Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
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Saturday Morning, 8 am, my wife sleeping peacefully, I got up early, dressed quietly, made sandwiches, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage to get out the car, and started to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered very quietly, "The weather's terrible out there." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that ****?"
A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home one night when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that twenty-four gear bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that twenty-four gear bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".
Heaven or Hell?
There once was a helicopter pilot who lived his whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people he worked for. In fact, he made sure that every job he did resulted in a win-win situation for somone. One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus and he died.
His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a helicopter pilot make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the master of all things with a rotorhead.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" said the pilot in fine smart-ass tradition. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put our hero in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and our aviator friend found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - guys, that he had worked with and they were all dressed in party suits, and blue jeans, wearing cowboy hats, and looking like a very non-standard, but happy group, and cheering for him. They ran up and shook his hand, and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. Our wizzard of rotorwinged flight met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy, and not at all like a senior officer. He had a great time drinking, telling jokes, drinking, and telling war stories, drinking, and dancing. Oh, and there was some drinking.
Our aviator was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good-bye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So our faithful pilot spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got him. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity. "The master of all that has rotorblades paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the pilot went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around him. "I don't understand," stammered the (seldom) confused helicopter pilot , "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster And we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at him and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
There once was a helicopter pilot who lived his whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people he worked for. In fact, he made sure that every job he did resulted in a win-win situation for somone. One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus and he died.
His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a helicopter pilot make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the master of all things with a rotorhead.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" said the pilot in fine smart-ass tradition. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put our hero in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and our aviator friend found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - guys, that he had worked with and they were all dressed in party suits, and blue jeans, wearing cowboy hats, and looking like a very non-standard, but happy group, and cheering for him. They ran up and shook his hand, and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. Our wizzard of rotorwinged flight met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy, and not at all like a senior officer. He had a great time drinking, telling jokes, drinking, and telling war stories, drinking, and dancing. Oh, and there was some drinking.
Our aviator was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good-bye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So our faithful pilot spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got him. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity. "The master of all that has rotorblades paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the pilot went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around him. "I don't understand," stammered the (seldom) confused helicopter pilot , "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster And we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at him and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
For all of you in the northern winter:
Bob and his wife live in Wisconsin. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through" Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through. Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies...
"Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Bob and his wife live in Wisconsin. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through" Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through. Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies...
"Where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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The flight is on its way to Barbados when a blonde in Economy gets up, moves to First Class and sits down. The flight attendant sees this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for the Economy section and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Barbados, and I'm staying right here!”
The flight attendant goes to the flight deck and tells the captain and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy Class she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Barbados, and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the captain it was no use and the flight attendant suggests he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The captain says, "I'll handle it. I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class doesn't go to Barbados.”
The flight attendant goes to the flight deck and tells the captain and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy Class she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Barbados, and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the captain it was no use and the flight attendant suggests he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The captain says, "I'll handle it. I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class doesn't go to Barbados.”
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Everyone who has ever bought a house can enjoy this - it's too good not to share! New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(actual letter)
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA,took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.
I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(actual letter)
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA,took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.
I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.
Hovering AND talking
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Brian, having owned a cottage which dated back to 1640 and had to explain to the mortgagor that no, it did not have building regulations compliance, I find that too true to be funny!
Cheers
Whirls
Cheers
Whirls
You built the house when you first married did you Whirls?
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cheeez Sas, and they say that NOE aviation is dangerous, back to the keyboard for another tune quick time mate!
That joke i remembered the other day~ at an outback race meeting a few years ago a few Ringers (cowhands), mustering pilots and itinerants (other drunks like drillers) were doing the usual social adjustment prior to the next working week and the talk turned to the usual and the deadly consequence.
Now one said driller is one who drinks - stutters - and doesn't talk much - and drinks.
one young feller reckons, "yer aren't a man till yer've had the pox seven times!"
This impressed the silent driller something mightily, so after a somewhat pregnant silence, he stutters, "wwwww- weeeeeelll ah ttttell yer, I mmmmust bbe f'n superman!"
That joke i remembered the other day~ at an outback race meeting a few years ago a few Ringers (cowhands), mustering pilots and itinerants (other drunks like drillers) were doing the usual social adjustment prior to the next working week and the talk turned to the usual and the deadly consequence.
Now one said driller is one who drinks - stutters - and doesn't talk much - and drinks.
one young feller reckons, "yer aren't a man till yer've had the pox seven times!"
This impressed the silent driller something mightily, so after a somewhat pregnant silence, he stutters, "wwwww- weeeeeelll ah ttttell yer, I mmmmust bbe f'n superman!"
Hovering AND talking
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How could you say such a thing? 
