Funny Things Happen in The Air Force
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
bspatz, you remind me of my Taceval deployment to Gibraltar, aka OMQ at St Eval. Now it was a Part 1 Taceval and having been out of UK the previous 4 years I didn't know anything about Part 1s.
Anyway, enjoying my second unexpected day at home, and no telephone in those days (too expensive), I didn't find the note through the front door later that night "Where the hell are you?"
No one had told me the exercise had finished the day before.
Anyway, enjoying my second unexpected day at home, and no telephone in those days (too expensive), I didn't find the note through the front door later that night "Where the hell are you?"
No one had told me the exercise had finished the day before.
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Early '90's, I had an SAC in my flight called Colin Andrews (I've changed the surname but not the first name). He was universally known as Col.
Now Col was a slightly out of the ordinary SAC. For a start, he was in his early 30's and, although he looked like a sack of spanners in uniform, his civvie dress was always immaculate. Blazer, flannels, military tie etc.
It came to pass that Col was selected for a 4 month tour in the Falklands. So come the day, Col presents himself (immaculate in MUFTI) at Brize for onward transportation to all points South.
As it happened, also travelling South that evening was the roulemont for the Resident Infantry Unit. The DAMO had been informed that the CO of the pongoes was turning up at Brize to see off his guys. The CO was a Colonel Andrews.
Enter SAC Colin Andrews with his carry-on briefcase marked 'Col Andrews'.
I think you can guess the rest.
To give Col his dues, he managed to bluff his way through a considerable quantity of G and T in the VIP lounge before being rumbled.
Now Col was a slightly out of the ordinary SAC. For a start, he was in his early 30's and, although he looked like a sack of spanners in uniform, his civvie dress was always immaculate. Blazer, flannels, military tie etc.
It came to pass that Col was selected for a 4 month tour in the Falklands. So come the day, Col presents himself (immaculate in MUFTI) at Brize for onward transportation to all points South.
As it happened, also travelling South that evening was the roulemont for the Resident Infantry Unit. The DAMO had been informed that the CO of the pongoes was turning up at Brize to see off his guys. The CO was a Colonel Andrews.
Enter SAC Colin Andrews with his carry-on briefcase marked 'Col Andrews'.
I think you can guess the rest.
To give Col his dues, he managed to bluff his way through a considerable quantity of G and T in the VIP lounge before being rumbled.
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I know of a certain mature Flying Officer RAF who was wined and dined in Washington by a certain American Agency, who thought he was a Naval Flag Officer. He quickly realised and pulled it off all the way through.
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A long time ago when I was brave.....or silly
At a secret training base near W*-S*-Mare in the mid 80s, we had the usual round of morale boosting weekly bull nights in the 18-man rooms. As long as our rooms were 'generally' clean, we were allowed to put up posters on the wall. There was, however, one rule in that topless models could be shown but pubic hair could not be seen - it was long before the PC brigade got involved...
Young Belle decided to put up a picture of a young lady 'sans bush'. I was given a quiet chat by the block SNCO after inspection and that I was taking the pish and that the poster was to be removed and I was told that no female genitalia was to be on show. The following week, young Belle was goaded into putting up a picture of a gentleman 'sans bush' (no, I cannot recall where I got it from). At this point, the OIC of the block decides to have a chat with me and offers me the chance of cleaning the Flowerdown Centre for the next 10 years unless I started playing the game. The following week and young Belle puts up a picture of a chimpanzee with a huge tadger and choking his chicken. For some reason, this was followed by several weekends of cleaning the Offrs' Mess kitchen.
Young Belle decided to put up a picture of a young lady 'sans bush'. I was given a quiet chat by the block SNCO after inspection and that I was taking the pish and that the poster was to be removed and I was told that no female genitalia was to be on show. The following week, young Belle was goaded into putting up a picture of a gentleman 'sans bush' (no, I cannot recall where I got it from). At this point, the OIC of the block decides to have a chat with me and offers me the chance of cleaning the Flowerdown Centre for the next 10 years unless I started playing the game. The following week and young Belle puts up a picture of a chimpanzee with a huge tadger and choking his chicken. For some reason, this was followed by several weekends of cleaning the Offrs' Mess kitchen.
