ATC Humour (Merged) [Archive]

PPRuNe Dispatcher

13th Oct 2001, 01:13

Some years ago I aquired a copy of "Not Airway XMAS 1988". Enjoy the
following extract....
------
Quips of the year
A selection of R/T phrases you have loved.
Section one : THEM

"Was that for us, London?" OR "Say Again, London" OR Deafening Silence followed by either of the previous.
This is an ever-popular entry, which shows no sign of ever falling into
disuse. Usually heard at peak traffic periods, or whenever repetition of a
message would be least convenient.

"That was a bit close, London"
This well-worn favourite is usually delivered by the Captain, in a clear,
well-controlled monotone, betraying no hint of vexaction. However, careful
listeners will be able to detect background details, such as the First
Officer screaming "F**king Hell", fainting hostesses and passengers
complaining about the noise made by the passing aircraft.

"Bit bumpy at (insert your choice of flight level here) London, any chance of
(ditto)."
Another tried and tested chestnut, usually employed by crews on fuel-bonus
payments. It isn't bumpy at all, and they all know they've got more chance of
seeing tits on a billiard ball than their requested level, but still they try.
Don'tcha just love 'em?

"Bit of a build-up ahead, London. Direct destination would take us nicely
around it".
This one is almost beneath contempt. The meteorological phenomenon which
dictates that thunderheads always occur on the "standard" route and never on
"direct" routeings is a constant source of amazement to ordinary mortals.

"Can we keep the speed up, London?"
Usually heard from the last in a stream of eitht aircraft which you have just
cleared to Eastwood to hold. The temptation to make a witty rejoinder such as
"Don't be such a f**kwit" should be resisted.

"Any delays likely, London?"
See above

"Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is Captain Twatt welcoming you
aboard Dangerous Airways flight number sixty nine (followed by fourteen minutes
discourse on the weather at destination, the meal in first-class and the
sexual preferences of the galley hostesses)".
Every controller's dream, this one. The incorrect selection of cabin address
on an airways frequency is one of the few things that make this job
worthwhile, simply because you do not have to say anything at all to point out
the error of the offending captain's ways. The other aircraft on frequency
will gleefully sieze on his mistake and leave him in no doubt as to their
opinions. And if you are fortunate enough to have one of the less-inhibited
American airlines with you, you may hear the immortal phrase "Captain Twatt,
you are a **nt".

"Err, London, can you just confirm our routeing after Brookhams Park?"
This one always occurs just after you have given the aircraft (always
American, usually military) an enormous five-minute spiel, and he has managed
to read back a complete anagram of airways, fixes and co-ordinates, bearing no
resemblance to reality. The approved response is that, due to exhaustion on
your part, confirmation of said routeing will be available next frequency.

"This heading would put us nicely onto the localiser for two-six left,
London".
A thinly-disguised threat to carry out an unauthorized straight-in approach.
Easily discouraged by imparting the information that Gatwick have just changed
to zero-eight right.

"Hello London, any chance of three-three-zero direct Deauville?"
(Britannia Airways catchphrase). No, f**k off.

-----

Section two : US
"Air Algerie Two Zero Five Four, where the f**k are you going?"
Self-explanatory.

"Aeroflot One Six Five None, do you have a mouth full of gravel?"
An honest attempt to discover why the captain sounds as if his mouth is full
of gravel.

"Varig Seven Five Nine, are you aware of the Ockham hold?"
A little bit ambiguous - it could be taken to mean "Are you aware that there
IS an Ockhmam hold?" or "Do you know what the pattern is?" or even "I am
pleased to inform you that, due to your inability to understand my
instructions, you have just had seven airmisses. Congratulations." Under
normal circumstances, however, all three of the above will apply.

"Speedbird Seven Six One, can you give me a good rate of climb through flight
level one five zero?"
I have made a horrible balls-up of the whole thing and unless you go ballistic
for the next ninety seconds, you will crash into a lot of other aeroplanes.

"Speedbird Seven Six One, increase rate of climb"
You lied to me, you bastard.

"Speedbird Seven Six One, confirm your type IS a seven five seven"
The only way out of this unholy ****-up is to blame it on incorrect flight
plan information.
------

Mik

Bally Heck

13th Oct 2001, 01:14

ATC to Big aircraft from Big airline after landing: "Be advised sir that you were slightly to the left of the localiser all the way down the approach."

Big aircraft: "I know. My first officer was slightly to the right"

Check Wheels

13th Oct 2001, 20:01

VERY flustered Aerodrome controller during a busy burst at a secondary control zone tower:

ABC you're number seven - follow the fu**ing Cherokee mid-downwind.

Said Cherokee, a couple of minutes later, having received a landing clearance, "by the way Tower, we're just an ordinary Cherokee". :p

Loki

13th Oct 2001, 20:24

A classic one to an American military pilot told me by a colleague:

ATC; (a/c callsign) "resume your own navigation direct to Mildenhall, your QDM is 310"

A/C "aahh, we don`t carry that equipment sir"

Mister Gash

13th Oct 2001, 21:37

Happened to me recently...

ATC: XXXXX, go around 11 with right turn out to the new control tower.

ME (puzzled): Er, we’re unfamiliar with NEW control tower.

ATC: It’s the big tall building on your right with the air traffic controllers in it.

ME: Go around 11 with right turn out to the ten-year-old control tower, XXXXX.

[ 13 October 2001: Message edited by: Mister Gash ]

The Guvnor

13th Oct 2001, 21:42

Another classic:

Twr: ABCD say your height?
ABCD: Your height!

Twr: ABCD say your heading?
ABCD: Your heading!

Twr: ABCD say IFR plan cancelled
ABCD: FL60, heading 200, ABCD

=====

And another...

Twr: EFGH, Say your height and position?
EFGH: 6'2" and in the cockpit!

Loki

13th Oct 2001, 23:14

They`re all coming out now aren`t they?

"What`s your endurance?"

"Sun-Life of Canada"

Bailed Out

13th Oct 2001, 23:45

Heard at EGHH some years ago, a Lear with gear trouble elects to land gear up, now on short finals:-

Mr cool “I’m shutting down the electrics now so no more RT, not that I’m worried about a fire, I just don’t want you guy’s to have to listen to the screams !!”

Fly high else you'll hit summit!

henry crun

14th Oct 2001, 00:33

One from a long time ago before the days of squawk codes.

A USAF C54 inbound to UK contacts an RAF radar station and is asked to "make you canary (IFF) sing"

Long pause then MATS says " we don't have a canary but we have a bird colonel on board if he's any use to you".

divingduck

14th Oct 2001, 01:20

Pilot asking for a level for the 3rd time..
pilot...requesting FL370
me...do you have a TCAS?
pilot...yep
me...you tell me if you can have that level then...
pilot...maintaining FL330

Cough

14th Oct 2001, 15:53

My worst.....Just on the RET calling ground...

[me] "Ground g'day, [callsign] just pulling off"
[my face] RED

Dohhhh :o

CoodaShooda

15th Oct 2001, 07:29

DH82 visiting busy int'l airport for photo op with QANTAS 747 (many years ago)

ATC...XXX number 2 behind 727 5 miles your 12 o'clock. Maintain separation.

crackerjack

16th Oct 2001, 20:29

Amsterdam Radar "UK** stop climb level 210 for noise abatement"

UK Bloke "Confirm stop climb FL210 for *noise*?"

AMS Radar " Yesh Shir there is an aircraft above and you'll make a big noish when you hit"

sailor

17th Oct 2001, 12:05

Late evening ABZ, shortly before airfield closed for the day:- "F***ing DanAir 123 fully established R/W 18"
Tower: "Say again callsign"
"F****ing Dan Air 123"
"Phone ATC please after arrival"
" OK. Please listen to your ATIS before I call"
Loud and clear in background of ATIS recording "When's that f****ing Dan Air 123 going to arrive so we can all go home"

Vortex what...ouch!

17th Oct 2001, 22:11

Remember reading this somewhere from ATC to concorde heading into JFK.

ATC: "ah can you descend 20,000 feet in the next 18 miles."

Speedbird xx: (in very cultured English voice) "dare say I could old boy but I couldn't bring the aircraft with me." :D

Dockjock

17th Oct 2001, 23:17

ATC: FlightcraftXXXX(727) right hand 360 for spacing behind a Cherokee 3 miles final.

727: Do you know it costs $2000 dollars to do a 360 in this aeroplane?

ATC: Roger then give me $4000 dollars worth!

Warped Factor

18th Oct 2001, 21:39

ATC to Varig as it busts its level on departure......

"Varig123, what level are you climbing to?"

"Any level you like, sir"

And the following rumoured to have been heard on Thames Radar.....

"N123AB descend to 3,000ft, the QNH is 1013mb"

"N123AB can we have that in inches please"

"N123AB descend to 36,000 inches, the QNH is 1013mb"

:)

WF

MACC 29 all the time!!!!

18th Oct 2001, 22:59

Have to admit to this myself, chancing pilot cleared to FL190 and wanting to keep a continuous climb...

CS XYZ "approaching FL190"

I observe on radar a/c passing FL153 and without even thinking press the TX switch and say

"CS XYZ you lieing b***ard" (Was in a particularly bad mood that day.)

My Co-ordinator says "you transmited that"

I am just replying no i didn't when...

CS XYZ " my apologies you're quite right now passing FL160"

phew!!!! nothing more said :eek:

Paddington*

20th Oct 2001, 04:02

After good, careful vectoring by an ATC officer onto the ILS:

Me "Thanks for a great turn-on"

Two seconds later, my face turns a subtle shade of red

:o

Dohh!

Capt Homesick

20th Oct 2001, 05:51

I've posted this one before but never mind....
(At Vero Beach, a/c calling for rejoinwere expected to say on the first call whether it was to land, or to join the circuit)
N9248H (young oriental voice): "Cherokee 48H Webasso Bridge request join."
VRB ATC: "Roger 48H what are your intentions?"
N9248H: "I stay FlightSafety one more year, then go fly China Airlines!"

ehwatezedoing

20th Oct 2001, 06:39

Also posted this one before....& still love it:

departure taking care of one CF-18 after an airshow:

ATC:"-Allouette 22, what's your heading!?"
CF-18:"-........"
ATC:"-Allouette 22, what's your heading!?"
CF-18:"-......................."
ATC:"-ALLOUETTE 22 DO YOU COPY???"
CF-18:"-...... aaaaaah, we're not heading...... we're climing....."
:p

cojones

20th Oct 2001, 11:32

Speedbird 147 working Jeddah Control.
"Speedbird 147, you are cleared to Bahrain Inshaalah, call for descent."
"Ummmmmmmm"
"Speedbird 147, you are cleared to Bahrain Inshaalah, call for descent."
"Ummmmmm, Speedbird 147, our destination is Bahrain International????"

Slickster

22nd Oct 2001, 03:55

German controller at LGW:
"Delta 123 I cleared you to G1 you've gone past that and are now at J3"(cue frustrated German accent)

reply-"Gee m'aam, was I married to you once?!"

LAN

23rd Oct 2001, 00:48

CPH during late evening hours. A Shorts SC-7 is "Cleared to land 22L, after landing left via 12 to South", which is some 900 m. after the threshold.

