Posted this elsewhere but what the heck

Was a pax in a UAL boeing 777 a while back taking off from LHR if I remember correctly. I had the privilege of listening in on all the radio transmissions in the pointy end. We were only a short time into our taxi run when a female ATC's voice came over the radio

"Flight xxxx. Are you ready for takeoff."

I was feeling eh slightly alarmed in the back of the aircraft upon hearing this. :ugh:

Captain who couldn't resist a sarcastic reply retorts:

"We will be when we get there" :D

Well mine isnt that exciting, but the happy Bristol ATCO, Wont mention no names, once asked a pilot on freq "We're all going down the pub tonight, would you like to join us?" Then a BRT pilot butted in "You didnt invite us to the pub!" ATCO: "Well, you're perfectly welcome to come!"
Hes a funny guy this one :ok: .

Dan.

Oops at Luton!
 

This happened tonight 10th December 2003 Around 17:00
Picture the scene.

Fog is causing chaos across most of South East England with Stansted and Heathrow operating at vastly reduced capacities. There is one small island of clear in all this. Miraculously Luton (normally a fog magnet) is clear. So diverts are coming in from all directions. At one point I counted 7 planes inbound or vectoring either side of the Runway 26 approach. The aprons are crammed with biz jets and airliners that have set down earlier in the afternoon. Tower and Ground are working flat out with inbounds spaced at 7 miles and Ground desperately trying to clear the backlog of planes holding by the fire station. Thus keepng the runway clear.

Plane just been instructed to vacate right and join the queue when this cuts across ground...

Unidentified Pilot:
"Welcome to this ........ flight to Madrid. This is Capt........ and I'll be flying you to Madrid this evening. I apologise for the long delay to this flight. This was caused by a first officer becoming un available and the person you have just seen walking up the steps is the stand in who has just made his way from Gatwick. You can imagine the delay caused by driving around the M25 on a night like this. We are just going to spend the next five minutes catching up on paper work..............continues for next 3 minutes."

Unidentified voice when finally the pilot releases his finger from the transmit button:
"Now try that talking to the passengers"

Unidentified Pilot:
muffled voice "sorry ....)

Unidentified voice:
"gee, that was the longest one I've heard!"

The guilty party then waited a good 15 minutes (until a lot of the planes that had heard him had dissapeared off frequency) before apologising to ground. Who was very pragmatic about it and offered sympathy to the pilot concerned.

So own up. Was it a PPRuNer?

DeepC
(In my car waiting for my wife to arrive from Holland)

While doing circuits at a mil airfield in Norway:

Controller: Seascan 124, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! In that case you have traffic at 5 oclock!

/FS

Marginal wx...small light aircraft calls for start and taxi

"xxx TWR, G-ABCD request start and taxi for a local flight"
"G-ABCD start approved, are you going VFR?"
silence
"G-ABCD start approved, are you going VFR?"
silence
"GABCD START APPROVED, ARE YOU GOING VFR?"
pause
"xxxTWR, G-CD no sir, we are not going very far....."

About two years ago,flying back my metro to my home base,Wichita KS, on a Sat morning..
As always,it seemed that the weather always gets worse the last day of the week when one just wants to go home..
The landing on a iced up runway(freezing rain hit the airport all morning.)was uneventful eventhough i was glad to know how to snowboard..just felt like it.
Anyways I was slowly taxiing in(took me 15 minutes for a normal 2min one).
Me:" running out of salt this morning?"
ATC:" Kansas is a poor state Sir"
ATC"LearXXX,hows the taxiing?"
LearXX"bit slow but we manage..."
ATC"You may want to have a look at your nosewheel when you get to the Apron"
LearXX"Certainly ..why?"
ATC"its pointing 90 degrees from your heading SIr"
LearXX"Request clearance to taxi to XXXHangar for maintenance"

Safe Flying,

M.85

overheard in the high sector:

ATC - "Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"
1 minute passes
ATC - "Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"
another minute goes by
ATC "
"Delta 1234, Ft Worth Center"

Delta 1234 - "Delta 1234"

ATC _"sir we have been trying to call you for 3 minutes, contact Ft Worth on xxx.xx"

Delta - "Sorry we were on the land line"

Happened yesterday:

Pilot: "London, can you give us the Manston information?"

