ATC Humour (Merged)
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: The Burrow, N53:48:02 W1:48:57, The Tin Tent - EGBS, EGBO
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Originally Posted by PPRuNe Radar
Nah, it's just that we've heard them all before 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: out and about
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There was a man in a Moth staged through Darwin in the early thirties. He'd named his plane 'The Five Winds'. When asked by the local newspaper reporter how so, he said in his very British accent:
"Well old chap, you'd be au faitwith the well known four winds, I expect, and in mycase there's also the wind up."
"Well old chap, you'd be au faitwith the well known four winds, I expect, and in mycase there's also the wind up."
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: to the left and down
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Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Geneva
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XXX air force
A real one from somewhere in Europe :
ATC : XXX Air Force, contact YYY
XXX AF : ...
ATC : XXX Air Force, contact YYY
XXX AF : ...
ATC : XXX Air Force do you read ?
XXX AF : sure, why ?
ATC : we tried to call you several times...
XXX AF : oh, you know, we are not always in the cockpit...
ATC : XXX Air Force, contact YYY
XXX AF : ...
ATC : XXX Air Force, contact YYY
XXX AF : ...
ATC : XXX Air Force do you read ?
XXX AF : sure, why ?
ATC : we tried to call you several times...
XXX AF : oh, you know, we are not always in the cockpit...
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: in the mire
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Almost thought Atc and humour a contradiction in terms.
Heard personally this week " **** you are cleared take off,wind calm.Gusting 15kts, er if you know what l mean"
Mess Your Passage
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Temporarily Unaware......
Age: 25
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This week at N Weald.....
Me on me way back to af late evening really nice 10 miles out nothing heard on freq for a good 10 mins.
Get Airfield details from Weald and reply to " no reported traffic, "
"Great the sky is mine" loving the exclusive pleasure of a great flight like this only to hear.....
...." Oh no it's not " and subsequent details passed....
"Stole his thunder there Sir. " came the usually cool reply from NW a/g.
He did but i found him and beat him to the field giving him a wave and a roll.
Must have been the sun......
He did not wave back tho so either he did not see me or he is not as much of a funny guy as his initial transmission suggests......
luv
f
Me on me way back to af late evening really nice 10 miles out nothing heard on freq for a good 10 mins.
Get Airfield details from Weald and reply to " no reported traffic, "
"Great the sky is mine" loving the exclusive pleasure of a great flight like this only to hear.....
...." Oh no it's not " and subsequent details passed....
"Stole his thunder there Sir. " came the usually cool reply from NW a/g.
He did but i found him and beat him to the field giving him a wave and a roll.
Must have been the sun......
He did not wave back tho so either he did not see me or he is not as much of a funny guy as his initial transmission suggests......
luv
f
Join Date: May 2006
Location: right here, right now
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I've only made one embarrassing mess up on the radio :-) - well I never said i made only one mess up, just only one EMBARRASSING one. It was talking to the military, asking for clearance, on my QXC...
Military: What's your max altitude
Me (thinking, crazily enough, that they meant my ceiling!): 10,000 feet
Military (through laughter): Well you won't be going up THERE!
On another instructional flight we were taxiing onto the runway after a citation had landed - and after it, between us and the citation, a C152 had taken off.
ATC (to us): caution wake turbulence
Neh, it's the first time I ever heard of wake turbulence from a C152...
Citation pilot: Are you calling me FAT?
And more recently, when taking off...
King Air pilot: ...inbound to the field
ATC: ...join right downwind for 25... traffic is XXX rolling on 25
pilot: ...joining right downwind for 25, traffic copied, will try not to hit him!!!
Military: What's your max altitude
Me (thinking, crazily enough, that they meant my ceiling!): 10,000 feet
Military (through laughter): Well you won't be going up THERE!
On another instructional flight we were taxiing onto the runway after a citation had landed - and after it, between us and the citation, a C152 had taken off.
ATC (to us): caution wake turbulence
Neh, it's the first time I ever heard of wake turbulence from a C152...
Citation pilot: Are you calling me FAT?
And more recently, when taking off...
King Air pilot: ...inbound to the field
ATC: ...join right downwind for 25... traffic is XXX rolling on 25
pilot: ...joining right downwind for 25, traffic copied, will try not to hit him!!!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hotels everywhere
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Overheard at JHB Intl
Russian IL76 pilot taking a while to wind the old smoking engines of his huge plane up to take off power, while tower clears a springbok (SAA) 737 to line up behind.
