ATC Humour (Merged)
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1
Likes: 0
From: Vancouver
Years ago at CYVR.
Single runway ops due to wind, extremely busy period, airport controller working his butt off to fit small light VFR aircraft into the IFR arrival stream.
Controller to C172 GXXX who has been holding on close base,
"GXXX turn left direct runway 26, give me your best possible speed, touchdown at about the 2000' mark and exit left at the high speed taxiway without delay, 747 traffic 2 and a half in trail"
GXXX looking nervously at the 747 responds "Tower - are you sure this is going to work?"
Controller responds " I hope so, I'm betting your life on it!"
True story - and yes it did work!
Single runway ops due to wind, extremely busy period, airport controller working his butt off to fit small light VFR aircraft into the IFR arrival stream.
Controller to C172 GXXX who has been holding on close base,
"GXXX turn left direct runway 26, give me your best possible speed, touchdown at about the 2000' mark and exit left at the high speed taxiway without delay, 747 traffic 2 and a half in trail"
GXXX looking nervously at the 747 responds "Tower - are you sure this is going to work?"
Controller responds " I hope so, I'm betting your life on it!"
True story - and yes it did work!
Bottums Up
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 3,440
Likes: 3
From: dunnunda
Darwin SMC, early morning ......
Victor 123 Ground there's a dog running around the GA apron, could you send a safety instepctor to have a look.
Darwin Ground He'll do more than have a look!
Unknown aircraft Quick call the caterers
unknown source ..... sound of giggling.
Victor 123 Ground there's a dog running around the GA apron, could you send a safety instepctor to have a look.
Darwin Ground He'll do more than have a look!
Unknown aircraft Quick call the caterers
unknown source ..... sound of giggling.
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 156
Likes: 0
From: N/A
Heard this on Heathrow North about a week ago:
BA plane (can't remember the type - A320 I think) coming in off LAM shortly after mid-day.
Controller: Speedbird 123 descent to altitude 6000 feet, QNH 1015 mellablars.
Pilot: Descend to 6000 feet, QNH 1015 and I'm not going to try it myself today...
Controller: I once had a Russian pilot read it back as megabars - they're much bigger over there apparently.
Pilot: So the Russian women say at least!
BA plane (can't remember the type - A320 I think) coming in off LAM shortly after mid-day.
Controller: Speedbird 123 descent to altitude 6000 feet, QNH 1015 mellablars.
Pilot: Descend to 6000 feet, QNH 1015 and I'm not going to try it myself today...
Controller: I once had a Russian pilot read it back as megabars - they're much bigger over there apparently.
Pilot: So the Russian women say at least!
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 5
Likes: 0
From: The Beautiful Country
I did a spell as a blippy before becoming an ATCO, and here's one of my favourites from the sim....
My sim partner on ADC emergency runs with me this day was a locally recruited chap with zero experience of aviation.
Run #1 passed off ok, subject aircraft was a B737-200 with a single engine failure. The student requested POB, and my partner hissed at me "What shall I say???" "100," I hissed back. The run finished.
Run #2, same scenario, subject a/c this time was a JS31. Student requested POB, my sim partner confidently and loudly reported "100!"
Amidst the hysterical laughter, a strangled cry of "Clocks off!" emanated from the instructor.
The poor guy had no idea.....
My sim partner on ADC emergency runs with me this day was a locally recruited chap with zero experience of aviation.
Run #1 passed off ok, subject aircraft was a B737-200 with a single engine failure. The student requested POB, and my partner hissed at me "What shall I say???" "100," I hissed back. The run finished.
Run #2, same scenario, subject a/c this time was a JS31. Student requested POB, my sim partner confidently and loudly reported "100!"
Amidst the hysterical laughter, a strangled cry of "Clocks off!" emanated from the instructor.
The poor guy had no idea.....
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 230
Likes: 0
From: Murica.
A small GA airport in FL, USA has a great ex-AF controller...always good fun when he is on freq...
Stundent pilot in the pattern on a quiet sunday...
Student: Cessna ***, would like to leave the pattern on downwind, and return to Orlando
ATC: Thats a negative, you are required to do atleast two more touch'n goes...
Long delay...
Student: Cessna ***, ehm..ok...two more then...
ATC: Nah..just kidding, contact orlando on ....., have a nice one...
Also had a personal run in with him...
I normally fly helicopters, but found myself driving a Piper Warrior for fun...holding short of the runway..
Me: Helicopter N****, holding short of 9 for a southwest departure...
ATC: When you figure out what you are flying, I'll let you take off...
fun at the time
Stundent pilot in the pattern on a quiet sunday...
Student: Cessna ***, would like to leave the pattern on downwind, and return to Orlando
ATC: Thats a negative, you are required to do atleast two more touch'n goes...
Long delay...
Student: Cessna ***, ehm..ok...two more then...
ATC: Nah..just kidding, contact orlando on ....., have a nice one...
Also had a personal run in with him...
I normally fly helicopters, but found myself driving a Piper Warrior for fun...holding short of the runway..
Me: Helicopter N****, holding short of 9 for a southwest departure...
