Ascoteers Multiple Choice
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Ascoteers Multiple Choice
Time for a little light relief, I'll get it started
1. Which is the fastest car in the world?
a) McLaren F1
b) Ferrari F40
c) Lambourghini
d) A Hire Car
2. You arrive at your luxurious hotel to find that your crate of beer is lukewarm. Do you...
a) E - Cat the ALM
b) Phone room service for ice and chuck it in the bath
c) Put it in the mini-bar after removing all the contents
d) Put the beer in the bidet with the cold tap running until all the labels soak off, blocking the bidet and flooding the bathroom/room/entire floor of the hotel
3. A bad olive appears to have upset your tummy and on returning to your hotel room, you vomit over the TV. Do you...
a) Phone the manager, apologise and agree a small settlement
b) Wipe it down as best you can with tissues
c) Hide the TV in the wardrobe
d) Take the TV into the shower with you to clean it, and then drop the TV, destroying it and smashing the toilet
One for the Ground Engineers:-
4. During a refuel in the States, you manage to vent fuel all over the dispersal and are presented with a $1000.00 bill for the clean up. Do you...
a) Phone the Captain and let him sort it out
b) Phone the Co-pilot to bring the imprest
c) Phone the Embassy
d) Pay the bill out of your own pocket but get a receipt for $2000.00
Got the idea? Join in everyone!
(Notice that 'd' is always the correct answer)
(Also notice that you can disguise a true story in your contribution)
1. Which is the fastest car in the world?
a) McLaren F1
b) Ferrari F40
c) Lambourghini
d) A Hire Car
2. You arrive at your luxurious hotel to find that your crate of beer is lukewarm. Do you...
a) E - Cat the ALM
b) Phone room service for ice and chuck it in the bath
c) Put it in the mini-bar after removing all the contents
d) Put the beer in the bidet with the cold tap running until all the labels soak off, blocking the bidet and flooding the bathroom/room/entire floor of the hotel
3. A bad olive appears to have upset your tummy and on returning to your hotel room, you vomit over the TV. Do you...
a) Phone the manager, apologise and agree a small settlement
b) Wipe it down as best you can with tissues
c) Hide the TV in the wardrobe
d) Take the TV into the shower with you to clean it, and then drop the TV, destroying it and smashing the toilet
One for the Ground Engineers:-
4. During a refuel in the States, you manage to vent fuel all over the dispersal and are presented with a $1000.00 bill for the clean up. Do you...
a) Phone the Captain and let him sort it out
b) Phone the Co-pilot to bring the imprest
c) Phone the Embassy
d) Pay the bill out of your own pocket but get a receipt for $2000.00
Got the idea? Join in everyone!
(Notice that 'd' is always the correct answer)
(Also notice that you can disguise a true story in your contribution)
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another
Your aircraft stops over at Akrotiri to refuel and collect some more passengers. There a limited time on the ground. Do you:
A. Remain on board the aircraft to continue flight prep
B. Arrange a roster to allow some of the crew to get to the Terminal Duty Free shop.
C. Kiss off the Duty Free shop, there will many other stops at Cyprus
D. Make sure the entire crew, including trolley-dollies, hog the Duty Free Shop for the entire time thus preventing the mainly army passengers who have been fighting in Iraq from purchasing as much as a soft drink combined with ignoring the growing frustrations of the troops whose opinion of the RAF is collapsing through the floor.
A. Remain on board the aircraft to continue flight prep
B. Arrange a roster to allow some of the crew to get to the Terminal Duty Free shop.
C. Kiss off the Duty Free shop, there will many other stops at Cyprus
D. Make sure the entire crew, including trolley-dollies, hog the Duty Free Shop for the entire time thus preventing the mainly army passengers who have been fighting in Iraq from purchasing as much as a soft drink combined with ignoring the growing frustrations of the troops whose opinion of the RAF is collapsing through the floor.
