ATC Humour (Merged)

[5150]

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/91855/air_traffic_controllers/

[Manchester ATC]

Found this link today.
http://www.abum.com/show/14377/air_traffic_controller_fun.html

Does this go on ?

[No Further Requirements]

Only on Sundays......

[funfly]

It's how I always envisaged ATC anyway:rolleyes:

[X ONE]

When calling for departure for a VFR flight from a well known southern airfield in England i made the following call :\

ME- G-**** requesting taxi clearence for a VFR flight along the coast :\

TOWER- And would that be along the coast to the east of us or to the west of us sir?

DOH!!!!

[buzzc152]

Survey aircraft working Thames radar for 4th day running :

'G-XXXX requesting limited radar information service'
Thames radar : 'G-XXXX, why only a limited radar information service ?'
G-XXXX 'we may as well ask for what we're going to get'
Thames radar 'we may just surprise you today'
G-XXXX 'Go on then !! '
Thames radar 'G-XXXX you are identified......... limited radar information due radar performance'
G-XXXX 'I knew it............'

[Bandbox4Training]

Heard a while back;

XXX: "XXX, For your information the wind up here is 270 @ 105 kts"


AAA ctrl: "XXX Roger, For yours the wind in this ops room is Calm"

[AerBabe]

On the subject of wind:

G-XXXX: Have you got the wind?

XXXX Radio: Negative. It's my colleague, who's eating a baked potato and beans.

[RiskyRossco]

I don't recall seeing this yet so apologies if you know it already.

Student pilot: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back, man!"

[VH-GRUMPY]

Is it indicative of the lack of humour of the ATC fraternity that mosts of these post are by pilots and not ATC and that they only increase by 1 a week?
:p

[PPRuNe Radar]

Nah, it's just that we've heard them all before ;)

[Lon More]

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/Badyin/speedcontrol.gif

[DX Wombat]

Nah, it's just that we've heard them all before ;)
Either that or they are too embarrassed to admit to making any. :E

[jokova]

There was a man in a Moth staged through Darwin in the early thirties. He'd named his plane 'The Five Winds'. When asked by the local newspaper reporter how so, he said in his very British accent:
"Well old chap, you'd be au faitwith the well known four winds, I expect, and in mycase there's also the wind up."

[RiskyRossco]

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."

[banzaii]

A real one from somewhere in Europe :

ATC : XXX Air Force, contact YYY
XXX AF : ...
ATC : XXX Air Force, contact YYY
XXX AF : ...
ATC : XXX Air Force do you read ?
XXX AF : sure, why ?
ATC : we tried to call you several times...
XXX AF : oh, you know, we are not always in the cockpit...

:)

[wotsyors]

Heard personally this week " **** you are cleared take off,wind calm.Gusting 15kts, er if you know what l mean"
:)

[Flash0710]

This week at N Weald.....

Me on me way back to af late evening really nice 10 miles out nothing heard on freq for a good 10 mins.

Get Airfield details from Weald and reply to " no reported traffic, "

"Great the sky is mine" loving the exclusive pleasure of a great flight like this only to hear.....

...." Oh no it's not " and subsequent details passed....

"Stole his thunder there Sir. " came the usually cool reply from NW a/g.



He did but i found him and beat him to the field giving him a wave and a roll.

Must have been the sun......:}

He did not wave back tho so either he did not see me or he is not as much of a funny guy as his initial transmission suggests......:)



luv

f

[AerBabe]

the usually cool reply from NW a/g.

You've got to be kidding? :confused: :D

[lesser weevil]

I've only made one embarrassing mess up on the radio :-) - well I never said i made only one mess up, just only one EMBARRASSING one. It was talking to the military, asking for clearance, on my QXC...
Military: What's your max altitude
Me (thinking, crazily enough, that they meant my ceiling!): 10,000 feet
Military (through laughter): Well you won't be going up THERE!

On another instructional flight we were taxiing onto the runway after a citation had landed - and after it, between us and the citation, a C152 had taken off.
ATC (to us): caution wake turbulence
Neh, it's the first time I ever heard of wake turbulence from a C152...
Citation pilot: Are you calling me FAT?

And more recently, when taking off...
King Air pilot: ...inbound to the field
ATC: ...join right downwind for 25... traffic is XXX rolling on 25
pilot: ...joining right downwind for 25, traffic copied, will try not to hit him!!!

[xetroV]

So this (http://209.0.146.17/10/graphics/movies/movies_air_traffic_controllers.wmv) is how things are done in Scotland. :p

[Lon More]

Be careful xetroV, the PC police from Swanwick will be paying you a visit

[Computer says NO!]

XetroV,

"Youve taken that too far"!!! :} :}

Nice one!! :D

[SIC]

Overheard at JHB Intl

Russian IL76 pilot taking a while to wind the old smoking engines of his huge plane up to take off power, while tower clears a springbok (SAA) 737 to line up behind.

Springbok : " Clear to line up behind old smoky"

Russian - as he slowly levitates his big machine off the runway trailing smoke :" Wone day wen you arr beeg you can smoke too..."



Tower : " abc turn base behind the Cherokee ahead of you ..:

Proud pilot in aircraft ahead: " Hey I'm not a cherokee I am a Seneca "

Tower : " Roger turn base behind the twin cherokee..:

[dublinpilot]

Heard yesterday on Dublin ATIS:

Here is Dublin ATIS information Victor recorded at ..............bla bla bla
.............advise on initial contact that you have listened to information Victor. Operational information for pilots. Munster have won the Heineken Cup by four points.

[tori chelli]

gave traffic on a Siai Marchetti 205 joining the circuit in front of another a/c & the pilot of the second A/c asked what's that?
I replied...an Italian cherokee
the SM pilot complained and quoted a number of advanced features that set his aircraft apart
To cut to the chase I asked:-
is it single engine...yes
is it low wing...yes
is it 4 seat...yes
...it's an italian cherokee!!:) :) :)

[jjj2]

A while back there was some runway maintanence in progress that involved use of explosives...

Female ATC Ground: Speedbird x, hold short of runway y, I have a blowjob on the runway.
Speedbird: Uhh, ok ma'am, advise when finished...

[Vlad the Emailer]

Seeing the PATCO thread reminded me of a story told to me by one of the ex-PATCO guys in Abu Dhabi way back when (and if it's not true, it should be!)


Aurora Centre : Speedbird 123, turn left thirty degrees for noise abatement.

Speedbird 23 : Aurora, confirm this is for noise abatement? We are at FL390!

Aurora Centre : Speedbird 123, have you heard the noise two Jumbos make when they hit each
other?

[OwnNav]

Working RAF Waddington RAS one day, just north of Waddington (UK):

Female ATCO: "G xxxx, have a slow moving contact 12 o clock 3 miles no height, may be a flock of birds"

Me: "Copied, looking, are they squawking ?"

ATCO: "Standby, I'll go outside and listen "

:ok:

[ATCO17]

Usual crewroom banter at LATCC a couple of years ago. One of the lads had just had his annual medical and was explaining about how the Doc had instructed him to drop his keks and bend over. Young Irish lass was due for her medical the next day and listened with horror. "Well", she said, "If he asks me to drop mine and bend over, I'm gonna tell him to ram it!". Fits of laughter from the lads - confused and bewildered look from the lass. :confused:

[MercutioATC]

Should I post this or not.... Some on here may recognise me and this will make there day!!
Early on in my career in the Deadloss Nimrod Simulator, me playing the "duty air traffic bod"
Aircraft is at high level (for a Nimrod) and calls me....
"S1M requesting clearance for Fanos"
I acknowleged his request, grabbed the high level en route chart and proceeded to look for "Fanos". Could I find it... could i heck.
Looked in the sim navaid database.. nothing.
Nevermind I thought time to call the Pilot instructor....
"Jock where the f*ck is FANOS?"
He creased up, tears rolling down his cheeks the lot. Then he pressed "pause" on the sim..... "sorry crew he says he cant find FANOS on the map" and they all cracked up to.
"Come on Jock where is it" I pleaded, my embarrasement by now acute.
"Its not a place you pillock" says Jock "They want clearance for "Flight Above Normal Operating Speed"
I nearly died!! :{

We had a rookie controller do something similar. A plane inbound to Latrobe, Pa had a flight plan that read ...ACO...EWC...RAVEC..LBE ("RAVEC" meaning "Radar Vectors"). She stood up, looked at the charts, and asked "Can I clear this guy to RAVEC?". The supervisor looked at her and said "No problem".

She has yet to live that one down.

[MercutioATC]

A couple of pilots from Norwegian operator Sundt Air was over in the states to collect their new King Air after a navaid calibration re-fit.
Reg on this one is LN-SUZ, and yank controllers completely oblivious to the fact that not all regs start with a "N".
("Are you sure you are LN-SUZ etc")
After a lot of depbate on the GND freq the controller gave up:
"Hell, today you are King Air-Suzie"
They flew a rather long flight calling themselfs that, no problems after that!


We yanks aren't oblivious to the fact that not all regs begin with an "N"...

.."LN" is the callsign for a general aviation LIFEGUARD flight here in the U.S. They were just being asked if they were a lifeguard flight.

[NudgingSteel]

ATC to 747 crew after landing: "Be advised you were slightly left of centreline all the way down that approach."
Slightly miffed captain: "That's correct. And my first officer was slightly to the right of centreline."

[LLL]

Hey, when I was going on my fourth Solo flight at there was some maintenance being done on the runway lights so ATC decided to advise the departing aircraft of them. I was about third in line at the holding point.

ATC: XXX (No. 1) Cleared for takeoff make left turn and be advised men with tools in hand operating at alpha 4.

XXX (No. 1): Roger, cleared for takeoff make left turn. (Some giggles were heard)

ATC: XXX (No. 2) Cleared for takeoff make left turn and caution men with tools in had at alpha four.

XXX (No. 2) Roger Tower (Laughing) Cleared for takeoff make left turn and we have the men with tools in hand visual.

ATC: *LAUGHTER

It went on and on and on and on it's soooo funny when your a student pilot used to doing everything by the book with your instructor to then reply to the town "Cautioning the men with tools in hand." I did about three circuts and every time keeping the men with tools in hand in sight

[reverserunlocked]

Heard today on MAN radar:

Flight X: 'er, confirm routing to, er, HONILEY or is it HOLLY'

ATC: 'Confirm it's H-O-N-I-L-E-Y'

Flight X: 'Ok right'

ATC: 'I don't know a Holly'

Flight X (with a wicked laugh) 'ooh I do'

[FougaMagister]

Heard on BHX ground:

FO: "Ground, British xxx, Embraer 145 Stand xx, request clearance to xxx, information Lima"

ATC: "You're getting ahead of yourself, Madam, we're only at Kilo so far"

FO: "Sorry, can't read my skipper's handwriting"

ATC: "Maybe he was a doctor in a previous life"

FO: "A doctor of what?"

:ok:

[radar707]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands . Suddenly, a brand new bright red Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a man wearing an armani suit, Ray Bans and a rolex watch, steps out and asks the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?"
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says 'Okay'. The man connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.
He studies the report and says to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd replies "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."
The man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts an animal in the boot of his Porsche.
As he is about to leave the shepherd says "If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?"
The man thinks for a moment, then agrees.
The shepherd says "You are an ATC manager,"
"Correct," responds the man, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replies "Simple, first you came without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway - Now can I have my dog back?"

[Gonzo]

A while ago on Heathrow Delivery.....

