Parade Speak

[Skeleton]

My all time classic was at lossie many moons ago.....

Waiting for the Duke of Edinburgh who was late....

SWO facing the parade is clearly getting agitated at HRH's tardiness.

"Where the f*45/k is he"... shouldnt be allowed"

Lad in fromt of me motions to SWO of approaching figure and hangers on....

SWO.. "Don't be stupid that isnt him"

Lad "I think you will find it is"

SWO "Stand fast im not blind"

Lad " It is him Sir... look again"

SWO.. swivels in real Fulton Mackay style........

"OH JESUS H CHRIST IT IS"!!!!!!!

I am sure HRH heard every word

Certainly we all did.. HRH smiled throughout along with most of those on parade

[Aeronut]

DI to recruit:

"Are you naturally bow-legged or did you press those trousers round a barrel?"



With visiting ladies present and recruits marching through corridor:

"Mind your language gentlemen............ c@nt in the corridor!!"



As apprentices during the many many wing parades (nice and early so not to affect the training day) when the order -

"Fall out the officers" was given many apprentices would use that as the cue to evacuate the bowels of any excess gas!!!! Horrendous.

[propulike]

Graduation Day, the NCO Discip was standing outside the church with uniform sharp as a razor, boots that put mirrors to shame and a pace stick stuck under his arm as now ex-cadets, mums and grannies came out. One bloke walked out of church with no hat in sight and was spotted immediately.

The NCO turned puce and started “WHE-ERE’s your H-A-T…” then bit his tongue, tried to keep his lips tightly closed, clenched his teeth but couldn’t stop “….C#NT??!!?” , then snapped himself to attention, about turned and marched himself off.

[Art Field]

After three months of a freezing Lincolnshire winter at the ITS at Kirton Lindsey in 1957, having been drilled up hill and down dale by Sgt Latham we arrived at London , Ontario to join a NATO course passing out parade from language school. Halfway through, the Group Captain taking the parade, using a Tannoy system to give the orders, came out with " OK you guys, everyone fall out for a smoke". Everyone bar the RAF "guys" did, we stood there waiting for a "STAND STILL" from Lathams rich parade ground tones. One of the best, do they come like him anymore?.

[wub]

St Mawgan 1971, AoC's Parade final rehearsal:

SWO marches up to airman, looks him up and down and barks: "Airman, why are you the only man in the Royal Air Force to be issued with lime green socks?"

Airman replys "You know it's funny, but I've been asking myself the same question"

Airman gets to watch final parade from inside Guardroom.


Swinderby 1971 (I don't remember the hill either). DI gives the order to shoulder arms. Guy next to me hoists SLR with fixed bayonet in such a clumsy way that the bayonet goes into his armpit, blood everywhere. DI roars "Stop fcuking bleeding you clumsy c*nt!"

Swinderby passing out parade. Airman in front of me steps on a Mars Bar wrapper as we march on, sounds akin to someone dragging their feet. DI roars "Who's dragging their feet, six weeks I've had you buggers and you still can't get it right on your last day!"

Me: "Excuse me Sgt, this man has a Mars bar wrapper stuck to his foot"

DI: "Shut the **** up"

Last one: DI: "Fall out for a smoke break, if you don't smoke just go throught the motions"

[BEagle]

But there were also the kindly ones, like our 'Uncle Les' Rodda at RAFC.

On Wednesday drill I committed some minor indiscretion like breathing out of step or something - which, predictably, attracted the eye and wrath of the CWWO, Mr Garbutt...

"Sarn't Rodda, that idle man there, take his name!" bellowed Mr G.

This obviously surprised Les as he hadn't noticed anything amiss.." Yes Sir, right Sir, got his name, Sir. Flt Cdt BEagle - see me after parade"

"Bollocks", I thought. Cocking up in front of Mr G usually meant 'strikers' which meant wearing white webbing all bloody day, having several parades with inspections and being restricted from doing anything else. Get any part of it wrong and you could stay on ‘strikers’ for ever.

After parade I sought out Les but he wasn't in his office. So, back to the block to get rid of webbing and boots - only to bump into him drinking coffee with our batties. All of whom were in very good spirits, possibly something to do with the empty bottle of Lamb's Navy Rum in the waste-paper basket....

"Sgt Rodda....." I began...