ATC: "OK, Do you require the weather or airfield data?"

Pilot: "Runway in use would be good"

ATC: "Well the wind is showing as 310 at 12 so it looks like 28"

Pilot:"Roger. . . . . . and are they doing visual approaches?"

ATC: "My information is showing CAVOK so I'm sure it's possible."

Pilot: "Thanks London"

ATC: "No problem, anything else I can get you?"

Pilot: "Chocks and stairs would be nice!"

I have not read all the posts in this thread, so I don’t know if it is appropriate to tell on one’s self or not. However I shall anyway.

Many years ago, when I was a Boeing 727 Captain for the United States Marshal Service, I had a little run in with a arrogant US Airways “BIG AIRPLANE” pilot flying a 737, yes a 737. At the time we were only using “N” and the aircraft number, we had been using Boeing XXX, but a new boss and new rules resulted in us using just the NXXX call sign. (Using the aircraft type in front of the number is standard in the US.)

Anyway, on with the story:

We were driving down some J-route on the East Coast at FL310 and the ATC conversation went like this.

ATC; “NXXX say mach.”

Little ole us; “Mach .81.”

ATC; “US Air XXX say mach.”

US Air XXX; “.74”

ATC; “US Air XXX can you increase to .80?”

US Air XXX; “Negative.”

ATC; “Can increase speed any?”

US Air XXX; “Negative.”

Having no luck with US Air ATC calls us and asked; “NXXX can you reduce to .74?”

Little ole us; “Well, yes we can if we have to.”

ATC; “Thanks, maintain .74.”

We agree to fly .74 and the 72 does not like to fly at .74, we are wallowing around and damn near using the same amount of at .74 as we were at .81. Anyway a few minutes pass and ATC calls us again.

ATC; “NXXX are you at .74?”

Little ole us; “Yup.”

ATC; “US Air XXX say mach.”

US Air; “.74”

ATC; “NXXX you are still catching the US Air, can you reduce any more?”

My buddy in the right seat allows that we really don’t want to slow down anymore and asks if we can be vectored around the US Air flight. The controller thinks about this for a minute or two and makes a great decision.

ATC; “NXXX you can wrong way 330 and normal speed for a while until you pass the 737.”

Little ole us; “Yes sir we can do that.”

ATC; “NXXX maintain current speed until reaching FL330 and then resume normal speed, cleared to FL330.”

My buddy in the right seat reads back the clearance and I wake up the FE and get max. continuous EPR and off we go. Never being one to let sleeping dogs lie my buddy in the right seat calls ATC when we level at 330 (about a minute after we read back the climb clearance) and lets everybody on frequency know that we are accelerating to normal cruise speed. And our friend in the 73 decides that he just has to say something. (He does not know that we are in a 72.)

US Air XXX; “Sorry to inconvenience the little guy there.” (Said with a very condescending attitude.)

At this time I decide to exert some of that command stuff and tell my buddy in the right seat that I will handle this call.

Little ole us: (me) “Oh that’s ok, you don’t have to apologize for flying a ‘Baby Boeing Speed Bump.”

Anyway we passed him doing about .87 mach (I was still at max. continuous) and a few minutes later ATC calls us.

ATC; “NXXX you are passed the flying speed bump and you can go back down to 310 now.”

Well, we had a good laugh over it. Don’t know about the ‘Big Airplane Pilot’.

Late August 2002, VFR nav flight in an Arrow from Lanseria to Gaborone. The (female) approach ATCO vectored us towards the VOR, which sent us over high ground to the South of the airport in rain. I'm not happy with ground clearance and my mate in the RH seat (handling R/T) asks to confirm altitude.

