Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent from work without having phoned in sick for the day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice
"May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
“Is your mummy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
“Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman“.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy“, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
“What is that noise?”
“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
“The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
“What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.”
“Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice
"May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
“Is your mummy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
“Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman“.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy“, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
“What is that noise?”
“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
“The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
“What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.”
Last edited by NLJ; 23rd Jun 2007 at 21:29.
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame.
Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's.
Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar.
Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame.
Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's.
Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar.
Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
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Teacher says to her class of small children, “Tomorrow class we will be discussing Morals. I would like you to go home and ask your parents for a story containing a moral so you can share it with the class in the morning.”
The following day all the kids are excited about the story telling and the teacher asks who would like to be first. All the kids put their hands up and the teacher points to the most intelligent child and says, “OK Julia, you first…” Julia says, “Miss, my daddy’s an egg producer, one day he was taking his eggs to market when he hit a pot hole and some of the eggs broke. He told me that I should never put all my eggs into one basket.” The teacher is impressed, “Well done Julia, have a star. The little girl is very happy and sits down with a big smile on her face. “Who’s next?” Asks the teacher
All the kids put their hands up again, teacher point to a another little girl – “OK Amy..” (Amy has a slight lisp…)Amy says, “ Miss my daddy is also a chicken farmer and one day he saw that there were 6 eggs in a nest, but only five hatched..” (Disappointed, and sad noises from the rest of the class….) “anyway, daddy said that I should never count my chickens before they are hatched!” (Noises of amazement from the rest of the class)
“Very good Amy” says the teacher warmly, have a star.” Anyway, this goes on for a while as the teacher goes through the children in the class with the ones not getting picked becoming more and more desperate to share their stories… The final child picked (who by this time is so desperate to tell his story that he’s jumping up and down from his seat screaming “Miss! Me Miss!!”) The teacher looks at this child – who is the class dunce- and with a resigned sigh says, “OK Tommy, your turn”
Tommy stands up, (imagine if you will a small dirty child with shirt hanging out of his shorts, snotty nose, and un-brushed hair) with a big grin on his face and says, “Well Miss, my aunty Margaret was in the war and she flew on bombers! One day she got shot down and before she parachuted out of the aircraft she grabbed a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a knife. As she floated down she was worried she might smash her bottle so she drunk all the whisky. When she landed she was surrounded by hundreds of enemy soldiers….” (cries of horror from the class) Tommy, without missing a beat carries on with his harrowing tale. “So aunty Margaret shoots most of them with her guns, kills a lot with her knife, and finishes off the rest with her bare hands!” The class has gone quite, some younger children are in tears, the teacher – shocked by the ferocity of the tale - asks Tommy, “What is the moral of that one then Tommy?” The little boy pipes up, “Dad says that you should never f**k with aunty Margaret when she’s had a drink!”
The following day all the kids are excited about the story telling and the teacher asks who would like to be first. All the kids put their hands up and the teacher points to the most intelligent child and says, “OK Julia, you first…” Julia says, “Miss, my daddy’s an egg producer, one day he was taking his eggs to market when he hit a pot hole and some of the eggs broke. He told me that I should never put all my eggs into one basket.” The teacher is impressed, “Well done Julia, have a star. The little girl is very happy and sits down with a big smile on her face. “Who’s next?” Asks the teacher
All the kids put their hands up again, teacher point to a another little girl – “OK Amy..” (Amy has a slight lisp…)Amy says, “ Miss my daddy is also a chicken farmer and one day he saw that there were 6 eggs in a nest, but only five hatched..” (Disappointed, and sad noises from the rest of the class….) “anyway, daddy said that I should never count my chickens before they are hatched!” (Noises of amazement from the rest of the class)
“Very good Amy” says the teacher warmly, have a star.” Anyway, this goes on for a while as the teacher goes through the children in the class with the ones not getting picked becoming more and more desperate to share their stories… The final child picked (who by this time is so desperate to tell his story that he’s jumping up and down from his seat screaming “Miss! Me Miss!!”) The teacher looks at this child – who is the class dunce- and with a resigned sigh says, “OK Tommy, your turn”
Tommy stands up, (imagine if you will a small dirty child with shirt hanging out of his shorts, snotty nose, and un-brushed hair) with a big grin on his face and says, “Well Miss, my aunty Margaret was in the war and she flew on bombers! One day she got shot down and before she parachuted out of the aircraft she grabbed a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a knife. As she floated down she was worried she might smash her bottle so she drunk all the whisky. When she landed she was surrounded by hundreds of enemy soldiers….” (cries of horror from the class) Tommy, without missing a beat carries on with his harrowing tale. “So aunty Margaret shoots most of them with her guns, kills a lot with her knife, and finishes off the rest with her bare hands!” The class has gone quite, some younger children are in tears, the teacher – shocked by the ferocity of the tale - asks Tommy, “What is the moral of that one then Tommy?” The little boy pipes up, “Dad says that you should never f**k with aunty Margaret when she’s had a drink!”
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Comparative analysis, another boring subject.
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.
At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.
At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Don't look down.