Short lands in 600 m, turns off at a taxiway and calls TWR :

"Aaaarrh, TWR, DTR541...sorry, folks...we didn't make it" :D

air vent

10th Jul 2002, 19:06

Anyone got any good/funny stories about things that have happened in the past - either on the RT or in the ops room/tower?

evenflow

10th Jul 2002, 20:07

Is it really that bad down there?

theblipdriver

11th Jul 2002, 00:44

the best thing i heard in my training (we almost had to stop the exercise - we bursted into laughter) was during practising weather avoidance headings in an early stage of the ATC school. trainee wanted to say "to circumnavigate adverse weather fly heading...", but he finally said "to circumnavigate adverse wedding....". then the coach replied quite quickly "who are you talking to, your mother-in-law?"

this was our best one...

cheers

Tapster

11th Jul 2002, 02:38

In training on the Sim back in the 60s as a cadet someone who is now very senior, but a vgood controller and manager, was overheard to say "GABCD Have you just turned left on to a right hand heading?":) :) :)

theblipdriver

11th Jul 2002, 03:31

some other good ones from our training:
during emergency training: one acft cruising at FL330, crossing traffic at FL310, and (murphy :-) the upper one had a engine failure. so the pilot reported "DLH123, engine failure, leaving FL330 for 220", then the atco-trainee screamed "negative!!! maintain FL330!!!"

or another one , a B747, wanting to climb to FL350 from FL310. trainee asked "SIN123, ready for higher?" "SIN123 affirm", atco: "roger, then..." then he realised he had opposite traffic at FL330 "maintain FL310!" must have been a bloody disappointment for the 747! but the funniest thing was then the reaction of the coach (can't be translated..."sowas nennt man pilotenverarschung!!!!!")

was the best time of my life the training in ATC.

cheers,

eyeinthesky

11th Jul 2002, 08:20

Emergency training: 737 with double engine failure.
Lady approach controller: "Descend to altitude 2000ft, QNH 1004"

and then...??:D

short&shapeless

11th Jul 2002, 08:30

The scene:
Many moons ago in Germany, sat in Ground with the sky full of Harriers - Tower controller screening VERY attractive female U/T (yes I know it was the RAF but she was :D). SATCO (who liked to think himself a bit of a ladies man) walks in, makes a big play of sniffing the air and states "that smells nice, what have you got on?" IMMEDIATE response from Tower controller "well I've got a hard on - but I didn't know you could smell it! " Cue me on floor and SATCO departing very red-faced.

Barnaby the Bear

11th Jul 2002, 14:38

<Falling about laughing> :D

chiglet

11th Jul 2002, 16:12

Heard at Brum,1970
A [very] broad Northern accent...
Birmingham Approach, I've just flown over your airfield, and I'm lost. Can you tell me where I am Please?:rolleyes:
At Manch...[Irish Airline]xxx you are No 2 in traffic
Roger, is that No 1 in front?:D
In the RAF, Lightnig pilot ZZZ22 Fire one fire two
Female trainee Roger 22, understand both missiles fired:rolleyes:
Sme Trainee..zzz343, you are entering my dark area
343, it's ok, we'll be careful
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Standard_Departure

11th Jul 2002, 16:54

Overheard on Arrivals Freq.

PILOT: Arrivals, ABC123, what is our position in the sequence ?
ATC: Aaah lets see, ABC123, I have you pencilled in at number 2, but I do have vacancies at numbers 5 & 7.

short&shapeless

11th Jul 2002, 16:59

The Scene - same day, same team, not long recovered from 'hard on' call.

Dutch Mil Heli, callsign 'S69' calls for recovery.

Attractive U/t (still flushed): "sara...." "no.. seemer sick...." "no saver sex..." "oh this is no good I can't get my tongue around this callsign"

Suprised look on her face when she turns round to see everybody else in stitches - she did go a lovely shade on rosy pink though!!!

theblipdriver

11th Jul 2002, 22:18

it's not funny for everyone (especially for pilots...but what do they do in this forum anyway? :D ) : our first IFR-Voice lesson: "the two most important rules for an atco: ONE: never apologise on frequency and TWO : never call a pilot "sir"! let THEM feel YOU superior......."

cheers,

5milesbaby

11th Jul 2002, 22:20

During a day of just listening in during training, big delays had developed due to bad weather. A/c on departure, running late due to inbound holding, decided to please us with his cabin message over the RTF.
Pilot: ".............and we apologise for the late running of this service. Due to Air Traffic restrictions the a/c was late arriving at LHR."
Controller: "Lying bastard"
Pilot: (very quiet)"Sorry" :D

Bright-Ling

11th Jul 2002, 23:47

short&shapeless

Hey, was said suave SATCO (and now LTCC employee?) talking about a Red haired lady maried to puma jock??

short&shapeless

12th Jul 2002, 08:01

B-L, this happened a little earlier. Different SATCO - the one in question is now settled in Shropshire.

As to the U/t, she married a mud-mover who got an exchange across the Pond on A10s. Unfortunately for us - he took her with him;) FYI the controller was the original 'Kent "wide" boy' still plying his trade in that controller's graveyard, D&D I believe.

I know the Red-head you mean, but we never really got on, they called it a personality clash - which I thought was strange cos I didn't think I had one:D

Short Approach?

12th Jul 2002, 08:41

In the towe,r during my early OJT I had just issued an amendment to some a/c´s clearence. Then few seconds later it seemd better to clear him "straight ahead as well". Imagine my instructors surprise when I said something that sounded very much like: "xxx123 after depature continue straight to hell" :D

Wee Jock

12th Jul 2002, 09:11

Heard on the R/T recently-

'....I'm descending to altitude 1500' to be at the correct quadrangular heading.'

Me- '...what's your destination?'
Him- '...nowhere, I'm just gonna fly around here for a while...'

Many years ago in a previous life (RAF approach room)-

'..terminating service as you descend below my height..'
Several heads swivel to look at the speaker, who was all of 4' 10''.

'...XXX123 is on the 180 radial, no the 185, er...the 175, at eerrmm...20, no it's 22 miles on the ...' (CLUNK) '...OUCH'.
(Instructor got fed up and smacked him round the back of the head.)

Arabian Prince learning to fly, to the other aircraft downwind-
'...GET OUT OF MY WAY!'

Stansted Radar's first day in TC, and the go-around alarm is warbling away.
Heathrow God '...what's that noise at the Stansted end?'
Another Heathrow God '...its the alarm to tell them their plane's arrived.'

:rolleyes: :cool: :rolleyes:

ex-EGLL

12th Jul 2002, 12:31

Let me guess, one of those "Heathrow Gods" was the one and only Heathrow Director??

niknak

12th Jul 2002, 12:52

"mature male" OJTI briefing extremely pretty and voluptuous student atco prior to going on watch:

"Now then S....... , how many of my colleagues have you been with since the last time I had you?". ;)

foo fighting

12th Jul 2002, 13:00

atc management humour

2.2 %

nearly fell off the radar laughing, then I found out it was true - oh those funny guys in suits !!!!

:D :D :D :D :D

Big Tudor

12th Jul 2002, 13:22

S & S,

Would the 'Kent wide-boy' be the same one who did the VASI's / PAPI's / rabbits line?????

short&shapeless

12th Jul 2002, 14:19

B T, if my memory of the Line Book serves me right - YES. Then again, he was the culprit in virtually every other entry so it is difficult to tell

Aunt Rimmer

12th Jul 2002, 22:19

Once upon a large military exercise off the north of Scotland a US carrier F14 Tomcat pulls out of low level calling ScotMil Allocator ....

ac "Scottish this is $%66ee&&&gle]]!! zero 2, requesting radar climb"

ScMil "Testicle 02, squawk 6501 ident"

ac "JESUS H CHRIST, Scotland, the callsign is foxtrot, alpha, sierra, tango, echo, alpha, golf, lima, echo, F-A-S-T-E-A-G-L-E 02"

That took balls. Sad ATCO, I salute you !!

:D :D

Fox3snapshot

13th Jul 2002, 01:09

Two that left me snickering;

The first was at RAAF Edinburgh in Ozzyland a decade or more ago at night with a P3 Orion conducting night circuit training. On downwind the pilot advised the controller "for information we will be conducting a "lights off approach", whilst lining up on finals, the controller promptly turned off all the approach and landing lights....a surprised (and probably subsequently ticked off P3 pilot) overshot and the rest was probably more entertaining at the bar afterwards!! If it wasn't obvious...he actually meant his own landing lights!

The other was more recently here in the middle east when the many round the world ballooning adventures were being conducted in the last year or two. When one of the balloons crossed into the airspace (quite successfully following the airway I might add!), a controller drew the attention of another controller to the event and particularly the balloons spritely groundspeed of 160 knots or more....to which the controller asked (quite seriously I might add!) "I wonder if he has got a head wind or a tail wind?"

:D :p :D

Scott Voigt

13th Jul 2002, 03:38

Many, Many moons ago..... In a tower, far far away....

Alameda Tower, guess who....

( night time )

Walk over to lighting panel.

Calling Alameda Tower, (as the lights go out) guess where...

<G>

Bobman

13th Jul 2002, 21:49

I must give credit for this one to a friend who now works at EGCC......

While (xxx) was working in the tower at EGPD, he was faced with the following scenario........

Shorts 360, with female pilot handling the radio on short final with other fixed wing traffic close behind. Helicopter holding on base leg.

Helicopter instructed "(callsign), you are number two following a shorts 360, short final. Keep the circuit tight due further traffic on 4 mile final"

Helicopter reply "roger, when the lady has got her shorts down, I'll quickly slip my chopper in behind".

.........ahem..........!:eek:

Bagheera

15th Jul 2002, 01:04

Poor Shorts 360's, they always seem to be the butt.
Our resident humourists favourites are :-
Nice plane but why are you towing a caravan
and
I'm sure it will fly better once you take it out of the box.

You just cant buy experience

mcdhu

15th Jul 2002, 12:35

Ah, the Shorts 360, like the Proteus engine on the Britannia - every bar should have one. The best ice making machines in the west!!
Cheers
mcdhu

kishna

15th Jul 2002, 19:10

Heard on a UK airways freq just after new year a number of years ago:

Aircraft: "Contact Brest on ***** thanks and a Happy New Year"

London: "It will be as soon as the mother in law goes back home"!

Or on STN ground once upon a time:

Ground controller to an aircraft on his first call upon vacating: "Are you familiar?"

Aircraft: "We can be!"

turn right heading 365

16th Jul 2002, 16:27

You can have endless fun with SH36's:
two of them in the circuit are a pair of shorts, and I once had occasion to advise a pilot who gave the wrong callsign that he had the wrong shorts on.

LJDRVR

16th Jul 2002, 17:53

Excellent stories.

I was flying from Houston to Austin one day in a Lear 35. Houston Center kept trying to handoff NASA 972 (A T-38, most likely flown by an astronaut type) to the next sector.

"NASA 972 contact Houston Center 134.45."

-No response

"NASA 972 contact Houston Center 134.45."

-No response

"NASA 972, how do you read Houston Center?" (getting a bit upset)

-No response

This goes on for several minutes when finally, the T-38 responds to the controller's 'how do you read?'

ARTCC: "NASA 972, Houston center, FIFTH CALL, contact center now, ONE THREE FOUR POINT FIVE, that's ONE THREE FOUR POINT FIVE!,..OVER!" (quite a nasty tone)

PILOT: (muffled through the O2 mask) "Roger, twenty three forty five, sorry about that, I was on the landline."

I'm sure our passengers wondered why we were laughing like hyyenas. (SP?)

Another favorite was when center was handing out re-routes to all Chicage bound traffic due to storms over the entire midwestern portion of the US.

"United 462, Memphis Center, I've got a re-route for you too sir, advise when ready to copy."

"Yes ma'am, United 462, any chance of direct XXXX?"

"United 462, are you ah, RNAV equiped?" (sounding hopeful)

"No ma,am, but we are radar vector equiped!"

It occurs to me this forum might present me with the opportunity to thank the gentlemen at London Center who assisted us a few summers ago. We were climbing out of Birmingham on our way to Keflavik when we shed a generator. Having no idea where to get a Learjet 55 worked on in the UK, we asked you. After a bit of checking around, Luton was suggested. They did a great job at Metro, the repair actually cost us less than some places here in the states. Thanks for the help ya'all!

