ATC Humour (Merged)

[DAL208]

Funniest thing i heard was at college during the Emergency training. I was on the input side and my friend controlling. Traffic was a BAW*** 737 lined up on 26, and another a/c, a BRT*** 146 along taxiway S (parallel to the runway taxing opposite direction to get to holding point). He cleared the BAW for take off. Now, remember, with these emergency excercises, everyone is just waiting for something to happen. However, unfortunately the NATS simulators are prone to the odd gremlins and every now and again, an a/c instead of taking off down the runway, as you would expect, will roll out, at an angle accross the airfield.
Of course, it happened here, the BAW rolled out in a SW direction, straight into the path of the BRT a/c taxiing out. Pannicking as he thought it was part of the excersise all you could hear on RT was:

Trainee: 'OH MY GOD! err...Brittish***..eeer..'
Instructor in the background vindictively: 'do something'
Trainee: (as BAW plows along towards BRT) 'British*** eer...TRAFFIC INFORMATION...'

Now works at a London Airport

[Doug E Style]

Heard this exchange recently on the Heathrow Director frequency:

A/C: "Hello Heathrow, Callsign XYZ descending flight level one hundred to Lambourne, Airbus A319 with information, er, (short pause) Whiskey."
ATC: "Callsign XYZ roger, information Mike is current so your paper must be upside down."
A/C: "Sorry about that, I couldn't see where I'd written it down and I was just guessing."

[TopBunk]

Doug

Something similar, and probably done earlier ....

Pan Am inbound to Berlin/Tegel (shows my age!):

Pan Am: Berlin, Clipper 234 FL075 with info 'C'.
Berlin: Clipper 234, Present ATIS 'W', proceed inbound THF (Tempelhof VOR)
Pan Am 234: Much change?

[Doug E Style]

Another one from good old Heathrow...
Departure runway is 09R so aircraft on Compton SIDs (to the west) are being given amended departure clearances for separation from arrivals from the south.

Tower: Speedbird XYZ, departure instructions
A/C: Let me guess, straight ahead to London 2DME, then turn right heading 220 degrees, climb to 6000 feet.
Tower: Correct. You don't happen to know tonight's lottery numbers as well do you?

[jtor]

A/C: "Was it for xxx to pick up the localizer and down to 4000?"
APP: "Affirm. It's hard to remember what I said but that sounds good enough!"

[Pontius's Copilot]

Last year in the major scottish east coast airport: We are turning onto stand as the B737 (an Irish low cost airline not known for hanging about) that landed behind us vacates and checks in with Ground, ATC responds "Good morning Rxxxxxx XXX, you can hurtle in through Echo and park on Stand 3".

[Nowheels]

Today just caught the end of the conversation when we changed frequencies.
ATC : apologies I was looking at one thing and thinking of something else.
A/C : I do that with my wife.

[XratedCaptain]

NavCanada Comeback

Recently, at FL430 M.91, while crossing back into Canada from the Glasgow (GGW) VOR in NE Montana, we made a first call to Winnipeg Center who said: "At Edmonton's request, slow to Mach decimal 89."

We did. Shortly after, we were handed off to Edmonton Center and a pleasant lady's voice said: "Slow to Mach decimal 82."

I was on the other radio as the FO took the call and started to slow. Going out on a limb, I made a polite call back and said: "Ahhhh (humbly, and with respect) this is just an idea Ma'am... but given that we were just doing Mach .91, 510 true knots, and pushing only 20 kts of wind, could we please rethink the idea about slowing us almost 300 NM back from destination for a potential VUCAN conflict? I wonder if there something more efficient for everybody involved."

Transmission complete, I quickly realized it was a loaded and somewhat pompous question with the possibility of producing many "interesting" responses.

If we were in conflict with anybody below, even those 50 miles ahead, they were doing around M.78, pushing 70 knots of wind, and not real contenders for VUCAN. However, I also knew that I didn't have the complete traffic picture. Her potential conflict could have been another Calgary arrival from a different direction.

Furthermore, my ad hoc suggestion was made somewhat impulsively and I was a little wary of the inevitable response. I gave a suspicious look. The guy I was flying with had a startled demeanor and mumbled: "Oh man, you're in trouble."

Surely, everybody on the frequency had a different reaction when we heard a sultry:

"Citation X: After looking at you again, let her run at Mach decimal 91 and we'll see how it works out."

I asked for a slow decent so that we could increase to 530 knots true. While decending, I also needed her permission to level off in order to avoid increasing headwinds. She obliged me the whole way down and as we got closer I saw that she would have her desired separation at the fix.

