Last winter during the Nato Ex. Joint Winter our local helo sqd got allocated a series of tactical callsigns on the ATO. (Some ex FJ driver at CAOC must have wanted to torment their rotor callauges) They gave them "BunnyXX". ATC offcourse pissing ourselfs while renaming them "Playboy" , "Enegizer" and other assoiciated variants.

We found it funny anyway :}

This was a funny said by a lovely colleague who sadly got killed but I'm sure she wouldn't have minded me posting it.

At our airfield a few years back we still had BAC 1-11s flying, one of the Captains was an ex Jaguar Pilot and liked to keep the nose wheel up for as long as possible as he landed, sometimes keeping the nose wheel up a very long time before gently dropping it to the ground.
On one such occasion as he taxied off she remarked to the Captain what you got all the fat people down the back or something
The aircraft passed on to me on ground never uttered another word all you could hear was the mike being keyed and hysterical laughter emanating from the cockpit :cool:


Same colleague and I again sat in the Twr she on air I on ground.
One of the BAW pilots started chatting me up on his taxi out to the hold, they were off to Düsseldorf for a night stop and asked me if i wished to join them for the night.
On handing over to the Twr she commented to them
you don't want to take her shes just a tart with big boobs

to which came back the reply
thats exactly how I like them

One of ATCs characters sadly missed :sad:

A true, scary and a bit funny story from Stockholm Bromma, trainee working TWR with instructor sitting a bit to far away....

She has just given landing clearence on rwyXX to a PA31 on the OM, SKX F50 is on the hold.

Then maybe 10 sec later

"SKX123 line up and wait RWYxx

Maybe 20-30 seconds later (Trainee realizes f**** up): SKX123 cleared......uhhhh....HELVETE .....SKX123 hold position, if you hear a brumming noise overhead it's a Navajo landing well inn! (PA31 pilot having seen the Fokker, skimms over it, makes a "normal" landing and taxis inn)

Somehow the AAIB had things to say about the instructor........ :E

Yes, one would! But they did not!!!! :)

Heard at the airfield I work at the other day...

Cessna had been told to join downwind, lots of circuit traffic.

Tower: G-xx what's your position?

G-xx: 4miles to run

Tower: I think I have you in sight. (short pause) You're wearing a white shirt, right?

i must admit, i once said golf, bravo, wanky, lima, hotel. instead of g-bylh!

weather?
 

Yesterday overhead ARNEM...two flights, first one a Singapur Cargo 747 at Fl370, and someone behind by 7 miles and 2000' above. Traffic behind suddenly calls requesting to deviate right for weather. We wondered as it looked that the Sinca was heading straight through it. Anyway we approve and as the traffic turns, so does the sinca -following his route-. So after one minute the crew from the follower asked, pretty surprised as we could hear on their voice, what was the traffic ahead. The controller told him adding : ...747...and is that your weather sir?
To what he was answered some like : yeah, it must be

We had a good laugh. A.

(Just a quick word to say)
Hello,
just discovering this site and enjoying it tremendously, being addicted to aviation humour and better knowlegde of my working environment (which can sometimes be mixed !)

cruel sense of atc humor
 

apparently this happened at KSFO a while back

Lufthansa 1234: San Francisco Tower, Lufthansa 1234 - we need to taxi back to the gate we're missing a passenger.

SF Tower: roger, cleared to taxi back to gate...

Anonymous Pilot (speaking in a German Accent): Have you checked the ovens?

The Lufthansa pilot got real mad and filed a complaint

The other day in the Lamborne hold, after holding at BRASO and a few laps at LAM:

Director: "Speedbird XXX leave LAM heading 270, you will be landing on 27R, the aircraft ahead on 27L has a hydraulic problem and this should get you in with no further delay"

Speedbird lady pilot:"OK, leave Lamborne heading 270, thats great" (Pause) "But not for the other guy!"

Yeah. Apparently this has happened everywhere.