XYZ123: "Delivery, XYZ123 looking for clearance only......."

Me: "XYZ123, clearance is *********, and you have a slot time of 1230. Report ready."

XYZ123: "******** for XYZ123, and I'll let the flight crew know about the slot time when they turn up............"

Me: "........................................................okay"

[Jerricho]

Overheard yesterday here:

Flight XYZ "Winnipeg terminal, this is XYZ with you, 105 descending to 7000, request 20 degrees right due weather"

ATC "Roger, diversions right as required, report clear of the weather."

XYZ "Ok. Sure looks ugly to the east."

ATC "You chould see the guy sitting next to me!"

[Kiltie]

Reverserunlocked............

Guilty as charged!

[Barndweller]

Heard on Heathrow Special a couple of weeks ago.
Well known Bandit in a Jet Ranger is taken to task by Special Controller for Infringing Biggin Hills ATZ.
"XXX - You've just flown through the Biggin Zone without contacting them"
"Well not according to my chart i haven't - i was close but not inside - Anyway... where's the line?"
"On my Radar screen!!!"
"Oh! Sorry"
Nice one D!

[NeoDude]

If this is what goes on in the tower I'm not so sure I want a job with NATS....

http://media.putfile.com/Scottish-Air-Traffic-Controllers

:D

[Strepsils]

If this is what goes on in the tower

Totally incorrect................................. That's Prestwick:} :8 :p

[NO 7]

Aye but its Pure Dead Brilliant so it is!

Geezajoab eh.

[Maude Charlee]

On the landline my foot!!!! You've all been rumbled! ;)

[a_berusko]

i trainned in the states at an academy that had the pleasure of flying with air china students that also shared are our training facilities,
while on first solo cross country one of the chinese students when returning home from a nerve racking flight.......

p; tower cessna 123, 10 miles north, fule stop

t; roger cessna 123, do you have whisky (atis information)

p: um.... no ...we have no alcohol aboard,

got to love it :)

[Miked]

Whilst hour building in Oz, me on final at Emerald:

Qantus (british captain awaiting departure): abc can you depart the run way before the intersection?

Me: Depends if I can get it down before the intersection

Qantus: No Pressure fella!!!!!

Apologies if I held you up but I did make the first exit after stalling and landing flat.

Edited to remove the U, I am afraid as a Brit I spell cognitively!!!

[EBBU]

Just heard this last night.....

One unsuspecting captain starts off with his 'we will be arriving shortly ...' speech, giving all the little bits of information you could possibly hope for. Unfortunatly for him, not to the cabin but to the rest of the world on 121.5....

At least he did get some support from his colleagues in the air.
The opinion of someone : 'Well, that sounds just about perfect! I think you can try and do it for real now....' :D

[Sayagainover]

Having a quiet Sunday in the tower at Manston many moons ago when I get a call from an instructor at Biggin Hill telling me he has a student doing a cross country and would like to do a few circuits and some emergency procedures. After clearing it with the Satco it is agreed and two hours later the said C152 arrives and starts bashing the circuit.

Turning crosswind after a go around the he transmits "PRACTICE MAYDAY, PRACTICE MAYDAY, PRACTICE MAYDAY - simulated engine failure."

Ten seconds later the squawk box from the Coastguard SAR opens up (they are monitoring the frequency) and a resigned voice says, "tell him we can do a practice scramble if he will pay for the fuel".

[UnderneathTheRadar]

Whilst hour building in Oz, me on final at Emerald:

Qantus (british captain awaiting departure): abc can you depart the run way before the intersection?

Me: Depends if I can get it down before the intersection

Qantus: No Pressure fella!!!!!

Apologies if I held you up but I did make the first exit after stalling and landing flat.

Edited to remove the U, I am afraid as a Brit I spell cognitively!!!

Better edit it again and get rid of the other U.

[The Jolly Roger]

Heard a certain low cost airline reply to a collegue of mine when asked to descend from FL350 to FL330 in order to facilitate an expeditious descent to the arrival airport:

ATC : "***234 to facilitate your arrival, descend now to FL330"

Capt: "Negative. Its too uneconomical for us to begin descent now to FL330"

ATC: "Roger Sir, descend uneconomically then to FL330"

Class.....

[psy clops]

En route to Ghedi in my pointy RAFAIR callsign aircraft. First contact with Italian ATC:

“Garda Radar g’day, Rafair xxx etc etc”

“Rafair xxx ‘ello you wanna tha Ghedi wetha?”

“Please”

“Okay, jusa minit”

“uuuh”

“Akchuli, I don hava tha Ghedi wetha, but donworri ees alwas good”

[eyeinthesky]

A couple of days ago in Guernsey:

A/C: "Tower, can we park on Stand 15, we've got a quick turnround?"

(Female) ATCO: "I've got a big fella in at ten past so I'm afraid not"

A/C: "Never mind. [Pause] I see I don't qualify for the description of 'big fella!"

[Alpha-Mike]

[quote=Ray Darr]ABC123: "Maastricht, G'evenink. ABC123 FL330 to GMH (Germinghausen)."

Maastricht: (With an obvious "Hmmmm...." tone) "I show you routing (via) Nomka??"

ABC123: "Yessir, last 'sektor' gave us GMH."

Maastricht: "OK, would you accept direct Nomka?"

ABC123: "Yes we would"

Maastricht: "You sound very agreeable. Would you accept direct Oslo?"

ABC123: "....ahh.... yes....? (half baffled crewman)"

Maastricht: "I thought so. You are cleared direct Nomka." (Laughter in the background at Maastricht CTR).

(Quick location lesson: GMH and Nomka were appropriate(-ish) for that flight. Oslo was, ahh, just a teensy bit north of track, shall we say!!)

- - -

Whoever you are in Maastricht CTR, you made our LONG night HILARIOUS!!


:D :p :D :p :D



I just joined Pprune, and immediately noticed someone heard me laughing in the background... one of those guys pissing in his pants that day was me... this is what I call a kickstart....

[sandycap]

Hi, Alpha-Mike,
I have heard this Maastricht controller ( by the name of Kees Scholts) is going to be retired on 1 september next.
One of the last "chuckaluck" ( with Danair) controllers in Maastricht.
The "kueschen" (little kiss) to the German female pilots will probably disappear. It will not be the same anymore; :{
but the "dag meneer van de KLM....." (and most of the time the reply "dag meneer van maastricht" ) will be taken over by somebody else.;)

[ZH-127]

Overheard sunday whilst over Bridlington UK speaking to Humberside Radar.

ABCD: ABCD, Humberside, Piper Cadet out of sherburn, 2 POB heading 030° 2000ft request Radar Information Service.

Humberside: ABCD good afternoon RIS approved, Sqawk 4260.

ABCD: ABCD Squawk 4260, are you approach or radar?

Humberside: ABCD, humberside radar.

ABCD: Oh ok, erm, do you have the number for approach?

Humberside: ABCD, its 119.125.

ABCD: Many thanks, switching to humberside approach....

Humberside (can tell they're giggling a little): ABCD, Roger, have a good day....

(humberside approach, IS humberside radar and they're on the same frequency.. my friend and I were in fits of laughter).

A few moments later...

ABCD: Erm, good afternoon humberside approach

Humberside: ABCD good afternoon welcome back...

ABCD (you can sense the confusion in his voice): Erm, good afternoon, are you humberside approach?

Humberside: Affirm.

ABCD: ABCD, you're on the same number as radar.

Humberside: Thats Affirm, I am approach, and Radar.

ABCD: Ah, Ok. Roger, ABCD requesting......


Poor lad.. think he was a student. Still, it provided a few moments of entertainment as we routed down the coast line.

[Lon More]

SandyMike KS's R/T has never been "standard". One of the others was "Rolgordijn" iso "Royal Jordanian"
Kees's exploits and little sidelines, T shirts, stickers, etc. were legendary.Unfortunately there's not much room for the real individual these days.

Danair, the Controller's Friend, One day shortly after their demise, a Speedbird captain came on the freq. "chugalug". Me, "Roger, blah, blah blah .... standard route.". BA, "I thought chugalug was the password for direct route?" me, "Sorry sir, that password was free-ticket."

[birdonthewire]

G-ABCD what was your point of depature?

No Point at all, Sir...

[snchater]

Recently heard at Southend

Southend: G-**** are you familiar with VRP St Marys Marsh?
G-**** : Negative, we're from up North
Southend: Then report south-bank Thames
G-**** : Whats the Thames?
Southend: Its a big river that flows through London!

:)

[FlyUK]

Had to share this with you, it had the two of us on the flight deck in tears.

Yesterday at LHR a Lufty airbus was waiting in the queue to take off, but about 3 BA aircraft had been put in front of them. After the 3rd or so one, one of the Lufty pilots says.... Is there any sort of takeoff queue or are we just behind all the British Aircraft. Controller says (as a joke). Yea, your behind them all. To which the Lufty pilot comes back with.....

I spose thats what we get when we loose the war!!

Priceless. Good on them. :ok:

[chiglet]

T'other day at Manch, HLX [Hapag Lloyd, aka Excellence] came steaming round the corner of B pier [to park on stand 12...nearest the Runway]. As he turned the corner, he saw [the other] two evening HLX a/c on stands 10 and 8. Comes on the r/t and chirps....."Zere you are, you buy vun, and get vun free....ja, oh:O . He was abeam stand 10....had to go "around the block" to get on stand. Outbound, he STILL had a chuckle :ok:
watp,iktch

[WX Man]

Today, Norwich Approach freq. Lady controller doing a fab job is dealing with two PPLs, one G-CS and the other G-CS.
ATC: G-CS, be advised similar callsign on frequency
G-CS: Roger, G-CS
ATC: G-SC, did you copy?
G-SC: Affirm, G-SC
ATC: And keep a good listen out, there will be a third similar callsign on frequency in a minute.
A few minutes later-
G-BSSC: Norwich, good afternoon, G-BSSC.
ATC: G-BSSC use full callsign, two similar callsigns on frequency. Flight Information Service you have.
G-BSSC: Use full callsign, G-SC
... priceless in itself, but a bit later:
ATC: G-SC freecall enroute
G-SC: Freecall enroute, thanks for you help, G-CS
Suppose you had to hear it to appreciate it, but it was probably the highlight of our very long sortie in the Norwich area! BTW, Norwich, if you're reading this- you know who we are, and thank you! :)

[FougaMagister]

WX Man, that reminds me of the Abott and Costello sketch; "who's on first base"? :ok:

[7000]

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands . Suddenly, a brand new bright red Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a man wearing an armani suit, Ray Bans and a rolex watch, steps out and asks the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?"
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says 'Okay'. The man connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.
He studies the report and says to the shepherd, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd replies "That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock."
The man packs away his equipment, looks at the flock and puts an animal in the boot of his Porsche.
As he is about to leave the shepherd says "If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?"
The man thinks for a moment, then agrees.
The shepherd says "You are an ATC manager,"
"Correct," responds the man, "but how did you know?"
The shepherd replies "Simple, first you came without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway - Now can I have my dog back?"

Can we change the phrase "ATC manager" to "Paul Barron" and just cut straight to the point? :E

[choclit runway]

Has nothing funny happened in the world of ATC in the last week?

Can't be, simply can't be!

I see things everyday that :mad: ing kill me but they never look funny in print (must be my lack of journo' inclination).

Come on folks, lets be having it!

