ATC Humour (Merged)

[remedial boy]

Recently during an AD sortie:

"Neat be advised you are clipping your transmissions"

"Oger"

[Check 6]

O'Hare humour

"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?" "N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here"


"American 220...eenie, meenie, miney, moe...how do you hear my radio?"


"We were told runway 9...we'll take out the 14R approach plate." "Captain, you got 6 miles to take it out...have a ball!"


"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Rondstadt on you." "Linda Rondstadt?!? What's that????" "Well sir....they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'!


"I can see the country club down below...looks like a lot of controllers out there." "Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you!"


"Amtram 726, sorry 'bout that...Center thought you were a Midway arrival...just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies and we'll get you to Milwaukee."


"Approach, what's our sequence?" "Calling for sequence, I missed your call sign...but if I find out what it is, you're last"


"Approach, Southwest 436...you want US to turn right to 090???" "No, I want your brother to turn...just do it and don't argue!"


"Approach, United 525...what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?" "United 525...what makes you think it's your altitude?!?"


"Delta 1176, say speed" "Approach, we slowed to 220" "Delta 1176, pick it back up to 250...this ain't Atlanta and those ain't grits on the ground."

"Request runway 27 right." "Unable." "Approach...do you know that the wind at 6,000 ft is 270 at 50?" "Yeah I do...and if we could jack the airport up to 5,500 ft, you could have that runway...expect 14 right."


"Air Force 45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard... I see you've already ejected."


"Approach, what's the tower?" "A big tall building with glass all around it..."


"How far behind traffic are we?" "3 miles." "That doesn't look like 3 miles to us!" "Well, you're a mile and a half from him and he's a mile and a half from you, so that's 3 miles!"

[blondie118]

I had turned a ryan air on base leg but it was gioig to be a bit too tight to the aircraft in front ( i was aiming for about a 6 mile gap as requested by the tower).

I realised my mistake and asked him to turn left heading 090 to widen him out.

The ryan air repeated my instruction and also told me that he was wide enough!!

I couldn't help but giggle, I walked into that one!

I guess I'll have to take his word on what he said!

[andrijander]

Have u ever had one of those days when you wonder: why did i even bother leaving bed if it ain't worth it? That's today for me...here's a fresh one heard on 134.710 this noon:

me: TRAxxxy climb with 1500 feet/min or more until passing FL340

TRAxxxy: !!?? We are only cleared FL 320?

me: aw...roger...continue climb FL370 gimme 1500f/m or more until passing FL340


The thing is they were right. I was asked yesterday to go out clubbin' , now i guess I should have. At least I would have had an excuse, wouldn't I?

C ya.

[StuckMic_com]

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".



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[blondie118]

During my training I had to send an aircraft around, my exact words were;

"Go around, I say again go aroung, not ABOVE altitude 500ft!"

OOPS.

[AirNoServicesAustralia]

A common one I'm sure.

Busy Flustered Me: AirIndia123 Request your descent point.

AIC123: Ahhhhhh Say again...

Impatient Annoyed Me: I Say again!! Request your Descent Point...the Point you wish to begin your descent (in a very condascending tone)

AIC123: Well if you insist 100 NM to run Bombay.

Why funny you ask.... well I was doing arrivals into Dubai (UAE)...oops.. bloody overflyers they never fit in the sequence.

[timzsta]

A busy London sector:
"London good morning Lufthansa 443, level 240 request 280"
"Lufthansa 443 morning to you, maintain 240"
"Maintain 240 Lufthansa 443"
A couple of minutes later
"London, Lufthansa 443, request climb to 280"
"Lufthansa 443 maintain 240"
"Maintain 240 Lufthansa 443"
Shortly after
"London Lufthansa 443 request climb 280"
"Lufthansa 443, negative maintain 240"
"London Lufthansa 443 we are on a long sector we need to climb now to 280 or we wont make it to the destination due to the rate of fuel burn at this level"
"Lufthansa 443 if you climb now you wont make due to collision"

"Funsun 123, approach, turn left 330, intercept localiser from the left, call established, set QFE 1008"
"Left 330, to call established localiser and we have the QNH 1012 set thanks""
"Funsun 123, request you set QFE 1008"
"Its okay, we are quite happy with the QNH set thanks"
"Funsun 123 negative, the airfield procedures state the QFE is the landing datum, set QFE 1008"
"Well our Ops manual states that QNH is to be the landing datum, and we have it set"
"Negative Funsun 123, you must set QFE 1008"
"Listen matey, the we are fully established, gear is down 3 greens, full flap, landing checks complete, now if you dont mind I'd like to contact tower for the only thing I dont have - permission to land!"

