ATC Humour (Merged)

[niknak]

Me: "KLM...... continue approach RWY.., number 4, number 3 is the one in front of you."

KLM.... "Where else would he be?"


:ooh: :8 :O

[chiglet]

A BAL taxying out at Manch....nothing in front of him....
"BALxxA No 2 for departure"
"Where's No1?"
"Look to your right, he's on the runway"
The "Unusual" B747 had missed the only taxiway during WIP, and had to backtrack
watp,iktch

[2Donkeys]

Last year mid-summer, warm day; me calling FSS for a pre-flight brief NAPF- KEYW

"I'd like a standard brief for an IFR flight to Key West from Naples please".

"Sir... I have to tell you, IFR is not recommended today.... It is lovely out there, you should be looking out of the window!"

2D

[bibendum]

Yesterday, near the Humber...

"Aircraft flying North up the Trent, 2700', Humberside Approach, Are you on this frequency"

"Aircraft flying North up the Trent, 2700', Humberside Approach, Are you on this frequency"

"Aircraft flying North up the Trent, 2700', Humberside Approach, Are you on this frequency"

"Humberside Approach G Sxxx, pass your message"

"G Sxxx, squawk ident.... big brother is watching you!"

Made me smile anyway!

[G-IG]

When training for my PPL at GLA.

ABC123 ... Request touch and go Rwy 23.

TWR123... Cleared to land initally due to wake turbulance.

I held on the runway waiting for my take off clearance, then over the R/T I heard an Easy jet which had lined up say "Have you broken down son":ugh:

And then after waiting a few more minutes, off I went.

[Smirf]

I heard this one from a friend which is a Captain for a Danish airline.........

This cargo plane came in every night and had been the only plane comming into Billund airport at that exact time for years, I guess it was the same pilot flying the plane because he started saying his callsign as " Billund Approach, Guess Who"
The controller surely thought it was funny the first couple of days when he started it, but after a few weeks the controller had enough so one night that same cargo plane came at the same time as always and the pilot called " Billund tower, Good evening guess who" The controller then turned the Runway lights off and calmy replied " Funny mann in the sky, Guess where"

[Scott Voigt]

This is an old one used world wide. I saw it used back in 1972 at a Navy tower one evening...

regards

Scott

[Numpo-Nigit]

If Carlsberg wrote jokes ......

[M609]

One of the local CFIs did the same to me last winter when on downwind in a PA34.

"Bardufoss TWR, guess who"

Ah, caramba! This is too good to be true i say to myself, and hit the master off button on the light control panel. (kills ALL airfield lights)

And I say with a giggle: "Guess where"

Ahh, good one this. :E



.......just one tiny problem: I had in my excitement forgot that there was more then this aircraft under my control, namely a P28A from same company on taxi to parking. He found himself in pitch black, and started yelling accordingly on the freq.......


Oooops...... :O :O

[Vampy]

Heard at a large airport in the North West of England.......

Ryanair lands and proceeds to slam on the breaks stopping about a 1/4 of the way down the runway.......our hero in the tower,

'RyanairXXX, after you've scraped your hosties off the cockpit door, contact ground on.........'

Great Stuff!

[av8boy]

Did the same thing, half a world away and 20 years ago. :( Seemed like a good idea at the time...

[Goldfish Watcher]

From 'The Sun' (http://freespace.virgin.net/gordon.r/george-n-lyn3.jpg)

[EGBKFLYER]

For BHD from Guernsey on an IR training trip last week, in a PA34, callsign 'Fasttrack xx'. At FL100 just handed on to London Control:

US: London Control, Fasttrack XX, FL100 direct Berry Head
Him: (Long Pause) er, Foxtroxt Sierra Tango xx was that?

US: Affirm London, it's Fasttrack xx, FL100
Him: Confirm Your callsign?

US: FASTTRACK xx
Him: (deadpan voice) Ah, roger fasttrack xx, it was the 160kt groundspeed that fooled me...

Much appreciated by all on board hee hee

[chrisleeds2003]

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

[BN2A]

In an afternoon of slot problems and congestion on the ground...

Alitalia:- "Alitalia xyz, do you have any good news for us?"

Delivery:- "It's nearly my birthday..."

;)

[I am Birddog]

I am sure everyone heard this one

American Airlines pilot was set to retire after this last flight. Upon taxiing for departure he stated to the Toronto (YYZ) tower.

"Well after 30 years, this will be my last take off as a professional pilot. I just want to thank you folks up there for all the help over the years. You have been the second best controlling service in the world"

ATC reply's:

"Well thank you" pause for a moment
"May we ask who is number one in all your travels?"

Captain reply's:

"Everyone else"

[glider12000]

Yesterday when at Sheffield i was calling sheffield radio and when reading back the QNH i responded:

QNH 2005 G-LT!

D`OH! :rolleyes:

[BN2A]

Don't worry... It just shows what High Pressure you're under!!!

:\


...Taxi!!!!

[Radarero]

Here´s a little addition to the famous "Fokker" related snappy answers:

acft climbing out of Frankfurt to Switzerland, overtaking a Fokker 5o in the climb.

Pilot 1: Is that an old Fokker?

Pilot 2 (flying the FK50, moaning) It´s the oldest Fokker that is flying in Europe!

Controller: We therefore gently call her the Mother Fokker!

[another1]

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[SamHanley]

Heard in the Brussels sectors in Maastricht.

Pilot: Good afternoon Maastricht, this is Air India (AIC) XXX FL330 routing to KOK

Controller: AIC XXX, Hello, you are identified. Confirm your routing later is via BOMBI?

Pilot: No, it's not bumpy, it's smooth.

[Foxy Loxy]

Spotted in the "Readback" column of Nats News.

Oh controller, who sits in the tower
Hallowed be thy sector
Thy traffic come, Thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors
And forgive those who cut us off
And deliver us not into adverse weather
But deliver us our clearances.

I would love to know who to credit that to, but no mention was made in the column.

Cheers!

Foxy

[CAP670]

On LGW Ground a few years ago just after BAW transferred a number of long haul routes from LHR, most flight crews seemingly of the 'Captain Speaking' plummy accent ilk:

"BAW XXX Ground, hold short of Taxiway 4, traffic on your stand has a thirty minute slot delay"

"Ground, BAW XX, thirty minutes? Where does that leave us then?"

Anonymous voice believed to be a Monarch 757:

"In the ****....":

D

[tobzalp]

Dude there is like a whole thread for this.

[Impi]

Dear Topzalp

Forgive him, he's probably just a Eurocontroller....

[Jerricho]

But how well trained then :E

[Stirling]

Apologies if this has been on before.

Several years ago, Speedbird 747 approaching Bankok after a relatively long overnight sector.

Speedbird:Bangbird radio, Bangbird radio, this is Speedkok123
Bangkok radio:Errr, say again?
Speedbird:Bangbird Radio, good evening, this is Speedkok123

Unaware, or prehaps unwilling, to correct obvious mistake, r/t conversation got back to business and slightly more mundane!

[BN2A]

Ground - "Ryanair 123, are you ops normal?"

Ryanair 123 - "[pause] .....Affirm"

Ground - "Just wondered. I've never seen you taxi so slowly!"

:)

[Vampy]

Not quite along the same lines as the ATC Humour thread! It's just I'm one of those people who can think of something great as a reply to a balls up by a pilot, but unfortunately it only comes in to my head 5-10mins after the moment has passed! Any hints or 'off-pat' replies from some more experienced members of our brethren? :ok:

[Jerricho]

Any witty retort that doesn't fall into "standard phraseology" would be seen as highly unprofessional and should be frowned upon. :E

[HAMMY]

Jerricho,wonders will never cease.You mean to say the Canadians have actually managed to teach you how to use standard phraseology!What are they doing that we weren't,or is it the lovely warm summer you've had thats helped you to see the light?

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Blimey, Jerrico... you haven't donned a suit and clipboard by any chance have you?

[Jerricho]

And here I find replies from 2 of the worst offenders for non-standard, non-MATS phraseology ever. It's a disgrace.

And if my memory serves me correctly, you BOTH worked on the same Watch.......hmmmmmm

:p

[Lon More]

High level inbounds EHAM have a requirement to be FL260 22 nm N of EEL, tacking about 200; in practice FL 260 at EEL is OK although some pilots push this to the limits with R.O.D. of =/- 4000fpm, to considerable annoyamce when we were busy.

This lead to the instruction, "The number is 260; either descend to it, or turn to it." i.e., expect radar vectoring to the back of the queue. It worked for a whle.

Lon More, here before Pontius was a Pilot or Mortus a Rigger

[Impi]

He workED in the DECO sectors...

[Articsky]

This happened at an airport located at the south western part of norway a few years back.
A little background info first, this airport is located near a beach which is used for kites of all sorts and shapes. Drage is the norwegian word for kite, however drage can also be translated into dragon if your vocabulary is a bit off the mark:

TWR: "KLMxxx, cleared to land, caution DRAGONS on short final"
KLM: "Cleared to land, say again last part?"

Still makes me laugh :)

This was heard at Farris APP a few months back.
At ENSN a DHC2 is lobbing out skydivers, a WIF is inbound ENTO to land. I couldn't resist the temptation, this was heard on the radio:
Farris: "WIFxxx, tfc is a beaver"
WIFxxx: "Farris, we got the beaver in sight, biggest one i've ever seen" :D

[javelin]

Last night, working London Mil.

'London - Kestrel XXX I would like to go down please.'

'Kestrel XXX - I wish my wife would say that a bit more - cleared FL 110'

[West Coast]

There were some gems coming from one of the ORD local controllers last night. He was busy and seemingly pissed off at the same time. I see where those lists of top 10 txmissions come from annually.

[rej]

Vampy

the "Grasscuttings" page in the GATCO mag aways offers up so real gems.

[JustaFew]

The grasscuttings in GATCO mag are the ones that are printable....:uhoh:

[the_flying_cop]

last night at EG-- about 1:30am. nothing on frequency, one inbound, otherwise radio silence.


atc : lighting 2 vacate at XX

no reply

atc : lighting 2 ground

no reply

atc : lighting 2 vacate at XX

no reply

atc : lighting 3 can you see lighting 2, he has gone deaf.

short delay....................

lighting 2 : go ahead ground

atc : GET OFF MY RUNWAY

lighting 2 : sorry, vacated at XX

atc : if you are going to be deaf im not gonna let u back on.

lighting 2 : erm.........roger......sorry....can hear u now

aircraft departs -

Light 2 : permission to enter runway

long pause.............."only if you promise not to go deaf again"

light 2 : i wont

(possibly had to be there)

[MeatHunter]

Nice one Javelin

MH

[Yellow Sun]

Heard a few days ago at LHR

BA 747 taxying out for 09R

"We have an problem with our No4 engine. Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut it down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?"

Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!:

GATWICK

YS

[hangten]

again perhaps you had to be there, also was tempted to post in the witty retorts thread due to the speed of the pilots reply! heard on quite busy international airport ground frequency..

baw*** : 'baw*** request taxi'

ground (curtly) : 'baw***, straighten up, hold before taxiway **'

baw*** : 'you sound like my parents, hold before **, baw***'

[Farrell]

Found a few more, as I know it's a sticky thread at this stage. Sorry if these are repeats! - Wayne

LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."



Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."



Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."



A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."


