Funny Things Happen in The Air Force
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I guess we know now why the thread's titled "funny things happen in the AIR FORCE."!
Cunning Artificer
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Junior Magician "'Orrible" Orrick had changed the pressure transmitter on a Whirlwind 10 hydraulic system and was squatting on the platform under the rotating blades when it sprang a low pressure leak. He put his thumb over the leak to staunch the flow while the engine was shut down. Unfortunately the oil was at about 90 degress C, so jerking the scalded thumb away and putting it in his mouth, he simultaneously placed his other thumb over the leak. End result was two weeks on Tea Bar duty with enormous bandages on both thumbs. Nickname change required...
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RAF Valley, early 1980's; tall, fair-haired Stn Cdr (& ADC to HMQ) is driving to airfield, past the Troops barrack block site. Still the eagle-eyed fighter pilot of his youth, gets a visual lock on RAF's most horrible SAC, who is supporting MT bus-stop sign with his manky body.
Stn Cdr is piqued by lack of erect posture & snappy salute in response to the pennant-bedecked limo; he pulls over (always drove himself), & beckons oik over; Stn Cdr prepares to deliver industrial-strength rollicking & appointment with the SWO (Danny McCarthy).
Stn Cdr's plans are thwarted by oik, who deftly hops into front passenger seat, declaring " Ah thanks Sir, I've missed the bleedin' MT bus to work".
Stn Cdr is totally disabled by the charm of the oik, who clearly had more neck than a jockey's bolleaux, and he delivers him straight to the main entrance of Gaydon Hangar, just as OC Eng Wg is arriving. Oik graces Wg Cdr with snappy salute & brisk "good-day Sir". Fork-lift truck req'd to reposition OC Eng Wg's jaw. Stn Cdr admits defeat & retires to his office. Oik's standing amongst fellow troops much enhanced by performance.
(I know, because I was there.........)
HB
Stn Cdr is piqued by lack of erect posture & snappy salute in response to the pennant-bedecked limo; he pulls over (always drove himself), & beckons oik over; Stn Cdr prepares to deliver industrial-strength rollicking & appointment with the SWO (Danny McCarthy).
Stn Cdr's plans are thwarted by oik, who deftly hops into front passenger seat, declaring " Ah thanks Sir, I've missed the bleedin' MT bus to work".
Stn Cdr is totally disabled by the charm of the oik, who clearly had more neck than a jockey's bolleaux, and he delivers him straight to the main entrance of Gaydon Hangar, just as OC Eng Wg is arriving. Oik graces Wg Cdr with snappy salute & brisk "good-day Sir". Fork-lift truck req'd to reposition OC Eng Wg's jaw. Stn Cdr admits defeat & retires to his office. Oik's standing amongst fellow troops much enhanced by performance.
(I know, because I was there.........)
HB
Last edited by Halton Brat; 20th Sep 2011 at 13:59.
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Halton 1983, Marching down the hill apprentices, Goat, band and Fitters the DI Corporal (Cpl.Death to those that were there) said shout you there airman with the hat on fall out, approx 300 personel 'fell out'.
Smooth wg cdr walking back to his office after light lunch in OM. Admin cpl, who has been trying to find him to deliver urgent message: "Sir, sir - I missed you at lunchtime."
Smooth wg cdr replies: "I missed you too, Cpl Smith, but we mustn't let this take over our lives!"
Smooth wg cdr replies: "I missed you too, Cpl Smith, but we mustn't let this take over our lives!"
Phone call received by Flt Sgt Eric Forsyth at Spadeadam, caller requests permission to borrow our Anemometer, which is sat on top of towering permanent fixture outside. Eric's reply "OK give us 2 years and we'll get straight down to you!".
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Nemesis of the Proot Dynasty
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I may have posted these on a much earlier thread.
Early 60s and I was a Halton Brat.
The SWO was a keen gardener and occasionally could be seen at the weekend pottering around in our flower beds. Some joker who had had a run-in with the said SWO, observed him happily digging and rang the guardroom anonymously.
