The civil apron at a rocky Mediterranean airport was only thirty yards away from the border. Every July a large, brightly lit all night fair used to set up on the waste ground immediately north of the border and apron. One evening the last flight in from UK was delayed till nearly midnight, well after normal closing time. On entering the apron and heading straight for the fair the following exchange took place:

Pilot: Sorry for the delay, but many thanks for staying open. I see the fair is in full swing.

Tower (Sarcastically): Yeah. Roll up, roll up. Come and see the bearded lady.

Pilot: Thanks, but we've got our own (giggle). It's Derek,the chief purser.

Young lady checks in with her JS41 on FAJS Radar the other day, I give her descent clearance.

She asks,"Would you like us to descend now?"
I say,"No, you can go down whenever you're ready."

She took it rather well I thought.

I'm a helicopter pilot (never flown a stuck-wing) and some years back, I was doing some fun flying out of Cape Town Int. while on holiday in South Africa. For those who aren't familiar with FACT, the runway is N-S, with the GA hangers etc. on the West side. I'd been sightseeing out to the East with a heli-load of family, and wished to return to base; the following conversation ensued:

Me: Cape Town tower, helicopter XXX overhead Bottlery, request active crossing to return to base hanger

Twr: helicopter XXX, after the Nationwide 747-200 departs, crossing approved, call clear

Me: uhh...tower, I can see a number of aircraft around the active threshold, which one is the 747-200?

*pause*

Twr: helicopter XXX, after the departing big red jet, crossing approved, call clear

Me: cross behind the big red jet, call clear, helicopter XXX, thanks!

Let it not be said that helicopter pilots are incapable of following simple instructions!

TWR: SASxxx, confirm you have preceeding in sight? You are overtaking by 40 knots!
SASxxx: It's more fun when we go fast!

something that made me chuckle at EGNJ
 

It was a nice day at EGNJ and I was observing a Cessna 172 when I heard this over the radio

radio transmission went like this

Cessna: G-TS ready for departure

TWR: GTS Hold position Vulcan on finals for runway 21

Cessna: Roger Hold position at holding point Bravo and I think someone is pulling your leg that vulcan looks more like a Nimrod to me.:O :E

TWR: Yeah alright, he has a call sign of Vulcan and he is doing instrument training. :}

I thought this was very funny I hope you do to.

Regards Stude :ok:

A good one I heard recently, a friend of mine was doing his first solo circuit flight...

"ABC is lefthand downwind 23L touch and go"

Tower - "ABC, continue approach for 23R, you're number 3 behind a C172 late downwind and a Beech1900 on 3 mile final for the left"

"Cleared to land 23R ABC"

"No, you are not cleared to land, you are cleared to continue for the right, number 3, report sighting of a cessna and a beech about to land on the left"

"copy traffic, cleared for 23L, ABC"

"No!! you're now number 2 behind a cessna also for the right, thats 23R!!!"

"copy number 3"

give up!

I want to thank ATC everywhere for being calm, cool, and collected. There's only been twice when my alto voice rose to soprano or falsetto. I was still relaying the appropriate information, but your calm demeanor helped me focus on flying and landing the plane, even if it concerned details such as "What happened to the rear wheel on the taildragger I'm trying to land? Where did it go?" or (okay, minor) I can't see you due to haze, but "Hold your current altitude in VFR. There are two A-10s incoming five hundred feet above you."

Military unit filed FPL for a local flight with remark:

RMK/TRAINING FLIES

Bio warfare?

Scene: Jersey this morning, OVC000 RVR around Cat I minima, 08/08

Flybe Dash 8 lands..

TWR: Jersey XXX Taxi stand 9, report runway vacated...

...welcome to the warmest place in Britain :}

Yesterday I was trying to get two directs for two flights into the next sector with splitting routings. A faster one (heavy out of LHR)to Asia and a Medium-jet for Munich, operating for LH (Regional sub-branch).
In order to start coordination I had to know the speeds.

Since about two minutes the flight was already enroute and not anymore in a departure phase.