PS... I for one love the new NATS image!:confused:

[dscartwright]

>ATC: G-BSSC use full callsign, two similar callsigns on frequency.
>Flight Information Service you have.
>G-BSSC: Use full callsign, G-SC
Spooky - G-BSSC is a PA28 I've been known to fly on occasion, though not for a few months now (so I can plead innocence for this one). It is (or at least was, last time I looked) used by a club/school at Norwich, so it could well have been a student you were listening to.
But why is it you get two similar callsigns just when you could do without the complication? First time I ever came across it was ... on my PPL final skills test, with all the other pressures that involved! Thankfully the examiner let me off the first couple of offences of "G-NO blah blah" as I remembered to spout it in full after a while.
David C

[visibility3miles]

Someone I knew flew into the Buchanan Field Airport in Concord, California (for the first time) in a Luscombe at night.

It has four runways - two pair of intersecting parallel runways, and taxiways that can be confusing at night.


A/C to Ground control: N-xxxx is clear of the active. What do I do now?


I think they sent out a truck to guide them to the tie down area.

[Highspeed_approved]

A collegue had a sweet one this other day, after a well known british airline took the call and clearance intended for someone else, their callsigns not even remotely similar:

"caution...there are other callsigns on the frequency...." :D

[sidtheesexist]

I wonder if anyone heard this little episode on 121.5 a couple of days ago...

Was late aft and we were somewhere over the North Sea. I was PNF and monitoring guard on box2...

A Golf registered (light?) AC calls up London Centre asking for a training fix. He calls again without reply.............

About 45 secs later, London Centre comes up ( they were obviously busy at time of 1st two calls) , "G-**** London Centre"

At this point, a Guard 'Policeman' comes up with the standard put-down for those arseholes who misuse the frequency, "You're on Guard"

London Centre unsurprisingly respond with, "I know..."

Someone else (presumably referring to the 'policeman'), "Tossers"

London Centre, "Language PLEASE!"

I almost peed my pants - a comedy script writer couldn't have done a better job - the timings/intonnations of the various comments were spot on!!

[direct ortac]

Heard at Shoreham the other day...

A/C at hold:
G-XX: Err Shoreham, need to return to the terminal, I've left my map in the briefing room.

Tower: No you haven't

Long pause... I can only imagine our hero thinking.. How the hell does he know where my map is...?

Tower: It's blowing across the apron...

A/C: Roger...

Tower: Stay where you are, the fire crew will bring it out to you!

:D :D

[KiloKilo]

Today;

A non-native English speaking pilot:
A/C: "Centre" this is ABC123 climbing FL330
ATC: ABC123 you are identified continue the climb FL370
A/C: Roger continue climb FL370, any directions?
ATC: Forward.
Sorry I couldn't resist. :} :O

Later I did give a nice direct.

[Lon More]

ATC: Forward.
or, "Onward and upward"?

[andrijander]

Just had it today on the freq. We needed to know the wind at level 350. We had no-one ther but a guy at FL340...not a native english speaker:

RDR: report wind
AC:tells us their heading
RDR: report wind
AC: responds with FL
RDR: ok, what about the wind?
AC: oh...wind 93 knots
RDR: which direction?
AC: Is coming from the front...

makes me wonder if they lowered the window and stuck the hand out to check...

[ALTSEL]

heard this in Scottish airspace 2 years ago-The aircraft was a Learjet operated by the Finnish biz jet operator "Airfix" aviation.

A/C : "Airfix 106, flight level 220 towards GOW"

scottish : "Airfix 106 decend flight level 100, speed 250 knots"

A/C :Crew readback


Scottish : "ere Airfix 106 what scale are you?"

A/C :say again! airfix 106

Scottish : disregard!

[M609]

What happens at ATC christmas parties in Norway (apparently)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx4KbTGHxH4
You put your ba**s on the block with this one ENBD ACC!!! :D :D :D

[Lon More]

Also from ENBO Somebody (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKoVAdUf1HQ) doesn't have enough traffic.

[BAe 146-100]

Heard a funny one today.

A/C: ### Radio check it's gone awfully quiet
ATC: ### ask for more traffic on 1**.***
A/C: 1**.*** ### I should have kept my mouth shut!

BAe 146

[ONEWORLD_86]

Heard this one a couple of weeks ago in Scotland,

ATC: ****123 Climb and maintain FL 330 for the cruise,

A/C: Radar, ****123 were actually requesting FL 350 for the cruise,

ATC: Yes i have your request here in front of me.....

A/C: And?

ATC: Well i have ripped it up and ignored it!:E

[matsATC]

A few years back in Brussels. The ground controller was trying to make a nice sequence at the holding point. The conversation went as follows:

ATC: Midland 123, visual with the 2 Virgin Express 737's from the left?

Midland 123: Affirm

ATC: Roger, you take position in between the Virgins.

Midland 123: Ahhh... I've always dreamt of this...

[gramlin]

TWR: "Gothic 604, after the British Airways Airbus at Sierra Bravo One departing, line up two seven left."
Linn (http://linn.blogg.se): "After BA Airbus, line up two seven left, Gothic 604."
TWR: "KLM123, after the... uh... after the white one, line up two seven left..."
KLM (laughter): "After the white one, line up two seven left, KLM123!"
TWR: "Sorry about that, I don't know the type."
KLM: "Yeah, us neither."
Captain Henric: "Thanks, guys..." General laughter on freq.
A minute later
TWR: "It's a Beech 350."
KLM: "I thought I recognized it!"

[KiloKilo]

A couple of weeks ago.

As DAT and VEX merged into Brussels Airlines we were woundering wat de new callsign would be. Their new livery has a big B in dots on the tail. And DAT is now known as S-tail (big S on their tail).

Anyway I asked an S-tail pilot if I had to call him B-tail from now on forward. He liked it a continued calling himself B-tail123. His colleague still went on with S-tail as he didn't have the new livery yet. A third S-tail pilot followed all before and called in with SMARTIES456.
Must say chearful pilots.

[cedd]

A/C - (After landing, taxiing to stand) "Tower there appears to be a lump of concrete stuck up from the taxiway"

ATC - "Roger, Airside Ops will inspect, hold postition"

Few minutes pass as inspection takes place

OPS - "Tower the obstruction is now cleared, it was a dead Rabbit"

ATC - "Roger, now cleared taxi to stand"

A/C - "Roger, should that be reported as a Hare miss?"

Cracked me up, took me ages to regain my composure and request return to base!


There again, i did spot a dead bird on the taxiway once, Bird Control went to investigate and reported over the R/T "the dead bird, is a clump of grass, Great caution should be taken, the airfield appears to be covered in the stuff"

Not amused!

[KiloKilo]

In spirit of the holiday season;
A/C asking for traffic information.
ATC (without delay ;) ); It is probably Rudolph, sir.
:}

[ModernDinosaur]

Nice one, WX Man - reminds me of a similar conversation I had a few years ago with Thames Radar while I was receiving a Flight Information Service as I was routing around their zone. Flying G-FA, I had been told to report at the QE2 bridge and I was just monitoring when I heard:
G-ZZFA: Thames Radar, G-ZZFA,
Thames: G-ZZFA, Flight Information Service you have, use full callsign, similar callsign on frequency
G-ZZFA: Use full callsign, G-FA
Thames: Negative, G-ZZFA, use [B]FULL callsign
G-ZZFA: Use full callsign, G-FA
There was a pause at this point, presumably while the controller found something hard to bash his head against. As I had just reached the QE2 bridge, I called in as requested:
Me: G-BBFA, at the QE2 bridge
Thames: Thank God one of you is awake. Break break. G-ZZFA immediate 180 turn - you have entered the control zone without a clearance. Acknowledge
G-ZZFA: Was that for me or the other FA, G-FA?
Some days the controllers in Thames really do earn brownie points for their patience. :ugh:
MD.

[rubik101]

I have to admit that I have not rtead all 42 pages of this thread so this may already have been posted.
I am reliably informed that this occurred at LGW many years ago.
ATC; Monarch 123, give way to the Virgin with a tight slot on Taxiway C.

[chickenfeed]

At EGKK last night:

A/C: "Shuttle xxx Radio Check"

GRD: "Readability 5"

A/C: "We thought we might have a radio problem - we can't pick up the ATIS"

GRD: "The ATIS is unserviceable"

A/C: "Oh. How were we supposed to know that?"

GRD: "Well, we would have put it on the ATIS....."

[timelapse]

At Luton just now,

Easyjet landed in wind 32G43 and told to taxi

EJ: "Taxi Bravo 2, and, er, adrenaline is brown - apparently"

[linus]

"Delivery, ABC 522 HEAVY, request start-up."
"Well ABC 52, if you are 2 heavy why don't you unload some stuff?"

lol

[thesunnysideup]

just happened with a colleague who got a new headset:

ATC: UAE88 climb FL330
...
ATC: ok and now you should say ...
ATC: f** why can't these f** f** ever listen %&@##* ???
...
ATC: crap, could be the headset
ATC: oh noooo...
...
UAE88: UAE88, roger climbing to FL330. Seems like your microphone got stuck, Sir.

[jai6638]

Out of curiosity, does the UAE callsign have any relation to the country UAE?

[thesunnysideup]

UAE is United Arab Emirates Airlines

..

HLX, former Excellence has been re-named: Yellow Cap.

...

ATC: Yellow Cab like the taxis in New York?

HLX: *hmpf*

[jai6638]

As far as I know, there is no national United Arab Emirates airline..... Different airliens are owned by the different emirates..

[Lon More]

The Emirates story (http://www.emirates.com/AboutEmirates/TheEmiratesStory/TheEmiratesStory.asp)
Launched on 25th October 1985, Emirates is the international airline of the United Arab Emirates, based in Dubai.

[jai6638]

The Emirates story (http://www.emirates.com/AboutEmirates/TheEmiratesStory/TheEmiratesStory.asp)
Thats what I thought... I love how they represent the UAE when infact, it was fully funded and started by Dubai!

[DrKev]

My brother was so bad at geography class in school we were amazed he could find his way home.:}

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dubai

[jai6638]

My brother was so bad at geography class in school we were amazed he could find his way home.:}
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dubai

?? What's the relevance?

FYI, I was born and brought up in Dubai so I know my geography of the Middle-East pretty well..

[smortimore]

Heard by me at EGTB (Booker) Yep we have three letter ICAO too.
CFI walks in clubhouse after fliight and asks the receptionists:
"When XXXXXXX arrives can you ask him to pop in for a chat. Just interested to know where exactly the word Bol****s appears in the Radio Telephony Manual".
Was going to stay and watch the discussion, but I have never been a supporter of blood sports.

[Nimmer]

A few years ago I was working on EGKK ground. Aircraft landed with an awkward callsign. I stumbled over it on my first transmission, pilot responded, " yes sorry bit of a mouthful isn't it"

My instant reply, " funny the wife said that just last night!!!!" Stunned silence on the frequency followed by lots of stifled giggles from both me and the pilots!!!

[Lon More]

Any post by Chickenlittle:\

[Manxie_Ash]

This prooves nothing really goes on here at Ronaldsway:

Ground: Tower, just to let you know there appears to be a dead rat inbetween the apron and taxiway charlie

Tower: Have you tried the kiss of life?

[GWidgery]

TWR: G-ABCD do you have Hotel on board?

G-ACBD: No, we're staying with friends!

[Atcham Tower]

A lady rang the airport complaints desk after a practice div and low go-around by a Tornado F3 and said, "My pussy's just climbed up the wall!"

