I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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4-star chum giving state of the nation brief to the assembled rabble at Waddo. FJ mate realises that it's nearly bar time and tries to bring the session to an end:
FJM:" Is it true that 29 Sqn are for the chop, Sir,.......and would you prefer yellow or brown?"
4*:" Sorry chaps, that's something I can't comment on at this stage as the impact of any such decision is still being assessed"
FJM:" OK, Sir. But what about 29 Sqn??"
Fortunately the (now-retired) 4* was a top bloke and saw the funny side!!
FJM:" Is it true that 29 Sqn are for the chop, Sir,.......and would you prefer yellow or brown?"
4*:" Sorry chaps, that's something I can't comment on at this stage as the impact of any such decision is still being assessed"
FJM:" OK, Sir. But what about 29 Sqn??"
Fortunately the (now-retired) 4* was a top bloke and saw the funny side!!
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On OCC at Henlow some years ago, the directing staff wheeled on a 1* to give a State of the Nation chat to the 60 Flt Lts on the course. This particular 1* was Deputy AOC Bracknell, and we soon found out he had a sense of humour when he invited questions at the end of his talk.
GR1 Nav stands up and asks: 'Sir, why is orange jam called marmalade?'
a few seconds later,
Harrier mate asks: 'Sir, and why do cricketers wear long trousers in the summer, and footballers wear shorts in the winter?'
GR1 Nav stands up and asks: 'Sir, why is orange jam called marmalade?'
a few seconds later,
Harrier mate asks: 'Sir, and why do cricketers wear long trousers in the summer, and footballers wear shorts in the winter?'
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Once upon a time, there was a young flying officer on 1 Sqn flying Hunters from West Raynham. This dashing young aviator and all of his other dashing young mates were in the bar getting ever so slightly happy one Sunday evening, when an old(er) chap in a suit came in and started drinking. He then joined in the chat and - after about half an hour - we steely-eyed killers decided that this chap was a complete prat and was continuously talking bollocks.
Summoning up all of his tact and diplomacy, the young dasher said to this chap (who as yet had not introduced himself), "if all you're goiing to do is stand there talking cr@p and pissing us off with your complete and utter obviously know sod all bollocks, if it's all the same to you we'd rather you fu(&ed off to bed and left us sane people alone to talk sense to each other". Said chap duly fu(&ed off!!!
Walking to Met Brief next morning, the dashing young killer met this same chap going into SHQ, wearing gold braid on his cap. He was the new Stn Cdr!!!
My career's never looked back since (or is that forward?).
Summoning up all of his tact and diplomacy, the young dasher said to this chap (who as yet had not introduced himself), "if all you're goiing to do is stand there talking cr@p and pissing us off with your complete and utter obviously know sod all bollocks, if it's all the same to you we'd rather you fu(&ed off to bed and left us sane people alone to talk sense to each other". Said chap duly fu(&ed off!!!
Walking to Met Brief next morning, the dashing young killer met this same chap going into SHQ, wearing gold braid on his cap. He was the new Stn Cdr!!!
My career's never looked back since (or is that forward?).
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I did a course a few years ago, and one of the guys was a real keeney-beany type who kept asking numpty questions and trying to impress. A Col from HQLand came and did his bit on whatever the topic of the day happened to be and at any Q's this guy put his hand up. In asking the Q, said numpty used an acronym he had made up himself (can't remember what it was now)and the Col graciously answered. On completion of his point the Col added "oh yes, and if you call *said division* that again, I'll come down there and kick your f%$*&^g head in!" 
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Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!
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Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!
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Visiting multi-starred wheel talking to the chaps in a Buccaneer crewroom in the mid '70s:
VMSW:" So, although we didn't get our F111s, the dear old Bucc will soldier on for a few more years yet, but soon you'll all be flying the TSR2"
Bucc Chap:" No we won't - it was cancelled 10 years ago"
VWSM:" Sorry, slip of the tongue. I meant, of course, the AFVG!"
BC:" Except that was cancelled 8 years ago!!"