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Another sad thread chaps, you two do the Group 2 world no end of good! It's a shame, 'cos there really are some good people working out there who actually care about their customers - but of course that'll never feature here looks like.
And I thought your little world was getting so much better!
And I thought your little world was getting so much better!
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On arrival at the hotel does the co-pilot:
a. Arrange for the imprest to be left in the hotel safe deposit box
b. Place the imprest in the hotel room safe, whilst being protected by the other crewmembers until it is secure
c. Leave it in his nav bag on the aircraft
d. Get changed in a rush, shove a few extra $100 bills in his pocket for later on in the club, stash the rest in his unlocked samsonite, get drunk, hand out the cash liberally to the crew in the club/strip joint, and all crewmembers agree they'll sign for it in the morning, then denying they were ever in the club on the first sector of the day, before agreeing on the second sector that they possibly were, but could never have spent that much cash.
a. Arrange for the imprest to be left in the hotel safe deposit box
b. Place the imprest in the hotel room safe, whilst being protected by the other crewmembers until it is secure
c. Leave it in his nav bag on the aircraft
d. Get changed in a rush, shove a few extra $100 bills in his pocket for later on in the club, stash the rest in his unlocked samsonite, get drunk, hand out the cash liberally to the crew in the club/strip joint, and all crewmembers agree they'll sign for it in the morning, then denying they were ever in the club on the first sector of the day, before agreeing on the second sector that they possibly were, but could never have spent that much cash.
It’s been another typical screw up. You’re just putting on your second sock before another 0-dark hundred departure when the hotel phone goes and the GE tells you that the incoming flight which you’re supposed to be flying back on a max crew duty day once it’s been turned hasn’t even landed yet. As it takes rather longer than a RyanAir 20 minute turnround to service our museum pieces, you and your hundred grunts are obviously not going to be able to get back as planned as you’ll be well out of CDT. Do you:
a. Phone Ar$ecoat Ops and say “Do what you’re paid for and give us a clue about a revised itinerary”
b. Say “They’re only grunts, they can sleep on the floor whilst we have another night out on the pi$$”.
c. Say “CDT is for weenies - we'll just press”
d. Come up with a cunning plan, get another chum to check it, then ring Ar$ecoat and get them to agree. Then get another ‘ching’ from the co-pilot, go out for a couple of beers and then leave the next day at a sensible time rather than the daft time Ar$ecoat originally planned.
Whereas you might go for option d, (hopefully), the difficulty comes in explaining yourself to the Chief Grunt when, contrary to what the movers had assured you, they haven’t been back to their barracks but have indeed had to sleep on the floor -and he thinks that you deliberately went for option b! Of course what should have happened is that Ar$ecoat Ops should have noted the departure message from the delayed ac, then issued a revised itinerary based upon a feasible departure time and their plethora of rules, not just dropped the problem on the captain 10 hours later when it was too late! Who, when rung them, still had the flight coming out on the original departure time before the delayed ac landed - clearly impossible! Option c., sorry Army chums, just is not acceptable - unless there are clear operational imperatives, all the crew agree to it and the extension is within the rules......
Ever since this happened to me, on that particular itinerary I took to working out the latest possible time when I could ring CartoonTown International to get an unfiltered estimate of the inbound ETA so that I could, if necessary, inform the crew of the delay before they started Crew Rest Period - and so that we could get our pax home with the minimum delay!
Ascoteers in the main work pretty hard to get the job done - even though you may not be aware of what goes on. But I sympathise with the mate who found the Akrotiri DF shop filled with flight crew when there were 100+ passengers on their way home from Iraq waiting to be served! Of course we used to be allowed to nip up the back stairs near the feeder and get a quick bottle that way - but Plod has stopped that.....
a. Phone Ar$ecoat Ops and say “Do what you’re paid for and give us a clue about a revised itinerary”
b. Say “They’re only grunts, they can sleep on the floor whilst we have another night out on the pi$$”.
c. Say “CDT is for weenies - we'll just press”
d. Come up with a cunning plan, get another chum to check it, then ring Ar$ecoat and get them to agree. Then get another ‘ching’ from the co-pilot, go out for a couple of beers and then leave the next day at a sensible time rather than the daft time Ar$ecoat originally planned.
