SHFNI Stories!
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SHFNI Stories!
Has enough time passed to start telling a few tales?
"Heli-granny"
The "ski-jump"
Bessbrook
XMG
Dunganoon ("I'm hit, I'm hit"!)
"Gibbo"
"JD"
The "1 metre range"!
I dunno, YOU decide!
lsh
"Heli-granny"
The "ski-jump"
Bessbrook
XMG
Dunganoon ("I'm hit, I'm hit"!)
"Gibbo"
"JD"
The "1 metre range"!
I dunno, YOU decide!
lsh
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Liverpool based Geordie, so calm down, calm down kidda!!
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After the bad press that has hit the Puma Force recently, I would suggest that a lot of things need another 10 years under the 'Unofficial Secrets Act'. I am sure that with careful thought you could come up with some acceptable stories. What about confession is good for the soul?? What SHFNI stories would you like to get off your chest that wouldn't make the front page of the Sun........... You know, its highly unusual, I found the only green telephone box in NI 
The story of Dan Dan the harrier man in XMG might be acceptable. Dunhovrin, you got the details?
PS. Where's the Puma gone? might be dodgy!! Or 'start spreading the news' ditto...........
The story of Dan Dan the harrier man in XMG might be acceptable. Dunhovrin, you got the details?
PS. Where's the Puma gone? might be dodgy!! Or 'start spreading the news' ditto...........
(Once upon a time at R850 in the middle of the night).
Ding Dong 1 - "Aren't (name removed to spare blushes) helicopters normally a bit taller when they land on for fuel?"
Ding Dong 2 - "Usually they are. I wonder if they want their aerials back?"
(A few years later.....)
Ding Dong 1- "Do the NSPs for the gimpy include a bit that says fire off the first three rounds into TSWs fuel tanks?"
Ding Dong 2 - "I don't think so but as thats the senior man on the fleet I guess he'd be the one to know....."
(Not too far from G40)
Ding Dong 1 - "Of all the places to run out of fuel, are they supposed to land here?"
Ding Dong 2 - "Don't ask questions, just get that pump and hoses off the other cab so we can foxtrot oscar before anyone knows we're all here...."
TSW, not a glamorous role by any measure but it does often allow you to see the winged master race at their best and sometimes more amusingly, at their worst.
Ding Dong 1 - "Aren't (name removed to spare blushes) helicopters normally a bit taller when they land on for fuel?"
Ding Dong 2 - "Usually they are. I wonder if they want their aerials back?"
(A few years later.....)
Ding Dong 1- "Do the NSPs for the gimpy include a bit that says fire off the first three rounds into TSWs fuel tanks?"
Ding Dong 2 - "I don't think so but as thats the senior man on the fleet I guess he'd be the one to know....."
(Not too far from G40)
Ding Dong 1 - "Of all the places to run out of fuel, are they supposed to land here?"
Ding Dong 2 - "Don't ask questions, just get that pump and hoses off the other cab so we can foxtrot oscar before anyone knows we're all here...."
TSW, not a glamorous role by any measure but it does often allow you to see the winged master race at their best and sometimes more amusingly, at their worst.
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We could start with some really "wimpish" ones and take ten years to tell all?!
How about:
Wessex at Bessbrook
Pilot: Tap-tap-taps on torque gauge glass, trying to get it to read.
Crewman says "if you hit it that hard Sir, you will break it"!
Pilot: "I know exactly what I am doing crewman, thank-you"
Tap-tap-tinkle "oh f**ck"!
Bessbrook chair trick
You need:
5 comfy armchairs
6 bored crew (not difficult!)
a telephone
poor weather (even less difficult!)
The game starts with everyone having a seat except you, bladders-busting or not they all stay put!
Go to end room, phone Aldergrove, speak to mate / Ops / OC 72 etc.
They phone Buzzard (Army Ops) asking for one of the guys who is sat down.
On reaching the phone he is told "message from ....., he is in your seat"!!
So now the phone rings again
"OC 72 for Flt Lt ......"
"Yeah-right pi** off, you arent getting my seat"
"No, no its really is OC 72"!!??
And so on, endless fun.
You see, I think we could tell a few careful ones, not like the time.........
lsh
How about:
Wessex at Bessbrook
Pilot: Tap-tap-taps on torque gauge glass, trying to get it to read.