ATC: When you figure out what you are flying, I'll let you take off...
fun at the time
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 614
Likes: 0
From: UK
Before yesterday's humbling in the footie....
At my local English aerodrome...
Ground:- "Air France 123, contact Tower 1pq.yz, and good luck in the match tonight!"
Un-named Englishman in another aircraft:- "Are you SERIOUS?"
Ground:- "I'm from Ireland!"
Conspiracy theorists alert....
At my local English aerodrome...
Ground:- "Air France 123, contact Tower 1pq.yz, and good luck in the match tonight!"
Un-named Englishman in another aircraft:- "Are you SERIOUS?"
Ground:- "I'm from Ireland!"
Conspiracy theorists alert....
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 141
Likes: 0
From: Muscat
On JNB Radar and as usual everyone is being undisciplined and not listening out.
Radar ATC on freq: LNK126 contact area 126.7
No response
ATC on freq again: LNK126 contact area 126.7
still no response
Atc to his exec: Does it sound like I'm speaking portugese or something?
ATC then on Freq: LNK UNO DOS SES RADAR
We got a response- AAAHH go ahead
Radar ATC on freq: LNK126 contact area 126.7
No response
ATC on freq again: LNK126 contact area 126.7
still no response
Atc to his exec: Does it sound like I'm speaking portugese or something?
ATC then on Freq: LNK UNO DOS SES RADAR
We got a response- AAAHH go ahead
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 3
Likes: 0
From: UK
I was told that the below was thought a little unprofessional, but it amused me when it happened recently.
Anonymised to protect the innocent:
Anytown Radar this is <XYZ>
<XYZ> Anytown Radar. Hello again. I have good news and I have bad news.
I'll take the bad news first.
I'm afraid the RVR for the ILS has fallen to x00m, which is below absolute minima for the approach.
Oh, great! Now give me the good news.
You are cleared from your present position direct to the beacon!
Anonymised to protect the innocent:
Anytown Radar this is <XYZ>
<XYZ> Anytown Radar. Hello again. I have good news and I have bad news.
I'll take the bad news first.
I'm afraid the RVR for the ILS has fallen to x00m, which is below absolute minima for the approach.
Oh, great! Now give me the good news.
You are cleared from your present position direct to the beacon!
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 98
Likes: 0
From: New Zealand
More on the subject of POB
A certain training airfield in this part of the world encouraged pilots to use the term "DUAL" to inform the tower that an instructor was onboard. (armed with this knowledge, we could issue some of the more difficult instructions from our repertoire with a small amount of confidence that they might be taken up).
"ARDMORE TOWER, ECHO LIMA UNIFORM TAXIING FOR 40 MINUTE CITY SCENIC VIA THE VICTORS WITH ECHO 1013, WE HAVE THREE POB AND AN INSTRUCTOR
(I always did wonder if they counted as real people).
On another occasion, I had to bite my tongue. A student who must have used 03/21 all his life returned from the training area and the runway-in-use was 07. As the aircraft slowed up it started to weave from left to right and then came to a halt on the runway.....
"TOWER, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE TO GET OFF"
A certain training airfield in this part of the world encouraged pilots to use the term "DUAL" to inform the tower that an instructor was onboard. (armed with this knowledge, we could issue some of the more difficult instructions from our repertoire with a small amount of confidence that they might be taken up).
"ARDMORE TOWER, ECHO LIMA UNIFORM TAXIING FOR 40 MINUTE CITY SCENIC VIA THE VICTORS WITH ECHO 1013, WE HAVE THREE POB AND AN INSTRUCTOR
(I always did wonder if they counted as real people).
On another occasion, I had to bite my tongue. A student who must have used 03/21 all his life returned from the training area and the runway-in-use was 07. As the aircraft slowed up it started to weave from left to right and then came to a halt on the runway.....
"TOWER, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE TO GET OFF"
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 25
Likes: 0
From: Denmark
Heard this from a collegue:
Evening departures from Copenhagen (EKCH)
747 Cargo on the roll on RWY 22R, two regional ATR 42 or 72, from the same company, just short of RWY 22L waiting for departure.
TWR: CIM xxx There will be a slight delay. A big one just departed RWY 22R
CIM xxx: Roger, and by the way i'm a big one too.....
After two minuttes the first CIM is on his way, and just as he rotates the other CIM, now waiting for departure, comes up with:
CIM yyy: If thats is what he considers big, his wife must be really disapointed.
The TWR was unable to get the second CIM airborne in quite some time due to heavy laughing in the background......
Evening departures from Copenhagen (EKCH)
747 Cargo on the roll on RWY 22R, two regional ATR 42 or 72, from the same company, just short of RWY 22L waiting for departure.
TWR: CIM xxx There will be a slight delay. A big one just departed RWY 22R
CIM xxx: Roger, and by the way i'm a big one too.....
After two minuttes the first CIM is on his way, and just as he rotates the other CIM, now waiting for departure, comes up with:
CIM yyy: If thats is what he considers big, his wife must be really disapointed.