Whereas you might go for option d, (hopefully), the difficulty comes in explaining yourself to the Chief Grunt when, contrary to what the movers had assured you, they haven’t been back to their barracks but have indeed had to sleep on the floor -and he thinks that you deliberately went for option b! Of course what should have happened is that Ar$ecoat Ops should have noted the departure message from the delayed ac, then issued a revised itinerary based upon a feasible departure time and their plethora of rules, not just dropped the problem on the captain 10 hours later when it was too late! Who, when rung them, still had the flight coming out on the original departure time before the delayed ac landed - clearly impossible! Option c., sorry Army chums, just is not acceptable - unless there are clear operational imperatives, all the crew agree to it and the extension is within the rules......
Ever since this happened to me, on that particular itinerary I took to working out the latest possible time when I could ring CartoonTown International to get an unfiltered estimate of the inbound ETA so that I could, if necessary, inform the crew of the delay before they started Crew Rest Period - and so that we could get our pax home with the minimum delay!
Ascoteers in the main work pretty hard to get the job done - even though you may not be aware of what goes on. But I sympathise with the mate who found the Akrotiri DF shop filled with flight crew when there were 100+ passengers on their way home from Iraq waiting to be served! Of course we used to be allowed to nip up the back stairs near the feeder and get a quick bottle that way - but Plod has stopped that.....
Last edited by BEagle; 30th May 2003 at 14:41.
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You are such a sad bunch of people. I hope the journo's get hold of this, then the rest of your truckie mates can thank you for it. Like I said, there are some really good people in your world, you three have missed the boat completely.
Keep up the good work...!
Keep up the good work...!
Champagne anyone...?
Duplo, I'm a trucky. I would post some witty repartee but I fear it would be greeted with another depressing post from you.
Notwithstanding the lightheartedness with which the first post was made you have failed to detect the irony in some of the subsequent posts.
jack_k - whom I assume to be army - was having a dig at the treatment of pax whilst beagle was having a dig at the oft useless system that we truckies work for.
Take a pill mate
Notwithstanding the lightheartedness with which the first post was made you have failed to detect the irony in some of the subsequent posts.
jack_k - whom I assume to be army - was having a dig at the treatment of pax whilst beagle was having a dig at the oft useless system that we truckies work for.
Take a pill mate
I've flown with Ascoteers many times, often on the flight deck, and their sheer professionalism, punchiness and obvious calibre has always filled me with respect. (It's hard to believe that the ME stream doesn't get the best from FTS, judging by these blokes!). The average Lyneham Loadie is also worthy of great praise, since most of them present a superb ad for the calibre and quality of NCO aircrew. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe they only let journos fly with a handful of crews, but I seriously doubt it.
They do a great job, in often difficult circumstances, and this thread demonstrates that they can do it while retaining a sense of humour, and without taking themselves too seriously.
The remark about calibre has nothing to do with StopStart's girth and propensity for pie-munching......
They do a great job, in often difficult circumstances, and this thread demonstrates that they can do it while retaining a sense of humour, and without taking themselves too seriously.
The remark about calibre has nothing to do with StopStart's girth and propensity for pie-munching......
Champagne anyone...?
Girth?!?!
jack_k - my most grovellingest apologies for that appalling slur upon your good name 
Jacko, as you well know, it's pies that make our aircraft go
Jacko, as you well know, it's pies that make our aircraft go
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Jacko, as usual, I feel humble in your company. Thanks for pointing out the obvious to your tabloid reading bretheren as I feel they might not have got the sketch without you pointing it out.
Q. What the f *** do you do? (The obvious springs to mind but I'd not like to think you wouldn't lower yourself to wearing a CWFJ with a cr ap load of badges on it whilst carrying a note book).
