Funny radio chat
Heard a funny yesterday
Southern Dash-8 inbound to Mt Hotham
ML CEN: Southern xx wind at YHOT gusting to 66 kts
shortly after...
ML CEN: "Southern xx 2 aircraft have departed and 1 arrived in the past hour with any apparent trouble."
(unknown exasperated voice) "what do you mean without any TROUBLE"
ML CEN: "From where I'm sitting there didn't appear to be any difficulty!"
(unknown again, presume the one just departed, now laughing)
"yeah, that'd be right, come sit where I am..."
Southern Dash-8 inbound to Mt Hotham
ML CEN: Southern xx wind at YHOT gusting to 66 kts
shortly after...
ML CEN: "Southern xx 2 aircraft have departed and 1 arrived in the past hour with any apparent trouble."
(unknown exasperated voice) "what do you mean without any TROUBLE"
ML CEN: "From where I'm sitting there didn't appear to be any difficulty!"
(unknown again, presume the one just departed, now laughing)
"yeah, that'd be right, come sit where I am..."
Just Binos
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I should get out more. Only became aware of the ATC humour thread yesterday. Just added a couple to it then became aware of this thread. Thought I'd do a cut'n'paste since they're all Aussie stories.
1. Twr to Shorts 360 on downwind: You're number three to land, you're following an Islander on three mile final.
SH36: Is that him abeam me now?
TWR: Well, is it an Islander?
SH36: Just looks like an aeroplane to me...
TWR: Well, he's one up on you then........
2. A story from the old Brisbane airport in the early 80's. Aircraft taxying to terminal after landing 04 used to pass quite close to the tower. One old time pilot whose voice we all knew used to flip us the finger as he said gday on his way past (I think it might have actually been two fingers in those days). Of course we all knew the routine and gave a mass showing of fingers thrusting skyward.
It was only later we found that he would have just made a PA announcement... "If those passengers on the left hand side of the aircraft look out the window now, they'll see the friendly boys in the tower hard at work....."
3. A semi-legend (CC) at Coolangatta to B727 filling the window while aircraft on runway stuffs around:
TWR: TBJ you're gonna have to waffle around on final
TBJ: That's unacceptable, tower
TWR: Roger, standby for go round instructions.
TBJ: OK, we'll waffle........
4. And another one etched into the pages of history from when Coolangatta was procedural: No names, no pack drill, but his daughter is an Olympic gold medal swimmer
TWR: (absolutely stuck for a procedural separation standard in a busy sequence): THI, can you imagine a line between Southport and Canungra?
THI: Affirmative, Tower.
TWR: Roger, remain north of that line!
1. Twr to Shorts 360 on downwind: You're number three to land, you're following an Islander on three mile final.
SH36: Is that him abeam me now?
TWR: Well, is it an Islander?
SH36: Just looks like an aeroplane to me...
TWR: Well, he's one up on you then........
2. A story from the old Brisbane airport in the early 80's. Aircraft taxying to terminal after landing 04 used to pass quite close to the tower. One old time pilot whose voice we all knew used to flip us the finger as he said gday on his way past (I think it might have actually been two fingers in those days). Of course we all knew the routine and gave a mass showing of fingers thrusting skyward.
It was only later we found that he would have just made a PA announcement... "If those passengers on the left hand side of the aircraft look out the window now, they'll see the friendly boys in the tower hard at work....."
3. A semi-legend (CC) at Coolangatta to B727 filling the window while aircraft on runway stuffs around:
TWR: TBJ you're gonna have to waffle around on final
TBJ: That's unacceptable, tower
TWR: Roger, standby for go round instructions.
TBJ: OK, we'll waffle........
4. And another one etched into the pages of history from when Coolangatta was procedural: No names, no pack drill, but his daughter is an Olympic gold medal swimmer
TWR: (absolutely stuck for a procedural separation standard in a busy sequence): THI, can you imagine a line between Southport and Canungra?
THI: Affirmative, Tower.
TWR: Roger, remain north of that line!
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I've read the story about the ground controller in Atlanta who gave a crew a major serve for turning the left instead of right or something and stuffing up her flow. She blasted hell out of em. There was a long silence with no-one wanting to say anything in case they got a serve too. Silence was broken by some guy saying "wasn't I married to you once?"
An oldie but a goodie.
Ref
An oldie but a goodie.