And a little off thread, but I loved this pic!

http://www.chris.brady.ukgateway.net/nicolasdrawing.jpg

Wayne

[Farrell]

Subject : Amendments to CAP 413 in Scottish FIR

Due to the recent inclement weather, there have been some instances of diversion to airports within the Scottish FIR. Needless to say passengers and aircrew alike have had extra difficulties on these occasions The following phraseology is applicable to aircrew having to visit Glasgow: (Translation: Rapast crappiwerra huzcozzed affue probs, wi’ra kites ‘n punters gawnaff taera rangtoons. Djutae ra probswi ralingo witcha forrintipes huv, heerza guidetae folla furra flyboys :-)

Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
Affirmative - Aye atsrite
Break - Hodoan
Correction - Aw****
How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
I say again - Wanmertime pal
Negative - Noway pal
Over - Overinnat
Out - Ahmoaf
Pass your message - Geezrapatter
Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
Roger - Okay pal
Say again - Geezrapatter again
Speak slower - Geezitininglish
Stand by - Hodoanahmbizzy
That is correct - Spotoan / Atsragemme
Verify - Yerjokin
Wilco - Naeborra
Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
Cleared to land - Getoan ragrunn
Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
Cleared take off - Oanyer bike / Oanyer wyepal

I trust the above will be of some assistance.

[Get me some traffic]

Aw Come on now, NO-ONE diverts into Scotland!!! The only airfield in the Scottish FIR to get diversions is Newcastle!!

[ecj]

What short memories.

Did not nearly the whole of the Icelandic Airlines div into Glasgow a year or so ago when Iceland "went out" ?

Next day mass launch for home - 10 minutes apart at 61N.

[Ayr-Rage]

Sick people come here.
Prestwick seems to be a favourite for medical diversions.

[divorcingjack]

Oh thank you for that !

I'm a lone scottish pilot here in canada and great to hear some languge from home !! Laughed out loud ! Anyone up for doing an irish one ?

divorcingjack

[Farrell]

divorcingjack......this is the best i could find......

Irish Pilots

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night,with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de' shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

[Booville Monroe]

How about the old chestnut that works on every trainee:

-Can you tell me what airline that LDA stands for?

-Lauda

-CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT AIRLINE THAT LDA STANDS FOR?

[MACC 29 all the time!!!!]

Mentor of mine many years agao at LATCC came out with a gem.

To an american pilot

"Descend 6000ft QNH 1011"

To which he replied

"Say maam could I have that in inches"

Without even thinking she replied

"Descend 72 thousand inches QNH 1011"

One I have to own up to

Outbound Monarch pilot called approaching FL190 I looked at the radar he was passing FL153, admittedly going up well, with out even thinking I turned to my co-ordinator and said "Lying B******" , to which he said I think you just transmitted that. I laughed usual windup, only to hear

"Oh yes sorry my mistake passing FL170"

OOPS


(Edited as I can't multiply 12 by 6000)

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

<"We have an problem with our No4 engine. Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut it down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?"

Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!:

GATWICK>

AAhh.. Nice to know the spirit of comradeship still exists between Heathrow and Gatwick! Tee Hee!! (Old hands might understand - Sorry Tom and the boys!)

[lestump]

Geez Jericho..... ".... highly unprofessional.."? Pull that broomstick out of your fundamental orifice, lighten up and enjoy yourself at work. We all need a laugh now and then, and there's nothing wrong with a witty retort now and then. It doesn't make you any less professional, just a bit more human. You ARE human, aren't you?

Lestump

>>
Jerricho
POD
posted 18th September 2004 11:25
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Any witty retort that doesn't fall into "standard phraseology" would be seen as highly unprofessional and should be frowned upon.


:p

Oops...... having read a bit further into the forum, maybe I should have been open to the possibility that Jericho was being a little facetious or sarcastic... ? If so, I apologise! If not...............
:mad:

[Loki]

One of my colleagues made a comment about my vectoring today, when everyone stopped laughing, I told him to f**k off.

I thought it was witty. (got a few laughs too)

[The Greaser]

I hope she didnt say 36 thousand inches for 6000'!! Might lead to an embarrasing situation.

[DX Wombat]

MACC.... "Descend 6000ft QNH 1011..........."Descend 36 thousand inches QNH 1011"
:ooh: :uhoh:
Are the USA inches different from the UK ones then? Over here one foot = 12" so 6,000' should = 72,000" :ok: And just in case somebody thinks I'm nit-picking, I'm enjoying this thread nearly as much as the ATC Humour one :ok:

[Scott Voigt]

Those are cold water inches <G>... (shrinkage)

Scott

[Formally Known As]

Years ago, Cessne 150 landed for a full stop.

At touch down (and during the first of many a bounce) the controller cleared the A/C via the high speed to some place on the airport. As quick as a flash the pilot replied "haven't finished yet"

[Jerricho]

Lestump, you don't hang round here much, do you?

And I'm sure there are a few round here that would question am I human as well.

[FakePilot]

How about:

"Check your vacuum, you've got bad attitude."

I have another one, but I'm saving it for when I get slagged good by someone :)

[lestump]

Jerricho,

Quite right..... I'm a very occasional visitor. Enjoying the jokes in here though. Started looking for some of Dick Smith's rubbish and found this more entertaining.

[Jerricho]

I would like to think I'm witty, but some people tell me I'm half right.:(

You'll not find much DS stuff here. I think the D&G zone holds the monopoly.

[ShyTorque]

I overheard this one.

A lady controller at E. NEMA airport gave a base turn heading to a commercial jet pilot. He read it back to her and then immediately went on to say, presumably intending to alert his cabin staff over the PA, but with the VHF still accidentally selected: "If you folks would like to sit down now, we're about to begin our final approach"...

ATC, quick as a flash: "I am sitting down!"

:p

[The Euronator]

Lestump,

Just a question your not an ex FSO currently working for QF by anychance ??

Don't worry about Jerricho, his wit, decreases with the temperatures he lives in, must be bloody cold there by now Jerricho, not like the days in Bris Vegas heh !!

[Jerricho]

Actually, not that cold at all Euro!

METAR CYWG 112000Z 06006KT 15SM FEW002 FEW260 19/05 A3013

Almost like a winter's day back home. ;)

[bagpuss lives]

Not a witty retort as such but a while ago a colleague at MACC, upon handing off an aircraft late one afternoon shift to a young female controller, instructed the crew to "Contact lovely (female ATCOs name) on 123.45".

Fair play to the crew :ok: The female ATCO had her headset off, as we were quiet at the time so the RT was switched to speaker as is normal, and sure enough, a minute or so later, booming throughout the ops room, a deadpan....................

"Lovely (female ATCOs name) this is................."

To say she blushed is an understatement.

It made us laugh anyway :)

[DirtyPierre]

Heard this one recently,

ATC - "Virgin 501 contact Brisbane Centre on 130.9, expect star clearance."

No response.

ATC - "Virgin 501 Brisbane Centre, contact Centre on 130.9, expect star clearance"

No response.

ATC - "Virgin 501 Brisbane Centre"

No response.

ATC - "Virgin 501 Brisbane Centre"

VOZ 501 - "Virgin 501, was that you calling Centre?"

ATC - "Yes Virgin 501, I was beginning to thinks my kids were flying the aircraft, they don't listen to me either!"

[jayteeto]

Sorry for hijacking your excellent thread, but it was always fantastic to wind up military controllers when flying Wessex/Gazelle/squirrel. When calling finals and they ask confirm gear down.... The reply was always 'down and welded'.

[KPax]

Ah yes 'down and welded' how amusing. How about student rotary pilot being very dull, controller transmits 'speechless ac if you are receving my tx's nod your head', Instructor pops on with, yep he nodded.

[Loki]

I think I have posted this one before, but it is a tribute to the stunning wit of my flying instructor.

We were downwind, and yours truly not having a good day when the tower asked " Golf ****, are you dual or solo?"

Before I could reply, my instructor replied " Well, I think we are dual"

[vector4fun]

Situation: Civilian LearJet under military contract of some sort is taxiing for departure

ATC: "Lear XXX, say direction of flight?"

NXXX: "That's Classified"

pause

ATC: "Lear XXX, expect a delay.."

NXXX: "Umm, how long?"

ATC: "Depature says that's classified..."



Female controller on busy weekend:

"Y'all pretend we're married and shutup and let me talk"


:E

[csomesense]

Heard by a fellow crew-member somewhere over New York airspace:

ATC (Female)(using mid-range female voice): ABCxxx yadda yadda yadda.
ABCxxx (Male)(using Texan-drawl) "Sorry.... was that for ABCxxx?"
ATC: (using higher-than-mid-range female voice) ABCxxx yadda yadda yadda
ABCxxx (as above) "I'm sorry, could you say that a little slower for me?"
ATC (using very-high female-voice-pending-iminent-collision?) ABCxxx yadda yadda yadda NOW
ABCxxx (as above) "Damn, were we married once?"

Apparently a true story, mid 1998

[twieke]

Over Germany;

Rhein radar; "Alitaliaxxx, Rhein....?"

Silence

Rhein; "Alitaliaxxx, Rhein....how do you read?"

Silence

Rhein; "Alitalia, Rhein radar.....?


Unidentified german pilot;" Zey probably vent on a spontanious strike"

[Empty Cruise]

Heard in DUB the other day...

"Specsaver xxx, Approach, are you still IMC"?

"Approach from Specsaver xxx, off course not - we are visual!"

:p Empty

[EastCoaster]

Absolutely priceless tit-bits here - just not enough hours in the day to read em all :p


Some of em reminded me of a story told to me a couple of years back by an old(ish!) instructor:

He was working a fairly quiet en-route sector with not a whole lot happening for hours on end. Two 747's inbound to land with only separation of 1000', otherwise the targets on the screen were merged. Obviously only one of em could be the number 1, but which one? Said controller knew that one of the i/b's was hauling cargo, but couldn't quite remember which one. So, in the interests of expedition etc. he contacted one of the a/c to find out:


ATC: xxx123, yyyy, are you hauling pax or boxes this evening?
(Not exactly standard phraseology admittedly!)

Pilot (in the mandatory slow Southern drawl): Well sir, ah've got abaht 485 units on board, an' Ah reckin abaht half of 'em of got boxes!!

:ooh:



Cue much mirth in the otherwise sleepy center!! :p :\ :} :ok:

[ShyTorque]

Heard a funny today on 130.2 Cottesmore Approach.

ATC: "G-****, state your POB"

G-**** (After pause): "Er, Say again?"

ATC: "G-****, state your POB!"

G-**** (After pause): " Er, overhead.. er... Corby.

ATC: G-****, Roger, ..... clear change to en route frequency, good day!" :rolleyes:

Can't say I blamed him...... :ok:

[rotatrim]

Apologies to the student pilot who earnestly called himself

Golf Bravo Oscar Foxtrot Michael

I was laughing so much I couldn't answer immediately.

[tori chelli]

I'd almost forgotten this one:
Student pilot on qualifying Xcountry calls and is unreadable.

ATCO says "unreadable, use the speechless code - once for yes, twice for no. The question is...are you visual with the field?"

Student pilot replies (in anguished voice) having got closer to the field and thus more readable... "once for yes!"

Luckily I remembered 'Aviate, howl with laughter, Navigate, Communicate' or I might never have got down in one piece.

Tori

[IDENTING]

Last time I was state side, flying into little rock;

LIT TWR: “Cessna 26lima make left traffic for runway one eight you are number 2 behind a Cherokee”
26L: “make left traffic for one eight and number 2, traffic in sight, 26lima”
LIT TWR: “ 26 lima, there is a bonanza coming in on long final”
26L: “so, what do you expect me to do about it?”
LIT TWR: “errrrm,…26lima, give me full speed from where you are, don’t square off your base, make short approach for one eight”
26L: “errrm, okeydokey, 26lima”!

[visibility3miles]

Way back when, when my instructor cleared me for my first solo flight, they told me to make three touch-and-go landings. So, ever the dutiful student, I requested three touch-and-goes from the tower.

Of course the tower, expecting the usual full stop landing the third time around for a first solo, was wondering why I was back in the air after the third one, and cleared me for a full stop (when I asked for it) the fourth time around...

