ATC Humour (Merged)
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
Likes: 0
From: Belgium
Some from my first three years as an F/O so far:
First one happened to me couple of weeks ago in Brussels. Cleared for an immediate take-off when still on the TWY, we did a rolling take-off. At around 1000 feet I hear another Beeline ask for runway braking action to the tower. Tower asks us:
ATC: "Beeline xxx, can you confirm braking action 25R is good?"
I replied: "Well we didn't brake, but I can guess if you want."
Never thought about that answer, it just came out so quickly.
Just thought it was a stupid question.
Another good one I heard last week. We fly Avro Jets at Brussels Airlines. They may not climb that well, or do anything well for that manner, but they sure can descend! Pulling full airbrake almost makes you fall from the sky... Apparently some controllers can't seem to remember this...
French ATC: "Beeline xxx, descend FL100, give me your best rate of descent."
Beeline xxx "Descend FL100, best rate, Beeline xxx."
About one minute later:
French ATC: "Beeline xxx, what is your rate of descent???"
Beeline xxx: "Around 7000ft/minute"
French ATC: "... Roger... Euhhh... Rate of descent now 2000 ft/minute."
Last one was from november I think. Just start of the winter season. As soon as we put on airframe anti-ice, the Avro refuses to climb anymore. Company wants us as high as possible so we request high levels anyway, though it sometimes takes ages to get up there... German ATC woman cracked me up early in the morning out of Munich.
German ATC: "Beeline xxx, what's your requested level?"
I replied: "Flight level 320, Beeline xxx".
German ATC: "I don't think so Beeline xxx, not with your type of aircraft. Maybe you should ask your company for a better aircraft for the winter season?"
First one happened to me couple of weeks ago in Brussels. Cleared for an immediate take-off when still on the TWY, we did a rolling take-off. At around 1000 feet I hear another Beeline ask for runway braking action to the tower. Tower asks us:
ATC: "Beeline xxx, can you confirm braking action 25R is good?"
I replied: "Well we didn't brake, but I can guess if you want."
Never thought about that answer, it just came out so quickly.
Just thought it was a stupid question.Another good one I heard last week. We fly Avro Jets at Brussels Airlines. They may not climb that well, or do anything well for that manner, but they sure can descend! Pulling full airbrake almost makes you fall from the sky... Apparently some controllers can't seem to remember this...
French ATC: "Beeline xxx, descend FL100, give me your best rate of descent."
Beeline xxx "Descend FL100, best rate, Beeline xxx."
About one minute later:
French ATC: "Beeline xxx, what is your rate of descent???"
Beeline xxx: "Around 7000ft/minute"
French ATC: "... Roger... Euhhh... Rate of descent now 2000 ft/minute."
Last one was from november I think. Just start of the winter season. As soon as we put on airframe anti-ice, the Avro refuses to climb anymore. Company wants us as high as possible so we request high levels anyway, though it sometimes takes ages to get up there... German ATC woman cracked me up early in the morning out of Munich.
German ATC: "Beeline xxx, what's your requested level?"
I replied: "Flight level 320, Beeline xxx".
German ATC: "I don't think so Beeline xxx, not with your type of aircraft. Maybe you should ask your company for a better aircraft for the winter season?"
Last edited by flywonderjet; 27th February 2010 at 14:26.
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 172
Likes: 3
From: EU
One day on CDG Ground frequency a pilot of A380 calling:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333 Super, request push and start.
atc: ZZZZ 333, push and start approved.
A few minutes later:
a/c: ZZZZ 333 Super, ready for taxi.
So atc passed taxi clearance.
After two or three minutes:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333, due to technical problem we need to return to the gate...
It took them about ten minutes to declare "ready for push" again, but anyway as long as I was on the frequency they didn't use "Super" in the callsign...
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333 Super, request push and start.
atc: ZZZZ 333, push and start approved.
A few minutes later:
a/c: ZZZZ 333 Super, ready for taxi.
So atc passed taxi clearance.
After two or three minutes:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333, due to technical problem we need to return to the gate...
It took them about ten minutes to declare "ready for push" again, but anyway as long as I was on the frequency they didn't use "Super" in the callsign...
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 529
Likes: 0
From: Outside the EU on a small Island
Late 60's on 243.0 ...
"Kuala Lumpur Tower testing, One Two Three Four Five, Five, Four, ... Three ... Kuala Lumpur Tower test, out.
Some wobbling Hunter wingtips reported that one.
"Kuala Lumpur Tower testing, One Two Three Four Five, Five, Four, ... Three ... Kuala Lumpur Tower test, out.
Some wobbling Hunter wingtips reported that one.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 46
Likes: 0
From: Bourne End
This is a rather embarassing Radiotelephony conversation I had at a small UK based Airfield. I've just landed.
Tower - "G-XT Taxi to Bravo between the blue markers"
Me - "Taxiing to Bravo between blue markers G-XT"
Tower - "G-XT give way to the Gazelle"
Me - "What?! a real one!?"
