Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
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Army pilot and chief engineer are flying over the desert. The engine quits and pilot carries out a perfect landing.
Moments later they are surrounded by angry Arab horsemen and are arrested for landing in a forbidden area sacred to the Arabs.
At the Arab camp they are duly sentenced to death by guilotine but are offered a last request by the Arab Chief.
The pilot requests to be the first to die and also that he face skywards so that the blue sky he has viewed while flying is the last thing he will see. This is granted and the aviator is placed at the guilotine facing skywards. The Chief gives the nod to the executioned and the guilotine blade falls. To the surprise of all the blade jams. The Chief sees this as a sign from Allah and the death penalty is withdrawn. The chief engineer is asked his last request and states that he too wishes to face skywards for the very same reasons as his pilot. He is placed at the guilotine and awaits his fate.
Just before the Arab Chief give the nod to the executioner the hapless engineer shouts ' Stop! Stop! I can see the fault why the blade jams.
Moments later they are surrounded by angry Arab horsemen and are arrested for landing in a forbidden area sacred to the Arabs.
At the Arab camp they are duly sentenced to death by guilotine but are offered a last request by the Arab Chief.
The pilot requests to be the first to die and also that he face skywards so that the blue sky he has viewed while flying is the last thing he will see. This is granted and the aviator is placed at the guilotine facing skywards. The Chief gives the nod to the executioned and the guilotine blade falls. To the surprise of all the blade jams. The Chief sees this as a sign from Allah and the death penalty is withdrawn. The chief engineer is asked his last request and states that he too wishes to face skywards for the very same reasons as his pilot. He is placed at the guilotine and awaits his fate.
Just before the Arab Chief give the nod to the executioner the hapless engineer shouts ' Stop! Stop! I can see the fault why the blade jams.
Seven year old boy to his Mum...wife of a helicopter pilot..."Mum, when I grow up, I want to be a helicopter pilot like Dad!" Mum's reply...."Sorry, Son, buy you can not do both!"
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Slightly tenuous.....
Two cows in a field discussing the latet case of Mad Cow disease.
Cow1: Aren't you getting a little worried about this mad Cow disease?
Cow2: No of course not, it doesn't effect me, I'm a helicopter.
Two cows in a field discussing the latet case of Mad Cow disease.
Cow1: Aren't you getting a little worried about this mad Cow disease?
Cow2: No of course not, it doesn't effect me, I'm a helicopter.
After six months in the bush in Alaska, a helicopter pilot made it back to Anchorage for some time off. Being a fellow with refined tastes....he went to Chilkoot Charlies saloon to have a few really dry Martinis. Upon interview, the bar man professed to being able to make the best and dryest martini in all of the Artic North. The pilot being satisfied to the bar man's abilities ordered up just such a drink.
The drink arrived....as ordered...and as the pilot went to pick up the drink....the piano players monkey ran down the bar...slid to a stop ...backed up to the martini glass and quickly dunked his testicles into the martini...then ran back to the piano. The pilot not wanting any trouble and only wanting a dry martini....pushed the contaminated drink aside and ordered a fresh drink.
The second drink arrived....and as before...the monkey ran down the bar and squatted a second time....and again the pilot pushed the drink aside and ordered a third.
The third arrived...the monkey got by the pilot's hands....and squatted in the martini for the third time. The pilot now, in a rage, stormed over to the Piano player and very loudly asked him...."Do you know your monkey just dunked his testicles in my martini?"
The Piano player responded while continuing to play...."...no, but if you hum a few bars, I am sure I can pick it up!"
The drink arrived....as ordered...and as the pilot went to pick up the drink....the piano players monkey ran down the bar...slid to a stop ...backed up to the martini glass and quickly dunked his testicles into the martini...then ran back to the piano. The pilot not wanting any trouble and only wanting a dry martini....pushed the contaminated drink aside and ordered a fresh drink.
The second drink arrived....and as before...the monkey ran down the bar and squatted a second time....and again the pilot pushed the drink aside and ordered a third.
The third arrived...the monkey got by the pilot's hands....and squatted in the martini for the third time. The pilot now, in a rage, stormed over to the Piano player and very loudly asked him...."Do you know your monkey just dunked his testicles in my martini?"
The Piano player responded while continuing to play...."...no, but if you hum a few bars, I am sure I can pick it up!"