And being ex Navy I just cannot resist this legendary exchange that took place a while back in the SW approaches in limited visibility

"Vessel 15 degrees of my port bow this is US warship, request you alter your course to avoid me"
"US warship this is vessel on your port bow, that is a negative"
"Vessel on my port bow this is US warship, the collision regulations state that you must in this situation alter course to avoid me"
"US warship this is vessel on your port bow I am unable to alter course, you must alter to avoid me"
"Vessel on my port bow this is the USS Enterprise, aircraft carrier of the United States Navy, alter course now to avoid me"
Finally exhaultedly triumphant English voice
"USS Enterprise this is lighthouse, your call over!"

Exchange on VHF channel between US carrier and smaller British carrier
US CVN "Morning, hows the second biggest navy in the world today"
RN CV "Fine thanks, hows the second best?"

[Banana99]

And being ex Navy I just cannot resist this legendary exchange that took place a while back in the SW approaches in limited visibility

"Vessel 15 degrees of my....."
<snip>
Finally exhaultedly triumphant English voice
"USS Enterprise this is lighthouse, your call over!"

Except of course it DIDN'T HAPPEN.

[Check 6]

Banana99, that is correct. This is one of the all-time internet hoaxes.

[Point Seven]

Heard at Blighty's busiest airport only hours ago...

TWR: BAW123 previous landing aircraft reported a dead bird to the left of the centreline in the touchdown zone.

BAW123: The co-pilot's flying the landing so we're liable to veer off to the right anyway.

[Simtech]

Further to the USS Enterprise/lighthouse confrontation, I witnessed a not too dissimilar incident during my time in the Merchant Navy.

Entering the Bay of Naples, we spotted the carrier USS Nimitz manoeuvering ahead of us. Our Captain (a wonderful Irishman) called her on the VHF to find out what she was doing so we could keep clear. The reply came back: we were not allowed to know what she was doing, as it was classified information!

This was the same Captain who had the following conversation with the owners of his ship after a slight incident:

Owner (disapproving): "Tell me Captain, why did you order three tugs to pull you off that sandbar?"

Captain: "Because I didn't think I'd need four!"


F27 on short finals on a very blustery day gets caught by a strong gust but manages to recover and makes a safe, if rather hard arrival.

Tower: "Oops, that was a bit of a Fokker!"
F27 Pilot: "Yes, it was almost the end of a beautiful Friendship!"

[timzsta]

Or maybe the USS Enterprise thing is just another conspiracy theory cover up job . Who knows, still it tickles people pink during after dinner speeches!

I have no proof it did so lets all beg to differ and let it pass. Lets not spoil this excellent thread with an argument, whether true or not, is at least amusing!

[Check 6]

timzsta - who is arguing? Who is differing? Why do you feel the need to stir the pot?

Let sleeping dogs sleep.

[andrijander]

heard this morning, a couple of hours ago actually, on 132.615 at Maastricht

--Departing American pilot checks in

--I asked him : do you have DIMES or SKATE in ur flight plan?

--pilot: do we have time for what?


A bit silly but made me laugh for 'bout half an hour....

[Dantruck]

Sheer pantomime!

Experienced some months ago while approaching to land a helicopter at a busy English airfield...

TOWER: "PA28 G-XXXX cleared to land 04 Hard."
G-XXXX: "Cleared to land 04 Hard G-XXXX."
TOWER: "Helicopter G-YYYY cleared to land 04 Grass and watch for inbound PA28 on finals."
ME: "Clear land 04 Grass - looking."
TOWER: "He's behind you."
SOME WAG ON FREQUENCY: "Oh no he's not..."
ANOTHER WAG ON FREQUENCY: "Oh yes he is..."

I was laughing so hard I couldn't hover.

[OscarTango]

While I was planning on the Coastal sector last week :

Female SAS-pilot : "Maastricht, there is a constant noise on the
frequency...".

Controller " SASXXX roger,.... Speedbird xxx, do you hear interference as well ?

Speedbird : negative...

Controller : SASXXX, can you describe the noise ?

SASXXX : it sounds like " wee-wee-wee-wee " ( in a high pitched voice )....

We all bursted out laughing

Next call was " Sounds like my wife..." from another pilot. Hilarious...

[StuckMic_com]

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."



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[Follow Me Through]

Mil v Civil

Old story from a RAF C-130 on a flag-stop at Dulles, Washington.

C-130 calls for start-up at same time as Speedbird 123(BA Concorde). Both given clearance and C-130 starts very quickly and asks for taxy clearance which he gets. C-130 then reverse taxis off stand and proceeds to pass the pride of BA with the witty RT comment -

"Speedbird 123 this is ASCOT 1234 - race you to the holding point!". Smug faces all round on the C-130 flight deck.

20 minutes later on the slow climb-out the C-130 crew hear the call "ASCOT 1234 this is Speedbird 123 - race you to Lands End!"

DOH!

[PFLsAgain]

Heard this weekend:

A/G: G-XXXX after you clear the active you can park at the back of the apron.
G-XXXX: confirm - you want me to park up the backside?
A/G: G-XXXX prefer you park at the back, were not navy here.
A/G: affirm, I'm an airforce man myself.

Made me chuckle.