Ref
Bugsmasherdriverandjediknite
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On approaching a well known reporting point into Jandakot I couldnt help but try to eminate the happy people in the add on tele and reported " ABC- AAAAAAAAaaaaaadveeeeettttuuuure world". a few minutes later, following traffic was instructed to "Follow the happy partinavia joining downwind 24R.
another time I was taxing for the runway when I was told " Keep an eye out for the flock of black cockies on the runway edges". To which I replied "ABC- Wilco.....they are worth a few quid if ya catch em". tower replied with " they are worth even more if you catch em with a prop or intake".
another time I was taxing for the runway when I was told " Keep an eye out for the flock of black cockies on the runway edges". To which I replied "ABC- Wilco.....they are worth a few quid if ya catch em". tower replied with " they are worth even more if you catch em with a prop or intake".
Grandpa Aerotart
Some funny ones I found tonight on Avweb
Student pilot to irate instructor: "You're simply impossible to satisfy. I just finished navigating successfully through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And then I bounced the landing six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back!"
Or:
Pilot: Approach, Cessna 1234, student pilot ... I am at 3500 feet and am otherwise a bit lost.
Approach: We will try to help you. Do you see a city, highway, or water tower nearby?
Pilot: There is a city nearby with a water tower.
Approach: Fly over the water tower and tell us what you see written on it.
[pause]
Pilot: "Class of '98"
Or:
Pilot approaching to land in very bumpy conditions:
TLH Approach: Cessna 12345, state intentions.
Pilot: Cessna 12345 intends to land without hurling ... somehow.
Or:
Bonanza pilot in a holding pattern, several aircraft ahead to land:
Pilot: ...your estimate for our clearance for the approach.
Controller: Bonanza 1234, is there a problem?
Pilot: Do the words, "Daddy, I gotta go potty!" mean anything to you?
Controller: Bonanza 1234, cleared for the approach.
Loved the first one...made me laugh...a lot
Chuckles.
Student pilot to irate instructor: "You're simply impossible to satisfy. I just finished navigating successfully through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And then I bounced the landing six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back!"
Or:
Pilot: Approach, Cessna 1234, student pilot ... I am at 3500 feet and am otherwise a bit lost.
Approach: We will try to help you. Do you see a city, highway, or water tower nearby?
Pilot: There is a city nearby with a water tower.
Approach: Fly over the water tower and tell us what you see written on it.
[pause]
Pilot: "Class of '98"
Or:
Pilot approaching to land in very bumpy conditions:
TLH Approach: Cessna 12345, state intentions.
Pilot: Cessna 12345 intends to land without hurling ... somehow.
Or:
Bonanza pilot in a holding pattern, several aircraft ahead to land:
Pilot: ...your estimate for our clearance for the approach.
Controller: Bonanza 1234, is there a problem?
Pilot: Do the words, "Daddy, I gotta go potty!" mean anything to you?
Controller: Bonanza 1234, cleared for the approach.
Loved the first one...made me laugh...a lot
Chuckles.
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Air Rage in full form.
A certain Canadian in a C210 (pilot name CTD to those who remeber), I was in a B58 we both departed 11 for BTI and he departed first. Well as you would expect I was gaining on him fast, so let tower know that I would overtake him on his right.
Then:-
C210 :- TWR that Barons too close, request left turn...
TWR :- C210 turn left 10 deg's
C210 :- TWR I need more the Barons looks like its coming too fast
B58 :- C210 what r u on about?
C210 :- Your to close
TWR :- Something along the lines of, bit of personal animosity between you guys eh ???
B58 :- Passed the whinging Canadian
TWR :- C210 the Baron is now 2 miles in front and increasing
B58 :- I'll give you air rage...
At BTI, twas a few choice words spoken...
ANOTHER day when the met beauru got it terribly wrong in Darwin.
There were aircraft holding as weather was dismal, one plane got in in the hour. After getting a clearance and cleared to join the 11 LOC at 6000 number 4 to land and hearing every aircraft on the missed approach,
TWR, OKI think i've changed my mind about the approach BTI is clear and blue request track direct BTI.
Sounds like a good idea.
Well I snuck of to BTI to wait for the wx to clear.
I can only imagine what was going on on tower but alas 10 mins later, 2 Super Pumas, 1 metro, 1 Kingair, 2 Chieftains, C210, Baron and a Bonanza all arrived at BTI...
A certain Canadian in a C210 (pilot name CTD to those who remeber), I was in a B58 we both departed 11 for BTI and he departed first. Well as you would expect I was gaining on him fast, so let tower know that I would overtake him on his right.
Then:-
C210 :- TWR that Barons too close, request left turn...
TWR :- C210 turn left 10 deg's
C210 :- TWR I need more the Barons looks like its coming too fast
B58 :- C210 what r u on about?
C210 :- Your to close
TWR :- Something along the lines of, bit of personal animosity between you guys eh ???
B58 :- Passed the whinging Canadian
TWR :- C210 the Baron is now 2 miles in front and increasing
B58 :- I'll give you air rage...
At BTI, twas a few choice words spoken...
