If I had a dollar for.....
Join Date: Apr 2003
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a dollar for ?
* The number of times I have answered a call bell which was pressed ' accidentally '
* The number of times I have caught passengers on Hong Kong flights opening up carts and atlas boxes in the rear galley swiping any food that is available- including crew chocolate bars !
* The number of times I have been poked, pushed and grabbed by passengers !
* The number of times I have caught passengers on Hong Kong flights opening up carts and atlas boxes in the rear galley swiping any food that is available- including crew chocolate bars !
* The number of times I have been poked, pushed and grabbed by passengers !
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QFskywalker - how funny!!! Tell me about the call buttons, esepcially those Japan flights!!!!!
If I had a $$$$ for......
Every time I ask a Japanese pax which meal they would like in Japanese, they sit there and stare at me with no respsonse (with a somewhat lost look on their face). I ask again, still no response. Third time lucky and after waiting no longer than 20 seconds they reply.
Also,
Do I have to pay for the alcohol?
RaverFlaver
If I had a $$$$ for......
Every time I ask a Japanese pax which meal they would like in Japanese, they sit there and stare at me with no respsonse (with a somewhat lost look on their face). I ask again, still no response. Third time lucky and after waiting no longer than 20 seconds they reply.
Also,
Do I have to pay for the alcohol?
RaverFlaver
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Or even a £...
*For every one of the barely dressed "bucket and spaders" that get off the a/c on a return journey from Ibiza/Palma/Benidorm etc... at 3 in the morning and are absolutely FREEZING!
(makes me chuckle every time! )
(makes me chuckle every time!
)
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... Those (pax and indeed crew too) who, when you land in Barbados, cry as they disembark.. "Oooh, innit a nice day?!!"
(Yes Madam/Sir/Colleague, this is the ********* Caribbean. This is what it DOES here! And why you've gone through the hell of flying with us to get here on your thrice-yearly long-haul holiday...
)
...oooh, you\'ve got me going now, Smile!!
..How about the row of (usually) teenagers who, as you fight your way down the aisle to do the safety demo, starting mimicking the Emergency Exits gestures and giggling sheepishly.. Wow, the demo is just so hilarious I can barely stay upright throughout.
Well, actually, it was once when I couldn\'t find a set of equipment and had to mime the whole lot... But let\'s not go there.
\
(Yes Madam/Sir/Colleague, this is the ********* Caribbean. This is what it DOES here! And why you've gone through the hell of flying with us to get here on your thrice-yearly long-haul holiday...
)...oooh, you\'ve got me going now, Smile!!
..How about the row of (usually) teenagers who, as you fight your way down the aisle to do the safety demo, starting mimicking the Emergency Exits gestures and giggling sheepishly.. Wow, the demo is just so hilarious I can barely stay upright throughout.
Well, actually, it was once when I couldn\'t find a set of equipment and had to mime the whole lot... But let\'s not go there.
\
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Oh a dollar for evertime... what a great topic whoever started it, so relevant to our tourist sectors at QANTASlink.
USUAL CONVERSATION (often with our yanky friends):
==================
PAX: "Is this a Boeing?"
C-CREW: "No acutally sir/mam, it's a British Aerospace 146"
PAX: "BRITISH AIRWAYS! I didn't know British Airways made there own plane"
C-CREW: "No British AEROSPACE sir/mam"
PAX: "You mean an AIRBUS?"
C-CREW: [oh dear] --> this is where I usually crack a door and stare blankly outside at the red rat in the next bay or something...
==================
C-CREW: "Hi sir/mam, can I get you a cold drink or a drink from the bar?"
PAX: "Yes I'll just have a cranberry juice with a twist of lime"
C-CREW: [oh dear] "Umm we don't have cranberry juice, I've got apple/orange/tomato juice however"
PAX: "Do you have Dr. Pepper"
C-CREW: [heavy breathing] "No sorry"
PAX: "OK I'll just have Sprite!"
C-CREW: [10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1]
==================
PAX: "Excuse me, the toilet smells"
C-CREW: "Well your all sh&^%ng in a pit, what more do you expect?"