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In the early sixties I had the doubtful privilege of being detached to Beihan whilst serving at K****aksar ( I do not wish to embarass anyone). Every so often we used to be sent back to 'K' for three days R & R.
In typical service manner they used to put us on patrol duties the first night back (B*stards!). On one occasion we were in one of the hangars being briefed for our nights duty. The Guard Commander was a Flt.Sgt from the base, I was the Deputy G.C. plus about a dozen personnel. In those days the guard were equipped with 303's. The drill was to have a magazine with five rounds in your pocket, the magazine was only placed on the weapon if attacked.
The G.C. had the guard in a circle and made ready using the following procedure -
1. Five rounds in a clip
2. Magazine on the rifle, charge the magazine
3. Close the bolt
4. Remove the magazine
5. Clear the action
You may have noticed that actions 3 & 4 were carried out in the wrong order. No one said a word, but were very careful to point their weapons into the air. Thunderous burst of fire. The G.C. was somewhat suprised but went through the same procedure again - with the same result.
Alarms sounding - attack imminent - Guard Commander departs under a cloud - RAF has the world's largest pepper pot!
In typical service manner they used to put us on patrol duties the first night back (B*stards!). On one occasion we were in one of the hangars being briefed for our nights duty. The Guard Commander was a Flt.Sgt from the base, I was the Deputy G.C. plus about a dozen personnel. In those days the guard were equipped with 303's. The drill was to have a magazine with five rounds in your pocket, the magazine was only placed on the weapon if attacked.
The G.C. had the guard in a circle and made ready using the following procedure -
1. Five rounds in a clip
2. Magazine on the rifle, charge the magazine
3. Close the bolt
4. Remove the magazine
5. Clear the action
You may have noticed that actions 3 & 4 were carried out in the wrong order. No one said a word, but were very careful to point their weapons into the air. Thunderous burst of fire. The G.C. was somewhat suprised but went through the same procedure again - with the same result.
Alarms sounding - attack imminent - Guard Commander departs under a cloud - RAF has the world's largest pepper pot!
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
topless models could be shown but pubic hair could not be seen -
Young Belle decided to put up a picture of a young lady 'sans bush'. I was given a quiet chat by the block SNCO after inspection and that I was taking the pish
no female genitalia was to be on show
young Belle putting up a picture of a gentleman 'sans bush' .
Young Belle decided to put up a picture of a young lady 'sans bush'. I was given a quiet chat by the block SNCO after inspection and that I was taking the pish
no female genitalia was to be on show
young Belle putting up a picture of a gentleman 'sans bush' .
1986, MPA about to become RAF Mount Pleasant. Departing Tri* has on board members of the Falklands' Families Association, and is taking off in a substantial cross wind. Loud bang, plume of flame and the jet stops on the runway, just. Taxies in on 2 engines and the BA Station Engineer leaps up a ladder and announces the surged engine is siezed - until someoned gently suggests turning the compressor, rather than the static bit at the front (inlet guide vanes?)!
That evening and the "cross wind" is now a gale. Aircraft is parked at upwind end of pan for a ground run and OC Eng takes the left hand seat and starts the "seized" engine and starts running up to full power. Cue Duty Supplier in the freight shed who sounds the attack alarm, claiming bullets are coming through the walls of the freight shed. No, it's not bullets, it's gravel propelled by the Tri* engine at full thrust, followed by a severely bent mains electricity pillar and bent walls to the freight shed. Exit very quiet OC Eng, and there was not even a UI!!
That evening and the "cross wind" is now a gale. Aircraft is parked at upwind end of pan for a ground run and OC Eng takes the left hand seat and starts the "seized" engine and starts running up to full power. Cue Duty Supplier in the freight shed who sounds the attack alarm, claiming bullets are coming through the walls of the freight shed. No, it's not bullets, it's gravel propelled by the Tri* engine at full thrust, followed by a severely bent mains electricity pillar and bent walls to the freight shed. Exit very quiet OC Eng, and there was not even a UI!!