Join Date: Aug 2000
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Aviation Humour
Not really helicopters but hell I found it funny,
Big Iron engine and airplane company announced the first flight of the new
Razzle 200 airliner. Chief test pilot Frank Lee Candid emerged from the
cockpit shaken, dripping with sweat. He tried to muster a smile for the
cameras and blurted out, "Damn, I'm happy to be alive."
Regaining his composure, he said the airplane flew "well, and the test was
nearly according to plan." The only deviations from expected flight test
results were a few cases of high speed flutter and one brief but violent
control hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll seen on
short final. Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap roll
showed the inherent strength of the Razzle 200 airframe, holding together
despite the 30% corkscrew twist of the empennage.
Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly," Candid said. The sole
problem was in a landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear
retraction during what was supposed to be a simple high speed taxi run.
When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad
for the opportunity to check out the 200's handling. The approach was
delayed briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a
number of times until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately
with the gear in a generally "down" position.
The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its
parts during the test flight. "That's one rugged engine," Flaque said.
Candid noted the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks
were being made to assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and
not out of a large hole in the tank. Smoke emissions were said to be
well below Pittsburgh Valley standards.
Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a
problem Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness
caused by some "harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the
cockpit. A slight window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of
his shirt pocket was the only other cockpit environment problem.
Candid, apparently thinking about his experiences, was still chuckling
under his breath, slowly and quietly, when asked whether he had
considered using the ejection seat, specially installed for the test
program. he seemed at that moment to remember the ejection handle still
in his rigidly clenched left hand, a few multicolored wires dangling
From the end. Smiling sickly, he held it up for all to see, his hand
trembling from the muscle tension. "Guess I'm lucky this baby didn't
fire," he admitted. "We made the parachute, too."
Big Iron engine and airplane company announced the first flight of the new
Razzle 200 airliner. Chief test pilot Frank Lee Candid emerged from the
cockpit shaken, dripping with sweat. He tried to muster a smile for the
cameras and blurted out, "Damn, I'm happy to be alive."
Regaining his composure, he said the airplane flew "well, and the test was
nearly according to plan." The only deviations from expected flight test
results were a few cases of high speed flutter and one brief but violent
control hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll seen on
short final. Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap roll
showed the inherent strength of the Razzle 200 airframe, holding together
despite the 30% corkscrew twist of the empennage.
Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly," Candid said. The sole
problem was in a landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear
retraction during what was supposed to be a simple high speed taxi run.
When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad
for the opportunity to check out the 200's handling. The approach was
delayed briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a
number of times until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately
with the gear in a generally "down" position.
The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its
parts during the test flight. "That's one rugged engine," Flaque said.
Candid noted the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks
were being made to assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and
not out of a large hole in the tank. Smoke emissions were said to be
well below Pittsburgh Valley standards.
Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a
problem Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness
caused by some "harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the
cockpit. A slight window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of
his shirt pocket was the only other cockpit environment problem.
Candid, apparently thinking about his experiences, was still chuckling
under his breath, slowly and quietly, when asked whether he had
considered using the ejection seat, specially installed for the test
program. he seemed at that moment to remember the ejection handle still
in his rigidly clenched left hand, a few multicolored wires dangling
From the end. Smiling sickly, he held it up for all to see, his hand
trembling from the muscle tension. "Guess I'm lucky this baby didn't
fire," he admitted. "We made the parachute, too."
Join Date: Nov 2000
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LOL! This is not really helicopters, either, but is worth sharing:
A relatively inexperienced RAF Phantom (F4) pilot had a complete electrics failure, as if being over the North Sea at night in winter wasn't stressful enough. For whatever reason, he needed to operate the Ram Air Turbine, but he deployed the flap instead, as the levers were close together.
Of course, doing that at 420 knots made the flaps fall off the back, and the hydraulic fluid followed. Mucking around with the generators got the lights back on, and he headed for RAF Coningsby, with no brakes. Unfortunately, the hook bounced over the top of the arrester wire, so he used full afterburner to go around in a strong crosswind, but headed towards the grass instead. The pilot and navigator both ejected, leaving the machine to accelerate through 200 knots, across the airfield at ground level.
Meanwhile, the Station Commander was giving a dinner party for the local mayor in the Mess, and the guests had just come out on the steps (near the runway), in time to watch the Phantom come past on the afterburner, with two ejections. The mayor's wife was just thanking him for the firework display as it went through a ditch, lost its undercarriage and fell to bits in a field.