I would have been tempted to answer, "Madam, some women would be grateful for that experience!"

[the goon]

Heard at PIK while holding for departure about 5 years ago.

KLM 777 training, making some fairly wide right hand circuits on 31.

RSC177 Sea King inbound from the north at about 500ft, to land on the H to the north of the runway.

KLM calls downwind at about the same time as the Sea King. ATC tells KLM to call on final and the Sea King to report final to the H. After about 30 seconds of silence a concerned KLM calls up asking for the circuit position of the RSC as they cannot see him. ATC reply "He is downwind also but will be coming inside you".:E

[Plumaveloz]

On a not very crowded spanish airport (to be honest, one plane and one controller on the whole airspace). A local carrier plane slowly begins to taxi.

ATC: "xxx, ready to copy?
XXX: "Affirm, go ahead!"
ATC: "Okay, copy a hundred times "I will not taxi without being instructed to do so"

...

...

XXX: "Sorry Sir. We forgot you were there:* "

.

[normally right blank]

"Oscar Yankee x x x", Cessna 152, on a solo navigation, one person on board...( :hmm: )

[choclit runway]

quote:
As far as I know, there is no national United Arab Emirates airline..... Different airliens are owned by the different emirates..

Etihad is the national carrier. Emirates were prevented from calling themselves Dubai Airlines by the government to present a more united front to the world................ Apparently.

[Rickford]

Many years ago I was being checked out on the Seaford Military position at LATCC. I had under my control a formation of 8 USAF F4s which I was trying to hand to the French Military (those that have done it will understand both the complexity and uncertainity of this mission) when the French, completely unnanounced,presented me with an opposite direction same level formation of 6 USAF F111s. Having ascertained they would miss, but not by much, I geared my self up to transmit the necessary traffic information when my boss, who was examining me, switch the microphone to his side & transmitted:

"All Americans look left and wave"

Made me laugh so years later, when I was an examiner, I found myself screening a nervous young controller who had 2 Finningly ac about to pass close to each other at the same level. Before he could transmit traffic information I nonchalantly switched the mike and transmitted:

"All Finningly ac look left and wave"

Theres was a short pause before one the ac replied "We're India Mike Charlie"

[choclit runway]

Bonnet de douche!;)

[Hiro Protagonist]

I heard this the other day on the Lake Mead CTAF...two helicopters returning to Las Vegas from the Grand Canyon...

Helicopter xxx: Helicopter yyy, I'm at your seven o'clock, one mile... it looks like you're faster than me, I'll maintain visual separation.

[jtor]

A/C: "And how many miles for us?"
ATC: "27... hmm.. to be honest, three-zero."

[speedrestriction]

Heard last week north of POL with moderate turbulence at a number of levels:

AAA123: Scottish, we're in moderate turbulence at 230, any reports from higher?

Scottish: BBB345 how's the ride at 270?

BBB345: Don't know, haven't tried it... :}


Well it made me laugh anyway!

[Data Dad]

About 20 Years ago, during a down turn in the oil industry, there were 6 or 7 drilling rigs "parked" quite close to the shore off Aberdeen. The Helicopter Companies regularly sent their crews out to these rigs for night deck-landing practice. One particular evening one of these helis was doing that for what seemed like hours and we always got them to call "letting down" and "lifting off" each time. Having done this with this particular heli umpteen times during that stint I eventually got my phrases muddled and asked him to report "Letting Off" ... :rolleyes:

DD

[Lock n' Load]

A few weeks ago in the sandpit, an Emirates flight came on frequency, an Airbus A330-200 according to the strip...

UAExxx: "Dubai, UAExxx, Airbus 345 [A340-500] passing BUBIN descending 10 thousand, speed 230"

Dubai ARR: "UAExxx, report your passing altitude and just confirm the aircraft type."

UAExxx: "Uh, yes, we're actually a 332."

Dubai ARR: "Did you count the throttles or is there a placard somewhere?"

[Jimbo_P]

"a flight school nearby teaching future a320 pilots always says:
2 pob dual
or
1 pob solo........"

Just to clarify, it's to differentiate between 2 PoB Dual and 2 PoB without an instructor. Granted, the 1 PoB solo is a bit daft!

Heard from the same training association last week:
Pilot: "Tower, can you please confirm the position of the Cessna on finals?"
Tower: "Uh.....yes."
:ugh:

[ShyTorque]

On tuesday I was passing Cranfield under a FIS. The pilot of an aircraft that just landed advised ATC that there was a pheasant standing on the runway, right on the centre line.

ATC responded by telling the aircraft on finals to go around due to an obstruction on the runway.

I was very, very tempted to ask if they had any "pheasant pluckers" at Cranfield.

But I resisted, as I wasn't sure I wouldn't get tongue tied. :p

[AlanM]

Was asked by a "local tower" to transmit the following to a departing HS125 2 days ago.......

"Message from the operator - please return asap as you have forgotten yr passengers"

Of course, the freq was busy and some sniggering was heard.

[letMfly]

Female pilot called up the other day using callsign BRT45JB but my FPS had the callsign as BRT45BJ.

"British four five julliet bravo, just confirm your callsign is julliet bravo and not bravo julliet?" I asked.

"We're definately JB",she said.

"Roger, I was expecting a BJ", I innocently replied, to much laughter on the R/T.

The penny didn't drop for a couple of minutes!

[jtor]

A/C1: "...and may we vacate runway via ZG?"
TWR: "Approved."
A/C1:"Via ZG, xxx."
A/C2: "And may we vacate via ZD, yyy?"
TWR: "Approved."
A/C2: "Thanks"
--
A/C2 passes ZD and calls tower: "...ZD, may we vacate via ZG?"
TWR: "Approved, but if you want you may backtrack and vacate via ZD..." :)

[Grummanaa5]

We have a superstore about 1 mile from the threshold -

G-XX short finals for 06 just overhead Tesco's

ATC: G-XX Cleared to land Rwy 06 wind 040/05, you couldn't pick me up a sandwich could you?

[doubledolphins]

Passing New York up on way home from Cancun a couple of nights ago.

"New York, This is Turkish 2 Heavy, climbing 270."

Ok, I didn't say any thing, no one did, but I was Sooo tempted to say something about cutting down on the kebabs etc.

[Will Hung]

Once heard about a student at my old school who, when approaching Lakenheath / Mildenhall, was asked to squawk. This completely threw him, as he'd never been shown how to even use the transponder ! He ended up telling the controller that he would like to penetrate him ! It might be one of those myths, but it made me laugh !

[Spangly]

AlanM - was that a business airfield west of OCK or somewhere near BIG? Brilliant!

One heard a few years ago:

"Unknown traffic, 1 o'clock, two miles, no height information...."

After a few seconds:

"Roger, is it a helicopter?"

...think about it....:)

[M609]

On a not very crowded spanish airport (to be honest, one plane and one controller on the whole airspace)


Simmilar setup. Norwegian regional airport, very close to the Russian border early 90s when atc was run by the CAA, and controllers worked 24hr shifts (!!!!) :suspect: due to staff shortage. Midnight, controller hoping there will be no tfc that night so he can sleep last 6 hrs. WIF DHC6 is inbound and is cleared for ils etc etc to report est. Some time after that the controller nods off (!)

Perhaps 20 min later he awakes to se DHC6 parked at the terminal.

Now our 'hero' is innovative, and when the captain on the DHC6 is checking into the hotel later on he is handed a note by the clerk.

"WIF123 you are cleared to land RWY24 and taxi to stand 1" :D

[Life's a Beech]

Grummanaa

Wouldn't be London Sarfend would it?

[EGCC4284]

This is funny

http://home.online.no/~chainly/JFKGround.mp3

[Lon More]

This is funny
Already been raised here, I hope he was just having an off-day, otherwise he's in the wrong job

[joh-k]

AC: Delivery good morning, xyz123, ready for start-up

DEL: xyz123 you are number 142 for departure, expect start-up in about 2 1/2 hours

AC: ...confirm 2 1/2 hours, xyz123...?

DEL: xyz123, affirm, that's correct!

AC: in this case cancel the good morning, xyz123.

:)

[FlyVMO]

About 6 years ago when I was working on my PPL at a class C field in Florida-
My instructor and I prepare to taxi out for some practice landings at about 0600 local.
"good morning xxx ground, yyy at R3 with information golf, request closed traffic on 7R"
(slight delay)
"NO CLOSED TRAFFIC UNTIL MORAL IMPROVES".....several very long seconds of silence followed by "good morning" and the requested clearance, and laughter on both sides...


Another time, cleared to land with the advisory "traffic on the runway is a turtle crossing right to left, advise in sight"....

[M609]

UK Navy helo inbound the field, is told to join RIGHT downwind.

He (SK4 from a Somerset airbase) then duly crosses the extended and joins LEFT downwind.

*Sigh*

After a slight b@llocking about what window the RWY should appear in when on RIGHT downwind, a unknown voice pipes up:

"...you should try starboard next time......" :D :D :D

There was a RAF C130 present as well....... :E :E

[DenhamPPL]

Busy frequency full of mainly Easyjets and a couple of Speedbirds...

(Female Pilot) Speedbird: London, Speedbird *** climbing flight level 130 heading zero nine zero

London ATC: Station calling London - are you an Easy?

(Female Pilot) Speedbird: (Indignation in voice) London are you calling me EASY?!

London ATC: I promise I would never call you that madam! Presume then you are Speedbird ***!

(Female Pilot) Speedbird: Yes - that's a relief! Speedbird ***

Well I found it funny!:)

[DAL208]

Funniest thing i heard was at college during the Emergency training. I was on the input side and my friend controlling. Traffic was a BAW*** 737 lined up on 26, and another a/c, a BRT*** 146 along taxiway S (parallel to the runway taxing opposite direction to get to holding point). He cleared the BAW for take off. Now, remember, with these emergency excercises, everyone is just waiting for something to happen. However, unfortunately the NATS simulators are prone to the odd gremlins and every now and again, an a/c instead of taking off down the runway, as you would expect, will roll out, at an angle accross the airfield.
Of course, it happened here, the BAW rolled out in a SW direction, straight into the path of the BRT a/c taxiing out. Pannicking as he thought it was part of the excersise all you could hear on RT was:

Trainee: 'OH MY GOD! err...Brittish***..eeer..'
Instructor in the background vindictively: 'do something'
Trainee: (as BAW plows along towards BRT) 'British*** eer...TRAFFIC INFORMATION...'

Now works at a London Airport :D

[Doug E Style]

Heard this exchange recently on the Heathrow Director frequency:

A/C: "Hello Heathrow, Callsign XYZ descending flight level one hundred to Lambourne, Airbus A319 with information, er, (short pause) Whiskey."
ATC: "Callsign XYZ roger, information Mike is current so your paper must be upside down."
A/C: "Sorry about that, I couldn't see where I'd written it down and I was just guessing."

[TopBunk]

Doug

Something similar, and probably done earlier ....

Pan Am inbound to Berlin/Tegel (shows my age!):

Pan Am: Berlin, Clipper 234 FL075 with info 'C'.
Berlin: Clipper 234, Present ATIS 'W', proceed inbound THF (Tempelhof VOR)
Pan Am 234: Much change?

[Doug E Style]

Another one from good old Heathrow...
Departure runway is 09R so aircraft on Compton SIDs (to the west) are being given amended departure clearances for separation from arrivals from the south.