VWSM:" Well the M, MC...what's it called?"
BC:" MRCA?"
VWSM:" Yes, of course. MRCA. Well, must go now, so many people to talk to, so little time. Carry on chaps"
A man who clearly knew his ar$e from his elbow. Not. The 'few more years yet' turned out to be 20!!
VMSW:" So, although we didn't get our F111s, the dear old Bucc will soldier on for a few more years yet, but soon you'll all be flying the TSR2"
Bucc Chap:" No we won't - it was cancelled 10 years ago"
VWSM:" Sorry, slip of the tongue. I meant, of course, the AFVG!"
BC:" Except that was cancelled 8 years ago!!"
VWSM:" Well the M, MC...what's it called?"
BC:" MRCA?"
VWSM:" Yes, of course. MRCA. Well, must go now, so many people to talk to, so little time. Carry on chaps"
A man who clearly knew his ar$e from his elbow. Not. The 'few more years yet' turned out to be 20!!
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A very senior EW man was in debate with the builders of a shiny, new, noughts and ones intensive EW system. They were choosing not to display semi-intuitive descriptions of the scan modes (e.g. conic, rastr etc.), and to simply allocate single letters to each.
In very crowded room, aforementioned venerable EW man stated, "It's unacceptable, I mean if you persist down this route, we'll have to teach the operators the whole alphabet" !!!
In very crowded room, aforementioned venerable EW man stated, "It's unacceptable, I mean if you persist down this route, we'll have to teach the operators the whole alphabet" !!!
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An elderly gentleman walked into the bar at RAF Leemingthorpe, sporting a rather natty pair of golfing pantaloons. A young fighter mate, upon noticing the old chap, enquired, a little aggressively, "who the Łu(k are you, and what the Łu(k are those"?
"They", quoth the old giffer, "are plus-fores. I am AOC n Group." (Where n is an integer between 1 and 20.)
"They", quoth the old giffer, "are plus-fores. I am AOC n Group." (Where n is an integer between 1 and 20.)
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We need to keep this one at the top of the leader board - even if Wholigan and I have to scan the Imperial War Museum exhibits to do it!
Legend relates that, in the early 1950s, when even BEagle was in short trousers, Wholigan had a LEGITIMATE interest in 12-year olds and GICASI didn't know what GICASI stood for, an AOC ('airship' in yoof speek) was inspecting a station. As was the wont, in those days, the 'blunties' paraded at the front but the aircrew, who couldn't ebven march in them days, stood at the back in front of the aircraft (Ansons!).
Just as he started down the aircraft line, the AOC turned to the Staish and said:
'Anybody here I should know?'
'Yessir! - third crew along, very tall chap with handlebar moustache - Master Pilot (Remember them?!!) Szimieczin. Polish - DFM, AFM and the Polish VC'.
AOC stops in fron of third crew. Looks up at very tall Master Pilot.
'Ah! Szimieczin. How long have you been here?'
PAUSE - then VERY LOUDLY
'Thanks to you Sir, all fuc75n' day!'
Legend relates that, in the early 1950s, when even BEagle was in short trousers, Wholigan had a LEGITIMATE interest in 12-year olds and GICASI didn't know what GICASI stood for, an AOC ('airship' in yoof speek) was inspecting a station. As was the wont, in those days, the 'blunties' paraded at the front but the aircrew, who couldn't ebven march in them days, stood at the back in front of the aircraft (Ansons!).
Just as he started down the aircraft line, the AOC turned to the Staish and said:
'Anybody here I should know?'
'Yessir! - third crew along, very tall chap with handlebar moustache - Master Pilot (Remember them?!!) Szimieczin. Polish - DFM, AFM and the Polish VC'.
AOC stops in fron of third crew. Looks up at very tall Master Pilot.
'Ah! Szimieczin. How long have you been here?'
PAUSE - then VERY LOUDLY
'Thanks to you Sir, all fuc75n' day!'
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10-15 years ago during IOT grad parade. The parade cdr (Scotsman, now a S/L engineer - but a top bloke) does all his stuff marching the 150+ cadets around infront of CHOM shouting all the right orders as he goes.
