ATC Humour (Merged)
Join Date: May 2004
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lighting vehicles
last night at EG-- about 1:30am. nothing on frequency, one inbound, otherwise radio silence.
atc : lighting 2 vacate at XX
no reply
atc : lighting 2 ground
no reply
atc : lighting 2 vacate at XX
no reply
atc : lighting 3 can you see lighting 2, he has gone deaf.
short delay....................
lighting 2 : go ahead ground
atc : GET OFF MY RUNWAY
lighting 2 : sorry, vacated at XX
atc : if you are going to be deaf im not gonna let u back on.
lighting 2 : erm.........roger......sorry....can hear u now
aircraft departs -
Light 2 : permission to enter runway
long pause.............."only if you promise not to go deaf again"
light 2 : i wont
(possibly had to be there)
atc : lighting 2 vacate at XX
no reply
atc : lighting 2 ground
no reply
atc : lighting 2 vacate at XX
no reply
atc : lighting 3 can you see lighting 2, he has gone deaf.
short delay....................
lighting 2 : go ahead ground
atc : GET OFF MY RUNWAY
lighting 2 : sorry, vacated at XX
atc : if you are going to be deaf im not gonna let u back on.
lighting 2 : erm.........roger......sorry....can hear u now
aircraft departs -
Light 2 : permission to enter runway
long pause.............."only if you promise not to go deaf again"
light 2 : i wont
(possibly had to be there)
Heard a few days ago at LHR
BA 747 taxying out for 09R
"We have an problem with our No4 engine. Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut it down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?"
Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!:
GATWICK
YS
BA 747 taxying out for 09R
"We have an problem with our No4 engine. Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut it down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?"
Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!:
GATWICK
YS
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again perhaps you had to be there, also was tempted to post in the witty retorts thread due to the speed of the pilots reply! heard on quite busy international airport ground frequency..
baw*** : 'baw*** request taxi'
ground (curtly) : 'baw***, straighten up, hold before taxiway **'
baw*** : 'you sound like my parents, hold before **, baw***'
baw*** : 'baw*** request taxi'
ground (curtly) : 'baw***, straighten up, hold before taxiway **'
baw*** : 'you sound like my parents, hold before **, baw***'
The Cooler King
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Found a few more, as I know it's a sticky thread at this stage. Sorry if these are repeats! - Wayne
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
And a little off thread, but I loved this pic!
http://www.chris.brady.ukgateway.net/nicolasdrawing.jpg
Wayne
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."
And a little off thread, but I loved this pic!
http://www.chris.brady.ukgateway.net/nicolasdrawing.jpg
Wayne
The Cooler King
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Amendments to CAP 413 in Scottish FIR
Subject : Amendments to CAP 413 in Scottish FIR
Due to the recent inclement weather, there have been some instances of diversion to airports within the Scottish FIR. Needless to say passengers and aircrew alike have had extra difficulties on these occasions The following phraseology is applicable to aircrew having to visit Glasgow: (Translation: Rapast crappiwerra huzcozzed affue probs, wi’ra kites ‘n punters gawnaff taera rangtoons. Djutae ra probswi ralingo witcha forrintipes huv, heerza guidetae folla furra flyboys :-)
Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
Affirmative - Aye atsrite
Break - Hodoan
Correction - Aw****
How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
I say again - Wanmertime pal
Negative - Noway pal
Over - Overinnat
Out - Ahmoaf
Pass your message - Geezrapatter
Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
Roger - Okay pal
Say again - Geezrapatter again
Speak slower - Geezitininglish
Stand by - Hodoanahmbizzy
That is correct - Spotoan / Atsragemme
Verify - Yerjokin
Wilco - Naeborra
Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
Cleared to land - Getoan ragrunn
Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
Cleared take off - Oanyer bike / Oanyer wyepal
I trust the above will be of some assistance.
Due to the recent inclement weather, there have been some instances of diversion to airports within the Scottish FIR. Needless to say passengers and aircrew alike have had extra difficulties on these occasions The following phraseology is applicable to aircrew having to visit Glasgow: (Translation: Rapast crappiwerra huzcozzed affue probs, wi’ra kites ‘n punters gawnaff taera rangtoons. Djutae ra probswi ralingo witcha forrintipes huv, heerza guidetae folla furra flyboys :-)
Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
Affirmative - Aye atsrite
Break - Hodoan
Correction - Aw****
How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
I say again - Wanmertime pal
Negative - Noway pal
Over - Overinnat
Out - Ahmoaf
Pass your message - Geezrapatter
Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
Roger - Okay pal
Say again - Geezrapatter again
Speak slower - Geezitininglish
Stand by - Hodoanahmbizzy
That is correct - Spotoan / Atsragemme
Verify - Yerjokin
Wilco - Naeborra
Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
Cleared to land - Getoan ragrunn
Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
Cleared take off - Oanyer bike / Oanyer wyepal
I trust the above will be of some assistance.