DAN

Stop Stop Stop

20th Jul 2002, 19:25

A colleague heard the following recently on the way into Schiphol.

AMS Controller: Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?

Continental XXX: Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm

AMS: Could you make it 3000 fpm?

Continental XXX: No Sir.

AMS: Oh do you not have a speedbrake?

Continental: Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!

canberra

21st Jul 2002, 10:10

when i saw that post about the tower at gutersloh i immediatley thought i bet that was him, and lo and behold it was. dont knock him though, he let me control one night. put me off controlling for ever! best one i ever heard in a tower was an arab student at cranwell who instead of saying simulated engine fire on board actually said simulated fire engine on board, well we thought it was funny!

Chilli Monster

21st Jul 2002, 16:54

tr365

If you get 2 SH36's in the circuit does it then become an allotment :)

canb

The Kent wide boys sense of humour is still the same - knew him at Gut too ;)

CM

javelin

21st Jul 2002, 17:24

If you want a real laugh - just call the lady controller at LBA Ma'am and see what happens :D :p

Wee Jock

22nd Jul 2002, 21:52

Seem to remember the BA Sheds were called Conservatories cos they were too posh to be Sheds...

:cool: :cool: :cool:

Tee

22nd Jul 2002, 22:46

Landing aircraft at Aberdeen on spotting the new fluorescent pink windsock,

"Nice windsock - where did you get it - Dorothy Perkins?"

Lon More

23rd Jul 2002, 08:48

Done to death but one of the best, Aberdeen and the Effing Danair.:eek:

Coke611

23rd Jul 2002, 10:40

I suggest you lot check out www.aviationhumour.co.uk . Theres some really funny stuff on there.

Biggin Koksy

23rd Jul 2002, 11:47

Done by myself on Hurn wings once. Brest asked me if I had received the estimate on so and so and without thinking I replied "Affirm Brest":D

Mr Chips

23rd Jul 2002, 11:50

without thinking? You used to LIVE for a chance to say that!!!!!

NorthernSky

23rd Jul 2002, 23:09

On the Shed topic...

It's the EFIS 360 which is the 'conservatory', surely (it's a 'glass' shed).

The speedbrake is, rightly, for our c**k-ups not anyone else's - that's why it's the 'lever of shame'.

Now, anyone going to recount the 'Coming over DODSI' story?

Deeko01

24th Jul 2002, 07:39

Heard recently at PF on RT a midland F100 coming in to land of an evening, controller said BMA1536 just gonna turn the lights down a little for you, the BMA replied yes thank you turn the lights down make it all nice and romantic.

Classic!

theblipdriver

24th Jul 2002, 19:32

...once a female trainee wanted to say "line-up behind landing fokker", and she ended saying "line-up behind f**king lander"....

cheers

Spiney Norman

25th Jul 2002, 14:29

BA ATP on short final with BA 737 at the holding point.....
Me: 'Speedbird XXX after the landing ATP line up runway 24'

SpeedbirdXXX: 'After the landing Skoda line up 24'

ATP: 'Whatdayamean, two screws are better than a blow job anyday'

Spiney

HEATHROW DIRECTOR

26th Jul 2002, 10:39

Here's one from long ago... maybe someone older than me can confirm or deny it..??

What we now know as LTCC (ex-LATCC) used to be the Southern Air Traffic Control Centre in a building on the north side of Heathrow. The name was written on the side in huge letters. At the time the Centre Superintendant was one Len Winter.

Some work was going on requiring the temporary removal of the name letters.. and Len came to work one day to find 50 juggernauts queued up outside SATCC. Some wag on a night duty had put some of the letters back.. to read LEN'S CAFE!

chiglet

27th Jul 2002, 19:45

A/c told to "Line up after the landing Shed" Was [Gently] reminded,
"Sir, We are a Super" Shed
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Sheilagh Blige

28th Jul 2002, 01:08

Heard on 126.65 just prior to an incident occuring.....

"Speedbird 123..can we route direct DCS?.............

ATCO........"Speedbird 123 can you ask me an easier one...preferably one on sport????????"

Looked good in the transcript!!!!!!!!:D

Pat Pong

28th Jul 2002, 13:39

You have to credit our American cousins with a quick wit. This is an oldy but definately a goldie -

us pilot: "London xxx, may we route direct Stabbs?"
atc: "xxx roger, direct routing approved. Oh by the way it's Saint Abbs."

.......... short but obviously thoughtful pause .........

us pilot: "London xxx we have a further request."
atc: "xxx go ahead."
us pilot: "After Saint Abbs may we route direct Saint Rumble?"

What a beauty :D :D :D

QNH 1013

28th Jul 2002, 18:42

I've heard that an Indian Training Manual on the correct use of English RT uses the following as an example of poor RT:

Pilot (presumably American): "Stove pipe five in the slot, boots on and laced, ready to bounce and blow"

Controller: "You got the nod to hit the sod"

It amused me anyway.

HEATHROW DIRECTOR

28th Jul 2002, 19:16

Thinks: I'll bet there are a fair few people reading this thread who are thinking...... I was involved in the REAL story, and that's not it!!!!

javelin

28th Jul 2002, 20:58

Approaching BHD northbound one sleepy morning, I heard a TWA inbound from the Atlantic cleared by a squeaky lady controller direct to DIKAS.

"Say what Ma'am"

was the reply :D

204 Red

30th Jul 2002, 20:55

Another oldie but goldie, supposedly true....

Some years ago at Gatwick several aircraft have started but, for whatever reason, there is a delay in issuing any taxy clearances. Eventually a Luftie is given taxy, before the pilot can acknowledge a very clipped British accent is heard proclaiming that BA*** had started first and demanding to know why they had'nt been given clearance first. This time before the Controller can reply the Luftie Capt. says " because ve ver up very early zis morning und put our towels on zer runway first!"

Stop Stop Stop

30th Jul 2002, 22:43

This has reminded me of something I heard once over France. An (unknown) American airline asked ATC if they could route direct to Rambouillet...."may we route direct RAM-BULLIT"

France ATC: "Would that be ROM-BWEE-AY monsieur?"

Pilot: "No sir, it says RAM-BULLIT on my flight plan"

Made me chuckle!

ayrprox

31st Jul 2002, 09:59

"DLHxxx What is your requested level today"....

short pause....

"Ve Vill Ask de qvestions"

I nearly fell of my chair!

NoFlyZone

31st Jul 2002, 11:12

BAW pilot (with one of the nice tartan tail jobs) at PF told to give way to a SH36 replied "After the Queen of the skies, taxi to...."

SH36 pilot replies "At least I don't have a travel rug on my tail!"

Whipping Boy's SATCO

31st Jul 2002, 17:09

Returning to the Gutersloh stories from S&S I have two more about said controller.

1. Tornado suffers birdstrike on landing.

Pilot "I think I suffered a birdstrike. Did you see where it hit?"

Controller "Just below the beak but I think its alright."

2. Very sharp station commander at morning brief.

"Mr A*******, the met man gave a moderate birdstrike risk up to 1700 ft. Why are you giving a risk to only 1500ft?"

"Ah Sir, our birds fly on QFE!"

canberra

1st Aug 2002, 17:57

the place leuchars ops wondering where the chinook is. reason we were wondering was cos he was for a rotors running refuel and these take up a few groundcrew and you have to have a fire vehicle on the asp as well. so my mate rings the tower to ask where it is and the reply was - whats a chinook? and if you think im making it up its in the ops room line book!

zkdli

1st Aug 2002, 21:44

G **** radar advisory service the barnsley is 1024

several minutes later, er finningley we've tried barnsley on 1024 and there is no reply, could you give us another frequency??

A harrier lands from a pan with total hydraulics failure:
twr- wit** do you need any assistance?
Harr _ well a tow bar and crash crews would be nice!!

Pontius

2nd Aug 2002, 17:35

Harrier with a total hydraulics failure....landed. Now I know you're making it up :p

Knackers

2nd Aug 2002, 23:41

When I was in Port Hedland, Western Australia, the pilots used to like reporting:

"At Intercourse Island, heading up Rosemary's Passage"!

Another chap had a stutter and gave us a heart attack one day reporting:

"Hedland this is ABC, Pan Pan Pan Panawonica this time estimating....".

Another time, Punk rocker Alfred (?) Newman flew in with his private PA31, painted completely black, with a bed in the back, rego G-NUMN or G-NMAN (I think). We went down to the air conditioned terminal, where he was hiding from the 40C heat, to say gudday. He was looking very dismal after flying across the Great Australian FA and said, "how do you stand here? Are there any squirrells?"! He lived with his mum, which didn't fit our image of a pommy punk rocker!

Knackers

3rd Aug 2002, 02:03

That was Garry Newman! Alfred's from Mad Magazine.

stonefish

4th Aug 2002, 02:11

A couple of months ago at Dubai we were experiencing windshear on finals for 12L. Indian Airlines A320 lands and after vacating the runway calls GMC...
"Ground India***please to be adwised on final ve ver getting strong vind from backside" !!!

Aunt Rimmer

4th Aug 2002, 21:16

I claim that one !

It was Waddington, it was a Saturday in 1986, and it were a pretty thick Lancashire accent flying out of Gamston or summat ...

Honest !

Hew Jampton

5th Aug 2002, 11:56

Aircraft inbound to LHR, where holding has just been announced: "If we slow down now, will we lose our place?"
LATCC: "You certainly won't, because you're last!"

MAN ATC to local PPL:"Are you Victor Mike up there?"
Local PPL: "Nay, it's me 'n 'Arry oop here"

(Apocryphal) Male LHR GMC: "Have I given you a stand yet?"
Pilot: "Not in that tone of voice, duckie"

Civvie LATCC controller, having been asked some time before to accept a pair of Buccaneers: "Where are my Buccaneers?"
LATCC Mil controller: "Under your Buccan headset!"

pom

5th Aug 2002, 23:16

Gleaned over the last 30 years:

A BOAC 707 was attempting to operate the first direct flight from Heathrow to Singapore. Hanging in the sky at FL430 over India, the Captain spots a Pan Am 707 below him at FL290. He can't resist it.
BOAC 707: "Hello Clipper, what are you doing down there?"
Pan Am 707: "600 knots."

BA a/c: "I say London, a Caledonian 1-11's just shot under my nose."
London: "Thanks very much, I was looking for him."

ATC: "Clipper 123, what's the turbulence like at your level?"
123: "Well ... how shall I put it? The Captain's just stuck his fork up his nose."
ATC: "TWA 789, what's the turbulence like at your level?"
TWA: "I don't know, we haven't eaten yet."

BA: "Shannon, what's the weather like this morning?"
Shannon: "Ah, it's a lovely day. If the earth was flat you could see right round it."

BA: "Bangbird, this is Speedcock....."

Lady controller to American who's just fouled up his taxi clearance: "ABC, you've just completely messed up your clearance. Stay where you are and don't move until I get this situation sorted out. You've held up all the aircraft on this field. I don't know how I'm going to get this cleared up. The delays could run into hours. JUST HOLD YOUR POSITION!!!"
ABC: ".... silence ...."
LC: "ABC, DID YOU COPY?"
ABC: "Sorry ma'am, but you sound just like my wife, and when she starts talking, I stop listening."

Aer Lingus inbound to Frankfurt, where they land on parrallel runways served by a single ILS. You don't know which runway you're going to land on until the last minute - not that our heroes know this ....
AL: "Frankfurt approach, Shamrock XYZ descending to FL50. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ turn left heading 100, descend FL40"
AL: "Turn left heading 100, descend FL40. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts."
AL: "Roger, continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM: "Shamrock XYZ turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft."
AL: "Roger, turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft."
AL: "Frankfurt, Shamrock XYZ. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?"
FFM (really fed up): "I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT."
AL: "Roger, ........................... is there anything else important you're not going to tell me?"

