ATC Humour (Merged)
I REALLY SHOULDN'T BE HERE
Heard last week north of POL with moderate turbulence at a number of levels:
AAA123: Scottish, we're in moderate turbulence at 230, any reports from higher?
Scottish: BBB345 how's the ride at 270?
BBB345: Don't know, haven't tried it...
Well it made me laugh anyway!
AAA123: Scottish, we're in moderate turbulence at 230, any reports from higher?
Scottish: BBB345 how's the ride at 270?
BBB345: Don't know, haven't tried it...
Well it made me laugh anyway!
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Scotland
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About 20 Years ago, during a down turn in the oil industry, there were 6 or 7 drilling rigs "parked" quite close to the shore off Aberdeen. The Helicopter Companies regularly sent their crews out to these rigs for night deck-landing practice. One particular evening one of these helis was doing that for what seemed like hours and we always got them to call "letting down" and "lifting off" each time. Having done this with this particular heli umpteen times during that stint I eventually got my phrases muddled and asked him to report "Letting Off" ... 
DD
DD
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Three steps from reality
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A few weeks ago in the sandpit, an Emirates flight came on frequency, an Airbus A330-200 according to the strip...
UAExxx: "Dubai, UAExxx, Airbus 345 [A340-500] passing BUBIN descending 10 thousand, speed 230"
Dubai ARR: "UAExxx, report your passing altitude and just confirm the aircraft type."
UAExxx: "Uh, yes, we're actually a 332."
Dubai ARR: "Did you count the throttles or is there a placard somewhere?"
UAExxx: "Dubai, UAExxx, Airbus 345 [A340-500] passing BUBIN descending 10 thousand, speed 230"
Dubai ARR: "UAExxx, report your passing altitude and just confirm the aircraft type."
UAExxx: "Uh, yes, we're actually a 332."
Dubai ARR: "Did you count the throttles or is there a placard somewhere?"
Join Date: Sep 2006
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"a flight school nearby teaching future a320 pilots always says:
2 pob dual
or
1 pob solo........"
2 pob dual
or
1 pob solo........"
Heard from the same training association last week:
Pilot: "Tower, can you please confirm the position of the Cessna on finals?"
Tower: "Uh.....yes."
Avoid imitations
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Wandering the FIR and cyberspace often at highly unsociable times
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On tuesday I was passing Cranfield under a FIS. The pilot of an aircraft that just landed advised ATC that there was a pheasant standing on the runway, right on the centre line.
ATC responded by telling the aircraft on finals to go around due to an obstruction on the runway.
I was very, very tempted to ask if they had any "pheasant pluckers" at Cranfield.
But I resisted, as I wasn't sure I wouldn't get tongue tied.
ATC responded by telling the aircraft on finals to go around due to an obstruction on the runway.
I was very, very tempted to ask if they had any "pheasant pluckers" at Cranfield.
But I resisted, as I wasn't sure I wouldn't get tongue tied.
Join Date: Mar 2001
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Was asked by a "local tower" to transmit the following to a departing HS125 2 days ago.......
"Message from the operator - please return asap as you have forgotten yr passengers"
Of course, the freq was busy and some sniggering was heard.
"Message from the operator - please return asap as you have forgotten yr passengers"
Of course, the freq was busy and some sniggering was heard.
Female pilot called up the other day using callsign BRT45JB but my FPS had the callsign as BRT45BJ.
"British four five julliet bravo, just confirm your callsign is julliet bravo and not bravo julliet?" I asked.
"We're definately JB",she said.
"Roger, I was expecting a BJ", I innocently replied, to much laughter on the R/T.
The penny didn't drop for a couple of minutes!
"British four five julliet bravo, just confirm your callsign is julliet bravo and not bravo julliet?" I asked.
"We're definately JB",she said.
"Roger, I was expecting a BJ", I innocently replied, to much laughter on the R/T.
The penny didn't drop for a couple of minutes!
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A/C1: "...and may we vacate runway via ZG?"
TWR: "Approved."
A/C1:"Via ZG, xxx."
A/C2: "And may we vacate via ZD, yyy?"
TWR: "Approved."
A/C2: "Thanks"
--
A/C2 passes ZD and calls tower: "...ZD, may we vacate via ZG?"
TWR: "Approved, but if you want you may backtrack and vacate via ZD..."
TWR: "Approved."
A/C1:"Via ZG, xxx."
A/C2: "And may we vacate via ZD, yyy?"
TWR: "Approved."
A/C2: "Thanks"
--
A/C2 passes ZD and calls tower: "...ZD, may we vacate via ZG?"
TWR: "Approved, but if you want you may backtrack and vacate via ZD..."
Join Date: Dec 2006
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We have a superstore about 1 mile from the threshold -
G-XX short finals for 06 just overhead Tesco's
ATC: G-XX Cleared to land Rwy 06 wind 040/05, you couldn't pick me up a sandwich could you?
G-XX short finals for 06 just overhead Tesco's
ATC: G-XX Cleared to land Rwy 06 wind 040/05, you couldn't pick me up a sandwich could you?