It's an old saw. Been related to me dozens of times by folks who actually heard it themselves. Yeah. Right. Personally, I hope it never happened, but in any case, I'd just as soon never hear it again. It was old and stupid the first time I heard it 30 (yes 30) years ago.

While we're at it, are you aware that the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary?
:hmm:

Dave

av8boy,

Tis', its in Mr Gates dictionary, so it MUST be a word!!

One day at work a mate was showing off his latest acquisition, which was one of those 'compressed' versions of the Oxford English Dictionary so I happened to mention to him that 'gullible' wasn't in the dictionary.

When he had looked it up he wondered why everyone else was wetting themselves laughing.

:O

Was told this one buy a female PPL friend's male Instructor

At an airfield where one needs to backtrack the last section of the RWY if one requires full length and on this day they needed more than where the TWY ended but not quite full length.
After recieving backtrack clearance she askes her instructor :
"Just how far down do you want me to go?"

An oldie but goldie:

In the early 60' one squadron of the Swedish Airforce got hold of the new J-29 "Flying Barrels" equipped with an afterburner. This burner had a tendency to give false fire warnings due to a faulty sensor, and normal procedure was therefor to cut back on power and return to field.

One fine morning a pair of them started their takeoff run and just after takeoff the leader transmitted that he got an afterburner fire warning.

The tower controller, well aware of the anomali, reached for the microfon to clear him for a direct downwind for landing when his wingman called: "... and the parachute is opening normally!"

Guess someone hadn't read their manuals

Major Attack

A few years ago at Southend. Weekend morning, overcast base 1200 feet

Southend Approach G-xxxx is an xxxx(light twin) inbound from Elstree passing Stapleford 1500 feet request joining instructions.

G-xxxx are you VFR or IFR

G-xxxx we're VFR but I'm in IMC

I heard today of an ATCO I work with once telling an a/c to "hold short of your present position".

heres one from a few years back.
After a heated debate between a pilot and a groung controller over takeoff slot times, the pilot finally fell silent.then, all of a sudden, he said, on 121.9:'Ladies and gents, we apologise on behalf of xyz airlines for this delay.we hope your'e comfortable.we'd just like to let you all know that the delay is over a takeoff slot, which is totally beyond our control. in fact we at xyz airlines have a fantastic on time record, which is spoiled by the extreme inefficiency in the groung controllers...'

then came the controller's reply:'you might wanna tell that to your passengers...'

APR co-ordinating with ADC:-

Landing order is BMA123, RYR123, KLM123 and coming up the rear is GREAT (not said phonetically).

Another co-ordination:-

I'll drop my shorts to the north and you can come inside me.

Heard this whilst working at EGLL:-

Female pilot:- we can take an intersection departure
Male ATCO:- i'de like you down the far end for a full length

Also at EGLL:-

ATCO:- BAW123 you were slightly left of the centreline on touchdown.
Captain:- Yes, and my F/O was slightly to the right.

B737, Strong crosswind (about 30kt) and bouncy landing, after touchdown:-

Pilot:- phew i'm glad i'm not based here!
ATCO:- the locally based crews say that the colour of adrenalin is brown

Cessna 150 after leaving CAS:-

Pilot:- Can I climb to high altitude?
ATCO:- Affirm, but standby while I co-ordinate with NASA

How to sound meek
 

A R44 Chopper entered the FAJS CTR today without Clearance and called for a joining only once passing the extended centre line of the RWY. After confirming his position on RADAR that he was already 7 NM in the CTR He was told that He is to call for joining clearance before entering and not to enter untill such clearance is issued. The pilot now even more dumbstruck replies Affirm to which he is told that it is not a question and in future he is to hold clear of controlled airspace till obtaining clearance. Again he answers Affirm to which an annonomous chirp from someone else on frequency replies "The word you are looking for is SORRY"
The chopper pilot meekly appologieses.

Heard on EGNX Approach this evening:

(Pilot, obviously pressing wrong button): " I suggest you guys sit down now, this might be a little bumpy".....

ATC Lady: I am sitting down!