And finally, today in Bristol.
Turboprop: "Is that Airbus a heavy?"
ATC: "He's a medium."
Airbus: "I knew you were going to say that."

Check Wheels

6th Aug 2002, 04:34

During a fairly busy traffic pattern at an Australian secondary aerodrome several years ago, very flustered and emotional aerodrome controller:

"ABC , number 6, follow the ****ing Cherokee mid-downwind."

Cherokee pilot, after landing:

"By the way, Tower, we're just an ordinary Cherokee."

NorthernSky

7th Aug 2002, 07:57

See above, it's Gary Numan. He did live with his mum for a long while, though my guess is he spent most nights with his v. gorgeous girlie. A good pilot, too - even stopped me flicking his Harvard (we were at 1500ft)!

Now, at Schiphol a while ago:
A BAW is taxying out to 01L via the Outer (those were the days) and the South.
UKA123 is cleared to follow the Speedbird.
Speedbird misses the turn onto the South, and goes straight ahead onto the freight apron.
ATC deals with it:
'UKA123, you know I said follow the Speedbird?'
UKA123 'Affirm'
ATC 'Well don't'

And still no-one posts the DODSI story.....

fly bhoy

7th Aug 2002, 09:33

Not really ATC humour and don't know if they're true or not, but they made me chuckle anyway:-

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the
mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need
repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes
and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the
pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as
submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had
an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
**********************************************
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.

P: Something lose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

FB:D

canberra

8th Aug 2002, 17:23

qantas is the only major airline that has an accident- yet!!

Bigears

9th Aug 2002, 08:57

Canberra, qantas is the only major airline that has an accident- yet!! - errr, perhaps you meant 'hasn't had....'?
Even then you'd be wrong......Qantas news report (http://news.airwise.com/stories/2001/04/988197540.html). One of those days I guess :p

Leslie

9th Aug 2002, 12:47

Apologies if this has already been submitted...
On a very busy frequency, rapid RT interupted by,
PPL: Manchester Control, This is Gulf Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta, We are in a Piper PA-28 Warrior with 3 people on board,currently approximately 5 miles north west of Barton, at 4,000ft on a QNH of 1007, heading 280 degrees at 100 knots. request a flight information service
Control: G-CD, are you Victor Mike Charlie
PPL: (Period of silence) Err, No I'm Albert Smith.

Gaza

10th Aug 2002, 09:15

Guys

Thank you very much for sharing these gems with us! You have brightened up my Saturday morning. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face!!

:D :D :D

Gaza

10th Aug 2002, 09:28

Not sure how true this one is, but who ever let the truth get in the way of a good yarn?

Been to Frankfurt Before?

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

with alacrity

10th Aug 2002, 11:59

Heard this whilst working at LATCC many years ago.
A JAL DC8 inbound to EGLL having great difficulty navigating to beacons and VOR'S eventually gives up and asks for radar steers to BOV. Unknown American accent chips in with "How the hell did they ever find Pearl Harbour"?

canberra

10th Aug 2002, 12:18

from the gutersloh line book. tower to visiting bea viscount(this was in 73) are you familiar with gutersloh? the reply was "i was hrer in 43 but i didnt stop"
also from frankfurt, usaf c130"can you ask the lufthansa 747 in front of us to come up on 130.9" lufthansa 747"we dont use unauthorised frequencies" usaf c130"tower in that case can you inform him hes still got all his undercarraige locks in!"

Big Tudor

12th Aug 2002, 09:40

Canberra

Any idea if the GUT linebook survived the pongo's takeover. Should be placed in a museum that book. :D

zoics77

12th Aug 2002, 14:36

On Sydney Gound not too long ago (most QANTAS aircraft are named after OZ ctiies or towns):

Ground: EAL give way to 767 city of Bundaberg outbound.
EAL: Roger
Ground: OGM your number one to the city of Geelong, taxy to holding point...
OGM: Roger, you've got good eyes!
Ground: Yeah, and I can see the gestures you're making at the tower.
OGM: It's not me, it's the bloke sitting next to me!
Ground: The one with the bad haircut?
OGM: Yeah.

Wee Jock

12th Aug 2002, 21:24

Heard today on the RT:
Frenchperson - '....leaving your fragrancy...'

:rolleyes: ;) :rolleyes:

AEROVISION

13th Aug 2002, 12:29

Today at Dubai Arrivals:

ARR. A/C XXX, slow down 250
A/C Slow down 250 XXX and ,eh, what made you slow us down?
ARR. You did.

A.V.

canberra

13th Aug 2002, 16:50

i left gut in 85! but dont forget that theres still an raf atc presence. the army wanted to keep the airfield open for the timmys but they forgot to tell the raf untill it was too late!

Muppit

13th Aug 2002, 21:12

Before my time but part of LGW legend:

Posh Pilot - "CFE8086 approaching taxiway 2" (but with at least 200m to run)

Northern ATCO - "Well keep on bloody approaching then!"

And the same guy having slighlty miscalculated a deprture gap...

"Take off quickly. Fly slowly!"

:p

BN2A

15th Aug 2002, 16:30

GMC: Taxi stand xy

Pilot: Taxi stand xy. Any route?

GMC: Just stay off the grass...

:rolleyes:

Standard_Departure

16th Aug 2002, 06:30

One of the controllers here occasionally says (off the frequency) when there is a whining pilot on the frequency :

"Would you like some cheese to go with that w(h)ine sir?"

AND

How about the slip of the tounge on Arrivals (me).

"XYZ123, Cleared ILS APP RWY 30L report likeloser established"

the next 6 or 7 aircraft all readback "LIKELOSER established"

Seemed funny at the time though !!

mysteryman

16th Aug 2002, 19:53

Hello All

Look in the back pages of loaded in amongst the porn numbers and the cannabis growing kit is an advert for NATS
And in my inbox the afternoon an offical appology
now that's ATC Humour

MM

theblipdriver

17th Aug 2002, 20:34

the ones which still happen to me are:

hotel rolf gomeo (golf romeo...) and the classical "slide glope". but only when i'm really overstressed.

and last week heard twice a heading 365 in atc-sim . and in one, a fellow blipdriver read it back :D

cheers

I'm not joking sir

17th Aug 2002, 22:09

Heard at Eastleigh:

"Navy Swordfish solent - report your a/c type"

After being told the local standby is for an RT fail a/c - "Tower fire 1 - once landed can you ask the a/c to contact us on 121.6"

BDiONU

18th Aug 2002, 15:52

Just recalled this gem from the aforementioned cockney wide boy whilst serving at the Gut.

Two French mirages in the circuit, first lands and the second is too tight behind, told to go round. Next approach, told to go round again to which he replies "Ev I 'ave to go 'round again I 'ave to jump out!" Quick as a flash our hero replies "Roger, understand you're fuel priority......."

pom

19th Aug 2002, 00:32

and of course ....

Virgin with a tight slot .......

divingduck

19th Aug 2002, 07:01

quite a while ago in Perth West OZ.....

ATC...long and complete bollocking a pilot for unauthorized level change...

unknown pilot...Perth, do you have another frequency for us that we can use?

ATC...why?

Unknown...theres a p1ssed off tone on this one!

Flash0710

19th Aug 2002, 10:52

A somewhat overloaded controller famous for going into " Standby " mode at peak times

A/C Twr G-xxxx

ATC Standby shutdown will call you back in five mins

A/C But im over the marina..................:eek:

jaw

19th Aug 2002, 11:50

Im not sure how it got there but the Gutersloh Line Book resides in the ATCEB HQ - welcome any time.

foo fighting

21st Aug 2002, 22:34

Apparently Scottish worked a plane last tuesday

LLZestablished

21st Aug 2002, 23:34

Tower controller (procedural station, running out of answers) to lightie approaching overhead the VOR on aid work:

"Juliet Echo Mike, maintain five thousand, track visually north of the 360 radial!"

LLZe

captainatc

22nd Aug 2002, 00:34

Overheard on FAJS GMC,

ATC - ABC232 Fl350 is not available, what is you alternate.

ABC232 - Bloemfontein (Without hesitation):confused:

Ausatco

22nd Aug 2002, 01:26

Two radar controllers side by side, one male, one female, working the sequence.

M: (Wanting an early turn for his traffic) "Can I turn hard right inside your Shorts?"

F: "You'll have to buy me dinner first!"

In a similar vein...

Very attractive new controller wearing sprayed on stretch jeans signs on and plugs in.

Rather paternal Centre Supervisor wanders over to say hello to the new girl, observes skin tight pants and says "Goodness, how do you get into those?"

She says "Dinner and a drink usually works!"

:D

AA

LLZestablished

22nd Aug 2002, 06:17

B727 skipper (peeved) to Approach:

"Confirm you want us to follow a Twin otter?"

Approach in warm comforting tones:

"Oh, no, you're following a Shorts 360, he's following the Twin Otter!"

LLZe:D

Line up and go

22nd Aug 2002, 10:54

apocryphal story from the 60's

Aeroflot routeing to EINN and then to Cuba at time of tension...

"Aeroflot 123 do you carry transponder?"

"Negative sir, ve only carry agricultural equipment"

and

on Red 3 EGAA to EGGP!!

"Preston this is Cambrian 123 is FL80 available?"
"Cambrian 123, Preston, Affirmative climb to FL80"
"Negative Preston, we don't want FL80, just wanted to know if it was available!"

;)

Go-Around

23rd Aug 2002, 09:38

Just the other day.

LGW Twr: "Jetset ***, Tower"
Jetset FO: "Go ahead"
LGW: "What's the wind like up there?"
Jetset FO: "Just fine thanks"

Dytter

23rd Aug 2002, 18:18

FK27 outbound from EGBB has an unusually good rate of climb, sufficiently good in fact that the following conversation took place.

Me: "xxx123 check your aircraft type is a Fokker Friendship?"
A/c; " Affirm London... (pause)... GTI."

Made me chuckle :-)

Also; In the days that the Red Devils used to parachute over Queens Parade and work TMA south for entry into controlled airspace, a Quantas jumbo on a SAM departure on a sunny day reported "Hey, London, there's an aircraft on our left hand side and there's people falling out of it."

Aware of the presence of the BN2 used by the team (GORED), the controller replied "is it a red islander?" The Quantas then replied "Blimey, that's a good radar!"

StuckMic_com

24th Aug 2002, 17:13

The best for me was an ATCer:

"XXX123 standby for an immediate descent!"

:eek:

Squadgy

25th Aug 2002, 10:52

Once had this one :

Me : "G-AA what is your present position"

Pilot "2 miles north of Swinton INTERCOURSE"

(Swinton Interchange is a VRP in our local area)

Left me wondering was on the pilots mind !!

:rolleyes:

Cuddles

25th Aug 2002, 20:13

'Rescue ***, you're identified, the Yarmoth regional is...immaterial, however the Humber regional is 1003'

It took a while for them to do the readback, can't imagine why.

Spearing Britney

26th Aug 2002, 14:02

A/C reports on frquency climbing to FL 200

ATCO "XYZ123 cleared FL300 and report to London on 123.34"
A/C "Climb FL300 and call 123.34, that was quick"
ATCO "always is..."
A/C "oh, poor girl, give her my number"

:D

Or the new Eurocontrol ACAS II bulletin which talks about a conflict induced by a BAe 146 having good climb performance!!!

Jay Doubleyou

26th Aug 2002, 16:57

Two from the 60's

Lady Pilot in the FIR: London, whats the regional QNH?

FIR Controller: XXX Mb.

LPIFIR: What's that in inches? I've got an
amercan altimeter!

FIR: 29.23 inches.

