Laughter in the air
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 36
Likes: 0
From: uk
Laughter in the air
come on girls and boys, please tell us your stewardess and steward jokes, or any other funnies you may have.
i posted this on jet blast but thought it more apropriate here.
Nagging and generally bothersome old lady passenger to stewardess who's having a VERY bad day, "can you tell me, how does the pilot find the airport after flying all these miles"?. "well madam" says our heroine "all pilots have to have exellent eyesight, and with the nice big windows they have up front they can see for miles and miles so its easy for them to find the airport" "well dear" says the old lady " thats all very well but how do they find their way at night"?. Stewardess (now feeling peeved at being delayed even more) "madam, if you look out of the right window, you will see a red light, now if you look out of the left window you will see a green one, all the pilot has to do is stay in between them and he knows he's going the right way"!!!!.
ok i'll shut up!!!!!
Greg
i posted this on jet blast but thought it more apropriate here.
Nagging and generally bothersome old lady passenger to stewardess who's having a VERY bad day, "can you tell me, how does the pilot find the airport after flying all these miles"?. "well madam" says our heroine "all pilots have to have exellent eyesight, and with the nice big windows they have up front they can see for miles and miles so its easy for them to find the airport" "well dear" says the old lady " thats all very well but how do they find their way at night"?. Stewardess (now feeling peeved at being delayed even more) "madam, if you look out of the right window, you will see a red light, now if you look out of the left window you will see a green one, all the pilot has to do is stay in between them and he knows he's going the right way"!!!!.
ok i'll shut up!!!!!
Greg
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,297
Likes: 0
From: The Burrow, N53:48:02 W1:48:57, The Tin Tent - EGBS, EGBO
if you look out of the right window, you will see a red light, now if you look out of the left window you will see a green one, all the pilot has to do is stay in between them and he knows he's going the right way"!!!!.
An almighty great BANG! would seem to be the next thing to happen. 
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 36
Likes: 0
From: uk
oooops, that'll teach me to pprune after taking my vodka and valium chaser
should of course read right window, GREEN light, left window RED light.....tut tut, and i have spent the blimming day WORKING on an aircrafts WINGS too!!!!!! i'm having a muppett day 
i blame the squirrels, they made me do it.....
Greg
should of course read right window, GREEN light, left window RED light.....tut tut, and i have spent the blimming day WORKING on an aircrafts WINGS too!!!!!! i'm having a muppett day i blame the squirrels, they made me do it.....Greg
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 73
Likes: 0
From: London
An airline pilot leaves for his 3 day trip in rather a hurry, when he gets to the aircraft he realises that he has left his brain at home.
What am I gonna do he thinks? Then he remembers the brain shop in the terminal building.
"I'd like a brain please" says the Captain.
"Certainly sir, I have two, a flight crew brain, that costs $1000 or a flight attendant brain that costs $500"
"Just out of interest why is the flight attendant brain cheaper?"
"That's because the flight attendant brain has been used sir"
Taxi for one please!
T x
What am I gonna do he thinks? Then he remembers the brain shop in the terminal building.
"I'd like a brain please" says the Captain.
"Certainly sir, I have two, a flight crew brain, that costs $1000 or a flight attendant brain that costs $500"
"Just out of interest why is the flight attendant brain cheaper?"
"That's because the flight attendant brain has been used sir"
Taxi for one please!
T x
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 986
Likes: 0
From: all over the shop
One from each side of the flight deck door:
What do pilots use for contraception?
Their personalities!
----------------------------
How many crew does it take to serve the flight deck coffee?
100 - 1 to do it, and 99 to bitch in the galley about having to do it
Happy Flying All!
ps just to prove I am not biased either way, sometimes I think the 'contraception/personality' joke applies to both sides of the flight deck door!
What do pilots use for contraception?
Their personalities!
----------------------------
How many crew does it take to serve the flight deck coffee?
100 - 1 to do it, and 99 to bitch in the galley about having to do it
Happy Flying All!
ps just to prove I am not biased either way, sometimes I think the 'contraception/personality' joke applies to both sides of the flight deck door!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 14
Likes: 0
From: Brasil
THE COPILOT
THE COPILOT
by Keith Murray, DC-3 copilot
I am the copilot, I sit on the right.
It´s up to me to be quick and bright
I never talk back for I have regreats,
But I have to remember what the Captain forgets.
I make out the Flight Plan and study the weather
Pull up the gear, stand by to feather;
Make out the mail forms and do the reporting
And fly the old crate while the Captain is courting.
