Supply Stupidities
Interesting about the imprest tales.
I had to return one following a few days away in Europe, and a few days later got a telephone call from accounts to say that my imprest was .10p short and could I come to SHQ and pay it. I asked if they were ‘joking’ and was eventually ordered to go down there and pay it by my boss.
I had to return one following a few days away in Europe, and a few days later got a telephone call from accounts to say that my imprest was .10p short and could I come to SHQ and pay it. I asked if they were ‘joking’ and was eventually ordered to go down there and pay it by my boss.
Cannot remember which Tornado unit I was on at the time, but some bright spark saw gearbox oil in the RAF supply network and being clever and resourceful decided that gearbox oil must be for vehicles and as the Army had control of vehicle consumables the item was duly transferred to Army control, so one less item to be stored and managed by the RAF supply chain.
On ordering some oil for the Wing Sweep Actuator Gearboxes for said Tornado I was informed that item was Army controlled and for vehicle use only, on asking who had decided this, no answer forthcoming, and were they aware that a Tornado aircraft was now grounded by this daft notion, silence from other end, it took a while for some clever people to try and get ground use oil back into the RAF supply chain so it could be issued and used for the only ‘vehicle’ it was used in.
On ordering some oil for the Wing Sweep Actuator Gearboxes for said Tornado I was informed that item was Army controlled and for vehicle use only, on asking who had decided this, no answer forthcoming, and were they aware that a Tornado aircraft was now grounded by this daft notion, silence from other end, it took a while for some clever people to try and get ground use oil back into the RAF supply chain so it could be issued and used for the only ‘vehicle’ it was used in.
POL IPT procures grease according to spec. First prop spinner has a grease top up, short time later, engineer walking across hangar notices there is water dripping from the prop spinner. Investigation reveals OEM spec is a lithium-based grease, and the IPT procured a clay-based grease, because “it met the spec and was best value for money”. Lithium- and clay-based grease make water when mixed, which is ideal for use at FL nosebleed where the temp is renowned for being a teeny bit below zero.
And aircraft deployed at overseas location, based on a blindingly near-white concrete dispersal, eye wateringly bright in the sun, which was every day. Request sunglasses issue for engineers. Can’t have them, because “it’s not hot enough”. “Have you ever been skiing…?”. Engineers authorised locally to wear their own sunglasses, which pleasingly wound the army up immensely!
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Back in the 70s I went to Stores in Valley to sign out my ejection seat leg restraints.
"Sorry" I was told, "We only have one left in stock".
"Thats OK. I'll come back when you have some more".
"No. You have to sign out the one leg restraint because we can't order a new box until the current stock has gone".
And so I spent a week with just one leg restraint (fortunately during the Ground School phase although I had to borrow a leg restraint for my Hawk famil ride). It transpired that they came in boxes of seven.
"Sorry" I was told, "We only have one left in stock".
"Thats OK. I'll come back when you have some more".
"No. You have to sign out the one leg restraint because we can't order a new box until the current stock has gone".
And so I spent a week with just one leg restraint (fortunately during the Ground School phase although I had to borrow a leg restraint for my Hawk famil ride). It transpired that they came in boxes of seven.
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Another area in which the Gnat was better! No need for pilots to have their own leg restraints, because the Folland seat had fixed-length leg restraint straps with leg garters permanently attached to the straps!
When Group Captain Barwood (Safety Equipment guru) went from Farnborough to RAFG his first port of call was a Harrier squadron to see how they were getting on with the new external g-suits. Blank looks. Off he went to Rheidahlen to see the suppliers. "Oh yes we've had them in for a while but we're waiting for the jackets before we issue them!"
Ecce Homo! Loquitur...
Since the thread seems to be digressing to money matters.
Back in 79 I was deployed to Butcher Radar in Belize to help defend the skies. Spent 10 weeks sunbathing, on trips to keys and fishing as there were never more than one Harrier serviceable.
Spent loads of money drawn on a pay book issued for the detachment through the army on camp - reasoning that it was the only time I would be there and best to make the most of it.
Went home and waited for massive deductions to be taken from pay, which never happened.