Voice from the Blue: Gosh! You'd better give her that
SLOWLY London!

From the days when visual climbs were legal!

Radar: AirFrance XXX, what are your flight conditions?

AF: In and out of ze bottoms.

Voice from the Blue: Vive Le Sport!

Both quoted from IPCS Magazine "On Watch" so they must be true!

canberra

26th Aug 2002, 17:38

its not that funny but i remember this one from a bbc series a long time ago called diamonds in the sky, this was at ohare

tower"united 123 whats your position"
united 123"im taking off" well it made me laugh! and you probably had to watch the programme to find it funny.

mattpilot

27th Aug 2002, 19:15

An Editor from Private Pilot Mag. has written an article about the Shorts 360 - i'm gonna paraphrase the funny stuff :)

"We were flying island-hopper service in a shorts 360 .... Number two holding short, behind us, was a Continential 737-800 .... one of the pilots keyed the mic and said to me and Joey, 'Hey, you guys build that thing yourselves?' .... joey and i exchanged the look that flight crews have probably exchanged since the first Shorts hit the line. As in ... you wanna respond to this morning's put-down, or shall I? ..... We could have said, 'Dont laugh; its paid for.' .... or 'Opps, they forgot to take our airplane out of the box.' .... or 'I may be slow, but i'm ahead of you.' .... or 'We've had five beauty queens from Osaka in our shorts this week, over' "

:D

Haul By Cable

28th Aug 2002, 19:46

Tower: "Nxxx, cleared touch and go, two five right."

Me (prim and proper voice): "Cleared touch and go, two five right, Nxxx (undetected stuck-mic, me with growling tone to my instructor...) YEAH! If I can see the DAMN RUNWAY!!!!"

Instructor instantly pounces on switch on yoke infront of a startled me, whilst guffawing with laughter!

:o :o :o

(Well, my instructor was pissing himself! :rolleyes: )

ghost-rider

31st Aug 2002, 10:43

An RAF fighter-controller conducting practice intercepts in the Nicosia FIR tx'ing to the lead of a pair of F3s :

"... Eagle 01, your target 350/10 heading south. Mission : intercept, identify and report, acknowledge."

"...Eagle 01 roger, fox 1 !" :eek:

Doh !

Capt. Reepicheap

31st Aug 2002, 16:00

Years ago flying around the Indian Ocean I was amazed to find the 3 waypoints 200nm northwest, north and northeast of Gan where respectively WHATA BUMMR and MOMMA. How did that one get past the waypoint name allocators in Montreal?

Great pages, thanks everyone who's contributed.

canberra

1st Sep 2002, 17:10

sorry to sound serious but since when did icao have any say over what reporting points are called? as far as im aware the only rule there is about naming them is that they must have 5 letters and at least one vowel. but has anyone noticed dandi and beeno in the north sea?

radar707

1st Sep 2002, 18:50

I also think (although I may be wrong) that a/c routeing via BEENO and DANDI also encounter KOMIK.

javelin

1st Sep 2002, 22:45

The waypoint thing goes on and on. There are two approaches into airfields near Boston - here are the waypoints

ITAWT
ITAWA
PUDYE
TTATT
IDEED

and

HHAMM
BURGR
FRYYS

Yep, someone has a sense of humo(u)r depending on which side of 30W you inhabit.

mattpilot

1st Sep 2002, 23:12

You'll actually find one called "SATAN" here in the US. dont know exactly where though.

Imagine hearing this, "Proceed direct to SATAN". Thats one clearence i'd refuse :p

luvly jubbly

2nd Sep 2002, 07:22

Funny story from a lad I did CPL/IR training with, who once asked a female RAF controller for MAX PENETRATION. Cue fit of giggles from her.
It was a good while later til he realised he should have said MATZ!

Still like the Heathrow depature " Virgin with the tight slot!"

Not so funny......Me trying to be accommodating to Air Traffic after being cleared number 1 to final;
"Want me to do an orbit so you can get the Speedbird away?"
"Roger, thanks G-**** you are number 7!"
"Hope I didn't key the mic for my response!!"

LJ

BobAgg

2nd Sep 2002, 19:57

Got quite a few from being in and around the simulator during Emergency Training..

ACPO - Mayday Mayday Mayday, SHT 4H, we've got cock in the smokepit. (Think about it)

ACPO - Mayday Mayday Mayday, BMA5NL, we've got a left hand fire engine ( and that one!)

ATCO - AAL23, turn right, radar heading 365.
ACPO - Roger, heading 365
ATCO - In fact, better make that 005!

ATCO - EZY305, make your rate of climb in the descent 2000fpm

ATCO P - The Amtran's looking for 230
ATCO e - F**K the Amtran, keep at 180

chiglet

2nd Sep 2002, 21:00

Two spring to mind
Preston [Procedural] Controller:rolleyes: to Preston [Radar] guy,
"When the Inbound to Belfast at FL220 has passed the Outbound from Belfast at FL230 you can descend the Inbound:confused: "
Same chap.
Navy Devonxxx Mayday Mayday Double engine failure....
Roger Navyxxx Maintain FL80, Traffic beneath you:rolleyes:
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

SPRATLEVEL300

4th Sep 2002, 22:04

(helpful controller on CLN trying to ascertain a good/bad time for another controller to go sub load to the Far East0

ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938 : Say again!
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938 : Say again!
ATCO: CCA938 can you tell me when Chinese new Year is?
CCA938; Affirm our callsign is CCA938.
Unidentified B.A Why don't you try ordering a takeaway?:)

willadvise

6th Sep 2002, 07:06

Some of the highlights copied from similar thread in Dunnuda and Godzone (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=64815&perpage=15&pagenumber=1) at the moment

-------------------------------------------
Melbourne ATC: Virgin *** blah blah blah

Virgin ***: Sorry MEL could you say again, you were in with a Flight Attendant.

MEL ATC: I wish!

------------------------------------------------
Approx 4:00 AM one morning when I was flying up in Cape York.

BN Brisbane, India X-ray Charlie departure.

IXC India X-ray Charlie go ahead.

BN India X-ray Charlie departed Weipa 35, tracking 127,
climbing 7000, estimating Coen,...........ahhhhhhh Stand by.

IXC India X-ray Charlie request.

BN Go ahead.

IXC Ahhhhhhhhh............... rodger, I seem to have left my flight
plan in the fax machine at home....................Don't suppose
you could give me my flight details.

After a minutes pause......

BN (laughing) India X-ray Charlie we can do that for you. You
have departed Weipa.

Another pause

IXC Ahhhhhhhhhh...........rodger, I kinda know that much.

BN (still laughing) You are off to Cairns.

Another pause

IXC You guys are goung to drag this out for a while just to
embarrass me aren't you.

This went on for a while, eventually the rest of the details were also given.

---------------------------------------------------

Some years ago while an F/O on F28s at PX we were operating on a QF flight number ex CNS for POM. Our Fokker was 'parked in' so we needed a push back and this caused a short delay.

After departure call to QF CNS went something like this;

Me " Qantas Cairns QF 123"

QF CNS " QF 123 go ahead"

Me " Cairns QF 123 off blocks xyz, 5 minutes late due Captain requiring a tug before taxi!"

Captain looks dumbfounded as QF Cairns tries to keep a straight 'voice'...unsuccessfully!

Chuck.

----------------------------------------------------

flower

8th Sep 2002, 19:46

As one of only 2 lady controllers at my unit you get used to flirtatious comments over the R/T but one particular J41 Captain at my unit was often a little OTT.
This captain inbound late one evening reported in at 6 miles realising it was me asked if "he could take the full length"
my response was "naturally". Anyhow the J41 landed and vacated the runway at an intermediate holding point.
ATC : "if that is what you call the full length than I am extremely disappointed"
J41 Captain "I think you call it premature intersection"

How do you respond to that !!!

--------------------------------------------------------

Again two J41 aircraft inbound to the field, the first aircraft established inbound on the ILS, second aircraft reports visual with the field requesting a visual approach.
ATC: are you visual with the company Jetstream in your 1 o'clock
range 6miles.
J41 : negative are you sure you mean in my 1 o'clock.
ATC : try looking to the right of your 12 o'clock
J41 : visual .

And we trust them to fly people !!

Darren999

9th Sep 2002, 18:09

Hi all.
Just loged onto site, these cracked me up, please keep them coming. most amusing
Heard this at an airport south east.
Controller- can you make 1 left hand orbit so I can get the shorts skyvan in before you, then I can get you in
Pilot- yes maam' you get your shorts down , and I'll come in from behind.
That floored me too...:D

canberra

9th Sep 2002, 19:14

another one i remember from gutersloh. usaf c23(shorts3-30 or was it 3-60?) taxying out, he spies a twin pioneer on the ramp "say what type is that?" thats a twin pioneer says the ground controller "boy we thought we were ugly" say the yanks.

Check 6

10th Sep 2002, 11:24

This guy was filing a VFR flight plan with Detroit Radio (FSS). Everything went okay as the FSS specialist prompted the pilot through the flight plan form, item by item.

DET: Number aboard?
N1234: Two
DET: Color?
N1234: uh...white males.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overheard on approach to San Jose, California (KSJC):

TOWER: American 332, cleared for takeoff.
AMERICAN 332: We already did that.
TOWER: Uh, American 332, contact Bay Departure.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ghost-rider

10th Sep 2002, 11:33

Infamous female FC ( fighter controller ) : whilst on a night shift, she walked unnoticed into the Ops Rm, and was listening to a bunch of lads discussing the physical merits and attributes of a new girlie just posted in.

Although said FC had a great sense of humour, she feigned shock horror at the graphic tone of the conversation, and the fact that we hadn't noticed she was there.

"Maybe I'll have to put bells on my shoes, then you can all hear me coming !" She announced.

She then wondered why we were all doubled up laughing ! :D

pennypitstop22

11th Sep 2002, 15:38

The setting:

Me instructing an Air Training Corps Cadet for his PPL. We're doing a cross-country flight. He's a good, keen student; I'm barely conscious, as this is the third student of the day on the same route, and it's a glorious summer's day.

XXX Approach being manned by a guy I think is now at Brussels FMU, then also a part time instructor at same flight school, one of the funniest wits I have ever known, and he knows I'm on board.

Student passes over a turning point, get's himself onto his new track, works out his ETA for the next point, and then does a position report:

"XXX Approach, G-WK was overhead YYY at time 51, 2000 feet, VMC, estimate XXX at 68".

"G-WK, XXX Approach, roger, turn right heading 370°"

Pause of about 30 seconds, controller transmitts, "Did he turn?"

Reply: "Yup....." and then sound of "...Oouch" from student as I twang an earpiece from one of his ears!!!!! :rolleyes:

And, on the Shorts 360 theme:

Definition of a Shorts 360?

The box the Twin Otter came in

:D :D :D

Keep 'em coming, guys !!!

Whipping Boy's SATCO

12th Sep 2002, 15:58

At an airfield far far away...

ATC "1234 set QNH 1008 mbs"

Pilot "Negative, request QFE. We're British military and we fly on QFE."

ATC "1234, this is a QNH airfield and procedure. I say again, set QNH 1008 mbs"

Pilot "Well, I say again, we're British military and we fly on QFE"

ATC "1234 roger, have it your way, set QFE 817 mbs"

chilleruk1

13th Sep 2002, 09:57

Not long ago I heard a 777 pilot on Gatwick Radar ask for a slower approach as they'd been cleared quicker than anticipated up to that point and the cabin crew had not finished serving breakfast!

The controller slowed him down and just before giving a vector for the ILS he asked if they were OK, or did he want to go around the block again!

He replied "no we're fine, thanks for your help.