Crewman says "if you hit it that hard Sir, you will break it"!
Pilot: "I know exactly what I am doing crewman, thank-you"
Tap-tap-tinkle "oh f**ck"!
Bessbrook chair trick
You need:
5 comfy armchairs
6 bored crew (not difficult!)
a telephone
poor weather (even less difficult!)
The game starts with everyone having a seat except you, bladders-busting or not they all stay put!
Go to end room, phone Aldergrove, speak to mate / Ops / OC 72 etc.
They phone Buzzard (Army Ops) asking for one of the guys who is sat down.
On reaching the phone he is told "message from ....., he is in your seat"!!
So now the phone rings again
"OC 72 for Flt Lt ......"
"Yeah-right pi** off, you arent getting my seat"
"No, no its really is OC 72"!!??
And so on, endless fun.
You see, I think we could tell a few careful ones, not like the time.........
lsh
Charlie's amazing bunt...looses 200 rds of gimpy ammo from 2000ft...thanks to Phil C's equally amazing eyesight they got nearly all of them back...
JS's amazing death dive and subsequent very firm arrival...one now an A1 QHI, the other an ex-TP.
Spoons mistaking Dundalk for Newry...I took the fuel into Forkhill when they really did run out!!
The racetrack down in the greens...nearly pranged there!!
Niven's Hairy nose....'reference the hair on the nose..no, no I meant the barn on the hair...oh sh!t'
I banged the winch hook off at Dunganoooon fiddling with switches during a RRF..Cookie nearly shat himself...
Testing my new mess cannon on the pan at Y453 on Xmas day...wondering why the mortar alarm went off....
TCG puking down my neck whilst I drove the pissed sods from mess to mess after the puma/gazelle conflagration..
'That's not a wingover..let me show you one...' Scotty Weir tests my mettle on a Cat ride...was it because the seat raked back or did we exceed 90 nose up???
Mules having to extricate Wibbly-wobbly W*bber's tongue from his airway as he choked during a RRF...what if he hadn't, hmmmmm???
Being wrapped in kimwipe, and set alight in the bar....
Watching McSweat's/Niven's faces go pale as I presented the new OC230 a can of KiteKat at their inaugural dinner having just moved to V813...give 'em their due, they did eat some of it teeeheee
JS's amazing death dive and subsequent very firm arrival...one now an A1 QHI, the other an ex-TP.
Spoons mistaking Dundalk for Newry...I took the fuel into Forkhill when they really did run out!!
The racetrack down in the greens...nearly pranged there!!
Niven's Hairy nose....'reference the hair on the nose..no, no I meant the barn on the hair...oh sh!t'
I banged the winch hook off at Dunganoooon fiddling with switches during a RRF..Cookie nearly shat himself...
Testing my new mess cannon on the pan at Y453 on Xmas day...wondering why the mortar alarm went off....
TCG puking down my neck whilst I drove the pissed sods from mess to mess after the puma/gazelle conflagration..
'That's not a wingover..let me show you one...' Scotty Weir tests my mettle on a Cat ride...was it because the seat raked back or did we exceed 90 nose up???
Mules having to extricate Wibbly-wobbly W*bber's tongue from his airway as he choked during a RRF...what if he hadn't, hmmmmm???
Being wrapped in kimwipe, and set alight in the bar....
Watching McSweat's/Niven's faces go pale as I presented the new OC230 a can of KiteKat at their inaugural dinner having just moved to V813...give 'em their due, they did eat some of it teeeheee
Last edited by Hueymeister; 15th Dec 2009 at 15:30.
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Or the fable about the investigation into missing mail from the 230 crewroom that saw hidden CCTV capture McSweats daughter being put to the sword by a young thruster 
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TTB in a triwall.
'It's alright Pete she's fit solo'
'3-2's a maximum not a minimum sir'
All the boys named Phil
JH's arrival interview
The Banana House; or at least you think it is while playing the piano and emptying the fridge before the apparition CD descends to ask wtf!
AR and GS's first arrival into Aldergrove with top cover escort
Pink milk for breakfast all winter
Seeing GS's ugly mug outside the cockpit window
Taking the RUC Front Row for an early morning snatch.