****We don't actually say this of course, those of you that have been on a 146 and witnessed the 146 toilet first hand (esp. on a 100) would know what I mean. Only used it once, that was enough for me, I swear I'll have a catheda by the age of 25!!!
USUAL CONVERSATION (often with our yanky friends):
==================
PAX: "Is this a Boeing?"
C-CREW: "No acutally sir/mam, it's a British Aerospace 146"
PAX: "BRITISH AIRWAYS! I didn't know British Airways made there own plane"
C-CREW: "No British AEROSPACE sir/mam"
PAX: "You mean an AIRBUS?"
C-CREW: [oh dear] --> this is where I usually crack a door and stare blankly outside at the red rat in the next bay or something...
==================
C-CREW: "Hi sir/mam, can I get you a cold drink or a drink from the bar?"
PAX: "Yes I'll just have a cranberry juice with a twist of lime"
C-CREW: [oh dear] "Umm we don't have cranberry juice, I've got apple/orange/tomato juice however"
PAX: "Do you have Dr. Pepper"
C-CREW: [heavy breathing] "No sorry"
PAX: "OK I'll just have Sprite!"
C-CREW: [10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1]
==================
PAX: "Excuse me, the toilet smells"
C-CREW: "Well your all sh&^%ng in a pit, what more do you expect?"
****We don't actually say this of course, those of you that have been on a 146 and witnessed the 146 toilet first hand (esp. on a 100) would know what I mean. Only used it once, that was enough for me, I swear I'll have a catheda by the age of 25!!!
Last edited by trollies_r_go; 17th Sep 2005 at 14:35.
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A dollar or seven, please, for every time I've been confronted with a teetering stack of meal trays at the end of the service, by the person in the aisle...
"Look - we stacked them all up to help you!"
(Thanks. It only takes an extra 5 mins to separate them all out again and get them flat so they will actually go in the clearing trolley...!
)
"Look - we stacked them all up to help you!"
(Thanks. It only takes an extra 5 mins to separate them all out again and get them flat so they will actually go in the clearing trolley...!
)
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Don't forget:
Pax (at check-in): "Will there be food on this flight?"
Staff: "We will be serving snacks and drinks, sir"
Pax: "Oh alright, I want a meal with chicken in it."
Staff: "Sir, we will not be serving hot meals, it's sandwiches and snack items today."
Pax: "Oh all right. Can I get a plate of salad then?"
Staff: chews off ankle in order to escape endless loop...
And the luggage one, AGAIN:
Pax: "How much does my bag weigh?"
Staff(thinks): About a gazillion kilos too much...
Staff (says): You're over the weight limit, sir. We'll need to charge you for excess luggage.
Pax: But XXX never charge me excess!!
Staff (thinks) That's because you probably scream until they can't take it any more. Says: I'm sorry it's company policy, you can leave something with a friend if you like.
Pax: How much does my bag weigh again?
Staff: *sigh* XX kilos.
Pax: What's the limit?
Staff: *bigger sigh* XX kilos
Pax: So how much do I need to take out then??
Staff: (wishes could shove calculator somewhere the sun doesn't shine) XX kilos.
Pax: Can't I just take it out and carry it with me, then??
Staff: Bangs head on desk in frustration
We've all seen it, I'm sure!!!!!
Pax (at check-in): "Will there be food on this flight?"
Staff: "We will be serving snacks and drinks, sir"
Pax: "Oh alright, I want a meal with chicken in it."
Staff: "Sir, we will not be serving hot meals, it's sandwiches and snack items today."
Pax: "Oh all right. Can I get a plate of salad then?"
Staff: chews off ankle in order to escape endless loop...
And the luggage one, AGAIN:
Pax: "How much does my bag weigh?"
Staff(thinks): About a gazillion kilos too much...
Staff (says): You're over the weight limit, sir. We'll need to charge you for excess luggage.
Pax: But XXX never charge me excess!!
Staff (thinks) That's because you probably scream until they can't take it any more. Says: I'm sorry it's company policy, you can leave something with a friend if you like.
Pax: How much does my bag weigh again?