Hippy

13th Sep 2002, 10:37

USAF making approach to RAF airfield:

APP: "Punchy22, descend altitude 2,000 feet, QNH 1009"
Punchy22: "Errr, request that in inches please Sir?"
APP: "Punchy22, descend altitude 24,000 inches, QNH 1009"

:D :D :D

Mini Blue

13th Sep 2002, 22:31

Just two to add,

Training at Latcc, Busy holding in the morning and having rattled off a diversion route to egcc, the reply in a wonderful southern drawl " can you say again after leave MERLY? Iwrite about as slow as I talk"

And from a NWA by GIBSO after 3 calls to climb and in an indignant voice "London we were in a turn!!"

Cheers all.....

Kilgore Trout

14th Sep 2002, 10:35

While trying to work out a sequence a few years ago:

Me G-XX, report your range
G-XX About 4 hours on full tanks.

flowman

15th Sep 2002, 00:04

Typical winter's night many moons ago, westerly gale. DC3 comes on frequency flying fresh fruit & veggies across the Irish Sea, groundspeed about 40kts:
Very bored pilot: "Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent"
ATCO: "Atlantique 353 descend to FL60"
Very bored pilot: "Roger descending to FL60 (leaving finger on transmit button), Okay tomatoes we're going down".

:)

chiglet

15th Sep 2002, 16:03

Same Theme:D
EIAPC [a Bristol Frightener] going backwards on estimates...
"Preston, E-PC what's your speed?"
"50kts", quickly followed by a[very] thick brogue, "Dat's a lie, we're doin' a hundred and ten"
Well it was funny at the time:D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

cjlar

17th Sep 2002, 21:53

True story
KLM 747 right downwind given sequence "KLMXX you are no.2 to Shorts 360 at outer marker" reply "Roger commencing short 360 now" ooops

pennypitstop22

18th Sep 2002, 00:32

Hey, flowman:

Would you be the same guy I refered to in my post, above?

The same guy who did the faultless Basil Fawlty and James Mason impressions??

The same guy who used to drink with "Fox", "Claw" and "Cunningham" at the Europa, amongst other places??

If so, post a reply here, then I'll give you an e-mail address!

andrijander

18th Sep 2002, 07:52

Need some humour?

True story, i was in the ops when happened.

Atc sees a conflict of about 6 miles minimum separation (5 is the standard here) between a german carrier and a russian one. The german was on the climb and the other mantaining fl350. The atco, as there was nothing else to do decides just to monitor.Suddenly, when the a/c were goingo to be the closest (6nm) the russian a/c turns (luckily in an avoiding heading):

atc: xxx confirm you just did a right turn!!??

rus a/c: affirm...there is traffic

atc: xxx roger...for your info traffic is blablabla and we remind you sir that u are allowed to turn but u have to inform us because blalbalbla.....and by the way, did you get a tcas warning?

rus a/c: affirm

atc: was it an ta or ra?

rus a/c: It was...eh...hum...it was the yellow thing

Just no words about that. But it's true. Actually even a bit concerning, cause the same carrier in another situation did a turn when locked on heading because they thought it was only 3nm out.

flowman

18th Sep 2002, 08:03

For: pennypitstop22

No its not me, but I work with the guy you are referring to. I'll make sure our friend knows you are asking about him and perhaps we can sort out some contact info.

And he still does all that sh!t. Very entertaining, very nice chap.

Cheers,

flowman

pennypitstop22

18th Sep 2002, 10:28

Thanks, flowman, I look forward to it! Tell him it's Claw that's asking about him.

javelin

18th Sep 2002, 21:40

Penny - Hello darling !:D

pennypitstop22

19th Sep 2002, 00:04

Jav:

I've told you before, you must not call me that. I'm respectible, now! ;) :D :D

XFL

19th Sep 2002, 15:02

A couple of years ago, a A300 ST Beluga checking in :

"- Hello Bordeaux, this is Super Transporter F-AD, with you FL330.

- Super Transporter AD, bonjour, you're so lucky : this is Super Controller speaking !"

Made me really laugh back then...

switz-air-land

20th Sep 2002, 08:24

It's an older one that happened here in LSZH. SWR 101 was on normal days a B747 inbound to Zurich from JFK. ACC called the APP controller and told them that SWR 101 was coming in with only 3 engines today (in fact it was an MD-11 on this day!) The Approach Controller immediately notified the fire brigade, everything was prepared for a one engine out landing with a 747. The pilots didn't get it as the APP ATCo told them that the fire brigade was ready, and the fire brigade was pretty upset, when they saw an MD-11 on final approach ;)

P.Pilcher

20th Sep 2002, 09:01

Ladies and Gentlemen of Swanwick:

If you still haven't had enough of this wonderful humour and have a quiet period in your duties, may I suggest you get on the landline to EGBB tower. Assuming they are not busy also, you may persuade them to give you some of the gems that they have been assiduously collecting in a large volume for many years. I got a photocopy of it several years ago on one of my visits, and I do hope that it is still in operation.

Remember, EGBB was (is) the home of David (Bunny) Gunson!!!

Kindest regards, and thanks for all the wonderful control services received over the years.

P.P.;)

yyzatc

29th Sep 2002, 05:41

Not long after a couple pilots were caught drinking and flying... controller working a busy enroute sector was querried about the rides ahead by a crew of the afformentioned airline.

yyz "how are the rides at 280?"

yyz cntlr to ual 737 4o mi ahead "ualxxx how is your ride?"

ualxxx " white caps on the coffee, toronto."

yyz to original pilot of afflicted airline(with perfect deadpan delivery)

"___xxx the ride is good for mixing drinks":eek:

I am watching trainee...who is passing traffic between two heavies "...two thosand below"

pilot "hey yyz confirm traffic is 2000 below"

trainee " oh no sorry he is 2000 above"

pilot "O.K. thanks yyz, I thought I was upside down there for a moment" ;)

PK-KAR

29th Sep 2002, 09:00

Here are some rather weird ones I've heard in Jakarta...

1. CGK ATC trying to show the Europeans that we can direct traffic accordingly. (LH779 with JKT Arrivals)

"Jakarta Arrivals, Lufthansa779, passing FL345 for FL120 direct Delta Kilo India"
"Lufthansa779, Guten Tag, if you want, I can give you a 200 heading, descend at 5000 feet per minute down to 3000 on by the downwind 07L at max speed to be ahead of traffic. Do you want that sir?"
"Errr... errr.... ("Ja! let's do it" is heard in the background), OK we'll take that sir, heading 200 down to 3000 max speed and... 5000feet per minute?"
"Affirmative 779, report altitude now"
"Lufthansa779 passing 330" (16.46 local time)

I timed it...
(16.51) "Lufthansa779 contact approach on 1**.**, maintain speed until 3000 feet, we have heavy traffic behind"
"1**.** Lufthansa779"
(16.52)
"Jakarta Approach, Lufthansa779 at 3000 feet and slowing down"
"Lufthansa779, thank you for the fast descent, slow down to 220kts for traffic"

2. Why KLM causes confusion overshoots at CGK once in a while...
(KLM837 vs. Jakarta Approach)

"Jakarta approach, KLM837 passing 120 for 6000 on heading 230"
"KLM837, descend to 3000, cancel speed restriction"
"errr, KLM837 would like a self imposed 250knots below ten please. Do we have traffic behind?"
"KLM837, negative on speed, please maintain at least 280 knots, we have 5 behind you and tight"

3. How to handle poor English speaking pilots. (not meaning to be racists, we too have some very BAD pilots and ATCOs, but this one is neat!" (CGK Delivery vs. CS*** helped by CX710)

"Jakarta Delively, China Southern *** request clearance to Guangzhou"
"China Southern ***, cleared via route **** until **** and then to route **** flight level 370, what's your POB, registration and type please"
"China southern *** is Boeing 757, 1-8-6 on board, Bravo-####"
"China southern *** confirm route readback is correct please"
"China Southern *** is cleared to (and some unintelligable words)"
"China Southern ***, please readback again"
same thing happens... after 3 attempts,
"all stations this is Jakarta Clearance delivery, anyone speak Mandarin?"
Cathay710 offered help and problem was solved...

4. What we do to arrogant pilots. (CGK Ground & Tower vs. SQ161)

"Ground, Indonesia***, we've got generator failure. on txy A. Request tug please."
"Indonesia***, tug is on the way"
"Thai414, please use Bravo for 25R report passing the Indonesia 737"
"Thai414, err, we're inbetween alpha and bravo, and stuck sir"
"All station, this is Ground, All stations on northern side please STOP. Traffic jam"
"Singapore161, Ground, please standby"
"Singapore161 cannot accept ANY delay sir, we must depart immediately, can we use 25L, we don't mind the taxy."

So SQ161 was cleared to taxy all the way around the airport to the other side.
However, he had to hold short of a few incoming traffic to the southern terminal. SQ161 was not pleased.

"Singapore161, hold short of taxiway Kilo (or something) for incoming Merpati737"
"Singapore161, holding short, can we fast taxy to 25R please sir, we're running late now"
"161 standby"
"Thai414, Indonesia*** is now clear of you, proceed to 25R via alpha"

The race was on between TG414 for 25R and SQ161 for 25L... An A333 racing down alpha, and a 744 racing down delta... each is out of sight of the other.

"Singapore161 approaching holding 25L, request immediate take off."
"NEGATIVE 161, hold short of 25L"
"Thai414, thank you for your patience, behind approaching Garuda737, cancel SID, track direct PLB when airborne, line up 25R, standby for clearance"
"Singapore161, please hold short25L, we have 2 landing for 25L"
"Singapore161 is ready for rolling take off SIR!" (he's voice, already annoying the controllers, became more annoying)
"161 hold short... Mandala073 cleared to land 25L"
Then, "Mandala493, cleared to land 25L"
"Thai414, cleared for take off 25R"
"Singapore161, after Mandala493 on short finals, line up 25L"
after the Mandala493,
"SINGAPORE161 IS READY FOR TAKE OFF 25L"
"Singapore161, maintain position to maintain separation with Thai414"
"&&*^&^$#^@" from SQ161.

5. Last but not least... don't annoy controllers, they can REALLY waste your money. (Halim Tower vs. USAF171)

"Halim Tower, Air Force 171 on outer marker, missed approach ILS runway 24."
"Air Force 171, can you go back to outer marker please we have 4 coming in on 06"
"Negative for 171, we're already down on the ILS 24."
"PK-TSN, Tower, Cleared to land runway 06, ALL STATIONS be advised Airforce171 is on ILS24 for missed approach, upon go around, turn hard right to 180 at 1500 feet and await further instructions"
"PK-TSN go around as instructed, aircraft on the runway"
"PK-TSN heading 180 and climb to 1500"
"Air Force171 missing approach, and What the ! WHY IS HE SO CLOSE?"
"Air Force171 turn to 010, Climb to 5000, contact approach"
"171, we're going to do another approach sir!"
"Airforce 171, TURN TO 010, CLIMB TO 5000, CONTACT APPROACH"

"Approach, Air Force171, climbing to 5000 runway turning to 010"
"Air Force171, to keep you from chaos, track to and hold on outermarker runway 24 and climb to 6000 until traffic is cleared."
"errr, how many is coming ?"
"AirForce171, there is still 6 coming in for 06, expect hold for 45 minutes"

6. An ATCO that may need his brain replaced.

A few days ago, GA210 I think, was going Jakarta-Jogjakarta. Planned route is PW NDB(Purwakarta) -BDO VOR (Bandung) -CLP VOR (Cilacap) and then to Jogjakarta. Here it goes...