The Fire Section had by this time sent three (brand new) appliances after it without any hope of catching up, but they tried anyway. The first one wrote itself off in a ditch because it was going too fast, the driver of the second suddenly put the brakes on because he realised there had been an ejection and that he might run over a pilot on the runway, at which point the number three appliance smashed into the back of him.
A relatively inexperienced RAF Phantom (F4) pilot had a complete electrics failure, as if being over the North Sea at night in winter wasn't stressful enough. For whatever reason, he needed to operate the Ram Air Turbine, but he deployed the flap instead, as the levers were close together.
Of course, doing that at 420 knots made the flaps fall off the back, and the hydraulic fluid followed. Mucking around with the generators got the lights back on, and he headed for RAF Coningsby, with no brakes. Unfortunately, the hook bounced over the top of the arrester wire, so he used full afterburner to go around in a strong crosswind, but headed towards the grass instead. The pilot and navigator both ejected, leaving the machine to accelerate through 200 knots, across the airfield at ground level.
Meanwhile, the Station Commander was giving a dinner party for the local mayor in the Mess, and the guests had just come out on the steps (near the runway), in time to watch the Phantom come past on the afterburner, with two ejections. The mayor's wife was just thanking him for the firework display as it went through a ditch, lost its undercarriage and fell to bits in a field.
The Fire Section had by this time sent three (brand new) appliances after it without any hope of catching up, but they tried anyway. The first one wrote itself off in a ditch because it was going too fast, the driver of the second suddenly put the brakes on because he realised there had been an ejection and that he might run over a pilot on the runway, at which point the number three appliance smashed into the back of him.
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I was out flying yesterday monitoring the prescribed Radar freq. when a request for aircraft at 'notional loc' to identify and state intentions, was made.
Response was "Taipan 4 'here' at 'alt' going 'there"
ATC " Ok eer whats your abbrevation for Taipan 4"
Brief silence ... then
"Tango, Alpha, India, Papa, Alpha, November, Four"
Response was "Taipan 4 'here' at 'alt' going 'there"
ATC " Ok eer whats your abbrevation for Taipan 4"
Brief silence ... then
"Tango, Alpha, India, Papa, Alpha, November, Four"
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I heard Col Bob Scott ("God is My Co-Pilot" author) tell this one:
He was flying from a base in China during WWII in a P-40, and just returning from a brief maintenance hop. He called the tower for traffic advisories. The tower radio was set up on loud speakers across the .50 cal pits around the hangars, so they could know the traffic situation, and be warned if any Japanese aircraft were approaching. They had all been shot up a few days earlier by some fighters, and so were still a bit skittish.
Scott called in a few miles south and used the convention where his call sign was the last two digits of the aircraft serial number, which happened to be xx-x10.
"One-Zero is 4 miles south," he said.
As he entered traffic, he was followed by several steady streams of .50 Cal tracers, all bent on his distruction. As he made violent evasive maneuvers, he grabbed the mike and said, "Cease Fire! Cease Fire! This is aircraft TEN!! on downwind!!"
He was flying from a base in China during WWII in a P-40, and just returning from a brief maintenance hop. He called the tower for traffic advisories. The tower radio was set up on loud speakers across the .50 cal pits around the hangars, so they could know the traffic situation, and be warned if any Japanese aircraft were approaching. They had all been shot up a few days earlier by some fighters, and so were still a bit skittish.
Scott called in a few miles south and used the convention where his call sign was the last two digits of the aircraft serial number, which happened to be xx-x10.
"One-Zero is 4 miles south," he said.
As he entered traffic, he was followed by several steady streams of .50 Cal tracers, all bent on his distruction. As he made violent evasive maneuvers, he grabbed the mike and said, "Cease Fire! Cease Fire! This is aircraft TEN!! on downwind!!"
Last edited by NickLappos; 26th Feb 2005 at 14:48.
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I had the pleasure of this one myself on a fine summer day at Flying Cloud airport while doing pattern #2,343...
"Helicopter Niner Hotel Bravo extend downwind for landing traffic"
"Extend downwind, 9HB" - I took the controls. With no traffic behind us in the pattern, I slowed us to an OGE hover abeam the tower, where we stayed until the landing traffic was on short final, at which point we got back under way.
