Parade Speak
Cunning Artificer
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We were practising for Sir Winston Churchill's funeral.
He was still alive at the time.
SWO has the whole gang gathered on Maitland Square, including all the Wing Officers and NCOs, and announces:
"You've all read in the paper that Sir Winston's condition is improving. Well it isn't! We're still practising and anyone what puts a foot wrong this time goes with him. Understand?".
He was still alive at the time.
SWO has the whole gang gathered on Maitland Square, including all the Wing Officers and NCOs, and announces:
"You've all read in the paper that Sir Winston's condition is improving. Well it isn't! We're still practising and anyone what puts a foot wrong this time goes with him. Understand?".
parade ground put downs
Not quite sure how I missed this thread.
May 1963 Cirencester railway stop(not really a station).. peeing with rain, several young chaps in automill , bus pulls up at far end of staion yard, man on step shouts "come along gentlemen I'm getting f***ing wet 'ere". Bloke beside me whimpered quietly, picked up his bags and got back on the train. Having established that there was one missing aforementioned Sgt Ned Sparkes goes off to train to havea word but comes back alone. For the next 4 months that guy disappeared into the blur of IOT. but many times since I've wondered; what did he say when he went home? and where is he now?
At that time there were Iraqi cadets there who had been to IOT a few years before but, subsequent to a coup were withdrawn and were sent to Russia to continue their training; and now , subsequent to another coup(Saddam???) came back to UK. They were fairly hard men and after decking their flt.cdr. D Melaniphy(sp) one morning, were all put on restrictions. Me and my mate were also on restrictions and at the 1700 drill session under the eagle eye of WO Wadman we were rapidly sidelined as at double speed we were all over the hangar but the Iraqis were as one man. " I'm going to break them" he said "if it f***ing kills me"
After 45 mins WO purple with rage and they are still as one man. Apparenly that had been the normal drill speed in Russia and as they understood as much Russian as they understood English they just did their own thing BUT together. And now happily from retirement I look back and wonder What became of them?? Did any of them look back from 1991 to 1963 and reflect wistfully about their time in Gloucestershire and who they might be facing??
Ancient Mariner
May 1963 Cirencester railway stop(not really a station).. peeing with rain, several young chaps in automill , bus pulls up at far end of staion yard, man on step shouts "come along gentlemen I'm getting f***ing wet 'ere". Bloke beside me whimpered quietly, picked up his bags and got back on the train. Having established that there was one missing aforementioned Sgt Ned Sparkes goes off to train to havea word but comes back alone. For the next 4 months that guy disappeared into the blur of IOT. but many times since I've wondered; what did he say when he went home? and where is he now?
At that time there were Iraqi cadets there who had been to IOT a few years before but, subsequent to a coup were withdrawn and were sent to Russia to continue their training; and now , subsequent to another coup(Saddam???) came back to UK. They were fairly hard men and after decking their flt.cdr. D Melaniphy(sp) one morning, were all put on restrictions. Me and my mate were also on restrictions and at the 1700 drill session under the eagle eye of WO Wadman we were rapidly sidelined as at double speed we were all over the hangar but the Iraqis were as one man. " I'm going to break them" he said "if it f***ing kills me"
After 45 mins WO purple with rage and they are still as one man. Apparenly that had been the normal drill speed in Russia and as they understood as much Russian as they understood English they just did their own thing BUT together. And now happily from retirement I look back and wonder What became of them?? Did any of them look back from 1991 to 1963 and reflect wistfully about their time in Gloucestershire and who they might be facing??
Ancient Mariner
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Marching down to the New Workshops at Halton in 1989. A D.I spots an errant airman and unable to name him shouts 'You -yes you in the blue' Hundreds of airmen grind to a halt and turn round blankly!
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Not on parade, but...
The circuit at Middle Wallop, summer in late 1960s, student pilots doing interminable solo circuits, FW left, RW right.
Drawled radio transmission without callsign: "Christ I'm bored".
Outraged response: "WHO SAID THAT? Aircraft that just transmitted, identify yourself! This is the CFI".
Pause. Drawled transmission: "Not THAT bored".
