Funny radio chat
 

So to be a little more light hearted than some of the other topics here, can anyone pass on something they've heard on the radio between Pilots-ATC etc. that has given them a laugh!
My latest was yesterday between ATC and Virgin:

MEl ATC: Virgin *** blah blah blah

Virgin ***: Sorry MEL could you say again, you were in with a Flight Attendant.

MEL ATC: I wish!



http://community.airattack.co.uk/ima...ggrinangel.gif

Heard on Essendon tower frequency last week, while in 26 doing runups. A/C about to land on 35 transmitted "ABC short final". EN Tower "ABC clear to land. You sound like my wife - nag nag nag. Sorry I was a bit behind the 8 ball there!"

Another from Essendon last week:

VH-ABC: Tower, ABC
EN TWR: ABC, go ahead
VH-ABC:ahh tower, would you be able to organise a taxi for my passengers please, leaving from the main terminal.
EN TWR: umm ok no worries, under what name?
VH-ABC: just put it under ********
EN TWR: ok

few minutes later

VH-ABC: tower, ABC
EN TWR: ABC, go ahead
VH-ABC:yeh, can you just make sure that the pax are able to fit some ski's in the taxi as well thanks
EN TWR: ok......

(I'm sure tower was waiting for him to call back and ask if he could pick up the drycleaning for the pilot as well
:D :D :D )

Best tale I can recall happened years ago late one night whilst motoring across the Bight in a three-holer.

The crew concerned were, as you might expect, bored out of their tiny little minds and tried some CB chatter on the HF to relieve the tedium. After a lengthy exchange with a truckie ... he asked where they were ... and got very shirty ... don't think he believed them.... when they told him the facts of the matter ...

As to ATC exchanges, the following tales always stay with me ..

(a) Caribou returning to Richmond one evening while an Iroquois cast of thousands was doing circuits ..... apparently, if one opens the DV and positions near the rear corner of the cockpit, there is an audio oscillation which sounds just like the "wock-wock-wock" of the Iroquois ... needless to say the Caribou guys made an inappropriate transmission which caused the aforementioned cast of thousands to be invited to tea and bikkies the following day ...

(b) an endearing tale of a crew motoring into Cairns years ago ... when ATC intended to position them visually, the request was along the lines of "are you familiar with Yorkey's Knob ?" (a local geographic feature). This was followed by an answer which was both pertinent and poignant ....

Virgin 123: Centre have you got any ride reports at FL340?
Centre: Malaysia 456 whats the ride like at FL340?
Malaysia 456: (In an expat ozy drawl) Smooth as a baby's bottom.
Centre: Virgin 123 that sum up the ride at FL340 for you??
Virgin 123: Affirm thanks.

Pause.......

Virgin 123: Centre we'd like some of the kindergarden action, request climb FL340.

On first contact.......

"Sing cargoxxxx, immediately turn right, you are entering an area of live anti-aircraft firing. Turn right by 90 degrees and climb, climb to FL350!"

"Turning right and climbing, Sing cargoxxxx".

Agitated: "Sing cargo, turn harder, sir, as hard as you can."

Deafening silence.

"Sing cargo, you have now exited the area. In all the excitement, I forgot what level you were assigned."

Aussie voice now: "You were excited? I can tell you, it was exciting up here!"

Hi Guys,

When I was training as ATC sooo long ago, a story from Melbourne Flight Service (remember those guys?). They had a U2 spy plane flying around, very high, above top of controlled airspace (so above 45,000). Not sure of exact wording, but something like..

FS: *** report altitude
U2: above FL450
FS: How high above, in case of traffic
U2: If there is any traffic up here, we'll tell YOU about it!

and

FS: *** report position
U2: Over Tasmania
FS: Where abouts over Tasmania
few seconds silence (probably as they look out window and stop laughing)
U2: You name it, we're over it!

And if ya want some more, I keep up a page for Jandakot Tower and have a 'Did ya Hear' section with some good quotes from there. Find it at jandakot.moby58.com/

Approx 4:00 AM one morning when I was flying up in Cape York.

BN Brisbane, India X-ray Charlie departure.

IXC India X-ray Charlie go ahead.

BN India X-ray Charlie departed Weipa 35, tracking 127,
climbing 7000, estimating Coen,...........ahhhhhhh Stand by.

IXC India X-ray Charlie request.

BN Go ahead.

IXC Ahhhhhhhhh............... rodger, I seem to have left my flight
plan in the fax machine at home....................Don't suppose
you could give me my flight details.

After a minutes pause......

BN (laughing) India X-ray Charlie we can do that for you. You
have departed Weipa.

Another pause

IXC Ahhhhhhhhhh...........rodger, I kinda know that much.