:p

Nice sunny, calm evening in Scotland.

Male Voice: "Lossie Radar, good evening; hot air balloon rising through 2000ft, one five miles north west of Inverness, heading in a generally south easterly direction; request flight information service."

Lossie Radar: "Are you transponder equiped?"

Balloon: "Negative".

Annonymous Voice: "Make a turn for radar identification".

Recently:

"Easy One Yankee Yankee, contact Maastricht Control on channel 132.755."

"Maastricht on 132.755, Easy One Wankee Yankee."

Sadly, there were no Americans on the freq.

i'm not an atco, or pilot, just an enthusiast !

overheard yesterday whilst i was listening to tower departures at EGLL to hear Concorde go

a speedbird callsign was being lined up at one of the entry points to the runway, and the tower controller stated "we'll try to give you as much runway as possible"

to which a laughing pilot replied "thats always a bonus"

made me chuckle !

A Midland crew having a bad hair day at Manch having already admitted as much by missing hold Tango 1, after take off....

Tower:- Midland 123, check squawk 1234

Midland 123 :- Roger, Squawk 1234

Tower:- That's better, you were a BMI Baby going to Edinburgh. It's a left turn to London, contact Manchester Control 134.42...

A couple of weeks ago.....
A/c "lost" tug, got new slot, then.. "Is that a/c going to hold us up?" "Can we take link xx?" "Why are we no3?" etc
On departue, tower "handed him over" with the following...."Contact Departure on 1xxx.xx, and feel free to whinge to them as well":ok:
Reply..."Roger"
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

The other week while flying around coventry listening in to the comms

EGBE tower: G-XXXX can you please tell me where you are flying its just that i've forgot my crystal ball today

Glad this thread is still going. Have remember a story from when I was a Freddie in the RN. I wasn't controlling at the time, my opposite number on D89 had the headset on. Anyway we were doing trials post refit with FRA Falcons from Bournemouth in the South Coast Areas. Went something like this:

"Freddie good afternoon, Broadway 22 with you"
"Broadway 22 afternoon, squawk 0021"
"Squawk 0022, Broadway 21"
"Er.... negative.... squawk 0021, Broadway 22"
"Squawk 0021, Broadway 21, er 22"

Well we thought it was funny at the time.

Arrivals controller, with a close sequence of 7, asks Approach how he wants them. Approach replies "ahhh, 5 miles between them is fine". Arrivals controller (a known character) promptly works his arse off, and all 7 aircraft hit 30 DME exactly 5 miles apart..............laterally.

LAUGH OR CRY ?

Few years back 0200 on our regular night freight trip into Brussels....

Miserable night..Cloud base approx 250ft... on the ÝLS inside the marker, atc..'' XXX xxxx you're cleared to land R25R'' short time later we break out and see flashing lights mid-way down the runway..turns out to be a 747 Classic still sitting there... ''XXXxxxx is going around'' atc..''er... you are not landing then ??''

I must say guys, this thread has had me in fits of laughter for hours! Keep up the good posts !! :D

/ww

Quick one I heard about from Perth Oz (I think it was Perth from memory)

A/C - Tower, there appears to be a flock of ducks crossing the field from east to west at about 300ft.

TWR (quick as a flash) - Caution, Drake Turbulence

Wasn't mine, but a good one anyway.....

heard this the other day at blackpool :

" blackpool ryanair 383 still working manch request your weather"
"ryanair 383 blackpool it's a lovely day here"
"dat'll do - tanks a million - call you when released "

And I though you were going to say it was raining and you can have it with pleasure

Golf-India Bravo

Couple of weeks ago heard at Glasgow

BMI Embraer having vacated the runway holding short of the apron on Delta with PA 32 behind, one aircraft just landed on the runway and one on the ILS.

Grnd : Golf-** could you move closer to the BMI

PA-32: "Yes but only if you promise he won't give us too much of a blowjob when he moves off."

Grnd: "BMI*** cleared to stand ** not too much thrust please, light aircraft behind you"

BMI: "We'll try and be gentle with it"

I can't count for the complete accuracy of it as we were laughing so much.