Me: "Report planned crusing mach-no."
Pilot: "Mach .79"
Me: "And was is your present speed?"
Pilot: "...... .80"

LOL :D:ok:

This may have been posted here before but anyway!

An instructor flying a C172, let's call it AB-AAZ. On a marginal wx day was asked by ATC:
"AAZ, control, confirm you are in Victor Mike Charlie"
Instructor replied:
"Negative control I'm in Alpha Alpha Zulu"
:)

funny. lol i can never imagine working as an ATC. but wow they seemed so comfortable working and chilling :O

This is taken from another site.
I am not ATC.

I was a controller at Albany Georgia tower back in the '70s, and a Cherokee was on downwind, with the instructor introducing his student to radio procedures. Fortunately for me, their intercom locked on for a bit and I got all the dialog between the student and the instructor. It went like this:

instructor:
"Say 'Albany tower.'"

student pilot:
"Ah — Al-Albany tower?"

instructor:
"'This is Cherokee 76 Whiskey.'"

student:
"This is — is — Ch-Cherokee — ?"

instructor:
"'76 Whiskey.'"

student:
"Seven — 76 Whiskey?"

instructor:
"'We are on left downwind for runway 22, touch and go.'"

student:
"We are on — ?"

instructor:
"... 'Left downwind for 22.'"

student:
"Left down-downwind —"

instructor:
"... 'Downwind for 22, touch and go.'"

student:
"I don't want to learn to fly no more!"

hahahahaha LOL

Overheard at a fly-in for old flyers (Operation Propeller) a couple of years ago.

"G-XX request clearance for take off"

TWR- "Hold where you until You are cleared. There is a wheelchair close to to the edge of the active"

"G-XX Roger that Tower, number one after departing wheelchair?"

TWR - "Sorry about that XX, The wheelchair is non radio, so I can't get him to expidite!"

Blocked transmissions are often mildly amusing.

Today, London airspace

ATC: "RYR123, at GIBSO turn right"
Looks of puzzlement followed by laughter in the cockpit.
RYR: "Please say again, RYR123"
ATC: "RYR123, at GIBSO turn right 10 degrees"

I'm doing my PPL training at the moment and was on a nav ex last week. Talking to Lakenheath was interesting, and also heard the following little exchange:

"G-XX have you made your drop yet?"
"Say again G-XX"
"Ah it don't matter anyway. Service terminated. Change to en-route frequency".

ATC: AAZZ are you still on frequency?

Pause. Other transmissions.

ATC: AAZZ are you still on frequency?

Pause.

ATC: AAZZ are you still on frequency?

Pause.

AAZZ: was that for me?

ATC: AAZZ suggest you contact 111.11

AAZZ: Sorry, we could hear you talking to other people but not to us.

Slight pause.

ATC: Roger. Contact 111.11 goodbye.



Unidentified a/c: What was that about?

ATC: Search me!

Flying to Samedan in winter as an Y flight plan. Italian controler see, that we are reaching last waypoint in our flight plan:

ATC: OK-FTR you are reaching destination. What are your intentions?
We: We would like to ski whole weekend.

Not a rib tickler but made me smile:-

"Changing to one three two dot four five."

Probably been done before but made me laugh a few minutes ago

"What are your intentions after landing"?

"Have a cup of tea".

ATC: "ABC123 descend to FL280"

ABC123: " unintelligible (extremely faint)"

ATC: "ABC123 I couldn't hear the readback, you are not speaking into the microphone"

ABC123:angry and loud "I was speaking into the microphone, it's just that it was too far from my mouth"
:hmm:

STI
 

Pilot 1: tower, Callsign74, do we have a new STD?

Pilot 2 (unknown aircraft): I hope not!! (with laugher)

Pilot 1: disregard....

Tower: (slight chuckle) Roger..

Heard at Essex International:

ABC123: "ABC123, request clearance to Fantasy Island"

Without a pause,

ATC: "ABC123, cleared Ibiza, CPT4R, SQUAWK 1234".

Made me smile :)

A4

Tracking south on the Singapore Eastern Frequency near Tambelan Island in the middle of the night, we hear a recording of a cat meowing on 121.5, several times over a few minutes.