:eek: :confused: :rolleyes:

[AntiCrash]

Lear N33NJ your'e No. 2 for the airport, report the Shorts he is on about a 1 mile final to 9L. Roger Mia 33NJ we got the Shorts in sight, oops we just lost him he must have just over a trailer park, ok there he is we've got him in sight. 33NJ cleared to land 9L.:\

[ATCME]

Regional DH8 inbound to international airport with
crossing runways and 24 in use in IFR conditions.

DH8: XXX Terminal, check Runway 24 active can we talk you into letting us have Runway 15?

Female ATC: The last time I let a pilot talk me into anything I was on pennicillin for two weeks!

DH8: XXX Terminal Roger, I geuess we'll take that for a no. What's our number for Runway 24.

Female ATC: Last!


Same female ATC: Regional XXX, negative on the transponder. recycle please.

DH8: Roger.

Female ATC: Regional XXX, still no joy. Recycle again.

DH8: Roger. XXX Terminal. We've been having problems with our box this morning.

Female ATC: Yeah, I hate it when that happens.


True story.

[Empty Cruise]

ATC : "Baby 123, just a hypothetical question: If I cleared you dct to MIRSI now, and did not give you any further instructions - what would you do?"

Baby 123 : "Well, guess we'll stick with the STAR and join the holding - why?"

ATC : "Ah, we've just been doing a poll with the regulars at MAN all day, and congrats - you got 10 out of 10"

Baby 123 : "Thanks"

ATC : "Baby 123, now direct MIRSI"

:D So much for hypothetical questions! :D

[M609]

A couple of pilots from Norwegian operator Sundt Air was over in the states to collect their new King Air after a navaid calibration re-fit.

Reg on this one is LN-SUZ, and yank controllers completely oblivious to the fact that not all regs start with a "N".
("Are you sure you are LN-SUZ etc")

After a lot of depbate on the GND freq the controller gave up:

"Hell, today you are King Air-Suzie"

They flew a rather long flight calling themselfs that, no problems after that!

[AntiCrash]

From the AVWEB "ON SHORT FINAL SECTION"

Tower: L39 N###, Did you guys get that contract with the post office?

L39: Say again Ellington Tower.

Tower: L39, We heard that the mail was going to be in the Czech.

(pause)

L39: ... Slow day, huh.

Tower: (laughing) Sorry.

:\

[plebby 1st tourist]

A classic that a colleague relayed to me from his training in the early nineties, when live controller training with JPs was still the order of the day:

PAR (Arab exchange stude):"4 miles, SHY 11 to land"

The tower controller looks out the window, sees the shropshire hunt galloping across the threshold and replies:

"SHY 11 Break off the approach, the hunt is on the runway"

A slightly bemused PAR controller then relays to the JP:

"SHY11 Break off the approach, some c*** is on the runway"

Genius.

[Shreq]

From a collegue in Hong Kong,


ATC: Dynasty 123 contact HK arrival on 119.3.

no response

ATC: Dynasty 123 contact HK arrival on 119.3.

no response

ATC: Dynasty 123 Hong Kong, do you read?

lengthly delay

Dynasty123: Hong Kong arrival are you calling Dynasty 123?

ATC: Dynasty 123 I've called four times, contact HK arrival now 119.3

Dynasty123: No HK arrival you only call us three times.

[Little One]

This was given to me by the girls in the EAS ops room, so I'll try type it out correctly for all to enjoy

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in thier spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 Knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my but.

When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the callsign he used was "St Nick".
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St Nicolas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!

With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all the fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their head,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message tey left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard "Left Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were ! covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.

His brath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were at black as a cropduster's belly

He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log
Theese reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"

And Laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion"

He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight."

And some Classic slips I remember over Christmas:

Many ATC's getting so used to saying te usual Xmas greeting continiously end up wishing the Muslim crews a Merry Christmas which isn't always greeted with a warm response.

And the best is

ATC to a BAW crew: Merry Christmas to you and your SCREW :ooh:

[Skeleton]

American F-111 Flossie late 70's. AC on PAN call.

Texan drawl.....

"Lossie Akkee 24 on handover from Scottish inbound, were for a IFR approach to the best available runway.

"Akee 24 identified radar advisory, runway 23 blah blah blah, both cables up. (we had to stop the Gannets somehow)

In a confused tone...

"Both Cables? What are these cables?"

Controller even more confused...

"Akee 24 there the approach and overun cables, both set 1300ft in from each threshold..

Long pause during which the controller looked at me (I was the approach assistant) even more confused...

then...

"Lossie Akee24, these cables can a F-111 go under them!!"

Still makes me crease up 25 years later....


:} :D :} :D

[MonkeyintheCockpit]

ATC: ABC123 Heavy (747) we need some S-turns on final for spacing behind a piston single.

747: Do you know how a 747 handles on S-turns?

ATC: Roger. How's it handle on go arounds?

747: (S-turns)


----------


TWR: Roger, in sight report two miles left base.

ACFT: Uh, tower you want Statute or Nautical miles?

TWR: Your choice there's no other inbounds.

----------


ATC to F-15 just after takeoff: Gunslinger, climb and maintain FL 310.

(30 seconds pass, ATC just about to key the mic....)

F-15 pilot (grunting): Roger, Gunslinger level FL310

[G-SP0T]

Heard this one at MAN.

ATC ground: "ryan air xxx123 if your brakes are good enough hold b3!"

[Tucano_uy]

Heard on Johannesburg Oceanic from a VARIG flying from Cape Town to Sao Paulo.

Controller on HF: VRGXXXX next report crossing 005 degrees east.

VRGXXX: (silence) eeerrrrr...... we don't have 005 east in our flight plan....

Controller: VRGXXXX then report operations normal at time 0930.

VRG: (even longer silence) eeerrrrrr..... Johannesburg..... we don't have operations normal in our flight plan either.


When I walked into the Oceanic Control room, the controller wasn't able to speak due to the laughter.

[SantaUK]

http://corporatedump.com/photo/showphoto.php?photo=45&password=&sort=1&size=medium&cat=501&page=

[M.85]

I have one which made me laugh until well established incruise.
It is hilarious because my colleague on my flight was the joke initiator..
We took off from Schipol,as i was PF,my left seat bud thought amsterdam was just like bush flying in poland so he decided once the gear was up to sharply shorten the communication with ATC.
At shipol, crews have to switch from tower to departure passing 2000ft.
We all know i hope the info departure atc needs from us but he decided or used to, i dont know,to merely exclaim:flight callsign followed by AIRBORNE.
Knowing that he would be asked in the next few secs at least to report altitude passing and cleared level..i didnt intervene.
The ATC gentleman nicely answered:CONGRATULATIONS now report altitude passing.
Having to concentrate on the initial climb my internal laugh became obvious while established on cruise...
Left seat guy i believe and hope took his Comms book from school out again to make our professional airline sound like one.

Happy departures and landings:-)

M.85

[visibility3miles]

What I wished I'd said...

Years and years ago I was flying from the Raleigh-Durham area to the Freeway Airport in a Cessna 172, and went through the Andrews Airforce Base airspace. It was late at night, and nobody else was on the frequency when I requested permission to go through their airspace.

Permission was granted.

There was a pretty strong headwind (more than I had expected), and the controller casually mentioned that my ground speed was 80 knots.

If I had been a little more bold, I would have told him that my indicated airspeed was 120 knots, and that if I wanted to go any faster I'd probably have to get out and push.

Wish I'd said it, as he sounded a little bored.

Plus I had to sprint for the telephone to close my flight plan in time once I landed, so giving him a heads up would have helped if the headwind had delayed me by a few minutes more.

[Jerricho]

Just a couple of days ago we had a rather excited pilot call up to the west of the field in his brand new home-build. He had been waiting until the temperature got up towards 0 Celcius before daring to try out his new toy (all this was told to us on his initial contact ;) )

Anyway, he requests a climb up to 5000 feet (no way on earth I would even think about doing that in something I built) and sets off on his merry way eastbound. As his track is taking him close to the airfield, he is issued a vector. Guess who doesn't have any instruments except a hand held GPS. So, following the Trans-Canada Highway, our intrepid little pilot trundles onwards towards his destination (while everything else is moved out of his way)

Suddenly our friend makes a transmission:

"Uh, Winnipeg Terminal, sorry if you've been trying to call me. I've been taking pictures of the city as I fly over it and I think I have seen my buddy's house". Thanks for the heads up.

Our pluckly little adventurer gets to the edge of our airspace, is told we can't provide him a service any further, the weather at his destination is such, good luck and contact his enroute frequency. Many thanks and he's gone........

Until 20 mins later he's back. Life story time again about how his destination's weather wasn't great and he was having to lower and lower to stay below the cloud and he didn't feel comfortable about trying to land there and could he proceed to St. Andrews and could we give him some assistance.(a small airfield to the NE of CYWG). The new controllers sitting there (who missed all the fun on the way out) is unaware our friend only has his trusty GPS and asks him his heading.

"Um, I'm heading west following Highway 1. I think I know where to go, but the Trans-Canada doesn't go up there, does it?"

Bless him. Eventually get the guy pointed in the right direction (thank god we had a road map) and visual with his destination. Good luck again and see ya.

It's things like this that make me love my job even more.

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Just like being back at EGLL eh J??

[Kilo-club SNA]

Busy day over LA...


GA aircraft with not familiar pilot calls in and requests landing at airport


NXXX: Pos X requests landing...

Sotherna california approach(SOCAL): NXXX proceed to "mile-square park" for spacing.

NXX: Eh, Mile square park, what does it look like?

SOCAL: Well, it's a park, sort of squarish and about one mile on each side

[xtremity]

Sorry,

Just been emailed these by a friend who knew i am in the process of applying for and i thought they may cheer people up.

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

************************************************************ ************
***************

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

============================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

============================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

============================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."

============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off." ============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

============================================================
Taxiing down the Tarmac, a United DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German):

"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

============================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

=========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

============================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speed bird 206.

Speed bird 206: "Frankfurt, Speed bird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speed bird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed bird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speed bird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speed bird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

============================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you

to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
_________________

[Canary Boy]

Funny the first time round...


:zzz:

[The Invisible Cat]

http://gallery.elvado.de/albums/structure/USER-RELATED/misc/search%20engine%28ok%29/search-button-for-dummies.jpg

[Mr Chips]

Xtremity I think that my friends are trying to tell you (using MY picture TIC!!!!) that you may care to cast your eye over the very large ATC Humour thread right at the top of this page...

[The Invisible Cat]

Mr Chips

Sorry 'bout that. One was a tad in a hurry and one forgot to acknowledge (one did that the previous time, though).

One has saved a text file to one's puter, so that one just has to paste it to post a reply like this one (http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthread.php?s=&postid=1761530&highlight=kudos+AND+chips#post1761530)

Where can one find some ashes to put on one's head ? :{
Wait, that's gorra make one visible :uhoh:

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Oh no......... I saw all those before I left Heathrow Tower - and that was 12 years ago.

[dan eire]

aaah once again the lovely people that frequent these forums shamelessly jump on anyone who makes an honest mistake while trying to bring some humour into the world.......fair play xtremity,dont feel bad on account of their need to belittle

[fastjet2k]

Funny first time round, funny second time round... still funny now :p

[The Invisible Cat]

Frankfurt 1944 : one found 24 occurences when searching on PPrune
:rolleyes:

[tobzalp]

http://users.bigpond.net.au/plazbot/repost1.jpg

[Mr Chips]

Dan Eire without wishing to get into a protracted slanging match, those who "frequent these forums" get a little tired of seeing the same thing posted over and over again. In many cases, the poster can be forgiven for not realising that it is an old topic, HOWEVER I think in this case had the poster had just a glance at the forum, s/he might have just noticed a thread right at the top titled "ATC Humour". I think that is a wee bit of a clue....

