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ATC Humour (Merged)

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ATC Humour (Merged)

Old 18th Sep 2002, 08:03
  #181 (permalink)  

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For: pennypitstop22

No its not me, but I work with the guy you are referring to. I'll make sure our friend knows you are asking about him and perhaps we can sort out some contact info.

And he still does all that sh!t. Very entertaining, very nice chap.

Cheers,

flowman
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Old 18th Sep 2002, 10:28
  #182 (permalink)  
 
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Thanks, flowman, I look forward to it! Tell him it's Claw that's asking about him.
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Old 18th Sep 2002, 21:40
  #183 (permalink)  
 
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Penny - Hello darling !
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Old 19th Sep 2002, 00:04
  #184 (permalink)  
 
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Jav:

I've told you before, you must not call me that. I'm respectible, now!
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Old 19th Sep 2002, 15:02
  #185 (permalink)  
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A couple of years ago, a A300 ST Beluga checking in :

"- Hello Bordeaux, this is Super Transporter F-AD, with you FL330.

- Super Transporter AD, bonjour, you're so lucky : this is Super Controller speaking !"

Made me really laugh back then...
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Old 20th Sep 2002, 08:24
  #186 (permalink)  
 
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Talking

It's an older one that happened here in LSZH. SWR 101 was on normal days a B747 inbound to Zurich from JFK. ACC called the APP controller and told them that SWR 101 was coming in with only 3 engines today (in fact it was an MD-11 on this day!) The Approach Controller immediately notified the fire brigade, everything was prepared for a one engine out landing with a 747. The pilots didn't get it as the APP ATCo told them that the fire brigade was ready, and the fire brigade was pretty upset, when they saw an MD-11 on final approach
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Old 20th Sep 2002, 09:01
  #187 (permalink)  
 
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Ladies and Gentlemen of Swanwick:

If you still haven't had enough of this wonderful humour and have a quiet period in your duties, may I suggest you get on the landline to EGBB tower. Assuming they are not busy also, you may persuade them to give you some of the gems that they have been assiduously collecting in a large volume for many years. I got a photocopy of it several years ago on one of my visits, and I do hope that it is still in operation.

Remember, EGBB was (is) the home of David (Bunny) Gunson!!!

Kindest regards, and thanks for all the wonderful control services received over the years.

P.P.
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Old 29th Sep 2002, 05:41
  #188 (permalink)  
 
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atc humour

Not long after a couple pilots were caught drinking and flying... controller working a busy enroute sector was querried about the rides ahead by a crew of the afformentioned airline.

yyz "how are the rides at 280?"

yyz cntlr to ual 737 4o mi ahead "ualxxx how is your ride?"

ualxxx " white caps on the coffee, toronto."

yyz to original pilot of afflicted airline(with perfect deadpan delivery)

"___xxx the ride is good for mixing drinks"

I am watching trainee...who is passing traffic between two heavies "...two thosand below"

pilot "hey yyz confirm traffic is 2000 below"

trainee " oh no sorry he is 2000 above"

pilot "O.K. thanks yyz, I thought I was upside down there for a moment"
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Old 29th Sep 2002, 09:00
  #189 (permalink)  
 
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Here are some rather weird ones I've heard in Jakarta...

1. CGK ATC trying to show the Europeans that we can direct traffic accordingly. (LH779 with JKT Arrivals)

"Jakarta Arrivals, Lufthansa779, passing FL345 for FL120 direct Delta Kilo India"
"Lufthansa779, Guten Tag, if you want, I can give you a 200 heading, descend at 5000 feet per minute down to 3000 on by the downwind 07L at max speed to be ahead of traffic. Do you want that sir?"
"Errr... errr.... ("Ja! let's do it" is heard in the background), OK we'll take that sir, heading 200 down to 3000 max speed and... 5000feet per minute?"
"Affirmative 779, report altitude now"
"Lufthansa779 passing 330" (16.46 local time)

I timed it...
(16.51) "Lufthansa779 contact approach on 1**.**, maintain speed until 3000 feet, we have heavy traffic behind"
"1**.** Lufthansa779"
(16.52)
"Jakarta Approach, Lufthansa779 at 3000 feet and slowing down"
"Lufthansa779, thank you for the fast descent, slow down to 220kts for traffic"

2. Why KLM causes confusion overshoots at CGK once in a while...
(KLM837 vs. Jakarta Approach)

"Jakarta approach, KLM837 passing 120 for 6000 on heading 230"
"KLM837, descend to 3000, cancel speed restriction"
"errr, KLM837 would like a self imposed 250knots below ten please. Do we have traffic behind?"
"KLM837, negative on speed, please maintain at least 280 knots, we have 5 behind you and tight"