Tower: Speedbird XYZ, departure instructions
A/C: Let me guess, straight ahead to London 2DME, then turn right heading 220 degrees, climb to 6000 feet.
Tower: Correct. You don't happen to know tonight's lottery numbers as well do you?

[jtor]

A/C: "Was it for xxx to pick up the localizer and down to 4000?"
APP: "Affirm. It's hard to remember what I said but that sounds good enough!"

[Pontius's Copilot]

Last year in the major scottish east coast airport: We are turning onto stand as the B737 (an Irish low cost airline not known for hanging about) that landed behind us vacates and checks in with Ground, ATC responds "Good morning Rxxxxxx XXX, you can hurtle in through Echo and park on Stand 3".

[Nowheels]

Today just caught the end of the conversation when we changed frequencies.
ATC : apologies I was looking at one thing and thinking of something else.
A/C : I do that with my wife.

[XratedCaptain]

Recently, at FL430 M.91, while crossing back into Canada from the Glasgow (GGW) VOR in NE Montana, we made a first call to Winnipeg Center who said: "At Edmonton's request, slow to Mach decimal 89."

We did. Shortly after, we were handed off to Edmonton Center and a pleasant lady's voice said: "Slow to Mach decimal 82."

I was on the other radio as the FO took the call and started to slow. Going out on a limb, I made a polite call back and said: "Ahhhh (humbly, and with respect) this is just an idea Ma'am... but given that we were just doing Mach .91, 510 true knots, and pushing only 20 kts of wind, could we please rethink the idea about slowing us almost 300 NM back from destination for a potential VUCAN conflict? I wonder if there something more efficient for everybody involved."

Transmission complete, I quickly realized it was a loaded and somewhat pompous question with the possibility of producing many "interesting" responses.

If we were in conflict with anybody below, even those 50 miles ahead, they were doing around M.78, pushing 70 knots of wind, and not real contenders for VUCAN. However, I also knew that I didn't have the complete traffic picture. Her potential conflict could have been another Calgary arrival from a different direction.

Furthermore, my ad hoc suggestion was made somewhat impulsively and I was a little wary of the inevitable response. I gave a suspicious look. The guy I was flying with had a startled demeanor and mumbled: "Oh man, you're in trouble."

Surely, everybody on the frequency had a different reaction when we heard a sultry:

"Citation X: After looking at you again, let her run at Mach decimal 91 and we'll see how it works out."

I asked for a slow decent so that we could increase to 530 knots true. While decending, I also needed her permission to level off in order to avoid increasing headwinds. She obliged me the whole way down and as we got closer I saw that she would have her desired separation at the fix.

As fate would have it, the conflicting traffic was from another direction and not part of my initial scenario. Nonetheless, I suavely keyed the microphone and said: "Edmonton Center: How's the speed looking?"

She responded with: "Citation X: Speed's looking good. Keep it up. Contact Calgary Arrival on 25.9. And let this be a lesson to all of you who think a woman will never compromise."

I thanked her for exemplary customer service, and quickly switched to arrival. :ooh:

[wizad]

from fellow london radar colleague and speedbird heading north, looking for a quick route for transplant organ on board:
A/C: "evening london, speedbird xxx passing xxx climbing FL xxx...... and we have a live organ on board"
ATC (quick as a flash):" speedbird xxx, roger.... whats he playing?"
made us laugh anyway.:ok:
W

[manxramptramp]

Heard in IOM. The local Shell driver had asked for permission to go to area Mike- a trip taken numerous times each day.

Fueller- "Tower Shell one , now reached area Mike"

Reply from Tower- "well done!"

[av8plume]

At the holding point at Gold Coast Airfield behind a Piper and a departing 737-800.

Said the controller: "Piper ABC, line up behind the Virgin"

:D

[Lon More]

On June 22, 1984 Virgin Atlantic operated its inaugural scheduled air service between London Gatwick and Newark Liberty

av8plume Sorry to spoil your fun but the above date is probably the first time that line was used, and to save the bother of the next one, "I wouldn't fly on Virgin, who wants to go with someone who's never been all the way?":)

[Steakpie]

Good one I heard a few month ago:

ATC. xyz123, turn left heading 150 degrees, report your heading.

ACC. left heading 150 degrees (slight pause) . . .heading 150 degrees with a chuckle

it really tickled us!

[Jerricho]

Ahhhh yes, the good old "Climb runway heading.......and report the heading"

[mad_hatter]

ATC:xyz123 report intention?
a/c(on base): i want to become a commercial pilot.

atc: xyz123 report intention?
a/c(female pilot): roger.
and she did this 4 times.
phew....

[BrianN1]

At a tower at an RAF airfield near the Miele factory in Germany many moons ago, dealing with an eclectic mix or Harrier GR3s, Pumas and the newley arrived Chinook helios and visiting fast jets on practice diversions, the trooper (then operated by Britannia and a 737, but sporting a paint job two or three versions earlier than their current one), taxying out asked Tower,

"Do you juggle balls as well?"

[WildWesterner]

A major American airline check's on and is given route including the STAR to the hold (Willo) for KK, dutifully read back.

A few transmissions pass, then...

"London, do you have time for a question?"

"Go ahead..."

"We've never been to London before, this Willo2D, do we just descend at our discretion to make the level restrictions down to seven at willo?"

Gulp... :eek:

This was under normal ops, and maybe it's not such a stupid question, but it made me chuckle, and the BA behind.

At least he asked!

WW

[5711N0205W]

Reproduced from;

http://http://www.jumbojoke.com/the_king_of_speed_844.html

True story? Dunno, but it sounds plausible. hope it's not already here......

- - -

There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.

It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.

I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back seat. There he was, with no really good view of the incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four different radios. This was good practice for him for when we began flying real missions, when a priority transmission from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult, too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during my entire flying career I had controlled my own transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however. Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.

We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed.

Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground."

Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country's space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that... and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.

Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed.

"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed."

Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.

Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios.

"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."

Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet.

And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion:

"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."

And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.

I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet.

Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke:

"Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?"

There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an everyday request:

"Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."

I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice:

"Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money."

For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the HoustonCentervoice, when L.A. came back with,

"Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."

It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short, memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's work.

We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.

[papazulu]

True story? Dunno, but it sounds plausible. hope it's not already here......

The story is true, me thinks. The same one was told me in person by the man himself at Reno Air Races in 1999 if I remember well.

Brian Shul aka as Sled Driver's author. One of the finest memories book on the legendary SR71.


PZ :ok:

[Cpt_Pugwash]

Lifted from the SPTA forum, logged on May 17 ....

RNHF's Sea Fury checked in with Boscombe to request Radar Information Service whilst carrying out General Handling in the block FL100-180.

I/C went something like...
Sea Fury:- 'Boscombe, Sea Fury'
Boscombe:- 'Roger - identified, what service do you require?'
Sea Fury:- 'would like radar information service...'
Boscombe:- 'Can you confirm aircraft type please'
Sea Fury:- 'Er - It's a Sea Fury'
Boscombe:- 'Ah, sorry, not familiar'
Unid:- 'Must be too young'

[Ian Brooks]

Just Heard on Manchester
a helicopter crossing the approach, was cleared behind the embraer 145
was heard to say that thin thing on finals?
Made me laugh
Ian

[neilmac]

GA plane joining Kemble from the NW last week,

A/C "Confirm by your threshold you have gliders"?

FISO "Last time I looked they were 747s"

A/C "Ahh Roger ..............I ll reposition for your overhead again"

Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site

NM

[BrianN1]

http://s206.photobucket.com/albums/bb151/brianandplum/?action=view&current=Weather.jpg

[hs1611]

Heard on the Airfield OPS frequency (vehicles, maintenance, etc...) at LPLA (Lajes - Azores).

There was work going on the lighting system:
- Switch it on.
10 seconds went by, then
- SWITCH IT OFF, SWITCH IT OFF
another 30 seconds
- It's OK, he's back on his feet now.
________________________________________

- TOWER, OPS 4, request to cross the RWY at TWY X-RAY
- OPS 4, TOWER, say again??? (TWY's only went to J)
- Request permission to cross the RWY at TWY X-RAY
- OPS 4, TOWER, report position
- I'm next to the TWY with an X painted on the ground.
_________________________________________

There was this guy digging a trench, I don't know what for, near the edge of the RWY. We had to get him off for traffic landing and departing. After a few calls with no answers I sent a vehicle to get him out. He finally comes on the frequency to apologize, he heard me calling him but his hands were dirty and the radio was brand new...
_________________________________________

There were cows grazing on the edge of the RWY so, once more, we sent an OPS vehicle to chase them out. Later, Airfield OPS called the TOWER to relay the shepherd’s apology but “these cows are new and don’t know the aerodrome layout yet…”


Didn’t think these funny at the time…

[Tarq57]

:D:D:D:D:D

[Widger]

"C/S squawk 7000 and freecall Farnborough....give my wife a wave out of your left window"

quick as a flash.

"But who is that climbing in your window?"

[Jump Complete]

Last year I was flying near a regional airport recieving a service from the approach frequency. The controller on is known, with some justification, as 'Grumpy' (he provides a very professional service but often come across like a jaded school teacher.)
A inbound charter aircraft called up. After the initial details were passed...
APPROACH "Charter 123, how many pax have you on board?"
CHARTER 123 "Oh, it's okay, everything is sorted with handling."
APPROACH (very irate voice) "Charter 123, that is NOT what I asked you!"
CHARTER 123 (very laid back voice) "Morning, (First name), I see you're in fine form this morning!"

[ATSA_Grunt]

A few years ago at a MAJOR london airport one of the TWR ATCOs arranged for a friend out of a small airfield nearby to do an ILS approach, and i think a touch and go on XMAS day. He coerced a friend in APP to help him out. Typically just as the Cessna was over the threshold, the BAA duty operations manager decided to "drop by" the VCR for a chat and wish us all a merry xmas. He never said anything, but did look rather strangely at the A/C on APP. Lets just say everyone did their best to distract him.

Things got worse when the pilot returned and rang all his mates, who immediately jumped in their planes and called APP for the same!! Approach were quite busy that XMAS!!

[ATSA_Grunt]

Anyone fancy a beach holiday??>>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAfQwDizpRo

[olliew]

True story which stills makes me smile: Couple of years ago I was working in Texas teaching commercial students most of which were Mexican! One particular student was very keen but struggled with the language and hence radio work at times became a bit of an issue. I had suggested to him that as a future professional pilot it might be good practice to add a polite 'good morning' or 'good afternoon' to his initial calls to ATC. Few days later having done a night flight to Austin and appropriately coffeed and refreshed we were getting ready to fly back to San Antonio and said student makes initial call remembering my 'words of wisdom'. "Austin Tower, N*****, Good Night". There followed an appopriate stunned silence then entering into the spirit of things, "N*****, Austin Tower... Sleep well"

[Ema_CTA]

The following happened few months ago in a big Italian Airport.

Approach: **** Reduce speed 230 knots.
Pilot: **** Roger, reducing speed 230 knot. But wich is this thing preciding that go so slower??:*
Approach: **** The preciding thing is a 737 the preciding thing that preceding thr thing preciding you is a Fokker 27, in head of all traffic an airport that must insert departures.:}
Pilot:rolleyes:: **** Roger.:oh::D:{:ugh:

Sorry for bad translation I hope you will understand.

Ema_ATC :O

[neilmac]

This morning at 0430L a C172 disturbed my sleepiness to ask to cross our Class D airspace, en route to Avebury Stone Circles. Forgetting what day it was I asked............why?

