ATC Humour (Merged)
Early morning at Frankfurt (allegedly)
Speedbird 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Negative Speed bird 123, hold position.
Lufthansa 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Clear taxi, Lufthansa 123.
Speedbird 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Negative 123, hold position.
Lufthansa 456: Request taxi.
Twr: Clear taxi, Lufthansa 456
Speedbird 123: Why are we still holding?
Lufthansa 456: German pilots get up early and put their towels on the end of the runway.
Speedbird 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Negative Speed bird 123, hold position.
Lufthansa 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Clear taxi, Lufthansa 123.
Speedbird 123: Request taxi.
Twr: Negative 123, hold position.
Lufthansa 456: Request taxi.
Twr: Clear taxi, Lufthansa 456
Speedbird 123: Why are we still holding?
Lufthansa 456: German pilots get up early and put their towels on the end of the runway.
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On the Hurn Sector,LATCC, early morning many eons ago.
Only 2 on freq, BA from BOS and People Express 747 from EWR.
(It helps if you know that People Express had a job-sharing ethic throughout the company.)
Several calls to "People 2" get no reply and then a white-glove equipped voice comes from the ether saying
" they're all probably down the back clearing the breakfast things!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Same sector not so long ago - Air 2000 to Tenerife off Gatwick calls, gets climb and sent to Ortac.
Kindly know-all chief points out it's actually going via Lands End about a minute later.
Big right turn to get back on track followed by hefty left to LND.
Attempted to apologise for either the short or the slight dogleg and managed to merge the 2 words into a far more accurate word
--- sh$te-- !!!!
Much mirth for a while.
40612 carrying hazardous cargo
Only 2 on freq, BA from BOS and People Express 747 from EWR.
(It helps if you know that People Express had a job-sharing ethic throughout the company.)
Several calls to "People 2" get no reply and then a white-glove equipped voice comes from the ether saying
" they're all probably down the back clearing the breakfast things!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Same sector not so long ago - Air 2000 to Tenerife off Gatwick calls, gets climb and sent to Ortac.
Kindly know-all chief points out it's actually going via Lands End about a minute later.
Big right turn to get back on track followed by hefty left to LND.
Attempted to apologise for either the short or the slight dogleg and managed to merge the 2 words into a far more accurate word
--- sh$te-- !!!!
Much mirth for a while.
40612 carrying hazardous cargo
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Heard at EGGW yesterday:
Silver Arrows Challenger being followed to the holding point by EZY B737:
TWR: SWZ307Z from Tower, are you with me?
(No response)
TWR: SWZ307Z, Tower...
(No response)
EZY: Tower, Easy123 with you to Alpha1
TWR: Easy123 rgr
TWR: SWZ307Z, Tower are you with me?
(No response)
TWR: SWZ307Z Tower...
(No response)
EZY: I could get the F/O to jump out and bang on his window if you like.....
Silver Arrows Challenger being followed to the holding point by EZY B737:
TWR: SWZ307Z from Tower, are you with me?
(No response)
TWR: SWZ307Z, Tower...
(No response)
EZY: Tower, Easy123 with you to Alpha1
TWR: Easy123 rgr
TWR: SWZ307Z, Tower are you with me?
(No response)
TWR: SWZ307Z Tower...
(No response)
EZY: I could get the F/O to jump out and bang on his window if you like.....
"Air Force One" (B707/C-137) was visiting UK back in the 1960s. Crusty old Colonel captain decides to visit a few RAF airfields to do some crew training. These were the days before secondary radar.
AF1: "Air Force One checking in and requesting a PAR"
RAF: "Roger Air Force One, can I have your present position, heading and height?"
AF1:"Look Buddy, you've got the goddam radar, you find us!"
After a couple of identification turns Air Force One is now on dog leg to finals.
RAF: "Air Force One you are now on dog leg to finals just confirm your aircraft is multi-channel VHF equipped?"
AF1 "Affirmative"
RAF:"Right then old boy, you find the Final Controller!"