Funny at the time, but in retrospect rather sad - 9 IOT students walking across Salisbury Plain early one very clear frosty January morning. 20 or 30 metres in the rear, one student carrying 2 pine poles and a load of 40 ft lashings - unfortunately it was his "lead"
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1985/6 time and a young SAC N4 was on on the Base side of UKBags. 4 day Minival is about to called. Part of the Base shifts war role was to reinforce the grown up side of MAMS and deploy to meet the invading hordes. I was looking forward to 4 days of gas masks / NBC suits etc / compo sausages in the mess but was told to come in for the ex with my kit packed as I was being deployed. So thinking it would be like Bspatz's deployment - as far as the MAMS crewroom, I came in with minimal kit to be told that we were off to Gib....GIB!! Well a quick dash back to the block grab more appropriate kit then DPM and Tin hat (shorts / T-shirts) and 3 of us spent 4 days enjoying the sub in Gib. Even more so when the Movers out there said they had no idea what we were doing there as they hadn't asked for reforce and especially as they had no more aircraft through until the one we were due home on.
Distantly related to 'Pontius Navigator' and
A mate of mine (called Steve) worked at the 'not very secret ATC centre' in West London. Every year or so they would have a exercise for a week, when the ATC bods were expected to dress-up in green, wear respirator masks, carry a 'bang-stick' and play-pretend at being guards. Steve had done this once, and hated every minute of it, especially when the Hereford Hooligans showed-up and didn't play by the rules!
The exercise brief was that they would be on stand-by for the whole week, and on one 'unannounced day/night' they would have to take part in the exercise 'proper'.
Now Steve had a girlfriend, who had a brother who lived in the housing estate directly opposite the base. Every house in said estate had a hand-delivered notice saying that on Wednesday evening/night and Thursday morning there would be a major exercise involving guns and explosions, and that they were not to 'phone the Police, etc, yada, yada. So Steve knew when the exercise was due to start, and how long for.
On the Wednesday evening, heads home after a day pushing blips around the sky, and then goes out and stays with his girlfriend that night. At about 8pm they start the exercise, and phone-up everyone to come back to the base and play at being soldiers.
Except Steve ... he lodges at a friend's grand-mother's house, who's a bit of a doddery old bat at the best of times. When they phone-up, she says Steve is not there, and she will take a message, and leave it for him where he will read it in the morning. This is all pre-mobilephones, so there's no other way to contact him.
The following morning Steve goes to work by bus in his normal 'blues', and is met at the gate by everybody in 'green' and wearing respirators and carrying guns. The Sgt grills him about his uniform, and lack of exercise kit, and asks if he had received the message. 'No' says Steve, 'havn't been home since yesterday!' The irate Sgt says that he will have to go home and get them, so Steve walks out the gate, and in full view of the Sgt stands at the bus-stop outside. After 10 minutes the Sgt comes and asks him what he's doing ... 'Waiting for a bus Sgt, you sent me home to get my kit. Should only take about 2 hours, can you wait for me?'.
Anyway, enjoying my second unexpected day at home, and no telephone in those days (too expensive), I didn't find the note through the front door later that night "Where the hell are you?"
No one had told me the exercise had finished the day before.
No one had told me the exercise had finished the day before.
The exercise brief was that they would be on stand-by for the whole week, and on one 'unannounced day/night' they would have to take part in the exercise 'proper'.
Now Steve had a girlfriend, who had a brother who lived in the housing estate directly opposite the base. Every house in said estate had a hand-delivered notice saying that on Wednesday evening/night and Thursday morning there would be a major exercise involving guns and explosions, and that they were not to 'phone the Police, etc, yada, yada. So Steve knew when the exercise was due to start, and how long for.
On the Wednesday evening, heads home after a day pushing blips around the sky, and then goes out and stays with his girlfriend that night. At about 8pm they start the exercise, and phone-up everyone to come back to the base and play at being soldiers.
