Laughter in the air
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Re: Laughter in the air
I'm not a pilot or f/a, but I work as ground staff and the ammount of tossers is about even between pilots and f/a's. This may change onboard I don't know. As the thread is full of jokes about both sides, just sit back and enjoy and see them for what they are... Jokes
I've enjoyed reading this, look forward to more.
I've enjoyed reading this, look forward to more.
Join Date: May 2005
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Re: Laughter in the air
Ditzyboy
I'm not upset..... I'm ground staff at moment but I am scum of the earth in training
....not long to go ( I hope )
Rammel...of course I took it as a joke, especially since I am not a FO/Capt...yet! hence my little sad face at the end of the sentence, so I have no ego to bruise, but I'm getting there!!
KEEP 'EM COMING!!
I'm not upset..... I'm ground staff at moment but I am scum of the earth in training
....not long to go ( I hope ) Rammel...of course I took it as a joke, especially since I am not a FO/Capt...yet! hence my little sad face at the end of the sentence, so I have no ego to bruise, but I'm getting there!!
KEEP 'EM COMING!!
Join Date: Feb 2006
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I have to say that when one of my best friends was recently dumped by her boyfriend after he had been sleeping with a woman in his office i took the opportunity to seek revenge on her behalf when he travelled on concession to a popular Egyptian resort with his new bint, (the idea was constructed by me and some other colleagues prior to the day):
After boarding i checked the manifest to make sure he was onboard and helpfully using a picture (obtained from said friend) scouted the rear cabin to make sure he was there. After achieving cruise and the toilet rush had finished i made the following pa:
"Lady's and Gentleman this is a special announcement and for reasons that will become apparent can i please have your undivided attention."
Once the chatter had died down (names have been changed to protect the innocent party) "if there is a Mr Thomas onboard can you please bring yourself to the attention of the crew" (pause for bell) "if there is a Mr Thomas onboard can you please request the attention of the crew urgently (pause for wave and rising head) "Mr Thomas can you please stand up so the crew can make their way to you (he starts to stand)
"NOW EVERYBODY CAN YOU PLEASE TURN ROUND AND LOOK AT MR THOMAS HE HAS JUST LEFT MY BEST FRIEND FOR THE BOMBSHELL NEXT TO HIM AND I WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT THE TWO TIMING LOW LIFE LOOKED LIKE, A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MR THOMAS!!!"
i now have a written warning on my file for said offence but i'm off to ba so **** em!!
After boarding i checked the manifest to make sure he was onboard and helpfully using a picture (obtained from said friend) scouted the rear cabin to make sure he was there. After achieving cruise and the toilet rush had finished i made the following pa:
"Lady's and Gentleman this is a special announcement and for reasons that will become apparent can i please have your undivided attention."
Once the chatter had died down (names have been changed to protect the innocent party) "if there is a Mr Thomas onboard can you please bring yourself to the attention of the crew" (pause for bell) "if there is a Mr Thomas onboard can you please request the attention of the crew urgently (pause for wave and rising head) "Mr Thomas can you please stand up so the crew can make their way to you (he starts to stand)
"NOW EVERYBODY CAN YOU PLEASE TURN ROUND AND LOOK AT MR THOMAS HE HAS JUST LEFT MY BEST FRIEND FOR THE BOMBSHELL NEXT TO HIM AND I WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW WHAT THE TWO TIMING LOW LIFE LOOKED LIKE, A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MR THOMAS!!!"
i now have a written warning on my file for said offence but i'm off to ba so **** em!!
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This isnt a joke,for I've witnessed myself...I"d just come out of the cockpit to use the toillet,and one of the f/a,very gay guy,was just starting the second round of drinks and this middle age man,surrounded by his friends,tries to be "funny".turns to this f/a and asks,loudly:"Hey,can you tell me why all male f/a's are queers?" The f/a doesn't miss a second :"I dont know sir,but I can tell you for sure that ,for this airline you're over the age limit,what would you like to drink?"
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: A little world of my own - Planet Spandit
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What's the difference between a stewardess and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own...
What's the difference between a BA hostie and a walrus?
One has a moustache and smells of fish, the other is a large sea mammal...
What do you call that stringy thing hanging from a c*nt?
The Captain's tie...
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own...
What's the difference between a BA hostie and a walrus?
One has a moustache and smells of fish, the other is a large sea mammal...