My Dad sitting next to me - "A Gazelles a Helicopter"
Me - "OH!...G-XT giving way to the Gazelle"
Tower - "G-XT Taxi to Bravo between the blue markers"
Me - "Taxiing to Bravo between blue markers G-XT"
Tower - "G-XT give way to the Gazelle"
Me - "What?! a real one!?"
My Dad sitting next to me - "A Gazelles a Helicopter"
Me - "OH!...G-XT giving way to the Gazelle"
Joined: Sep 2006
Aviation Qualifications: ATPL
Posts: 682
Likes: 16
From: Out of a bag
Heard yesterday while approaching Lyneham.
A contracted freighter (lets call it XYZ) was inbound to land. American sounding pilot on the radio.
Note: The ATIS is on UHF at Lyneham. My recall of the exact phrasing may leave something to be desired...
ATC: XYZ, descend FL70, cleared for a straight in approach to R06.
XYZ: Descend FL70, cleared straight in R06
ATC: XYZ, do you require the weather?
XYZ: Negative.
ATC: (sounding puzzled) Confirm you already have the weather?
XYZ: Affirm, It's gorgeous out there!
A contracted freighter (lets call it XYZ) was inbound to land. American sounding pilot on the radio.
Note: The ATIS is on UHF at Lyneham. My recall of the exact phrasing may leave something to be desired...
ATC: XYZ, descend FL70, cleared for a straight in approach to R06.
XYZ: Descend FL70, cleared straight in R06
ATC: XYZ, do you require the weather?
XYZ: Negative.
ATC: (sounding puzzled) Confirm you already have the weather?
XYZ: Affirm, It's gorgeous out there!
Joined: Mar 2010
Aviation Qualifications: ATCO
Posts: 8,023
Likes: 314
From: Often in Jersey, but mainly in the past.
A KC-135 out of Mildenhall, 1970's, with East Anglia solid with radar returns ...
"callsign" you have traffic right 3 o'clock 8 miles similar heading at FL60, further traffic left 10 o'clock FL70 appears to be manouvering, further traffic 12 o'clock FL100 under this Unit's control .... etc etc
Roger, Sir, this aircraft's like a tree full of owls.
Roger, Sir, this aircraft's like a tree full of owls.
Joined: Mar 2008
Aviation Qualifications: ATPL
Posts: 74
Likes: 21
From: Perth, Australia
Aircraft makes an inbound call to Jandakot after a Chinese Student with giggling in the background
ATC: XYZ copy, whats so funny
Pilot: I cant tell you... its racist (Laughter in background)
ATC: XYZ copy, whats so funny
Pilot: I cant tell you... its racist (Laughter in background)
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 22
Likes: 0
From: london
Heard at an airfield very close to the Lambourne Hold
A/G - Can everybody please insure that you keep your circuits tight into the airfield as there have been noise complaints
Aircraft in the overhead - Where have the noise complaints been coming from?
A/G - The telephone!!
A/G - Can everybody please insure that you keep your circuits tight into the airfield as there have been noise complaints
Aircraft in the overhead - Where have the noise complaints been coming from?
A/G - The telephone!!
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 107
Likes: 0
From: Samsonite
Speedy arrival
Arriving at SBBR in an Aerostar
Controller: NXXX, Can you keep the speed up to accommodate other traffic
Me: Yes
Controller: Can you do 200 groundspeed all the way?
Me: Yes, but I might need to slow down on short final
Controller: NXXX, Can you keep the speed up to accommodate other traffic
Me: Yes
Controller: Can you do 200 groundspeed all the way?
Me: Yes, but I might need to slow down on short final
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 107
Likes: 0
From: Samsonite
In an Aerostar flying from Venezuela to Brasil (SBBV) FL210. Just handed over to Brasil (100nm to go):
Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx FL210 checking in
BV: Radar contact
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx ready to start decent
BV: (No response)
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx REQUEST lower for landing!
Repeated request gets no answer,
About 10nm to go
Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxxx, I can't seem to find any airport up here at FL210.
BV: Nxxxx, Cleared to land. Confirm gear down and locked?
Nxxx (@FL210): Cleared to land, gear down and locked (Coincidentally, the only way to get down anywhere near the Airport was idling engines and dropping the gear)
Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx FL210 checking in
BV: Radar contact
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx ready to start decent
BV: (No response)
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx REQUEST lower for landing!
Repeated request gets no answer,
About 10nm to go
Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxxx, I can't seem to find any airport up here at FL210.
BV: Nxxxx, Cleared to land. Confirm gear down and locked?
Nxxx (@FL210): Cleared to land, gear down and locked (Coincidentally, the only way to get down anywhere near the Airport was idling engines and dropping the gear)
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
Likes: 0
From: Gloucestershire
At EGBJ whilst taxiing for a 09 departure...
