ATC Humour (Merged)
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Hamburg
Age: 46
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Frensh Accent melts female Controller
Heard this one in Hamburg the other day. Female controller with gorgeous voice on the tower. Number one on departure goes:
"Air France two two one zero, runway three three, cleared for take-off. Au revoir, madame."
Next one on departure with mock french accent:
"Lufthansa deux deux juliette, runway trois trois, cleared for take-off. Au revoir, madame."
"Air France two two one zero, runway three three, cleared for take-off. Au revoir, madame."
Next one on departure with mock french accent:
"Lufthansa deux deux juliette, runway trois trois, cleared for take-off. Au revoir, madame."
Not a dialog, but an amusing ATC video on YouTube:
YouTube - Highly Skilled Air Traffic Controller
Highly Skilled Air Traffic Controllers for FedEx route airplanes around a thunderstorm approaching the terminal.
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Paris
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I should have come on this topic earlier...
I'll start with a cheater...
Tower (me) : "ABC, continue ILS Approach, reduce to minimal approach speed"
ABC : "We have already minimal speed"
Tower : "For information, you have two heavy lined up ahead for departure on the rwy..."
ABC : "Roger, reducing speed"
I'll start with a cheater...
Tower (me) : "ABC, continue ILS Approach, reduce to minimal approach speed"
ABC : "We have already minimal speed"
Tower : "For information, you have two heavy lined up ahead for departure on the rwy..."
ABC : "Roger, reducing speed"
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: The better half of England!
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You've got to laugh about it!
Had a bit of a mess up today on the RT with Scottish Information!
I was flying an aircraft G-ABCD then another aircraft G-AFCD came on to the same frequency also.
I was aware of this and was told by ATC
"G-ABCD, please use full call-sign whilst transimitting, another very similar call-sign is on the frequency"
My reply was "Will use full call-sign G-ABCD when transmitting, G-CD *pause* err G-ABCD!!!"
Thought i would share it with you all!
I was flying an aircraft G-ABCD then another aircraft G-AFCD came on to the same frequency also.
I was aware of this and was told by ATC
"G-ABCD, please use full call-sign whilst transimitting, another very similar call-sign is on the frequency"
My reply was "Will use full call-sign G-ABCD when transmitting, G-CD *pause* err G-ABCD!!!"
Thought i would share it with you all!
Last edited by G-FATTY; 15th Nov 2008 at 18:57.
Join Date: Feb 2006
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Indian Carrier (say it again airlines!!), transiting the airspace the other day...
ATC - "ABC123 cleared x,y and z"
Pilot - "Roger sir, cleared direct z"
ATC - "Negative, cleared x, y, and z"
Pilot - "Affirm Sir, cleared x, then z"
ATC - "Negative, cleared x, y then z"
Pilot - "Roger, cleared x, ....eeerrrrr...say again pleez".....
Approx 5 transmissions later......we got it.....
Local Pilot in southern american drawl comes on and says..."did you guys just launch to the moon!!!!!"......
By the way...anyone see the moon wobble last night????....Gulfnews: Moon landing sparks celebrations in India
ATC - "ABC123 cleared x,y and z"
Pilot - "Roger sir, cleared direct z"
ATC - "Negative, cleared x, y, and z"
Pilot - "Affirm Sir, cleared x, then z"
ATC - "Negative, cleared x, y then z"
Pilot - "Roger, cleared x, ....eeerrrrr...say again pleez".....
Approx 5 transmissions later......we got it.....
Local Pilot in southern american drawl comes on and says..."did you guys just launch to the moon!!!!!"......
By the way...anyone see the moon wobble last night????....Gulfnews: Moon landing sparks celebrations in India
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: NeverLand
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Expecting a departure from Leipzig which needed to be cleared in the upper airspace, callsign World WOAxxxx, I receive a call from the Bremen radar:
Bremen: hello, something for the world?
me:...peace, love and understanding?
bremen:........................................
me: you mean the world xxxx?
bremen: affirm (not very amused, I must add)
cheers,
A.
Bremen: hello, something for the world?
me:...peace, love and understanding?
bremen:........................................
me: you mean the world xxxx?
bremen: affirm (not very amused, I must add)
cheers,
A.
Join Date: Jun 2008
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Received in my inbox today, some are on here already, I'm sure some are urban myths but hey lets not allow the truth to spoil the fun 
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers 11/2008
Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"************************************************************ **************************************Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341:"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ************************************************************ **************************************O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."************************************************************ ************************A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"Student:"When I was number one for takeoff."************************************************************ ***************************************A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."************************************************************ **************************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"************************************************************ *****************************************One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."************************************************************ **************************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurtground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." ************************************************************ ************************************* While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the i rate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers 11/2008
Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"************************************************************ **************************************Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341:"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ************************************************************ **************************************O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."************************************************************ ************************A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"Student:"When I was number one for takeoff."************************************************************ ***************************************A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."************************************************************ **************************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"************************************************************ *****************************************One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."************************************************************ **************************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurtground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." ************************************************************ ************************************* While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the i rate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Join Date: Aug 2008
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Loving this thread. Takes me back many, many years to when I used to man co.freq. 131.8 (Bealine London)for the then BEA flight ops. This was operated by both a button on the mike and, for hands free, a floor switch. How many times was I caught out by someone asking me some very personal question about my sex life and wondering why they were giggling, till I saw the red TX light on the set glowing and shoved their foot off the floor switch !!!!! 
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In the same style.
Friend of mine told me about her school mate who went into radio news coverage.
One of her first assignments was to cover a local stunt kite display.
Live, on air, she asked one of the group...............
"So how long have you been flying these stite c***s " !!!
Friend of mine told me about her school mate who went into radio news coverage.
One of her first assignments was to cover a local stunt kite display.
Live, on air, she asked one of the group...............
"So how long have you been flying these stite c***s " !!!