Except Steve ... he lodges at a friend's grand-mother's house, who's a bit of a doddery old bat at the best of times. When they phone-up, she says Steve is not there, and she will take a message, and leave it for him where he will read it in the morning. This is all pre-mobilephones, so there's no other way to contact him.
The following morning Steve goes to work by bus in his normal 'blues', and is met at the gate by everybody in 'green' and wearing respirators and carrying guns. The Sgt grills him about his uniform, and lack of exercise kit, and asks if he had received the message. 'No' says Steve, 'havn't been home since yesterday!' The irate Sgt says that he will have to go home and get them, so Steve walks out the gate, and in full view of the Sgt stands at the bus-stop outside. After 10 minutes the Sgt comes and asks him what he's doing ... 'Waiting for a bus Sgt, you sent me home to get my kit. Should only take about 2 hours, can you wait for me?'.
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CO's Cup Swimming Event, local swimming pool near to a Hercules base 1988.
Everyone not on task on the day finds themselves down for the event. Apparently you got a point "just for turning up and we need as many points as possible" says Flt Lt A*** F********th, the MAMS Ops Officer. So everyone will go and "I don't care if you say you can't swim, I've heard all the excuses..."
So on the morning 35 or so movers assembly and catch the bus to the pool accompanied by one of God's gifts to mankind otherwise known as the PTI. Arrive at the pool - 1 point each in the bag - time to go back. Oh no says God's gift PTI you have to swim.
After the 5th mover being pulled out of the pool by God's gift for swimming as effectively as brick, he starts to realise something is not right here and ask if the assembled movers can swim - No not a stroke says half of them.
So why are you hear at a swimming event says he - ordered to and we did say we couldn't swim but....
Flt Lt F********th took part in the competition. His entry into the water assisted by God's gift and a number of others. I always thought you were meant to swim in trunks not tracksuit and complaining that his watch was ruined....
Everyone not on task on the day finds themselves down for the event. Apparently you got a point "just for turning up and we need as many points as possible" says Flt Lt A*** F********th, the MAMS Ops Officer. So everyone will go and "I don't care if you say you can't swim, I've heard all the excuses..."
So on the morning 35 or so movers assembly and catch the bus to the pool accompanied by one of God's gifts to mankind otherwise known as the PTI. Arrive at the pool - 1 point each in the bag - time to go back. Oh no says God's gift PTI you have to swim.
After the 5th mover being pulled out of the pool by God's gift for swimming as effectively as brick, he starts to realise something is not right here and ask if the assembled movers can swim - No not a stroke says half of them.
So why are you hear at a swimming event says he - ordered to and we did say we couldn't swim but....
Flt Lt F********th took part in the competition. His entry into the water assisted by God's gift and a number of others. I always thought you were meant to swim in trunks not tracksuit and complaining that his watch was ruined....
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It was hilarious at the time but...... In 1959 there was an RAF Leave Centre on the beach at Kilindini, Mombasa on what is now a very expensive piece of tourist real estate. It was run by the Naafi, but staffed largely by a bunch of WVS ladies of indeterminite age, [but probably late 30s!] who were an absolutely formidable bunch.
Three airmen getting a panic tan on the white sand, when a loud scream came from the direction of the "bashas' accommodation, shortly after which a fourth airman arrives and spreads out his towel.
"What was the screaming about?" he's asked.
"WVS lady cornered a snake apparently"
A bit of a pause followed by the comment: "How's the snake"?
Three airmen getting a panic tan on the white sand, when a loud scream came from the direction of the "bashas' accommodation, shortly after which a fourth airman arrives and spreads out his towel.
"What was the screaming about?" he's asked.
"WVS lady cornered a snake apparently"
A bit of a pause followed by the comment: "How's the snake"?
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Foam
- just to prove that our transatlantic friends can do everything bigger/better, have a look at this;
YouTube - Fire Foam Test Goes very Wrong !
YouTube - Fire Foam Test Goes very Wrong !