AF1: "Air Force One checking in and requesting a PAR"
RAF: "Roger Air Force One, can I have your present position, heading and height?"
AF1:"Look Buddy, you've got the goddam radar, you find us!"
After a couple of identification turns Air Force One is now on dog leg to finals.
RAF: "Air Force One you are now on dog leg to finals just confirm your aircraft is multi-channel VHF equipped?"
AF1 "Affirmative"
RAF:"Right then old boy, you find the Final Controller!"
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On the subject of PAR's. ASCOT recovering to RAF xxx
CNTLR - 'What type of recovery?'
ASCOT - 'Request PAR for controller training'
On MAD ATIS yesterday refering to training in progress:
.....Caution, controllers on the job....
CNTLR - 'What type of recovery?'
ASCOT - 'Request PAR for controller training'
On MAD ATIS yesterday refering to training in progress:
.....Caution, controllers on the job....
Ohcirrej
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Inbound jet from the south west into Heathrow (South holds being Ockham and Biggin)
BAW*** - "Director, BAW*** on course OCKHAM, a 747 with Alpha, descending FL....etc"
ATC - "BAW***, hold BIGGIN, delay 10 - 15 minutes"
(Mirth in voice)
BAW*** "How about we make that Ockham"
(Sounding just a little flustered)
ATC "Sure, but it's 10 - 15 minutes there as well!"
2 jets leaving the LAM hold on the same heading, BE200 at FL 70, A340 at FL 80 about 4 miles behind but going much faster. As the Airbus caught up to the King Air and the returns on the radar merged, a meek little voice was heard.....
"It's gone awful dark......."
Binoculars,
Sorry, just reading through. The story about old YBBN tower. I think my old man was working with you that day. We were only talking about it not that long ago. I'll have to tell him about this!
(Sign posted above entrance to Ops room at old Brisbane AACC)
"Abandon all hope, all ye who enter...."
BAW*** - "Director, BAW*** on course OCKHAM, a 747 with Alpha, descending FL....etc"
ATC - "BAW***, hold BIGGIN, delay 10 - 15 minutes"
(Mirth in voice)
BAW*** "How about we make that Ockham"
(Sounding just a little flustered)
ATC "Sure, but it's 10 - 15 minutes there as well!"
2 jets leaving the LAM hold on the same heading, BE200 at FL 70, A340 at FL 80 about 4 miles behind but going much faster. As the Airbus caught up to the King Air and the returns on the radar merged, a meek little voice was heard.....
"It's gone awful dark......."
Binoculars,
Sorry, just reading through. The story about old YBBN tower. I think my old man was working with you that day. We were only talking about it not that long ago. I'll have to tell him about this!
(Sign posted above entrance to Ops room at old Brisbane AACC)
"Abandon all hope, all ye who enter...."
Last edited by Jerricho; 12th Mar 2003 at 09:50.
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Several years ago at an airfield very near LAM.
An American voice comes over the radio: "Good morning ***** Information, this is *****.
FISO: "Good morning *****, pass your message."
Pilot: "***** is a B747 routing Boston to Frankfurt (I can't remember the exact destinations, but you get the idea) at FL350, request zone transit."
FISO: "Roger, nothing known at that altitude to conflict. Our advisory QNH is 1025. Keep a very good lookout as the circuit is active."
Pilot: "QNH 1025, keeping a very good lookout, *****."
True story, I was there.
RD
An American voice comes over the radio: "Good morning ***** Information, this is *****.
FISO: "Good morning *****, pass your message."
Pilot: "***** is a B747 routing Boston to Frankfurt (I can't remember the exact destinations, but you get the idea) at FL350, request zone transit."
FISO: "Roger, nothing known at that altitude to conflict. Our advisory QNH is 1025. Keep a very good lookout as the circuit is active."
Pilot: "QNH 1025, keeping a very good lookout, *****."
True story, I was there.