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What short memories.
Did not nearly the whole of the Icelandic Airlines div into Glasgow a year or so ago when Iceland "went out" ?
Next day mass launch for home - 10 minutes apart at 61N.
Did not nearly the whole of the Icelandic Airlines div into Glasgow a year or so ago when Iceland "went out" ?
Next day mass launch for home - 10 minutes apart at 61N.
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Oh thank you for that !
I'm a lone scottish pilot here in canada and great to hear some languge from home !! Laughed out loud ! Anyone up for doing an irish one ?
divorcingjack
I'm a lone scottish pilot here in canada and great to hear some languge from home !! Laughed out loud ! Anyone up for doing an irish one ?
divorcingjack
The Cooler King
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divorcingjack......this is the best i could find......
Irish Pilots
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night,with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de' shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".
Irish Pilots
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night,with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de' shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".
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Mentor of mine many years agao at LATCC came out with a gem.
To an american pilot
"Descend 6000ft QNH 1011"
To which he replied
"Say maam could I have that in inches"
Without even thinking she replied
"Descend 72 thousand inches QNH 1011"
One I have to own up to
Outbound Monarch pilot called approaching FL190 I looked at the radar he was passing FL153, admittedly going up well, with out even thinking I turned to my co-ordinator and said "Lying B******" , to which he said I think you just transmitted that. I laughed usual windup, only to hear
"Oh yes sorry my mistake passing FL170"
OOPS
(Edited as I can't multiply 12 by 6000)
To an american pilot
"Descend 6000ft QNH 1011"
To which he replied
"Say maam could I have that in inches"
Without even thinking she replied
"Descend 72 thousand inches QNH 1011"
One I have to own up to
Outbound Monarch pilot called approaching FL190 I looked at the radar he was passing FL153, admittedly going up well, with out even thinking I turned to my co-ordinator and said "Lying B******" , to which he said I think you just transmitted that. I laughed usual windup, only to hear
"Oh yes sorry my mistake passing FL170"
OOPS
(Edited as I can't multiply 12 by 6000)
Last edited by MACC 29 all the time!!!!; 15th Oct 2004 at 13:17.
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<"We have an problem with our No4 engine. Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut it down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?"
Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!:
GATWICK>
AAhh.. Nice to know the spirit of comradeship still exists between Heathrow and Gatwick! Tee Hee!! (Old hands might understand - Sorry Tom and the boys!)
Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!:
GATWICK>
AAhh.. Nice to know the spirit of comradeship still exists between Heathrow and Gatwick! Tee Hee!! (Old hands might understand - Sorry Tom and the boys!)
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Witty retorts
Geez Jericho..... ".... highly unprofessional.."? Pull that broomstick out of your fundamental orifice, lighten up and enjoy yourself at work. We all need a laugh now and then, and there's nothing wrong with a witty retort now and then. It doesn't make you any less professional, just a bit more human. You ARE human, aren't you?
Lestump
>>
Jerricho
POD
posted 18th September 2004 11:25
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any witty retort that doesn't fall into "standard phraseology" would be seen as highly unprofessional and should be frowned upon.
Oops...... having read a bit further into the forum, maybe I should have been open to the possibility that Jericho was being a little facetious or sarcastic... ? If so, I apologise! If not...............
Lestump
>>
Jerricho
POD
posted 18th September 2004 11:25
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any witty retort that doesn't fall into "standard phraseology" would be seen as highly unprofessional and should be frowned upon.
Oops...... having read a bit further into the forum, maybe I should have been open to the possibility that Jericho was being a little facetious or sarcastic... ? If so, I apologise! If not...............
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MACC....
Are the USA inches different from the UK ones then? Over here one foot = 12" so 6,000' should = 72,000"
And just in case somebody thinks I'm nit-picking, I'm enjoying this thread nearly as much as the ATC Humour one
"Descend 6000ft QNH 1011..........."Descend 36 thousand inches QNH 1011"
Are the USA inches different from the UK ones then? Over here one foot = 12" so 6,000' should = 72,000"
And just in case somebody thinks I'm nit-picking, I'm enjoying this thread nearly as much as the ATC Humour one
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Years ago, Cessne 150 landed for a full stop.
At touch down (and during the first of many a bounce) the controller cleared the A/C via the high speed to some place on the airport. As quick as a flash the pilot replied "haven't finished yet"
At touch down (and during the first of many a bounce) the controller cleared the A/C via the high speed to some place on the airport. As quick as a flash the pilot replied "haven't finished yet"