Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
Tipweight,
Hilarious
A slightly Australian flavour to this one:
Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza.
He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!
Hilarious
A slightly Australian flavour to this one:
Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza.
He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!
Reminds me of the story where a bloke phones the police to say that his next door neighbour has strangled his wife and buried her body in the garden.
"Get you're garden dug, Fred?"
"Get you're garden dug, Fred?"
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Old Helicopter Pilot
An old helicopter pilot was sitting on a bench one day. A teenager sat beside him. He had spiked hair that was orange, red, yellow, green, blue and violet.
The old pilot stared. Whenever the teenager looked the old heli driver was staring.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, Grandpa? Never done anything exciting in you life?"
Without missing a beat, the old boy said: "Got drunk once and f****d a peacock - just wondering if you were my son!"
An old helicopter pilot was sitting on a bench one day. A teenager sat beside him. He had spiked hair that was orange, red, yellow, green, blue and violet.
The old pilot stared. Whenever the teenager looked the old heli driver was staring.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, Grandpa? Never done anything exciting in you life?"
Without missing a beat, the old boy said: "Got drunk once and f****d a peacock - just wondering if you were my son!"
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Speakers on, then Click here
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Availability
It's 2am and a guy hears some noise outside his house. He looks out and sees some people breaking into his garage. He phones the police and says, "There's three men breaking into my garage right now. I can see them going through my stuff and getting it to the door. If you send some officers over straight away, you'll catch them red-handed!"
Cop replies. "We'll see what we can do, sir, we're a little short-handed tonight so we don't have anybody available right away!"
Guy waits a couple of minutes, getting angrier by the moment then he calls again.
"You remember those three men that were breaking into my garage? Don't worry about them, I just shot them!"
Within minutes, the street outside his house is filled with half a dozen police cars with and officers supported by a SWAT team storm the garage and arrest three criminals just as they were getting ready to load their haul into a getaway car.
The three men are obviously very much alive so a police officer knocks on the door and greets the householder who made the call.
"I thought you said you shot them?" he says.
"I thought you said you had nobody available!" replies the householder.
Cop replies. "We'll see what we can do, sir, we're a little short-handed tonight so we don't have anybody available right away!"
Guy waits a couple of minutes, getting angrier by the moment then he calls again.
"You remember those three men that were breaking into my garage? Don't worry about them, I just shot them!"
Within minutes, the street outside his house is filled with half a dozen police cars with and officers supported by a SWAT team storm the garage and arrest three criminals just as they were getting ready to load their haul into a getaway car.
The three men are obviously very much alive so a police officer knocks on the door and greets the householder who made the call.
"I thought you said you shot them?" he says.
"I thought you said you had nobody available!" replies the householder.
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All OZ expats and plenty others are aware of one idiot ex oz PM's that got sprung, lost his trousers?
Recently another pretender for the position (soon to be polled, so watch this space) was sprung in a strip joint. He's the subject of a joke that lobbed here tonite.
follows:-
Subject FW: Fw: Kevin Rudd???
Kevin works hard at Parliament and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Kevin! How ya
doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Kevin. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Kevin if he'd like his usual
and brings over a VB.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did
she know that you drink Vic?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Kevin, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Ruddo. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?"
Kev's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Kev follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her.
Kevin tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Kev, you picked up a real
bitch this time".
Recently another pretender for the position (soon to be polled, so watch this space) was sprung in a strip joint. He's the subject of a joke that lobbed here tonite.
follows:-
Subject FW: Fw: Kevin Rudd???
Kevin works hard at Parliament and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Kevin! How ya
doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Kevin. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Kevin if he'd like his usual
and brings over a VB.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did
she know that you drink Vic?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Kevin, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Ruddo. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?"
Kev's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Kev follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her.
Kevin tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Kev, you picked up a real
bitch this time".
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were
eager to
know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the
clue.
"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes"
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The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... its a f#@king
asshole!!!!!!!!