The ATCO comes back with the same clearance and adds "are you in contact with the ground?" Quick as a flash, my mate answers in his Scouse accent "negative, but at this altitude we will be soon!"

I was still laughing during taxy... :p

Similar to other, but I found it funny
 

Working GMC the other day, a delightful voice from one of out domestic carriers tried to establish contact.

Her : {click}"FACT ground, this is XXX-123".

20 seconds go by

Her : "FACT ground, this is XXX-123".

10 seconds go by

Her : "CAPE TOWN GROUND THIS IS XXX-123 CALLING, RADIO CHECK.'

5 seconds go by

Her : " CAPE TOWN GROUND, THIS IS XXX-123 ESTABLISHING COMS ON 121.9MHZ, ARE YOU THERE?????"

Her : "oh cummon what does this damn controller think he is doing? Why is he ignoring us? We are going to miss our slot and then be late. I wish he would just tell us to stand by or somethi......"{click}

Not very suprisingly I spoke to a different voice when they responded to my calls.

What I don't understand was I was transmitting over her during her pauses. Why wasn't it causaing feedback or at leas interferance in their cockpit? They were close enough to my transmitters :)

27F

PPL student completes first solo and arrives back on the runway in one piece :

Student - "this is XXXX - I've Landed!!!"
ATC - "Many Congtratulations"

One busy afternoon we were inbound to one of my favourite African destinations with a new controller asking for our position every minute or so. 'Three-zero-two radial at seven-seven DME, over. Three-zero-two radial at seven-one DME, etc, etc.'

This became a bit wearing so that I finally told him, after about the fifth request, 'I'm sitting up front, over.' We were able to motor most of the rest of the way in blissful silence!

In another, related, case, someone was approaching the same spot in an HS-125, really moving. Came the same request, with a position report given, followed by,'Say again?'

So the first answer given differed from the second, and so on, due to the speed of the HS-125. Finally the controller asked, 'Ah! Ogah! Why you no say de same numbah twice?'

Just a few days ago, I was flying in a local practice area while in contact with Tulsa Tracon. It was kinda bumpy in our cessna 152. Mid-way into the flight, i hear a old guy saying something like: "This is XXX, its as 'rough as a cop' up here, could we go lower?"

The ATCO had a good laugh and so did we :D

somewhere on s-e europe TMA:

123... ,..radar, make a 360 to the right.
..radar,123 ,which right ,mine or yours?
123 .. WAIT. make it mine now,I've just stopped turning the chair

Here's a couple more from the South West!

"London VPCTJ request descent please, I'm handflying the aircraft as the autopilot's not working properly"
"TJ roger, descend FL250 initially"
"Roger FL250, TJ"
"London good evening BAW8086 FL360 - on Autopilot as the crew aren't working properly!":)

and;

(for us Brits this one! Got his number I think;) )

"RYR118 continue on your present heading and report it"
"118,118" :cool:

Last bit of last post reminds me of a time many years ago flying Chipmunks from (I think?) Rufforth in Yorkshire. QFE and runway change relayed to self, callsign C56.

Was able to acknowledge thus: "1012, 34, 56!"

Well .... it amused me at the time :O

Heard today at Biggin Hill, with the circuit packed, streams of aircraft getting back just before dark, two rotaries hovering between the runways, people stepping on each other's transmissions and the ATCO pretty much at the peak of capacity...fairly typical nice weekend day at a busy GA airfield.

TWR: G-AX Contact Approach 129.4
.
.
.
TWR: G-AX Contact Approach 129.4
.
.
.
TWR: G-**AX Biggin Tower are you receiving my transmissions?

G-AX: Sorry 'bout that, Tower, we were talking to each other.

TWR: Well, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but would you mind changing to Approach on 129.4?

Danish lady controller on GMC instructing a/c just vacated to give way to a/c taxying:

"c/s that Gulfstream is coming over your nose, after him taxy on ..."

