Ascoteers Multiple Choice
Join Date: May 2000
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After a very long night stop in the states containing several small ales, a disco or two, and then a club with ladies dancing round a pole...... stagger back to your hotel and fall comatosed on the bed naked.
On hearing the hotel fire alarm at 0430 do you.........
a. Get up, check for smoke, get dressed to survive the midwest winter night and proceed outside via the stairs to the marshalling point to head count the rest of your crew and think how this may affect your crw duty time..
b. Wake up in a panic thinking where am I? Rush around pull some clothes on and rush out to the carpark.
c. Wake up with a headache, and think which tw@t set the alarm off pi55ed. Slowly think about pulling your flying suit on and eventually find your way out after waiting ages for the lift.
d. Wake up with a headache that would have killed a civilian! Not know where you are.... after some thought realise that it is so noisey you must be in Block 101 and the alarm is really a strimmer! Bury your head under the pillow and hope it goes away.... only to be woken up by two big firemen with hats and axes who insist you wrap your naked body in the sheet as they escourt you outside, where you sit and freeze your bo11ocks off for the next hour in sub-arctic conditions!!!!!!!!
T
On hearing the hotel fire alarm at 0430 do you.........
a. Get up, check for smoke, get dressed to survive the midwest winter night and proceed outside via the stairs to the marshalling point to head count the rest of your crew and think how this may affect your crw duty time..
b. Wake up in a panic thinking where am I? Rush around pull some clothes on and rush out to the carpark.
c. Wake up with a headache, and think which tw@t set the alarm off pi55ed. Slowly think about pulling your flying suit on and eventually find your way out after waiting ages for the lift.
d. Wake up with a headache that would have killed a civilian! Not know where you are.... after some thought realise that it is so noisey you must be in Block 101 and the alarm is really a strimmer! Bury your head under the pillow and hope it goes away.... only to be woken up by two big firemen with hats and axes who insist you wrap your naked body in the sheet as they escourt you outside, where you sit and freeze your bo11ocks off for the next hour in sub-arctic conditions!!!!!!!!
T
After some deft telephoning, you have manged to convince Ar$ecoat that the place where you're due to attend a static display wants you to come a day early. This you duly do, then, knowing that you have the next day off, you and your crew go out on the pi$$..........
At some god-forsaken early hour, the duty Ar$ecoat bloke rings you to let you know that the small tropical depression which was due to pass 200 miles away has had a change of mind. It's now a hurricane and it's due in a couple of hours. He wants to know what you intend to do about it. Do you:
a. Answer the phone, say "Tell it to f*ck off - and you with it!"
b. Attempt to wake up a skeleton crew, find your groundcrew and arrange taxis to the airport 45 minutes away so that you can bravely fly off somewhere else whilst totally $hit-faced.
c. Ring the airport, get a second opinion regarding the approaching hurricane, tell them that there isn't a hope in hell of getting away before the hurricane arrives but would they please lash the chocks in place and clear loose articles away from the vicinity of the aeroplane. Then hope for the best, roll over and go back to sleep.
d. Watch the palm trees whizzing past the hotel window. Then go down to the basement and play bingo whilst the hotel band plays the only tune it knows!
Well, that was Bermuda and we went for option c followed by option d. But the next day we found that the ac had been for a little walk on its own and had slight cosmetic damage to a pod impeller and a scratch on a slat section. The good news was that it meant an extra lunch whilst the groundcrew checked the ac! As insurance from the armchair theorists we took back a copy of the met man's bollocksed up chart and a copy of that day's newspaper stating that the little tropical depression was going to pass well south of the island and 'slight breezes may be noticed'! Then on to Sacremento, Hawaii and back via El Paso and Pease.
But no-one ever suggested that we should have done anything differently - and the boss thought it was hilarious!
At some god-forsaken early hour, the duty Ar$ecoat bloke rings you to let you know that the small tropical depression which was due to pass 200 miles away has had a change of mind. It's now a hurricane and it's due in a couple of hours. He wants to know what you intend to do about it. Do you:
a. Answer the phone, say "Tell it to f*ck off - and you with it!"
b. Attempt to wake up a skeleton crew, find your groundcrew and arrange taxis to the airport 45 minutes away so that you can bravely fly off somewhere else whilst totally $hit-faced.
c. Ring the airport, get a second opinion regarding the approaching hurricane, tell them that there isn't a hope in hell of getting away before the hurricane arrives but would they please lash the chocks in place and clear loose articles away from the vicinity of the aeroplane. Then hope for the best, roll over and go back to sleep.
d. Watch the palm trees whizzing past the hotel window. Then go down to the basement and play bingo whilst the hotel band plays the only tune it knows!