Staff: *sigh* XX kilos.
Pax: What's the limit?
Staff: *bigger sigh* XX kilos
Pax: So how much do I need to take out then??
Staff: (wishes could shove calculator somewhere the sun doesn't shine
) XX kilos.Pax: Can't I just take it out and carry it with me, then??
Staff: Bangs head on desk in frustration
We've all seen it, I'm sure!!!!!
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if i had a dollar:
for every time you say any tea sir and they say is that coffee
- yes sir thats why i said any tea
for every time we are flying at 33000 ft and pax say where are we flying over!!
for every time they say on a 50min flight do we just get the one cup of tea!!
-sir what do you think ?
for every time ive heard are these free drinks?
- your flying charter, you paid 99pound return
again the amount of call bells pressed by accident
for every time you say any tea sir and they say is that coffee
- yes sir thats why i said any tea
for every time we are flying at 33000 ft and pax say where are we flying over!!
for every time they say on a 50min flight do we just get the one cup of tea!!
-sir what do you think ?
for every time ive heard are these free drinks?
- your flying charter, you paid 99pound return
again the amount of call bells pressed by accident
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OMG...How Funny
Have to agree with the tea and coffee at Qantas... Gosh i would be very wealthy indeed....
Or
"What would you like to eat sir, the Butter Chicken or the Penne Pasta?"
"The lamb please"
"Sorry sir we are not serving lamb tonight, Would you like Chicken or Pasta..."
(Without looking at you still have the headphones on) "Sprite"...
After standing there laughing like crazy with other crew members and fellow passengers...they finally realise they need to take the headphones off....
(it is ALWAYS on the LAX route)
Or....
PAX: I love your tie, where can i get it from...
ME: So you only like my tie, what about the rest and the person inside it??
Or the all too familiar...
PAx: (Waving me over, so i wave back ofcourse.... finally walk over) What nationality am I??
ME: knowing full well she is American... Are you Mexican???
PAX: Oh no dear
Me: Are you Canadian??
PAX: No love im American...
(Call bell comes off, Smile turn around and work the aisle...)
Or the very familiar...
Boarding commencing...Im L3 therefore at Door...
Me: Goodevening Mr XXX, straight across and make a right hand turn....
Pax: Wow this is a nice business class, any chance of an Upgrade??
Me: any chance of a payrise???
(They get the drift)...
Loves it...
Godbless
Pico_or_Goodrich
PS: May sound quite rude, but its all about choosing your pax wisely and knowing who you can get away with, and seriously...they love it! so would I...id be very very wealthy!
Or
"What would you like to eat sir, the Butter Chicken or the Penne Pasta?"
"The lamb please"
"Sorry sir we are not serving lamb tonight, Would you like Chicken or Pasta..."
(Without looking at you still have the headphones on) "Sprite"...
After standing there laughing like crazy with other crew members and fellow passengers...they finally realise they need to take the headphones off....
(it is ALWAYS on the LAX route)
Or....
PAX: I love your tie, where can i get it from...
ME: So you only like my tie, what about the rest and the person inside it??
Or the all too familiar...
PAx: (Waving me over, so i wave back ofcourse.... finally walk over) What nationality am I??
ME: knowing full well she is American... Are you Mexican???
PAX: Oh no dear
Me: Are you Canadian??
PAX: No love im American...
(Call bell comes off, Smile turn around and work the aisle...)
Or the very familiar...
Boarding commencing...Im L3 therefore at Door...
Me: Goodevening Mr XXX, straight across and make a right hand turn....
Pax: Wow this is a nice business class, any chance of an Upgrade??
Me: any chance of a payrise???
(They get the drift)...
Loves it...
Godbless
Pico_or_Goodrich
PS: May sound quite rude, but its all about choosing your pax wisely and knowing who you can get away with, and seriously...they love it! so would I...id be very very wealthy!
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If I had a dollar for ....
I sat here reading this post and cracking up. Because as weird as it sounds this kind of stuff I thought only happened to me. **smirk
- When you come down the aisle to offer coffee.
FA : Anyone for a cup of coffee ?
PAX : Is that tea ?