“There’s a tramp stealing the plants in 2 squadron’s flower beds”. Puts down phone.
Five minutes later a police Landrover careers round the corner, two snowdrops emerge and promptly arrest the ‘tramp’.
Much cursing and swearing from the SWO, because he never did find the culprit!
Many years later on a squadron detachment to Sharjah.
I’m Duty Officer with nothing better to do, so I amble over to the Twynam hut which served as our squadron office. Duty Corporal and I are having a cup of coffee, feet on desk, when the door opens and a British Trucial Oman Scouts officer appears in full Lawrence of Arabia gear, complete with Kunja knife in his gold belt.
“F**k me”, says the Corporal “Its Peter O’Toole”.
Army officer has apoplexy and promptly has the Corporal put under close arrest.
It took me and the Boss all night to get him released from the TOS guardroom. But he had to be sent home for his own protection!
Happy days!
Early 60s and I was a Halton Brat.
The SWO was a keen gardener and occasionally could be seen at the weekend pottering around in our flower beds. Some joker who had had a run-in with the said SWO, observed him happily digging and rang the guardroom anonymously.
“There’s a tramp stealing the plants in 2 squadron’s flower beds”. Puts down phone.
Five minutes later a police Landrover careers round the corner, two snowdrops emerge and promptly arrest the ‘tramp’.
Much cursing and swearing from the SWO, because he never did find the culprit!
Many years later on a squadron detachment to Sharjah.
I’m Duty Officer with nothing better to do, so I amble over to the Twynam hut which served as our squadron office. Duty Corporal and I are having a cup of coffee, feet on desk, when the door opens and a British Trucial Oman Scouts officer appears in full Lawrence of Arabia gear, complete with Kunja knife in his gold belt.
“F**k me”, says the Corporal “Its Peter O’Toole”.
Army officer has apoplexy and promptly has the Corporal put under close arrest.
It took me and the Boss all night to get him released from the TOS guardroom. But he had to be sent home for his own protection!
Happy days!
Last edited by Lukeafb1; 22nd Sep 2011 at 15:36. Reason: Typo
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No intention of passing judgement on the Good Lady deceased but we must have encountered her or her Staff on an 'Off' day....
In the days of annual 'Royal Visits' to RAF Stations, the West Norfolk Citadel had the honour. Sqn Ldr AS (later Station Master) was el honcho of the overall organising committee. Always had a great rapport with that fine Scottish gentleman (replaced him as Nav Plotter Crew 10 No 55 Sqn - Jock Carroll's lads - and was delighted to entertain Al and the ever gracious Sally to Dinner in late 1990s Harbourside Sydney) so, for my sins, was roped in as deputy organiser or whatever. Down to St James Palace we went.
Well, I never. Cigarette packets had to be positioned at all points of the compass. And only a particular American brand would do. I distinctly remember the Lady lighting up before the 'starters' had been served at the Mess Luncheon.
Lots of similar stuff. But the outstanding request from the Palace was that a particular loo had to be installed in the OM - into which no wummin had performed a christening ceremony. A brand new effort. I am sorry to say that the usual aircrew miscreants, having checked that the area was wummin free, tested the the holding veracity of the said device prior to the official visit.
There was a lot of under table activity at that lunch - not quite as outstanding as the Bomber Command disbandment lunch... but getting close.
Happy Days. I fear our modern compadres (all Hail to them) will never experience such in these days of uber PC stuff and nonsense.
In the days of annual 'Royal Visits' to RAF Stations, the West Norfolk Citadel had the honour. Sqn Ldr AS (later Station Master) was el honcho of the overall organising committee. Always had a great rapport with that fine Scottish gentleman (replaced him as Nav Plotter Crew 10 No 55 Sqn - Jock Carroll's lads - and was delighted to entertain Al and the ever gracious Sally to Dinner in late 1990s Harbourside Sydney) so, for my sins, was roped in as deputy organiser or whatever. Down to St James Palace we went.
