Well those animals are hare and there:p

While Pilot training in NZ, was following a Chinese Student Pilot in the circuit on his first solo flight (the airport is NZ's busiest non-controlled). From memory, there were in excess of ten a/c in the circuit at the time, so very busy.

When he turned onto final approach he obviously got the "AAAAHHHH" bug when transmitting......

(In HEAVY Chinese accent):

"AAAAHHHH... Ardmore...AAAAHHHH....TRAFFIC....XYZ123, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH...Oh, it's OK...Already Landed!!!!:p:D

JAR Student Pilot on first flight to Controlled Airport in FL, US.

"Hello Lakeland Tower. I am a Cessna ................."

Okay... that was fun. I've read all 46 pages and I can hardly believe this wasn't posted before:

(if it was you may now punish me)

After a very pumpy landing of a 737 which some would have considered as two or three landings in total, a vigorous flight attendant headed for the com and told the passengers:

"...Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain seats while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the gate..."

(Dunno if this ever happend.. .but would be funny though) :E

------------------

One morning at Munich:

LH123: "Munich Clearance, Lufthansa123 Good Morning, ready to copy "
ATC:"Errr. roger LH123 Stand by.."
ATC:"... ah ... LH123 we don't have your flighplan, say destination."
LH123: "Well, like every tuesday morning it is Dresden, LH123."
ATC:".. ah LH123 you know...today it's Monday..."
LH123:".... /$§&%§ but on Monday we're off duty!"


Greetz.
Keep it up!! :ok:

Wow, thank you so much for all 46 pages of ATC humour...I read all 46 of them in three sittings (with loo breaks, and to get some more tissue for wiping my eyes....)
Keep 'em coming!

talking about rabbits... (although not strictly ATC humour) I like this, allegedly, true story....

A pilot reports after landing that he had had collided with a rabbit at 10,000ft... no one believes it, and although the pilot is adamant that he saw a rabbit flying towards him just before it impacted on the windscreen, the accident is put down to a bird-strike. Then analysis of the remains clearly reveals it was a rabbit.

It is proposed that a large bird of prey was probably carrying said rabbit, got scared and jetisoned his lunch to aid his escape manouevre... plummeting rabbit fell right into the path of the approaching jet.... Goodnight Bunny!

Regarding having ATIS information Whisky: At Falcon Field where I got my PPL (KFFZ) we frequently reported to ground in groups of three or four aircraft all going to the same destination.

The first one reported "Whisky on board" - the rest reported Jack Daniels, Jophnny Walker and Jim Beam on board.

But I think that crossed every pilots mind.

Regards, Bernhard

don't know if it's apocryphal, but the story always went that information Whiskey was referred to as "The booze news"...usually in an American accent!
Tori

Many years ago a cessna used to transit the Manchester freelane with callsign G-AWWW but used to call Golf triple scotch
quite often

G-I-B

A couple of years ago a good friend of mine had an engine failure in a helicopter.

Him: "... Tower, (callsign) engine failure, I'm going down."
Tower: "ok, do so."

After making a successful autorotation to the ground but being out of sight:

Tower: " ..., do you need any (medical) assistance?"
Him: " Ohhh, thanks for asking but I have the mechanic, being responsible, with me."

:ok:

it may already be buried in this voluminous thread....but....


Recall a story of a boeing or some such taxying to the old Brisbane International Apron ( a journey in itself ), and advised to Tower that they were stopping due a large flock of ducks running around the Apron area - apparently being chased by ground handlers (?).

Tower quick as wink - "Roger when ready taxi to the bay at your discretion - caution Drake Turbulence "

2 Funny things that happened today
 

1st was the Radar Controller vectoring in a military aircraft that had gone out on a test flight.

The callsign was ***08 which is usually used by the Hawk test pilots but today was a C130.

So vectoring the Herc to downwind the ATC without checking what aircraft type it is asks "For our planning will you be deploying your drag chute on landing" still thinking its a hawk.

This is met by great laughter by those around him as we point out it is a C130. Lucky for him the comment was as expected not understood by the Herc crew and there answer was just say again to which he replied disregard rather sheepishly.

2nd saw this FPL when We went to go enter the above sin into the lines Book.

Airforce Herc as well:
(FPL-****-IM
-C130/M-GUD!!!! /S
-FAWK1200
-N0300F210 MEV DCT LTV/N0300F170 DCT HSV/N0300F200 DCT MEV DCT
-FAWK0300 FALM
-OPR*** RMK/ILS APP FALM FAHS)

Great to see we keep the best equipment onboard.

Speaking of "Information Whiskey" ......

... just after the last Rugby World Cup, the RAAF was providing military ATC at Baghdad Airport in the aftermath of GW2...

... but for the RAF transports, the ATIS after Victor became on at least one occasion: "Information Wilkinson":ok:

There used to be a Lake Amphibian on the Kiwi register ZK-WWW.

It returned to home base one day slung below a helicopter and with a big ding evident in the nose.