"Oh I just like looking at daft hippies dancing around naked"

Even funnier at Avebury he couldnt remain VMC so had to bin it, was it really worth getting up that early!

NM

[FougaMagister]

About two years ago, flying a PA28 IFR down to Exeter, ATC asked if I was in VMC at that altitude.

Me: "affirm, just passing Uppotery airfield"
EXT radar (quick as a flash): "actually, that would be Dunkeswell" :ouch:
Me (laughing): "I stand corrected" :O
EXT radar: "I know my world!" :ok:

[Cobalt]

somewhere, 40 miles from finals...

St. Mawgan App: G-xxxx, do you require vectors to the ILS?

Lazy Pilot: affirm, G-xxxx

Even lazier St. Mawgan App: G-xxxx, say and maintain present heading, report localizer established.

[airborneforever]

At YSBK,
trainee pilot on first flight:" Tower good morning... this is sunny 152 , Ready to take off ! "
tower: " G'day sir.nice knowing you, however now lets make life easier for us and tell me your callsign !:E :D

[4Foxtrot]

From the BBC regarding truck drivers:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6260516.stm

"Blokes usually get in a vehicle thinking they already know everything about driving and there's nothing I can teach them.
Looking at the dashboard, I don't know how they come to such a conclusion. It resembles an air-traffic control centre - a vast swathe of dials and lights."

I do not frequent ATC towers (but I'm sure I provide them with much amusement as I struggle around the Booker ATZ), so can anybody confirm the presence of these dials and lights? What are the dials for and do the lights flash?

[normally right blank]

Not working at an ACC - but a "Tower/Approach":
Yes, lights flash. Beepers "beep" etc....most of the time with false warnings, of course.
But fortunately we don't have the "B-movie" radar displays, that go "beep" everytime it hits a target ;) (And generally the radars rotate clockwise).
Fair question from a female visitor:
"Don't you get tired of following the sweep round and round all day?" :p
(Yes, I would)

[smith]

Heard this one in FL, made me chuckle.

Daytona approach, Cessna N1234AB 10miles north of the field, 2500' altimeter setting 29.92, VFR to Fort Pierce, request flight following

Controller "Absolutely perfect call 23AB, I am sure Daytona Approach would like to hear it as well on 123.45"

[Rickford]

I was an air traffick controller (airfields, ships, centres, development centres) and then became a commercial pilot.

In all my aviation experience the only thing I couldn't solve (not that I ever solved any thing correctly) without outside assistance was moving an articulated truck someone had carelessly abandoned on a taxiway during an air show.

Strode out macho style climbed in cab and got it started. Could I move it……No. Passer by all in awe of mighty flying machines was able to point out the intricacies of the air braking system. AND even after a university education advanced driving training et al I still put the rear wheels on the curb on my first turn (AND I’m turning left from a taxi way onto a taxi way!!)

How on earth HGVs routinely go around round abouts and stay in their lane is a mystery to me and well beyond my skill set. Flying is much easier.

[Odi]

As an HGV1 holder of 20 years, and a lorry driver in my past life, I can't see where the problems are! Just because you've got 16 forward gears which require a gear stick and two buttons to operate, or a twin splitter where there are only 4 gears but each gear is split in to thirds (low, middle and high).

Oh yes, and it's usually a constant mesh box (ie no synchromesh!) as well.

Actually, reversing an artic is easy. If you want a man's test then reverse a lorry and drag - these have a trailer with a steered front axle so there are two pivot points, not just the one. I challenge any one to reverse those around a corner into a garage on their first attempt!

Now back to the thread....

[FougaMagister]

Heard over the past two nights over a LON frequency dealing with oceanic traffic I/B from US, after extended comms requiring level changes due moderate trubulence:

US a/c (eastbound): "Errr, London, the chop is much lighter at this level".
Female ATCO (sounding fascinated ;) ): "Yyyepp!"

This morning, very much same occurence, apparently the ride at FL390 wasn't too smooth, with some flights again requesting level changes:

US a/c (eastbound again): "London, the ride is smoother at FL370, thanks a lot"
ATCO: "Oh, that's OK, sir, that's my job!" :ok:

Priceless...

[kontrolor]

overheard over frequency the other day:

xxx123 (british carrier) cleared direct to ERKIR, that's OERK'R in English

there was some laughter in the cockpit when readback was given.

[fireflybob]

Heard on France control today:-

XXX Proceed direct to Charlie Lima Mike

Pause

XXX Can you give me the lat/long for CLM?

Pause

XXX Make your heading 310 degrees!

[egnxer]

Heard on MAN Approach yesterday morning "xxx123 737 with information victor, passing FL100 for FL80 and going like a train".

Well it made me chuckle anyway.

[M609]

There was work going on the lighting system:
- Switch it on.
10 seconds went by, then
- SWITCH IT OFF, SWITCH IT OFF
another 30 seconds
- It's OK, he's back on his feet now.


I did actually see the same when working GND at a Swedish air base.
Weather was CAVOK when the engineers arranged to start work on the approach lights. ......2 hrs later the fog moved in.

My slightly geriatric coworker on TWR turns the lights to 100% for a Gripen on PAR.

Que "KILL THE LIGHTS, FOR F**** SAKE KILL THE LIGHTS" (In swedish off course) in a high pitched voice on the vehicle UHF! :\ :\

Apparently 440 volts trough the spanner is not good! (The guy made it with only minor burns, thankfully) :E :E

Much more fun over a beer in the mess, then 5 minutes after it happened!

[rallymania]

EDI Tower

tower, "red arrows runway 2 4 wind 1 5 gusting 2 5 clear take off early left turn not above 1000 feet"
red arrows "roger clear take off runway 2 4"

tower "jersey xxx after the departing light aircraft on 2 4 line up and wait"
jerseyxxx (laughing) "after the departing light aircraft lining up rwy 2 4"

[Scuzi]

A few weeks ago I was on Lambourne bashing the stack down, holding was in the region of about 15 minutes. A Speedbird driver requested 1.5 minute legs which I approved.

When the time came to chuck him to Heathrow, without thinking I said-

"SpeedbirdXXX, report the length of your legs to Heathrow Director 119.725"

It took him a while to get the readback out whilst I sat there feeling like a numpty! :}

Some cheeky fella checked in shortly after with "ABC123 descending FL150, 32 inch inside leg":ok:

[pdcta]

Heard few weeks ago:
ATC: "XXX123 descend FL200"
female voice (with really busy tone): "Two houndred, thank you, 123. But we really have to leave now??"
ATC: "As you prefere"
female: "Yes, thank you, in this case we are going to mantain a little bit more"
ATC: "Call me back leaving"
female: "As soon as I finish my tangerine, thank you"

few minutes later on next sector:

female: "Good afternoon from XXX123"
ATC: "123 good afternoon descend FL130 and if you've finished your tangerine you may proceed to ZZZ direct"
female: "Affirmative, FL130 direct ZZZ... practically seems that all the world has known the fact..."
ATC: "Eh, it could be expectable"
female: "that's ok, copied"

[Savard]

Four funny stories from Rhein Radar, Germany:

1. "Old" (I mean very experienced :ok:) military controller, to be pensioned a few months later working a civilian sector during low traffic. he decides to give a BA flight some unconventional traffic info about traffic blocking climb:

Rhein: "Speedbird 123, just for info, traffic is coming out of the sun, 4 miles out 1000ft high a Lufthansa A320."

Speedbird 123: "Roger, switching from missiles to guns!"

2. Probably works much better when actually hearing this :P
Rhein: "Turkish 123, contact München 133.755"

THY123: "Roger, contact Mission, 133.755" (at least it sounded like "misson")

A/C: "Houston Hallo, Lufthansa 152 Fl290"



3. Female trainee fighting hard during a departure rush, constantly transmitting.

Rhein: "Alitalia 123,.... ah disregard."

4 transmissons later

Rhein: "Alitalia 123,.... ah disregard."


another 6 transmissions later, again:

Rhein: "Alitalia 123,.... ah disregard."

AZA123 (male, heavy italian accent): "Ah, do you want my telephone number?"




4. This apparently happened long before I started my ATC carreer. It was the day a pope died (dunno which one.. guess it was late 70s, early 80s?). As the news spread in the ops room, one military controller tuned in the guard frequencies 243.0 and 121.5 and made the follwoing call:

"All stations, this is RheinRadar with a generall call. Use extreme caution, the pope is climbing through unrestricted!"

He got some problems after that :=

[Matrix2055]

EGCC4284
http://home.online.no/~chainly/JFKGround.mp3 (http://home.online.no/%7Echainly/JFKGround.mp3)
Now this is a good one!!!!
Does anybody has any more stuff like this?!?! It's really good.

[Doctor Cruces]

One of the funniest I heard for real was when Jason turned the landrover on it's top into a (fortunately) dry creekbed at Holbeach: -

"Tower, Rover, Rovers over, Over".

When we stopped laughing we went and rescued him.

Great bloke

Doc C

[Lon More]

Back in the olden days, before data transfers, "Radar 'andover, an Andover over Dover, over"

[bencoder]

Now this is a good one!!!!
Does anybody has any more stuff like this?!?! It's really good.

Try this forum over at LiveATC:
http://www.liveatc.net/forums/index.php?board=3.0

[hank delmonte]

a very nervous first officer was just starting his first day at a commercial airline and he was posted with a captain of almost 40 years flying, as there flight was late on arrival to Newark Intl the captain being impatient made some risky maneuvers to gain some try get back on time and touched down just as ATC cleared him for finals, later this was noticed in the gripe sheet below some ordinary stuff
"whining noise in cockpit, suggest installing a set of balls to the first officer seat!"

cheers Hank:ok:

[low n' slow]

My contributions.

Heard on the Oslo 120.375. A N-reg 777 is about to get it's oceanic clearance or similar. Can't remember its callsign, but lets call it "american"
Oslo: "American 123, confirm you are RVSM approved?"
short pause
American: "yes ma'am"
Oslo: "American 123, confirm you are bla bla bla approved?"
slightly longer pause
American: "ah, yes ma'am, we are"
Oslo: "Ok American 123, confirm you are more bla bla bla approved?"
quite a long pause.
American (apparantly fed up with looking into what they are approved for and not): "Look ma'am, were a brand spankin' new 777 straight out of the factory, we're approved for everything!"

Heard during my initial training:
In Sweden the letters are pronounced as first names, much like M is Mike and J i Juliet. This goes for the whole alphabet. The student is only slightly aware of this and hasn't learnt the system quite yet. To translate the joke, lets say the callsign is MJ.
"XXXXXX Radio, Mike Johnsson, left downwind RWY 24".
Instructor looks puzzled at the studen and asks, "why did you say Johnsson? It should be juliet".
Student replies: "Well sir, I thought Mike should have a surname!"

Also during training:
TWR: "S-KS, extend downwind".
L-KS: "extending the runway, S-KS"

/LnS

[sidtheesexist]

Matrix2055 - thanks for that - it had me in stitches - absolutely hilarious....:D.

[3rd_ear]

Strange...

http://www.constantcomedy.com/Video.aspx?id=59

[Neptune262]

May be a re-post....

But if we are giving video links for comedy attempts at ATC humour....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeI154gaWL4

[3rd_ear]

Notice how the real events are funny.. note to comedians: don't. :)

[adverse-bump]

Female ATC: XXX123 have your clearance if your ready.