Well, I never. Cigarette packets had to be positioned at all points of the compass. And only a particular American brand would do. I distinctly remember the Lady lighting up before the 'starters' had been served at the Mess Luncheon.
Lots of similar stuff. But the outstanding request from the Palace was that a particular loo had to be installed in the OM - into which no wummin had performed a christening ceremony. A brand new effort. I am sorry to say that the usual aircrew miscreants, having checked that the area was wummin free, tested the the holding veracity of the said device prior to the official visit.
There was a lot of under table activity at that lunch - not quite as outstanding as the Bomber Command disbandment lunch... but getting close.
Happy Days. I fear our modern compadres (all Hail to them) will never experience such in these days of uber PC stuff and nonsense.
During the mid-80s I was Sqn Ldr Ops on a unit called BRIXMIS, which most people never heard of. It comprised a mixture of Army and RAF who lived in Berlin but operated in East Germany as official liaison officers to the Soviet forces based there under an agreement signed in 1946. Over the years, liaison morphed into "observation", which tended to upset both the Sovs and the East Germans. However, life went on, and the tourers, as the liaison officers were known, learned to live with the resulting problems.
The BRIXMIS Chief was an army brigadier, with a gp capt as his deputy. Whilst out on a tour in the southern part of East Germany, a tour, comprising the gp capt, an RAF MACR and a cpl driver, made the mistake of clashing with a group of Sov SF troops, who set off in pursuit of the tour's Gelandewagen. After some miles, the SF managed to overtake, block the road and then one fired a shot over the top of the Gelandewagen to force a stop. Much nause, local Sov Komendant called to sort out, and eventually the tour were released to go back to Berlin.
During the debrief, from which I had to compile a report for HQ BAOR/RAFG, the gp capt fulminated about the terrible behaviour of the Sovs etc. MACR Mal G.... stood silently, puffing away at a fag until there was a break in the conversation. "Any points to add?" said I.
"Criminal, sir, absolutely effing criminal" says the MACR. "Quite right" says the gp capt, "Couldn't put it better myself".
"No, sir. What was criminal was that that Sov had a gp capt in his sights and missed!"
The BRIXMIS Chief was an army brigadier, with a gp capt as his deputy. Whilst out on a tour in the southern part of East Germany, a tour, comprising the gp capt, an RAF MACR and a cpl driver, made the mistake of clashing with a group of Sov SF troops, who set off in pursuit of the tour's Gelandewagen. After some miles, the SF managed to overtake, block the road and then one fired a shot over the top of the Gelandewagen to force a stop. Much nause, local Sov Komendant called to sort out, and eventually the tour were released to go back to Berlin.
During the debrief, from which I had to compile a report for HQ BAOR/RAFG, the gp capt fulminated about the terrible behaviour of the Sovs etc. MACR Mal G.... stood silently, puffing away at a fag until there was a break in the conversation. "Any points to add?" said I.
"Criminal, sir, absolutely effing criminal" says the MACR. "Quite right" says the gp capt, "Couldn't put it better myself".
"No, sir. What was criminal was that that Sov had a gp capt in his sights and missed!"
I was a member of the Station Theatre Club at Gatow in 1988 and we had a Captain, who's name escapes me, who was a member of Brixmis. He directed a play which called for three spies, one British, one American and one Russian, he cast me as the ruskie being overly impressed with my accent, comparing it with the Soviet Officer whom he was regularly in contact with!
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Further to 'the Good Lady deceased'.
Leeming Sgts Mess, pre luncheon drinks.
Staish introduces CMC (non-smoker), who's instantly enveloped in a blue haze from said GLD's fag. The CMC almost collapses in a coughing fit.
Enter steward with silver salver containing 1 large crystal glass containing 1 large whisky and Soda.
Said GLD takes a good slug, joins CMC in coughing fit then grimaces and says "Could I have some whisky in this?".
