buy a watch.”

Today on my shift:

SP-XXX to TWR: "Do you happen to know up to what altitude is danger area 21 active today?" (EPD 21 is artillery range)
(not-so-much) anonymous pilot: "Does it make any diffrence at what altitude they will shoot your ass?"

Due to traffic decending in to a satelite airfield on our western boundry I couldn't launch a DH8C on a left turn off 03L but had a C208 on a right turn to depart so told the C208 to line up ahead of the DH8C that was already lined up using a TWY that enters the RWY 100m ahead of full length (J for those who know JNB)

The DH8C remarks "We'll keep the park brake on so the propwash won't blow us back"

Airport in Florida.....

Twr: Cessna Nxxxx, your traffic is a Beech Bonanza turning base for 27, you're number 2, cleared to land.

Pilot: Number 2, cleared to land, Cessna Nxxxx.

Twr: Nxxxx, do you have your traffic in sight?

Pilot: Nxxxx, roger the Beech on base.

Twr: Umm.....I can't do that for you son, I'm married!

(well, it made me laugh)

Not Lost...
 

ATC to Microlight: "Request your position?"

Microlight Pilot "We're actually not over anywhere at the moment!"

Amendment to JSP318A some years ago.

Delete: Dying
Insert: Flying

HEARD AT APF (NAPLES, FL)

An airplane has just been handed over from Approach (FEMALE controller) to APF twr (MALE controller).

-APF TWR, Falcon 123AB, with you 12 miles NW, for the visual rwy 5.
-Falcon 123AB, roger, no observed traffic between you and the airport, you are cleared to land rwy 5.

the pilot still thinking about the female controller:
-cleared to land rwy 5, falcon 123AB, thank you ma'am.
-Falcon 123AB, you just called me ma'am! cancell ldg clearance, proceed direct CYY VOR, and hold for 20 minutes.


-IBLB-

some more from APF and surroundings

-GND, Operations 2 Van.
-Operations 2 van, aren't you the one who was supposed to call me 15 minutes ago?
-Uhhhhhhm, yeah....sorry about that. But we are at the terminal, would like to cross the active to mosquito control.
-Operations 2 van, roger. Proceed up to and hold short of rwy 5 at A3. Expect further clearance at 14.25Z, time now is 1350Z.

------------------------------

-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, student pilot, 20miles east, 2500ft, inbound for landing.
-Cessna 123AB, APF TWR, roger, i don't see you, but you might be too low for radar. Report 10 miles east.
........
-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, 10 miles east.
-Cessna 123AB, roger, still don't see you, report 2 miles east for right downwind rwy 5.
.........
-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, 2 miles east, joining downwind rwy5.
-Uhhhhhhm, Cessna 123AB, still don't see you, where are you?
-About 2 miles east joining right downwind.
-Cessna 123AB, i see no traffic to my east. Ident for me please.
- Roger, ident. Turning base now, 123AB.
-Cessna 123AB, ident observed, CLIMB 2000' NOW! TURN RIGHT HDG 060, You are over Ft Myers intl, not over APF!

------------------------------

flying into clewiston airglades (uncontrolled/CTAF), my student f&^%$ up the approach, so i told him to make one more pattern, and do another landing

-Clewiston Airglades traffic, Piper 678AB final rwy 13, going around, but i am going to try again.

------------------------------

On a clear night, the sun is starting to set. Just at that time (a while ago) a shuttle is launched from the eastcoast.
Several planes in the trafficpattern

-All traffic, APF TWR, if you look to the NNE, you will see a shuttle being launched
one of the pilots replies:
-Roger, traffic in sight.

------------------------------

One of the controllers (one of the best i've known btw) is handling 8 (!) planes in the traffic pattern, plus incoming traffic.

-Allright guys, listen up, I can handle 8 of you, but you have to listen and comply quickly if you want to stay in the pattern. I am trying to get this pattern back into Collier County.

------------------------------

Same controller as above, recognised me flying the warrior:

-Falcon 2345, you are number 2, behind the warrior.
-looking for the traffic, number two, 2345
-TWR, is that our traffic, on our 12 o'clock?
-Falcon 2345, affirm, that's the one.
-We think we might be a little close, you want us to make a go-around?
-Negative, he's local traffic, if he isn't of at A1, he won't get a takeoff clearance the next few days.


-IBLB-