Well, that was Bermuda and we went for option c followed by option d. But the next day we found that the ac had been for a little walk on its own and had slight cosmetic damage to a pod impeller and a scratch on a slat section. The good news was that it meant an extra lunch whilst the groundcrew checked the ac! As insurance from the armchair theorists we took back a copy of the met man's bollocksed up chart and a copy of that day's newspaper stating that the little tropical depression was going to pass well south of the island and 'slight breezes may be noticed'! Then on to Sacremento, Hawaii and back via El Paso and Pease.
But no-one ever suggested that we should have done anything differently - and the boss thought it was hilarious!
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Join Date: Dec 2000
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You had a fantastic night out in Verona, finishing up with a swim in the fountains. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous, possibly due to a bad anchovy. Do you…
a) Puke in the bin
b) Puke in your suitcase
c) Puke in the bed
d) Stagger naked into the bathroom, sit on the edge of the bath, puke in the bidet and simultaneously cr@p in your soggy shoes which you had thown in the bath...which you try to keep quiet about, but you have a room mate (me)
a) Puke in the bin
b) Puke in your suitcase
c) Puke in the bed
d) Stagger naked into the bathroom, sit on the edge of the bath, puke in the bidet and simultaneously cr@p in your soggy shoes which you had thown in the bath...which you try to keep quiet about, but you have a room mate (me)
You are a well-known tight ar$e with the same pair of decrepit trainers which you've been wearing for the past 10 years - and the Plimsole Liberation Army decides to liberate them...... So it's flying boots with civvies time for the next couple of stops!
..and we actually gave him the damn things back when he was posted to Staneval - he probably still wears them!
..and we actually gave him the damn things back when he was posted to Staneval - he probably still wears them!
You're in the cruise across the pond having just crossed the iso-dollar line when you realise that if you land 15 minutes early you can claim an extra lunch allowance. Do you:
a) Stay at long range cruise?
b) Consider increasing the cruising speed to M0.88 thus making the 'lunch critical landing' , but discount the idea as being unethical bordering on the fraudulent?
c) Consider increasing the cruising speed to M0.88 thus making the 'lunch critical landing', but discount the idea as being an appalling waste of taxpayer's money?
d) Open them up?
a) Stay at long range cruise?
b) Consider increasing the cruising speed to M0.88 thus making the 'lunch critical landing' , but discount the idea as being unethical bordering on the fraudulent?
c) Consider increasing the cruising speed to M0.88 thus making the 'lunch critical landing', but discount the idea as being an appalling waste of taxpayer's money?
d) Open them up?
Join Date: Jan 2001
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Beagle, if as I suspect, the trainers in question were attached to a one time co-pilot of mine then ten years is a gross under estimate, they were disgusting in 1987.
You are in a taxi in Singapore wearing a brand new shiny copy Rolex. Your Taxi driver thinks its real and offers you multi Singapore dollars' do you
1. Accept the offer and get off at the next corner.
2. Accept the offer and go buy many more and keep booking taxis.
3. Have a slight twinge of conscience but still sell.
4. Act completely out of character, refuse to sell, shamble off in your trainers and then tell everyone what a good boy you have been.
You are in a taxi in Singapore wearing a brand new shiny copy Rolex. Your Taxi driver thinks its real and offers you multi Singapore dollars' do you
1. Accept the offer and get off at the next corner.
2. Accept the offer and go buy many more and keep booking taxis.
3. Have a slight twinge of conscience but still sell.
4. Act completely out of character, refuse to sell, shamble off in your trainers and then tell everyone what a good boy you have been.
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Join Date: Dec 2000
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I know there are a lot of Ascoteers surfing Pprune and having a chuckle, but give us a hand will you? I don't know how long I can get away with digging out another tale before the thread drops off the page. Don't leave it to the half dozen of us to keep this alive!
Or if you think its all puerile rubbish then say so folks!
Okay. You (a C130K crew) are sharing Block 101 with a C130J crew. You are the only witness to the J Co-Pilot urinating into the K Captain's hat (who is a not very popular sqn exec). Bearing in mind that you might get the blame, should you...
a) Sing like a canary
b) Deny everything Baldrick
c) Suggest that it may have been a bondu cat
d) Deny everything initially, then a year or so later, leak the story to Pprune
I'm off downroute for a few days so look after this thread chaps.
Or if you think its all puerile rubbish then say so folks!
Okay. You (a C130K crew) are sharing Block 101 with a C130J crew. You are the only witness to the J Co-Pilot urinating into the K Captain's hat (who is a not very popular sqn exec). Bearing in mind that you might get the blame, should you...
a) Sing like a canary
b) Deny everything Baldrick
c) Suggest that it may have been a bondu cat
d) Deny everything initially, then a year or so later, leak the story to Pprune
I'm off downroute for a few days so look after this thread chaps.