The GLD certainly did some plucky work with the elbow!
RIP
Leeming Sgts Mess, pre luncheon drinks.
Staish introduces CMC (non-smoker), who's instantly enveloped in a blue haze from said GLD's fag. The CMC almost collapses in a coughing fit.
Enter steward with silver salver containing 1 large crystal glass containing 1 large whisky and Soda.
Said GLD takes a good slug, joins CMC in coughing fit then grimaces and says "Could I have some whisky in this?".
The GLD certainly did some plucky work with the elbow!
RIP
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As recounted to me many moons ago:
Early 80's at a little petrol station only minutes from a busy Wilts transport hub, Army officer of indiscriminate rank, is filling his little sports car, SAC biker comes out of shop having paid for his petrol.
Army: Airman!! don't you salute Army officers in the Air Force
SAC: I don't think we have any Army officers in the Air Force!
He got his helmet on, started his bike and left before brown thing was able to reply
Early 80's at a little petrol station only minutes from a busy Wilts transport hub, Army officer of indiscriminate rank, is filling his little sports car, SAC biker comes out of shop having paid for his petrol.
Army: Airman!! don't you salute Army officers in the Air Force
SAC: I don't think we have any Army officers in the Air Force!
He got his helmet on, started his bike and left before brown thing was able to reply
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Measurement
Berlin, early '60s
Works & Bricks were told to mark out the aircraft parking areas to cope with new transport aircraft brought into service since the original airlift, at a time when the possibility of a second airlift was felt to be pretty high. The plans from "Europe's Offshore Island" were duly handed to the German foreman of the painting team, who fairly soon came back to report that the hardstandings had been duly painted. Rumours started to spread that the RAF now had such huge transports that there was room for only four or five ...
When he checked, the Head of Gatow's Works & Bricks was surprised to find that this did seem to be so, until he checked the drawings, whose dimensions were in Imperial, which the efficient workers had read in Metric.
Talk about "offshore" ... But it was good for a bit of a larf, and possibly even got the Red people's Intelligence a bit flummoxed.
Painting white lines to Imperial measurements took a lot longer than during the "Metric Moment" ...
Works & Bricks were told to mark out the aircraft parking areas to cope with new transport aircraft brought into service since the original airlift, at a time when the possibility of a second airlift was felt to be pretty high. The plans from "Europe's Offshore Island" were duly handed to the German foreman of the painting team, who fairly soon came back to report that the hardstandings had been duly painted. Rumours started to spread that the RAF now had such huge transports that there was room for only four or five ...
When he checked, the Head of Gatow's Works & Bricks was surprised to find that this did seem to be so, until he checked the drawings, whose dimensions were in Imperial, which the efficient workers had read in Metric.
Talk about "offshore" ... But it was good for a bit of a larf, and possibly even got the Red people's Intelligence a bit flummoxed.
Painting white lines to Imperial measurements took a lot longer than during the "Metric Moment" ...
Last edited by Jig Peter; 4th Oct 2011 at 14:47. Reason: Spot of tidying up - should have proof-read before posting ..
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An Army one
I had this related to me second hand and didn’t see it for myself.
Germany mid 80’s, the gallant and the good exercising in preparation to repel the Russian hoards at a field location somewhere. As was the custom in those days, everything was done with the NBC threat in mind, so all and sundry were perpetually wearing Noddy suits. Some wag decides to move to 3Romeo (full protection with respirators, or NBC high as it was known as then). The relevant noises were made and everyone was “in time and masked in nine”. Except for the young steely eyed dealer of death Smithy (real name long forgotten), who was in the trees sending a family member to the coast.
The CO and RSM were purposely moving around the location making sure everyone was adopting the correct drills and taking things seriously. They come across young Smithy exiting the trees, business done, who has not heard the signal and so is not wearing his respirator. The RSM (we wore our name and rank on the chest in those days for recognition when masked up) goes from satisfied with proceedings to nigh apoplectic and screams at the offender “High Smithy High”, to which the innocent young man, ignorant of the state, replies “Hi Sir” and carries on leaving the illustrious leaders of men confused and speechless.