"Ah, Mishter BEagle. We mushn't upshet the cobbly-wobbly officer on parade now, mush’ we - sho pleash go and do my phone directory amnd....amedmn.... ALs would you?"

"Yes Sgt!"

Wonderful chap, Les. Gave 5 of us a lift to Grantham station at the end of the first term rather than have us miss the train waiting for a late taxi!

As Arters said, do they come like him anymore?

[BTDTGTTShirt]

Halton Mid Seventies – Cpl Lunnon later SWO at Witton I think

Duty tick tocker is destroying his parade
In a very deep Welsh baritone voice----and very loud
Laddy if you don’t sort them f*c£ing arms out I will rip them off and beat you over the ed wif the soggy ends

Later tick tocker still tick tocking.
You is a Russian spy. You ave bin sent ere to destroy my luvly parade. Go over there and watch ow it shood be done then go to stores and get your orrible body a new clock.

I remember the hill at Swinderby. IIRC it was on the east side of the field close to the old taxi way. I think it was one of those old blast shelters that had been filled in on both sides. They had a couple at Finningley as well

[joe2812]

Sgt: Do you understand me laddie?

Cdt: Yes sarge

Sgt: Sarge? SARGE?? There are only two types of 'sarge' - a sau-sarge and a pas-sarge. Call me that again and I will stick my sau-sarge up your pas-sarge!

[Lyneham Lad]

Initial Training Camp St Athan 1963.....
The first three months mean no going off camp, no weekend passes, no nothing. The DI is a Scottish Cpl name of Brown. As the time for the end of ITC approaches, the said Cpl Brown organises a Saturday coach trip to Bristol for 'ice-skating' and encourages all of us to put our names down. No persuasion needed. Arriving at lunch time in central Bristol (and bearing in mind we have spent 3 months in complete social solitude), he announces "right you 'orrible lot, coach departs 23.00, fcuk off and enjoy yourselves.......oh and by the way, there is no ice skating rink in Bristol...." Priceless!

[Blacksheep]

SWO addressing "Angry" Frank Moorhen

"Are those your best boots?"
"No, Sir"
"So, why aren't you wearing your BEST boots then?"
'Cos they're brown Sir!"

One day we were marched off to the armoury to be issued with our very own 'Drill Purpose' No 4 SMLE rifles. Aircraft Apprentice Morrison, was standing to one side with his new rifle over his shoulder, holding it by the muzzle end with the butt sticking out at the back. Corporal Bailey screams: "Morrison! Who the fu*% do you think you are!?!? Davy fu*%ing Crockett?" He was just the first of our entry to discover the pain of double marching twice round Maitland parade ground holding the 11 pound Lee Enfield at arms length above one's head.

In my own favourite encounter at Halton in 1963, we were standing at ease in that interminable wait for the Parade Commander to turn up and take over from the DIs. The officers had already been marched on. To ease the tension we were taught to wiggle our toes in our boots without visible movement. Being an individualist, I was waggling my ears. From behind our flight, Sgt "Dino" Stoneman whispered - in the 80 decibel manner of a long service Drill Instructor - the immortal line:

"Blacksheep - stop waggling your bloody ears!!!"

The entire parade dissolved in hysterics.

[Like This - Do That]

Laugh about it now, but as an 18yo I was truly frightened of this little man. He had WP burns up his arms from Vietnam and the most terrifying stare .... and his voice could be heard for miles.

Turned out to be a nice bloke, but for those first three weeks or so ... crickey. His favourite was tearing arms off.

"BLOGGS! Wave those arms again and I'll tear them off and flog you to death with the wet end"
"BLOGGS! Wave those arms again and I'll tear them off, stick them in your ears and ride you around the depot like a bicycle"
"BLOGGS! I'll tear your arms off, stick them in your ears and set you on fire. You'll go up in a puff of smoke"

I rarely copped his fury, which probably explained his calm response to my bayonet clattering across the parade ground during ceremonial 'fix bayonets' training.

The tip of the bayonet caught in the scabbard just when it was pulled out during the delay before "FIX" .... the parade ground was silent then CLATTER CLATTER CLATTER .... followed by my knees trembling. He glared .... "pick it up". Sh1tting myself then, p1ssing myself now.

Aaaah happy days.