"9HB, I wish everyone could do that, base turn at your discretion, cleared for the option one-zero right"
"If everyone could do that, you'd be out of a job, 1-0 right, cleared for the option, 9HB"
"Helicopter Niner Hotel Bravo extend downwind for landing traffic"
"Extend downwind, 9HB" - I took the controls. With no traffic behind us in the pattern, I slowed us to an OGE hover abeam the tower, where we stayed until the landing traffic was on short final, at which point we got back under way.
"9HB, I wish everyone could do that, base turn at your discretion, cleared for the option one-zero right"
"If everyone could do that, you'd be out of a job, 1-0 right, cleared for the option, 9HB"
This one I was there for (well, nearly, about a week later when they were still all talking about it).
Circa 1991, at a helicopter manufacturer's airfield somewhere in SW England - a won't name them to preserve anonymity.
Exercise of the day was IGE hover. The way this was done was by mounting an instrumentation boom on the fire section's landrover, and driving it across the airfield. That established the speed / conditions, and the helo (a Merlin) hovered stationary on the vehicle.
So, picture the scene. The helicopter was hovering backwards IGE, which means that it was leading the landrover. In the ground vehicle you had two FTEs, one watching the instrumentation, one watching the helicopter.
When the helicopter got to the edge of the airfield, it continued over the hedge and to the other side of the road. The landrover, also continued, through the hedge, over the road, through the hedge the other side and came to rest in the ditch.
Since it was the airfield's primary emergency vehicle, not to mention a certain grumpiness over bending their brand new landrover, the fire section were, I believe, rather slow and unhelpful about recovering it.
G
Circa 1991, at a helicopter manufacturer's airfield somewhere in SW England - a won't name them to preserve anonymity.
Exercise of the day was IGE hover. The way this was done was by mounting an instrumentation boom on the fire section's landrover, and driving it across the airfield. That established the speed / conditions, and the helo (a Merlin) hovered stationary on the vehicle.
So, picture the scene. The helicopter was hovering backwards IGE, which means that it was leading the landrover. In the ground vehicle you had two FTEs, one watching the instrumentation, one watching the helicopter.
When the helicopter got to the edge of the airfield, it continued over the hedge and to the other side of the road. The landrover, also continued, through the hedge, over the road, through the hedge the other side and came to rest in the ditch.
Since it was the airfield's primary emergency vehicle, not to mention a certain grumpiness over bending their brand new landrover, the fire section were, I believe, rather slow and unhelpful about recovering it.
G
It is all a matter of perspective!
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
Not enough $$$ ...
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Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
(Helps if you say the "German" parts out loud):
German Lesson for pilots
Aircraft:
der fliegenwagon
Light aircraft:
der kleinen fliegenwagon
Helicopter:
der schwingen fliegenwagon
Crop dusting aircraft:
das fliegenwagon mit der holinder buttonvor puffen der pauder auder
Propeller:
der airfloggenfann
APU/GTC:
Der airfloggenfann flinger
Passenger jet:
der grosse fliegenwagon mit sckull splitten schremen spittenfirenbakof
das airfloggenfann
Cyclic:
der pushenpullen schtik
Anti-torque pedals:
der tailschwingen werks
Pilot:
der pushenpullen schtiken tailschwingen werker
Student pilot:
der dumbkoff lernen fliegen
Instructor:
Mein fliegen furher
CFI:
Uber fliegen furher
Air traffic controller:
der schweinhund ubben sie tauer watchen allo der dumbskoffs fliegen
Ground Studies:
Das headschratchen bukwerken
Link Trainer/Simulator:
Boks mit aller fliegenwerks innit mit on der ground stayen
Visual flying:
lookenoutenseein fliegen
Instrument flying:
lissenwaitenhopen fliegen
Forced landing:
trinen gebackonner graund mittaut der kraschen
Parachute jump:
trienen gebackonner graund mittaut der fliegenwagon
Weather radar:
das electroniken stormengerschniffer
Bird Strike:
Der fliegenwagon und dumkoff fliegen birden dat kraschen und kausen poofen fedders und twisten arsen
German Lesson for pilots
Aircraft:
der fliegenwagon
Light aircraft:
der kleinen fliegenwagon
Helicopter:
der schwingen fliegenwagon
Crop dusting aircraft:
das fliegenwagon mit der holinder buttonvor puffen der pauder auder
Propeller:
der airfloggenfann
APU/GTC:
Der airfloggenfann flinger
Passenger jet:
der grosse fliegenwagon mit sckull splitten schremen spittenfirenbakof
das airfloggenfann
Cyclic:
der pushenpullen schtik
Anti-torque pedals:
der tailschwingen werks
Pilot:
der pushenpullen schtiken tailschwingen werker
Student pilot:
der dumbkoff lernen fliegen
Instructor:
Mein fliegen furher
CFI:
Uber fliegen furher
Air traffic controller:
der schweinhund ubben sie tauer watchen allo der dumbskoffs fliegen
Ground Studies:
Das headschratchen bukwerken
Link Trainer/Simulator:
Boks mit aller fliegenwerks innit mit on der ground stayen
Visual flying:
lookenoutenseein fliegen
Instrument flying:
lissenwaitenhopen fliegen
Forced landing:
trinen gebackonner graund mittaut der kraschen
Parachute jump:
trienen gebackonner graund mittaut der fliegenwagon
Weather radar:
das electroniken stormengerschniffer
Bird Strike:
Der fliegenwagon und dumkoff fliegen birden dat kraschen und kausen poofen fedders und twisten arsen
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Fantastisch!!