It’s been 44 years - I think I’ve got away with it….
Back in 79 I was deployed to Butcher Radar in Belize to help defend the skies. Spent 10 weeks sunbathing, on trips to keys and fishing as there were never more than one Harrier serviceable.
Spent loads of money drawn on a pay book issued for the detachment through the army on camp - reasoning that it was the only time I would be there and best to make the most of it.
Went home and waited for massive deductions to be taken from pay, which never happened.
It’s been 44 years - I think I’ve got away with it….
Nobody told a story better than the much lamented Danny42C on the Brevet thread, and few were funnier than his account of collecting urgent spares from St. Athan. When I mention that his delivery vehicle was a Spitfire, you'll get the picture. But be warned: this thread is the greatest time-waster on the planet, Danny was a master of the wandering tale, and as soon as you open his post #3620 on page 181 you'll be there for several hours.
I drew a line on my map, put a protractor on it, took a Spitfire and got airborne. It was a lovely day and ...
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Sardinia, and an Italian bank holiday, one of the guys had been chatting for over a year to an Italian girl he had met in Rome, so a long bank Holiday trip was arranged to see her.
Wanting to have a good weekend off he trotted to accounts and changed a large amount of cash into Lira. He arrives in Rome and goes to buy something with the notes Deci had exchanged for him to be told they were only valid in Sardinia,
so there he was skint in Rome on a Bank Holiday. He went to the British Consulate who called out the RAF consulate member who came in and gave him money to cover it out of his own wallet to be sorted when he revisited Accounts on Sardinia.
.
Wanting to have a good weekend off he trotted to accounts and changed a large amount of cash into Lira. He arrives in Rome and goes to buy something with the notes Deci had exchanged for him to be told they were only valid in Sardinia,
so there he was skint in Rome on a Bank Holiday. He went to the British Consulate who called out the RAF consulate member who came in and gave him money to cover it out of his own wallet to be sorted when he revisited Accounts on Sardinia.
.
Last edited by NutLoose; 21st Jan 2024 at 17:37.
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It’s not just military folk who need a well targeted kick. I may have recounted this tale before, but here goes:
I was building the cooling system for a car and needed a length of half inch diameter heater hose. I went to my local Halfords, where I’d bought it from not long before.
I told the young assistant what I needed. He told me they didn’t sell it. I pointed out a box of it sitting very prominently behind him on a shelf. He climbed a step ladder, looked at it and said “No, no this is 12.7mm, not half inch”!
Rather than point out his poor grasp of arithmetic, I said I’d take that instead. He got the box down and warned me that although he would sell me some, they wouldn’t take it back if it didn’t fit…. I said it will be OK.
The counter had a graduated brass ruler fixed along the long edge of the counter, on his side.
He then asked how much I wanted. I actually wanted a length of about five feet, but rather than trouble his metric only mind further, I said I’d like a metre and a half. “Oh no, we can only sell this by the metre” he replied. “In that case”, says I, “No problem, I’ll take two metres”.
I then watched as he measured out a one metre length of hose on the counter and was about to cut it off with a Stanley knife. “No, no!” says I, “I need TWO metres!”
”Yes, I know, but like I said, we only sell it by the metre; I’m going to cut you two metre lengths off”.
At that stage I told him to put the Stanley knife down and to go and fetch his manager….
I later triumphed though. The next time I went back, for something else, they were selling the entire stocks of heater hose off for ten pence per metre, instead of the previous £3.50 per metre. I bought the whole lot, which was an unused reel each of 12.7mm, 16mm and 19mm for a total of £4.50. When I got them home, I realised I had actually bought 30 metres of each, rather than the 15 metres the manager had thought the reels contained.
I’ll never have to buy more heater hose as long as I live!
I was building the cooling system for a car and needed a length of half inch diameter heater hose. I went to my local Halfords, where I’d bought it from not long before.
I told the young assistant what I needed. He told me they didn’t sell it. I pointed out a box of it sitting very prominently behind him on a shelf. He climbed a step ladder, looked at it and said “No, no this is 12.7mm, not half inch”!