Working on a Bird Control Unit did get a bit boring so to liven things up we used to find uses for bird scarer cartridges other than scare birds. At this base, Rutlands finest Tornado base, I fired a scarer into a rabbit hole, not expecting a shower of rabbit droppings to expel themselves out of the hole at a great force of knots straight at me, as the scarer exploded deep inside the hole.
On another accassion I decided to reinact the Dambusters but without a dam or bomb, except that we had noticed the we could bounce the scarers off the runway so the small fishing lake the other side of the wire was going to be my target. So drive up to fence, have quick look around line up the target and bang, perfect ! 3 or 4 bounces before it exploded. Just about to fire no 2 and a voice from infront and below shouts 'OY What the
' Dumb old me did'nt see the fisherman under his green tent and umbrella and his head was about 2 feet from the scarer when first fired ! Cue me driving like hell and hoping he did'nt report me. Guess I must have scared him as I'm still waiting 23 years later !!!!
On another accassion I decided to reinact the Dambusters but without a dam or bomb, except that we had noticed the we could bounce the scarers off the runway so the small fishing lake the other side of the wire was going to be my target. So drive up to fence, have quick look around line up the target and bang, perfect ! 3 or 4 bounces before it exploded. Just about to fire no 2 and a voice from infront and below shouts 'OY What the
' Dumb old me did'nt see the fisherman under his green tent and umbrella and his head was about 2 feet from the scarer when first fired ! Cue me driving like hell and hoping he did'nt report me. Guess I must have scared him as I'm still waiting 23 years later !!!!
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As told to me by an ex-Army colleague................
Scots Guards RSM in recruiting office to potential officer recruit (POR) who has listed his preferences as follows:
1. Scots Guards
2. Parachute Regiment
RSM, 'Does your daddy own half of Scotland, Sonny?'
POR, 'N-no Sir.'
RSM, 'Parachute Regiment!......Next!'
Scots Guards RSM in recruiting office to potential officer recruit (POR) who has listed his preferences as follows:
1. Scots Guards
2. Parachute Regiment
RSM, 'Does your daddy own half of Scotland, Sonny?'
POR, 'N-no Sir.'
RSM, 'Parachute Regiment!......Next!'
After 130 guardsmen from the Household Brigade boarded a Britannia at Lyneham an air movements corporal ran up the steps clutching a next of kin form and headed for the OC Troops, a young subaltern who's chin was rather challenged.
"Sir", said the corporal, "I am afraid you have not filled in your next of kin details."
'Pardon?" said the young officer.
"You have not specified who your next of kin is."
The OC Troops looked puzzled.
"I can complete the form for you," the corporal said helpfully, "if you tell me your next of kin."
"Daddy of course!" came the shocked reply.
"Sir", said the corporal, "I am afraid you have not filled in your next of kin details."
'Pardon?" said the young officer.
"You have not specified who your next of kin is."
The OC Troops looked puzzled.
"I can complete the form for you," the corporal said helpfully, "if you tell me your next of kin."
"Daddy of course!" came the shocked reply.
Last edited by brakedwell; 18th May 2010 at 17:45. Reason: add details
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Wonderful wilds of Salisbury plain and continuation training held by Flt Lt O/C RAF Regt, every one walking round bored out of their tiny's thinking, God please make this short, next demo by O/C Regt on setting trip flares, flare set up and really over emphasising the point on the need to get as low as you possibly can when pulling the pin out of the flare in case of mishap when out over the top of the bored witless throng gently arcs a branch that lands perfectly on his trip firing his lovely flare and showering his best DP with lots of little sparks burning holes in it...... End of Exercise and generally agreed by all assembled as a damn good moral booster. 
Last edited by NutLoose; 18th May 2010 at 16:14.
Funny looking back at it!!!!! You need a Chit.
Not so funny at the time but there is a sort of humour in the event.
Yours truely, 16 year old Boy Entrant in 1957 Cosford. Fulton Block
A Wednesday afternoonn "Sports Afternoon".
Mid afternoon prior to last Tech training session of the day.
Started to feel very ill, Letting loose at both ends!!!!!!!
Said to the lads I cant make it , I'm going special Sick.
Normal procedure was to get a "Chit" from the decip. office to be allowed to go special sick.