There's that point in the parade where the parade cdr has to march up to the 4* reviewing officer, salute impressively with his sword (without stabbing himself) and then say something like:
"Number xyz Initial Officer Training Squadron presented to Reviewing Officer. Permission to proceed with the Parade, Sir?" (Can't remember exact words - but you get the general idea).
At which point the 4* salutes back, the parade cdr salutes, does smart about turn, and carries on. Problem was, this Scotsman (he told me this story himself) was trying very hard to do everything just right: the marching, the orders, the sword salutes, etc. So when he had marched up to the 4* and saluted, his mind went a complete and utter blank.
Panic.
After a very short pause he says to the 4*:
"Well, that's it then"
Then without waiting for the signal from the 4*, he saluted, did about turn, and went on to finish the parade.
A couple of hours later, during drinkies in CHOM, said Scotsman spots said 4* in the crowded ante room. Spends next 15 mins manoeuvring himself so that wherever the 4* goes, the Scotsman is always still on the other side of the room. Eventually, 4* catches up and says "Brilliant. I've never heard anything like that before, I was so stunned I forgot to salute back." Relief all round.
[This message has been edited by Jensen (edited 18 July 2000).]
There's that point in the parade where the parade cdr has to march up to the 4* reviewing officer, salute impressively with his sword (without stabbing himself) and then say something like:
"Number xyz Initial Officer Training Squadron presented to Reviewing Officer. Permission to proceed with the Parade, Sir?" (Can't remember exact words - but you get the general idea).
At which point the 4* salutes back, the parade cdr salutes, does smart about turn, and carries on. Problem was, this Scotsman (he told me this story himself) was trying very hard to do everything just right: the marching, the orders, the sword salutes, etc. So when he had marched up to the 4* and saluted, his mind went a complete and utter blank.
Panic.
After a very short pause he says to the 4*:
"Well, that's it then"
Then without waiting for the signal from the 4*, he saluted, did about turn, and went on to finish the parade.
A couple of hours later, during drinkies in CHOM, said Scotsman spots said 4* in the crowded ante room. Spends next 15 mins manoeuvring himself so that wherever the 4* goes, the Scotsman is always still on the other side of the room. Eventually, 4* catches up and says "Brilliant. I've never heard anything like that before, I was so stunned I forgot to salute back." Relief all round.
[This message has been edited by Jensen (edited 18 July 2000).]
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Early 80s, GR3 sqn in Germany (not the Happy One). The GR3 was receiving the Phase 6 mod package, one of which was a radalt (no, not connected to anything like the weapon aiming system, just a miniature dial in an almost invisible location). One of the more serious flt lt QWI wannabees was giving this particular briefing. All went well, right up to his last remark which was "Of course, I wouldn't have done it like that. It's pinging away the whole time and it's gonna give us away. I would have left it on standby until the bomb flap was raised, then I would have fired it up". Briefing complete, or so the assembled thought, when a newly arrived pilot, looking perplexed and with his index finger motioning upwards asked "Why would you want to fire a radalt UP"?
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During Met groudschool at Shawbury, one of the Navs on my course was struggling a bit with the 'hazards associated with thunderstorms'. "Excuse me, I'm happy with this Saint Elmo's Fire stuff, but what's Saint Atic?"
Even his wife calls him Static now.
Even his wife calls him Static now.
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In the good old days of Airmans' command School at Hereford, attended a course where Senior Man was, in fact, a rather tidy nurse with a whole 12 months military service, the obvious choice to command (all male) course, most of whom were long term groundies.
After the obligatory bullnight and subsequent standard boŁŁocking from the DS, she gave a long, inspiring speech about team work and pulling together, rounding off by declaring:
"After that bullnight the staff really came down on me, so if I find out who let the side down, I'LL GO DOWN ON THEM!"
Oh how we tittered, Cue waterworks from said nurse.