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were
eager to
know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the
clue.
"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes"
=
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The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... its a f#@king
asshole!!!!!!!!
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Bout time we had another joke, this thing lobbed up here today. Reminded me of another thread where people were recently hinting at taking “calculated risks”, or worse still maybe venturing toward “fatalism.”
Strikes me as just the silly sort of thing a rotary driver would do!
woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says toher husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".The husband replies, "Your eyesight's farKing perfect".He never heard the shot.............
Strikes me as just the silly sort of thing a rotary driver would do!
woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says toher husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".The husband replies, "Your eyesight's farKing perfect".He never heard the shot.............
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Okay .... a test to see if your brain is still working after the Christmas break.
Which one do you think is the blonde? This is a serious test by the way!
Answer below --
The blonde is the only one with her right leg up!
Which one do you think is the blonde? This is a serious test by the way!
Answer below --
The blonde is the only one with her right leg up!
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The haircut
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
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An old sailor
An old sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's going at it as best he can for a fella his age.
The old sailor asks "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies "Well sailor you're doing about 3 knots."
"3 knots?" he replies, "Whats that?"
She says....
"Your knot hard, your knot in, and your knot getting your money back!"
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's going at it as best he can for a fella his age.
The old sailor asks "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies "Well sailor you're doing about 3 knots."
"3 knots?" he replies, "Whats that?"
She says....
"Your knot hard, your knot in, and your knot getting your money back!"
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It really works!
Two cowboys talking about sex. One cowboy says "I like the rodeo position best," " I haven't heard of that one" says the other, "what is it?". "well, you get your girlfriend down on all fours & mount her from behind, then reach around & cup each of her breasts & whisper.....' These just feel like your sisters'.
Then try to hold on for 8 seconds!
Then try to hold on for 8 seconds!
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A small zoo near Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla . Within a few weeks the gorilla , a female , became very difficult to handle .
Upon examination the veterinarian determined the problem . The gorilla was in season . To make matters worse there was no male gorilla available .
Thinking about the possible solutions to their problem , the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay , a local lad and part time worker responsible for cleaning out the animal cages .
Bobby , like many Glasgow folk , had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species . The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution . Bobby was approached with a proposition . Would he be willing to mate with the Gorilla for 500 pounds ? Bobby showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully .
The following day Bobby said he would accept the Zoo Keeper’s offer but only under four conditions
1 “First “ , Bobby said “ Ah’m no gonnae kiss her on the lips” . The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition .
2 “ Second” , he said “ Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this” . The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition .
3 . “Third” , Bobby said , “ I want all the weans raised as Celtic fans” . Once again it was agreed .
4 “ Forth “ , Bobby said “ it’ll take me a wee while to raise the five hunred punds” .
Upon examination the veterinarian determined the problem . The gorilla was in season . To make matters worse there was no male gorilla available .
Thinking about the possible solutions to their problem , the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay , a local lad and part time worker responsible for cleaning out the animal cages .
Bobby , like many Glasgow folk , had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species . The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution . Bobby was approached with a proposition . Would he be willing to mate with the Gorilla for 500 pounds ? Bobby showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully .
The following day Bobby said he would accept the Zoo Keeper’s offer but only under four conditions
1 “First “ , Bobby said “ Ah’m no gonnae kiss her on the lips” . The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition .
2 “ Second” , he said “ Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this” . The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition .
3 . “Third” , Bobby said , “ I want all the weans raised as Celtic fans” . Once again it was agreed .
4 “ Forth “ , Bobby said “ it’ll take me a wee while to raise the five hunred punds” .
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My darling wife...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....
and thats when my lights suddenly went out....
expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....
and thats when my lights suddenly went out....
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If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced one-ty one? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
HT
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced one-ty one? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
HT
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Why is a draw bridge open when it is closed....and closed when it is open?
Why is a draw bridge open when it is closed....and closed when it is open?