ATC IssuesA place where pilots may enter the 'lions den' that is Air Traffic Control in complete safety and find out the answers to all those obscure topics which you always wanted to know the answer to but were afraid to ask.
Uzbhek123 calling from procedural airspace for radar ident prior to handover and descent.
UZB123, inbound.
Area: UZB123, squawk ident on 1234.
UZB123 squawking ident 1234, IL18, FL310, 67NM to *****, and we have admirals onboard, request descend now.
UZB123, identified, and say again last.
UZB123 request descent, we have admirals, admirals on board.
Panic now ensues as all the possibilities start racing thru the head- these guys are supposed to have diplomatic clearance, are they defecting, are they being chased, or are they just VIP status ?? etc etc.
then after a few minutes; UZB123 we have admirals, you know, livestock, on board.
Heard a good one during training. 'Helicopter XXX cleared hover taxi to dispersal and caution pedestrians', Readback ' Cleared hover taxi to dispersal and Roger the Pedestrians'
About a month ago I heard a private aircraft request transit though the overhead of a local airfield. It was granted by the female ATCO with an instruction to report overhead.
When the ATCO requested the a/c position a few minutes later, I was rather bemused to hear the male GA pilot reporting overhead as follows.
"I'm coming across you now"...with no callsigns and less than standard RT phraseology, I wasn't sure if this was my dirty mind or the pilot having a giggle...
One from t'other day
Gxxxx O/H John Lennon [Squeek] a/f
Gxxxx, Manc Apc, "Can I take some photies of J L Intl please?"
Manch Apc, "Gxx, have you got a camera?"
Gxx, "Yes"
Manch Apc, "Well carry on then"
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy
Pilot: "How far behind traffic are we?"
ATC: "Three miles."
Pilot: "That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
ATC: "You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you ... that's three miles."
A few years ago, a colleague of mine was teaching Gazelle to Army Student pilots at Middle Wallop. On one of the night navigation sorties, the route would take them out along the South coast and away from the more well known ATC lands. Here the students would be introduced to the services that could be offered by London Information. Earlier in the sortie the student had discovered that his PTT switch had a tendency to stick in and it was fast approaching the annoying stage. His opening call went as follows:
"London Information, Good evening, Army Air XXX, (then, discovering his switch had stuck again) "Aw you C**t!"
The totally unflustered reply came back "Army Air XXX, Good evening to you - you B@stard!"
Dunno details or whether its true or not but this made me laugh!!
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!"
and another:-
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. You make one more landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Cockpit: "The first officer says he's got the runway in sight."
ATC: "Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27Right ... you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."
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