RD
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Dogs in Flight
Some years ago when Continental still flew down this way:
Continental ramp phoned up and asked us to call the crew of their DC10 while it was on the climb out of NZAA to PHNL and remind them to keep one particular cargo hold heated as it had a number of dogs travelling in it.
The laconic mid western drawl in response just offered the opinion that all the dogs were working in the economy class cabin.
Ouch
Continental ramp phoned up and asked us to call the crew of their DC10 while it was on the climb out of NZAA to PHNL and remind them to keep one particular cargo hold heated as it had a number of dogs travelling in it.
The laconic mid western drawl in response just offered the opinion that all the dogs were working in the economy class cabin.
Ouch
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BEENO, KOMIK and DANDI are no more
This from the latest batch of NOTAMs:
OTH : FROM 03/03/20 00:01 TO 03/04/02 23:59 B0480/03
E) AIP AMDT AIRAC 3/2003 WEF 20 MAR PERM
NAME CODE DESIGNATORS FOR SIGNIFICANT POINTS. REPORTING
POINTS WITH PURPOSE AMENDED
<snip>
REPORTING POINTS WITHDRAWN
ABSIL, AMIBA, ANGEL, ANNIK, ATWEL, BASAV, BEENO, BLUFA, BUNIT,
DANDI, DIMES, DODSI, DOGGA, DOMIN, DUNLO, ELDIN, FILET, GABAD,
GIRDO, GOKAT, KESON, KIPPA, KOLEY, KOMIK, LORLA, MULIT, PELOM,
RAPIT, RAPON, RONVI, SAMON, SILVA, SITKO, SKATE, SOMIT, SOTOL,
SPRAT.
UK AIP ENR 4.3 REFERS
Sad...
Tim
OTH : FROM 03/03/20 00:01 TO 03/04/02 23:59 B0480/03
E) AIP AMDT AIRAC 3/2003 WEF 20 MAR PERM
NAME CODE DESIGNATORS FOR SIGNIFICANT POINTS. REPORTING
POINTS WITH PURPOSE AMENDED
<snip>
REPORTING POINTS WITHDRAWN
ABSIL, AMIBA, ANGEL, ANNIK, ATWEL, BASAV, BEENO, BLUFA, BUNIT,
DANDI, DIMES, DODSI, DOGGA, DOMIN, DUNLO, ELDIN, FILET, GABAD,
GIRDO, GOKAT, KESON, KIPPA, KOLEY, KOMIK, LORLA, MULIT, PELOM,
RAPIT, RAPON, RONVI, SAMON, SILVA, SITKO, SKATE, SOMIT, SOTOL,
SPRAT.
UK AIP ENR 4.3 REFERS
Sad...
Tim
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116 Classics!
Hello all
I think RT errors of a humerous nature should be in the public domain so I've a couple of Course 116 classics for your perusal.
I believe it was a certain Welsh lady, now posted to LACC who's lines during Aerodrome 1 include:
"Tug 3, Seaton Tower, Tug approved..."
and my favourite would have to be:
"G-AC, cleared Touch and Grow runway 26!"
at which all within earshot fell about laughing.
And just yesterday, in an exchange between a lovely Speedbird lady pilot and Gatwick Approach:
APC "Speedbird ###, resume own navigation Holly then Willo to hold"
BAW "Roger, routing Hollow Willy to hold"
APC "You've just made my day!"
BAW "I'm so sorry everyone!" (In an embarrassed tone!)
If I remember/encounter any more I'll let you know!
Eric
PS. Sorry Sarah!
I think RT errors of a humerous nature should be in the public domain so I've a couple of Course 116 classics for your perusal.
I believe it was a certain Welsh lady, now posted to LACC who's lines during Aerodrome 1 include:
"Tug 3, Seaton Tower, Tug approved..."
and my favourite would have to be:
"G-AC, cleared Touch and Grow runway 26!"
at which all within earshot fell about laughing.