Nearly fell out of my seat.

Climbing out of BHX on the easy SID.

at 2000ft flipped to approach.

PNF "Manchester .... and all the usual stuff"

BHX approach "don't call me Manchester!!"

Made me laugh and turn 1D late for TNT

During IR training in N.Norway

Had performed a missed app and was climbing in a strong headwind, increasing with altitude. Had to get to FL80 because of terrain and mountain waves, so it was a long climb in a PA28.
Reduced to Vx as we was overhead a VOR/DME, just for fun to see how low our groundspeed could get. For about five minutes, the DME groundspeed read 0 to 0.5, every now and then the distance to DME station decreased due to the mountain waves.

ATC: "Spirit xxx, do you have fuel enough to reach your dest with your present speed?"

made me laugh

/FS

On approach:

TWR: join circuit on left downwind runway 17

XXX: Runway 17, wilco, XXX

TWR: XXX caution, men working with hand tools in undershoot area 50m from threshold rwy 17

XXX: copy the men with their tools in their hands, XXX

Atlas

Centre: XXX, nil transponder traffic observed in your 12 o'clock, 5 miles, tracking right to left

XXX: Roger, nothing seen on TCAS ...

:rolleyes:

Pre-Mission Telephone Brief:

GCI: What u guys doing?

Hawk Pilot: The Lead wants us to act like F3s.

GCI: How exactly?

Hawk Pilot: we're going to delay, delay and then cancel.

:ok:

Flap Sup: Have actually observed a PA28 from same company with GS of less then 25kts on radar when climbing inbound KRA last winter. Said Pa28 elected to RTB...... :cool:

A certain "Spirit/TFN" callsign (specific to a FI) allso triggered a lot of "comfirm gear down and locked", "your gear is actually down this time", "check landing gear" etc from ATC at home base even when flying in a fixed gear Archer or Grob 115.
Maybe because ATC got wind of a weels-up landing with warning horns blareing in a BE20 sim by that FI earlier that week........
:E

Crikey! This thread has grown hasn't it?

I'm looking for a joke/funny story with an Air Traffic theme suitable for telling at an ATC dinner. It mustn't be too technical or else the wives might not understand it - come to think of it the pilots might struggle too! To save me wading through every page on this thread could someone give me a hand and point me in the right direction - or even offer up their own rib-tickler - please?

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers!

Distinctly

Distinctly, some gleanings from the thread for the non-flying community

Turboprop: "Is that Airbus a heavy?"
ATC: "He's a medium."
Airbus: "I knew you were going to say that."

-------------------------------------------

Been to Frankfurt Before?

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

----------------------------------------

Typical winter's night many moons ago, westerly gale. DC3 comes on frequency flying fresh fruit & veggies across the Irish Sea, groundspeed about 40kts:
Very bored pilot: "Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent"
ATCO: "Atlantique 353 descend to FL60"
Very bored pilot: "Roger descending to FL60 (leaving finger on transmit button), Okay tomatoes we're going down".

-----------------------------------------

Tower: "Report passing 2000"
A/C "Passed 2000 some time ago"
Tower "We have had our weetabix today haven't we"

Well, it lightened the day for a while...

-----------------------------------------

A few years ago a BA 757 is taxying out at ABZ to head off to LHR. Male Capt and a Female F/O who was doing the R/T.

ATC: Speedbird XXX, your clearance?

BA 757: Standby (The transmission was rather garbled, since the F/O was eating some peanuts!)

Then after a short pause the F/O asks for the clearance.

BA 757: Speedbird XXX, go ahead with the clearance.... Sorry about that I had the Captain's Nuts in my mouth!

---------------------------------------------


O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

--------------------------------------------

ATC: 'Callsign XXX, for noise abatement turn left 45 degrees'
A/C 'Confirm turn for noise abatement, we are over the sea at FL60?'
ATC: Affirm, have you heard the noise a DHC6 makes when it hits a Nimrod?'