Also.. not the first time that Xtremity has been directed to the search function!!!!!

[PPRuNe Radar]

Indeed .... thread now merged.

[andrijander]

Heard a couple of days ago. Fritzlar NDB has been renamed as waypoint NATSU, remaining at the same spot -same coordinates-. We all wonder why they couldn't choose some like FRITZ, for instance, but we guess that was just too easy for everyone, right? Anyway. There was some delay on some companies to update the A/C's databases and still a week after the supposed change some crews were using the old name. One controller on the previous sector was bitchin' a bit one of the pilots -not the guy's fault after all if the company doesn't do their homework-. They went chatting on for a while NATSU this NATSU that. Eventually the pilot is instructed to fly DCT NATSU and to contact me. Then he calls in :

"NATSU, hello..."

Not even him could stop laughing on the open micke.


And one from today which kinda scares a bit too. We get an AFLxxx on the freq at an odd level and he calls in reminding us that he's so. He's at FL370 in RVSM airspace. My colleague remarks me : see, that's how initial calls should be done!
After a while we get a call from the previous sector asking wether tha mentioned AFL TCAS was working and if we could check the RVSM status too. I was a bit confused at the request -he had past their sector already after all- but anyway, if there's a doubt; so we ask:

ground : AFLxxx we have a strange request here, could you confirm your RVSM status and if your TCAS is working?

AFLxxx : TCAs is working, we just had an RA to climb because opposite TFC some minutes ago!

From then on we knew why he reminded us he was Opposite Direction Lvl!!!

A.

[anengineer]

As a frequent lurker on this site I find it depressing how so many here share a common trait of pomposity and arrogance.

Xtremity took the time to type up his/her post with the sole purpose of hopefully bringing a smile to other people's faces, and in return gets several snotty smartarse putdowns. What a lovely side to human nature this shows eh ?

So bl**dy what if you've all heard the jokes before ?

I can just picture it in a pub....

"Here, there's this bloke with a dog with only one leg and...."
"Oy, Moron - that one was told in here six months ago... shut up. You should have obtained a list of previously heard jokes before opening your mouth".

..and as for "those who "frequent these forums" get a little tired.."

Awww... poor souls, the strain must be terrible.


Oh when you're smiling, when you're smiling... :D

[anengineer]

Sorry - couldn't resist a little tweaking ! :D :D

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v662/aneng/Humour-for-dummies.jpg

[Route Papa 45]

Ooh, i really hope someone hasn't already posted this but i'm not reading 42 pages.

A 777 from the Indian Ocean region landing somewhere in the North of England today experienced a fire on the undercarriage. It seems that some over entusiastic greasing of the wheels by ground crew could be to blame.

Apparently this is not a new phenomena as a ground controller was taxiing the same a/c type and operator just recently when a very similar incident occured.

Sadly the a/c had just reached the gate and so the pilots were no longer monitoring the RT but an eagle eyed ops vehicle had spotted the problem and radioed the tower. The conversation went something like this:

Ops: " Er ground this is ops on the Northern apron, the 777 on stand 208R has got a fire on it's port undercarriage."

Ground: ( crash button already being depressed ) "Roger ops, how serious is the fire?"

Ops: "Well it's not as bad as yesterday's!"

:ooh:

[BrightonGirl]

Tobzalp,

I couldn't resist logging in to mention that coincidentally, Christopher Lloyd, the actor on the left in the photo you published, is (or at least used to be) a pilot. Some years ago in New York he took me up in a 2-seater twin engine plane (I have no idea what kind it was) and we went for a delightful flight over New York and Connecticut. Although Chris so often, as in "Taxi" and in "Back to the Future", which you've pictured, plays somewhat addle-brained, zoned-out characters, he was a terrific pilot. I remember that before we took off he opened the cowling (?) to check the engines. And I felt completely safe. It's the only time I've ever been in a small plane, and it was very, very enjoyable.

[Nick NOTOC]

Not sure if it already on here somewhere, but the best I've heard in a long time..

ATC HRW: "Speedbird xxx could you give way to the virging with a tight slot?....

BAxxx: "Any time sir"

[DubTrub]

Mr Chips et al
Please remember that the "search function" does not tell the searcher which page the search criteria are on...only that it is on one of 42 (at the moment) pages.

Perhaps Mr vBulletin writer could write a sub-program to search within one thread?

[The Invisible Cat]

DubTrub Perhaps Mr vBulletin writer could write a sub-program to search within one thread?
One thunk 'tis already there :
Just select the "Show results as posts" tick-box in the "Search Options"

Hope this helps :ok:

[Selcalweb.co.uk]

I was listening to NY OAC on 11330 HF on last 18 Feb and heard the following :

[female operator at NY]

AC : New York, New York, American 619 on one one.
NY : American 619 go ahead
AC : Yeah we'd like to get a selcal check please, ALMQ
NY : ALMQ [sends the tone]
AC : Negative
NY : [sends the tone]
AC : Negative. ALMQ
NY : That's what I'm sending. Stand-by, I'll send a double
AC : [sends the tone twice, back to back]
NY : Nah we're not getting it. Stand-by I'll call you on the other set
AC : [2nd radio] New York, 619 again, ALMQ please
NY : [sends the tone a few times]
AC : Nah.. [big sigh] Looks like we're gonna have to listen to ya today....
NY : [really meek voice] I'll try not to be annoying...
AC : [laughing]

:)

[Mark Lewis]

German Astra on a tight slot departing Farnborough:

ATC: 322 theres a Gazelle in your right 11 O clock, do you have him in sight?

322: Affirm

ATC: Roger can you give me a good rate of climb to get over him?

322: Most definitly!

ATC: Roger 24 cleared take off 240/10

322: Cleared take off 24, climbing like hell, 322


Made me chuckle anyway :O

[hangten]

a gazelle in your right 11 O clock?

oh lord i've joined the pedantic masses.

[Miles Magister]

Long ago in a land far away, well 1986 in the good old US of A when I was a young co-pilot flying through the Chicago sector for my first time. I was having real difficulty writting my clearances down and the controler did not even wait for me to acknowledge before talking to the next a/c!!!

An American came on the R/T with a deep southern drawl and said in a very slow voice,

"C-h-i-c-a-g-o c-o-n-t-r-o-l I a-m j-u-s-t a g-o-o-d o-l-d s-o-u-t-h-e-r-n b-o-y w-h-o c-a-n w-r-i-t-e j-u-s-t a-b-o-u-t a-s f-a-s-t a-s I c-a-n s-p-e-a-k s-o s-a-y a-g-a-i-n m-y c-l-e-a-r-a-n-c-e!"

I did'nt feel quite so inept after that.

MM

[Mark Lewis]

Worrying thing is I actualy thought about the direction and the clockface and still got it wrong!

[DX Wombat]

For some OzATC Humour (http://www.ozflightsim.com/jandakot/) have a look at "Charges", "Unheard Phrases" and "Didya Hear?" :E
YPJT is the busiest GA Airport in Oz!

[aged]

When I was doing my PPL at Inverness.

Climbing out from touch and go:
Instructor: Tower, spotter parked at threshold
Tower: Roger, we’ll get the car round to move him
Me: XX Finals for touch and go
Tower: XX cleared touch and go and the spotter’s been moved on
Me: Cleared touch and go and roger the spotter
Unknown: Can’t really follow that

[carro]

student pilot: mobil fuel, ABC

Ground: ah, ABC you are on ground

student pilot: ABC could i please get full tanks at the GA apron

Ground: mate, your on ground, not mobile fuel

student pilot: so how long will the fuel be?? ABC, im kind of in a hurry

[Bre901]

Just saw a very nice Swamp Comic (http://swamp.com.au/assets/strips/6921.GIF)
Hope it's not been posted too recently.

A bit unsure about the copyright issues, though, so Mods, please feel free to delete.

[diginagain]

Oldy but goody.

Some time back I was transitting through NI airspace when I heard a Wessex calling his operating base for;

"500lbs of fuel for Wessex x"

Sooo tempting, I pressed the button;

"Sounds like a fair swop!"

[jokova]

Once, when crewing the old DH Heron Hobart to King Island, the company's big cheese was in a sister aircraft going into Flinders Island. (The geography is not relevant to the point, but to me it fixes time and place - so stiff!)
Big cheese has his usual bout of verbal diahorrea and can't shut up talking to the one or two possibly conflicting others in his vicinity . . . . on and on and on he goes . . . finally unkeying mike and instantly is met with the sardonic tones of our chief pilot (one Nigel Peart) - "Change hands Dallas, change hands."

[BN2A]

Think this was a dig from Tower to the aircraft just airborne, by telling the lined up and about to depart aircaft:-

"ABC123, the previous aircraft seems to have blown off track. Your departure clearance is a standard Pole Hill 4 Sierra departure".

ABC123:- "Roger, Pole Hill 4 Sierra."

"ABC123, you are cleared for take off, Wind Calm."

:E

[Stockpicker]

Apologies, no time to read through 42 pages to see if this has featured before:

Some US airports are the home of both military and civil operators.
Air traffic control is normally run by one side only.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

And responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied in a friendly voice, "What difference does it
make?"

And here the tower came into its own.

"It makes a lot of difference

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

And if it is a private executive jet we tell them that they can afford
to buy a watch.”

[Frunobulax]

Today on my shift:

SP-XXX to TWR: "Do you happen to know up to what altitude is danger area 21 active today?" (EPD 21 is artillery range)
(not-so-much) anonymous pilot: "Does it make any diffrence at what altitude they will shoot your ass?"

[Little One]

Due to traffic decending in to a satelite airfield on our western boundry I couldn't launch a DH8C on a left turn off 03L but had a C208 on a right turn to depart so told the C208 to line up ahead of the DH8C that was already lined up using a TWY that enters the RWY 100m ahead of full length (J for those who know JNB)

The DH8C remarks "We'll keep the park brake on so the propwash won't blow us back"

[Farrell]

Airport in Florida.....

Twr: Cessna Nxxxx, your traffic is a Beech Bonanza turning base for 27, you're number 2, cleared to land.

Pilot: Number 2, cleared to land, Cessna Nxxxx.

Twr: Nxxxx, do you have your traffic in sight?

Pilot: Nxxxx, roger the Beech on base.

Twr: Umm.....I can't do that for you son, I'm married!

(well, it made me laugh)

[Pierre Argh]

ATC to Microlight: "Request your position?"

Microlight Pilot "We're actually not over anywhere at the moment!"

[Widger]

Amendment to JSP318A some years ago.

Delete: Dying
Insert: Flying

[-IBLB-]

HEARD AT APF (NAPLES, FL)

An airplane has just been handed over from Approach (FEMALE controller) to APF twr (MALE controller).

-APF TWR, Falcon 123AB, with you 12 miles NW, for the visual rwy 5.
-Falcon 123AB, roger, no observed traffic between you and the airport, you are cleared to land rwy 5.

the pilot still thinking about the female controller:
-cleared to land rwy 5, falcon 123AB, thank you ma'am.
-Falcon 123AB, you just called me ma'am! cancell ldg clearance, proceed direct CYY VOR, and hold for 20 minutes.


-IBLB-

[-IBLB-]

some more from APF and surroundings

-GND, Operations 2 Van.
-Operations 2 van, aren't you the one who was supposed to call me 15 minutes ago?
-Uhhhhhhm, yeah....sorry about that. But we are at the terminal, would like to cross the active to mosquito control.
-Operations 2 van, roger. Proceed up to and hold short of rwy 5 at A3. Expect further clearance at 14.25Z, time now is 1350Z.

