Laughter in the air
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: About 3000 below Midhurst SID I reckon
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How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the one. He holds it in place and expects the world to revolve around HIM.
True Story:
Demanding passenger in Business Class coming from USA to UK. Pressing call bell every 15 mins for something else...
Final descent, call bell goes again, crew member now feeling a bit like a personal slave without any thanks, goes to tend to passenger.......
CC: "Hi"
PAX: "Hi, when I get into London, I'm in transit and need to get my bang (fringe) trimmed, is there a hair salon in the terminal?"
CC: "Yes of course, there is a salon, no need to make an appointment, just pop in and they'll trim it for you"
PAX: "They better do a good job"
CC: (about to walk off then hesitates and turns to pax) "Oh and by the way madam, in England we don't call it a bang, we call it a minge"
True Story:
Demanding passenger in Business Class coming from USA to UK. Pressing call bell every 15 mins for something else...
Final descent, call bell goes again, crew member now feeling a bit like a personal slave without any thanks, goes to tend to passenger.......
CC: "Hi"
PAX: "Hi, when I get into London, I'm in transit and need to get my bang (fringe) trimmed, is there a hair salon in the terminal?"
CC: "Yes of course, there is a salon, no need to make an appointment, just pop in and they'll trim it for you"
PAX: "They better do a good job"
CC: (about to walk off then hesitates and turns to pax) "Oh and by the way madam, in England we don't call it a bang, we call it a minge"
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Captain dies and ends up waiting in the welcoming reception of Hell.
The devil wanders over and says "Allo Captain, welcome to hell. We've a new system of punish running down here now - have a look through those doors and tell me how you want to spend your eternity."
Captain opens door 1 and there is a condemned pilot doing an eternity of pre flight paperwork. Bugger that he thinks.
Captain opens door 2 and there is a another condemned pilot doing an preflight aicraft walk around in 45c temperatures sweating his butt off. Bugger that he thinks.
Captain opens door 3 and there he sees a pilot in the flight deck being served by a flight attendant with and endless supply of coffee and hot meals. Captain thinks well that's for me!
The Devil appears and says "Well Captain, what Hell have you chosen?".
The Captain says "I'll have door 3 thanks."
The Devil replied "Door 3? There isn't a door 3" and the Captain says "Yeah, this one here" pointing to the third door.
The Devil opens the door and says "Ooh, sorry that's not for you, that's Flight Attendant Hell".
Boom, Boom....
The devil wanders over and says "Allo Captain, welcome to hell. We've a new system of punish running down here now - have a look through those doors and tell me how you want to spend your eternity."
Captain opens door 1 and there is a condemned pilot doing an eternity of pre flight paperwork. Bugger that he thinks.
Captain opens door 2 and there is a another condemned pilot doing an preflight aicraft walk around in 45c temperatures sweating his butt off. Bugger that he thinks.
Captain opens door 3 and there he sees a pilot in the flight deck being served by a flight attendant with and endless supply of coffee and hot meals. Captain thinks well that's for me!
The Devil appears and says "Well Captain, what Hell have you chosen?".
The Captain says "I'll have door 3 thanks."
The Devil replied "Door 3? There isn't a door 3" and the Captain says "Yeah, this one here" pointing to the third door.
The Devil opens the door and says "Ooh, sorry that's not for you, that's Flight Attendant Hell".
Boom, Boom....
Join Date: Dec 2005
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Laughf in air
Hi gues. I often look through that forum, but only now make up my mind write doun a couple of line.
I wasn't witness of the next story, but it seems to me it was the true.
One young girl, who take her attendant licence just 2 day ago,
flew to Paris (CDG). As she speak Franch, perser order her repeat
information after captan (it's company policy). Young attendant was nervios about her first flight and constantly ask her colleague about airoport's name.
-What is airoport's name?
-Sharl-de- Goll
And she importune with that question all flight. Eventually Before descending she replicate captan on French:
Lady and gentelmen. In 20 min. our plane arrive at airport.....mmm
...mmm .... Piera Rishara.......etc.
Iwasn't a witness, but it was told me that passangers rock with laughter in aisle.
I wasn't witness of the next story, but it seems to me it was the true.
One young girl, who take her attendant licence just 2 day ago,
flew to Paris (CDG). As she speak Franch, perser order her repeat
information after captan (it's company policy). Young attendant was nervios about her first flight and constantly ask her colleague about airoport's name.
-What is airoport's name?
-Sharl-de- Goll
And she importune with that question all flight. Eventually Before descending she replicate captan on French:
Lady and gentelmen. In 20 min. our plane arrive at airport.....mmm
...mmm .... Piera Rishara.......etc.