A couple of vaugely ATC stories:

Rans S6 inbound to Southampton:
For those who don’t know it, the Rans S6 is a tube and fabric home built, about the same size and shape as a Cessna 150, but with Cub-like glazing around the cockpit.

The Rans was already on finals when a Speedbird flight, also inbound, called up:
TWR: “Speedbird xxx, you are number two to a Rans S6 on short Finals.”
Speedbird: “And what pray, is a Rans S6?”
TWR: “It’s a sort of see-through Cessna, Sir.”


A couple of years ago at Gillespie Field, San Diego, doing the required night hours for one of the American Ticket. This was mostly bashing the circuit, getting noticeably darker after the landing light quit. Others in the circuit were reporting various wildlife on the runway and taxiways. I didn’t see any, probably due to aforementioned lack of landing light. At the end of the session while taxing in:

N..293: “Tower, N293 with a question.”
TWR: “’293 Go Ahead.”
N.293: “If I’d seen three cats on the runway at the same time, could I log it as a CAT III approach?”
TWR: “We’ll let you know!”

Many moons ago, in the mid 80's, there I was working Ground at Lajes in the Azores. Glorious summer morning.
Please bear in mind that this happened before the Wall came down.
Now, Lajes ATC was, and still is, manned by mixed nationality ATC's from the USAF and the Portuguese AF.
British Nimrod calls up for clearance. We get it off Santa Maria OAC, and about 20 minutes after that he calls for taxi.
Since he's the only thing moving in the field I'm only kind of glancing at him every now and again.
Almost in slow motion the guy working Flight Data (an American) gets up, reaches for the binoculars and goes "What the F:mad:k ...???"
You see, the Nimrod has a kind of hatch on top of the fuselage, which in this occasion was open.
Out of it was one of the crewmembers happily waving a HUGE SOVIET UNION FLAG.
Out of a British Nimrod.
In a Nato base.

Needless to say, the Americans went beserk.
Crash phone activated for a possible hijack, military police cars full of armed boys swarming all over the aircraft, fire engines blocking the runway.

In the mean time, trying to control my tears of laughter at both the british joke and the look on the yanks faces, I managed to tell the, by this time having serious second thoughts, aircraft commander to shut down is engines, open his doors and prepare to be borded.

Heard afterwards that he had a lot to explain to his Squadron Leader.

Cheers

Two recent ones at Cranfield.

I was on finals to land on Runway 22 (I fly fixed wing...).

Me: G-MM finals 22 to land
ATC: G-MM cleared to land HOTEL 22
Me: cleared to land erm... HOTEL 22?? request auto-rotation in that case
ATC: oh.. sorry.. cleared to land 22, and bonus points for the autorotation.

---

One clear calm evening in October, overheard an aircraft approaching from the northeast.

A/C: G-XX request rejoin and we'd like a couple circuits.
ATC: G-XX approved, surface wind is calm, nothing in the circuit, which runway would you like?
A/C: We'll take all 4, all with left turns in that case.
ATC: errrrr... oooooooookay make straight-in for runway 22
...
A/C: G-XX finals touch and go runway 22
ATC: G-XX cleared touch and go runway 22, 36, 04, and 18, just don't get too dizzy.



Leland

Acft calling for clearance on GMC Freq at night

F/O doing the radio work gives the parking stand and destination
Capt shouts out 330 in the backround F/O says requesting FL330.

They are required to pass reg to us with all the above as well.

Me as GMC controller "Could the guy in the back shout out the registration as well please"

usual fits of laughter from all around

Last week a certain British carrier had a pilot in a hurry.

Can't remember exactly what was said, but it was along the lines of:

ATC - BAW123, leave LAM heading 270, no speed restriction.
BAW123 (female voice)- Uh, ok LAM heading 270, and we'll keep it high speed as the Captain is in a hurry, he needs to get to House of Fraser (department store in UK).

All with the nervous laughter of male voice in background.