Heard in the Brussels sectors in Maastricht.

Pilot: Good afternoon Maastricht, this is Air India (AIC) XXX FL330 routing to KOK

Controller: AIC XXX, Hello, you are identified. Confirm your routing later is via BOMBI?

Pilot: No, it's not bumpy, it's smooth.

Spotted in the "Readback" column of Nats News.

Oh controller, who sits in the tower
Hallowed be thy sector
Thy traffic come, Thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors
And forgive those who cut us off
And deliver us not into adverse weather
But deliver us our clearances.

I would love to know who to credit that to, but no mention was made in the column.

Cheers!

Foxy

ATC Humour
 

On LGW Ground a few years ago just after BAW transferred a number of long haul routes from LHR, most flight crews seemingly of the 'Captain Speaking' plummy accent ilk:

"BAW XXX Ground, hold short of Taxiway 4, traffic on your stand has a thirty minute slot delay"

"Ground, BAW XX, thirty minutes? Where does that leave us then?"

Anonymous voice believed to be a Monarch 757:

"In the !!!!....":

D

Dude there is like a whole thread for this.

Dear Topzalp

Forgive him, he's probably just a Eurocontroller....

But how well trained then :E

Apologies if this has been on before.

Several years ago, Speedbird 747 approaching Bankok after a relatively long overnight sector.

Speedbird:Bangbird radio, Bangbird radio, this is Speedkok123
Bangkok radio:Errr, say again?
Speedbird:Bangbird Radio, good evening, this is Speedkok123

Unaware, or prehaps unwilling, to correct obvious mistake, r/t conversation got back to business and slightly more mundane!

Ground - "Ryanair 123, are you ops normal?"

Ryanair 123 - "[pause] .....Affirm"

Ground - "Just wondered. I've never seen you taxi so slowly!"

:)

Witty Retorts
 

Not quite along the same lines as the ATC Humour thread! It's just I'm one of those people who can think of something great as a reply to a balls up by a pilot, but unfortunately it only comes in to my head 5-10mins after the moment has passed! Any hints or 'off-pat' replies from some more experienced members of our brethren? :ok:

Any witty retort that doesn't fall into "standard phraseology" would be seen as highly unprofessional and should be frowned upon. :E

Jerricho,wonders will never cease.You mean to say the Canadians have actually managed to teach you how to use standard phraseology!What are they doing that we weren't,or is it the lovely warm summer you've had thats helped you to see the light?

Blimey, Jerrico... you haven't donned a suit and clipboard by any chance have you?

And here I find replies from 2 of the worst offenders for non-standard, non-MATS phraseology ever. It's a disgrace.

And if my memory serves me correctly, you BOTH worked on the same Watch.......hmmmmmm

:p

High level inbounds EHAM have a requirement to be FL260 22 nm N of EEL, tacking about 200; in practice FL 260 at EEL is OK although some pilots push this to the limits with R.O.D. of =/- 4000fpm, to considerable annoyamce when we were busy.

This lead to the instruction, "The number is 260; either descend to it, or turn to it." i.e., expect radar vectoring to the back of the queue. It worked for a whle.

Lon More, here before Pontius was a Pilot or Mortus a Rigger

forgive him...
 

He workED in the DECO sectors...

This happened at an airport located at the south western part of norway a few years back.
A little background info first, this airport is located near a beach which is used for kites of all sorts and shapes. Drage is the norwegian word for kite, however drage can also be translated into dragon if your vocabulary is a bit off the mark:

TWR: "KLMxxx, cleared to land, caution DRAGONS on short final"
KLM: "Cleared to land, say again last part?"

Still makes me laugh :)

This was heard at Farris APP a few months back.
At ENSN a DHC2 is lobbing out skydivers, a WIF is inbound ENTO to land. I couldn't resist the temptation, this was heard on the radio:
Farris: "WIFxxx, tfc is a beaver"
WIFxxx: "Farris, we got the beaver in sight, biggest one i've ever seen" :D

Last night, working London Mil.

'London - Kestrel XXX I would like to go down please.'

'Kestrel XXX - I wish my wife would say that a bit more - cleared FL 110'

There were some gems coming from one of the ORD local controllers last night. He was busy and seemingly pissed off at the same time. I see where those lists of top 10 txmissions come from annually.

Vampy

the "Grasscuttings" page in the GATCO mag aways offers up so real gems.

The grasscuttings in GATCO mag are the ones that are printable....:uhoh:

lighting vehicles
 

last night at EG-- about 1:30am. nothing on frequency, one inbound, otherwise radio silence.


atc : lighting 2 vacate at XX

no reply

atc : lighting 2 ground

no reply

atc : lighting 2 vacate at XX

no reply

atc : lighting 3 can you see lighting 2, he has gone deaf.

short delay....................

lighting 2 : go ahead ground

atc : GET OFF MY RUNWAY

lighting 2 : sorry, vacated at XX

atc : if you are going to be deaf im not gonna let u back on.

lighting 2 : erm.........roger......sorry....can hear u now

aircraft departs -

Light 2 : permission to enter runway

long pause.............."only if you promise not to go deaf again"

light 2 : i wont

(possibly had to be there)

Nice one Javelin

MH

Heard a few days ago at LHR

BA 747 taxying out for 09R

"We have an problem with our No4 engine. Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut it down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?"

Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!:

GATWICK

YS

again perhaps you had to be there, also was tempted to post in the witty retorts thread due to the speed of the pilots reply! heard on quite busy international airport ground frequency..

baw*** : 'baw*** request taxi'

ground (curtly) : 'baw***, straighten up, hold before taxiway **'

baw*** : 'you sound like my parents, hold before **, baw***'

Found a few more, as I know it's a sticky thread at this stage. Sorry if these are repeats! - Wayne

LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."



Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."



Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."



A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."


And a little off thread, but I loved this pic!

http://www.chris.brady.ukgateway.net/nicolasdrawing.jpg

Wayne

Amendments to CAP 413 in Scottish FIR
 

Subject : Amendments to CAP 413 in Scottish FIR

Due to the recent inclement weather, there have been some instances of diversion to airports within the Scottish FIR. Needless to say passengers and aircrew alike have had extra difficulties on these occasions The following phraseology is applicable to aircrew having to visit Glasgow: (Translation: Rapast crappiwerra huzcozzed affue probs, wi’ra kites ‘n punters gawnaff taera rangtoons. Djutae ra probswi ralingo witcha forrintipes huv, heerza guidetae folla furra flyboys :-)

Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
Affirmative - Aye atsrite
Break - Hodoan
Correction - Aw!!!!
How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
I say again - Wanmertime pal
Negative - Noway pal
Over - Overinnat
Out - Ahmoaf
Pass your message - Geezrapatter
Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
Roger - Okay pal
Say again - Geezrapatter again
Speak slower - Geezitininglish
Stand by - Hodoanahmbizzy
That is correct - Spotoan / Atsragemme
Verify - Yerjokin
Wilco - Naeborra
Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
Cleared to land - Getoan ragrunn
Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
Cleared take off - Oanyer bike / Oanyer wyepal

I trust the above will be of some assistance.

Aw Come on now, NO-ONE diverts into Scotland!!! The only airfield in the Scottish FIR to get diversions is Newcastle!!

What short memories.

Did not nearly the whole of the Icelandic Airlines div into Glasgow a year or so ago when Iceland "went out" ?

Next day mass launch for home - 10 minutes apart at 61N.

Sick people come here.
Prestwick seems to be a favourite for medical diversions.

Oh thank you for that !

I'm a lone scottish pilot here in canada and great to hear some languge from home !! Laughed out loud ! Anyone up for doing an irish one ?

divorcingjack

divorcingjack......this is the best i could find......

Irish Pilots

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night,with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de' shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

How about the old chestnut that works on every trainee:

-Can you tell me what airline that LDA stands for?

-Lauda

-CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT AIRLINE THAT LDA STANDS FOR?

Mentor of mine many years agao at LATCC came out with a gem.

To an american pilot

"Descend 6000ft QNH 1011"

To which he replied

"Say maam could I have that in inches"

Without even thinking she replied

"Descend 72 thousand inches QNH 1011"

One I have to own up to

Outbound Monarch pilot called approaching FL190 I looked at the radar he was passing FL153, admittedly going up well, with out even thinking I turned to my co-ordinator and said "Lying B******" , to which he said I think you just transmitted that. I laughed usual windup, only to hear

"Oh yes sorry my mistake passing FL170"

OOPS


(Edited as I can't multiply 12 by 6000)

<"We have an problem with our No4 engine. Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut it down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?"

Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!:

GATWICK>

AAhh.. Nice to know the spirit of comradeship still exists between Heathrow and Gatwick! Tee Hee!! (Old hands might understand - Sorry Tom and the boys!)

Witty retorts
 

Geez Jericho..... ".... highly unprofessional.."? Pull that broomstick out of your fundamental orifice, lighten up and enjoy yourself at work. We all need a laugh now and then, and there's nothing wrong with a witty retort now and then. It doesn't make you any less professional, just a bit more human. You ARE human, aren't you?

Lestump

>>
Jerricho
POD
posted 18th September 2004 11:25
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Any witty retort that doesn't fall into "standard phraseology" would be seen as highly unprofessional and should be frowned upon.


:p

Oops...... having read a bit further into the forum, maybe I should have been open to the possibility that Jericho was being a little facetious or sarcastic... ? If so, I apologise! If not...............
:mad:

One of my colleagues made a comment about my vectoring today, when everyone stopped laughing, I told him to f**k off.

I thought it was witty. (got a few laughs too)

I hope she didnt say 36 thousand inches for 6000'!! Might lead to an embarrasing situation.

MACC.... :ooh: :uhoh:
Are the USA inches different from the UK ones then? Over here one foot = 12" so 6,000' should = 72,000" :ok: And just in case somebody thinks I'm nit-picking, I'm enjoying this thread nearly as much as the ATC Humour one :ok:

Those are cold water inches <G>... (shrinkage)

Scott

Years ago, Cessne 150 landed for a full stop.

At touch down (and during the first of many a bounce) the controller cleared the A/C via the high speed to some place on the airport. As quick as a flash the pilot replied "haven't finished yet"