This led to speculation that it had become a Triple Scotch on the Rocks. [insert sound of drum roll followed by cymbals].:rolleyes:

Probably not in the infamous Gutersloh line book:

Glider from the local (Pegasus) gliding club with pilot recovering from 200km fast triangle flight or something:

Glider: Good afternoon Gutersloh. Glider XYZ overhead blah di blah requesting final glide approach grass parallel runway XX.

GUT: XYZ hold present location for outbound traffic.

Glider: Holding. (pauses). Gutersloh request contact Pegasus for surface recovery. Grid ref to follow.

A Monarch 757 on an empty positioning flight back to Luton from Bristol lines up and holds ready for a departure to the West initially. Bear in mind the mighty '75' is capable of some v impressive climbs even when laden.

After t/o clearance is issued:

757 (PF) to ATC: "Watch this !"


Made me grin - we never quite seem to grow up



(The former Bristol controller who recounts the tale reckons the a/c was passing FL100 by the time it reached the procedural turn to the North - which is a pretty tidy performance.)

A F50 captain is complaining about his routing into Amsterdam: "I'm seeing parts of Holland I've never seen before" he moaned.

ATC replied:"If you don't shut up, you'll be seeing parts of Germany!".

Made me laugh today

VLM Fokker F50 on his way in to MAN
asked if he wanted to go to 10 miles centrefix
Answer was he didn`t think he could as not modern enough technology But would give it a try with this little Fokker!!!!!!!!

I guess it most have been the accent

G-I-B

After a departing aircraft reported hitting a bird, the guy from the Bird Control Unit searched the runway and said: "I've had a good look and it seems to be a multiple birdstrike, or a very rare bird with three feet!"

I think I was funny...
 

Earlier this summer I was on a photo-flight near the arrival end of the rwy in Vaasa, Finland (EFVA). We were mostly around 200ft agl and about a km off the centreline in our H269 and the weather wasn't CAVOK but ok.
Having spent a few days in the area I knew that the airlines flying there were either Aero flying ATR 72's or Blue1 flying SAAB 2000's. Both companies have white aircraft with a blue tail.

I heard on the radio that IFR-traffic was inbound and TWR told us to move away. We did and shortly after, the IFR-traffic called downwind with rwy in sight for a visual appch. With the traffic in sight I called up to get back to work near the rwy, but had missed the callsign of the approaching traffic...

ME: O-xx have the SAAB on downwind in sight and request clearance over our previous area, staying clear of the final.
TWR: It's an ATR
ME: Yeah... But he wishes he was SAAB! :E
TWR(short pause): Yep... O-xx you're cleared previous area.


Got me smiling anyway.

/2beers

OK, quick poll: who drives a Saab?

:D

im not an ATCO but am a private pilot and have been in stiches reading these pages, keep them coming!

As for the poll, Mini cooper s all the way!:D :D :D

Having trawled the entire thread I'm surprised this LHR gem has escaped repetition.
Heard one day when 28L was in use for departures at about the time British Midland were painting their aircraft dark blue.
ATC "Midland 123 line up 28L and cleared take off"
BD123 "Cleared line up take off"
ATC "Speedbird 019 (A Concorde) behind the departing Midland line up and hold
BA 019 Awfully far back "Is that the blue one"
ATC "Afirm"
ATC "KLM 145 behind the departing Concorde line up hold caution reheat and wake"
KL145 As laid back as only the dutch can "Is that the white one?"
Sadly no riposte from Nigel.
Be lucky
David

This is copied from 'Short Finals' section at AVweb.com...

Overheard during fleet week practice over the San Francisco Bay;

Nor Cal Approach: Bonanza 1-2-3-4, opposite direction traffic at your 1 o'clock, five miles, five hundred feet above you, Blue Angels flight of two.

Bonanza 1-2-3-4: Negative contact, say again type traffic.

Nor Cal: Two F-18s, blue and yellow. Currently at your one moving to two o'clock ... make that three o'clock ... um ... traffic no longer a factor. Caution, wake turbulence.



Lok

I was working FAJS Radar when a JS41 get airborne and calls

Johannesburg Tower LNK*** airborne... Ah Correction that should be Johannesburg Radar. I'm so sorry

Now we change sectors so often i can't remember my callsign half the time so I reply "You cand call me anything I still have to respond Identified under Radar control climb ...."

The JS41 pilot replies "Ok TRACY thanks for that climbing FL..."

I was in stitches after that

BTW my name aint Tracy

Pushback?? i haven't finished my...
 

Just heard this last week in GLA, we where waiting for Pushback and we overheard the following radio transmition btwn "British" and the rest of the world!

Gnd; British### you are cleard push and start

British; "Now this always happens when you are getting breakfast"

Gnd;"Breakfast?? What's that?"

Some one else; "we don't even HAVE Breakfast"

etc...

didn't hear him complain about it again hahahahaha

Pilot: TWR XXX, could you give us a rough time-check?
TWR: It's monday

A german airliner in Munich asking for start-up in german. The TWR controller replys:"Sir, if you want to get something, you have to speak english!"
Pilot: "Vai mast aj spik inglish, Im Zherman pilot in ze zherman airplane in ze midle of ze Zhermany!
Beofre TWR could answer, there was a cockney voice over R/T:
"Coz we won the bloody war!"