------------------------------------------

Washington Ground control to united 727 having just taken the second wrong turn:

"United XXX, you just took a wrong turn AGAIN!!! You are now out of sequence and messing up my priority pattern!! Turn LEFT, i say again LEFT at next holding bay and HOLD POSITION, i repeat DO NOT MOVE until i tell you!!!"
(This in a very aggressive tone from a audibly emotional female controller)

United XXX: "Uuhh Roger." (embarassed and cowed)

...
(30 seconds of embarassed silence on ground frequ...)



(male voice from other airplane in the sequence):
"Wasn't I married to you once, Ma'am?"

----------------------------------------

Tower: "Air Force 123, your engine appears to have....ahh disregard, I see you've already ejected".

------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" The attendant explained, "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

-------------------------------------------

Apparently, this was heard ooverhear LAX:
Bored pilot in the hold says:
"jesus, i'm f***ing bored"
ATC:"Last transmission, state your full callsign"
Pilot "I said i'm f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid"

--------------------------------------------

Distinctly

MY favourite from the thread only works if Wootton Bassett is in the UK (I think I remember it's near Swindon?).

I won't go hunting for the original but essentially one aircraft is in potential conflict with another and then tells ATC that he has lost sight of it.

ATC: It's behind you
Unidentified a/c on freq: Oh, no it isn't!
2nd Unidentified voice: Oh, yes it is!

Timothy

First off all...Thanks to you all for the postings.. You made my day many times with the stories posted :D

So about time to post some stories myself...

This one I experienced myself... A "famous" older pilot here in Norway called me on departure. I have him his clearance...but his readback was completely messed up.
After correcting it...2 times...he got it finally correct... and then he said :

"uffffff....when your age passes your shoe size...(european sizes;) ) you will get like this too!! " :)

Gave me a great laugh :D

-----------

Next is a "old" one..from a legendary controller here in Norway. This happened at the time when the old airport for Oslo ENFB( Fornebu ) was still in operation.

One of the first airlines to fly 757 to Norway, was BA...I guess the pilot was very proud of his new aircraft...and wanted to "test" out the knowledge of the controller....so this took place on approach to ENFB :

ATC : "Speedbird xxx, reduce to Cleanspeed"
Pilot : (With a very posh, "nose up" english voice)
"Excuse me, but do you know my cleanspeed?"

ATC : (Answered very quickly)
"Negative sir, but you can ask your co-pilot!!"

I can really imagine the long face of the pilot :O

The search function is disabled, so this may have already been posted.

FIS

On JNB GMC on Saturday

acft: Request Taxi
ATC: Taxi B cat 2 holding point RWY 03L
acft: does that mean that Intersection L not available for departure (and having not requested an intersection departure at any time prior)
ATC: Sorry I loaned my telepathic powers to Superman for the morning and couldn't read your mind. Taxi L holding point RWY 03L;)

Overheard at LBA a few years ago (aircraft was, from memory, a British Midland Fokker)
ATC - XXXX Stand 5 facing West please. Pilot duly repeats instruction and heads for the stand.
Two minutes later:
ATC - XXXX, Alright then, stand 5 facing EAST!
Reply from pilot, sounding somewhat embarrassed, "Oh,... er, ... well you see we are used to facing east and anyway, we like to watch the sun come up!

2 red arrows
 

2 Red Arrows flying up the East Coast of Scotland.

Red1: "Red2, am I contrailing ? "
Red2: "Negative"
Red1: "Uh, OK - then you're on fire :uhoh: "



--------------------------------------
Harrier in the circuit at Waddington in marginal weather.

TWR: "X27 are you VMC?"
X27: "Negative, RTB"

--------------------------------------
Possibly same Harrier, a week later ... in similar marginal weather

TWR: "What's your impression of the circuit?"
Harrier: "Sorry, don't do impressions"

----------------------------------------------
And a very tired Scot Mil Controller to a US F111....