Germany mid 80’s, the gallant and the good exercising in preparation to repel the Russian hoards at a field location somewhere. As was the custom in those days, everything was done with the NBC threat in mind, so all and sundry were perpetually wearing Noddy suits. Some wag decides to move to 3Romeo (full protection with respirators, or NBC high as it was known as then). The relevant noises were made and everyone was “in time and masked in nine”. Except for the young steely eyed dealer of death Smithy (real name long forgotten), who was in the trees sending a family member to the coast.
The CO and RSM were purposely moving around the location making sure everyone was adopting the correct drills and taking things seriously. They come across young Smithy exiting the trees, business done, who has not heard the signal and so is not wearing his respirator. The RSM (we wore our name and rank on the chest in those days for recognition when masked up) goes from satisfied with proceedings to nigh apoplectic and screams at the offender “High Smithy High”, to which the innocent young man, ignorant of the state, replies “Hi Sir” and carries on leaving the illustrious leaders of men confused and speechless.
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Secret Helicopter base nr Basingstoke, the mad Sangar building phase, one Sqn thinks it is clever to build them on pallets to allow drainage... Stores find it clever too, overnight Stores fork lift said Sangar to their section...
AOC's inspection same base and workshops digging de-weeding flower beds for first time since last inspection, turn over a corroded but live hand grenade.............
flower beds abandoned to nature.
Brize line and the little garden outside section, WO's pride and joy, his roses were grown on the sweat of his staff... one dark night all roses were lifted, several gallons of skydrol were added to the resulting holes and roses reinserted.... never seen a man so close to dispair as he tried everything to treat those plants and cure the mysterious disease.
AOC's inspection same base and workshops digging de-weeding flower beds for first time since last inspection, turn over a corroded but live hand grenade.............
flower beds abandoned to nature.
Brize line and the little garden outside section, WO's pride and joy, his roses were grown on the sweat of his staff... one dark night all roses were lifted, several gallons of skydrol were added to the resulting holes and roses reinserted.... never seen a man so close to dispair as he tried everything to treat those plants and cure the mysterious disease.
RAF Stanley 1983 - Accident With Stn Cdr's Office
It is 1983 at RAF Stanley and the newly arrived Stn Cdr has decided that he would like his office, which is in a COSALT cabin at ground level in front of the only building that survived the bombing (Ops + Movs), rotated through 90 degrees so that he can have a better view of aircraft movements on the runway. COSALT cabins all had a prominent notice on them advising that they should only be lifted by crane when empty and collapsed (ie with the sides folded in and the roof down). Just as I'm driving up to the building to visit OC Eng & Supply Wg, but not close enough to do anything in time, I see a crane driver attempting to lift the cabin fully assembled. Seconds later the roof is hanging from the crane, and the remainder of the cabin is still on the ground, with the sides collapsed out on all 4 sides, and with the desk, chairs and security cabinets still in place. Cue feverish activity as it's all hands on deck to chase classified papers blowing all over the airfield.
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Excuse vagueness of following but have strong recollection of reading an article in an air safety magazine or similar about the loss of a number of aircraft over a matter of minutes at an airfield down South.
I think it involved Hunters, Canberras and Vampires. A couple of aircraft were in circuit when the tower informed one that there were flames coming out the back. The crew of the other aircraft thinking it referred to them chose to eject. Crewless aircraft then ploughed into the ground straight into a collection of other aircraft parked on the pans. The pilot of the first aircraft, possibly a Hunter, having realised that the Tower was referring to it as being on fire closed off all the fuel cocks, causing the engines to cease to work and it's demise on the runway. Etc, etc, etc.
The name Horsham seems to ring a bell, but don't know why. Could be a similar sounding name. Does this whole episode awake any memories? The article was a full page, smallish type, so a lot happened there that day.