------------------------------

-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, student pilot, 20miles east, 2500ft, inbound for landing.
-Cessna 123AB, APF TWR, roger, i don't see you, but you might be too low for radar. Report 10 miles east.
........
-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, 10 miles east.
-Cessna 123AB, roger, still don't see you, report 2 miles east for right downwind rwy 5.
.........
-APF TWR, cessna 123AB, 2 miles east, joining downwind rwy5.
-Uhhhhhhm, Cessna 123AB, still don't see you, where are you?
-About 2 miles east joining right downwind.
-Cessna 123AB, i see no traffic to my east. Ident for me please.
- Roger, ident. Turning base now, 123AB.
-Cessna 123AB, ident observed, CLIMB 2000' NOW! TURN RIGHT HDG 060, You are over Ft Myers intl, not over APF!

------------------------------

flying into clewiston airglades (uncontrolled/CTAF), my student f&^%$ up the approach, so i told him to make one more pattern, and do another landing

-Clewiston Airglades traffic, Piper 678AB final rwy 13, going around, but i am going to try again.

------------------------------

On a clear night, the sun is starting to set. Just at that time (a while ago) a shuttle is launched from the eastcoast.
Several planes in the trafficpattern

-All traffic, APF TWR, if you look to the NNE, you will see a shuttle being launched
one of the pilots replies:
-Roger, traffic in sight.

------------------------------

One of the controllers (one of the best i've known btw) is handling 8 (!) planes in the traffic pattern, plus incoming traffic.

-Allright guys, listen up, I can handle 8 of you, but you have to listen and comply quickly if you want to stay in the pattern. I am trying to get this pattern back into Collier County.

------------------------------

Same controller as above, recognised me flying the warrior:

-Falcon 2345, you are number 2, behind the warrior.
-looking for the traffic, number two, 2345
-TWR, is that our traffic, on our 12 o'clock?
-Falcon 2345, affirm, that's the one.
-We think we might be a little close, you want us to make a go-around?
-Negative, he's local traffic, if he isn't of at A1, he won't get a takeoff clearance the next few days.


-IBLB-

[Skeleton]

Should I post this or not.... Some on here may recognise me and this will make there day!!

Early on in my career in the Deadloss Nimrod Simulator, me playing the "duty air traffic bod"

Aircraft is at high level (for a Nimrod) and calls me....

"S1M requesting clearance for Fanos"

I acknowleged his request, grabbed the high level en route chart and proceeded to look for "Fanos". Could I find it... could i heck.

Looked in the sim navaid database.. nothing.

Nevermind I thought time to call the Pilot instructor....

"Jock where the f*ck is FANOS?"

He creased up, tears rolling down his cheeks the lot. Then he pressed "pause" on the sim..... "sorry crew he says he cant find FANOS on the map" and they all cracked up to.

"Come on Jock where is it" I pleaded, my embarrasement by now acute.

"Its not a place you pillock" says Jock "They want clearance for "Flight Above Normal Operating Speed"

I nearly died!! :{

[leckhampton-flyer]

Flying into Galway one spring day a few years ago...

As we executed our 3rd missed approach, RVR 500M

G-XXXX - Tower, thats the 3rd missed approach and we've not seen the runway once, request divert to Shannon.

Galway Tower: (in a heavy irish accent) Sure, I don't blame you, I can't see it from here either!

[flyinGuppy]

I heard this one on my scanner, while waiting for a connection flight at Terceira, Azores (LPLA)

Tower: Sata 736 could you report the conditions on final, please?

Sata 736: there was light to moderate chop!

Tower: light to moderate turbulence?

Sata 736: I wouldn't call it turbulence, sir, it was more like a chop, light to moderate chop... But I rather be in Bahamas!

Tower: sorry say again?

Sata 736: I said I rather be in Bahamas...

Tower: Oh! Me too!

[Simon_Sez]

Mostly training traffic at Waterford due to the Aero Club and Pilot Training College basing there. Yesterday was particularly busy as there was 5 items of training traffic and two GA aircraft in the EIWF CTR in bound. No radar etc etc....

(GA Inbound): Squelch p£$% F£$% B$%&£"$ - (inaudible basically)

EIWF TWR: Eh...aircraft calling, transmission unreadable. You sound like you're sucking through the end of a hosepipe.

[sla]

At breakfast this morning, my 4 year old son was asking about when I start my "Air Traffic and Troll" training!

[chuckT]

heard at CPH last night... "Read back not correct, but its a good idea, so I changed my mind.... now taxi via"

[Chippie Chappie]

Love it ChuckT, will try it next time I get a clearance that I don't like :ok:

[visibility3miles]

A friend of mine is a female airline pilot.

Someone asked her young nephew if he wanted to be a pilot when he grew up.

He said "No, that's for girls."

:O

[Frunobulax]

vis3miles, that's a good one!

[proxus]

I know of a female first officer on a Metro who was mistaken for a flight attendant.

Actually, a little old lady complained to the company after the flight that the flight attendant on the little 19 seat Metro, had for the whole flight, stayed in the cockpit, talking to the pilot. :}

[JABBARA]

That treally happened somewhere in ME

A 300 pilot saw two dogs in the middle of runway just after lining up for take off and yelled on the radio with an American accent:

"Hey Tower, there are two f***ing dogs here in the middle of runway!"

ATCO in the tower, who is not native English speaker did not understand what the pilot exactly says and wanted to confirm:

"Sir, confirm two dogs are f***ing on the runway?":D

[visibility3miles]

Fruno, I'm not kidding!

She thought it was hilarious.

(But don't tell her nephew...)

[Floppy Link]

female first officer on a Metro who was mistaken for a flight attendant

I was having breakfast in a hotel in Guernsey - spotted my FO approaching - he was intercepted by an elderly lady who asked:

"Table for two, please" :O

well it was funny at the time:uhoh:

[Pierre Argh]

Someone asked her young nephew if he wanted to be a pilot when he grew up

I thought the two were mutually exclusive?

[jokova]

Apropos of the two dogs engaged - there was once a man of infinite jest , who brought much lightness of heart and levity to the skies, the bars and widely scattered airfields of the Sunburnt Country. I had the honour and fortune to have known Chris Braund passingly well. There's a book, 'Laughter on the Wing' containing among it's stories several priceless Braundian broadsides, ones contributed over the years to the magazine that collated and published this rich miscellany.

Chris was in the wheelhouse of his 'Three' coming into Mascot (Sydney Kingsford Smith). It was early fifties when the 'able baker charlie dog' phonetic alphabet had just been changed to the current one. Tower told Chris to continue approach, "two dogs on the runway". Chris replied with his characteristic sharpness and stammer - "D- don't you mean two d- deltas?"

Chris enjoyed singular rapport with the blokes in Sydney Tower and could bring a smile to even the most hard bitten by- the- bookers. Broken Bay just north of Sydney was where you first called the tower inbound. At the time the brand name 'Sydney Flour' was widely popularised on the wireless with the jingle : "Sydney Flour is our flour. We use it every day. . . . . for cakes and scones that mother bakes. . . "

Chris's initial call became a 'standard' that identified him even as he drew breath, keying his mike and singing:

"S- Sydney Tower is our tower, we c- call you every day. Th- this is Echo Whisky Alpha, over B- broken Bay."

The first turbine powered aircraft to enter airline service in Australia was the Vickers Viscount. One morning Chris was outside the terminal, sitting up in the old 'Three', waiting for off, when the newly introduced Viscount, taxying out for departure, called to say they had to come back in.

Tower asks: "Are your ops normal?" Viscount says: "Sure. Hostie's just told us something's on the blink in the toilet. Nothing critical."

"Wh-what's that?", comes over the wireless, "th-thought you'd got rid of your p-pis-tons."

(Send a PM if you want a copy of 'Laughter on the Wing'. S-send in the c-clowns if you want your mind taken off p-pomposity and p-political incorrectness.)

[ADCAPP]

Heard on R/T when i was a trainee, about to take a hand over.

Shorts 360 on final (nice sounding, female pilot):ok: , Sikorsky S-61 turns downwind circuit training.

ATC (to S-61)
"XXXX, you're number 2, follow the Shorts 360 on final."

S-61 pilot (quick as you like)
"Roger, after the lady drops her shorts i'll slot in behind her with my big chopper!":E

[jokova]

. . . . hoots ADCAPP, but ye're a quair uncouth lot up there roond the brakes and the bens.

Stand by for the three-holer freighter from the Great South Land on it's way to Prestwick (and you'd be havin' a pun with that too I'd wager.) When the doors open, make your way to the ventral entry, avoid raising your kilt at all costs, and when the loadmaster says to y' "Open your wallet y' spalpeen , and say after me, "HELP YOURSELF", do not argue the point

[ADCAPP]

Aye!, it's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht th'nicht!

Jokova where's yer troosers!:ok:


A student on our approach procedural course tried this on the simulator at ATC college.

Student
"G-XXXX, climb flight level 60"
--no response--
"G-XXXX, climb flight level 60"
--no response--

Student (somewhat nervously)
"G-XXXX, Approach?"
--no response--

Instructor to student
"I'll give you a clue.....do you think his radio might have failed?"

Student (intends to apply the speechless procedure)
"G-XXXX, Approach, if you are receiving this transmisson click once for YES. If you ARE NOT receiving this transmission, click twice for NO"

Sim Pilot
"(click) (click)"

The instructor almost folded in half. It then took both the Student and Sim Pilot another minute to realise what had just happened, just enough time for the instructor to wipe the tears away!

D'oh!:\

[jokova]

. . . . for every time taxying out with half a dozen captive sightseers, looking wide- eyed and expectant after they've clamped their headsets on and
driver- airframe says softly looking each in turn right in the eye, "Just testing. These Dick Smith headsets have been playing up a bit today - would you shake your head if you can't hear me at all?"

The only time this routine backfires is when some Edward de Bono taps you on the shoulder and throws some aviation related mind-stretching conundrum or riddle straight back.

[M609]

STCA, Bill Gates style!

http://home.online.no/~anderfo/Div/57345.gif

[neilmac]

Keep the jokes coming!!!
yours Bored at
ATC Basrah

[Little One]

during LVP ops at FAJS the RVR readers failed which in essence closed the airport. when we started getting flights out again we realised that a lot of crews had duty time constarints so the GMC controller went to each crew to ask how much duty time thay had so we could try help. The one SAA crew response was

"No ma'am we fine as long as you can get us back in time for the Rugby this Afternoon"

Really shows where our passion lies but never the less got a smile from an otherwise unhappy GMC Controller

[SLF3]

My nine year old son recently announced his career choice: he wants to fly A380s for Air France:

'Dad, I'll earn lots of money, live in Paris, work half as many hours as you and most of the time it will fly itself.'

Have to say I was quite proud.

[Jerricho]

M609

THAT is one of the funniest things I have ever seen!!!! Thank you :ok:

[Pierre Argh]

many years ago... it's very quiet. A controller gets an initial call on UHF from a Nimrod requesting radar service...

but before he can answer gets another call from the same callsign, different voice, on VHF asking the same thing...

brilliant quick thinking, controller turns off VHF and gives a turn for ident to the left. The quickly switches UHF off and VHF on, and gives an ident turn to the right!!!

Radar return seen to fly straight ahead for 4-5 miles then third voice comes over the air... "Nice one, you got us there!"

[JonWhitehouse]

Was getting to dusk an I was listening in to local freq. Heard the following exchange between instructor in flight and AFIS.
FIS: "G-**** do you require runway lights for your approach?"
Instr: "Ahh.. negative, we'll be ok G-****"
FIS: "Oh good, cos we dont have 'em on that runway!"
lol
JW

[Little One]

A few days back heard the strangest question for our Rugby Mad Nation

UAE*** inbound gets taken off the arrival for shorter routing.

After turning on to the heading replies

"Radar UAE*** got time for a quick question?"