And just yesterday, in an exchange between a lovely Speedbird lady pilot and Gatwick Approach:
APC "Speedbird ###, resume own navigation Holly then Willo to hold"
BAW "Roger, routing Hollow Willy to hold"
APC "You've just made my day!"
BAW "I'm so sorry everyone!" (In an embarrassed tone!)
If I remember/encounter any more I'll let you know!
Eric
PS. Sorry Sarah!
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A PAN AM 747 suffers and engine failure on rotation at LHR
PILOT: Err ah Clipper 123 we are going to continue straight ahead runway heading and dump some gas.
CONTROLLER: Are you aware sir that you current heading takes you over Windsor Castle where her Majesty is currently in residence.
PILOT: (quick as a flash) Ask her majesty does she just want the gas or the aeroplane and the gas.
PILOT: Err ah Clipper 123 we are going to continue straight ahead runway heading and dump some gas.
CONTROLLER: Are you aware sir that you current heading takes you over Windsor Castle where her Majesty is currently in residence.
PILOT: (quick as a flash) Ask her majesty does she just want the gas or the aeroplane and the gas.
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Washington Ground control to united 727 having just taken the second wrong turn:
"United XXX, you just took a wrong turn AGAIN!!! You are now out of sequence and messing up my priority pattern!! Turn LEFT, i say again LEFT at next holding bay and HOLD POSITION, i repeat DO NOT MOVE until i tell you!!!"
(This in a very aggressive tone from a audibly emotional female controller)
United XXX: "Uuhh Roger." (embarassed and cowed)
...
(30 seconds of embarassed silence on ground frequ...)
(male voice from other airplane in the sequence):
"Wasn't I married to you once, Ma'am?"
"United XXX, you just took a wrong turn AGAIN!!! You are now out of sequence and messing up my priority pattern!! Turn LEFT, i say again LEFT at next holding bay and HOLD POSITION, i repeat DO NOT MOVE until i tell you!!!"
(This in a very aggressive tone from a audibly emotional female controller)
United XXX: "Uuhh Roger." (embarassed and cowed)
...
(30 seconds of embarassed silence on ground frequ...)
(male voice from other airplane in the sequence):
"Wasn't I married to you once, Ma'am?"
Avoid imitations
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During a phone call to book out at an aiport somewhere in the East Midlands, the ATC assistant lady asked me: "Are you coming back later? If you are, I'll do a strip for you!"
I answered that it was certainly the best offer I was going to get all day, but regrettably, no!
We both guffawed and she hooted and squealed with embarrassed laughter for some time....made my day!
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A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded Seven-Engine approach".
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overheard on memphis approach...
ATC: cleared the "pearly gates" hold on the 360 radial, standard hold, really busy at moment, can expect 36C"
Mesaba:roger.....
ATC: Mesaba I can squeeze you in, turn XXX
ATC: unknown,Cleared to hold at the "pearly gates"...
unknown: (in a thick middle eastern accent) I do not want to die today, I dont want to visit pearly gates
ATC: OK- try visiting ELVIS and hold
unknown: WHats the difference?
- Elvis is published but for some odd reason ATC for calling it Pearly gates- I was cracking up soo hard!
At Olive Branch airport- Unicom with alot of training (cessnas and the such) and also business traffic
Citation XX: OLV traffic, citation XX, 8 mile final 36
Me: OLV traffic, Cessna 72813 turning left base 36
Citation: 72813- I see you and issue you a go around
My instructor: Citation you are not ATC and not God so get in the pattern and chill
Citation: fine
Kingair: OLV traffic kingair following citation onto downwind and slowing due to his apparent lack of balls
Me: OLV traffic, citation lacks balls
Random people: Thats hilarious
Citation: (this time a women- i guess the FO) Dont be so harsh hes gunna cry
Kingair: I knew it was ballless
ATC: cleared the "pearly gates" hold on the 360 radial, standard hold, really busy at moment, can expect 36C"
Mesaba:roger.....