I think it involved Hunters, Canberras and Vampires. A couple of aircraft were in circuit when the tower informed one that there were flames coming out the back. The crew of the other aircraft thinking it referred to them chose to eject. Crewless aircraft then ploughed into the ground straight into a collection of other aircraft parked on the pans. The pilot of the first aircraft, possibly a Hunter, having realised that the Tower was referring to it as being on fire closed off all the fuel cocks, causing the engines to cease to work and it's demise on the runway. Etc, etc, etc.
The name Horsham seems to ring a bell, but don't know why. Could be a similar sounding name. Does this whole episode awake any memories? The article was a full page, smallish type, so a lot happened there that day.
There's two possibilities which spring to mind, which in some cases appear to have merged in the telling over the years.
The first was at Horsham during Ex Vigilant in May '57. Javelin taxying while two Hunters from 74 Sqn are, respectively, preparing to take off and on finals.
One of the mountings for one of the Javelin's 'bosom' tanks comes adrift, rear of tank falls to tarmac and scrapes along losing fuel as the Javelin goes along. The inevitable happens.
ATC then shouts "You're on fire!" forgetting that there are two Hunters about, both of whom assume they are on fire. Hunter taking off aborts take off rather late. Brakes haven't a chance to work. Overshoots runway, does a spot of topiary on a hedge at end of runway, ends up in a field. Hunter coming in to land is put down quickly by pilot - but a bit too quickly and lands very hard. Whereupon his seat fires and pings him out of the aircraft while his erstwhile steed conducts some interior design on an airmen's accommodation block.
Javelin crew, still tayxying, still burning look on aghast. Nav observes 'damned hot today', prompting pilot to turn head and see that there may be a reason for his nav's warmth. Crew abandon aircraft (nav bruising his heels as he lands in running position, allegedly). Javelin reduced to ashes.
The second that might fit the bill was in 1956 in which six Hunters crashed after running out of fuel. They were flying from West Raynham, but the weather deteriorated to the point where they were diverted to Marham, where they ran into fog.
There was considerable confusion and the end result was that the Hunters (all Mark 1s) were on fumes. One flew into the ground killing the pilot while on approach, one belly landed and four pilots ejected. The remaining two aircraft landed safely. Again from memory, one of the two that got down ran out of fuel before getting off the end of the runway.
The first was at Horsham during Ex Vigilant in May '57. Javelin taxying while two Hunters from 74 Sqn are, respectively, preparing to take off and on finals.
One of the mountings for one of the Javelin's 'bosom' tanks comes adrift, rear of tank falls to tarmac and scrapes along losing fuel as the Javelin goes along. The inevitable happens.
ATC then shouts "You're on fire!" forgetting that there are two Hunters about, both of whom assume they are on fire. Hunter taking off aborts take off rather late. Brakes haven't a chance to work. Overshoots runway, does a spot of topiary on a hedge at end of runway, ends up in a field. Hunter coming in to land is put down quickly by pilot - but a bit too quickly and lands very hard. Whereupon his seat fires and pings him out of the aircraft while his erstwhile steed conducts some interior design on an airmen's accommodation block.
Javelin crew, still tayxying, still burning look on aghast. Nav observes 'damned hot today', prompting pilot to turn head and see that there may be a reason for his nav's warmth. Crew abandon aircraft (nav bruising his heels as he lands in running position, allegedly). Javelin reduced to ashes.
The second that might fit the bill was in 1956 in which six Hunters crashed after running out of fuel. They were flying from West Raynham, but the weather deteriorated to the point where they were diverted to Marham, where they ran into fog.
There was considerable confusion and the end result was that the Hunters (all Mark 1s) were on fumes. One flew into the ground killing the pilot while on approach, one belly landed and four pilots ejected. The remaining two aircraft landed safely. Again from memory, one of the two that got down ran out of fuel before getting off the end of the runway.