XXX123: Im always ready for you!

Female ATC: (spent the next few mins trying to pass clearnace while giggling!

[PLTOFF4LIFE]

ATC: "ABC Taxi to run-up bay report ready for further taxi."

ABC: "ABC"

ATC: "ABC Require read back."

ABC: "Taxi to run up bay, read back."

- I never thought I would hear it

[somniferous]

Heard a few months back on APP.

ATC (female): xxx649 report ready for decent

xxx649: maam, we're ready to go down for you anytime.

[xetroV]

Transavia 123: "Any chance for a short approach line-up?"

Schiphol APP: "No, I'm afraid you're number 4 in traffic"

Transavia 123: "Don't be afraid!"

[linmar]

Quite "busy" day at ARN.

SPANAIR 1106: "Request taxi"
ATC: "Spanair 1106 taxi to holding point 19L and say a number between 1 and 5"
Spanair: "Taxi to holding 19L and say again please"
ATC: "Say a number between 1 and 5"
Spanair: "Ehhh.... 3?"
ATC: "You are number 3 for departure."

[jayteeto]

You had to be there, however we have just witnessed a classic.
G-BVPR R22 on finals to woodvale..... Twr clears him to land, arrives ok. Twr then tells very nervous sounding solo pilot to taxi between two hangars. He can't grasp this instruction and wanders about for a couple of minutes, then gives up and lands on the grass. Twr says 'PR you have right of way to cross taxiway ahead of Tutor and Police helicopter and go to square of concrete between hangars'. He goes for our pad. Twr, NO! go between hangars!! Eventually he taxis to correct position after 6 minutes of being moved.
Then the call........ G-PR, I only wanted a touch and go!! :ok:

[adverse-bump]

Heard on LPL tower today

ABC123: good afternoon ladies and gents welcome on board XXX to YYY, Im captain XXX, the First officer "brian" will shortly be calling the tower and asking for clearnace to push back from stand, in the mean time you'll be getting a safty brief from...went on like this for a few minutes.

once he had finished...

Tower: ABC123 is brian going to call us for clearnace to push back or not!

made me laugh. :ok:

[Sotrax]

i was doing night-vfr tcs around lowg yesterday in a c150
no other a/cs departing oder arriving till then, i was just climbing out of runway 17.
tower: OE-XXX
me: OXX, go ahead.
t: do you see the light in front of you
me: affirm
t: that is a airbus a120, so i would advise you to make a left turn soon.

was kinda funny at the moment :)

[BAMRA wake up]

Funny true story rather than joke, heard at a fairly remote airport in 'North Britain'. They'd just got a brand spanking new tower, to replace the aged wartime one. When the old one was demolished Mr contractor had to take away its septic tank as well. Come the day when the concrete covers came off Mr c phones the management 'you'd better come and see this, it's full of johnnies'. Management 'mystified', but sporting knowing look as final piece of a jigsaw puzzle from many years before falls into place!

[CDN_ATC]

"Speedbird 253, 2 pieces of traffic twelve o'clock, 20 miles, 1000' above you air france Boeing 747, and 1000' below you Air France Airbus 340"

"Speedbird 253 roger, is that what you call a frog sandwich?"

------------------------------


ATC: "El Al 852 Contact Centre now 133.52, goodday"

SWR: "Roger Swiss niner echo going to 133.52 goodday

ATC: "Swiss call not for you"

SWR: "Oh Roger Sorry

*5 minutes later*

ATC:"Delta 187 contact centre 133.52"

SWR: "Roger Swiss niner echo going to 133.52 goodday this time!"

ATC: "Swiss, again, call not for you..."

SWR: "Oh.... Swiss niner echo roger I guess we just really want to leave you!"

ATC: "So did my last wife, but you can stay with me for a bit longer"

[aa73]

ATC, to a Shorts 360: "Command 187, can you make an intersection takeoff or do you have a full load in your Shorts?"

[hvogt]

Just read in a German ATC forum (http://forum.mysnip.de/read.php?8631,906932,907200#msg-907200):

Rhein: "DLH123, are you still looking for higher"
DLH123: "Affirm, loud and clear":)

[GOT]

At Copenhagen you can hear this quite often.

ATC: ABC123, you may save your breaks, rwy 22L cleared to land.

[Admiral346]

2 weeks ago, climbing out of Tirana/LATI:

TIA ATC: "LH1234, Belgrade request you squawk 4302"

we comply - 2 min later:

TIA ATC: "LH1234, Blegrade request you squawk 6020 now"

again we comply, but shortly after:

TIA ATC: "LH1234, please now squawk 6023"

About ten seconds pass:

TIA ATC: "It was Lady controler who told me that..."

We couldn't stop laughing for 10 minutes

Nic

[andrijander]

This one has been told to me, wasn't there and don't know if it's true or not -but it's quite likely-. Happened something like 10-15 years back when the iron wall was still in place. A russian plane calling in, being identified and given some instructions by a female controller who is finishing the shift at the time-apparently there weren't that many back then and I guess specially @ other side of the "wall"-; so that was her last transmission for the day and a male colleague takes over. A couple of minutes later the pilot comes back:

"control, can you confirm we were cleared by a woman??"

makes me chuckle anyway

A.

[ATSA_Grunt]

Was fairly late in the evening at LL many years ago and only a couple of A/C on the GMC frequency:

GMC: "UALXXX give way to the Pakistan 747, you're then cleared in" (to the cul de sac)

UALXXX: " Roger, after the Pa*i"

There then followed a pause to which the Pakistan replied " We're not moving until we get an apology!"

UALXXX: In a very confused voice " Err.. Have we offended you sir? Well, we're sorry"

The UAL had obviously just abbreviated the C/S and had no idea what he had said!

The Pakistan pilot was obviously very upset as he then crossed a Red stop bar, and then proceeded to cross an active runway ending up in T4 for a departure off 27R!!

[Aspen20]

Last night on twr.
Comair xxx are you ready to line up.
Negative. I'm waiting for a sterile Captain

Funny at the time

[cdnjetblast]

I just finished reading throught the 49 pages to make sure I would not repeat...

True story from where I work a few years ago

To a South Eastern Delta feeder (bible belt):
CLX: AAA1234 cleared to ATL .... squawk 0666...
A/C: AAA1234 cannot accept this sqawk
CLX: roger, switch to ground who will give you your code
CLX gets a new code from flight planning and gives the story to GND with a suggestion for a joke
GND: AAA1234 I have your new squawk code
A/C: ready to copy
GND: it's 1313
long pause
CLX to GND: better give it the real one before they leave the plane
GND: seriously, it's 1234
A/C: we're happy it's a joke

I will add on a regular basis stories that happened to me or my collegues... if they are deemed funny:rolleyes:

[Aviator_IT]

This morning...
Scandinavian123 winds 370 at 10 knots cleared to land, 30R.
Good it was only in the simulator room, but even we at the other end on another sim of the room laughed!

[Dries v.d. Tillaard]

Overheard on finals on an extremely stable day , having had the same high pressure area over Europe for two weeks *i.e. not O-N-E knot of wind* Munich tower goes:

TWR " LH1234 , what's the wind at 3000'?"
LH 1234 : " *Sigh*....it's two-six-zero diagonal........two"
Some time later on the apch " LH1234 , what's the wind at 1000'?"
LH1234 " Zero.Diagonal zero"

I guess this guy wasn't German.

[cdnjetblast]

On a windy day from the NW.
Late afternoon rush as the sun is setting to the West.
Single runway ops on 32: light GA mixed with commercial.
A DV20 coming back to land.
TWR is trying to squeeze him between arrivals and departures.

1st try: tower gives him his sequence to turn base, he turns too late, comes close to airliner, twr takes him out of there.

2nd try: twr uses headings to point him in the opening, DV20 succeeds at messing the plan and misses another airliner.

There is still a line up of departures and arrivals.

TWR: GABC do you see the sun?
ABC: uh... yes tower
TWR: fly towards it I'll call you back

Guess what?
It worked!:ok:


In the same line:

To an aircraft that does not follow any instructions and uses bad RT

TWR: ABC do you have enough fuel to leave my zone?:E

[Aviator_IT]

Got a new one for you which I guarantee is true. Back in the mid 1970s a Lufthansa 737 had a special logo applied with a large number 250 (or similar) on the fuselage to commemorate the 250th (or so) anniversary of something or other which was a big deal in Germany at the time (I am sure someone can fill in the right number but it is not important). On Heathrow Ground a curious controller asked, "Lufthansa 232 what does the big number on the side of the aircraft signify?". Before Lufthansa could respond the pilot of another aircraft using a strong 'mock German' accent replied, "Schpittfiers". Lufthansa 232 remained silent!

[BigBoeing]

this little chesnut from a a cheery american private jet

Ground: reads clearance...squawk 0345 QNH 1028"

Pilot: reads it back

few minutes later

"er ground, im having a few problems over here, i cant seem to get 1028 set in my box, its just not accepting it"

god knows what he had his altimeter set to!

[DirtyStopout]

Sometime last year I had a Jersey 146 on freq inbound to EGKK. I'm paraphrasing but the conversation went something like this...
"London, BEE123, can you clear something up for us, was that American which just passed above us left to right a 777?"
(I had already thrown the strip and hadn't got a clue)
"BEE123 affirm"
(I then got curious as to what the type was and to tell the truth I felt a bit guilty for just fobbing him off so I dug out out the strip)
"BEE123 actually I was wrong it was a 767"
"Ah ok, thanks London, it seems your aircraft recognition is as bad as mine"
"BEE123, my aircraft recognition from here is shocking. You all just look like green dots to me."
BEE123 - "Ah yes, I see your point. Silly me."
Made me chuckle anyway....

[cdnjetblast]

CFC1 (canforce one) the plane that carries the Canadian prime minister is coming back to the national capital.
Arrival controller is vectoring him in sequence.
After receiving a vector that puts him number 3 or 4 the pilot adds to his readback:

CFC1: do you know we have the prime minister on board?
ARR: Does the prime minister want to live?

[CaptYanknBank]

Nmber two into CGN/EDDK last night.
Beautiful clear still evening.
We had no FMC wind readout.
Number one asked for a wind check.

Tower - "Variable at One Gusting Two." :}

Had us chuckling all the way down.

CY&B

[Ian Brooks]

Just heard on Manchester
Good evening London UPS*** decending blah blah
ATC Good evening UPS*** right frequency wrong centre we are Manchester
UPS*** Oh good evening Manchester
ATC My collegue has just suggested I call you Fed Ex
UPS*** silent!


Ian

[troff]

"A!"
I was landing in Mumbai da odder night an when we taxi to da terminal I see someting on da taxiway, so I say to da odder guy: "A! Look, it's a dog on da taxiway!"
E said: "Dat's not a dog, dat's a goat!"
So I call to da tower: "Ground, (Airline callsign), dere is a goat on taxiway Alpha going twards da terminal right down da centerline!"
Da controller reply, in heavy Indian haccent: "Very well, follow the goat to the termnal."

...only in India.

[high-hopes]

troff were you flying a charter to some gangsta rap convention in Mumbai by any chance ? :)

[PleaseSayAgain]

Heard a few months ago in the London TMA:

ATC: "ABC123, ... uhh.. disregard."
reply: "Disregarding, ABC123!"

:E

[doubledolphins]

Guilty, but I didn't think it was that funny. Glad some one did:ok:

[tubby linton]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=MeI154gaWL4

If this has already been posted I will get my coat!