"Jakarta, Indonesia210, on climb passing 140 for flight level 240 tracking direct to Papa Whiskey, requesting direct Charlie Lima Papa"
"Indonesia210, climb to flight level 280 and track direct Charlie Lima Papa"
"Direct Cilacap and Flight Level 280 thank you, Indonesia210"
"It's Charlie Lima Papa 210. You say Cilacap again and you'll track original planned route and I will report you. Now repeat clearance please."
"errr, sorry sir. Flight Level 280 and direct Charlie.... Lima... Papa... Indonesia210"

Hope you enjoy these... they happened !
PK-KAR

canberra

29th Sep 2002, 09:50

what is david gunson doing now? im guessing hes retired , my brother in law heard his after dinner spech a couple of years ago, he thought he was excellent.

chiglet

29th Sep 2002, 23:08

"Bunny" Gunson is at a venue near"Stockport" very soon.
Time, venue and Price ASAP
:D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Mister Geezer

5th Oct 2002, 19:05

Someone touched on the Dan Air hilarious R/T moment at Aberdeen. I could not resist telling it again.

A Dan Air flight is running late into Aberdeen and he eventually changes from Scottish to Aberdeen Approach.

A/C 'Aberdeen Good day its the F*****g Dan Air 123.

An uncomfortable pause lasts for a few moments and the controller eventually responds as he would normally would. However despite the controller using the correct callsign the pilot operating the R/T still persisted in saying 'F*****g Dan Air 123'.

The flight was handed over to the tower frequency and the pilot continued to use this 'modified' callsign. The tower controller was just as surprised as their colleague was on approach but nevertheless the pilot continued to use the modified callsign right until the aircraft taxied onto stand.

When the aircraft pulled onto stand the pilot called tower and suggested that they should listen to the current ATIS.

The ATIS was recorded as normal however in the background you could hear a certain Approach controller shout out 'Where is that F******g Dan Air'. :)

A good laugh!

MG

G-MANN

6th Oct 2002, 02:26

Heard this on a company frequency;

" All our toilets are not working. Can we have permission to give the passengers comp drinks?"

Wonders will never cease!!!

chiglet

6th Oct 2002, 19:40

Bunny Gunson
Cheadle WMC £25 per ticket
SOLD OUT
Boldocks!
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

StuckMic_com

9th Oct 2002, 05:10

ATC: "The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
Pilot: "Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
ATC: "Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

:D

Barnaby the Bear

9th Oct 2002, 12:28

Take my Wife...............................No please take her!

<Rolling around on the floor>

:p

chiglet

9th Oct 2002, 17:12

Got a 3yr old Ka for the "ex" yesterday,
Bl**dy good swap if you ask me:D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

Marconi Boy

11th Oct 2002, 11:48

Trainee Controller "Dash 1, turn right heading 370"

Dash 1 "Confirm right 370?"

Trainee Controller "Er... Negative Left 370":rolleyes:

We laughed out loud for ages.:D

andrijander

12th Oct 2002, 07:09

Hello. Wanna share with ya all something that happened yesterday at maastricht freq 132.615:

Controller: UALXXX contact maastricht on 132.085
Pilot1: roger, maastricht 132.085* UALXXX
*:at this time, the other pilot starts as well the readback and you could hear "in stereo" the same correct reply....
Cont: UALXXX you are both correct
no reply
A couple of transmissions later UALXXX comes back and says: maas, can you confirm the freq was 134865??, we got no reply there...

I know for this guys it can be pretty hard when they have been flying for 13 hours...but they had just departed!!I remember you have coffe on board, use it!!

ferris

12th Oct 2002, 11:06

Uzbhek123 calling from procedural airspace for radar ident prior to handover and descent.

UZB123, inbound.

Area: UZB123, squawk ident on 1234.

UZB123 squawking ident 1234, IL18, FL310, 67NM to *****, and we have admirals onboard, request descend now.

UZB123, identified, and say again last.

UZB123 request descent, we have admirals, admirals on board.

Panic now ensues as all the possibilities start racing thru the head- these guys are supposed to have diplomatic clearance, are they defecting, are they being chased, or are they just VIP status ?? etc etc.

then after a few minutes; UZB123 we have admirals, you know, livestock, on board.

Alvin

16th Oct 2002, 09:20

Heard a good one during training. 'Helicopter XXX cleared hover taxi to dispersal and caution pedestrians', Readback ' Cleared hover taxi to dispersal and Roger the Pedestrians'

Select Zone Five

16th Oct 2002, 10:06

About a month ago I heard a private aircraft request transit though the overhead of a local airfield. It was granted by the female ATCO with an instruction to report overhead.

When the ATCO requested the a/c position a few minutes later, I was rather bemused to hear the male GA pilot reporting overhead as follows.

"I'm coming across you now"...with no callsigns and less than standard RT phraseology, I wasn't sure if this was my dirty mind or the pilot having a giggle...:rolleyes:

chiglet

16th Oct 2002, 19:05

One from t'other day
Gxxxx O/H John Lennon [Squeek] a/f
Gxxxx, Manc Apc, "Can I take some photies of J L Intl please?"
Manch Apc, "Gxx, have you got a camera?"
Gxx, "Yes"
Manch Apc, "Well carry on then"
:D :D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

StuckMic_com

18th Oct 2002, 03:18

Pilot: "How far behind traffic are we?"
ATC: "Three miles."
Pilot: "That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
ATC: "You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you ... that's three miles."

:p

peter1m

18th Oct 2002, 07:10

Tower: "Report passing 2000"
A/C "Passed 2000 some time ago"
Tower "We have had our weetabix today haven't we"

Well, it lightened the day for a while...

radar707

20th Oct 2002, 22:38

One from EGPF the other day. controller dealing with 7600 just transferred to discreet frequency, using speechless code:

"G-XX Glasgow, are you on this, once for yes, twice for no"

Much laughing and falling off chairs all around

Mister Geezer

21st Oct 2002, 03:15

A few years ago a BA 757 is taxying out at ABZ to head off to LHR. Male Capt and a Female F/O who was doing the R/T.

ATC: Speedbird XXX, your clearance?

BA 757: Standby (The transmission was rather garbled, since the F/O was eating some peanuts!)

Then after a short pause the F/O asks for the clearance.

BA 757: Speedbird XXX, go ahead with the clearance.... Sorry about that I had the Captain's Nuts in my mouth! :D

Flash0710

22nd Oct 2002, 17:59

Select zone,

Was it EGKB.....?

I always enjoy winding up a vertain " F" ATCO there..........!

Edited coz it said FATCO....... OOOOOOOPPPPSSSS...!:D :D :D :eek:

Piper Warrior Pilot

27th Oct 2002, 14:14

BA Pilot - Speedbird XXX long finals

ATC - Roger Speedbird XXX, i had you in at number 1 but now you're number two to the fokker 100

BA Pilot - OOO you big bully

NavCant

29th Oct 2002, 03:03

Just last week:

"Cessna 172 calling, say again your callsign and type of aircraft."

Piper Warrior Pilot

29th Oct 2002, 07:06

At the weekend:-

Aircraft - XXX Tower G-XXXX on the 26th october 2002 at 2:20pm radio check and taxi instructions.

Surely there is no need for a calender check as well

Select Zone Five

29th Oct 2002, 07:45

:D Flash0710, indeed it was EGKB! Nice one, it did make me laugh...zero reaction from the tower, very professional :D

Fortyodd

8th Nov 2002, 09:39

A few years ago, a colleague of mine was teaching Gazelle to Army Student pilots at Middle Wallop. On one of the night navigation sorties, the route would take them out along the South coast and away from the more well known ATC lands. Here the students would be introduced to the services that could be offered by London Information. Earlier in the sortie the student had discovered that his PTT switch had a tendency to stick in and it was fast approaching the annoying stage. His opening call went as follows:
"London Information, Good evening, Army Air XXX, (then, discovering his switch had stuck again) "Aw you C**t!"
The totally unflustered reply came back "Army Air XXX, Good evening to you - you B@stard!"

fly bhoy

8th Nov 2002, 10:07

Dunno details or whether its true or not but this made me laugh!!

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!"

and another:-

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. You make one more landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." :) :) :D

FB

Flash0710

8th Nov 2002, 15:50

A Classic from a BA ex jet jock on ATR's renowned for "excessive" Taxi speed.

Taxing out

Gatwick Ground... " Flyer XXXX er you are taxing too fast

Capt " We're the boys!

My hero..

StuckMic_com

8th Nov 2002, 16:04

Cockpit: "The first officer says he's got the runway in sight."
ATC: "Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27Right ... you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."

:p

andrijander

10th Nov 2002, 12:30

Heard yesterday afternoon...and still laughing!!

---Atc : PGTxxx (inb EHAM) descend fl 260 to cross N**** fl 280 or below

---Freq blocked by two stations

---Atc : that was blocked...Pgtxxx can you confirm descending fl 260 to cross N**** fl 280 or below?

---Pgtxxx : (the pilot suonded pretty busy)that's...er...that's conffirmative!

we missed the next two calls...just laughing too loud

Airbus Unplugged

12th Nov 2002, 08:36

Situation: Military base near Wittering, small white exec jet taxying for take off. Air Officer Commanding at the controls.

Tower: ASCOT 1234, from the supervisor, you're taxying too fast

ASCOT: From the AOC, I'll taxy as fast as I bloody well like

contact_tower

13th Nov 2002, 11:07

Happened to me some weeks ago...

F-16 fighter crossing my (Bardufoss/ENDU) CTR (class D) and i give traffic information about a P-28.......

TWR: "Leo 23, traffic one Piper Archer overhead Solbergfjord 3.000 ft"

F-16: "Leo 23- WILCO!"

Wondered a bit about his intentions........

:cool:

Select Zone Five

13th Nov 2002, 11:32

I heard this today...:D

Aircraft: Callsign 123 for pushback please

London Control: I'd love to give you that but this is the London TMA and you're on the ground...

flowman

14th Nov 2002, 08:31

Rather snooty capt: "Good morning tower BirdseedXXX requesting the information"

TWR: "Good morning BirdseedXXX, surface wind light and variable, Runway in use is 23, temperature +15, dew point +5, QNH 1016.

Rather snooty capt: "Can you be a bit more specific about the wind tower?"

TWR: "Certainly, 270 to 090, 1 knot gusting 2"!

flowman:D

LowNSlow

14th Nov 2002, 14:30

A few years ago I was trundling along from Swansea to Popham

Cardiff Tower - G-xxxx pass your message

Moi - CDF Tower G-xxxx Piper Cub enroute Swansea to Popham at 2,000 ft on QNH 999 Currently North abeam you, transiting to the East of your zone.

Cardiff Tower - G-xxxx, F-27 traffic leaving Cardiff ahead of you climbing to FL 20 or whatever level. Can you route behind?

Moi - I'm in a Cub Cardiff...........

Little One

16th Nov 2002, 22:19

At JNB this week at NTW B722 to DBN on GMC freq was told that his FPL was filed incorrectly as a B732 and asked to check with his ops if they had refiled
reply "Ground we can go down on 2 engines then if that will speed things up"

StuckMic_com

17th Nov 2002, 10:01

ATC: "American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

:D

Finishing the ATPL

17th Nov 2002, 11:12

Heard over the airwaves in Med region, just after a light a/c landed on a very busy day.....

'XXXXXX make a 360 and backtrack, expedite' :confused:

Check 6

17th Nov 2002, 13:00

I overheard this conversation one late night while over the Med west of Crete:

Athinai Control: Airline XXX you are cleared direct to ABC point.

Airline XXX: standby please

Athinai Control: Don't you have a map?

:D :D :D

twieke

17th Nov 2002, 13:44

Hope it's not on the previous pages yet.

Over Germany:

Aircraft: " Rhein goodmorning, abc123, out of 190 for 230, looking for 270."

Rhein ctl:" goodmorning abc123, It should be some"v"ere between 26 and 280."