ATC: "ABC, you hear somethin' on guar'?" (in a heavy Singaporian accent)

Us: "yes"

ATC: "Is it someone callin' or a pran' call?"

Us: "What?"

ATC: "You thin is a pran' "

Us: "Not sure what a pran sounds like, it sounded more like a cat"

ATC: "A wha'?"

Us: "A pussy!"

ATC: "Conta' Jakarta control......"

halas

Two recent

On final approach, cleared to land:

***81 - TWR, Are you familiar with the horse at the end of the runway

TWR - No! ...... but I do know he is there.




And en- route last sunday, 2500ft East Midlands UK. With LARS service for some time, happily burning through the leg when LARS wanted an ETA at an intermediate point on the leg, some distance away. At that time using a 1:250,000.


LARS - ***81, please advise your ETA at AAAA.

(long Silence)

LARS - ***81, please advise your ETA at AAAA!

(long Silence)


***81 - [different voice] Apologies; pilot not flying is having trouble folding his maps!

LARS - We have all been there!


:):):)

TurningFinals, that's not funny it's poor controlling and awful service. Next time expect the puddejumper do all he is legally obliged to do in your MATZ, nothing!!

<<i have fare paying pax onboard and this is getting expensive for them">>

Doesn't sound like the average puddle-jumper but still a twit.

Sounds like a Norwich based turkey. Bootiful!

overheard today in HKG during #8 Typhoon:

approach: cathy xxx proceed to hold point YYYYY
cathay: yeah, we're going to hold here for 10 minutes til this weather passes
approach: wow, you're optimistic!

a minute later...

approach: sorry i didn't mean to be flippant, we've had this weather all morning

cathay: proceeding to hold point....

Flew in a friends Sport Cruiser on Sunday Kemble to Wellsborne. Textbook landing and a coffee before the return leg, little bit lumpier than the outbound but still very pleasant however after a small altercation in the circuit with an R44 on a decidedly non standard arrival my friend decided to have a 'moment' in the touchdown phase, resulting in not one but THREE touchdowns! ATC generously offered to only charge us for one, much to the amusement of all on frequency I'm sure.

Coasting in, VFR, to Aberdeen speaking to female offshore radar controller.

ATC: "X123 Traffic service as you skirt down the coast",
Me: "Traffic service down the coast. And it's not a skirt, it's a kilt". (I'm a Scot, and she is English).

Got a chuckle from her, and from the other side of the cockpit. :p

haha
 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahaha i love it such great funny storys from you cool pilot buddys of mine

One out of many conversations with useless ATC in Paris Orly

Me: ready for take off
Twr: nr 2 for take off, after AF.

......

Another AF checks in on fq, in French, and gets cleared for take off

Me: what's going on? I can actually count
Twr: sorry I forgot about you
Me: vive la France......

Ready for departure...
 

I didn't think that phrase was used anymore?

Its debatable, I hear that and ready for departure.

Honestly I think it is changed too, but since I hear ready for take off every day I don't care changing since no one else does it here.

Anyway, this is supposed to be a fun topic, don't get me started over what's correct or not in Orly...

BAxxx: Hello delivery, BAxxx at LAM FL100
ATC: I'm not delivery, I'm Director.
BAxxx: Oh sorry.
ATC: Nevermind. Cleared to start and continue in the LAM hold

Many years ago in the middle of the Indian Ocean on a very hot and bumpy night we could hear a female Australian voice trying to pass a position report to Colombo on H.F. The call-sign sounded like "Qantas Tin". After about fifteen minutes of being repeatedly stepped on by Madras, Bombay and Singapore and having her signal fading out and coming back in again she eventually got her message through. Loud and clear a very superior British voice said "Good on you, Sheila!". "Up your arse, Pom" was her immediate response!

Student Pilot: Ground, xx-xxx, confirm, was I cleared to cross runway 15 or runway 33?

Ground: xx-xxx, you can cross 15, or you can cross 33 but at the end of the day you're gonna be crossing the same god damn bit of concrete!

Odd, the controller tells it differently/truthfully