3. How to handle poor English speaking pilots. (not meaning to be racists, we too have some very BAD pilots and ATCOs, but this one is neat!" (CGK Delivery vs. CS*** helped by CX710)

"Jakarta Delively, China Southern *** request clearance to Guangzhou"
"China Southern ***, cleared via route **** until **** and then to route **** flight level 370, what's your POB, registration and type please"
"China southern *** is Boeing 757, 1-8-6 on board, Bravo-####"
"China southern *** confirm route readback is correct please"
"China Southern *** is cleared to (and some unintelligable words)"
"China Southern ***, please readback again"
same thing happens... after 3 attempts,
"all stations this is Jakarta Clearance delivery, anyone speak Mandarin?"
Cathay710 offered help and problem was solved...

4. What we do to arrogant pilots. (CGK Ground & Tower vs. SQ161)

"Ground, Indonesia***, we've got generator failure. on txy A. Request tug please."
"Indonesia***, tug is on the way"
"Thai414, please use Bravo for 25R report passing the Indonesia 737"
"Thai414, err, we're inbetween alpha and bravo, and stuck sir"
"All station, this is Ground, All stations on northern side please STOP. Traffic jam"
"Singapore161, Ground, please standby"
"Singapore161 cannot accept ANY delay sir, we must depart immediately, can we use 25L, we don't mind the taxy."

So SQ161 was cleared to taxy all the way around the airport to the other side.
However, he had to hold short of a few incoming traffic to the southern terminal. SQ161 was not pleased.

"Singapore161, hold short of taxiway Kilo (or something) for incoming Merpati737"
"Singapore161, holding short, can we fast taxy to 25R please sir, we're running late now"
"161 standby"
"Thai414, Indonesia*** is now clear of you, proceed to 25R via alpha"

The race was on between TG414 for 25R and SQ161 for 25L... An A333 racing down alpha, and a 744 racing down delta... each is out of sight of the other.

"Singapore161 approaching holding 25L, request immediate take off."
"NEGATIVE 161, hold short of 25L"
"Thai414, thank you for your patience, behind approaching Garuda737, cancel SID, track direct PLB when airborne, line up 25R, standby for clearance"
"Singapore161, please hold short25L, we have 2 landing for 25L"
"Singapore161 is ready for rolling take off SIR!" (he's voice, already annoying the controllers, became more annoying)
"161 hold short... Mandala073 cleared to land 25L"
Then, "Mandala493, cleared to land 25L"
"Thai414, cleared for take off 25R"
"Singapore161, after Mandala493 on short finals, line up 25L"
after the Mandala493,
"SINGAPORE161 IS READY FOR TAKE OFF 25L"
"Singapore161, maintain position to maintain separation with Thai414"
"&&*^&^$#^@" from SQ161.

5. Last but not least... don't annoy controllers, they can REALLY waste your money. (Halim Tower vs. USAF171)

"Halim Tower, Air Force 171 on outer marker, missed approach ILS runway 24."
"Air Force 171, can you go back to outer marker please we have 4 coming in on 06"
"Negative for 171, we're already down on the ILS 24."
"PK-TSN, Tower, Cleared to land runway 06, ALL STATIONS be advised Airforce171 is on ILS24 for missed approach, upon go around, turn hard right to 180 at 1500 feet and await further instructions"
"PK-TSN go around as instructed, aircraft on the runway"
"PK-TSN heading 180 and climb to 1500"
"Air Force171 missing approach, and What the ! WHY IS HE SO CLOSE?"
"Air Force171 turn to 010, Climb to 5000, contact approach"
"171, we're going to do another approach sir!"
"Airforce 171, TURN TO 010, CLIMB TO 5000, CONTACT APPROACH"

"Approach, Air Force171, climbing to 5000 runway turning to 010"
"Air Force171, to keep you from chaos, track to and hold on outermarker runway 24 and climb to 6000 until traffic is cleared."
"errr, how many is coming ?"
"AirForce171, there is still 6 coming in for 06, expect hold for 45 minutes"

6. An ATCO that may need his brain replaced.

A few days ago, GA210 I think, was going Jakarta-Jogjakarta. Planned route is PW NDB(Purwakarta) -BDO VOR (Bandung) -CLP VOR (Cilacap) and then to Jogjakarta. Here it goes...

