Here are some rather weird ones I've heard in Jakarta...
1. CGK ATC trying to show the Europeans that we can direct traffic accordingly. (LH779 with JKT Arrivals)
"Jakarta Arrivals, Lufthansa779, passing FL345 for FL120 direct Delta Kilo India"
"Lufthansa779, Guten Tag, if you want, I can give you a 200 heading, descend at 5000 feet per minute down to 3000 on by the downwind 07L at max speed to be ahead of traffic. Do you want that sir?"
"Errr... errr.... ("Ja! let's do it" is heard in the background), OK we'll take that sir, heading 200 down to 3000 max speed and... 5000feet per minute?"
"Affirmative 779, report altitude now"
"Lufthansa779 passing 330" (16.46 local time)
I timed it...
(16.51) "Lufthansa779 contact approach on 1**.**, maintain speed until 3000 feet, we have heavy traffic behind"
"1**.** Lufthansa779"
(16.52)
"Jakarta Approach, Lufthansa779 at 3000 feet and slowing down"
"Lufthansa779, thank you for the fast descent, slow down to 220kts for traffic"
2. Why KLM causes confusion overshoots at CGK once in a while...
(KLM837 vs. Jakarta Approach)
"Jakarta approach, KLM837 passing 120 for 6000 on heading 230"
"KLM837, descend to 3000, cancel speed restriction"
"errr, KLM837 would like a self imposed 250knots below ten please. Do we have traffic behind?"
"KLM837, negative on speed, please maintain at least 280 knots, we have 5 behind you and tight"
3. How to handle poor English speaking pilots. (not meaning to be racists, we too have some very BAD pilots and ATCOs, but this one is neat!" (CGK Delivery vs. CS*** helped by CX710)
"Jakarta Delively, China Southern *** request clearance to Guangzhou"
"China Southern ***, cleared via route **** until **** and then to route **** flight level 370, what's your POB, registration and type please"
"China southern *** is Boeing 757, 1-8-6 on board, Bravo-####"
"China southern *** confirm route readback is correct please"
"China Southern *** is cleared to (and some unintelligable words)"
"China Southern ***, please readback again"
same thing happens... after 3 attempts,
"all stations this is Jakarta Clearance delivery, anyone speak Mandarin?"
Cathay710 offered help and problem was solved...
4. What we do to arrogant pilots. (CGK Ground & Tower vs. SQ161)
"Ground, Indonesia***, we've got generator failure. on txy A. Request tug please."
"Indonesia***, tug is on the way"
"Thai414, please use Bravo for 25R report passing the Indonesia 737"
"Thai414, err, we're inbetween alpha and bravo, and stuck sir"
"All station, this is Ground, All stations on northern side please STOP. Traffic jam"
"Singapore161, Ground, please standby"
"Singapore161 cannot accept ANY delay sir, we must depart immediately, can we use 25L, we don't mind the taxy."
So SQ161 was cleared to taxy all the way around the airport to the other side.
However, he had to hold short of a few incoming traffic to the southern terminal. SQ161 was not pleased.
"Singapore161, hold short of taxiway Kilo (or something) for incoming Merpati737"
"Singapore161, holding short, can we fast taxy to 25R please sir, we're running late now"
"161 standby"
"Thai414, Indonesia*** is now clear of you, proceed to 25R via alpha"
The race was on between TG414 for 25R and SQ161 for 25L... An A333 racing down alpha, and a 744 racing down delta... each is out of sight of the other.
"Singapore161 approaching holding 25L, request immediate take off."
"NEGATIVE 161, hold short of 25L"
"Thai414, thank you for your patience, behind approaching Garuda737, cancel SID, track direct PLB when airborne, line up 25R, standby for clearance"
"Singapore161, please hold short25L, we have 2 landing for 25L"
"Singapore161 is ready for rolling take off SIR!" (he's voice, already annoying the controllers, became more annoying)
"161 hold short... Mandala073 cleared to land 25L"
Then, "Mandala493, cleared to land 25L"
"Thai414, cleared for take off 25R"
"Singapore161, after Mandala493 on short finals, line up 25L"
after the Mandala493,
"SINGAPORE161 IS READY FOR TAKE OFF 25L"
"Singapore161, maintain position to maintain separation with Thai414"
"&&*^&^$#^@" from SQ161.
5. Last but not least... don't annoy controllers, they can REALLY waste your money. (Halim Tower vs. USAF171)
"Halim Tower, Air Force 171 on outer marker, missed approach ILS runway 24."
"Air Force 171, can you go back to outer marker please we have 4 coming in on 06"
"Negative for 171, we're already down on the ILS 24."
"PK-TSN, Tower, Cleared to land runway 06, ALL STATIONS be advised Airforce171 is on ILS24 for missed approach, upon go around, turn hard right to 180 at 1500 feet and await further instructions"
"PK-TSN go around as instructed, aircraft on the runway"
"PK-TSN heading 180 and climb to 1500"
"Air Force171 missing approach, and What the ! WHY IS HE SO CLOSE?"
"Air Force171 turn to 010, Climb to 5000, contact approach"
"171, we're going to do another approach sir!"
"Airforce 171, TURN TO 010, CLIMB TO 5000, CONTACT APPROACH"
"Approach, Air Force171, climbing to 5000 runway turning to 010"
"Air Force171, to keep you from chaos, track to and hold on outermarker runway 24 and climb to 6000 until traffic is cleared."
"errr, how many is coming ?"
"AirForce171, there is still 6 coming in for 06, expect hold for 45 minutes"
6. An ATCO that may need his brain replaced.
A few days ago, GA210 I think, was going Jakarta-Jogjakarta. Planned route is PW NDB(Purwakarta) -BDO VOR (Bandung) -CLP VOR (Cilacap) and then to Jogjakarta. Here it goes...
"Jakarta, Indonesia210, on climb passing 140 for flight level 240 tracking direct to Papa Whiskey, requesting direct Charlie Lima Papa"
"Indonesia210, climb to flight level 280 and track direct Charlie Lima Papa"
"Direct Cilacap and Flight Level 280 thank you, Indonesia210"
"It's Charlie Lima Papa 210. You say Cilacap again and you'll track original planned route and I will report you. Now repeat clearance please."
"errr, sorry sir. Flight Level 280 and direct Charlie.... Lima... Papa... Indonesia210"
Hope you enjoy these... they happened !
PK-KAR