The TWR was unable to get the second CIM airborne in quite some time due to heavy laughing in the background......
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 301
Likes: 16
From: Australia.
A couple from an Aussie chopper driver:
Beetling over Melbourne airport in a R22 with a student and the tower advises a 747 on final that there's a robbo overhead at 2000'. 747 replies "Brave boys!". It did make me wonder!
At Moorabbin in a R22 and I request clearance adding that "we'd like to muck around on the eastern grass for some hover training". Tower comes back "Cleared to muck..."
Doing a photo job of a well known Melbourne football ground (that is now closed) during a game and I advise Melbourne Radar that we are doing airwork at the ground. Melbourne Radar replies "What's the score?"
A few years ago when Essendon (the bombers) won the AFL grand final, Moorabbin ATIS the next day was "Moorabbin Information Bombers".
And from Luanda, Angola:
We report ready at the holding point and Tower clears us to line up on runway 25 with a Beech 1900 on short final! After we sort that one out and the 1900 lands he tells us to line up and wait on 25. The next words from him about 30 seconds later while we wait for take off clearance, are "XXX (a huge 4 prop russian cargo plane) runway 25 cleared to land". The Russian pilot repeatedly tells him he cannot land on 25 (because of us). We rip it into the hover and clear the runway to see this Antonov whiz past us giving it the gas and going round for runway 23 instead. Cool as a cucumber the Tower clears us for takeoff.....and gave us nothing but silence when we gave him the "please explain"!
If it wasn't so dangerous it'd be funny anyway.....
Beetling over Melbourne airport in a R22 with a student and the tower advises a 747 on final that there's a robbo overhead at 2000'. 747 replies "Brave boys!". It did make me wonder!
At Moorabbin in a R22 and I request clearance adding that "we'd like to muck around on the eastern grass for some hover training". Tower comes back "Cleared to muck..."
Doing a photo job of a well known Melbourne football ground (that is now closed) during a game and I advise Melbourne Radar that we are doing airwork at the ground. Melbourne Radar replies "What's the score?"
A few years ago when Essendon (the bombers) won the AFL grand final, Moorabbin ATIS the next day was "Moorabbin Information Bombers".
And from Luanda, Angola:
We report ready at the holding point and Tower clears us to line up on runway 25 with a Beech 1900 on short final! After we sort that one out and the 1900 lands he tells us to line up and wait on 25. The next words from him about 30 seconds later while we wait for take off clearance, are "XXX (a huge 4 prop russian cargo plane) runway 25 cleared to land". The Russian pilot repeatedly tells him he cannot land on 25 (because of us). We rip it into the hover and clear the runway to see this Antonov whiz past us giving it the gas and going round for runway 23 instead. Cool as a cucumber the Tower clears us for takeoff.....and gave us nothing but silence when we gave him the "please explain"!
If it wasn't so dangerous it'd be funny anyway.....
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 5
Likes: 0
From: Maastricht
MUAC
Heard today in Maastricht.
Controller:
BAWxxx, your restricting traffic is is a Kestrel (MYT) 5nm off your right wing 1000ft above. Expect higher in 2 minutes.
Pilot:
Wow, wasn't aware kestrels flew at FL330, we're keeping a good look out.
It had us laughing even if it's not so funny to read!
Controller:
BAWxxx, your restricting traffic is is a Kestrel (MYT) 5nm off your right wing 1000ft above. Expect higher in 2 minutes.
Pilot:
Wow, wasn't aware kestrels flew at FL330, we're keeping a good look out.
It had us laughing even if it's not so funny to read!
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 159
Likes: 0
From: UK
Heard at Lyneham Saturdat 3rd
Lyneham: G-xxss Lyneham
Pilot: No answer.
Lyneham: G-xxss Lyneham
Pilot: Er Say again
Lyneham: G-xxss is your call sign G-xxmt?
Pilot: Er Say again,
LYNEHAM: IF YOUR CALL SIGN IS G-XXSS, WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING CALLS FOR G-XXMT??!!!!
Pilot: Er say again?
Lyneham: G-xxss, disregard, change to London Information on 126.75, Gooday!!.
Pilot: No answer.
Lyneham: G-xxss Lyneham
Pilot: Er Say again
Lyneham: G-xxss is your call sign G-xxmt?
Pilot: Er Say again,
LYNEHAM: IF YOUR CALL SIGN IS G-XXSS, WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING CALLS FOR G-XXMT??!!!!
Pilot: Er say again?
Lyneham: G-xxss, disregard, change to London Information on 126.75, Gooday!!.
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 76
Likes: 0
From: Garsfontein, Pretoria
Heard this on the radio at FAWB not long ago.
'ZS-XXX, request taxi instructions for Tzaneen'
the reply:
'Cleared to taxi out the front gate, at the traffic circle turn left to the robot and left again for the N1 north to Tzaneen'
Had me in stitches!
'ZS-XXX, request taxi instructions for Tzaneen'
the reply:
'Cleared to taxi out the front gate, at the traffic circle turn left to the robot and left again for the N1 north to Tzaneen'
Had me in stitches!