Heard on the Heathrow Approach frequency on Friday 4/11 at about 22:15

Air Canada xxxx 767 approaching Bovingdon FL800 inbound to LHR.

Now that is one hell of a decent profile my man. Hope you made it down ok.


C-I-M

One heard earlier:

Close to dusk one evening at small airfield
A/c: ''G-xxxx overhead 2000' etc...'
FIS: '' G-xx roger, report downwind rwy 28, do you require runway lights for this approach?
A/c: Ahhh, negative, we'll be ok, report downwind 28 G-xx
FIS: Oh good, 'cos we dont have any for 28!

JW

A recent radio exchange between a FISO and two FIs whom he had difficulty in distinguishing over the radio:
FISO: "Is that Bill or Ben?"
FI1: "It's Bill."
FI2 (Ben) without pausing to draw breath: "The less good-looking one!"
FISO: "That's so cruel!"

After a recent go around at Sydney due to severe over shoot shear on short final the captain made an announcement as to what had happened and why, but not to worry because "we practice this three times a year in the simulator". All of the passengers burst out laughing and some were heard discussing whether three times was enough. Maybe he should have stuck to a generic "many times".

RI

Heard on a black night on NAT 'T'...

123.45 has the Americans asking each other about the College football results. Followed by Brits asking about Premiership results. Followed by:-

Aircraft #1 - "Does anyone know who won the light heavyweight championship title in Las Vegas?"

Aircraft #2 - Eh? And other words showing misunderstanding..

Aircraft #1 - "I was asking about the boxing title fight in Las Vegas last night.."

Aircraft #3 - "Who cares?"

Aircraft #4 - "I think Celine Dion won on points against Elton John..."

:uhoh:

An en-route Air Ambulance (organ collectiong flight) en-route was told by a controller that the transplant team no longer needed his services and was asked for his intention. The Captain replied "I'll go back home then and requesting to divert", the controller promptly gave a clearance and transferred him to the previous sector where a very cute female voice awaited his arrival.

Unfortunately, the exact circumstances of the Air Ambulance's diversion were not explained to the female controller and 'to be on the safe side' wondered if this aircraft had an emergency. As the aircraft 'checked-in' the female controller asked if he wished to declare and emergency, which prompted the follwoing response "Nope, I am just having trouble finding my organ!". This sparked off a few other equally interesting comments from other crews - order was restored a few minutes later.

Scottish 123.77 a little while ago.

Heard this while waiting at the holding point of Rwy 10 at Dubin recently, with an Air Canada 767 on final.

Twr: 'Air Canada 123, cleared to land runway 10, wind 150 degress 10 knots'.

AC123: 'Roger, cleared to land runway 10'.

a few seconds later.....

AC123: 'Tower for your information, wind at 1000ft is 220 at 30 knots'.

Twr: 'Well it's lucky you're landing on the ground then'.

I heard this story from some veterans of days gone by:
One dark moon evening, as a military atc was reading his novel in the tower of his airfield, situated in the middle of the bush, somewhere in Africa, awaiting the return of 2 Impala jets from a night strike.......he was suddenly shook out of his story by the 2 Impala jets returning early and overflying the tower by a few inches without any navigation lights on. As they pitched up to position onto a downwind for the landing the radio sounded: "Guess who?".
The atc stood up from where he fell off his chair, switched off the runway and airfield lights and replied on the radio:"Guess where?".

Overheard on Salzburg tower a couple of years ago (paraphrased from memory) ...

Cessna 150: Salzburg Tower, xxx, overhead Hallein at 4000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: xxx, continue to Glasenbach.

Two minutes later

Chopper: Salzburg Tower, yyy, overhead Hallein at 3000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: yyy, continue to Glasenbach.

30 Second later:

Tower: OExxx, a helicopter will - how shall I put it? - undertake you in a few moments.

Servus from Salzburg
Simon

Heard out of CHC recently.

Controller: Qantas xx Flxxx no longer available.

Qantas xx: Considering our preflight request and faster aeroplane shouldn't we have preference?

Controller: I don't know the rules.

Air New Zealand: What was thet? Iz thet Warren?

Qantas: I haven't had a laugh for a while, say "fish and chips or better still would you like to buy a vowel (aka Wheel of Fortune)"

Very early on when I first started to learn to fly I was unfamiliar with the fact that there are no holding points on one runway for an intersecting runway so having completed the pre-take off checks I happily announced "G- **** holding ... err.................." and, forgetting to remove thumb from switch, continued to my FI: "where am I?" to the great amusement of the person in the tower.:O

One of Richard Branson's 747s bashing the circuit.

Local flying club CFI "Not often we have a virgin in the circuit".

OK I know it's not that original but things have been getting quiet around here!

My turn
 

Details may not be spot on but the essence is there.
Two parallel queues of aircraft waiting to line up on 27L at Heathrow (holds N1 and N2) and being given conditional clearances. Near the front of one queue is a 737 of Poland's flag carrier.

Tower: Airline XYZ, after the LOT on your right, line up and wait 27 left.
Airline XYZ (newish F/O): Er, do you mean all of them?