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Passing New York up on way home from Cancun a couple of nights ago.
"New York, This is Turkish 2 Heavy, climbing 270."
Ok, I didn't say any thing, no one did, but I was Sooo tempted to say something about cutting down on the kebabs etc.
"New York, This is Turkish 2 Heavy, climbing 270."
Ok, I didn't say any thing, no one did, but I was Sooo tempted to say something about cutting down on the kebabs etc.
Join Date: Oct 2005
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Once heard about a student at my old school who, when approaching Lakenheath / Mildenhall, was asked to squawk. This completely threw him, as he'd never been shown how to even use the transponder ! He ended up telling the controller that he would like to penetrate him ! It might be one of those myths, but it made me laugh !
Join Date: Feb 2002
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AlanM - was that a business airfield west of OCK or somewhere near BIG? Brilliant!
One heard a few years ago:
"Unknown traffic, 1 o'clock, two miles, no height information...."
After a few seconds:
"Roger, is it a helicopter?"
...think about it....
One heard a few years ago:
"Unknown traffic, 1 o'clock, two miles, no height information...."
After a few seconds:
"Roger, is it a helicopter?"
...think about it....
Join Date: Sep 2003
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On a not very crowded spanish airport (to be honest, one plane and one controller on the whole airspace)
Simmilar setup. Norwegian regional airport, very close to the Russian border early 90s when atc was run by the CAA, and controllers worked 24hr shifts (!!!!)
due to staff shortage. Midnight, controller hoping there will be no tfc that night so he can sleep last 6 hrs. WIF DHC6 is inbound and is cleared for ils etc etc to report est. Some time after that the controller nods off (!)Perhaps 20 min later he awakes to se DHC6 parked at the terminal.
Now our 'hero' is innovative, and when the captain on the DHC6 is checking into the hotel later on he is handed a note by the clerk.
"WIF123 you are cleared to land RWY24 and taxi to stand 1"
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AC: Delivery good morning, xyz123, ready for start-up
DEL: xyz123 you are number 142 for departure, expect start-up in about 2 1/2 hours
AC: ...confirm 2 1/2 hours, xyz123...?
DEL: xyz123, affirm, that's correct!
AC: in this case cancel the good morning, xyz123.
DEL: xyz123 you are number 142 for departure, expect start-up in about 2 1/2 hours
AC: ...confirm 2 1/2 hours, xyz123...?
DEL: xyz123, affirm, that's correct!
AC: in this case cancel the good morning, xyz123.
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About 6 years ago when I was working on my PPL at a class C field in Florida-
My instructor and I prepare to taxi out for some practice landings at about 0600 local.
"good morning xxx ground, yyy at R3 with information golf, request closed traffic on 7R"
(slight delay)
"NO CLOSED TRAFFIC UNTIL MORAL IMPROVES".....several very long seconds of silence followed by "good morning" and the requested clearance, and laughter on both sides...
Another time, cleared to land with the advisory "traffic on the runway is a turtle crossing right to left, advise in sight"....
My instructor and I prepare to taxi out for some practice landings at about 0600 local.
"good morning xxx ground, yyy at R3 with information golf, request closed traffic on 7R"
(slight delay)
"NO CLOSED TRAFFIC UNTIL MORAL IMPROVES".....several very long seconds of silence followed by "good morning" and the requested clearance, and laughter on both sides...
Another time, cleared to land with the advisory "traffic on the runway is a turtle crossing right to left, advise in sight"....
Join Date: Sep 2003
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UK Navy helo inbound the field, is told to join RIGHT downwind.
He (SK4 from a Somerset airbase) then duly crosses the extended and joins LEFT downwind.
*Sigh*
After a slight b@llocking about what window the RWY should appear in when on RIGHT downwind, a unknown voice pipes up:
"...you should try starboard next time......"
There was a RAF C130 present as well.......
He (SK4 from a Somerset airbase) then duly crosses the extended and joins LEFT downwind.
*Sigh*
After a slight b@llocking about what window the RWY should appear in when on RIGHT downwind, a unknown voice pipes up:
"...you should try starboard next time......"
There was a RAF C130 present as well.......
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Heard last night on London ATCC 134.9
Busy frequency full of mainly Easyjets and a couple of Speedbirds...
(Female Pilot) Speedbird: London, Speedbird *** climbing flight level 130 heading zero nine zero
London ATC: Station calling London - are you an Easy?
(Female Pilot) Speedbird: (Indignation in voice) London are you calling me EASY?!
London ATC: I promise I would never call you that madam! Presume then you are Speedbird ***!
(Female Pilot) Speedbird: Yes - that's a relief! Speedbird ***
Well I found it funny!
(Female Pilot) Speedbird: London, Speedbird *** climbing flight level 130 heading zero nine zero
London ATC: Station calling London - are you an Easy?
(Female Pilot) Speedbird: (Indignation in voice) London are you calling me EASY?!
London ATC: I promise I would never call you that madam! Presume then you are Speedbird ***!
(Female Pilot) Speedbird: Yes - that's a relief! Speedbird ***
Well I found it funny!