Rather than point out his poor grasp of arithmetic, I said I’d take that instead. He got the box down and warned me that although he would sell me some, they wouldn’t take it back if it didn’t fit…. I said it will be OK.
The counter had a graduated brass ruler fixed along the long edge of the counter, on his side.
He then asked how much I wanted. I actually wanted a length of about five feet, but rather than trouble his metric only mind further, I said I’d like a metre and a half. “Oh no, we can only sell this by the metre” he replied. “In that case”, says I, “No problem, I’ll take two metres”.
I then watched as he measured out a one metre length of hose on the counter and was about to cut it off with a Stanley knife. “No, no!” says I, “I need TWO metres!”
”Yes, I know, but like I said, we only sell it by the metre; I’m going to cut you two metre lengths off”.
At that stage I told him to put the Stanley knife down and to go and fetch his manager….
I later triumphed though. The next time I went back, for something else, they were selling the entire stocks of heater hose off for ten pence per metre, instead of the previous £3.50 per metre. I bought the whole lot, which was an unused reel each of 12.7mm, 16mm and 19mm for a total of £4.50. When I got them home, I realised I had actually bought 30 metres of each, rather than the 15 metres the manager had thought the reels contained.
I’ll never have to buy more heater hose as long as I live!
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Hope you have a Halfords discount card. I have 
https://www.halfords.com/motoring/tr...d-sign-up.html
https://www.halfords.com/motoring/tr...d-sign-up.html
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The bin rats and money miss managers have been taking a beating on this thread so to be fair I will cop to a action that may have very slightly resulted in the finance folks in a certain base thinking less highly of sea going officers. I was a very young Lt entrusted with my first command, a 110 foot cutter. This is in the early 1980's when getting fuel and supplies at the smaller ports was usually handled with cash. So I was issued a cheque for $10,000 and told to go a local bank to get it cashed. I carefully folded the cheque and put it the breast pocket of my shirt carefully making sure the button was done up so the cheque was safe.
I was told to arrange an MP escort to the bank but got busy with other things and realized I was not going to make the bank before closing time so I arranged with the MP's to meet me the next day to go collect the money. I was living ashore and the walk to the wardroom was hot and sweaty. Realizing that I had no clean shirts for the next day I did a laundry.......
Yup my claim to fame is I laundered $ 10,000 of public funds....
Oh how the finance guys had fun with me when I brought the little ball of fluff that was the remains of the cheque in the next day.
I was told to arrange an MP escort to the bank but got busy with other things and realized I was not going to make the bank before closing time so I arranged with the MP's to meet me the next day to go collect the money. I was living ashore and the walk to the wardroom was hot and sweaty. Realizing that I had no clean shirts for the next day I did a laundry.......
Yup my claim to fame is I laundered $ 10,000 of public funds....
Oh how the finance guys had fun with me when I brought the little ball of fluff that was the remains of the cheque in the next day.
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Nutloose,
I don’t have a Halfords trade card, but I do hold a Motor Sports Association RS Clubman licence, which allows me a discount on many of their items. I also have my own account at a local motor factor, who offer me a discount on many items they sell.
I don’t have a Halfords trade card, but I do hold a Motor Sports Association RS Clubman licence, which allows me a discount on many of their items. I also have my own account at a local motor factor, who offer me a discount on many items they sell.
Command accounts were a funny lot.
A month or so into the FY they would be asking why I had not spent any money: "Because you haven't told me how much money I have got to spend yet"
So they would tell me how much money I had and I would immediately order IT, to the value of the budget, for the Stations in the Command as per my "master plan"
This would cause a panic because Accts could only do straight line graphs, so they were now convinced I was heading for an overspend.
Once all the orders had been placed, I would stop spending, they would relax and, for a few weeks, I a paragon of accountancy virtue as their graph was now pointing in the right direction.
Then they would have an underspend elsewhere and, because I was good at spending money quickly, they would give me the money which I would use for the units I had had to disappoint in the first spend.
Oddly, Accts would then be bemused by the sudden jump in my next long term costing when I factored in the need to replace all the kit that had been bought with the underspend.
A month or so into the FY they would be asking why I had not spent any money: "Because you haven't told me how much money I have got to spend yet"
So they would tell me how much money I had and I would immediately order IT, to the value of the budget, for the Stations in the Command as per my "master plan"
This would cause a panic because Accts could only do straight line graphs, so they were now convinced I was heading for an overspend.
Once all the orders had been placed, I would stop spending, they would relax and, for a few weeks, I a paragon of accountancy virtue as their graph was now pointing in the right direction.
Then they would have an underspend elsewhere and, because I was good at spending money quickly, they would give me the money which I would use for the units I had had to disappoint in the first spend.
Oddly, Accts would then be bemused by the sudden jump in my next long term costing when I factored in the need to replace all the kit that had been bought with the underspend.
Early days of Op Corporate ( FI unpleasantness ) in April 82. VC10C with a load of Hooligans, en-route to ASI via Dakar in Senegal, to catch
grey funnel line transport to the action, NO cash issued in the imprest as "not needed as only RAF manned destinations and diversions will be used"
Then, of course, both Dakar and Banjul, the diversion, are fogged out, so aircraft diverts to Nouakchott in Mauritania as only option available.
Asks for fuel. AMEX not accepted, Shell Carnet not accepted; Umm contact Embassy, problem no Embassy in Mauritania!! Only solution is
a whip round of the crew and passengers to get enough cash to buy enough fuel to get to Dakar after weather clears. With IOUs to all the
crew and passengers.
Very disgruntled Accounts Officer forced to hold pay parade for passengers who were NOT going to take "NO" as an answer.
This was same Accounts Officer who insisted on paying all the people in US accommodation, and eating in Food Hall, in Sterling
when US base worked in dollars. Also insisted, on another occasion in paying only dollars to those living in Georgetown with a Sterling
economy. This was after he was persuaded that Daily issue of allowances made it a flight safety hazard as it prevented both air and groundcrews
from getting adequate sleeping time. He was nicknamed "Galtieri" for his services to the Argentine cause.
He was so unpopular that it took a Nimrod captain all of his powers of persuasion to prevent his NCOs from throwing "Galtieri" off the Exiles Club balcony.
grey funnel line transport to the action, NO cash issued in the imprest as "not needed as only RAF manned destinations and diversions will be used"
Then, of course, both Dakar and Banjul, the diversion, are fogged out, so aircraft diverts to Nouakchott in Mauritania as only option available.
Asks for fuel. AMEX not accepted, Shell Carnet not accepted; Umm contact Embassy, problem no Embassy in Mauritania!! Only solution is
a whip round of the crew and passengers to get enough cash to buy enough fuel to get to Dakar after weather clears. With IOUs to all the
crew and passengers.
Very disgruntled Accounts Officer forced to hold pay parade for passengers who were NOT going to take "NO" as an answer.
This was same Accounts Officer who insisted on paying all the people in US accommodation, and eating in Food Hall, in Sterling
when US base worked in dollars. Also insisted, on another occasion in paying only dollars to those living in Georgetown with a Sterling
economy. This was after he was persuaded that Daily issue of allowances made it a flight safety hazard as it prevented both air and groundcrews
from getting adequate sleeping time. He was nicknamed "Galtieri" for his services to the Argentine cause.
He was so unpopular that it took a Nimrod captain all of his powers of persuasion to prevent his NCOs from throwing "Galtieri" off the Exiles Club balcony.
Modern warfare seems to have a big disposable drone requirement.
I wonder when all the tenders for these devices are sent out in the future, they will all be required to conform to military specs at four times the price of the civilian equivalents?
I wonder when all the tenders for these devices are sent out in the future, they will all be required to conform to military specs at four times the price of the civilian equivalents?
Ecce Homo! Loquitur...
Yes.. There are things you get away with in the heat of battle you cant in peace or low intensity ops.
Radios - wide spectrum so they can’t be easily jammed or hijacked, encrypted for same and to stop int/picture being eavesdropped, Low Probability of Detection so the drivers don’t get killed in a couple of minutes.
Low probability of failure - if you’re carrying explosives you don’t want them dropping on your, or civilians heads.
EMF, again, if carryeng explosives, you don’t want them going band from an induced current when swept by a radar or other source.
Add another couple of hundred requirements and, no, you’re not buying off the shelf from China…
Radios - wide spectrum so they can’t be easily jammed or hijacked, encrypted for same and to stop int/picture being eavesdropped, Low Probability of Detection so the drivers don’t get killed in a couple of minutes.
Low probability of failure - if you’re carrying explosives you don’t want them dropping on your, or civilians heads.
EMF, again, if carryeng explosives, you don’t want them going band from an induced current when swept by a radar or other source.
Add another couple of hundred requirements and, no, you’re not buying off the shelf from China…
Last edited by ORAC; 23rd Jan 2024 at 14:02.
Once did a long trip to the F/E and we took a young WRAF Accounts Officer as the imprest holder. To cut many transactions short she ended up at the finish of the trip having made a substantial amount of money for HMG ! Despite my best efforts to advise her she insisted on putting it in as it was. Now imprests have to balance exactly as you cannot lose nor make money so she was in trouble. I spoke to OC Accounts on her behalf and somehow the matter was sorted. I never had a problem with any of my claims after that !.
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Interesting about the imprest tales.
I had to return one following a few days away in Europe, and a few days later got a telephone call from accounts to say that my imprest was .10p short and could I come to SHQ and pay it. I asked if they were ‘joking’ and was eventually ordered to go down there and pay it by my boss.
I had to return one following a few days away in Europe, and a few days later got a telephone call from accounts to say that my imprest was .10p short and could I come to SHQ and pay it. I asked if they were ‘joking’ and was eventually ordered to go down there and pay it by my boss.
A man travelled down from the Midlands in a company vehicle to pick up an overhauled prop from the South, he had been given a cheque to pay for it, the cheque was 50p short, so the stores contacted accounts and were told under no circumstances release the prop until the 50p was paid and he would need to drive back to the Midlands to collect the 50p.
The driver had no monies on him and was at a loss, so the storeman chipped in the 50p so he could be on his way home and the company sent the storeman some monies as a thank you.
Come the reckoning,
The company involved overhauled their engines and props in buildings situated at the home of the company owner, and he did not want anyone else to have access to his property, so he sent his lacky to secure the overhaul shops at whatever cost.
The bidding started and reached a fair price for the set up, but a bidder at the back kept raising his hand and up the price went, when the price had well exceeded the estimated value the man stopped bidding some i think 25K ish over the value of the property and the owner got his land secured.
After the sale the man approached the lacky and told him to pass on a message.. Remember the 50p your wouldn't let my driver off, well it just cost you a whole lot more..
RAF Wattisham, 1989 or thereabouts, the Phantom force still going strong and the Wall still standing. One of the early colour photocopiers (a Canon if memory serves) was provided to the Sqn, having been rented by the Stn. It was excellent by the standards of the day, and it meant the lead nav could draw a few lines on a low flying chart and provide 7 copies for the rest of the 4-ship. Eventually there was a phone call from Supply Sqn, from an SAC who had been given the job of telling us to stop it, as our use of colour prints had exceeded all expectations. The problem was that each copy cost 35p, and we were way over the top of the budget, and there was a question about what we were doing that required so many.
It was explained that we were copying maps to use in the air. "But sir, we can provide maps instead..." was the reply. It was pointed out to him that the LFCs in question were £7 a pop and that one map would pay for 20 photocopies (even I could do the maths). I fired him back at his SNCO with an invitation to provide the rationale for spending an extra £40 every time we put a 4-ship into low level, never mind the time wasted in drawing on individual charts. Nothing further heard.
And before the banter starts, yes, we were Air Defence so looking at the maps was not really required.
It was explained that we were copying maps to use in the air. "But sir, we can provide maps instead..." was the reply. It was pointed out to him that the LFCs in question were £7 a pop and that one map would pay for 20 photocopies (even I could do the maths). I fired him back at his SNCO with an invitation to provide the rationale for spending an extra £40 every time we put a 4-ship into low level, never mind the time wasted in drawing on individual charts. Nothing further heard.
And before the banter starts, yes, we were Air Defence so looking at the maps was not really required.