ATC and Exec preper to use vast aviation knowledge and say go ahead

Uae reply "Is Jake White still the coach"

Total confusion between the 2 of us behind the radar then realise that the press had rumoured that if Our Boks didn't win on Sat Our national Coach was supposed to quit. Luckly our team won.

Well was very funy for us

[frostbite]

Heard at Southend Air Show, couple of years ago:-

Pleasure flight helicopter pilot to passing Chinook from the display

"Give us a lift"

"Inside or outside?"

[richarjm]

Told by an ex RAF Colleage;
Female Fast Jet pilot on long finals following flap motor problems and worried about stopping.
'**** Tower, ****23 My flaps are a bit sticky. Will have to use the RHAG.
Laugh, I nearly sh@t

For info RHAG is Hook arrestor Gear

[yarrayarra]

At Moorabbin a student was conducting Xwind circuits on a grass strip- ATC forgot about her.
"Tower ABC ready and waiting on the grass"
Unknown voice:
"Great is your gear down and locked"

Another female student pilot on solo navex from Moorabbin.
"Request airways clearance and request to be routed via Wangaratta"
Unknown:
"Madam you may be routed anywhere in Australia"

[KBOS]

Well... i might be considered crayz, but I just read all 45 pages... took me about 7 hours. I almost forgot to have a smoking break! Hilarious stuff guys. Keep them coming!

Take care!

Chris

[richarjm]

Me, Two days ago after a long day. It's good to laugh at yourself.
Me: Prestwick Tower G**** is left base RW31
Twr: Roger G** cleared final RW31 No.1 Qnh 1031
Me: Roger cleared final no1 RW 10, RW 31, stand by.
pause to collect thoughts,
Me: Cleared final 13 number eh, stand by.
Me: Cleared 10 er G** has lost powers of speech.
Twr: I knew what you meant.
:O

[Ranger 1]

Just 30 mins ago.
ASU: Approaching A-2 for the Runway Inspection
TWR: Enter 27 from A-2 ASU.
ASU: Tower, ASU just holding off the Runway inspection, just chasing off a cat from A-2.
TWR: Roger ASU you are still cleared to enter 27, report when entering.
ASU:Report when entering 27.
TWR: ASU stop chasing the Pussy!! :E (from 2nd controller in tower at the time who could not resist it.)
A few wide grins aboutthe place in sure:ok:

[sgsslok]

I always had trouble finding good aviation R/T humor on the net... this threat solved my problem!

As a pilot myself, I have heard of or encounter a few of those amusing moments, and please allow me to shear it with you all.

First two is actually the same controller from Jax Approach, and it happened within 10 minutes while I was flying a 172 from Jacksonville, Florida to Macon, Georgia.

First one:
Comair 123, "Comair 123 checking in FL 250, we have whiskey, looking for a visual runway 7."
Approach, "I wish I have that..."

Second one:
Mooney, "Jax Approach, Mooney...(garbled)...... requesting...(garbled)......"
Approach, "Last aircraft calling, say again callsign. Your transmission is garbled and unreadable."
Mooney(seem frustrated, thus in a louder voice), "Jax Approach, Mooney 12....(garbled).................."
Approach, "Last aircraft calling, speaking louder doesn't make it clearer."

Finally, this is a legend at my flight school, which supposedly happened a few years before I enrolled.

Female Student Pilot, "Craig Ground, Skyhawk 54321 with information charlie, VFR southbound, ready for taxi."
Ground, "Skyhawk 54321, give way to the fokker ahead, taxi to runway 23."
Student, "er... okay... I will taxi to runway 23, give head to the fokker away......"


-Lok

[BOH]

This happened last week at Bournemouth

Tower: Coastguard, are you able to use the Southern Taxiway to complete your manoeuvres.
Coastguard: Uh...I'l do what ever you want me to.
Tower: If it's good for you then it's good for me.
Coastguard: I can't believe you just said that.
Tower: I know...I feel a 'lil bit dirty myself.

[Everything Flows]

This happened this evening. If you've ever wondered what we're up to when we say 'sorry I was on the landline', then this is for you.

*ring*

Me: "Humberside radar"

Manch: "Manchester East co-ordinator, level please, KLM XXXX"

Me: "Hmm *rummage*... I don't have a strip for a KLM XXXX"

Manch: "Huh?... Oh god, it's going to Teesside you pillock!"

Me: "Heheh. Yes, entirely my fault for not being Teesside."

Manch: "Sorry, not you, I was talking to this idiot beside me."



The poor chap was still getting abuse for it when they called for a level on the next inbound. :)

[catocontrol]

The last Boeing for the night landed at ENEV. On their way to gate 30, the pilot said:

CNOXXXX:"Ehhh...can you see the running rabbit in front of us?"

I was confused, but i saw a small shaddow running like h... in front of the plane, and I said:

TWR:"CNOXXXX yes i do, ehh...the rabbit is on its way to gate 28, no conflict"

CNOXXX:"Ah, thank you, have a good evening"
:cool:

[Atcham Tower]

This must have been a Rabbit Exit Taxiway.

[NudgingSteel]

Did the crew file a "Hareprox"?

[roundwego]

Not much point filing a hareprox - hare today gone tomorrow

[catocontrol]

Well those animals are hare and there:p

[medh2o]

While Pilot training in NZ, was following a Chinese Student Pilot in the circuit on his first solo flight (the airport is NZ's busiest non-controlled). From memory, there were in excess of ten a/c in the circuit at the time, so very busy.

When he turned onto final approach he obviously got the "AAAAHHHH" bug when transmitting......

(In HEAVY Chinese accent):

"AAAAHHHH... Ardmore...AAAAHHHH....TRAFFIC....XYZ123, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH...Oh, it's OK...Already Landed!!!!:p:D

[er340790]

JAR Student Pilot on first flight to Controlled Airport in FL, US.

"Hello Lakeland Tower. I am a Cessna ................."

[hot_pitot]

Okay... that was fun. I've read all 46 pages and I can hardly believe this wasn't posted before:

(if it was you may now punish me)

After a very pumpy landing of a 737 which some would have considered as two or three landings in total, a vigorous flight attendant headed for the com and told the passengers:

"...Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain seats while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the gate..."

(Dunno if this ever happend.. .but would be funny though) :E

------------------

One morning at Munich:

LH123: "Munich Clearance, Lufthansa123 Good Morning, ready to copy "
ATC:"Errr. roger LH123 Stand by.."
ATC:"... ah ... LH123 we don't have your flighplan, say destination."
LH123: "Well, like every tuesday morning it is Dresden, LH123."
ATC:".. ah LH123 you know...today it's Monday..."
LH123:".... /$§&%§ but on Monday we're off duty!"


Greetz.
Keep it up!! :ok:

[iskandra]

Wow, thank you so much for all 46 pages of ATC humour...I read all 46 of them in three sittings (with loo breaks, and to get some more tissue for wiping my eyes....)
Keep 'em coming!

[Pierre Argh]

talking about rabbits... (although not strictly ATC humour) I like this, allegedly, true story....

A pilot reports after landing that he had had collided with a rabbit at 10,000ft... no one believes it, and although the pilot is adamant that he saw a rabbit flying towards him just before it impacted on the windscreen, the accident is put down to a bird-strike. Then analysis of the remains clearly reveals it was a rabbit.

It is proposed that a large bird of prey was probably carrying said rabbit, got scared and jetisoned his lunch to aid his escape manouevre... plummeting rabbit fell right into the path of the approaching jet.... Goodnight Bunny!

[N5528P]

Comair 123, "Comair 123 checking in FL 250, we have whiskey, looking for a visual runway 7."

Regarding having ATIS information Whisky: At Falcon Field where I got my PPL (KFFZ) we frequently reported to ground in groups of three or four aircraft all going to the same destination.

The first one reported "Whisky on board" - the rest reported Jack Daniels, Jophnny Walker and Jim Beam on board.

But I think that crossed every pilots mind.

Regards, Bernhard

[tori chelli]

don't know if it's apocryphal, but the story always went that information Whiskey was referred to as "The booze news"...usually in an American accent!
Tori

[GOLF-INDIA BRAVO]

Many years ago a cessna used to transit the Manchester freelane with callsign G-AWWW but used to call Golf triple scotch
quite often

G-I-B

[Spunk]

A couple of years ago a good friend of mine had an engine failure in a helicopter.

Him: "... Tower, (callsign) engine failure, I'm going down."
Tower: "ok, do so."

After making a successful autorotation to the ground but being out of sight:

Tower: " ..., do you need any (medical) assistance?"
Him: " Ohhh, thanks for asking but I have the mechanic, being responsible, with me."

:ok:

[Uncommon Sense]

it may already be buried in this voluminous thread....but....


Recall a story of a boeing or some such taxying to the old Brisbane International Apron ( a journey in itself ), and advised to Tower that they were stopping due a large flock of ducks running around the Apron area - apparently being chased by ground handlers (?).

Tower quick as wink - "Roger when ready taxi to the bay at your discretion - caution Drake Turbulence "

[Little One]

1st was the Radar Controller vectoring in a military aircraft that had gone out on a test flight.

The callsign was ***08 which is usually used by the Hawk test pilots but today was a C130.

So vectoring the Herc to downwind the ATC without checking what aircraft type it is asks "For our planning will you be deploying your drag chute on landing" still thinking its a hawk.

This is met by great laughter by those around him as we point out it is a C130. Lucky for him the comment was as expected not understood by the Herc crew and there answer was just say again to which he replied disregard rather sheepishly.

2nd saw this FPL when We went to go enter the above sin into the lines Book.

Airforce Herc as well:
(FPL-****-IM
-C130/M-GUD**** /S
-FAWK1200
-N0300F210 MEV DCT LTV/N0300F170 DCT HSV/N0300F200 DCT MEV DCT
-FAWK0300 FALM
-OPR*** RMK/ILS APP FALM FAHS)

Great to see we keep the best equipment onboard.

[teeteringhead]

Speaking of "Information Whiskey" ......

... just after the last Rugby World Cup, the RAAF was providing military ATC at Baghdad Airport in the aftermath of GW2...

... but for the RAF transports, the ATIS after Victor became on at least one occasion: "Information Wilkinson":ok:

[Yankee_Doodle_Floppy_Disk]

Many years ago a cessna used to transit the Manchester freelane with callsign G-AWWW but used to call Golf triple scotch

There used to be a Lake Amphibian on the Kiwi register ZK-WWW.

It returned to home base one day slung below a helicopter and with a big ding evident in the nose.

This led to speculation that it had become a Triple Scotch on the Rocks. [insert sound of drum roll followed by cymbals].:rolleyes:

[larssnowpharter]

Probably not in the infamous Gutersloh line book:

Glider from the local (Pegasus) gliding club with pilot recovering from 200km fast triangle flight or something:

Glider: Good afternoon Gutersloh. Glider XYZ overhead blah di blah requesting final glide approach grass parallel runway XX.

GUT: XYZ hold present location for outbound traffic.

Glider: Holding. (pauses). Gutersloh request contact Pegasus for surface recovery. Grid ref to follow.

[OLNEY2d]

A Monarch 757 on an empty positioning flight back to Luton from Bristol lines up and holds ready for a departure to the West initially. Bear in mind the mighty '75' is capable of some v impressive climbs even when laden.

After t/o clearance is issued:

757 (PF) to ATC: "Watch this !"


Made me grin - we never quite seem to grow up



(The former Bristol controller who recounts the tale reckons the a/c was passing FL100 by the time it reached the procedural turn to the North - which is a pretty tidy performance.)

[Wannabe Flyboy]

A F50 captain is complaining about his routing into Amsterdam: "I'm seeing parts of Holland I've never seen before" he moaned.