Q. What the f *** do you do? (The obvious springs to mind but I'd not like to think you wouldn't lower yourself to wearing a CWFJ with a cr ap load of badges on it whilst carrying a note book).
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(big sigh)
You start a tongue-in-cheek thread on Pprune hoping to raise a few titters but it ends up as another slanging match, even putting the willies up the venerable StopStart. Do you...
a) Respectfully request that non-Ascoteers desist
b) Sit back and watch the flak
c) Cease Ppruning forthwith
d) Put it down to jealousy and press on regardless
Here's a golden oldie...
You wake up in a foreign land in a strange room. You are naked. All your clothes are missing. You vaguely remember a beautiful maiden. Do you...
a) Try to contact the Embassy
b) Wrap yourself in a sheet and make the best of a bad situation
c) Cry yourself to sleep and hope it will all go away
d) Take a revenge crap in the bed, then look up to see a puzzled maiden standing in the doorway with all your clothes laundered, pressed and folded.
keep on truckin'
a) Respectfully request that non-Ascoteers desist
b) Sit back and watch the flak
c) Cease Ppruning forthwith
d) Put it down to jealousy and press on regardless
Here's a golden oldie...
You wake up in a foreign land in a strange room. You are naked. All your clothes are missing. You vaguely remember a beautiful maiden. Do you...
a) Try to contact the Embassy
b) Wrap yourself in a sheet and make the best of a bad situation
c) Cry yourself to sleep and hope it will all go away
d) Take a revenge crap in the bed, then look up to see a puzzled maiden standing in the doorway with all your clothes laundered, pressed and folded.
keep on truckin'
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Sir Peter's....
More hangovers and good times to the lot of you truckies out there ! And that's from me, yes me, the one you lost enroute in early February 1991 from Dubai to Bahrain to Riyadh to Al Jubayl resulting in a really boring 36 hour stopover at "Romper's Green" near the Sheraton in Riyadh (I assume you lot were staying in the Sheraton as befits your station?)
Anyhow, thanks for letting me up into first class and stick my head up into that little glass bubble up top - do you still navigate that way ?
More hangovers and good times to the lot of you truckies out there ! And that's from me, yes me, the one you lost enroute in early February 1991 from Dubai to Bahrain to Riyadh to Al Jubayl resulting in a really boring 36 hour stopover at "Romper's Green" near the Sheraton in Riyadh (I assume you lot were staying in the Sheraton as befits your station?)
Anyhow, thanks for letting me up into first class and stick my head up into that little glass bubble up top - do you still navigate that way ?
Arrive with 65 pax at hot destination without RAFLO. Co briefs what HM will and will not pay for. Do pax:
a) Have a good night, turn up on time, having paid for any extras on hotel bills thus ensuring no delay for co-pilot who has turned up to pay for bill 1 hr before departure.
b) Have a good night, turn up on time, a few squaddies forgetting the brief about the minibar but put right by the CSM, depart on time.
c) Have a good night, turn up late, a few squaddies use the minibar a few watch some films but are sorted by the CSM, depart a few mins late.
d) Have a miserable time, turn up late, squaddies remember the brief, JOs claim did not hear the brief, watch films, order wine with the meals, drink mininbar dry, claim to have no personal money at all, CSM apologises, company commander couldn't care less, depart to aircraft 30 mins late, aircraft broken. With +12 hours difference to base, base offers to send parts and fixers on next available departure from LHR, guaranteeing at least 24/48 more hours in location. Despite no reciprocal engineering agreement crew organises local users of similar type to fly up parts within 3 hrs, gets dispensation for engineering fix (flying controls/independents) and are underway in short order.
a) Have a good night, turn up on time, having paid for any extras on hotel bills thus ensuring no delay for co-pilot who has turned up to pay for bill 1 hr before departure.
b) Have a good night, turn up on time, a few squaddies forgetting the brief about the minibar but put right by the CSM, depart on time.