"Jakarta, Indonesia210, on climb passing 140 for flight level 240 tracking direct to Papa Whiskey, requesting direct Charlie Lima Papa"
"Indonesia210, climb to flight level 280 and track direct Charlie Lima Papa"
"Direct Cilacap and Flight Level 280 thank you, Indonesia210"
"It's Charlie Lima Papa 210. You say Cilacap again and you'll track original planned route and I will report you. Now repeat clearance please."
"errr, sorry sir. Flight Level 280 and direct Charlie.... Lima... Papa... Indonesia210"

Hope you enjoy these... they happened !
PK-KAR
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Old 29th Sep 2002, 09:50
  #190 (permalink)  
 
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david gunson

what is david gunson doing now? im guessing hes retired , my brother in law heard his after dinner spech a couple of years ago, he thought he was excellent.
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Old 29th Sep 2002, 23:08
  #191 (permalink)  
 
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"Bunny" Gunson is at a venue near"Stockport" very soon.
Time, venue and Price ASAP

we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy
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Old 5th Oct 2002, 19:05
  #192 (permalink)  
 
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Talking

Someone touched on the Dan Air hilarious R/T moment at Aberdeen. I could not resist telling it again.

A Dan Air flight is running late into Aberdeen and he eventually changes from Scottish to Aberdeen Approach.

A/C 'Aberdeen Good day its the F*****g Dan Air 123.

An uncomfortable pause lasts for a few moments and the controller eventually responds as he would normally would. However despite the controller using the correct callsign the pilot operating the R/T still persisted in saying 'F*****g Dan Air 123'.

The flight was handed over to the tower frequency and the pilot continued to use this 'modified' callsign. The tower controller was just as surprised as their colleague was on approach but nevertheless the pilot continued to use the modified callsign right until the aircraft taxied onto stand.

When the aircraft pulled onto stand the pilot called tower and suggested that they should listen to the current ATIS.

The ATIS was recorded as normal however in the background you could hear a certain Approach controller shout out 'Where is that F******g Dan Air'.

A good laugh!

MG
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Old 6th Oct 2002, 02:26
  #193 (permalink)  
 
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Heard this on a company frequency;

" All our toilets are not working. Can we have permission to give the passengers comp drinks?"

Wonders will never cease!!!
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Old 6th Oct 2002, 19:40
  #194 (permalink)  
 
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Bunny Gunson
Cheadle WMC 25 per ticket
SOLD OUT
Boldocks!
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy
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Old 9th Oct 2002, 05:10
  #195 (permalink)  
 
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ATC: "The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
Pilot: "Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
ATC: "Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

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Old 9th Oct 2002, 12:28
  #196 (permalink)  
 
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Take my Wife...............................No please take her!

<Rolling around on the floor>

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Old 9th Oct 2002, 17:12
  #197 (permalink)  
 
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Got a 3yr old Ka for the "ex" yesterday,
Bl**dy good swap if you ask me
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy
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Old 11th Oct 2002, 11:48
  #198 (permalink)  
 
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Trainee Controller "Dash 1, turn right heading 370"

Dash 1 "Confirm right 370?"

Trainee Controller "Er... Negative Left 370"

We laughed out loud for ages.
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Old 12th Oct 2002, 07:09
  #199 (permalink)  
 
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Talking

Hello. Wanna share with ya all something that happened yesterday at maastricht freq 132.615:

Controller: UALXXX contact maastricht on 132.085
Pilot1: roger, maastricht 132.085* UALXXX
*:at this time, the other pilot starts as well the readback and you could hear "in stereo" the same correct reply....
Cont: UALXXX you are both correct
no reply
A couple of transmissions later UALXXX comes back and says: maas, can you confirm the freq was 134865??, we got no reply there...

I know for this guys it can be pretty hard when they have been flying for 13 hours...but they had just departed!!I remember you have coffe on board, use it!!
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Old 12th Oct 2002, 11:06
  #200 (permalink)  
 
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Uzbhek123 calling from procedural airspace for radar ident prior to handover and descent.

UZB123, inbound.

Area: UZB123, squawk ident on 1234.

UZB123 squawking ident 1234, IL18, FL310, 67NM to *****, and we have admirals onboard, request descend now.

UZB123, identified, and say again last.

UZB123 request descent, we have admirals, admirals on board.

Panic now ensues as all the possibilities start racing thru the head- these guys are supposed to have diplomatic clearance, are they defecting, are they being chased, or are they just VIP status ?? etc etc.

then after a few minutes; UZB123 we have admirals, you know, livestock, on board.
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