What do you call that stringy thing hanging from a c*nt?
The Captain's tie...
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Join Date: Mar 2005
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On being asked a similar question to a previous post "Are all stewards queer?" a VERY straight guy replied
"I dont know Sir, I havent slept with them all yet!"
Whats the difference between a stewardess and a Rotweiller? Lipstick
Whats the difference between a stewardess and a glove? You can only get 5 fingers in a glove
"I dont know Sir, I havent slept with them all yet!"
Whats the difference between a stewardess and a Rotweiller? Lipstick
Whats the difference between a stewardess and a glove? You can only get 5 fingers in a glove
Join Date: Aug 2002
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What a great Thread!
I've got a couple of BA specific ones...
Q. What's the difference between LGW and LHR cabin crew?
A. The only thing that will go down on LHR crew is the bar plus!
Q. What do LHR crew keep between their breasts?
A. Their belly buttons!
or how about some pilot ones....
Q. What do the FO and the toilets have in common?
A. They're either engaged, vacant, or full of S**T!
Lady runs into a terminal building waving her arms. She run up to the check-in desk and screems "HELP! HELP! THERE'S A NAKED PILOT COLAPSED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD OUTSIDE!"
The check-in agent say's "Calm down madame...now...how do you know he's a pilot if he's naked?"
The lady exclaims "BECAUSE HE'S GOT A SMALL D**K AND A BIG WATCH!"
And last but by no means least a virgin girl joke (I love you all really ladies!)
3 Virgin Stewardesses go into a bar. First one goes to the bar and says "3 shots of sambuca please!". The barman obliges and lines them up. The girl pays and they grab them and toast "30 days!" and down the lot. The barman looks puzzled as the second virgin girl walks up and says "3 more sambucas barman!". Again he obliges and after she pays up they grab them and again toast "30 days!" and down the lot. The barman is now bemused as the last virgin stewardess comes up and says "3 more shots of sambuca please". The barman pours out another 3 shots, and again they toast "30 days!". The barman cannot contain his curiosity any more. "Excuse me" he says. "Can you tell me what this 30 days thing is all about?" "Of course" says one of the lovely ladies "We bought a jigsaw puzzle and it said 2 to 3 years on the side of it, BUT WE DID IT IN 30 DAYS!"
Some of my best material
(I'll get my coat)
Q. What's the difference between LGW and LHR cabin crew?
A. The only thing that will go down on LHR crew is the bar plus!
Q. What do LHR crew keep between their breasts?
A. Their belly buttons!
or how about some pilot ones....
Q. What do the FO and the toilets have in common?
A. They're either engaged, vacant, or full of S**T!
Lady runs into a terminal building waving her arms. She run up to the check-in desk and screems "HELP! HELP! THERE'S A NAKED PILOT COLAPSED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD OUTSIDE!"
The check-in agent say's "Calm down madame...now...how do you know he's a pilot if he's naked?"
The lady exclaims "BECAUSE HE'S GOT A SMALL D**K AND A BIG WATCH!"
And last but by no means least a virgin girl joke (I love you all really ladies!)
3 Virgin Stewardesses go into a bar. First one goes to the bar and says "3 shots of sambuca please!". The barman obliges and lines them up. The girl pays and they grab them and toast "30 days!" and down the lot. The barman looks puzzled as the second virgin girl walks up and says "3 more sambucas barman!". Again he obliges and after she pays up they grab them and again toast "30 days!" and down the lot. The barman is now bemused as the last virgin stewardess comes up and says "3 more shots of sambuca please". The barman pours out another 3 shots, and again they toast "30 days!". The barman cannot contain his curiosity any more. "Excuse me" he says. "Can you tell me what this 30 days thing is all about?" "Of course" says one of the lovely ladies "We bought a jigsaw puzzle and it said 2 to 3 years on the side of it, BUT WE DID IT IN 30 DAYS!"
Some of my best material
(I'll get my coat)
Join Date: Jan 2006
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A Virgin stewardess goes to the hairdressers listening to here walkman, she takes the chair and is asked what she wants doing. " Just want my roots doing thanks!" ok says the hairdresser, but you will have to take your walkman out of your ears!!, " Oh!! I CAN'T do that Im afraid!!"
"but you'll have to, as we need to wash your hair first" said the bemused hairdresser.