Problem, Sports afternoon no one around to issue said "Chit"
Feeling really very ill and in pain, lower stomach area.
Eventually I decided to make my way to the Sick Quarters about a mile away.
It took me ages to hobble the distance to the Sick Bay.
By the time I got there I was doubled up and could hardly walk.
Rings bell, Orderly arrives, quote "Where's your Chit", can't go special sick without Chit.
Explained how bad I felt but still said go back and get a Chit, still insisting on a Chit even though no one available to issue the "X%&+ing" thing.
By this time I was literally laying down on the doorstep in agony.
He was just about to close the door when a voice from way back inside said
in a bored/irritated fashion "oh, you better come in and I will look at you".
MO takes less than one minute to diagnose accute appendicitis.
PANIC stations, rushed to the hospital at Cosford , on the slab within 30 Mins.
told afterwards it was near to Bursting.
The saga didn't end there, wound went sceptic, they should have put a "Drain" in, discharged with 2 weeks sick leave. again could hardly walk
due to pain of infection.
First night at home woke up to pure bliss "No Pain" but bed covered in blood.
The wound had opened up and discharged all its muck.
So again rushed to Local city hospital (Bath) where they fixed me up , but not without a big confrontation with the RAF Medical bods at Cosford!!!!!!!.
Final outcome was a total of five weeks out of training so had to be Backclassed to catch up .
Often wondered what my life would have panned out like if I had passed out with my original entry, different first posting etc etc etc.
OPF
Yours truely, 16 year old Boy Entrant in 1957 Cosford. Fulton Block
A Wednesday afternoonn "Sports Afternoon".
Mid afternoon prior to last Tech training session of the day.
Started to feel very ill, Letting loose at both ends!!!!!!!
Said to the lads I cant make it , I'm going special Sick.
Normal procedure was to get a "Chit" from the decip. office to be allowed to go special sick.
Problem, Sports afternoon no one around to issue said "Chit"
Feeling really very ill and in pain, lower stomach area.
Eventually I decided to make my way to the Sick Quarters about a mile away.
It took me ages to hobble the distance to the Sick Bay.
By the time I got there I was doubled up and could hardly walk.
Rings bell, Orderly arrives, quote "Where's your Chit", can't go special sick without Chit.
Explained how bad I felt but still said go back and get a Chit, still insisting on a Chit even though no one available to issue the "X%&+ing" thing.
By this time I was literally laying down on the doorstep in agony.
He was just about to close the door when a voice from way back inside said
in a bored/irritated fashion "oh, you better come in and I will look at you".
MO takes less than one minute to diagnose accute appendicitis.
PANIC stations, rushed to the hospital at Cosford , on the slab within 30 Mins.
told afterwards it was near to Bursting.
The saga didn't end there, wound went sceptic, they should have put a "Drain" in, discharged with 2 weeks sick leave. again could hardly walk
due to pain of infection.
First night at home woke up to pure bliss "No Pain" but bed covered in blood.
The wound had opened up and discharged all its muck.
So again rushed to Local city hospital (Bath) where they fixed me up , but not without a big confrontation with the RAF Medical bods at Cosford!!!!!!!.
Final outcome was a total of five weeks out of training so had to be Backclassed to catch up .
Often wondered what my life would have panned out like if I had passed out with my original entry, different first posting etc etc etc.
OPF
Last edited by Old Photo.Fanatic; 18th May 2010 at 23:34.
IOT - Camp 2 on Salisbury Plain. End of "Top Dog" and all are taking a breather at the top of the ridge just beyond one of the "Battalion DZs". Excited buzz growing in a flight containing younger brother of a Jaguar pilot (you know who you are!). Clearly, "something" is about to happen. At the far end of the DZ apears a Jaguar at "200ft" (oh, yeah) going fairly fast in our direction. What pilot does not know, and brother cannot tell him, is that at our end are the Commandant and DDIOT. The Jaguar smokes over the top of us to rousing cheers. "Did you see that?", says the AVM. "What?" replied Robbie Roson, with one eye shut.