As fate would have it, the conflicting traffic was from another direction and not part of my initial scenario. Nonetheless, I suavely keyed the microphone and said: "Edmonton Center: How's the speed looking?"

She responded with: "Citation X: Speed's looking good. Keep it up. Contact Calgary Arrival on 25.9. And let this be a lesson to all of you who think a woman will never compromise."

I thanked her for exemplary customer service, and quickly switched to arrival.

[wizad]

from fellow london radar colleague and speedbird heading north, looking for a quick route for transplant organ on board:
A/C: "evening london, speedbird xxx passing xxx climbing FL xxx...... and we have a live organ on board"
ATC (quick as a flash):" speedbird xxx, roger.... whats he playing?"
made us laugh anyway.
W

[manxramptramp]

Heard in IOM. The local Shell driver had asked for permission to go to area Mike- a trip taken numerous times each day.

Fueller- "Tower Shell one , now reached area Mike"

Reply from Tower- "well done!"

[av8plume]

Funny

At the holding point at Gold Coast Airfield behind a Piper and a departing 737-800.

Said the controller: "Piper ABC, line up behind the Virgin"

[Lon More]

On June 22, 1984 Virgin Atlantic operated its inaugural scheduled air service between London Gatwick and Newark Liberty

av8plume Sorry to spoil your fun but the above date is probably the first time that line was used, and to save the bother of the next one, "I wouldn't fly on Virgin, who wants to go with someone who's never been all the way?"

[Steakpie]

Good one I heard a few month ago:

ATC. xyz123, turn left heading 150 degrees, report your heading.

ACC. left heading 150 degrees (slight pause) . . .heading 150 degrees with a chuckle

it really tickled us!

[Jerricho]

Ahhhh yes, the good old "Climb runway heading.......and report the heading"

[mad_hatter]

ATC:xyz123 report intention?
a/c(on base): i want to become a commercial pilot.

atc: xyz123 report intention?
a/c(female pilot): roger.
and she did this 4 times.
phew....

[BrianN1]

At a tower at an RAF airfield near the Miele factory in Germany many moons ago, dealing with an eclectic mix or Harrier GR3s, Pumas and the newley arrived Chinook helios and visiting fast jets on practice diversions, the trooper (then operated by Britannia and a 737, but sporting a paint job two or three versions earlier than their current one), taxying out asked Tower,

"Do you juggle balls as well?"

[WildWesterner]

A major American airline check's on and is given route including the STAR to the hold (Willo) for KK, dutifully read back.

A few transmissions pass, then...

"London, do you have time for a question?"

"Go ahead..."

"We've never been to London before, this Willo2D, do we just descend at our discretion to make the level restrictions down to seven at willo?"

Gulp...

This was under normal ops, and maybe it's not such a stupid question, but it made me chuckle, and the BA behind.

At least he asked!

WW

[5711N0205W]

King of Speed

Reproduced from;

http://http://www.jumbojoke.com/the_...speed_844.html

True story? Dunno, but it sounds plausible. hope it's not already here......

- - -

There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.

It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.

I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back seat. There he was, with no really good view of the incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four different radios. This was good practice for him for when we began flying real missions, when a priority transmission from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult, too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during my entire flying career I had controlled my own transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however. Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.

We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed.

Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground."

Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country's space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that... and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.

Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed.

"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed."

Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.

Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios.

"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."

Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet.

And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion:

"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."

And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.

I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet.

Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke:

"Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?"

There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an everyday request:

"Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."

I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice:

"Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money."

For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the HoustonCentervoice, when L.A. came back with,

"Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."

It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short, memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's work.

We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.

[papazulu]

True story? Dunno, but it sounds plausible. hope it's not already here......

The story is true, me thinks. The same one was told me in person by the man himself at Reno Air Races in 1999 if I remember well.

Brian Shul aka as Sled Driver's author. One of the finest memories book on the legendary SR71.


PZ

[Cpt_Pugwash]

Priceless

Lifted from the SPTA forum, logged on May 17 ....

RNHF's Sea Fury checked in with Boscombe to request Radar Information Service whilst carrying out General Handling in the block FL100-180.

I/C went something like...
Sea Fury:- 'Boscombe, Sea Fury'
Boscombe:- 'Roger - identified, what service do you require?'
Sea Fury:- 'would like radar information service...'
Boscombe:- 'Can you confirm aircraft type please'
Sea Fury:- 'Er - It's a Sea Fury'
Boscombe:- 'Ah, sorry, not familiar'
Unid:- 'Must be too young'