ANOTHER day when the met beauru got it terribly wrong in Darwin.
There were aircraft holding as weather was dismal, one plane got in in the hour. After getting a clearance and cleared to join the 11 LOC at 6000 number 4 to land and hearing every aircraft on the missed approach,
TWR, OKI think i've changed my mind about the approach BTI is clear and blue request track direct BTI.
Sounds like a good idea.
Well I snuck of to BTI to wait for the wx to clear.
I can only imagine what was going on on tower but alas 10 mins later, 2 Super Pumas, 1 metro, 1 Kingair, 2 Chieftains, C210, Baron and a Bonanza all arrived at BTI...
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Those U2 missions out of Laverton in Victoria referred to in these posts were high altitude sampling missions. They were sampling for radioactive cloud from Soviet and Chinese nuclear tests. They were conducted in both Hemispheres at high altitude. They could tell by spectroscope analysis whose it was and trigger material used and a lot of other things.
US pilot Buddy Brown says the most pucker factor was from the thought of having to bail out over Antartica if the engine failed. He reckoned they'd last 5 minutes at those temps.
The highest bailout from a U2 was 55000ft. The guy was badly hurt.
US pilot Buddy Brown says the most pucker factor was from the thought of having to bail out over Antartica if the engine failed. He reckoned they'd last 5 minutes at those temps.
The highest bailout from a U2 was 55000ft. The guy was badly hurt.
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Interesting one from where I flew in Africa. The controller was a little inexperienced at a training airfield with 6 aircraft in the circuit he was beginning to get a little flustered.
At one point he had all 3 aircraft on final, one downwind and one landing. The landing aircraft, a piper cub also with a student in it, had the unfortunate even of ground looping...to which the controller transmitted......wait for it.........
"All Aircraft on final SCATTER!!!!"
Most pilots were in tears with laughter....
At one point he had all 3 aircraft on final, one downwind and one landing. The landing aircraft, a piper cub also with a student in it, had the unfortunate even of ground looping...to which the controller transmitted......wait for it.........
"All Aircraft on final SCATTER!!!!"
Most pilots were in tears with laughter....
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The scene was a country tower and numerous aircraft in the zone. Female ATC doing her usual top job until one aircraft overtransmitted by another.
ATC: Two in together!
loooooong pause
Unidentified aircraft: I've been dreaming of that!
Even loooooooooonger pause before male voice continues controlling without laughing too much!
Disco Stu
ATC: Two in together!
loooooong pause
Unidentified aircraft: I've been dreaming of that!
Even loooooooooonger pause before male voice continues controlling without laughing too much!
Disco Stu
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Heres one from over the pond.....
Please ignore polically incorect content......it was in fact heard first hand.
UAxxx (female voice) Denver app, any chance of a shortcut this morning?
Unidentified voice (male) Lady, your whole career has been a short cut!
Please ignore polically incorect content......it was in fact heard first hand.
UAxxx (female voice) Denver app, any chance of a shortcut this morning?
Unidentified voice (male) Lady, your whole career has been a short cut!
Bottums Up
Heard tonight while traversing The Top End .....
BN Centre (as best I can remember): Coastwatch xxx, from AusSar, the rescue vesel will be there in an hour. Do you have a megaphone or something that you can let the survivors know that there will be help in an hour?
Coastwatch xxx (seemed to be controlling much mirth): Yes we do, but I don't think it'll work!
I suspect Coastwatch xxx was one of them Islander thingies, what fly by virtue of harmonics!
BN Centre (as best I can remember): Coastwatch xxx, from AusSar, the rescue vesel will be there in an hour. Do you have a megaphone or something that you can let the survivors know that there will be help in an hour?
Coastwatch xxx (seemed to be controlling much mirth): Yes we do, but I don't think it'll work!
I suspect Coastwatch xxx was one of them Islander thingies, what fly by virtue of harmonics!
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Heard whilst IFR out near Cowra.. ML CTR controller had been away for a few weeks since the introduction of JQs A320s.
ML CTR: Jetstar XX cleared FL120 when ready
JQ XX : Cleared FL120
ML CTR : JQ XX Ive been off and havent seen a A320 for a few years what speed can you do on descent?
JQ XX : Ah it changes what would you like? we can do 300.
ML CTR : rgr JQ XX maintain 300 , how did you get that speed?
JQ XX ( in a very typical captains voice ) well I just push a few buttons here and it tells me what to do ... and today it says 300.
ML CTR : (laughs) rgr JQ XX contact XXX "
ML CTR: Jetstar XX cleared FL120 when ready
JQ XX : Cleared FL120
ML CTR : JQ XX Ive been off and havent seen a A320 for a few years what speed can you do on descent?