"but I was told that I could not turn the walkman off during my training with virgin!"
eventually she takes the walkman out of her ears and collapses in a heap on the floor!! everyone tries to revive her, but to no avail, shes dead.
The hairdresser after cleaning up finds her walkman on the floor still playing, he is curious as to why this fit young virgin stewrdess didn't want to turn the walkman off, so listens to what it is playing.
"breathe in, breathe out.
breathe in, breathe out......"
made me laugh anyway!!!
"but you'll have to, as we need to wash your hair first" said the bemused hairdresser.
"but I was told that I could not turn the walkman off during my training with virgin!"
eventually she takes the walkman out of her ears and collapses in a heap on the floor!! everyone tries to revive her, but to no avail, shes dead.
The hairdresser after cleaning up finds her walkman on the floor still playing, he is curious as to why this fit young virgin stewrdess didn't want to turn the walkman off, so listens to what it is playing.
"breathe in, breathe out.
breathe in, breathe out......"
made me laugh anyway!!!
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What's the difference between a Virgin dolly and an airplane engine??
The engine stops whining when it lands!!!
What does a Virgin hostie have in common with the Olympic torch?
They both go round the world and never go out!!
Thank you and good night
The engine stops whining when it lands!!!
What does a Virgin hostie have in common with the Olympic torch?
They both go round the world and never go out!!
Thank you and good night
Join Date: Jul 2005
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THE PRINCESS
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so
if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear
me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch."
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so
if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear
me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch."
Join Date: Apr 2003
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Can't remember if this was urban legend or if it happened to someone here, but...
FA comes thru doing cabin secure, after the standard descent PA. Big group of rugby players who have been rowdy and giving the crew sh!t the whole flight..... the ringleader still has his traytable down. She asks him to stow it and he does. On walking back thru the cabin again she notices the table is down again. Calmly she asks him to stow the table.
On a hunch she goes back to check again just before she has to sit down, sure enough the table is down. FA leans in to the man, just in earshot of his rugby mates, points to the traytable and says "I see you can get it up, it's the keeping it up that seems to be the problem!!"
Red-faced pax stows table amongst hooting and laughter from rugby mates, hostie goes to crew seat with a smug grin on her face.
Classic!!
FA comes thru doing cabin secure, after the standard descent PA. Big group of rugby players who have been rowdy and giving the crew sh!t the whole flight..... the ringleader still has his traytable down. She asks him to stow it and he does. On walking back thru the cabin again she notices the table is down again. Calmly she asks him to stow the table.
On a hunch she goes back to check again just before she has to sit down, sure enough the table is down. FA leans in to the man, just in earshot of his rugby mates, points to the traytable and says "I see you can get it up, it's the keeping it up that seems to be the problem!!"
Red-faced pax stows table amongst hooting and laughter from rugby mates, hostie goes to crew seat with a smug grin on her face.
Classic!!
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This allegedly happened!
Easyjet holding at a certain london airport, about number 10 in the stack. On freq there pops up a new callsign who is immediately given a radar heading, descent and told to contact arrivals.
Easyjet capt a bit peeved and queries why this aircraft has priority over everyone else. The response from ATC, "It's a royal flight and I can only give you priority if you have any royalty on board."
response from EJ "I have acouple of Queens down the back. Does that count?"
Easyjet holding at a certain london airport, about number 10 in the stack. On freq there pops up a new callsign who is immediately given a radar heading, descent and told to contact arrivals.
Easyjet capt a bit peeved and queries why this aircraft has priority over everyone else. The response from ATC, "It's a royal flight and I can only give you priority if you have any royalty on board."
response from EJ "I have acouple of Queens down the back. Does that count?"
Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by BANANASBANANAS
Easyjet holding at a certain london airport, about number 10 in the stack. On freq there pops up a new callsign who is immediately given a radar heading, descent and told to contact arrivals.
Easyjet capt a bit peeved and queries why this aircraft has priority over everyone else. The response from ATC, "It's a royal flight and I can only give you priority if you have any royalty on board."
response from EJ "I have acouple of Queens down the back. Does that count?"
Easyjet capt a bit peeved and queries why this aircraft has priority over everyone else. The response from ATC, "It's a royal flight and I can only give you priority if you have any royalty on board."
response from EJ "I have acouple of Queens down the back. Does that count?"