The circuit at Middle Wallop, summer in late 1960s, student pilots doing interminable solo circuits, FW left, RW right.
Drawled radio transmission without callsign: "Christ I'm bored".
Outraged response: "WHO SAID THAT? Aircraft that just transmitted, identify yourself! This is the CFI".
Pause. Drawled transmission: "Not THAT bored".
Last edited by Clockwork Mouse; 12th Dec 2005 at 08:26.
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Some favourites of mine - uttered by the CWO at Cranwell, mid-90s. All uttered in a strong, shouted Scottish way:
"Is your name Head? Richard Head? Dick Head? Is that you? There's always one!"
"Bend and drive, laddie, bend and drive"
"I feel a parade coming on - open the doors"
"Is your name Head? Richard Head? Dick Head? Is that you? There's always one!"
"Bend and drive, laddie, bend and drive"
"I feel a parade coming on - open the doors"
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Slight variation on one already mentioned here:
Recruit: Sarge.
Sgt: Sarge, F**king Sarge! There are only 3 "sarges in this world: mas-sarge, Sau-sarge and Pas-sarge. If you call me Sarge again, I'll mas-sarge your pas-sarge with my Sau-sarge! Understood?
Recruit: Sarge.
Sgt: Sarge, F**king Sarge! There are only 3 "sarges in this world: mas-sarge, Sau-sarge and Pas-sarge. If you call me Sarge again, I'll mas-sarge your pas-sarge with my Sau-sarge! Understood?
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Time; Apr 65
Place: RAF South Cerney
Our DS the inimitable Sgt S***** (he who had to use the F word at least twice in any sentence) berating one of the flight for alleged sloppiness. Object of his ire was a certain New Zealander and the good Sgt S***** was not known for his sympathy of 'colonials', of which there were quite a few. The 'colonials' happened to be in the same line, one one either side of our NZ friend, and happened to be smiling at the good Sgt's use of the English language. 'Who's that gormless c*** standing next to you then Bloggs?' bellowed our DS. 'Why, you Sgt' replied our friend. Running round the peri track twice plus 'strickers' and extra marching that afternoon was a small price to pay.
Funny old thing but he always used to ask the 'colonials' to babysit for him and his wife when they went out. He was pretty generous with the beer and Mrs S always provided one with a good spread.
Place: RAF South Cerney
Our DS the inimitable Sgt S***** (he who had to use the F word at least twice in any sentence) berating one of the flight for alleged sloppiness. Object of his ire was a certain New Zealander and the good Sgt S***** was not known for his sympathy of 'colonials', of which there were quite a few. The 'colonials' happened to be in the same line, one one either side of our NZ friend, and happened to be smiling at the good Sgt's use of the English language. 'Who's that gormless c*** standing next to you then Bloggs?' bellowed our DS. 'Why, you Sgt' replied our friend. Running round the peri track twice plus 'strickers' and extra marching that afternoon was a small price to pay.
Funny old thing but he always used to ask the 'colonials' to babysit for him and his wife when they went out. He was pretty generous with the beer and Mrs S always provided one with a good spread.
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"You are a bag of sh*t airmen. Get off my parade square, and I want you to run so fast your f*cking arms break!"
I always wondered how fast that would have to be...
"Are you cold?"
"Yes staff."
"See that fence?"
"Yes staff."
"F8cking run to it and back here then. That'll warm you up."
I've never been cold since...
I always wondered how fast that would have to be...
"Are you cold?"
"Yes staff."
"See that fence?"
"Yes staff."
"F8cking run to it and back here then. That'll warm you up."
I've never been cold since...
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Early 1980's in Depot Para :
" Private xxx did you iron that shirt?"
" YES CORPORAL "
" I agree, it must have taken you hours to iron all of those creases into it !! "
Same course, day one, PTI addresses lads:
"Bloggs where are you from?"
"Newcastle corporal"
Smug look from PTI : "That would make you a Geordie"
" And you, where are you from?"
" London corporal"
PTI puffs himself up: " that means you are a cockney"
" And I'm from Manchester, do you know what I am?"
Keen soldier shouts loudly: " Manky corporal"
" Private xxx did you iron that shirt?"