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thekite
Can match the story about the lights. Flying a JetRanger North up the Sydney coast in a foggish sky, could not identify a red light high over my head until it suddenly went green and the cars started to move again....
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Now one of you americans had better own up to this. What about you Sasless, you got any grandkids? Mine don't talk yet and we prefer rum down here!
All Grandpas Should Heed This Warning:
Whatever you do, do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Shopping Mall.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed
policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jim Beam and
ladies with big tits".
All Grandpas Should Heed This Warning:
Whatever you do, do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Shopping Mall.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed
policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jim Beam and
ladies with big tits".
A commuter airliner is approaching a small airport in lousy weather. As they commence the approach the captains warns the passengers that it will be bumpy and inadvertantly leaves the PA on. The passengers then hear all the Fs & Bs as the crew manage to land it.
As they turn off the runway the captain says to the copilot.. "What I need is a hot women and a cold beer."
The stewardess gets up and goes forward to tell the crew that the PA is still on.
A voice from the back. "Hey miss, you forgot the beer."
As they turn off the runway the captain says to the copilot.. "What I need is a hot women and a cold beer."
The stewardess gets up and goes forward to tell the crew that the PA is still on.
A voice from the back. "Hey miss, you forgot the beer."
Last edited by Fareastdriver; 23rd Jul 2007 at 22:27.
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Originally Posted by Genghis the Engineer
This one I was there for (well, nearly, about a week later when they were still all talking about it).
Circa 1991, at a helicopter manufacturer's airfield somewhere in SW England - a won't name them to preserve anonymity.
Exercise of the day was IGE hover. The way this was done was by mounting an instrumentation boom on the fire section's landrover, and driving it across the airfield. That established the speed / conditions, and the helo (a Merlin) hovered stationary on the vehicle.
So, picture the scene. The helicopter was hovering backwards IGE, which means that it was leading the landrover. In the ground vehicle you had two FTEs, one watching the instrumentation, one watching the helicopter.
When the helicopter got to the edge of the airfield, it continued over the hedge and to the other side of the road. The landrover, also continued, through the hedge, over the road, through the hedge the other side and came to rest in the ditch.
Since it was the airfield's primary emergency vehicle, not to mention a certain grumpiness over bending their brand new landrover, the fire section were, I believe, rather slow and unhelpful about recovering it.
G
Circa 1991, at a helicopter manufacturer's airfield somewhere in SW England - a won't name them to preserve anonymity.
Exercise of the day was IGE hover. The way this was done was by mounting an instrumentation boom on the fire section's landrover, and driving it across the airfield. That established the speed / conditions, and the helo (a Merlin) hovered stationary on the vehicle.
So, picture the scene. The helicopter was hovering backwards IGE, which means that it was leading the landrover. In the ground vehicle you had two FTEs, one watching the instrumentation, one watching the helicopter.
When the helicopter got to the edge of the airfield, it continued over the hedge and to the other side of the road. The landrover, also continued, through the hedge, over the road, through the hedge the other side and came to rest in the ditch.
Since it was the airfield's primary emergency vehicle, not to mention a certain grumpiness over bending their brand new landrover, the fire section were, I believe, rather slow and unhelpful about recovering it.
G
Driving next to the grass runway, at up 60mph, then having to slam on the brakes at the end to avoid repeating the previous incident was common. Hitting the big ditch in the middle at speed was also interesting.
Travel between the airfield and a certain naval satellite airfield was common, as was getting cut up by drivers on roundabouts. They moved pretty sharpish when the driver roars up behind them and the passenger flicks the switchs for the lights and siren
(of course I would never dream of doing such a thing as an unauthorised person)The Flight Test Dept got it's own vehicle in the late '90s, much to the relief of the fire dept.
---------------------------
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I 'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot over heard the couple and said, "folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "well I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
-------------------------------------
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
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A man was about to have sex with a really fat women,
he climbs on top then asked if he can turn the light out?
She says you feeling shy?
Nah he replies, it's burning my arse!!
he climbs on top then asked if he can turn the light out?
She says you feeling shy?
Nah he replies, it's burning my arse!!
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Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin .... What I want to know is, kin I sue Beer componeys fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin .... What I want to know is, kin I sue Beer componeys fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
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Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a Kiwi dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer
John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over
to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 4 by 2 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
“That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains
very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer
John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over
to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 4 by 2 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
“That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains
very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."
A medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students on day about "Involuntary Muscle Contractions".
To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, "for example, do you know what your asrehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
The girl replies,
"Probably having a drink with his mates"
To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, "for example, do you know what your asrehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
The girl replies,
"Probably having a drink with his mates"
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stuff to make you chuckle! answer these simple questions before checking the answers at the bottom.
1. how long did the 100 year war last?
2. what animal was the canary islands named after?
3. where does cat gut come from?
4. what colour is the purple finch?
pretty easy eh! now check the answers
1.116 2.dog 3. horse and sheep 4. crimson
1. how long did the 100 year war last?
2. what animal was the canary islands named after?
3. where does cat gut come from?
4. what colour is the purple finch?
pretty easy eh! now check the answers
1.116 2.dog 3. horse and sheep 4. crimson