[Capt Claret]

Grab yer coat Tubby. :8

[tubby linton]

http://www.whitewebsite.com/ikons/coatstand.gif

[Nowheels]

Heard last night (November 5th) going into Edinburgh, strong Irish accent.

a/c Edinburgh approach, is there something on tonight there seems to be a lot of fireworks.
(No reply)
a/c Edinburgh approach xxx123
ATC Go Ahead
a/c We were wondering if there was something going on tonight as there seems to be a lot of fireworks.
ATC (well controlled voice) Yes its guy fawkes night!

There was a lot of fireworks. I think atc, like us thought the first time of asking was tongue in cheek.

[JEM60]

Told to me by an ex Donaldson 707 driver, who was somewhere over Pakistan.

D.31 you are cleared to Flight Level 33
Ah, this is D.31. Didn't you just clear the Aeroflot to that level??????
[Very sombre Pakistani accented ATC voice] Oh, God. Not another day like yesterday.!!!!!

[tired-flyboy]

yesterday on LAM,

speedbird 123: ' London any chance of a quicke tonight?'
me: ' not with me but i'll ask director see what they can offer you....'

:p

[Blenk]

During flight inspection of the Brisbane 19 ILS last week the calibration aircraft had to complete an approach and then fly at 50' along the centerline to the opposite threshold. All of the traffic was opposite direction on 01. Just after the calibration aircraft was cleared for the run a Qantas 767 called ready.

Tower: "QF767 hold short 01, traffic is calibration aircraft, king air, overflying runway at 50 feet, 19 direction"
QF767: "Wicked"

[WildWesterner]

Barely readable aircraft checks in on freq.

Trainee: "Callsign, readability ZERO, route direct XXX"

Begs the question how our trainee knew who was calling in the first place!

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.

WW:)

[VH-WTF]

Somewhere over SE Oz

A/C: Can you confirm our landing time of 41? The flight attendant doesn't believe us.
ATC: You can tell her from me, landing time 41!
A/C: Thanks.
ATC: If you're after something later i'm sure we can organise that..
A/C: Nah not at all!

[evoluzio]

I vaguely remember a long time ago some Yank aircrafts had "PussyXX" as their callsigns... Guess you can imagine the laughs we had when we saw that!

[ralphos]

Last night at Wellesbourne airfield:

A/C: Can I park here? I cannot see if there is any other gap.
AFIS: You should eat more carrots :P

[good egg]

ATC: ABC123 Cleared for take-off runway XX
ABC123: Cleared for take-off runway XX....er....there are a few ducks crossing the runway....ABC123
ATC: Roger, caution drake turbulence!

[jetstar1]

"Stations inbound to Melbourne, terminal information Quebec now current... ah... doesn't appear to be any changes... standby, will advise..."
...
..
.
"Stations inbound to Melbourne, terminal information Quebec is the same as Papa..."

[FougaMagister]

R/T exchange heard last friday between our UPS colleagues :ok: and Budapest approach (129.7):

BUD ATC: "UPS xxx, descend FL130, what is your speed?"

UPS xxx: "descend FL130, what speed would you like?"

BUD ATC: "I should like to know your current speed!"

Obviously not a man to be messed about... then again it was about 0545Z! :{

[fourgolds]

American lady pilot to a controller who just gave her the altimeter setting in QNH hectopascals , " Tower do you have it in inches ? "

Male tower controller , " How many would you like ? "

[doubledolphins]

Legend.

"Oh, Hello Jet Speedbird One. Up you go to One Nine Oh."

"Do you mean , Climb to Flight Level One Nine Zero?"

"Well yes, unless you can think of any other way of getting up there."

[blousky]

Heard on Manchester departure, a few month ago:
ATC: "Rubens 308M Skwak XXXX... ... you've got your SLOT TIME in there!!"
Rubens: shamefully silent

[Run DME]

Heard on Edinburgh Tower freq late one evening some months back:

Twr: Shuttle XXXX, your're clear to land Runway 24.
Shuttle XXXX: Clear to land Runway 23, Shuttle XXXX
Twr: Shuttle XXXX, its Runway 24 - 23's a bit bumpy (!)

[Trotsky]

One of the "old dogs" was apparantly somewhat pre-occupied once working the radar:
ATC: Elite001, fly heading 310, sir, and report new heading... sir.
-a looooong pause...
A/C: Uuh, Elite001 now heading 310.

We were rolling on the floor laughing, poor pilots, they must have been going: "it´s a trick question, you answer it. NO! YOU answer it..."

[Crromwellman]

Heard many yaers ago at Dusseldorf:

ATC: "Speedbird 123 change to xxx.xx and sqauk xxxx."

S 123: "Cannot sqauk because transponder is u/s."

ATC (in heavy stage German accent); Do not worry Sppedbird 123 ve haf vays of making you squak."

[littco]

I was at Paris Orly last week on the GA apron, was just about to request clearance, I looked up pushed the Mike button and at point a 747 taxied passed with its wing almost over our cabin.

At this point, mike open the only thing that came out my mouth was

" Jesus Christ " as it was pretty close and scared the hell out of me.

French ATC replied " Well it is christmas "

[Crromwellman]

Heard several years ago on Company Frequency
A/C: Ops can you sort out some crew meals at Newcastle. Castledon have made a cock-up and I think my cabin crew may resort to cannibalism."
Glad I wasn't on the next sector if they hadn't been fed!!

[Crromwellman]

Heard several years ago whilst flying down the Rhine Valley

1st Voice: Heidelberg Tower this is American Army xxx over the village of Wietzendorf at 500 feet, estimating your field at 1520.

2nd Voice (high pitched): Breaking Right, Breaking Right, traffic is at same location and altitude.

1st Voice: Should be Mac, I'm your co-pilot.

One US Army Lieutenant bought a vast quantity of beer in the Heidelberg O Club that night.:ugh:

[Crromwellman]

Monarch 757 is carrying out training circuits.

ATC: Monarch 123 can I turn you on at five miles?"

Monarch 123: "Madam, I don't think I have had the pleasure but you are welcome to try."

[2control]

ABC123 at 5miles final: Tower, are we cleared to land?
Tower: OK, ABC123, cleared to land!
After landing the tower controller tells the pilots: I never give landing clearance until the aircraft passes the outer marker, reason for that is that you guys tend to forget...
ABC123: We never forget anything!
Tower: I wish I could say the same!:ok:

[Basil]

Leeming 1966.
JP at 9500ft - Leeming radar: Old pilot on ground tour.

JP: Leeming, JP FL950 request descent.
ATC: Roger JP, fire retro rockets now. Splashdown will be in Osmotherly reservoir.

[Farrell]

Heard over a certain area of the desert. Not inherently funny – just “odd”:

ATC: XXX, Are you ok with the visual approach to Runway xx?

Pilot: XXX We are maintaining visual. What do you mean?

ATC: XXX Confirm you are able visual approach to Runway xx.

Pilot: A visual approach. To see the runway?

ATC: Errr…affirm. Can you accept a visual approach to the runway?

Pilot: I suppose we can yes but standby. I must speak with my captain.

Pilot: (after a few seconds) My captain cannot see it. I cannot see it. We can’t see it. We cannot see the runway from here.

ATC: I know that, sir. You are still five zero miles to run. We are just asking if you can accept a visual approach to Runway xx. Or you can have vectors to the ILS Runway xx if you would prefer?

Pilot: Is it cloudy at the airport? Can you see the runway? We cannot do a visual in cloudy. No one can do this.

ATC: XXX, Yes, of course. You are correct. My apologies. Turn left heading 240.

[G&T ice n slice]

note - I’m not ATC or Aircrew so ‘scuse if this isn’t quite wright...

Apparently... supposedly at LHR*1 .... way way back in history*2 when some corporate/private movements were possible... on a sunday afternoon..

North American voice calls up for approach instructions.
Twr : What;s your type ?
North American voice : we’re a Helio
Twr : proceeds to give instructions for helicopter approach, speed, height, reporting point etc
North American voice : confirms
...
North American voice : at reporting point etc
Twr: no other traffic, landing clearance etc
North American voice : tower where do we land ?
Twr: the large concrete area with the big white circle with an “H” in the middle
North American voice : confirm
...
North American voice : tower, sorry we ran onto the grass by a couple of feet
Twr: long silence as helipad is closely examind thru’ the binoculars


[p.s. blame Niall (LHR twr), Dave (latcc, that place in Scotland with the magic bedstead radar), Pete (latcc), Andy (lattc, manch, various) et al]

*1 I think you call it EGLL for some reason
*2 when there were hangars for Fields & Air India where T4 is now, Swissair operated Coronados (the only aircraft you could identify at 10 miles simply from the smoke), the largest aircraft available to the discerning buyer was the DC8-61/3, Air France had nearly new “Deux Ponts” and “the Prince of Darkness” was occasionally remembering that navigation & landing lights actually were fitted to his DC6F (or was it a 4F ?).

[Aerohooligan]

A C172 inbound to Archerfield Airport (Brisbane, QLD, Australia) a couple of months back seemed to be a little confused about the location of the inbound reporting points to the south.

Normal procedure is to report inbound at Park Ridge Water Tower (about 6-8 miles south) with callsign, type, altitude and ATIS received; and again at Logan Motorway (2-3 miles south) to receive circuit joining instructions.

The following was heard on tower frequency:

A/C: 'Archer tower, ABC, logan motorway.'
TWR: 'ABC, you're currently two miles south of the motorway. Join downwind 10R.'
A/C: 'Downwind 28R, ABC.'

after a brief pause as the A/C covers the remaining couple of miles:

TWR: 'ABC, Archer tower: see that big arterial road running East-West, the one you're passing over now? That's the Logan Motorway.'
A/C: 'ABC.'
TWR: 'ABC, do you have an instructor on board?'
A/C: 'I am the instructor.'

The controllers at YBAF create these gems with hilarious regularity.

And one that happened to me:

I was flying a C172RG out of YBAF outside of tower hours. I was planning a departure into controlled airspace so called BN radar to request area QNH:

Me: 'Brisbane Radar, ABC, request.'
RDR (obviously in a good mood): 'ABC...request away!'

[Aerohooligan]

A C172 inbound to Archerfield Airport (Brisbane, QLD, Australia) a couple of months back seemed to be a little confused about the location of the inbound reporting points to the south.

Normal procedure is to report inbound at Park Ridge Water Tower (about 6-8 miles south) with callsign, type, altitude and ATIS received; and again at Logan Motorway (2-3 miles south) to receive circuit joining instructions.

The following was heard on tower frequency:

A/C: 'Archer tower, ABC, logan motorway.'
TWR: 'ABC, you're currently two miles south of the motorway. Join downwind 10R.'
A/C: 'Downwind 28R, ABC.'

after a brief pause as the A/C covers the remaining couple of miles:

TWR: 'ABC, Archer tower: see that big arterial road running East-West, the one you're passing over now? That's the Logan Motorway.'
A/C: 'ABC.'
TWR: 'ABC, do you have an instructor on board?'
A/C: 'I am the instructor.'

The controllers at YBAF create these gems with hilarious regularity.

And one that happened to me:

I was flying a C172RG out of YBAF outside of tower hours. I was planning a departure into controlled airspace so called BN radar to request area QNH:

Me: 'Brisbane Radar, ABC, request.'
RDR (obviously in a good mood): 'ABC...request away!'