I was flying from Atlanta to Seattle. There had been a one hour delay getting from gate to the runway and everybody on board was ticked. We stopped in Salt Lake City on the way. Upon landing in SLC, the flight attendant explained that there would be another hour delay before the SLC passengers boarded, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the Captain approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're delayed for almost an hour, Wouldn't you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you mind taking him out for me please?"
Now picture this.
All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog!
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the Captain approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're delayed for almost an hour, Wouldn't you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you mind taking him out for me please?"
Now picture this.
All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog!
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Grandson says to Grandad, I'm doing a project on the war grandad have you got anything I can perhaps take into class. Well grandad says in the cupboard are all my medals. Grandson says, great, thank you, is there anything else I can take grandad. Well he says, up stairs in the bedroom draw is a luger pistol I got off a german chap, you can take that, but be careful. The grandson is delighted with this, but just not that satisfied, so says grandad this is great, but, I would like some other bits too grandad if you have them..... Grandad thinks, oh yes, he said up in the loft is my old uniform, but be careful, I would like it all returned safely. 'No probs' grandson says and goes looking for the uniform, after a while goes past he shouts "Grandad I can't find the uniform"! Grandad replies "Its hanging on the tank! The grandson fires back as quick as a flash. "Bloody hell grandad you got a tank up here too"!!!! 
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Heliport, is this chapter 2 to your golfing tale?
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man!
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your football season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man!
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your football season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"
The CAA Inspector confronted a helicopter pilot on the ramp at Aberdeen as the pilot was walking into OPS and shouted at him "Have you been sleeping with my wife?"
The pilot smiled and said "not a wink!"
The Company CEO was making a tour of company facilities.
Since he was the most Senior Executive, and thus very important, he was given the Sikorsky 76 to ferry him from factory to factory.
They had been visiting company sites most of the day and the CEO came back to the chopper only to see the cowlings open and the Pilot deep in the inner workings of the chopper.
The CEO asked the pilot what was wrong.
The pilot as is typical of pilots launched into an extremely complex and detailed technical explanation of exactly what was wrong with the aircraft.
The Boss listened to him for a couple of minutes and then said "Stop! Now look here, you're paid for your technical expertise and skill, and its obvious you have that, but the other thing you need to do is to be able to communicate to others what's wrong in terms they can understand.
Now what I want you to do is to tell me what's wrong with that chopper in words I can understand".
The pilot thought for a moment and then said, "OK Boss"...I think I can do that."
The Pilot turned around, pointed at the helicopter, and said "UGH.....Fecked!"
The pilot smiled and said "not a wink!"
The Company CEO was making a tour of company facilities.
Since he was the most Senior Executive, and thus very important, he was given the Sikorsky 76 to ferry him from factory to factory.
They had been visiting company sites most of the day and the CEO came back to the chopper only to see the cowlings open and the Pilot deep in the inner workings of the chopper.
The CEO asked the pilot what was wrong.
The pilot as is typical of pilots launched into an extremely complex and detailed technical explanation of exactly what was wrong with the aircraft.
The Boss listened to him for a couple of minutes and then said "Stop! Now look here, you're paid for your technical expertise and skill, and its obvious you have that, but the other thing you need to do is to be able to communicate to others what's wrong in terms they can understand.
Now what I want you to do is to tell me what's wrong with that chopper in words I can understand".
The pilot thought for a moment and then said, "OK Boss"...I think I can do that."
The Pilot turned around, pointed at the helicopter, and said "UGH.....Fecked!"
Last edited by SASless; 21st Jan 2007 at 02:28.
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The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says........... "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
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The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Ifrika and one from New Zulland, each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. "Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sex min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends"
Ilan from South Ifrica who typically can't stand to be bettered said: "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today"
Terry, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Ifrika and one from New Zulland, each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. "Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sex min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends"
Ilan from South Ifrica who typically can't stand to be bettered said: "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today"
Terry, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
Age: 57
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Man was laying in bed, gets up early, really quiet not to wake the wife as he's going hunting. He goes downstiars and after making his sandwiches opens up the garage door, and the rain is going sideways! its windy, cold, just really horrible. So, he puts the garage door back down creeps back upstairs, creeps into bed and whispers in his wifes ear "Its horrible out there" and the wife replies " Can you believe my husbands gone hunting in that!!!!!!!!! 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia
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Another variation on an old theme.
The Tax Office decides to audit Rick, and summons him to the Tax Office.
The Tax Office auditor is not surprised when Rick shows up with his solicitor. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Office finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Rick. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Rick says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Rick removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Rick says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Rick isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Rick removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Rick's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Rick asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt , so he agrees again. Rick stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Rick's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Rick told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
The Tax Office decides to audit Rick, and summons him to the Tax Office.
The Tax Office auditor is not surprised when Rick shows up with his solicitor. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Office finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Rick. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Rick says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Rick removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Rick says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Rick isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Rick removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Rick's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Rick asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt , so he agrees again. Rick stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Rick's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Rick told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.