Apocryphal Tales
Anyone had the chicken ?
Lots of lovely stories from the civvi world too . . . Full B747 at 35,000 ft mid-atlantic when the cabin crew report a problem with a pax in the centre seating section. Said pax has had a heart attack and despite frantic cabin crew efforts has died. Decision is to despatch big, ugly, hairy, fight engineer from the flight deck to remove the lifeless body and place the deceased in one of the toilet compartments (standard ops for death in flight on full aircraft). Having extricated the stiff from the seat and nonchalantly tossed it over his shoulder he turns to the stunned and shocked audience of frightened passengers and asks . . . . . . “Anyone else had the chicken ? “
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Henlow in the late 70s. Sgt drill instructor stands in front of a male cadet and enquires, sir do you have an erection?
No Sgt, the cadet responds.
Well you should sir cos you are standing behind the biggest c**t in the Air Force.
No Sgt, the cadet responds.
Well you should sir cos you are standing behind the biggest c**t in the Air Force.
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Did they Sweep it up?
I'll get my coat.
I remember one, an airman was working in I believe a Hunter cockpit and heard the seat handle click he managed to wrap himself around the stick before it departed, afterwards they tried to get him in the same position and he wouldn't fit.
I'll get my coat.
I remember one, an airman was working in I believe a Hunter cockpit and heard the seat handle click he managed to wrap himself around the stick before it departed, afterwards they tried to get him in the same position and he wouldn't fit.
2. Transport aircraft returning from the Falklands where the Captain got in trouble for informing the female passengers that they were all ugly again.
Bloke who first told me that one claims he was on the Tristar at the time, and seeing that he was on the Type 94 third line team at Locking who were down there on a regular basis, I don't doubt his claim. Most likely was the same joker who did the Blues brothers its dark and we are wearing sunglasses, Hit it, line as he opened the throttles to depart ASI for BZN on my second return trip from down south (which was within a year or so of the 'Falklands queens you're now ugly again' comment).
Back in the early 90s I was based at Netheravon and was told that a REME WO2 technician (who was on 658 at that time) had previously been a Gazelle or Scout pilot, but used to have a party piece which got him into a bit of trouble… its seems he used to fly with a glove puppet of ‘Sooty’ (of Sooty & Sweep fame) who he used to ‘let fly the aircraft’… On one occasion (I was told it was during GW1), Sooty was having a bit of an ‘off day’ and lost control of the aircraft whilst in the hover… clue one rather bent helicopter and one WO2 stripped of his wings. I think Sooty might have been retired at that point too!
Anyone confirm this?
Anyone confirm this?
Every (RN) Gazelle pilot from ten years before that poor charlatan's tale knows that Sooty was the alter ego of a much loved CO of 705 Sqn who claimed to be (actually I believe he was) too soft hearted to chop his studes. When the dirty deed had to be done - and this is no shred of untruth - the poor hapless stude was led into the CO's office and adressed kindly yet firmly by Sooty who waved his wand and explained in gentle terms, "Shag, you're chopped!"
Bizarre as this seems this is entirely true. Further it was a masterful way to soften the awful blow of being chopped and a fine demonstration of how a humane sense of humour can soften an awful blow.
I know. First hand.
I later had occasion to write to the hand in the puppet and he replied in the most gracious and humorous manner, along with a photo of Sooty which I will treasure to the end of my days.
Uncle Trevor, a finer CO there never was, I've just retired from my subsequent career in airlines. Say thanks to Sooty for me will you? And God bless you both.
Interesting.
A similar story was told to me about a very well known creative director at a certain London advertising agency in the 80s.
Nervous creatives would arrive in the boss' office, to be confronted by beaming boss with Sooty puppet on hand.
"Sorry Sooty, what's that you're saying? Worst piece of sh!t you've ever seen? Totally lacking in originality??!! He should be fired on the spot????!!!! Tsk, tsk, tsk Sooty, you're a hard man...."
A similar story was told to me about a very well known creative director at a certain London advertising agency in the 80s.