c) Have a good night, turn up late, a few squaddies use the minibar a few watch some films but are sorted by the CSM, depart a few mins late.
d) Have a miserable time, turn up late, squaddies remember the brief, JOs claim did not hear the brief, watch films, order wine with the meals, drink mininbar dry, claim to have no personal money at all, CSM apologises, company commander couldn't care less, depart to aircraft 30 mins late, aircraft broken. With +12 hours difference to base, base offers to send parts and fixers on next available departure from LHR, guaranteeing at least 24/48 more hours in location. Despite no reciprocal engineering agreement crew organises local users of similar type to fly up parts within 3 hrs, gets dispensation for engineering fix (flying controls/independents) and are underway in short order.
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Mr R,
I gather from your post you have done the Kabul run
Matters not what you tell them you can bet your bottom dollar some fu
er with a plum in his gob and some variation on "pips" will have confirmed "d" as the correct answer.
However you arrive in Cyprus and it's dark-o-clock and outside normal working hours, you are tired and hungry after a sleep depriving Oh my god it's early start from wiltshire......are you:-
a...bussed to a mess where there is a happy chef waiting to prepare you an apetising hot meal after a couple of long legs via "queer places"
b...expecting to arrive and find the DAMO and his staff have their finger on the pulse, a change to CSI's reveals a change of heart on the beancounter front which allows the issue of some cash in leiu of a missed meal and the bars on the strip sre still open
c...relieved to find a never ending "q" of friendly and talkative taxi drivers waiting outside the various strip locations at "last orders"
waiting patiently to take you back to block 101
d...expecting that the "Bono" aircraft, the fu ing strimmers,cleaners and all the other asscoiated white noise that only Akroneli seems capable of generating is going to keep you up and therefore seek solice in at least two slabs of Keo from VAHS
all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced
I gather from your post you have done the Kabul run
Matters not what you tell them you can bet your bottom dollar some fu er with a plum in his gob and some variation on "pips" will have confirmed "d" as the correct answer.However you arrive in Cyprus and it's dark-o-clock and outside normal working hours, you are tired and hungry after a sleep depriving Oh my god it's early start from wiltshire......are you:-
a...bussed to a mess where there is a happy chef waiting to prepare you an apetising hot meal after a couple of long legs via "queer places"
b...expecting to arrive and find the DAMO and his staff have their finger on the pulse, a change to CSI's reveals a change of heart on the beancounter front which allows the issue of some cash in leiu of a missed meal and the bars on the strip sre still open
c...relieved to find a never ending "q" of friendly and talkative taxi drivers waiting outside the various strip locations at "last orders"
waiting patiently to take you back to block 101
d...expecting that the "Bono" aircraft, the fu
ing strimmers,cleaners and all the other asscoiated white noise that only Akroneli seems capable of generating is going to keep you up and therefore seek solice in at least two slabs of Keo from VAHSall spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced
Last edited by Always_broken_in_wilts; 1st Jun 2003 at 22:01.
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You have started to gain a few pounds due to the Ascot lifestyle. You should...
a) Do nothing - the wife won't mind - there's just more of you to love
b) Take up jogging immediately
c) Start dieting, after all chips are vegetables
d) Stop eating on the ground
a) Do nothing - the wife won't mind - there's just more of you to love
b) Take up jogging immediately
c) Start dieting, after all chips are vegetables
d) Stop eating on the ground
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Your load from 'Queer Place' is 50 PAX and a flask marked 'BIO HAZARD' Destination Porton Down. What should you do?
a) Check your life insurance.
b) Report sick.
c) Suggest taking the PAX or the flask, but not both.
d) Make representations at the highest level and get relieved of your duties.
a) Check your life insurance.
b) Report sick.
c) Suggest taking the PAX or the flask, but not both.
d) Make representations at the highest level and get relieved of your duties.
Last edited by Albert on Tour; 25th Jun 2003 at 23:09.