Iwasn't a witness, but it was told me that passangers rock with laughter in aisle.
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another joke...
Loved your jokes...heres mine to add..
This 'famous' person gets onto our aircraft and sits in first class. Hes so rude to every other passenger and all the cabin crew that eventually one of the girls goes over to spk to him and calm him down.
Eventually he says to her ' do you know who iam ? Do you know who iam......etc etc..' .She turns , walk up to the intercom and announces that 'we have a passenger sitting in seat 5 E who doesn't know who he is.If anybody does know who he is could them make themselves known.!!!
End of 'famous passenger' rudeness!!!
This 'famous' person gets onto our aircraft and sits in first class. Hes so rude to every other passenger and all the cabin crew that eventually one of the girls goes over to spk to him and calm him down.
Eventually he says to her ' do you know who iam ? Do you know who iam......etc etc..' .She turns , walk up to the intercom and announces that 'we have a passenger sitting in seat 5 E who doesn't know who he is.If anybody does know who he is could them make themselves known.!!!
End of 'famous passenger' rudeness!!!
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Re: Laughter in the air
gregers - I wouldn't worry too much about the red/green. If Antoine De Saint-Exupery could make the same mistake anyone can. Used as an example of laterality in CRM. Same with Ernest Gann and inflating life jackets BEFORE you exit the aircraft.
Join Date: May 2005
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Re: Laughter in the air
This one is clever,
Our headline ran, "Virgin screw British Airways." We'd have rather preferred 'British Airways screws Virgin,' but we had to run with the facts.
— News Editor, 'The Sun' newspaper
(http://www.skygod.com/quotes/flyingjokes.html)
Our headline ran, "Virgin screw British Airways." We'd have rather preferred 'British Airways screws Virgin,' but we had to run with the facts.
— News Editor, 'The Sun' newspaper
(http://www.skygod.com/quotes/flyingjokes.html)
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Re: Laughter in the air
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
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Re: Laughter in the air
THE BITER BIT !!!
Many moons ago, on a flight from the US of A to London, an overdressed lady travelling in economy (or whatwever Imperial Airways are calling it this month) was making excessive demands of the courteous but extremely busy Cabin Staff. After yet another pompous demand for a Gin and Tonic, she asked a question of her long-suffering Flight Attendant -
"Tell me my dear, having been away from England for a number of years, what's the servant situation these days?"
Without a pause, our gorgeous English Rose replied....
"I'm sure you will have no difficulty finding a position, Ma'am."
Keep smiling and preparing their drinks behind that curtain !!!
Neppie
Many moons ago, on a flight from the US of A to London, an overdressed lady travelling in economy (or whatwever Imperial Airways are calling it this month) was making excessive demands of the courteous but extremely busy Cabin Staff. After yet another pompous demand for a Gin and Tonic, she asked a question of her long-suffering Flight Attendant -
"Tell me my dear, having been away from England for a number of years, what's the servant situation these days?"
Without a pause, our gorgeous English Rose replied....
"I'm sure you will have no difficulty finding a position, Ma'am."
Keep smiling and preparing their drinks behind that curtain !!!
Neppie
Last edited by Neptunus Rex; 4th Jan 2006 at 11:28. Reason: Punctuation
A great writer, but not a great pilot. Join Date: Jan 2006
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Re: Laughter in the air
A conversation between a dolly and a pax on a BA flight to yankland.it was the second service in economy which consists of a blue box with a sandwich and snacks.the pax had pre-orderd a veggie meals so the dolly gave the pax their box before the rest of the paxs.
on handing the box to the pax the said conversation took place.
dolly : "Madam,I believe you have pre-odered a vegetarian meal ?"
Madam (american) : "Yes."
dolly hand the pax her meal and begin to walk away.pax looks at box
Madam : "Excuse me miss,I've ordered a vegetarian meal"
dolly walks back to the bemused pax to query
and checks.it is a veggie meal.
dolly : "this is vegetarian"
Madam (angry and quite rude): "no it isn't,I specifically orderd a veggie meal.why don't I have one"
dolly (taken aback,but stays proffessional) :" I assure you madam,this is vegetarian"
Madam (again,angry and rude) : "do you think i'm daft,if this is veggie why does it say bacon on the side.take it away"
Dolly (looks at the box and coolly replies) : "no madam,i'm afraid you've misread.that doesn't say bacon,it's actually the British Airways web address."
BA.COM !
Ah ! the yanks,gotta love 'em.
on handing the box to the pax the said conversation took place.
dolly : "Madam,I believe you have pre-odered a vegetarian meal ?"