Sometimes think I should just say yes it is tea and pour them a coffee and wait for the call bell.
- When the pax is seated in the exit row.
FA : Excuse me mam, I will just pop your bag in the overhead locker as your in an exit row.
PAX : Oh that is okay, I will just leave it here on the floor thank you.
This is when you just smile and want to tell them that their precious fake Louis Vitton handbag will be the death of you and those around during an emergency as it obstructs their exit.
- When they insist on pulling the toilet door despite the fact the word 'PUSH' is written boldly on the door and they continue pushing and then go to look for another toilet. (FA stands in the galley and just observes).
- Pax who on a 737, attempt to open the flight deck door thinking that is the toilet. Or they start opening the coat locker door looking confused.
PAX : Does this plane have any toilets ?
FA : (Speachless)
The highlight the other day for me was, I was in transit in BNE (Brisbane) and this family of 3 had been on my flight from SYD to BNE. I was having a coffee during my transit at the cafe in the terminal and the young girl from the family of 3 looks over and saw me.
She then looked really shocked and turned to her mother and said. "Look mummy, that is the waiter from our plane. Look he is drinking coffee and eating".
The mothers response was to grab her child's hand and say " Yes darling they eat and drink just like we do".
I wasn't sure if the mother was having a joke with her daughter or she actually meant that I was human too....
I sat here reading this post and cracking up. Because as weird as it sounds this kind of stuff I thought only happened to me. **smirk
- When you come down the aisle to offer coffee.
FA : Anyone for a cup of coffee ?
PAX : Is that tea ?
Sometimes think I should just say yes it is tea and pour them a coffee and wait for the call bell.
- When the pax is seated in the exit row.
FA : Excuse me mam, I will just pop your bag in the overhead locker as your in an exit row.
PAX : Oh that is okay, I will just leave it here on the floor thank you.
This is when you just smile and want to tell them that their precious fake Louis Vitton handbag will be the death of you and those around during an emergency as it obstructs their exit.
- When they insist on pulling the toilet door despite the fact the word 'PUSH' is written boldly on the door and they continue pushing and then go to look for another toilet. (FA stands in the galley and just observes).
- Pax who on a 737, attempt to open the flight deck door thinking that is the toilet. Or they start opening the coat locker door looking confused.
PAX : Does this plane have any toilets ?
FA : (Speachless)
The highlight the other day for me was, I was in transit in BNE (Brisbane) and this family of 3 had been on my flight from SYD to BNE. I was having a coffee during my transit at the cafe in the terminal and the young girl from the family of 3 looks over and saw me.
She then looked really shocked and turned to her mother and said. "Look mummy, that is the waiter from our plane. Look he is drinking coffee and eating".
The mothers response was to grab her child's hand and say " Yes darling they eat and drink just like we do".
I wasn't sure if the mother was having a joke with her daughter or she actually meant that I was human too....
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Bizzi_Boi, that's priceless!!!
Here's another that just drives me up the wall....
Pax/Family: Excuse me (heh if I'm lucky) what time does the flight from XXX arrive?
Me: That flight will be arriving at 6:30pm.
Pax: So is it running late then?
Me: No sir, that is the scheduled time.
Pax: So it's early then?
Me: At this moment it is running exactly on time.
Pax: So what time was it getting in again?
Me: 6:30pm sir.
Pax: 6:30? But my wife told me 7.00....
Me: (smile) well you'll get out of here a little sooner then, won't you?
Pax: But my wife said 7.00, why is it early?
Me: It is not early sir, the flight will arrive at the correct time.
Pax: Well you don't know what you're talking about then, if it's getting in at 6:30. She said 7.00.
Me: (smile sweetly) Well perhaps next time sir if you check with the airline, you'll get the correct time.
Pax: But it isn't the correct time...
Me:
!!
Here's another that just drives me up the wall....
Pax/Family: Excuse me (heh if I'm lucky) what time does the flight from XXX arrive?
Me: That flight will be arriving at 6:30pm.
Pax: So is it running late then?
Me: No sir, that is the scheduled time.
Pax: So it's early then?