'Ave you seen my maestro; it's faster than a ferrari diablooooooooo and you get an ironing board in sideways'
Throwing yourself out he bar window and breaking your collar bone
Cold wet night at the pit, push through the scuffers to double tap the pit
Discussing the merits of the young ladette while she is still on the long lead
Meet crew at the pit and then walk off leaving car running outside the armoury the day after changing the plates without doing the paperwork.
Priceless
Happy days
'It's alright Pete she's fit solo'
'3-2's a maximum not a minimum sir'
All the boys named Phil
JH's arrival interview
The Banana House; or at least you think it is while playing the piano and emptying the fridge before the apparition CD descends to ask wtf!
AR and GS's first arrival into Aldergrove with top cover escort
Pink milk for breakfast all winter
Seeing GS's ugly mug outside the cockpit window
Taking the RUC Front Row for an early morning snatch.
'Ave you seen my maestro; it's faster than a ferrari diablooooooooo and you get an ironing board in sideways'
Throwing yourself out he bar window and breaking your collar bone
Cold wet night at the pit, push through the scuffers to double tap the pit
Discussing the merits of the young ladette while she is still on the long lead
Meet crew at the pit and then walk off leaving car running outside the armoury the day after changing the plates without doing the paperwork.
Priceless
Happy days
Gentleman Aviator
Met the lady in question on numerous occasions socially in their house, at ours and at other functions and she was as lovely as a lovely thing and a real player
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Ah vehicles!
"The brown turd" Allegro shared-car:
1.Wheelnuts!
2.Clinging to roof!
The Cortina, carefully purchased by "Gibbo" & Tim at the auction.
Carefully crashed by Tim on the bosses lawn - the Boss handed the headlamp back 18 months later at Tim's going away do!
Smuggled past the guards, post accident.
Three weeks to do the one-week driving course!!
Then of course the potential purchaser of the Alfa being given a "demo" down the back straight, got "bitten" by a lorry when overtaking - door hanging off:
"No I think I'll leave it thanks Dave"!
And the best advert I have ever seen:
"The Flying Frog, basically fu*k*d, offers"
Happy Days!
lsh
"The brown turd" Allegro shared-car:
1.Wheelnuts!
2.Clinging to roof!
The Cortina, carefully purchased by "Gibbo" & Tim at the auction.
Carefully crashed by Tim on the bosses lawn - the Boss handed the headlamp back 18 months later at Tim's going away do!
Smuggled past the guards, post accident.
Three weeks to do the one-week driving course!!
Then of course the potential purchaser of the Alfa being given a "demo" down the back straight, got "bitten" by a lorry when overtaking - door hanging off:
"No I think I'll leave it thanks Dave"!
And the best advert I have ever seen:
"The Flying Frog, basically fu*k*d, offers"
Happy Days!
lsh
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The Swift Retreat
Ally Pally and the Rugby Club on a Friday
'The Street'
Dinghy Drills in Loch Neagh
DECCA let-downs
SQUAMing
The digging of the Officer's Mess Swimming Pool
Emptying the 813 cabs entonox after a heavy night on the lash..
Happy Days
Ally Pally and the Rugby Club on a Friday
'The Street'
Dinghy Drills in Loch Neagh
DECCA let-downs
SQUAMing
The digging of the Officer's Mess Swimming Pool
Emptying the 813 cabs entonox after a heavy night on the lash..
Happy Days
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The "H" style design of the Sgts Mess accom meant that the upstairs occupant one side could see through the downstairs windows on the far side.
At Sunday lunch, to a full table (!!):
MACR Ron to Sgt X ".... when I opened the curtains this morning I saw a ghastly sight, you were kneeling on the bed having a w*nk", most men m*sturb*te but, in future, please have the courtesy to close your curtains beforehand" !!!!!!!
Amazing, but true, coz I was sat at that table and no, it wasnt me ....honest!
(Count the dots)
lsh
PS I will give the "Brown Turd" guys a week to own up,
of the 3 I remember being involved two made Gp Capt and one made OC 230!!
(Cheques, cash or postal orders, no credit cards please!)
At Sunday lunch, to a full table (!!):
MACR Ron to Sgt X ".... when I opened the curtains this morning I saw a ghastly sight, you were kneeling on the bed having a w*nk", most men m*sturb*te but, in future, please have the courtesy to close your curtains beforehand" !!!!!!!
Amazing, but true, coz I was sat at that table and no, it wasnt me ....honest!