Madam (american) : "Yes."
dolly hand the pax her meal and begin to walk away.pax looks at box
Madam : "Excuse me miss,I've ordered a vegetarian meal"
dolly walks back to the bemused pax to query
and checks.it is a veggie meal.
dolly : "this is vegetarian"
Madam (angry and quite rude): "no it isn't,I specifically orderd a veggie meal.why don't I have one"
dolly (taken aback,but stays proffessional) :" I assure you madam,this is vegetarian"
Madam (again,angry and rude) : "do you think i'm daft,if this is veggie why does it say bacon on the side.take it away"
Dolly (looks at the box and coolly replies) : "no madam,i'm afraid you've misread.that doesn't say bacon,it's actually the British Airways web address."
BA.COM !
Ah ! the yanks,gotta love 'em.
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Re: Laughter in the air
Paddy and Mick are flying into LAX when an inflight causes them to declare an emergency. The nearest available runway is Edwards AFB, the largest runway in the world.
As they make a 3000fpm decent at near MTOW, they prepare for the landing, knowing they're on the limit, but safe in the knowedge that the runway is huge.
As they touch down thrust reversers rattle and scream and tyres are blown as they screech to a halt 4mm from the end of the tarmac.
As they gratefully survey the scene and thank their lucky stars, Paddy turns to Mick and says
"BeJeesus, Oi tought this was supposed to be a long runway- it's bloody well shorter than Kilkenny!"
Paddy replies "Aye, but look at the fookin width of it"!
As they make a 3000fpm decent at near MTOW, they prepare for the landing, knowing they're on the limit, but safe in the knowedge that the runway is huge.
As they touch down thrust reversers rattle and scream and tyres are blown as they screech to a halt 4mm from the end of the tarmac.
As they gratefully survey the scene and thank their lucky stars, Paddy turns to Mick and says
"BeJeesus, Oi tought this was supposed to be a long runway- it's bloody well shorter than Kilkenny!"
Paddy replies "Aye, but look at the fookin width of it"!
Thread Starter
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Re: Laughter in the air
(on a similar vein to one above)
airline captain lip****z dies and goes to hell. the devil greets him and says "here you get to choose your own pennance for the bad you have done. but as hell is full the person you replace will get a ticket straight to heaven. open these three doors and chose who you want to replace",
door 1 contains a captain with a never ending pile of pre-flight paperwork to be done in a boiling hot office and the phone constantly ringing. "bugger that" thinks captain lip****z
door 2 contains a captain doing a preflight walk round dressed in summer uniform and no jacket in sub zero tempritures and a howling wind. "and bugger that sideways" thinks captain lip****z.
door 3 contains a captain in an air conditioned cockpit, constantly getting served coffee and food by a stunning but seriously overworked stewardess and given head by her whenever he asks for it.
"thats for me" says captain lip****z. "devil old chap, i've decided on door three". "ok" says the devil who opens door three and says to the stewardess "ok Racheal, pack you bags cos your going to heaven"
Greg
airline captain lip****z dies and goes to hell. the devil greets him and says "here you get to choose your own pennance for the bad you have done. but as hell is full the person you replace will get a ticket straight to heaven. open these three doors and chose who you want to replace",
door 1 contains a captain with a never ending pile of pre-flight paperwork to be done in a boiling hot office and the phone constantly ringing. "bugger that" thinks captain lip****z
door 2 contains a captain doing a preflight walk round dressed in summer uniform and no jacket in sub zero tempritures and a howling wind. "and bugger that sideways" thinks captain lip****z.
door 3 contains a captain in an air conditioned cockpit, constantly getting served coffee and food by a stunning but seriously overworked stewardess and given head by her whenever he asks for it.
"thats for me" says captain lip****z. "devil old chap, i've decided on door three". "ok" says the devil who opens door three and says to the stewardess "ok Racheal, pack you bags cos your going to heaven"
Greg
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Re: Laughter in the air
Just recalled the one about an 'original hostie', forgotten her name but think she was Pan Am...
posh first class pax hands CC a baby without even making eye contact, saying snootily: "Change baby."
Response: "Yes madam, into what?"
posh first class pax hands CC a baby without even making eye contact, saying snootily: "Change baby."
Response: "Yes madam, into what?"
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Re: Laughter in the air
Originally Posted by SkySista
Just recalled the one about an 'original hostie', forgotten her name but think she was Pan Am...
posh first class pax hands CC a baby without even making eye contact, saying snootily: "Change baby."
Response: "Yes madam, into what?"
posh first class pax hands CC a baby without even making eye contact, saying snootily: "Change baby."
Response: "Yes madam, into what?"
Last edited by Full Emergency; 1st Mar 2006 at 07:43.
