from the gutersloh line book. tower to visiting bea viscount(this was in 73) are you familiar with gutersloh? the reply was "i was hrer in 43 but i didnt stop"
also from frankfurt, usaf c130"can you ask the lufthansa 747 in front of us to come up on 130.9" lufthansa 747"we dont use unauthorised frequencies" usaf c130"tower in that case can you inform him hes still got all his undercarraige locks in!"

Canberra

Any idea if the GUT linebook survived the pongo's takeover. Should be placed in a museum that book. :D

On Sydney Gound not too long ago (most QANTAS aircraft are named after OZ ctiies or towns):

Ground: EAL give way to 767 city of Bundaberg outbound.
EAL: Roger
Ground: OGM your number one to the city of Geelong, taxy to holding point...
OGM: Roger, you've got good eyes!
Ground: Yeah, and I can see the gestures you're making at the tower.
OGM: It's not me, it's the bloke sitting next to me!
Ground: The one with the bad haircut?
OGM: Yeah.

Heard today on the RT:
Frenchperson - '....leaving your fragrancy...'

:rolleyes: ;) :rolleyes:

Today at Dubai Arrivals:

ARR. A/C XXX, slow down 250
A/C Slow down 250 XXX and ,eh, what made you slow us down?
ARR. You did.


A.V.

gut logbook
 

i left gut in 85! but dont forget that theres still an raf atc presence. the army wanted to keep the airfield open for the timmys but they forgot to tell the raf untill it was too late!

Before my time but part of LGW legend:

Posh Pilot - "CFE8086 approaching taxiway 2" (but with at least 200m to run)

Northern ATCO - "Well keep on bloody approaching then!"

And the same guy having slighlty miscalculated a deprture gap...

"Take off quickly. Fly slowly!"

:p

GMC: Taxi stand xy

Pilot: Taxi stand xy. Any route?

GMC: Just stay off the grass...

:rolleyes:

One of the controllers here occasionally says (off the frequency) when there is a whining pilot on the frequency :

"Would you like some cheese to go with that w(h)ine sir?"

AND

How about the slip of the tounge on Arrivals (me).

"XYZ123, Cleared ILS APP RWY 30L report likeloser established"

the next 6 or 7 aircraft all readback "LIKELOSER established"

Seemed funny at the time though !!

Loaded Magazine
 

Hello All

Look in the back pages of loaded in amongst the porn numbers and the cannabis growing kit is an advert for NATS
And in my inbox the afternoon an offical appology
now that's ATC Humour

MM

slip of the tongue...
 

the ones which still happen to me are:

hotel rolf gomeo (golf romeo...) and the classical "slide glope". but only when i'm really overstressed.

and last week heard twice a heading 365 in atc-sim . and in one, a fellow blipdriver read it back :D

cheers

Heard at Eastleigh:

"Navy Swordfish solent - report your a/c type"

After being told the local standby is for an RT fail a/c - "Tower fire 1 - once landed can you ask the a/c to contact us on 121.6"

Just recalled this gem from the aforementioned cockney wide boy whilst serving at the Gut.

Two French mirages in the circuit, first lands and the second is too tight behind, told to go round. Next approach, told to go round again to which he replies "Ev I 'ave to go 'round again I 'ave to jump out!" Quick as a flash our hero replies "Roger, understand you're fuel priority......."

and of course ....

Virgin with a tight slot .......

quite a while ago in Perth West OZ.....

ATC...long and complete bollocking a pilot for unauthorized level change...

unknown pilot...Perth, do you have another frequency for us that we can use?

ATC...why?

Unknown...theres a p1ssed off tone on this one!

A somewhat overloaded controller famous for going into " Standby " mode at peak times

A/C Twr G-xxxx

ATC Standby shutdown will call you back in five mins

A/C But im over the marina..................:eek:

Im not sure how it got there but the Gutersloh Line Book resides in the ATCEB HQ - welcome any time.

Apparently Scottish worked a plane last tuesday

Tower controller (procedural station, running out of answers) to lightie approaching overhead the VOR on aid work:

"Juliet Echo Mike, maintain five thousand, track visually north of the 360 radial!"


LLZe

Overheard on FAJS GMC,

ATC - ABC232 Fl350 is not available, what is you alternate.

ABC232 - Bloemfontein (Without hesitation):confused:

Two radar controllers side by side, one male, one female, working the sequence.

M: (Wanting an early turn for his traffic) "Can I turn hard right inside your Shorts?"

F: "You'll have to buy me dinner first!"



In a similar vein...

Very attractive new controller wearing sprayed on stretch jeans signs on and plugs in.

Rather paternal Centre Supervisor wanders over to say hello to the new girl, observes skin tight pants and says "Goodness, how do you get into those?"

She says "Dinner and a drink usually works!"


:D

AA

B727 skipper (peeved) to Approach:

"Confirm you want us to follow a Twin otter?"

Approach in warm comforting tones:

"Oh, no, you're following a Shorts 360, he's following the Twin Otter!"

LLZe:D

apocryphal story from the 60's

Aeroflot routeing to EINN and then to Cuba at time of tension...

"Aeroflot 123 do you carry transponder?"

"Negative sir, ve only carry agricultural equipment"

and

on Red 3 EGAA to EGGP!!

"Preston this is Cambrian 123 is FL80 available?"
"Cambrian 123, Preston, Affirmative climb to FL80"
"Negative Preston, we don't want FL80, just wanted to know if it was available!"

;)

Just the other day.