(can't account for the actual transcript but it went something like this)
A/C on flinals: G-xx just had a bird strike, continuing approach
TWR: roger, it appears to be a seagul, still hanging off your right main
A/C: Affirm, we'll vacate at the end and inspect damage on the taxiway if possibe
TWR: affirm
some time later
A/C: Gloster TWR G-xx, no apparent damage so we'll taxi to hangar, however this seagul has no legs to stand on
TWR: Roger, thats figures, the apron vehicle just found them on the runway, clear taxi.
made me chuckle!
(can't account for the actual transcript but it went something like this)
A/C on flinals: G-xx just had a bird strike, continuing approach
TWR: roger, it appears to be a seagul, still hanging off your right main
A/C: Affirm, we'll vacate at the end and inspect damage on the taxiway if possibe
TWR: affirm
some time later
A/C: Gloster TWR G-xx, no apparent damage so we'll taxi to hangar, however this seagul has no legs to stand on
TWR: Roger, thats figures, the apron vehicle just found them on the runway, clear taxi.
made me chuckle!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 37
Likes: 0
From: Christchurch
Can't remember the exact transmission, heard this on Tuesday morning.
London: ABC123 cleared direct xxxx
ABC123: Roger, cleared direct xxxx, eerrrrmmm whatever my call sign is
London: ABC123!
ABC123: Yeah that's it!
Made me smile early in the morning.
London: ABC123 cleared direct xxxx
ABC123: Roger, cleared direct xxxx, eerrrrmmm whatever my call sign is
London: ABC123!
ABC123: Yeah that's it!
Made me smile early in the morning.
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 45
Likes: 0
From: Slovenia
little something that happened to my classmate on his first flight after he got PPL
a/c: i'm loooooooooooooooooost
ATC: ok, where are you?
a/c: ummmmmmm, circling over a city
ATC: good for you, what do you see
a/c: forest
ATC: great, what else
a/c: dunno
not really and actual conversation, but something similar
also this was in slovenian language on FIS, we had a lot of laughs on this one since than
a/c: i'm loooooooooooooooooost
ATC: ok, where are you?
a/c: ummmmmmm, circling over a city
ATC: good for you, what do you see
a/c: forest
ATC: great, what else
a/c: dunno
not really and actual conversation, but something similar
also this was in slovenian language on FIS, we had a lot of laughs on this one since than
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Likes: 0
From: US
Happened in here a couple of days ago. USAF C-130 with callsign SixPackXX
Control: SixPackXX, XXXXX, established FL210 enroute XXXX. Be advised, ROZ XXXXX guns hot to 200, maintain heading.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, Sixpack XX, Copy.
A minute later the 130 starts dropping altitude getting close to the ROZ where fighters are operating. The controller starts to get angry and gets on the radio.
Control: !!!!!BAGXX, ELEVATE FL210.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, SixPackXX, was that for us?
Control: YES, unless you want a new F-15 hood ornament.
SixPackXX: That would make us a little too nose-heavy. Elevating to FL210.
____________________________________________________________ __
ABCD12 is a UAV and the link between the ground station and aircraft went down.
Control: ABCD12, XXXXX, You are leaving your assigned airspace. Having problems?
ABCD12: We have lost the link, the a/c will maintain speed and heading until it is re-established.
Control: Well get new batteries in that remote and get it back in your airspace before it hits a real airplane.
____________________________________________________________ __
More shenanigans over Afghanistan
Control: DUDEXX, XXXXX, what airspace would you like today?
DUDEXX: All of it.
Control: DUDEXX, say again?
DUDEXX: I want all airspace.
Control: DUDEXX Affirm. Elevate to FL800 call when established.
DUDEXX: Ummm...... I don't think that's going to work......
Control: Then you better figure out which airspace you need or I am putting you in the corner....
Control: SixPackXX, XXXXX, established FL210 enroute XXXX. Be advised, ROZ XXXXX guns hot to 200, maintain heading.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, Sixpack XX, Copy.
A minute later the 130 starts dropping altitude getting close to the ROZ where fighters are operating. The controller starts to get angry and gets on the radio.
Control: !!!!!BAGXX, ELEVATE FL210.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, SixPackXX, was that for us?
Control: YES, unless you want a new F-15 hood ornament.
SixPackXX: That would make us a little too nose-heavy. Elevating to FL210.
____________________________________________________________ __
ABCD12 is a UAV and the link between the ground station and aircraft went down.
Control: ABCD12, XXXXX, You are leaving your assigned airspace. Having problems?
ABCD12: We have lost the link, the a/c will maintain speed and heading until it is re-established.
Control: Well get new batteries in that remote and get it back in your airspace before it hits a real airplane.
____________________________________________________________ __
More shenanigans over Afghanistan
Control: DUDEXX, XXXXX, what airspace would you like today?
DUDEXX: All of it.
Control: DUDEXX, say again?
DUDEXX: I want all airspace.
Control: DUDEXX Affirm. Elevate to FL800 call when established.
DUDEXX: Ummm...... I don't think that's going to work......
Control: Then you better figure out which airspace you need or I am putting you in the corner....