Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
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Non aviation joke, good one nonetheless..hope it none offensive.
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed, reading.
"This is the pig i have sex with when you`ve got a headache."
"I think you`ll find that`s a sheep,"says his wife.
"And i think you`ll find," says the man, "that i was talking to the sheep."
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed, reading.
"This is the pig i have sex with when you`ve got a headache."
"I think you`ll find that`s a sheep,"says his wife.
"And i think you`ll find," says the man, "that i was talking to the sheep."
A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an officer from the local AF base walked in and said to the shopkeeper 'I'll take a 6114 monkey, please.'The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the officer, saying, 'That'll be $2,000, please.' The officer paid and left with the monkey.The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?'The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Air Force Personal Fitness Test, set up a perimeter defense and perform the duties of any enlisted man with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money'.The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' he asked.'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper. 'That's a 'Maintenance Supervisor' monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed'.The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag was $50,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, 'This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?''Actually' said the shopkeeper 'I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Pilot.'
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't....No one wants to hear me sing
HT
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't....No one wants to hear me sing
HT
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A great laugh!
but the truth
MORAL DILEMMA
This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's a very
important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions. (Smithy could be busy again)
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in
the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You
move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is...
It's Kevin Rudd!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:1. You can save his life; or
2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the country's most powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white
but the truth
MORAL DILEMMA
This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's a very
important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions. (Smithy could be busy again)
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in
the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You
move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is...
It's Kevin Rudd!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:1. You can save his life; or
2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the
death of one of the country's most powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white
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A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said.
'Just look at you ... you have no legs!'
The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the door bell, didn't I?'
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said.
'Just look at you ... you have no legs!'
The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the door bell, didn't I?'
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday
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It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat ?' she says.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw ? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat ?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her !'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
'It's The Twist, Mother ! The Twist ! It's called The Twist !'
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw ? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat ?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her !'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
'It's The Twist, Mother ! The Twist ! It's called The Twist !'
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At a singles bar a girl wandered up to a man and said,
"Hi, I'm Jaguar Prada."
He replied, "My that's a lovely but unusual name."
"Oh my mum named me after her favourite things, what's your name?"
"BJ Titsangolf."
"Hi, I'm Jaguar Prada."
He replied, "My that's a lovely but unusual name."
"Oh my mum named me after her favourite things, what's your name?"
"BJ Titsangolf."
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A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:
'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'
The new husband replies:
'It isn't that bad. Past the first couple of inches, it's all brand new.'
Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:
'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'
The new husband replies:
'It isn't that bad. Past the first couple of inches, it's all brand new.'
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Sorry, but we've just had him in town, and no I ain't a believer.
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?''Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 180 kph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and eighty.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the f$#@*&% Pope as a chauffeur!'
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?''Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 180 kph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and eighty.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the f$#@*&% Pope as a chauffeur!'
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A Northern Territory jackaroo (farm hand) radios back to the farm manager.
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a ..303Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'
'..............You there Boss?
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a ..303Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'
'..............You there Boss?
For all you husbands out there that have had thoughts about turning the table on yer Missus.....you might consider the ups and downs to that concept.
Kim Komando’s Video of the Day » Blog Archive » Wife and gun prank
Kim Komando’s Video of the Day » Blog Archive » Wife and gun prank
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| Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?. In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''.
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty".
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?. In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''.
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty".
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
US Army Warrant Officer Helicopter Pilot Humour
Whilst in a singles bar one evening....a good looking blonde turned to the young man standing next to her....she, having already downed a few Cherry Bombs, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here, Good Looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded : "No kidding. I'm an Army helicopter pilot too.
What unit are you with?"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded : "No kidding. I'm an Army helicopter pilot too.
What unit are you with?"