" YES CORPORAL "
" I agree, it must have taken you hours to iron all of those creases into it !! "
Same course, day one, PTI addresses lads:
"Bloggs where are you from?"
"Newcastle corporal"
Smug look from PTI : "That would make you a Geordie"
" And you, where are you from?"
" London corporal"
PTI puffs himself up: " that means you are a cockney"
" And I'm from Manchester, do you know what I am?"
Keen soldier shouts loudly: " Manky corporal"
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Not quite the same as the above... but Parade related anyway. Senior Officer is inspecting the ship's company. Marching along between the ranks he pauses in front of one Matelot... "And how long have you been onboard the ship?" he asks...
"Not as long as the sausages have Sir" was the brilliant, but perhaps out-of-place reply.
"Not as long as the sausages have Sir" was the brilliant, but perhaps out-of-place reply.
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RAF Locking, Winter 1965:-
Our Flight, attempting to march over snow and ice, collapses like ten-pins as the ranks slide about.
Sgt. DI: "What the f*ck are you all doing, prancing about like the f*cking HIROSHIMA GROUND ZERO GLEE CLUB!"
Priceless.
Our Flight, attempting to march over snow and ice, collapses like ten-pins as the ranks slide about.
Sgt. DI: "What the f*ck are you all doing, prancing about like the f*cking HIROSHIMA GROUND ZERO GLEE CLUB!"
Priceless.
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RAF Locking, 1983-ish
Newly posted in Chief-Tech wants to flex his muscles and larynx, so he orders a drill parade.
Duly formed-up sim-techs greet this with much enthusiasm.
After half-an-hours marching-up-and-down-a-bit the Chief realises we aren't really interested in this.
He launches into a tirade along the lines of "..You shower of sh***. I practise my drill every night and I press my trousers every night and I bull my shoes every night, blah, blah, blah..."
At which point a voice from the back says "I bet he drinks Carling Black Label", at which point the entire assembled mass descends into complete hysterical laughter, complete with dead-bug impersonations.
Stunned Chiefy is left open-mouthed and speechless as he thinks it's because of what he's said.
For some reason we never saw him again.
Newly posted in Chief-Tech wants to flex his muscles and larynx, so he orders a drill parade.
Duly formed-up sim-techs greet this with much enthusiasm.
After half-an-hours marching-up-and-down-a-bit the Chief realises we aren't really interested in this.
He launches into a tirade along the lines of "..You shower of sh***. I practise my drill every night and I press my trousers every night and I bull my shoes every night, blah, blah, blah..."
At which point a voice from the back says "I bet he drinks Carling Black Label", at which point the entire assembled mass descends into complete hysterical laughter, complete with dead-bug impersonations.
Stunned Chiefy is left open-mouthed and speechless as he thinks it's because of what he's said.
For some reason we never saw him again.
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Sticky Green to a bunch of URNU types at the beginning of their first drill lesson: 'Your arse is grass and I'm your £**king lawn mower!'
Mary Whitehouse at BRNC yelling across the parade ground to someone who can't get their arms far enough back: 'In the rear with the gear!'
Mary Whitehouse at BRNC yelling across the parade ground to someone who can't get their arms far enough back: 'In the rear with the gear!'
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Lovely thread! That's the trouble with nostalgia these days - it's not what it used to be.
A couple of oldies:
CSM: What's wrong with that belt laddie?
Pte: It's frayed sir
CSM: It's 'Fraid of f***ing blanco!
And the RSM describing his theory on methods of instruction to the hofficers:
It's perfectly simple gentlemen. First, you tells the soldiers what it is you are about to tell them. Then you tells them. Then you tells them what it is you 'ave just told them.
A couple of oldies:
CSM: What's wrong with that belt laddie?
Pte: It's frayed sir
CSM: It's 'Fraid of f***ing blanco!
And the RSM describing his theory on methods of instruction to the hofficers:
It's perfectly simple gentlemen. First, you tells the soldiers what it is you are about to tell them. Then you tells them. Then you tells them what it is you 'ave just told them.
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First, you tells the soldiers what it is you are about to tell them. Then you tells them. Then you tells them what it is you 'ave just told them.
BA