Me: At this moment it is running exactly on time.
Pax: So what time was it getting in again?
Me: 6:30pm sir.
Pax: 6:30? But my wife told me 7.00....
Me: (smile) well you'll get out of here a little sooner then, won't you?
Pax: But my wife said 7.00, why is it early?
Me: It is not early sir, the flight will arrive at the correct time.
Pax: Well you don't know what you're talking about then, if it's getting in at 6:30. She said 7.00.
Me: (smile sweetly) Well perhaps next time sir if you check with the airline, you'll get the correct time.
Pax: But it isn't the correct time...
Me:
!!
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From the flightdeck...
"So, do you know what all these buttons do?!"
or
"Do you happen to know the football, cricket, rugby score?!"
DO I LOOK LIKE DES LYNHAM!!
"So, do you know what all these buttons do?!"
or
"Do you happen to know the football, cricket, rugby score?!"
DO I LOOK LIKE DES LYNHAM!!
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This didn't happen that often, but if was defo more than twice, and I think I should have twice the going rate for it.. :
Just after distribution of immigration/customs cards on a flight UK - US, passenger calls you over. He (for 'twas allus a He) is scratching head and poring in baffled manner over forms..
You : Yes, sir? How can I help?
Brainiac: Oh... ah... well.... (laughs in unique patronising tone).. Is there any chance you could find someone who can read well, and might be able to help me with this form?
And No, folks, they were NOT joking.
Just after distribution of immigration/customs cards on a flight UK - US, passenger calls you over. He (for 'twas allus a He) is scratching head and poring in baffled manner over forms..
You : Yes, sir? How can I help?
Brainiac: Oh... ah... well.... (laughs in unique patronising tone).. Is there any chance you could find someone who can read well, and might be able to help me with this form?
And No, folks, they were NOT joking.
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When the pax is seated in the exit row.
FA : Excuse me mam, I will just pop your bag in the overhead locker as your in an exit row.
PAX : Oh that is okay, I will just leave it here on the floor thank you.
FA : Excuse me mam, I will just pop your bag in the overhead locker as your in an exit row.
PAX : Oh that is okay, I will just leave it here on the floor thank you.
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A personal favourite of mine:
FA: Could I offer you some tea or coffee sir?
PAX: Yes please
FA: Tea or coffee?
PAX: Yes please
FA: (For crying out loud!!!) Would you like tea, or would you like coffee sir?
PAX: Oh, coffee please!
FA: Could I offer you some tea or coffee sir?
PAX: Yes please
FA: Tea or coffee?
PAX: Yes please
FA: (For crying out loud!!!) Would you like tea, or would you like coffee sir?
PAX: Oh, coffee please!
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For the amount of passengers who can't find the lav up the front of a 737 or how to open the lav door.....what makes people think that the ashtray opens the door rather than a door handle??????
- for every Club passenger who tries to get into the forward loo by opening the side cupboard or the oven!!!!!!!!!
It's funny when it's passengers doing it, funnier when they look all smart, wearing a tie and carring a laptop under their arm all the time!!!!!!!
- could I have another pizza?
(greedy little bugger!)
- "Sir, could I check your boarding card please?" "err...I put it in my bag....it's seat 17D..." "Sir I need it to check the flight number and the date for this flight to Rome" "But I am going to Venice!!!" "There you go...that's why....don't worry I was kidding, weather in Venice is great Sir! Welcome on board!"
- every Traveller pax who sneaks through the curtains and accomodates his big bottom in one of the club seats just before the meal service......Hey Mister! I am not blind yet!!!!!!!
- every "fake" wheelchair passenger
- every infant seated in the wrong row despite full briefing to the parents / every kid that "doesn't want to sit in his seat"!
- every time I leave London and it's raining and it's still raining when I land back!!!!!!
- and so on....
Gosh we could all be so rich!!!!!!!!
FBW
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This thread is HILARIOUS!
Some of these are making me cry I was laughing to so hard... particularly the
That is so true! Also the same when we do the orange juice and water rounds...
If I had a dollar for every time I have nearly vomited when someone walks barefoot into the toilets
"Hey pal heres a newsflash - that isn't water!"