LGW Twr: "Jetset ***, Tower"
Jetset FO: "Go ahead"
LGW: "What's the wind like up there?"
Jetset FO: "Just fine thanks"

FK27 outbound from EGBB has an unusually good rate of climb, sufficiently good in fact that the following conversation took place.

Me: "xxx123 check your aircraft type is a Fokker Friendship?"
A/c; " Affirm London... (pause)... GTI."

Made me chuckle :-)

Also; In the days that the Red Devils used to parachute over Queens Parade and work TMA south for entry into controlled airspace, a Quantas jumbo on a SAM departure on a sunny day reported "Hey, London, there's an aircraft on our left hand side and there's people falling out of it."

Aware of the presence of the BN2 used by the team (GORED), the controller replied "is it a red islander?" The Quantas then replied "Blimey, that's a good radar!"

The best for me was an ATCer:

"XXX123 standby for an immediate descent!"

:eek:

R/T Gaffes
 

Once had this one :

Me : "G-AA what is your present position"

Pilot "2 miles north of Swinton INTERCOURSE"

(Swinton Interchange is a VRP in our local area)

Left me wondering was on the pilots mind !!

:rolleyes:

'Rescue ***, you're identified, the Yarmoth regional is...immaterial, however the Humber regional is 1003'

It took a while for them to do the readback, can't imagine why.

A/C reports on frquency climbing to FL 200

ATCO "XYZ123 cleared FL300 and report to London on 123.34"
A/C "Climb FL300 and call 123.34, that was quick"
ATCO "always is..."
A/C "oh, poor girl, give her my number"


:D

Or the new Eurocontrol ACAS II bulletin which talks about a conflict induced by a BAe 146 having good climb performance!!!

ATC Humour
 

Two from the 60's

Lady Pilot in the FIR: London, whats the regional QNH?

FIR Controller: XXX Mb.

LPIFIR: What's that in inches? I've got an
amercan altimeter!

FIR: 29.23 inches.

Voice from the Blue: Gosh! You'd better give her that
SLOWLY London!

From the days when visual climbs were legal!

Radar: AirFrance XXX, what are your flight conditions?

AF: In and out of ze bottoms.

Voice from the Blue: Vive Le Sport!

Both quoted from IPCS Magazine "On Watch" so they must be true!

not that funny
 

its not that funny but i remember this one from a bbc series a long time ago called diamonds in the sky, this was at ohare

tower"united 123 whats your position"
united 123"im taking off" well it made me laugh! and you probably had to watch the programme to find it funny.

An Editor from Private Pilot Mag. has written an article about the Shorts 360 - i'm gonna paraphrase the funny stuff :)

"We were flying island-hopper service in a shorts 360 .... Number two holding short, behind us, was a Continential 737-800 .... one of the pilots keyed the mic and said to me and Joey, 'Hey, you guys build that thing yourselves?' .... joey and i exchanged the look that flight crews have probably exchanged since the first Shorts hit the line. As in ... you wanna respond to this morning's put-down, or shall I? ..... We could have said, 'Dont laugh; its paid for.' .... or 'Opps, they forgot to take our airplane out of the box.' .... or 'I may be slow, but i'm ahead of you.' .... or 'We've had five beauty queens from Osaka in our shorts this week, over' "


:D

Me, doing circuits with instructor in very hazy conditions...
 

Tower: "Nxxx, cleared touch and go, two five right."

Me (prim and proper voice): "Cleared touch and go, two five right, Nxxx (undetected stuck-mic, me with growling tone to my instructor...) YEAH! If I can see the DAMN RUNWAY!!!!"

Instructor instantly pounces on switch on yoke infront of a startled me, whilst guffawing with laughter!

:o :o :o


(Well, my instructor was pissing himself! :rolleyes: )

An RAF fighter-controller conducting practice intercepts in the Nicosia FIR tx'ing to the lead of a pair of F3s :

"... Eagle 01, your target 350/10 heading south. Mission : intercept, identify and report, acknowledge."

"...Eagle 01 roger, fox 1 !" :eek:

Doh !

Happy waypoints
 

Years ago flying around the Indian Ocean I was amazed to find the 3 waypoints 200nm northwest, north and northeast of Gan where respectively WHATA BUMMR and MOMMA. How did that one get past the waypoint name allocators in Montreal?

Great pages, thanks everyone who's contributed.

waypoints
 

sorry to sound serious but since when did icao have any say over what reporting points are called? as far as im aware the only rule there is about naming them is that they must have 5 letters and at least one vowel. but has anyone noticed dandi and beeno in the north sea?

I also think (although I may be wrong) that a/c routeing via BEENO and DANDI also encounter KOMIK.

The waypoint thing goes on and on. There are two approaches into airfields near Boston - here are the waypoints

ITAWT
ITAWA
PUDYE
TTATT
IDEED

and

HHAMM
BURGR
FRYYS

Yep, someone has a sense of humo(u)r depending on which side of 30W you inhabit.

You'll actually find one called "SATAN" here in the US. dont know exactly where though.

Imagine hearing this, "Proceed direct to SATAN". Thats one clearence i'd refuse :p

Funny story from a lad I did CPL/IR training with, who once asked a female RAF controller for MAX PENETRATION. Cue fit of giggles from her.
It was a good while later til he realised he should have said MATZ!

Still like the Heathrow depature " Virgin with the tight slot!"

Not so funny......Me trying to be accommodating to Air Traffic after being cleared number 1 to final;
"Want me to do an orbit so you can get the Speedbird away?"
"Roger, thanks G-**** you are number 7!"
"Hope I didn't key the mic for my response!!"

LJ