How about an alternative for helicopter...
Das fliegenvagon mit der grossen vindpuschen ontopof und die teensie-vinsie vindpuschen inbackof!
Pretakeoff brief for the co-pilot...
"setzen sie sich, nich touchen den pucshen-pullen verks oder die fingerpuschenbuttons und vatchen die blinkenlights, dumbkopf!"
I just cant write german without the exclamation point!!!!
Any more, anyone?
How about an alternative for helicopter...
Das fliegenvagon mit der grossen vindpuschen ontopof und die teensie-vinsie vindpuschen inbackof!
Pretakeoff brief for the co-pilot...
"setzen sie sich, nich touchen den pucshen-pullen verks oder die fingerpuschenbuttons und vatchen die blinkenlights, dumbkopf!"
I just cant write german without the exclamation point!!!!
Any more, anyone?
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Alles lookenpeepers.
Dieser machiner ist nicht fur gefingerpoken und mitengraben. Ist eezie busten knopfen und blown fuzen.
Alzo, stecken die handen in die pocken, setzen sie sich auf der sessel and wachten das blinken lichten!
Beim ordenung. Herr Obergrupenfuhrer von Barnstormer
Dieser machiner ist nicht fur gefingerpoken und mitengraben. Ist eezie busten knopfen und blown fuzen.
Alzo, stecken die handen in die pocken, setzen sie sich auf der sessel and wachten das blinken lichten!
Beim ordenung. Herr Obergrupenfuhrer von Barnstormer
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Only a tenuous link with flying, but ......
Four men on a train slowly making its way across Europe one balmy summer's day when a butterfly flew into the compartment.
They agreed it was exquisitely beautiful and then the Englishman, rather proudly, added: English is such a wonderfully expressive language. Even the sound of the word 'butterfly' captures its delicate nature.
The Frenchman immediately responded: Mais Monsieur, also en Francais. We say 'papillon'. Papillon - such a gentle flowing sound for such a delicate creature. The Englishman agreed, as did the Spaniard who pointed out that Spanish was just as expressive: We say 'mariposa'. Mariposa - such a soft, gentle sound. The other two nodded in agreement.
This prompted the German to join in, asserting that German was the most expressive language of all. Pointing at the beautiful insect fluttering its delicate wings, he declared: "Schmetterling! Schmetterling!"
Polite silence from the other three.
(Best read with the relevant accents in mind.
Four men on a train slowly making its way across Europe one balmy summer's day when a butterfly flew into the compartment.
They agreed it was exquisitely beautiful and then the Englishman, rather proudly, added: English is such a wonderfully expressive language. Even the sound of the word 'butterfly' captures its delicate nature.
The Frenchman immediately responded: Mais Monsieur, also en Francais. We say 'papillon'. Papillon - such a gentle flowing sound for such a delicate creature. The Englishman agreed, as did the Spaniard who pointed out that Spanish was just as expressive: We say 'mariposa'. Mariposa - such a soft, gentle sound. The other two nodded in agreement.
This prompted the German to join in, asserting that German was the most expressive language of all. Pointing at the beautiful insect fluttering its delicate wings, he declared: "Schmetterling! Schmetterling!"
Polite silence from the other three.
(Best read with the relevant accents in mind.