[Circuit Basher]

Three from RAFC IOT days in 81 / 82:

As duty cdt when we were in No 2 IOT Mess, I had the honour of escorting the Flt Cdr round for a room inspection, taking notes. As was usual, all the inspectees had to stand out in the corridoor awaiting their turn to be inspected. Whenver Flt Cdr went into a room, all non-inspectees ran into their room to mop up the basin from the perpetually dripping tap that we all had! Around came the time for the inspection of SO Carr's room, and the Flt Cdr went in and shortly after, he spotted a small money spider making its way down the wall of the room. Out came the shout 'SO Carr, I want a 1000 word essay on rules regarding the keeping of pets in the Mess!', to which SO Carr responded 'It's not a pet, sir, it's a visitor!'. He still got to write an essay on mess rules regarding visitors, but Flt Cdr and all present knew that SO Carr had won the day!

2: On green parade outside the Rockery, they used to have spot checks on all the kit we had in our CEFO. We were open ordered and then asked to present various items for inspection. SO Carr (again!) was behind me, but had none of his kit with him and I got a hissed request for whatever he was missing. For each item, where I was inspected, I then backhanded the item to SO Carr. All went fine, with mess tins, KFS, razor, etc all being backhanded. Unfortunately, one of the gunners passing by in the corridoor behind / above us spotted what was going on and brought it to the attention of FS Roffey. I then got punished 'SO Basher, do press ups until I get tired!' - SO Carr got off scot free!!

3: Rememberance Day Parade rehearsal on the Orange - SWO man watches us doing a practice and shouts 'Gentlemen, that was abysmal! Run 3 laps of the orange and do it again'. We comply, to be met with the comment 'That was better, it was now just appalling!' Another circuit of the Orange and another practice...

Good old days!!

[henry crun]

AOC's rehearsal 4 TTS St Athan, hundreds of Boy Entrants waiting in the bitter cold for the inspection to start.

One squadron in particular is waiting in trepidation because of the dire threats if there was a repeat of the shambles at the last rehearsal.

DI sgt notices a lad in the rear rank in front of him is missing one glove, so, without moving his feet he leaned forward to an impossible angle and growled in the boy's ear, "faint boy".

Lad whispers back "but I'm alright sgt",
another growl "faint when yer f*cking well told to, and you two on either side carry him off"

[Mosspigs]

Very demanding bergen run in the summer with our very Scottish DS.

Chap falls over and is unable to get up, holding his back with his hands. DS screams, “ What’s fu**ing wrang with you”?

Cadet replies gasping for breath, “It’s my kidneys Colour”.

“Aye” says the very Scottish Colour Sergeant, “Yer kidney be bothered” and with that ran off.

Apologies to all Scots for the written accent!!

[Arbie]

Heard this one on the grapevine from a fairly recent Cranwell grad.

Just before marching on to the Orange, the Sqn was being inspected, as per usual, by the Flt Sgts - who are, of course, all very PC these days (and admirably restrained in my opinion!).

One of the Flt Sgts reaches a particularly stunning female cadet; stops in front of her; and gives her a long, lingering look up and down. "Smith," he says, "If I was your father.....I'd still be bathing you."


Beautiful!

[An Teallach]

Teallach! Do that again and i'll ram this pace stick up your @rse and march you off this square like a fecking toffee apple!

[Navaleye]

RSM Shouting to a bunch of grunts in Gib. "Get fell in, as you was, the whistle's blew" . Perfect army grammar.

[navigator]

ITS South Cerney 1960. Course drill instructor Flt. Sgt. Ford. Comment at my marching prowess- Mr. D.......... "your'e marching as if the 'airs of your a..e are tied together!

[chippy63]

There's the scene in An Officer and a Gentleman where a recruit is being "greeted" at a reception parade by the gunny;

Where you from, Boy?

Texas, gunnery sergeant!

I only know two thungs about Texas, steers and queers, and I don't see no horns, boy!

[buoy15]

IOT 1982 - end of Camp 2 at Stamford Range - the very Scottish FS Cockburn

"Right you lot, leave this place like you had never been here, this is a conversation area"

Pregnant pause and sniggers

"You mean a conservation area Flight Sergeant?"

"No I don't - after you've gone, the deer come down here and talk to each other"

His favourite method of waking late risers was to borrow a Bren gun, poke it into the tent and empty the magazine - fun to watch

Lovely man!