After the obligatory bullnight and subsequent standard boŁŁocking from the DS, she gave a long, inspiring speech about team work and pulling together, rounding off by declaring:
"After that bullnight the staff really came down on me, so if I find out who let the side down, I'LL GO DOWN ON THEM!"
Oh how we tittered, Cue waterworks from said nurse.
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Having finished on the Gnat at Valley, I managed to crash a car, which ended up with me having to wait for a court appearance. I therefore missed the start of the Hunter OCU at Chivenor. So the system came up with the bright idea of me going to Bristol to stand next to a Gnat mock-up in the basement of Debenhams and answer endless questions all day for a couple of weeks.
It was amazing how many snotty (literally) little bas***ds came up each day, pointed to the pitot tube and said "Is that a cannon mister?".
After about a week of this I finally got a bit dis-chuffed and, when the next little snotty came up and said "What's that mister?", I said "It's a cannon".
This little snotty said "Show's how much you know mate, it's a pitot tube" .... wa#Łer....
The 2 weeks did have an up side though. The basement of Debenhams also housed all the perfume and make-up displays, manned (or should I say womanned) by some very tasty young things .....................
[This message has been edited by Wholigan (edited 20 July 2000).]
It was amazing how many snotty (literally) little bas***ds came up each day, pointed to the pitot tube and said "Is that a cannon mister?".
After about a week of this I finally got a bit dis-chuffed and, when the next little snotty came up and said "What's that mister?", I said "It's a cannon".
This little snotty said "Show's how much you know mate, it's a pitot tube" .... wa#Łer....
The 2 weeks did have an up side though. The basement of Debenhams also housed all the perfume and make-up displays, manned (or should I say womanned) by some very tasty young things .....................
[This message has been edited by Wholigan (edited 20 July 2000).]
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Not so much a "wish I hadn't said that". Rather a "HELL I WISH I'D SAID/DONE THAT!!"
A Hunter sqn in (I think) Aden - someone will remember which and who and post it here in due course. I wasn't there, but the story became quite famous.
Sqn in bar till God knows when one night and a certain amount of damage/mild(?) high jinks ensued.
Next day, Sqn boss called into Stn Cdr and given huge roasting and told to sort his sqn out with major bollocking.
A bit later, Boss calls all into his office - with hats on -and gets them to stand to attention in front of him.
He then comes round the other side of the desk --- puts on his hat --- presses 'play' on the tape recorder and proceeds to accept a major bollocking (that he'd recorded) with his troops.
Style -------------
A Hunter sqn in (I think) Aden - someone will remember which and who and post it here in due course. I wasn't there, but the story became quite famous.
Sqn in bar till God knows when one night and a certain amount of damage/mild(?) high jinks ensued.
Next day, Sqn boss called into Stn Cdr and given huge roasting and told to sort his sqn out with major bollocking.
A bit later, Boss calls all into his office - with hats on -and gets them to stand to attention in front of him.
He then comes round the other side of the desk --- puts on his hat --- presses 'play' on the tape recorder and proceeds to accept a major bollocking (that he'd recorded) with his troops.
Style -------------
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Grad parade:
VIP(to grad stude): 'Who's the Chief of the Air Staff?'
Stude: 'Sir Jeremy Beetham'
VIP: 'It's Sir Michael Beetham'
Stude: 'Sorry Sir. I'm not on first name terms'
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Visit to Nav School by Bairsto (known for his mumbling). Calls in to clasroom and mumbles something to Station Commander - turns to stude and says 'What do you think?'
Stude: 'I didn't hear what you said Sir, but I'm sure you're right!' (Hats on interview next morning)
VIP(to grad stude): 'Who's the Chief of the Air Staff?'
Stude: 'Sir Jeremy Beetham'
VIP: 'It's Sir Michael Beetham'
Stude: 'Sorry Sir. I'm not on first name terms'
--------------------------------------------
Visit to Nav School by Bairsto (known for his mumbling). Calls in to clasroom and mumbles something to Station Commander - turns to stude and says 'What do you think?'
Stude: 'I didn't hear what you said Sir, but I'm sure you're right!' (Hats on interview next morning)