(Count the dots)
lsh
PS I will give the "Brown Turd" guys a week to own up,
of the 3 I remember being involved two made Gp Capt and one made OC 230!!
(Cheques, cash or postal orders, no credit cards please!)
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Nobody has mentioned Rosie and Red 851 yet!
Its not what you do right that people remember but what you do wrong. George Blackie knew that and that is why everybody remembers him. RIP
Its not what you do right that people remember but what you do wrong. George Blackie knew that and that is why everybody remembers him. RIP
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"Borrow" bicycles
Pedal across to the civvy terminal and get "trophy" BA hats.
Return by cycling across runway, BA shuttle overshoots.
We got to nitesun the perimeter as a result, looking for "intruders"!
lsh
Pedal across to the civvy terminal and get "trophy" BA hats.
Return by cycling across runway, BA shuttle overshoots.
We got to nitesun the perimeter as a result, looking for "intruders"!
lsh
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You're all talking RECENT times.
In the early 70s, it was normal practice for one or other of the "locals" in Aldergove to put on a barrel on a Friday evening. That was the only time we serving folk saw the civvies of the MU, who would have a couple of pints and then scarper.
On this particular Friday, there was dense fog, and the civvies left early to get home, leaving 72's Det to consume the barrel. There weren't many of us in those days, but it didn't take long.
When the barrel ran dry, the problem was - who would buy the next round? Two Fg Offs decided that one of them would set the ball rolling, and they would race each other to decide. The race was to be starkers in the bar, and the loser would buy. The Boss said "Go" and the race was on.
The race was run and the next round was bought. Both contestants had their drinks as they stood, ie starkers. Gradually, some of their dressed friends slowly moved in on the "winner", picked him up and deposited him in the Ladies Room, where one of our number was entertaining a local lady (subsequently his wife). The naked FO ended up sprawling on the floor, on his back, in front of the pair. He got to his feet, stood to attention and said "I'm terribly sorry", and returned to the bar.
He was ex-Cranwell, Flight Cadet, of course.
In the early 70s, it was normal practice for one or other of the "locals" in Aldergove to put on a barrel on a Friday evening. That was the only time we serving folk saw the civvies of the MU, who would have a couple of pints and then scarper.
On this particular Friday, there was dense fog, and the civvies left early to get home, leaving 72's Det to consume the barrel. There weren't many of us in those days, but it didn't take long.
When the barrel ran dry, the problem was - who would buy the next round? Two Fg Offs decided that one of them would set the ball rolling, and they would race each other to decide. The race was to be starkers in the bar, and the loser would buy. The Boss said "Go" and the race was on.
The race was run and the next round was bought. Both contestants had their drinks as they stood, ie starkers. Gradually, some of their dressed friends slowly moved in on the "winner", picked him up and deposited him in the Ladies Room, where one of our number was entertaining a local lady (subsequently his wife). The naked FO ended up sprawling on the floor, on his back, in front of the pair. He got to his feet, stood to attention and said "I'm terribly sorry", and returned to the bar.
He was ex-Cranwell, Flight Cadet, of course.
The Great Moselly breaking his leg, falling from the top of a human pyramid whilst trying to put his arse print on the ceiling of the bar.
One of the boys who kept borrowing things out of our rooms in the mess and never returning them, was in the bar and said "I will be back in an hour, I am just picking my girlfriend up from the airport side". In the next hour, a load of us completely emptied his room of every item including furniture, and replaced it with the contents of the laundry room from the floor below. He came back and waked into his room to see several washing machines and tumble driers (drying clothes of course). After three 'takes' he sat down on the floor with his hands in his head. No romantic night for him. Trouble was we couldnt remember where we hid everything so it took him about 6 weeks to get all his stuff back
eeeeee those were the days.
One of the boys who kept borrowing things out of our rooms in the mess and never returning them, was in the bar and said "I will be back in an hour, I am just picking my girlfriend up from the airport side". In the next hour, a load of us completely emptied his room of every item including furniture, and replaced it with the contents of the laundry room from the floor below. He came back and waked into his room to see several washing machines and tumble driers (drying clothes of course). After three 'takes' he sat down on the floor with his hands in his head. No romantic night for him. Trouble was we couldnt remember where we hid everything so it took him about 6 weeks to get all his stuff back
eeeeee those were the days.