I take the readings, adjust the power,
Put on the heaters when we're in a shower;
Tell him where we are on the darkest night,
And do all the book work without any light.
I call for my Captain and buy him cokes;
I always laugh at his corny jokes,
And once in a while when his landings are rusty,
I always come through with, "By gosh, it's gusty!"
All in all I'm a general stooge
As I sit to the right of the man I call "Scrooge";
I guess you think that is past understanding,
But maybe some day he will give me a landing.
by Keith Murray, DC-3 copilot
I am the copilot, I sit on the right.
It´s up to me to be quick and bright
I never talk back for I have regreats,
But I have to remember what the Captain forgets.
I make out the Flight Plan and study the weather
Pull up the gear, stand by to feather;
Make out the mail forms and do the reporting
And fly the old crate while the Captain is courting.
I take the readings, adjust the power,
Put on the heaters when we're in a shower;
Tell him where we are on the darkest night,
And do all the book work without any light.
I call for my Captain and buy him cokes;
I always laugh at his corny jokes,
And once in a while when his landings are rusty,
I always come through with, "By gosh, it's gusty!"
All in all I'm a general stooge
As I sit to the right of the man I call "Scrooge";
I guess you think that is past understanding,
But maybe some day he will give me a landing.
The Reverend
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 2,020
Likes: 0
From: Sydney,NSW,Australia
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 98
Likes: 0
From: UK
How do you know if you have a captain at your party? ................
Dont worry, he'l soon tell you!
How do you know if you have cabin crew at your party? ......
They will stand behind your curtains, eat all your sandwiches and bitch about you all night!
Dont worry, he'l soon tell you!
How do you know if you have cabin crew at your party? ......
They will stand behind your curtains, eat all your sandwiches and bitch about you all night!
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 36
Likes: 0
From: uk
things you don't want to hear in an aircraft.....
1, sudden loud noises
2, sudden silences
3, that the 'autopilot watchers office'
has been fitted with ejection seats
4, passenger pointing out the window and saying, "was that bit supposed to fall off"?
5, stewardess looking worried and asking "is there a pilot on board"
6, passenger saying "I'M GONNA BE SSS...HHUUUUUGH....."
gREG
1, sudden loud noises
2, sudden silences
3, that the 'autopilot watchers office'
has been fitted with ejection seats4, passenger pointing out the window and saying, "was that bit supposed to fall off"?
5, stewardess looking worried and asking "is there a pilot on board"
6, passenger saying "I'M GONNA BE SSS...HHUUUUUGH....."
gREG
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 986
Likes: 0
From: all over the shop
Emailed to me today:
Miss Flight Attendant
(to the tune of Miss Independant by Kelly Clarkson)
Miss Flight Attendant
Miss 'Here's your pretzels', Miss 'no more blank-eeets'
Miss 'Beverage Cart', Miss 'Smash My Knees', Miss
'We're all out of, cof-feeee', yeah!
Miss 'Safety Demo', Miss 'Keep this stowed'
Miss, 'always have to point out, the exit row'
So, keep your tray table up-rright, and she'll never ever feel up-tight
Little Miss Anal Retentive - so Oooh, keep your seatbelt on!
Why do we need these tricks in the sky? All that they do is say "Bye Bye"
They're fast, in first class
They're slow, in coach
What is the deal with flight attendants?
Nothing but flying waitresses!
Bye bye, bye bye now!
Bye bye, bye bye now..........
http://www.kygo.com/audio/MissFlightAttendant.mp3
(ps Before I get flamed for posting that, I will point out that I too am a flight attendant!)
Miss Flight Attendant
(to the tune of Miss Independant by Kelly Clarkson)
Miss Flight Attendant
Miss 'Here's your pretzels', Miss 'no more blank-eeets'
Miss 'Beverage Cart', Miss 'Smash My Knees', Miss
'We're all out of, cof-feeee', yeah!
Miss 'Safety Demo', Miss 'Keep this stowed'
Miss, 'always have to point out, the exit row'
So, keep your tray table up-rright, and she'll never ever feel up-tight
Little Miss Anal Retentive - so Oooh, keep your seatbelt on!
Why do we need these tricks in the sky? All that they do is say "Bye Bye"
They're fast, in first class
They're slow, in coach
What is the deal with flight attendants?
Nothing but flying waitresses!
Bye bye, bye bye now!
Bye bye, bye bye now..........
http://www.kygo.com/audio/MissFlightAttendant.mp3
(ps Before I get flamed for posting that, I will point out that I too am a flight attendant!)
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,157
Likes: 0
From: East of Runway 21
oldie but goodie...
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?”
She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?”
She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