BN (still laughing) You are off to Cairns.

Another pause

IXC You guys are goung to drag this out for a while just to
embarrass me aren't you.

This went on for a while, eventually the rest of the details were also given.

PP

Moby,

The version I recall with said spyplane went along the lines of:

"HB TWR, *** request FL 600"
"A/C requesting FL600, if you can make it, you can have it"
"Roger, ***on descent to FL600".

Dunno the amount of truth in these spyplane stories (and why do they always involve HB?) but they are a good laugh.

CS

CP

The U2 was based at Sale during the early 60s' and doing upper atmospheric air research over Southern Ocean, so their flight route took them over Tassis.

I remember as a kid seeing the contrail from them heading south over Hobart. This at a time when the most sophisticated thing flying here was either a Viscount or an Electra.

Also remember seeing some TV footage (therefore post 1961) of one of them landing at Sale after one of these trips. Fascinated by the thing and especially the outriggers on the wingtips.

Gawd help me I'm getting old. Yes nurse, I'll take the tablets now.:D :D :cool:

PLovett,

Thanks for that tidbit of info - all makes sense now! I was wondering about the strategic importance of having a spyplane patrolling the southern ocean. Mass penguin invasions?

40 years ago....hmmm, no wonder there are so many stories around now!

Cheers CS.

Some years ago while an F/O on F28s at PX we were operating on a QF flight number ex CNS for POM. Our Fokker was 'parked in' so we needed a push back and this caused a short delay.

After departure call to QF CNS went something like this;

Me " Qantas Cairns QF 123"

QF CNS " QF 123 go ahead"

Me " Cairns QF 123 off blocks xyz, 5 minutes late due Captain requiring a tug before taxi!":D

Captain looks dumbfounded as QF Cairns tries to keep a straight 'voice'...unsuccessfully!

Chuck.

Saw the U2 at Avalon airshow in 61?. A very impressive takeoff and climb (presumably fairly lightly loaded with fuel). The landing was carried out in formation with two Falcon utes (the first I saw) and as it slowed down, blokes in the back grabbed the wingtips to keep them off the ground.

U2
 

As an ATC (AirTC) cadet at ESL in the '60's we used to see them all the time and they went up like that when full of gas as well. Relaced later by the RB57F which was like the Canberra with BIG wings.

The U2s used to go north as well and when they reported over Cooktown going Nocom ("Above FL600") you could hear them at MtIsa - it was all 122.1 in those days. They would go someplace then call up over cooktown southbound for ESL some hours later. All OCTA!

The funny (for us) day was when some RAAF type put a slash between the U and the S on the side of the aircraft one day, so it read....U/S AIR FORCE.... One reason why they use "inop"...

Hey Chuck, I didn't know that me mate Slasher used to fly for PX! :D

Wasn't Slasher...it was a certain warbird hero with a very bushy moustache:D

BTW did you resolve that thing you emailed me about?

Chuck.

:cool:
sitting at bay 8 at port moresby being turned around by air nugini
listening on their company
Pilot
'air nugini moresby AN? all I need to dispatch this aircraft is a spanner a rubber glove and a tube of glue '
company
'The engineers will bring it out'


iieeeeeeee

PX Engineering creed;

"The pen is far mightier than the spanner"

Chuck.

U2s regulary operated around FL800 if required by the mission.
Theres a great book called "Skunk Works" by Ben.R Rich, which is the story of Kelly Johnson who created the U2 and the SR71.
Lots of good guts on both types and capabilities.

Not quite on the radio
 

This one from , not quite over the radio, but bloody funny anyway.

Two crew jet flying short multi sector RPT operations with same crew.

Co-pilots first landing of the day in less than favourable conditions, and its a mess with rubber and brakes, thumps it on and comes to a shuddering stop. the Capt looks across at the CP and slowly picks up the cabin mic, " Ladies and Gentelmen, this is your Capt speaking, I would like to blame that absolutely atrocious landing on the CP, but I don't want you to fear about the next landing, as I the Capt will be flying the next leg"

Very pissed off CP.

Next landing, and you gessed it the Capt screws the whole thing, maybe even worse than the CP's earlier effort.

With a grin from ear to ear the CP picks up the cabin mic,
" Ladies and gentelmen your CP speaking, That utterly pathetic attempt at a landing which you had the displeasure to feel and see, was from your Captian. I don't wish for you panic if you are continuing on with us, as I the CP will be flying the next leg and things can only get better"

Well, Capt is realllllllllly pissed, fuming with smoke and all.

He looks across, and down at the CP, and says "What the F#%k do think you just did.

The defiant CP says, well you did it to me after the last landing.

To which the Capt replies, "Yea, but I did'nt depress the transmit button" !!