You're passing through hotel reception on the way to your crew transport when your very worried looking co-pilot informs you that one of the hotel staff has 'stolen' some of the imprest money! Do you:
a. Believe your co-pilot and demand an explanation from the manager.
b. Call the local police and let them deal with it.
c. Interrogate the co-pilot and ascertain that he handed over the cash (in an unsealed envelope) to the receptionist 'for safe keeping' the night before and that the amount missing was spookily exactly the same as a days allowances!
a. Believe your co-pilot and demand an explanation from the manager.
b. Call the local police and let them deal with it.
c. Interrogate the co-pilot and ascertain that he handed over the cash (in an unsealed envelope) to the receptionist 'for safe keeping' the night before and that the amount missing was spookily exactly the same as a days allowances!
Join Date: Jun 2003
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You are flying Blairforce 1(30) up to a mountainous states capital for one of his famous photo ops, and the wife of the esteemed politician has to get changed from comfy bunk sitting clothes to meet the press with Tone clothes do you:
a) all face your respective panels and shy away from a peek?
b) apologise for the lack of suitable facilities and hold a coat round her?
c) apologise profusely and offer every coat in the free western world?
d) realise no amount of apologising is ever going to repair the damage done when Cherry spots the GEs having a good old scrutinise of her 'big pants'
a) all face your respective panels and shy away from a peek?
b) apologise for the lack of suitable facilities and hold a coat round her?
c) apologise profusely and offer every coat in the free western world?
d) realise no amount of apologising is ever going to repair the damage done when Cherry spots the GEs having a good old scrutinise of her 'big pants'
Join Date: Mar 2001
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Dan Winterland
Had this once with a fairly inexperienced crew heading across pond on Albert. Crew were having this discussion whilst trying to keep the discussion out of earshot of old and wrinkly STANEVAL Nav who had jumped the operating nav. Whilst ageing Nav was down the back, supposedly knowing nothing, Captain decreed that it would be too obvious with him on board and a waste of fuel/engine life etc. STANEVAL Nav returns and snatches log sheet from operating nav and writes in the landing time to make lunch(still 5 hours out) stating "now we can just get there in our own time - just make the rest of the times fit!". Bloody funny.
Arty - not sure, could well have been.
But then your co-pilots didn't really need shoes - because, like Douglas Bader, they had no operating legs......
Hope Uncle Al gave you my regards the other day after we had an impromptu TTF reunion in the Woolgate.
But then your co-pilots didn't really need shoes - because, like Douglas Bader, they had no operating legs......
Hope Uncle Al gave you my regards the other day after we had an impromptu TTF reunion in the Woolgate.
Join Date: Jan 2001
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Indeed he did Beagle, sorry I missed it. I know I must of had a strange effect on co-pilots, two became QFI's but two found it all too much and gave up flying altogether. Which reminds me of the joy of the first crew I was given on a certain squadron and took to an USAF base in the UK. In the bar the co-pilot was lying in the doorway looking up ladies skirts, the engineer was doing a strip to his very skimpy underpants and insulting a load of USAF pilots. Their OC says the guys are about to take the engineer apart, do you :-
1. Deny all knowledge of them both.
2. Take them back to their beds.
3. Take them back to their beds again five minutes later.
4. Take them back to their beds again again and lock the b******* in their room and not dare to go back to the bar.
Ah the pleasures of captaincy.
1. Deny all knowledge of them both.
2. Take them back to their beds.
3. Take them back to their beds again five minutes later.
4. Take them back to their beds again again and lock the b******* in their room and not dare to go back to the bar.
Ah the pleasures of captaincy.
So you're back in France again with your air-defending 8-prop for another exercise you -a francophile **** of a sqn cdr have jacked up. On landing at L'Orient you find that the dispersal for your wreck is too narrow to turn in and surrounded by trees. The French are quite happy for you to leave the beast on the taxiway TFN. Do you:
a. Leave the beast on the taxiway TFN.
b. Shut down on the taxiway, unload and get the gingerbeers to tow the monster in tail-first when they can find a tug.
c. Taxi nose-in and get a tug to pull it out tomorrow .
d. Taxi nose-in then start trying a 180 with the outboard wing chopping through the scrub. Stop when the ginger on the tip discovers a lighting stantion hidden about 5' up-turn of the #4. Shout at the engineers to move it. Shut down when they say they can't - it's a pole sir. Start unloading then notice the tilt on the aircraft because you're off the concrete and are on soggy tarmac which is sinking under the RH wheel. Shout at the engineers to pull it out with the tug that has now arrived (within 5 minutes). They can't, so get then to try and jerk it out. Knacker the French tug and damage the tail wheel oleo. Leave it looking like an abandoned wreck and head off to the hotel where you shout at everyone.
a. Leave the beast on the taxiway TFN.