SLT

18th Nov 2002, 16:14

Cruising round the WILLO hold one fine afternoon not so long ago, a UK charter 737 checks in:

ABC123 - "Afternoon *** this is ABC123 descending FL110 to HOLLY."
ATC - "ABC123 roger, route HOLLY, WILLO to hold."
ABC123 - "Roger, Hollow Willy to hold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

How we laughed!!!!!!!
:p

Flash0710

19th Nov 2002, 10:15

Non ATC but Kinda Funny....

Same pilot as mentioned earlier ( Fast Taxi )

Pilot again taxiing like a demon to the hold for departure in an ATR

For some reason has to stop suddenly. Enter stewardess who was doing the demonstration against the cockpit door.

Now spreadeagle on the centre console Pilot looks down cooly asks " Suppose a blow job is out of the question ..? " And then continues to taxi.....

:D :D :D :D :D

BN2A

21st Nov 2002, 15:10

Cruising eastbound through Maastricht towards Germany:-

Maastricht Controller - "Route ABC - DEF - GHI due to military activity. Don't worry, they're not at war, they're only practising.."

:eek: :D :eek:

cloudybeer

26th Nov 2002, 21:04

A/field somewhere in Lincolnshire:

"Heli C/s you're clear to land on the testicles...

"I mean spectacles..."

Ballsy move!!
:D

Stop Stop Stop

1st Dec 2002, 17:53

Heard yesterday on Manchester Arrival ATIS at about 1030z

"This is Manchester Arrival information Delta.....

and then in the background someone loudly shouts:

"F*CK OFF"

The guy reading the ATIS just carries on....very professional!

Anyone else hear it?

zed3

7th Dec 2002, 08:46

Fam-flying in the jumpseat of a Swissair Airbus 310 a few years ago , enroute Geneva to Manchester and over Paris approaching the Channel . There was a lot of babble in French on the frequency and after a couple of minutes of this I heard "Speak English you lot" !!!

Night Rider

7th Dec 2002, 13:14

Hi all,

ATC tx to a fighter jet displaying at an airshow:

"fastjet XXX, be advised, there's smoke coming from the back of your aircra .... ah, disregard, I see you've already ejected"

Charley B

7th Dec 2002, 18:05

Heard a few months ago late evening --scheduled airline heading for LGW just passing BARLU
Good evening again ladies and gentlemen, we are just beginning our descent into London Gatwick where the weather is good a lovely clear evening 10degCelcius and we are landing into Gatwick from the east--SUDDEN SILENCE
ATC---THAT WAS LOVELY GB**** NOW GO AND TELL IT TO YOUR PASSENGERS!!!!

EyesToTheSkies

7th Dec 2002, 20:58

Heard several years ago on the ATIS:

"Manchester Information No Bananas, Time xxxx, Runway in use....."

Never heard an explanation.

StuckMic_com

7th Dec 2002, 22:38

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers..."

:D

javelin

8th Dec 2002, 10:16

Track V two nights ago - another American asking for a ride report asked if anyone had any nibbles yet.......... Sorry, couldn't resist saying that we had peanuts and pretzels if that was OK.

chiglet

8th Dec 2002, 17:00

CharleyB
Similar vein...
Qantas B747 taxies at Manch...Ladies and Gentlemen,etc,etc. When "advised" of his faux pas, he replied "B*gger, that's the FIRST time in 27 years of flying":D
we aim to please, it keeps the cleaners happy

atb1943

11th Dec 2002, 06:04

Many moons ago from a friend at LATCC having trouble with a transitting IL-18:

LATCC: Socialist 007: Do you have transponder on board?

007: Negative, only agricultural equipment..............!

atb1943

11th Dec 2002, 07:15

...........sorry for mine on the xponder - notice that line up and go wrote it way back in August. That's what comes of starting to read from the back - must have summat to do with Flight magazine. My source is at Shoreham now, and was also at Gut when there were Vamps and Venoms there.

I was out in Amman last year with a bunch of GA aircraft (14 in all), from Piper twins to a Cessna 170 (very important because it was flown by the group's engineer, a diminutive Frenchman who always wears two pairs of glasses). After various arguments with Markas' ATC, via the ground handler, about who departs last (they wanted the C170 last because he was the smallest, thus the slowest....logic) we won, because we were with the organisers and had to do the official farewells, etc.
Terrific wind, meaning that the C170 had to be held on to whilst taxying which I elected to do with my pilot mate. I held on to the wingstrut, while matey had a piece of cord attached to the tailwheel. Off we run, engineer in a hurry, matey drops the string, I'm flying from the strut, trying to get him to slow down a bit (what's that in frog?) until we get to the intersection. Handler converses with ATC who enquire if I intend being dragged onto the active runway. Explain the necessity otherwise....etc. More exchanges with ATC, who then demand that Fox Charly Echo backtracks (Christopher - he already wanted to take off from the taxiway!!). So I put me foot down and scream, so there can be no mistake: 'I'm not runnin' all that f***ing way!'

We won the day, and took Aqaba...

C U JIMMY

11th Dec 2002, 18:14

Overheard on a certain Central Sector at LACC

"Baby xxx contact Brest control channel 132.830"

"Baby to Brest"!!!

Shame there wasn't a SAY callsign following, or we could have had some suckling too!!!

atb1943

12th Dec 2002, 00:21

.......gotta tell ya about Aqaba.....
We're tootling along in our Twin Com enroute Amman - Aqaba, it was already late because of the separation Amman demanded in between each of 14 departures, plus the farting around with Charlie Echo. So it's getting dusky, and we see from the Jepps that there is some interesting terrain in the way, directly prior to letdown. MSA something like FL65. We get a letdown to FL20, which my mate doesn't relish for some reason, so I tell Aqaba that we prefer to remain at safety level. Accepted. That means, hwvr, that we have a sort of kamikaze dive after passing said hills to get into Aqaba. In the dwindling light. At some point something tells me that Aqaba can speak super French, we were listening to others we had caught up with being talked down, but the fat controller was suddenly talking frog! Well, the first arrival was an aircraft flown by an Orly ATCO, who realised that some of the 14, mostly French, might need assistance. So upon arrival he sprinted up to the tower, grabbed the mike, and took over. Gawd knows what might have happened had he not done so. I recall the feeling of relief at seeing the curvature of the coastline and the glisten of the sea that marked the end of that epic journey. I wonder what Eilat was making of all of this!
Sean Connery had beaten us to it in 'his' BBJ.

Come time to depart, the proud airport manager tells us we are the first to use his smart new apron. Bit of tarmac surrounds this white expanse. One French pilot who always had to be the first taxies forward and turns on this lovely bit of tarmac. Whoomp! Stbd u/c falls in hole that Manager wanted to fill with lighting. Mooney is hauled out, bent straight, and frog plus wife depart without doing a cautionary circuit, to the north, turning left instead of right (obviously didn't want to climb until terrain reached on the right). Israel had a field day that day!

Another Frenchman who's English was....er....er taxied to the intersection, and was instructed to backtrack, so he did a wild 180 and returned to the apron where he turned right onto a gravel path along the fence, parallel to the runway. He disappeared over the horizon with a bemused airport manager in pursuit in his Landrover. Obviously found a way onto the rwy, as we heard the growl of a Cessna 337 departing. At least he did things right after that, except.......

....we all cleared outbound at Hurghada and were enroute to Rhodes. Said concrete mixer-driver was asked for an estimate for point X, somewhere near Cyprus. ....er....er...(it took him 5 minutes to give his callsign - familiar?)....er....so-and-so. What? calls the control authority, I forget which, you will reach point X in 20 minutes? Do you mean perhaps at so-and so - hours later? At which monsieur replies...er...er...affirm. Not a CLUE! But two hours would have been about right.

Rhodes was fine, except we didn't get a green ( a Twin Com has one green light, not three, for the undercarriage). So our landing was made with trepidation. Apparently, when you have certain lights on in a TC, the green u/c light won't perform.

I continued in a German C337 whose pilot offered to drop me off in Egelsbach and that, as they say, is another story.

Hope I haven't bored you.
g'night

eyeinthesky

12th Dec 2002, 09:33

Still waiting for the chance to have the following exchange:

"Baby xxx descend FL 270 to be level by xxx"

"Is that descend now or at pilot's discretion?"

"You can go down any time you like, Baby!"

(Preferably the pilot should be female!):D

StuckMic_com

12th Dec 2002, 14:30

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

:D
--------------------------------------------
StuckMic.com (http://www.stuckmic.com) - Aviation and Air Traffic Control discussion and chat

Binoculars

21st Dec 2002, 11:53

1. Twr to Shorts 360 on downwind: You're number three to land, you're following an Islander on three mile final.

SH36: Is that him abeam me now?

TWR: Well, is it an Islander?

SH36: Just looks like an aeroplane to me...

TWR: Well, he's one up on you then........

2. A story from the old Brisbane airport in the early 80's. Aircraft taxying to terminal after landing 04 used to pass quite close to the tower. One old time pilot whose voice we all knew used to flip us the finger as he said gday on his way past (I think it might have actually been two fingers in those days). Of course we all knew the routine and gave a mass showing of fingers thrusting skyward.

It was only later we found that he would have just made a PA announcement... "If those passengers on the left hand side of the aircraft look out the window now, they'll see the friendly boys in the tower hard at work....."

3. A semi-legend (CC) at Coolangatta to B727 filling the window while aircraft on runway stuffs around:

TWR: TBJ you're gonna have to waffle around on final

TBJ: That's unacceptable, tower

TWR: Roger, standby for go round instructions.

TBJ: OK, we'll waffle........

4. And another one etched into the pages of history from when Coolangatta was procedural: No names, no pack drill, but his daughter is an Olympic gold medal swimmer :)

TWR: (absolutely stuck for a procedural separation standard in a busy sequence): THI, can you imagine a line between Southport and Canungra?

THI: Affirmative, Tower.

TWR: Roger, remain north of that line!

5. And one copied from Jandakot's home page:

TWR: CDE, is this a touch and go or a full stop?

CDE: A full stop, Tower.

TWR: Roger, go round!

Lost Plot

22nd Dec 2002, 17:42

Radar controller in a sticky situation: two a/c, parallel vectored but on the wrong sides. No chance of a vertical solution or a 'make a 360' solution due to traffic behind.

ATC: a/c 1, do you see the a/c on your right?
a/c1: Affirm
ATC: a/c 2, do you see the a/c on your left?
a/c2: Affirm
ATC: you guys able to maintain VFR for the next 1 min?
a/c1: Affirm
a/c2: Affirm
ATC: OK, now swap!

The amazing thing was that they actually did!

Visual Approach

31st Dec 2002, 21:33

The other day at Hamilton, New Zealand (NZHN 122.9MHz) there was a female trainee controller on the frequency (every now and then you could hear her OJTI (instructor) talking in the background).

The controller had a C206 transitting the Control Zone to the south (ZK-EJE) and a 152 (ZK-EJZ - similar callsign) taxiing on the ground. Needing to check the position of the C206 (ZK-EJE) before clearing a southbound Saab 340 for takeoff the following was heard:

Trainee ATCO: "Echo Juliet Zulu, report level and position"
ZK-EJZ (a particularly quick thinking instructor): "172feet (aerodrome elevation) at Holding Point Charlie"
Trainee ATCO: "Ahhhhhh.....Roger?!?" [sounds of raucous laughter from the instructor in the background]

FOr the next few minutes everytime the trainee spoke you could hear the instructor wetting himself in the background.

UFO Bloke

3rd Jan 2003, 18:21

In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt
(his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles
high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft,
as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us,
they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for
a readout of its ground speed."

"90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.

"120 knots," Center answered.

"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day.. as almost
instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted,

"Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout."

"There was a slight pause, then the response,

"525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this
was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my
backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become
a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a
longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."

"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"

~~~~~~~~~~

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How
exactly do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to
it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...

UFO Bloke