JQ XX : Ah it changes what would you like? we can do 300.
ML CTR : rgr JQ XX maintain 300 , how did you get that speed?
JQ XX ( in a very typical captains voice ) well I just push a few buttons here and it tells me what to do ... and today it says 300.
ML CTR : (laughs) rgr JQ XX contact XXX "
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Jo'burg Tower
Some years ago, I was visiting Jo'burg tower in South Africa on a work assignment.
The aerodrome controller (ADC) was a male with a very high pitched, squeaky voice. This guy accepts and clears a domestic Springbok B737 to land. After landing, the B737 clears the runway, changes frequency to the ground movement controller and subsequently asks the GMC:
"Jo'burg Ground, can you tell us whether the controller on ??? (the ADC frequency) is a child-bearing or a ball-bearing controller?"
Funniest thing I've ever heard.
The aerodrome controller (ADC) was a male with a very high pitched, squeaky voice. This guy accepts and clears a domestic Springbok B737 to land. After landing, the B737 clears the runway, changes frequency to the ground movement controller and subsequently asks the GMC:
"Jo'burg Ground, can you tell us whether the controller on ??? (the ADC frequency) is a child-bearing or a ball-bearing controller?"
Funniest thing I've ever heard.
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At Darwin a few years back...
A very busy mid-afternoon on DN APP, a new controller, lots of piston inbounds from everywhere plus a mix of RPT's, and the approach controller was approaching his limits and making a few bad calls until...
ATC (in frustration mode): "Will everyone just BE QUIET for a minute!!!"
The airborne fraternity shut up and waited!
After about 30 seconds..
ATC: "Ok, thanks... Alpha November Whiskey, track direct present position to Howards Springs, best speed.................." and he was okay from there!
A very busy mid-afternoon on DN APP, a new controller, lots of piston inbounds from everywhere plus a mix of RPT's, and the approach controller was approaching his limits and making a few bad calls until...
ATC (in frustration mode): "Will everyone just BE QUIET for a minute!!!"
The airborne fraternity shut up and waited!
After about 30 seconds..
ATC: "Ok, thanks... Alpha November Whiskey, track direct present position to Howards Springs, best speed.................." and he was okay from there!
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On a prooving flight into Canberra in a 146, with the CASA FOI in the jump-seat, the F/O crunched it into the tarmac for an absolute shocker. The Captain turned and said:
"Now get onto the PA and apologise for that last landing!"
The F/O dutifully replied.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has asked me to apologise for that last landing. Thank-you."
DOH!
"Now get onto the PA and apologise for that last landing!"
The F/O dutifully replied.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has asked me to apologise for that last landing. Thank-you."
DOH!
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One I found very funny at the time, maybe you won't.
We were being made to hold approaching Sydney, in a Compass A300, being vectored out to sea.
Eventually Captain RH could take no more, he called Sydney and asked for the Auckland approach frequency.
The controller was very polite, he gave it to us.
And clearance to aim back towards Australia.
We were being made to hold approaching Sydney, in a Compass A300, being vectored out to sea.
Eventually Captain RH could take no more, he called Sydney and asked for the Auckland approach frequency.
The controller was very polite, he gave it to us.
And clearance to aim back towards Australia.
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ATC: "Flight X, turn right heading 345 degrees at FL350 for noise abatement"
Pilot: "Tower, we're at FL350. How much noise can we make up here?"
ATC: "Flight X, have you ever heard of the noise made by a 747 when it hits a 757?"
Pilot: "Tower, we're at FL350. How much noise can we make up here?"
ATC: "Flight X, have you ever heard of the noise made by a 747 when it hits a 757?"
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Another one I found very funny at the time, was near the end of a very long 12-13 hour flight back from Moscow direct to Hanoi in a 767.
As we approached Hanoi in overcast conditions, most of the local Tupolevs etc were holding, and the Hanoi tower called us to see if we were going to join the holding pattern or what.
He asked us to report "field in sight".
After looking out and seeing many fields okay, Captain BR confirmed "field in sight".
We thought no more of it, and did a normal let down and landing.
However after landing, this same Vietnamese Controller called us and said "follow the follow me car to the terminal."
Then "confirm you have the follow me car in sight"
It was his way of letting us know that he KNEW what happened.
As we approached Hanoi in overcast conditions, most of the local Tupolevs etc were holding, and the Hanoi tower called us to see if we were going to join the holding pattern or what.
He asked us to report "field in sight".
After looking out and seeing many fields okay, Captain BR confirmed "field in sight".
We thought no more of it, and did a normal let down and landing.
However after landing, this same Vietnamese Controller called us and said "follow the follow me car to the terminal."
Then "confirm you have the follow me car in sight"
It was his way of letting us know that he KNEW what happened.