ATC: "Jazz54 confirm you're not on this frequency ?"
Jazz54: "errrr ...... that's a 'negative' Sir"

-----------------------------------------------
And another Scot Mil US F111 exchange

ScMil: "Raven02, what's your next reporting point ?"
Raven02: "We're routing to STABBS"
ScMil: "Actually, it's pronounced 'Saint Abbs' , what's your next reporting point?"
Raven02 : "Ahh, we're routing to Saint Ornoway"

<STN - Stornoway VOR>

-------------------------------
And lastly, large mil exercise off NW Coast of Scotland, involving carrier groups etc...... F14 Tomcat climbs out of low level seeking radar pickup from Scot Mil.......

F14: "Scottish Mil this is <garbled> requesting climbout"
ScotMil: "?? err .. Testicle 01 ....? ...this is Scottish Military, squawk 6501"
F14 : "JESUS H CHRIST, Scottish, the callsign is FASTEAGLE 01, FOXTROT ALPHA SIERRA TANGO ECHO ALPHA GOLF LIMA ECHO !! "


:ok:

the funniest thing I've heard in ATC for a while is the new pay deal.

Some years ago, at Military Flight School, military ATC loved this procedure, right after landing clearance, with the plane on short final, and would apply it to a rookie student pilot everytime they could:

ATC - Student1, please confirm gear down and locked.

To what a student, flying a good old chipmunk ( so no retracting gear there ), would generaly reply with a looong silence, the a/c leaving the glidepath and leveling right away, resulting in many cases in a go-around, a lot of instructor yellin' and even some helmet hits by a very angry instructor's hand, apart from some very hard "behind"/parachute-area kickin' across the hangar after landing. All in a day's work.

One day, the ATC, soon after giving another chipmunk it's landing clearance, made the same request:

ATC - XXXX, please confirm gear down and locked.
XXXX - Gear down and locked by de Havilland.

The reply was made by one instructor in a hurry to get back to the airfield ;)

Like the last one with a twist:

Twr controller unfamiliar with CASA 212 departing:

"Coast Guard xx, your landing gear is down".

"Thank you very much. It has been down since 1986".

Best regards

on joburg special rules frequency for air to air position reports..."Uh,all statio-io-io-ns,th-th-th-is i-i-is A-A-A B-B-B C-C-C, (lady pilot stuttering uncontrollably)...then another (male) voice comes up "oh ****** it this is -ABC,C172 Coming up the eastern shore of Hartebeesport dam approx 7000 ft heading southbound...THE WIERD THING IS THAT THE MALE VOICE WAS FROM ANOTHER PLANE! obviously he was fed up with the stuttering, had the a/c in sight and decided to report for them!

AC to tower after a go - around,

Twr, AC123: there are a large amount of hares on the runway

Tower, unsure of what the AC is trying to tell them due to the pronounciation of the word 'hare' ask AC to repeat,

Twr, AC123: there are a large amount of hares on the runway

Tower still unsure of what is being told to them ask AC to again repeat,

Twr, AC123: you know hares on the runway? Big rabbits!

Tower finally understand what is being said to them and acknowledges.

Unknown callsign: better call the station barber then!

Were quite amusing at the time.

If memory serves every AC in the circuit asked if the livestock had been cleared from the runway when on finals - simple things!




:D

Landing at YBCG (Coolangatta, now Goald Coast) in an N22 Nomad, many many moons ago, and a rabbit was obseved darting across the runway just in the beam of the nose leg mounted landing light.

Tower advised and by the the time I'd parked, the advice went something like, "You got 'im, and his teeth are now poking out of his @rse"! :E

Heard this one a while back.

(Upper Airspace over Ireland)

Shannon: ABC123 For noise, turn left heading 275.
A/C: Left heading 275, but why for noise at F370?
Shannon: You ever heard two 747's crash? Its a shockin bang!