ATC replied:"If you don't shut up, you'll be seeing parts of Germany!".

[GOLF-INDIA BRAVO]

Made me laugh today

VLM Fokker F50 on his way in to MAN
asked if he wanted to go to 10 miles centrefix
Answer was he didn`t think he could as not modern enough technology But would give it a try with this little Fokker!!!!!!!!

I guess it most have been the accent

G-I-B

[Atcham Tower]

After a departing aircraft reported hitting a bird, the guy from the Bird Control Unit searched the runway and said: "I've had a good look and it seems to be a multiple birdstrike, or a very rare bird with three feet!"

[2beers]

Earlier this summer I was on a photo-flight near the arrival end of the rwy in Vaasa, Finland (EFVA). We were mostly around 200ft agl and about a km off the centreline in our H269 and the weather wasn't CAVOK but ok.
Having spent a few days in the area I knew that the airlines flying there were either Aero flying ATR 72's or Blue1 flying SAAB 2000's. Both companies have white aircraft with a blue tail.

I heard on the radio that IFR-traffic was inbound and TWR told us to move away. We did and shortly after, the IFR-traffic called downwind with rwy in sight for a visual appch. With the traffic in sight I called up to get back to work near the rwy, but had missed the callsign of the approaching traffic...

ME: O-xx have the SAAB on downwind in sight and request clearance over our previous area, staying clear of the final.
TWR: It's an ATR
ME: Yeah... But he wishes he was SAAB! :E
TWR(short pause): Yep... O-xx you're cleared previous area.


Got me smiling anyway.

/2beers

[Frunobulax]

OK, quick poll: who drives a Saab?

:D

[stue]

im not an ATCO but am a private pilot and have been in stiches reading these pages, keep them coming!

As for the poll, Mini cooper s all the way!:D :D :D

[The AvgasDinosaur]

Having trawled the entire thread I'm surprised this LHR gem has escaped repetition.
Heard one day when 28L was in use for departures at about the time British Midland were painting their aircraft dark blue.
ATC "Midland 123 line up 28L and cleared take off"
BD123 "Cleared line up take off"
ATC "Speedbird 019 (A Concorde) behind the departing Midland line up and hold
BA 019 Awfully far back "Is that the blue one"
ATC "Afirm"
ATC "KLM 145 behind the departing Concorde line up hold caution reheat and wake"
KL145 As laid back as only the dutch can "Is that the white one?"
Sadly no riposte from Nigel.
Be lucky
David

[sgsslok]

This is copied from 'Short Finals' section at AVweb.com...

Overheard during fleet week practice over the San Francisco Bay;

Nor Cal Approach: Bonanza 1-2-3-4, opposite direction traffic at your 1 o'clock, five miles, five hundred feet above you, Blue Angels flight of two.

Bonanza 1-2-3-4: Negative contact, say again type traffic.

Nor Cal: Two F-18s, blue and yellow. Currently at your one moving to two o'clock ... make that three o'clock ... um ... traffic no longer a factor. Caution, wake turbulence.



Lok

[Little One]

I was working FAJS Radar when a JS41 get airborne and calls

Johannesburg Tower LNK*** airborne... Ah Correction that should be Johannesburg Radar. I'm so sorry

Now we change sectors so often i can't remember my callsign half the time so I reply "You cand call me anything I still have to respond Identified under Radar control climb ...."

The JS41 pilot replies "Ok TRACY thanks for that climbing FL..."

I was in stitches after that

BTW my name aint Tracy

[Pointer]

Just heard this last week in GLA, we where waiting for Pushback and we overheard the following radio transmition btwn "British" and the rest of the world!

Gnd; British### you are cleard push and start

British; "Now this always happens when you are getting breakfast"

Gnd;"Breakfast?? What's that?"

Some one else; "we don't even HAVE Breakfast"

etc...

didn't hear him complain about it again hahahahaha

[kontrolor]

Pilot: TWR XXX, could you give us a rough time-check?
TWR: It's monday

A german airliner in Munich asking for start-up in german. The TWR controller replys:"Sir, if you want to get something, you have to speak english!"
Pilot: "Vai mast aj spik inglish, Im Zherman pilot in ze zherman airplane in ze midle of ze Zhermany!
Beofre TWR could answer, there was a cockney voice over R/T:
"Coz we won the bloody war!"

[charlie-india-mike]

Heard on the Heathrow Approach frequency on Friday 4/11 at about 22:15

Air Canada xxxx 767 approaching Bovingdon FL800 inbound to LHR.

Now that is one hell of a decent profile my man. Hope you made it down ok.


C-I-M

[JonWhitehouse]

One heard earlier:

Close to dusk one evening at small airfield
A/c: ''G-xxxx overhead 2000' etc...'
FIS: '' G-xx roger, report downwind rwy 28, do you require runway lights for this approach?
A/c: Ahhh, negative, we'll be ok, report downwind 28 G-xx
FIS: Oh good, 'cos we dont have any for 28!

JW

[HGFC1]

A recent radio exchange between a FISO and two FIs whom he had difficulty in distinguishing over the radio:
FISO: "Is that Bill or Ben?"
FI1: "It's Bill."
FI2 (Ben) without pausing to draw breath: "The less good-looking one!"
FISO: "That's so cruel!"

[Ready Immediate]

After a recent go around at Sydney due to severe over shoot shear on short final the captain made an announcement as to what had happened and why, but not to worry because "we practice this three times a year in the simulator". All of the passengers burst out laughing and some were heard discussing whether three times was enough. Maybe he should have stuck to a generic "many times".

RI

[BN2A]

Heard on a black night on NAT 'T'...

123.45 has the Americans asking each other about the College football results. Followed by Brits asking about Premiership results. Followed by:-

Aircraft #1 - "Does anyone know who won the light heavyweight championship title in Las Vegas?"

Aircraft #2 - Eh? And other words showing misunderstanding..

Aircraft #1 - "I was asking about the boxing title fight in Las Vegas last night.."

Aircraft #3 - "Who cares?"

Aircraft #4 - "I think Celine Dion won on points against Elton John..."

:uhoh:

[Crash and Burn]

An en-route Air Ambulance (organ collectiong flight) en-route was told by a controller that the transplant team no longer needed his services and was asked for his intention. The Captain replied "I'll go back home then and requesting to divert", the controller promptly gave a clearance and transferred him to the previous sector where a very cute female voice awaited his arrival.

Unfortunately, the exact circumstances of the Air Ambulance's diversion were not explained to the female controller and 'to be on the safe side' wondered if this aircraft had an emergency. As the aircraft 'checked-in' the female controller asked if he wished to declare and emergency, which prompted the follwoing response "Nope, I am just having trouble finding my organ!". This sparked off a few other equally interesting comments from other crews - order was restored a few minutes later.

Scottish 123.77 a little while ago.

[PhoenixRising]

Heard this while waiting at the holding point of Rwy 10 at Dubin recently, with an Air Canada 767 on final.

Twr: 'Air Canada 123, cleared to land runway 10, wind 150 degress 10 knots'.

AC123: 'Roger, cleared to land runway 10'.

a few seconds later.....

AC123: 'Tower for your information, wind at 1000ft is 220 at 30 knots'.

Twr: 'Well it's lucky you're landing on the ground then'.

[Poison35]

I heard this story from some veterans of days gone by:
One dark moon evening, as a military atc was reading his novel in the tower of his airfield, situated in the middle of the bush, somewhere in Africa, awaiting the return of 2 Impala jets from a night strike.......he was suddenly shook out of his story by the 2 Impala jets returning early and overflying the tower by a few inches without any navigation lights on. As they pitched up to position onto a downwind for the landing the radio sounded: "Guess who?".
The atc stood up from where he fell off his chair, switched off the runway and airfield lights and replied on the radio:"Guess where?".

[Austrian Simon]

Overheard on Salzburg tower a couple of years ago (paraphrased from memory) ...

Cessna 150: Salzburg Tower, xxx, overhead Hallein at 4000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: xxx, continue to Glasenbach.

Two minutes later

Chopper: Salzburg Tower, yyy, overhead Hallein at 3000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: yyy, continue to Glasenbach.

30 Second later:

Tower: OExxx, a helicopter will - how shall I put it? - undertake you in a few moments.

Servus from Salzburg
Simon

[Agent Mulder]

Heard out of CHC recently.

Controller: Qantas xx Flxxx no longer available.

Qantas xx: Considering our preflight request and faster aeroplane shouldn't we have preference?

Controller: I don't know the rules.

Air New Zealand: What was thet? Iz thet Warren?

Qantas: I haven't had a laugh for a while, say "fish and chips or better still would you like to buy a vowel (aka Wheel of Fortune)"

[HGFC1]

Very early on when I first started to learn to fly I was unfamiliar with the fact that there are no holding points on one runway for an intersecting runway so having completed the pre-take off checks I happily announced "G- **** holding ... err.................." and, forgetting to remove thumb from switch, continued to my FI: "where am I?" to the great amusement of the person in the tower.:O

[SlippingRight]

One of Richard Branson's 747s bashing the circuit.

Local flying club CFI "Not often we have a virgin in the circuit".

OK I know it's not that original but things have been getting quiet around here!

[Doug E Style]

Details may not be spot on but the essence is there.
Two parallel queues of aircraft waiting to line up on 27L at Heathrow (holds N1 and N2) and being given conditional clearances. Near the front of one queue is a 737 of Poland's flag carrier.

Tower: Airline XYZ, after the LOT on your right, line up and wait 27 left.
Airline XYZ (newish F/O): Er, do you mean all of them?

[Lon More]

From Avweb today, an oldie, apologies if posted earlier

ATC: F1243, desend and maintain 12-thousand.

F1234: 12-thousand, F1234.

ATC: F1234, can you make it to 12 in one minute?

(short pause)

F1234: Negative. The captain requests I inform you we're going as fast as this Fokker will go.

(silence)

ATC: ...Right. Lufthansa 456, turn right heading 330, please


BTW any of the other grey haired hear remember "The Outbound Calypso"? from LATCC in the late 1960s
The chorus was, "Hey Ho, man alive, open up de throttles and climb to five."

[jessie13]

Was flying in an Oz Army Huey a few years ago doing IF training, heading for Maroochydore (bare with me I'm a tradie!)

ATC: "Iroquois 484, maintain heading contact approach 7 miles DME"
Iroq 484: " Maroochy, we do not have DME"
ATC: "okay 484 7 miles on you GPS"
Iroq 484: " Maroochy, we don't have GPS"
ATC: " What equipment do your have to fly IFR then?"
Iroq 484 " Normally a white cane and a guide dog"
ATC: "sounds like our tower!"

[Lock n' Load]

Two recent occasions on which I've got the better of pilots....

Me: "JZAxxxx, turn left heading 260 to intercept Jet 508 on course"

JZAxxxx: "uh, we've got the RNAV today; can we go direct somewhere?"

Me: JZAxxxx, cleared direct somewhere"



And another, while talking to a King Air that was VFR within a practice area (Class F restricted airspace) and I was giving traffic info since I wasn't busy. The King Air was manouvering just enough to make it tricky...

Me: "XXX, traffic in your 12.30, 6 miles, westbound, indicating same altitude unverifed... er, now it's in your 11.30"

XXX: "Okay, we're looking"

Me: "XXX, now it's in your 1 o'clock, 4miles, make that your 1.30"

XXX: "Is that ZULU time or local?"

Me: "He's moving pretty fast so it must be ZULU; he's 7 hours ahead"

Fits of giggles were then heard....

[the hunted one]

Whilst training (long enough ago that no-one will connect this incident with me I hope!) I had a situation where I had a training PA31 on the ILS, with a 748 catching him rapidly, making it highly likely that the trainer would have to be broken off his approach.

I told the PA31 pilot....