Nervous creatives would arrive in the boss' office, to be confronted by beaming boss with Sooty puppet on hand.
"Sorry Sooty, what's that you're saying? Worst piece of sh!t you've ever seen? Totally lacking in originality??!! He should be fired on the spot????!!!! Tsk, tsk, tsk Sooty, you're a hard man...."
Re Sooty AAC
On this occasion Sooty was LHS commander. They'd done several low passes over a convoy when a low level wing over was attempted. It all went very wrong and the Gazelle promptly did it's party trick of reverting to kit form.
I flew out to the crash site with the CO, and I've never seen a man so angry. The aircraft looked like it had been bulldozed into a heap. How no-one was seriously injured, I've no idea.
I flew out to the crash site with the CO, and I've never seen a man so angry. The aircraft looked like it had been bulldozed into a heap. How no-one was seriously injured, I've no idea.
Thought police antagonist
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" AirTroopers on a fire awareness course are shown the old 'lit match into a bucket of AVTAG, goes out' thing
As Detmold has been identified as the location, those involved clearly decided on a reprise of "here's one we did earlier".......the earlier version was at Celle just before Easter 75. I say this because I was on 431 M.U at the time and flying at Phoenix ( R.I.P. ) G.C as was one of out surveyors, a certain C/T Tim Oulds ...cometh Easter, enter one "ever so less than impressed" Chief.....possibly because, as he explained to the world, that he would not be flying due to some ( a series of terms not suitable for family viewing followed ) and off he went.
The poor Scout was classed as Cat. 3 and some of our equally unimpressed troops, due to the location involving the Army, were dispatched to nail some new skin and rivets onto the Scout some time later.
Said Chief, when asked by the Boss of the Scout, as to what his opinion was, duly stated that, "As it's Easter, crucifying the ( censored ) involved....sir" would be apt. Seemingly, the Army grown up suffered a sense of humour failure at this suggestion.
As Detmold has been identified as the location, those involved clearly decided on a reprise of "here's one we did earlier".......the earlier version was at Celle just before Easter 75. I say this because I was on 431 M.U at the time and flying at Phoenix ( R.I.P. ) G.C as was one of out surveyors, a certain C/T Tim Oulds ...cometh Easter, enter one "ever so less than impressed" Chief.....possibly because, as he explained to the world, that he would not be flying due to some ( a series of terms not suitable for family viewing followed ) and off he went.
The poor Scout was classed as Cat. 3 and some of our equally unimpressed troops, due to the location involving the Army, were dispatched to nail some new skin and rivets onto the Scout some time later.
Said Chief, when asked by the Boss of the Scout, as to what his opinion was, duly stated that, "As it's Easter, crucifying the ( censored ) involved....sir" would be apt. Seemingly, the Army grown up suffered a sense of humour failure at this suggestion.
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Akrotiri mid '60's . Javelin overhead ready to join circuit when canopy disintegrates. With debris flying everywhere, pilot says to nav. 'if we have to, can you eject?' Nav only hears key word 'eject' and bangs out. As he floats gently down into Episkopi bay he sees the a/c make a perfect touchdown. He was picked up very quickly by a chopper. BoI recommends the word 'eject' is only to be used as a command.
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RAAF Base Laverton in the early 80s'. A bunch of civvy contractors working on RAAF Macchis are getting their annual ejection seat lecture from an NCO armourer.
The Sergeant finishes his lecture and then states that there are heaps of stories about ejection seats going off inadvertently etc. He regales us with a story,amongst others, about a civvy who was supposed to have got a drogue pin through his shoulder...... complete with attached cords. Load of b*****s he says, if that had happened the bloke would have been cactus..
The civvies start to snigger. When asked why they are laughing one of the civvies takes off his shirt and shows him the scars where the drogue pin did indeed pass through his body and of course how he had indeed survived.
I last saw Brian a couple of years back and he was still walking about although, like the rest of us who were there, he is getting on a bit.
The Sergeant finishes his lecture and then states that there are heaps of stories about ejection seats going off inadvertently etc. He regales us with a story,amongst others, about a civvy who was supposed to have got a drogue pin through his shoulder...... complete with attached cords. Load of b*****s he says, if that had happened the bloke would have been cactus..
The civvies start to snigger. When asked why they are laughing one of the civvies takes off his shirt and shows him the scars where the drogue pin did indeed pass through his body and of course how he had indeed survived.
I last saw Brian a couple of years back and he was still walking about although, like the rest of us who were there, he is getting on a bit.
AAC Sooty
On this occasion Sooty was LHS commander. They'd done several low passes over a convoy when a low level wing over was attempted. It all went very wrong and the Gazelle promptly did it's party trick of reverting to kit form.
I flew out to the crash site with the CO, and I've never seen a man so angry. The aircraft looked like it had been bulldozed into a heap. How no-one was seriously injured, I've no idea.
I flew out to the crash site with the CO, and I've never seen a man so angry. The aircraft looked like it had been bulldozed into a heap. How no-one was seriously injured, I've no idea.
The name of the WO2 chap concerned who was standing in for Matthew Corbett I forget, but I know in 1992 he was serving on 658 and drove a white 3 series touring... funny the things you do remember!
I imagine the immediate debrief and subsequent BoI were 'interesting' to say the least...
Originally Posted by NickB
The name of the WO2 chap concerned who was standing in for Matthew Corbett I forget, but I know in 1992 he was serving on 658 and drove a white 3 series touring... funny the things you do remember!
Short, dark hair, formerly a member of a regiment that did 140 paces per minute. Nicknamed 'Ned' due to his surname.
I think this might have been his very mangled cab:
http://www.ukserials.com/images/losses/zb675.jpg
Thank you
The variation on the spirits in the fuel tanks story I have heard is a USMC (or Navy) A-4 squadron on detachment to Guantanamo Bay. The centreline tank on one of the Scooters was steam cleaned and then filled to the brim with Cuban rum which, I understand, can be bought for peanuts and was paid for by a whip round amongst the squadron pilots. The cap on the tank was locked in place (sorry, don't know the technical terms).
On the flight back the A-4 carrying the rum had to divert into another airfield to take on more fuel as, of course, it wasn't carrying as much avtur as the rest of them. The pilot signed in, grabbed a coffee and returned to the line just as his trusty steed had completed being refuelled. The bowser driver turned to the pilot and said in a cheerful tone:
"Don't know why the centreline tank was locked, sir, but I managed to squeeze a bit more into it for you."
On the flight back the A-4 carrying the rum had to divert into another airfield to take on more fuel as, of course, it wasn't carrying as much avtur as the rest of them. The pilot signed in, grabbed a coffee and returned to the line just as his trusty steed had completed being refuelled. The bowser driver turned to the pilot and said in a cheerful tone:
"Don't know why the centreline tank was locked, sir, but I managed to squeeze a bit more into it for you."
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Wha...bang, WHA...bang
Seem to remember reading a story back in the '80's (air clues?) about an F4 tootling along in BFG land.
Nav drops pencil, loosens straps, curses mildly, and ducks down to retrieve pencil...
Pilot hears nav's cussing, becomes alarmed because nav NEVER cusses, looks in mirror, no Nav, pulls yellow n black.
Pencil retrieved, Nav notices loud noise, seens no pilot, and pulls yellow n black.
The conversation on the way down must have been priceless as the Toom carried on perfectly serviceable but a tad lighter.
Camlobe
Nav drops pencil, loosens straps, curses mildly, and ducks down to retrieve pencil...
Pilot hears nav's cussing, becomes alarmed because nav NEVER cusses, looks in mirror, no Nav, pulls yellow n black.
Pencil retrieved, Nav notices loud noise, seens no pilot, and pulls yellow n black.
The conversation on the way down must have been priceless as the Toom carried on perfectly serviceable but a tad lighter.
Camlobe