Springbok : " Clear to line up behind old smoky"
Russian - as he slowly levitates his big machine off the runway trailing smoke :" Wone day wen you arr beeg you can smoke too..."
Tower : " abc turn base behind the Cherokee ahead of you ..:
Proud pilot in aircraft ahead: " Hey I'm not a cherokee I am a Seneca "
Tower : " Roger turn base behind the twin cherokee..:
Russian IL76 pilot taking a while to wind the old smoking engines of his huge plane up to take off power, while tower clears a springbok (SAA) 737 to line up behind.
Springbok : " Clear to line up behind old smoky"
Russian - as he slowly levitates his big machine off the runway trailing smoke :" Wone day wen you arr beeg you can smoke too..."
Tower : " abc turn base behind the Cherokee ahead of you ..:
Proud pilot in aircraft ahead: " Hey I'm not a cherokee I am a Seneca "
Tower : " Roger turn base behind the twin cherokee..:
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Dublin
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Heard yesterday on Dublin ATIS:
Here is Dublin ATIS information Victor recorded at ..............bla bla bla
.............advise on initial contact that you have listened to information Victor. Operational information for pilots. Munster have won the Heineken Cup by four points.
Here is Dublin ATIS information Victor recorded at ..............bla bla bla
.............advise on initial contact that you have listened to information Victor. Operational information for pilots. Munster have won the Heineken Cup by four points.
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: S coast
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gave traffic on a Siai Marchetti 205 joining the circuit in front of another a/c & the pilot of the second A/c asked what's that?
I replied...an Italian cherokee
the SM pilot complained and quoted a number of advanced features that set his aircraft apart
To cut to the chase I asked:-
is it single engine...yes
is it low wing...yes
is it 4 seat...yes
...it's an italian cherokee!!
I replied...an Italian cherokee
the SM pilot complained and quoted a number of advanced features that set his aircraft apart
To cut to the chase I asked:-
is it single engine...yes
is it low wing...yes
is it 4 seat...yes
...it's an italian cherokee!!
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Taxiway Y1
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A while back there was some runway maintanence in progress that involved use of explosives...
Female ATC Ground: Speedbird x, hold short of runway y, I have a blowjob on the runway.
Speedbird: Uhh, ok ma'am, advise when finished...
Female ATC Ground: Speedbird x, hold short of runway y, I have a blowjob on the runway.
Speedbird: Uhh, ok ma'am, advise when finished...
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Transylvania. Where else?
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Well I thought it was funny........
Seeing the PATCO thread reminded me of a story told to me by one of the ex-PATCO guys in Abu Dhabi way back when (and if it's not true, it should be!)
Aurora Centre : Speedbird 123, turn left thirty degrees for noise abatement.
Speedbird 23 : Aurora, confirm this is for noise abatement? We are at FL390!
Aurora Centre : Speedbird 123, have you heard the noise two Jumbos make when they hit each
other?
Aurora Centre : Speedbird 123, turn left thirty degrees for noise abatement.
Speedbird 23 : Aurora, confirm this is for noise abatement? We are at FL390!
Aurora Centre : Speedbird 123, have you heard the noise two Jumbos make when they hit each
other?
Working RAF Waddington RAS one day, just north of Waddington (UK):
Female ATCO: "G xxxx, have a slow moving contact 12 o clock 3 miles no height, may be a flock of birds"
Me: "Copied, looking, are they squawking ?"
ATCO: "Standby, I'll go outside and listen "
Female ATCO: "G xxxx, have a slow moving contact 12 o clock 3 miles no height, may be a flock of birds"
Me: "Copied, looking, are they squawking ?"
ATCO: "Standby, I'll go outside and listen "
Last edited by OwnNav; 30th May 2006 at 14:09.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: west london
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Usual crewroom banter at LATCC a couple of years ago. One of the lads had just had his annual medical and was explaining about how the Doc had instructed him to drop his keks and bend over. Young Irish lass was due for her medical the next day and listened with horror. "Well", she said, "If he asks me to drop mine and bend over, I'm gonna tell him to ram it!". Fits of laughter from the lads - confused and bewildered look from the lass. 