b. Shut down on the taxiway, unload and get the gingerbeers to tow the monster in tail-first when they can find a tug.
c. Taxi nose-in and get a tug to pull it out tomorrow .
d. Taxi nose-in then start trying a 180 with the outboard wing chopping through the scrub. Stop when the ginger on the tip discovers a lighting stantion hidden about 5' up-turn of the #4. Shout at the engineers to move it. Shut down when they say they can't - it's a pole sir. Start unloading then notice the tilt on the aircraft because you're off the concrete and are on soggy tarmac which is sinking under the RH wheel. Shout at the engineers to pull it out with the tug that has now arrived (within 5 minutes). They can't, so get then to try and jerk it out. Knacker the French tug and damage the tail wheel oleo. Leave it looking like an abandoned wreck and head off to the hotel where you shout at everyone.
Join Date: Jun 2000
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Returning to UK from an island somewhere in the North Atlantic, the Nav is being route checked prior to returning to the secret airbase in Wiltshire. Pre start the heavens dicide to open, and the loadie grabs a jacket to try and keep dry. On coming inside the aircraft, he is maxed out as are problems, and frantically looks for somewhere to hang now vert wet coat. He hangs it on the only hook he spies, the nose U/C emergency release on the port wall of the forward cargo bay.
On take off, captain finds nose U/C will not retract. Nav now going Ape sh1t, as his flight plan now worthless, and thinks its the checker pulling a fast one to make him calculate a low level wheels down return to old Blighty
Do you:
a) Spot the problem and inform the Captain, dropping the Loadie in it;
b) Play dumb, and wait and see if any one else spots the raincoat has operated the handle;
c) Tell the loadie that in exchange for a few bottles of your favourate malt, you have some "news" for him that will solve the problem;
d) As c, but keep the joke going for as long as possible making the Nav think the checker has done this deliberately, just to make his last trip on this unique Albert "memorable" given his legendary time keeping skills!
On take off, captain finds nose U/C will not retract. Nav now going Ape sh1t, as his flight plan now worthless, and thinks its the checker pulling a fast one to make him calculate a low level wheels down return to old Blighty
Do you:
a) Spot the problem and inform the Captain, dropping the Loadie in it;
b) Play dumb, and wait and see if any one else spots the raincoat has operated the handle;
c) Tell the loadie that in exchange for a few bottles of your favourate malt, you have some "news" for him that will solve the problem;
d) As c, but keep the joke going for as long as possible making the Nav think the checker has done this deliberately, just to make his last trip on this unique Albert "memorable" given his legendary time keeping skills!
You are on a no notice flyer to Akrotiri. On landing you are told by the GEs that you need 3 engines changed and they will take at least 3 days. There's no room in the Mess, so you retire to a decent hotel downtown. After a boozy night out, the captain suggests a toga party in the lift. Relatively early the next morning, the GEs call to say it was all a mistake and take off is in about 3 hours. On arrival at Akrotiri, you are jumped by the route checkers who are not in a very good mood because they were kept awake all night by a lot of noise in the hotel lift. Do you:
a. Apologise and hope they won't hold it against you.
b. Report sick and hope the Doc will ground you for 24 hours.
c. Take 3 Ibruprofen, 2 pints of water, and eat a greasy bacon sandwich and hope for the best.
d. As c, but fall asleep 10 minutes into the cruise after being sick because of turbulence encountered during the climb.
a. Apologise and hope they won't hold it against you.
b. Report sick and hope the Doc will ground you for 24 hours.
c. Take 3 Ibruprofen, 2 pints of water, and eat a greasy bacon sandwich and hope for the best.
d. As c, but fall asleep 10 minutes into the cruise after being sick because of turbulence encountered during the climb.
Join Date: Jan 2001
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country calls
Welcome to Pprune, no need to be quite so cryptic, it was after all a photo opportunity. (The visit to Bagram, not Cherie's @rse...blimey there's thought!) Maybe some of the other work that you do will have to remain a secret until the book deal though!
I heard that there was a little mischief with the passports too - do tell.
Albert (ill-informed tw@t)
Welcome to Pprune, no need to be quite so cryptic, it was after all a photo opportunity. (The visit to Bagram, not Cherie's @rse...blimey there's thought!) Maybe some of the other work that you do will have to remain a secret until the book deal though!
I heard that there was a little mischief with the passports too - do tell.
Albert (ill-informed tw@t)
Join Date: Jun 2001
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You observe your rather ageing Captain walking along the beach with one flip-flop in his hand. You ask him why he has one flip-flop. He replies.
a. I've lost the other one.
b. I'm tidying up the beach.
c. I thought it was yours.
d. No I've just found one and I'm now looking for the other one.
a. I've lost the other one.
b. I'm tidying up the beach.
c. I thought it was yours.
d. No I've just found one and I'm now looking for the other one.