Some of these are making me cry I was laughing to so hard... particularly the
FA: Could I offer you some tea or coffee sir?
PAX: Yes please
FA: Tea or coffee?
PAX: Yes please
FA: (For crying out loud!!!) Would you like tea, or would you like coffee sir?
PAX: Oh, coffee please!
PAX: Yes please
FA: Tea or coffee?
PAX: Yes please
FA: (For crying out loud!!!) Would you like tea, or would you like coffee sir?
PAX: Oh, coffee please!
If I had a dollar for every time I have nearly vomited when someone walks barefoot into the toilets
"Hey pal heres a newsflash - that isn't water!"
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.....or the american pax who said "how can i join the EU?"
.....or the american pax who after a detailed p.a about immigration cards into london not for transit pax...."i am travelling to new york/ washington/ miami today from london, do i need to fill in a landing card?....answer...."yes, sir and you will need to pick up your bags again and re-check them!" ....DOLT!
.....or the american pax who after a detailed p.a about immigration cards into london not for transit pax...."i am travelling to new york/ washington/ miami today from london, do i need to fill in a landing card?....answer...."yes, sir and you will need to pick up your bags again and re-check them!" ....DOLT!
to sail beyond the sunset
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For every one of the barely dressed "bucket and spaders" that get off the a/c on a return journey from Ibiza/Palma/Benidorm etc... at 3 in the morning and are absolutely FREEZING!
In Dublin Airport I believe they are known as "JIFs" from their first words on getting off the plane,
"Jaysus, I'm Freezing."
Did it meself more than once.
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- Someone is in the toilet, the sign on the door says "OCCUPIED" Another passenger comes along and pulls and tugs at the "OCCUPIED " toilet door handle.
PAX: Is this toilet free?
ME: Thinks: No dumbo, the sign says OCCUPIED! Says: (trying to look interested like it's a difficult question) No I don't think it's free........Duh!
-When I\'m in the galley cooking crew meals.
PAX: Ooh that\'s smells delicious!
Me: Trust me Sir, it isn\'t!
-Sitting there eatting my crew meal.
PAX: How come you get meals and we don\'t?
ME: You paid £30 for your ticket!
-PA: Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you WHO DO NOT HAVE a British or European Union passport, YOU WILL be required to fill in a landing card before entering the United Kingdom............
Two seconds later...
PAX: I have an American passport, do I need to fill in a landing card?
ME:
-PA: Please now ensure that your traytables are stowed e.t.c.... and SEATBELTS ARE FASTENED.
I then go through the cabin doing cabin secure.
ME: Excuse me sir could you fasten your seatbelt please
PAX: Oh yes sorry!
ME: (Thinks) (Says)
- Passenger gets up too quickly in his seat and bangs his head on the overhead locker/panel.
ME: Oops (Trying to look concerned) Don\'t bang your head............
PAX: Is this toilet free?
ME: Thinks: No dumbo, the sign says OCCUPIED! Says: (trying to look interested like it's a difficult question) No I don't think it's free........Duh!
-When I\'m in the galley cooking crew meals.
PAX: Ooh that\'s smells delicious!
Me: Trust me Sir, it isn\'t!
-Sitting there eatting my crew meal.
PAX: How come you get meals and we don\'t?
ME: You paid £30 for your ticket!
-PA: Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you WHO DO NOT HAVE a British or European Union passport, YOU WILL be required to fill in a landing card before entering the United Kingdom............
Two seconds later...
PAX: I have an American passport, do I need to fill in a landing card?
ME:
-PA: Please now ensure that your traytables are stowed e.t.c.... and SEATBELTS ARE FASTENED.
I then go through the cabin doing cabin secure.
ME: Excuse me sir could you fasten your seatbelt please
PAX: Oh yes sorry!
ME: (Thinks)
(Says) - Passenger gets up too quickly in his seat and bangs his head on the overhead locker/panel.
ME: Oops (Trying to look concerned) Don\'t bang your head............
Last edited by veryEZYboy; 22nd Sep 2005 at 17:31.