ATC: Mesaba I can squeeze you in, turn XXX
ATC: unknown,Cleared to hold at the "pearly gates"...
unknown: (in a thick middle eastern accent) I do not want to die today, I dont want to visit pearly gates
ATC: OK- try visiting ELVIS and hold
unknown: WHats the difference?
- Elvis is published but for some odd reason ATC for calling it Pearly gates- I was cracking up soo hard!
At Olive Branch airport- Unicom with alot of training (cessnas and the such) and also business traffic
Citation XX: OLV traffic, citation XX, 8 mile final 36
Me: OLV traffic, Cessna 72813 turning left base 36
Citation: 72813- I see you and issue you a go around
My instructor: Citation you are not ATC and not God so get in the pattern and chill
Citation: fine
Kingair: OLV traffic kingair following citation onto downwind and slowing due to his apparent lack of balls
Me: OLV traffic, citation lacks balls
Random people: Thats hilarious
Citation: (this time a women- i guess the FO) Dont be so harsh hes gunna cry
Kingair: I knew it was ballless
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This morning:
Emrats xxx: "Dubai tower, your transmission is weak,"
Tower: "station calling say again"
Emrats xxx: Your transmission is weak, your modulation is low, there is a lot of some background noise, maybe you have a bad mike,"
Tower: "ah, the background noise is a hoover, we have the cleaning lady up here at work."
Emrats xxx: "Dubai tower, your transmission is weak,"
Tower: "station calling say again"
Emrats xxx: Your transmission is weak, your modulation is low, there is a lot of some background noise, maybe you have a bad mike,"
Tower: "ah, the background noise is a hoover, we have the cleaning lady up here at work."
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Heard at a busy Florida airfield...
TWR: "N12345, report your position"
A/c: "Ah, we're right over the US1" (main road on the east coast)
TWR: "Sir, the US1 runs from Key West to Maine. Could you be a little more specific please?"
And in Arizona...
RADAR: "N12345, VFR traffic on your 12 o'clcok, range two miles"
A/c: "No, the traffic is actually a flock of Canada Geese!"
RADAR: "Well, the geese are squawking 7000"
TWR: "N12345, report your position"
A/c: "Ah, we're right over the US1" (main road on the east coast)
TWR: "Sir, the US1 runs from Key West to Maine. Could you be a little more specific please?"
And in Arizona...
RADAR: "N12345, VFR traffic on your 12 o'clcok, range two miles"
A/c: "No, the traffic is actually a flock of Canada Geese!"
RADAR: "Well, the geese are squawking 7000"
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In Australia with 3 digit callsigns at Jandakot airport.
Meant to say Romeo Whiskey Yankee. But said...
"Jandakot tower Romeo Yiskee Wankee, uhh I mean Romeo Wankee Yiskee"
"Jandakot tower IBP downwind touch and go between the legs"
Apparently her instructor had been lecturing her about keeping the centreline betwwen her legs for guidance on final approach!!
Meant to say Romeo Whiskey Yankee. But said...
"Jandakot tower Romeo Yiskee Wankee, uhh I mean Romeo Wankee Yiskee"
"Jandakot tower IBP downwind touch and go between the legs"
Apparently her instructor had been lecturing her about keeping the centreline betwwen her legs for guidance on final approach!!
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Visited EGLF recently, South Apron is enclosed by a fence with two taxyway gates, North and West. A US Bizjet was getting annoyed at delays, eventually given clearance to taxy:
Twr - "November blah blah, taxy through the North Gate to Golf 1 for Rwy 24."
Bizjet (snottily) - "And WHICH one is the North Gate?"
Twr - "Well, if you're facing south, it'll be the one behind you."
Well it made us chuckle.
Twr - "November blah blah, taxy through the North Gate to Golf 1 for Rwy 24."
Bizjet (snottily) - "And WHICH one is the North Gate?"
Twr - "Well, if you're facing south, it'll be the one behind you."
Well it made us chuckle.