"I may have to pull you off, as you are about to be taken from behind by a budgie"....

:O

[Pierre Argh]

Controller "We're expecting him at about 11:30 local"
Caller "What's that in Zulu?"
Controller "Isikhathi yisigamu emva kwehora leshumi nanye"

Boom... boom!

[Tarq57]

Overheard long ago, and since used without permission:

(Tower) " You'll have to squeeze the button and talk into the mike, I can't understand you if you just nod and smile."


Another real oldie.

(ATC) "UTA ### report flight conditions"

"UTA### zay again pleeze"

"UTA### are you VMC or IMC"

"Ahh...we are in and out of zee bottoms."

(QFA##...Broad Aussie accent) "Viva la sport, mate."

[chiglet]

An "inadvertant" tx......[should have been on intercom "You are allowed Three Fck ups per day, WE have done two"
Quick as a whatsit......."There's your third one " :ok:
watp,iktch

[Angrel]

A/C: 'XXX Approach, were a flight of 2 harriers approaching......we ...uh.... forgot our callsign.''

ATC: Roger, no problem. Adopt the callsigns; 'Stupid 1' and 'Stupid 2'!

[xetroV]

Overheard this in LHR last week:

Heatrow GND: "KLM1001, give way to the Air France A319 from the right"
KLM: "Give way to the company traffic from the right, KLM1001"
Heatrow GND: "KLM1001, contact Tower 118.x, Au Revoir!" :rolleyes:

[Hughie]

Private pilot here, who also flies >100K/yr on United-- the only airline with ATC on the entertainment system. I always listen, at least for the 80% of flights that the captains are believers and turn it on.

3-4 yr ago on a flight out of ORD, we had pushed back, bad weather, everybody backed up, 50 of you guys all calling for pushback, taxi, or whatever, everybody having trouble getting heard. Female voice comes on with something like "OK, everybody listen up. No replies! United 123, Bravo something, zulu something, left on whatever, hold short at X. Delta 456, do this that and the other to runway something. United 789, give way to company on your right, then follow him. Air Wisconsin xxx, do a, b, c and d." And so on for close to a minute, then "OK, do it!" Silence for 5-10 seconds. Then a lone (male) voice "Everybody still got 'em?" and reply "Dunno, man, afraid to look." True story!

HHH

[Frunobulax]

This is a real one:

An radar approach controller, who is know to always have something funny to say works by the display with quite a heavy traffic. One of the aircraft asks for METAR or sth like that, which is displayed on another monitor.
The reply from the controller is as follows (still makes me laugh):
-Stand by, I have to wear my glasses. :O

[MakeItHappenCaptain]

Flying first lesson with fresh Air Force Cadet and asked him, "So where do you want to go with your flying?"
He replies, "I want to fly fighters with the Air Force!"
Very short time later I took over to avoid leaving the training area.
While turning he asks, "How many g's are we pulling?"
Reply, "About 1.4."
Response, "I don't like g's!"
Wrong career, Sunshine!:cool:

[P|_azbot]

cut and paste from another forum but it should be here as well



Doing some skydiving outta BB in a Senecca II, i had this Canadian girl 'visiting' me for a bit and anyway, time for her to go home, and her flight left from BNE International. I only had a motorbike at the time, so we got up early, and chucked the door back on the Senecca and whizzed up to BNE.
This is the bit where I agree with CAPT H, the BNE ATC are probably the most helpful, friendly and funny bunch of controllers I have dealt with...
Advised to take the high speed taxiway to left "keep that little thing cranking along" I was asked if I wanted directions to the GA park... I then told them, I had a pax for an international flight... the reply "Rrrrriiiggggghhhttttt... hold posistion" 5 minutes later, I was directed to bay 78 at the international terminal!!! Slotted the senny inbetween a Thai a/w's 777 and QF 747, unloaded everything, and she was escorted round the other side by the nice customs people! During this time, EVERYBODY came over for a look, and windows in the flightdecks above me had a steady procession of surprised faces in them!!
Goodbyes said, I jumped into the plane and listened to ATIS, noting that a push-back approval was required, which I requested!! They laughed, said "Push back approved, and we want to see how you are going to do that.
I jumped out, pushed the senny back by hand around 20 feet, jumped in, started up and requested taxi clearance!
Taxied out to the active, and they asked me (snickering!!)if "required the full length of the runway? I told them that since I being charged landing fees, I am going to get the most out of them, and that yes, I would line up at the threshold!
Safely airbourne, BNE centre warned the approaching 747 for wake turb for the departing Senecca!! Very funny...

[RatsoreA]

Reading this thread and thought of another one that happened to me in the late 90's.

Flying a single engine charter in a Piper Dakota from sydney to Lismore, and on approach into Lismore Eastern 1717 (I think... anyway a QF Dash 8) was catching me from behind.

Controller advised Eastern

BNE CN: Eastern 1717 Traffic your 11 0 clock 6 miles a DC3, 6500 for Lismore.

ESTN 1717: Ahh, looking...

ABQ (Me): Ahhh, centre, we are a PIPER Dakota, not a DOUGLAS dakota...

BNE CN: Right... Eastern 1717: Traffic half an Aztec 11 oclock 4 miles 5900...

ABQ (Me): Touche, Brisbane Centre...

[Lock n' Load]

So there was VQP (or something like that), a LR35 whose flightplan went via FUDGY.....

Me: "Victor Quebec Fudgy, cleared direct..... I mean Victor Quebec Papa, cleared direct Fudgy on course"

VQP: "Roger, Fudgy on course"

Me: West Jet 73, Centre now on 132.05"

West Jet 73: "Terminal... [giggles] um.. [more giggles] ahhh [giggles continue]... sorry, what was that frequency again?"

Me: [now also giggling] 132.05, and Fudgy's what his friends call him!"

[Angrel]

overheard on a frequency somewhere in the southwest!!

atc: gxxxx are you familiar with xxx as published?
gxxxx: affirm.
atc: roger, ils approach minima 200ft. Report cockpit checks complete.
gxxxx: ah.....roger.

the pilot then left the tx switch on and we heard him as he turned to his passengers, '' Right shut it you lot, i've never done this before!''

[Angrel]

and another! southwest again!

just been handed over a mayday from D+D

A/C: Approach this is mayday vixen 1
App: Mayday vixen 1, good morning!! (said in annoyingly chipper voice!)
A/C: Thanks. I've had better.

thats true that is!

[Megamoto]

A true story...........

After an hour and a half of a US KC135 bashing the visual cct at an RAF station somewhere at the far end of the Med. A female has been doing all the radio calls and finally asks to land. As the 135 vacates and approaches the tower a male voice says

'A****** Tower @@@@ confirm dispersal and bay'
'@@@@ A***** Tower your parking blah blah blah'
'@@@@ thanks tower'

There was a pause, just to let them get abeam the tower and then

'I see you still had to get a man to park it........'


A little while later, when the bun fight out to the east was on, a USAF KC135 that was arriving in theater calls

'A****** Tower, Alaskan Airlines @@@ short finals to land'

Big thinks bubble........(from both of us)

'Your a long way from home.......Cleared to land.'


Working a a Whiltshire transport base

'L****** zone G-JRRR requesting a RIS'

'Romeo, Romeo, Romeo L****** Zone where for art thou?'

[Send Clowns]

Surely that would have been G-GRRR, the Sarum-based Bulldog. Great reg for 'dog. I'm not a sad spotter, just have flown the area a lot, flew UAS in Bulldogs and noticed teh reg!

[chasing767]

heard in Europe some time ago :
GND: Finnair 123 , taxi A to gate 26.
ACFT: A to 26 ,Finnair 123

after 1 minute :

GND: Finnair 123, you have just passed your gate.
ACFT: Upss, sorry Finnair 123....
GND: o'kay,turn left now and then taxi to your gate again.
ACFT : yeah,three-sixty to the left and taxi back to gate, Finnair 123

GND: I think one-eighty would be better.....
:) ch767

[jtor]

"Finnair 666K, proceed direct HEL."
"Direct HEL, 666K."

And of course HEL sounds HELL. It's a VOR beacon at Helsinki-Vantaa Airport and FIN666K is a flight from Copenhagen to Helsinki.
--

Lithuanian XXX is descending to FL70 and the controller gives a clearance to 3000 ft:
Controller: "Lithuanian XXX, descent to 3000 ft."
Lithuanian: "2000 ft, Lithuanian XXX."
Controller: "Lithuanian XXX, confirm 3000."
Lithuanian: "Confirming. 2000 ft, Lithuanian XXX."
Controller: "Negative. 3000 ft."
Lithuanian: "Yes, descending to 2000 ft, XXX."
Controller: "Lithuanian XXX. NEGATIVE! Descent to THREE thousand feet!"
Lithuanian: "YES, YES! Descending to TWO thoudsand feet!"
Controller: "Radar." (maybe the controller thought that let it be... 2000 ft is the altitude where the airplanes are cleared for the ILS-approach to one of the local rwys.)

I don't know what the problem was, we heard the conversation loud and clear. Even the numbers "two" and "three"...
--

Controller: "Finnair XXX, turn right heading 305."
FINXXX: "Heading 365, XXX."
Controller: "Yeah, you can try!"
FINXXX: "Hehe... Sorry, what was the heading?"

[error_401]

CGN Delivery:

XYZ Startup approved - you are cleared to Destination ABC via NOR 5P - squawk "fifty-fifty".




I love they'r dry sense of humor in CGN. :)

Unfortunately the proper reply came to my mind only after departure. I should have called: Start approved - NOR 5P - squawk "mezzo-mix".

P.S. Mezzo mix is a german mix soda from coke and orange limonade.

[just another pilot]

here's some i got for a friend.


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American XXX, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am XXX) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways XXX, call sign "Speedbird XXX".

Speedbird XXX: "Frankfurt, Speedbird XXX clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird XXX, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird XXX: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird XXX, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird XXX (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944! -- but I didn't land."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United XXX heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United XXX: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

[A V 8]

I fly at a small RAF airfield. At weekends, several flying clubs/organisations use the airfield and things can get quite busy. When ATC go for a lunch break, the Air Training Corps take over the freq and become a A/G station.

A light a/c departs a nearby airfield and calls up on our freq requesting a FIS. It's luchtime, so the A/G service is in use. Que the air cadet CFI:

"G-ABCD, XXXXXXXXXX Radio. ATC Closed blah blah blah. We have 2 aircraft airbourne, both on the ground!"

[niknak]

Heard today, (I know cos' I was there!....),

"xxxx tower, BCYxxx radio check"

"BCYxxxx, xxxxtower readibility 5"

"xxxx tower, BCYxxx radio check"

"BCYxxx, xxxxtower, I say again readibility 5"

"Dave, do you think the engineers will ever get this fu*king radio to work?".

[The Nr Fairy]

niknak - been there, done that !! Volume control turned down too low !

[rodan]

In a classroom of 7-8 year olds today, talking about airports and air traffic control:

Me: "So, can anyone tell me something else an air traffic controller might use at an airport?" (hoping for 'radar', 'windsock', 'runway lights' etc.)

Small Child: "An air hostess?"

[pulse1]

Overheard a couple of weeks ago:

Radar:: "G xxxx Good Morning. Pass your message."

G xxxx: " G xxxx Ummm Good Afternoon! Bla Blah Bla etc"

Radar: " Sorry. Good afternoon indeed. Doesn't time fly when you're in a coma?"

[jtor]

FINXXX: "We have the field in sight, ready for visual. And also traffic in sight, twenty to two o´clock."
ATC: "Heheh.. That was very sharp."
FINXXX: "Always."

[Avman]

Today.

Us: "KLM1234 we can offer you flight level 310, 330 or 390 today".

KLM1234: "370 would be nice".

:hmm: