ATC Humour (Merged)

[FougaMagister]

25 June 2001, while on a VFR nav flight from Ft. Pierce (KFPR) to Naples (KAPF) in Florida:

Me: "Naples Tower, Cessna 623PA, is now 5 miles West, visual with the field, joining downwind".

TWR: "623PA, roger, report over the courthouse".

Me: "Er... :confused: where is the courthouse, for 623PA?"

TWR: "First time in Naples, eh? OK, 623PA, report left base runway 14" :ok:

[niknak]

Gentleman of Bavarian extraction is booking out over the 'phone:

ATC: .......and finally, could you give me the souls on board, time enroute and fuel endurance.

Pilot: 2 pob, 4 hours and vot else vos it?

ATC: the fuel endurance.

Pilot: Sorry, vot?

ATC: Fuel endurance, how much fuel do you have on board - hours?

Pilot: hours? no my name is Hanz...

[harrier666]

This was a few years ago, I was a new CFI at a new airfield in a plane I'd only flown 2 or 3 times before with the Chief Pilot.

I was teaching the students a takeoff at a very busy airfield (Busiest single runway airport in the U.S. last time I checked).

"We use the rudder pedals to align ourself with the centerline, when we reach .. " etc etc through rotate. At this point I realized the normally very congested freq was silent...

Me: (release PTT)

ATC: Thank you for the wonderful takeoff lesson Nxxx

Me: You'll receive my bill at the end of the month. Please pay cash.

They still make fun of me for that one.

[ChampChump]

Heard at PHF, Va recently.


N..xx: 'Thanks for your help, guys...'


Tower: 'No trouble, N...xx. Tell all your friends.
Both of them.'

[FougaMagister]

Although it wasn't meant to be funny at the time;

28 August 2003, flying a PA-28 to Chalons-Vatry (LFOK) in France:

Me: "Vatry Tower, good afternoon. Cherokee F-GIEQ, 15 nm south, inbound from Troyes at 3,000 ft, QNH 1023, request rejoin for one touch and go".

Chalons TWR: "Good afternoon F-EQ. Runway 10 is in use, RH circuit, report downwind for touch and go. One Air France 777 doing circuit practice, caution wake turbulence".

No sh!t...

[HeathrowAirport]

Somebody sent this in an email to me btw.

Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!"
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."

From Luke Wray, August 2007 - From NAS Fallon NV, last week: A recently qualified Clearance Delivery operator was working a moderately busy period when a Navy DC-9 called, requesting clearance back to NAS Jacksonville, FL. The controller responded back to the pilot that the flight plan was not in the system. The controller hammered away at the FDIO with no success. The next transmission to the DC-9 was: "VVJV…, clearance, Mam your flight plan is not in the system, would you like to go back to Jax VFR? The pilot responded (while laughing) "No thanks, we'll file a flight plan.."

From Dr Hugh David, June 2007 - Some years ago I was checking the record of simulated air-ground communication in a Real-Time simulation at the Eurocontrol Experimental Centre. Towards the end of one simulation I came across the following:

French Simulator 'Pilot': "AF302 over NTM now."
German Controller "AF302 Roger. Report names of stewardesses."
FSP: "Claudette Colbert and Caroline Chose."
GC: "Colbert I know, but who is Chose?"
FSP: "You must know her, she was Alan Delon's third wife, between Truc and Nimporte!"
GC: "Ach, these French actors, they marry and unmarry, I cannot keep track!"
FSP: "Well, at least, the French actors, they marry VIMMEN!"
... (long pause) ...
GC: "AF302 continue descent as planned."


A story from a friend in BA. He was overflying Aden, and saw an Aeroflot freighter climbing out.
Heavily accented voice on frequency: "Hey, English, you used to have Aden?"
BA: "Yes, we did. Why?"
HAV: "Ve have had to overnight there, and you can have it back!"


Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply:

"Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom."
Anonymous voice on frequency: "Vive le sport!"


Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"


Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"


Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"


"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."

And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:

"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"

(Ack Dr Hugh David for the above)


From Brad White, June 2007 - One to share, from an uncle who was in the USAF until retiring several years ago. No other attribution unfortunately but here it is. A near miss occurred outside of Dulles International. The conversation went along these lines...

Pilot: "DAMN! That was close..."
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?"
Pilot (catching his breath), "Near miss- was he ever close!"
IAD Tower: "Delta 560, how close was it?"
Pilot: "Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it."

[niknak]

I suspect that this may be old and probably re written but this is how it was told to me:

Chinese gentleman is doing his ATPL in the USA with an established operator prior to going on to fly Air China B747s or similar:

"xxx tower, N123 Rocariser estbrished"

"N123 tower roger, continue approach, request your intentions..."

"xxx tower loger, contnue apploach and say rast bit again?"

"N123 request your intentions..."

"Say again tower?..."

Experienced U.S pilot intervenes and trys to assist....

"N123 from United 234, the tower want to know what you are going to next..."

"Ah loger! When I finished, I go home and fry big jet for Air China!...":p

[tggzzz]

Bless GA !
GA plane joining Kemble from the NW last week,
A/C "Confirm by your threshold you have gliders"?
FISO "Last time I looked they were 747s"
A/C "Ahh Roger ..............I ll reposition for your overhead again"
Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site
NM


Flying at that glider site (Aston Down) I can confirm that, and worse, happens only too frequently. Point of confusion is that the two fields have vaguely similar runways and are only 4 miles apart.

A couple of weeks ago a helicopter approached the control tower (i.e. the clubhouse) and buzzed around it like a wasp around a jam jar. He had the decency to phone up and apologise.

I've watched a GA plane line up and overfly the double decker bus, then realise Something Isn't Right, and do a circuit of the field rolling their wings left and right. Clearly the mental process is "where the hell am I".

Club legend has it that a B52 once lined up on the 6000' runway, before realising its mistake. However, the photo of the A320 parked outside the hangers is definitely a fake :)

The worst-case scenario is that a glider is going up on the winch on runway 21, when a GA plane overflies runway 09. As long as there isn't a collision, we theorise the glider would be OK; the GA plane might be sliced in two by the cable, but that's another issue.

[Lee_Strong]

Haha Nik! good one :P

[Lon More]

A Polish controller applied for one of the conversion courses at Eurocontrol. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Pole replied, "He was my Supervisor in Warsaw!"





good luck with the transfer guys

[Aviator_IT]

Lon More, you made my day. :D

[justlearning]

While working on my PPL(H), I was flying mostly in the early mornings, and got in a habit when I made my initial calls. Trying to be polite/pleasant with the controllers, I would start my call with a quick "Good Morning, Hillsboro Tower.....".

This was all fine and good, until I started to fly some later blocks in the day. At first it was just somewhat humorous, take off in the morning, my instructor would spend the next hour turning me around, challenging me, and sometimes I would forget that we were returning and it was afternoon. I was still making my calls "Good Morning Hillsboro Tower.....". Occasionally, the tower would make a quick correction, and a quick laugh was had by all.

Anyways, just after I had gotten my PPL(H), and was back after a couple weeks off, my instructor and I went out for a quick flight. I proceeded to our spot on the ramp, and finished my checks. Just as I am about to make my call, my instructor looks over, and jokingly says, "just remember, it's afternoon already".

Right.

Me: "Good Afternoon Hillsboro Tower, Helicopter XXXX at HAI with Bravo, requesting a south departure."

Tower (sounded like he was almost laughing): "Good Morning Helicopter XXXX, cleared for a south departure."

My instructor and I just looked at each other, and I tried not to chuckle while giving me readback.

I think they are making fun of me. :ouch:

[Orographic]

Overheard recently


twr: ABC , Rotorua Tower
ABC : ABC request taxi Rotorua, with information India, 1014, POB 1


I missed the rest , due to nearby laughter


Callsign changed to protect the distracted ( after all, while the humor deserves to be shared, there is no point slamming the poor guy too much )

[Sweet Potatos]

Heard today...

Heli calls up low level and as usual due to a bloody great big hill, we can't talk to him ....

ATC: Heli803 Could you relay traffic on yourself to low level company traffic G-XXXC
(Heli Relays - sterling effort, even got the QNH in, and then does it again off his own back to another A/C)

ATC: Heli803, thanks for that, if you would take a pay cut we could get you a job :ok: :}

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Lon More. No doubt you know Les West?? On the day of his last medical just before retirement he popped downstairs to the medical centre and had a mooch around. When the doc came to give him his eye test he asked Les to read to lowest line and Les said "10CA 234567". He'd mugged up the reference number of the sight test box and "read" the numbers, which were about 1/4" high!!! The doc was initially amazed.... but he knew Les and soon fell about!

[matsATC]

Brussels east controller calling to Maastricht Brussels south sector, where a female controller picks up the phone:

"SWR123 is requesting FL250 only for the cruise. Do you accept him at this level, it will be quite a pain in the ass?"

The lady, giggling: "yes of course, I'll take it!"

And that's when my colleague realised what he had just said...

You got to love the new instant replay function on our phone system!

[pdcta]

Happens to me few weeks ago...

Me: AircraftABC climb to and maintain FL330, further climb in 4 minutes due to opposite traffic above.
Pil: Climb to FL330, AircraftABC.
...
(STCA advisory on my radar due to high rate of climb)
Me: AircraftABC maintain FL330 when reaching opposit traffic above.
Pil: Maintain FL330 when reaching, AircraftABC.
...
(C Mode on my radar display FL320)
Pil: Approaching FL330 for higher, AircraftABC. :ugh:
Me: I SAY AGAIN, MAINTAIN! Traffic above, 12 o'clock, 6 miles opposite direction.
Pil: ...Traffic in sight and on TCAS... AircraftABC!
Other Pil on frequency: You're damn stupid!
Another different voice: Oh, yes you are!

:D:D

[Darren999]

I am not a controller, but heard this chap in Philly, then found this. I think he has a wonderful sense of humor.. Hope you enjoy. Furthermore, click on the New York grd controller, thats funny too..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=j2z0ZwI4bwE

[Skyjuggler]

I was under dual on tower having reloacted to a new station, a DH8C just completing his landing roll reported a bird strike on landing, an A319 hot on his heels on final approach.
Wild life control was on the ball and immediately called me and said the aircraft had struck a stork, but it was lying clear of the runway.
ATC: "ABC123 the preceeding DH8C had a birdstrike on landing, there may be some remains on the runway, are you happy to continue?"
"ABC123, that all depends, are the remains from the bird or the DH8C?"
:D

[anychanceofanupgrade]

Sitting in the bowels of the ATC centre, but gin clear day outside, BA flight calls up but not yet seen on radar. When he eventually appears on radar:

ATC: I can see you now, squawk****
BA: Roger, **** coming down, I can see you too
ATC: Is that you wearing a white shirt?
BA: No, I'm wearing a jumper - that's my mate you can see

[Darren999]

Now that's bloody funny!!!!!!! I cracked up!!! :ok: :)

[The Nr Fairy]

Qn A-model Jetranger (i.e. underpowered at best of times) without a rotor brake (i.e. wait for ages for everything to stop spinning on shutdown) at a South of England aerodrome, on their Air Day, on the hottest day of the year (even less power !).

Calling for start, having been turned down on several occasions due to various things:

"XXX Tower - JetRanger would like to request callsign change to 'Optimist' and then request a start".

[Lobby Ludd]

Heathrow Director - that's a goodun, never knew that happened! I'll mention it to Les when I see him next (son of Les) :ok:

[Lon More]

Bren, the name is familiar, but can't place him.

Wish I'd thought of that on my last medical though

[hank delmonte]

happened today a small cherokee with student pilot just after touchdown

ATC: 9***** where are you parking?
9****: I don't know, just to tie up. anywhere
ATC: 9***** taxi to anywhere

on starting again
"Tower 9***** is at anywhere request taxi to active"

[aviatcoin]

lucky u for getting away scotfree:D:D

[richatom]

I am not a controller, but heard this chap in Philly, then found this. I think he has a wonderful sense of humor.. Hope you enjoy. Furthermore, click on the New York grd controller, thats funny too..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=j2z0ZwI4bwE (http://youtube.com/watch?v=j2z0ZwI4bwE)


Listeining to that it is hardly surprising that US controllers complain about foreign pilots not understanding them!

[chaka534]

Female controller somewhere in the south.
On landline to me (for traffic info).... "Has anyone seen my Beaver"????

Was on a quiet friday afternoon and the speaker was on--much laughter was heard from the approach room!!

Also a landline call from approach to tower...
Whats the Basset doing ??
tower replies........ All sorts!!!

They dont make um like that any more lol:D

[Defruiter]

"X, Stand Y, Request push and start"

"X, Push and start approved, stand Y"

"Push and start approved, we may be a little slow pushing back, it's a women tug driver, X"

:}

[jb2_86_uk]

spent the last 3 days (on and off) reading all 52 pages and ive had some good laughs! Of course it would only be 32 pages if there werent 15 reposts of the Frankfurt 1944 joke and the scottish air traffic controllers video!!!!

Looking forward to posting some of my own experiences in a few months when I start training!

Keep it up guys and gals :ok:


JB

[MasterD]

thanks guys some really funny stuff
keep them coming:D

[TitanMaster]

Heard recently at work:

Pilot: "Good morning XXXX Approach, XXX with you level 160. Request your latest surface data please?"

App/Twr: "XXX, XXXX Approach good morning. Descend to 7000', QNH 1013. Current surface data; (controller procedes to read out the METAR)

Once the acft had landed and off loaded pax, etc. The pilot called for start again.

Pilot: "XXXX Twr, XXX requesting start and your latest surface data please?"

Stumped, the cotroller turned to me to confirm the ATIS was working. And yes, the ATIS was fully fuctional.

Twr: "XXX, are you not picking up the ATIS?"

Pilot: "Oh:ooh:...haven't tried that one yet:rolleyes:!"

[vectorz090]

LOL .. Good stuff.. :ok: kepp them coming.

[GENEX69]

In the old days reporting points had real names! In Eire we had Eagle Island and another on a route was Blackwater.

A/C report 'Flightxxx reporting over Eagle Island time yy Fl330 next position Blackwater'

Controller 'Roger Flight xxx next report passing Blackwater'

Flightxxx ' Mister if I pass blackwater I'll holler'

[Skyjuggler]

Happened to me a number of years ago. I was posted at a quiet procedural station.

Pilot: first contact "TWR.......... er... Reportmy postion"

Me: "Last caller say your callsign"

Pilot: "Er ..ABC, request my position"

I explained that as a procedural staion I was unable to see him on radar however I'd give the nearby sector a call and see if they could and get back to him.

Me: "ABC, adjacent sector advises they have to on radar 25nm SE of my field, 5 500feet... Do you need some assistance?"

Pilot: "copied..."

DEAD SILENCE

Pilot: "TWR, report YOUR position!"

I had to bite my tongue...

[whoseroundisit]

overheard on radio several years ago, a PPL doing a jaunt around the area after requesting clearance back to Dublin airport and answering a query re his location by saying he was overhead Dublin port and lining up for RW34.
(The 'chimneys' are in Dublin port and are a marker for RW34.)
ATC; Have you the chimneys in sight?
PPL; I have the 2 chimneys in sight.
ATC then got him to do 2 right turns and announced 'Those chimneys you see are the Drogheda Cement works'
( Drogheda cement works is 50 odd km north of Dublin and their chimneys are about 200m shorter and 80m wider than the power station in Dublin port)

[adverse-bump]

Aircraft X calls for push at lgw.

told to hold by atc for a 737 with a tech prob, 737 says he needs 30 secs to clear it.

about a minute latter,

aircraft X calls up once again "im not been funny but how much longer do i need to wait"

737 "about 10 seconds"

airline x eventually cleared to push, but moans "that was 5 minutes we have been waiting"

unknown (prob airline x) - lots of moaning

unknown "someone needs a cuddle!"

[SNovotny86]

Pilot: "Praha Radar, BAW1023 requesting further descent!"
ATC: "BAW1023, expect TCAS descent in 2 minutes."

[TAVLA Northbound]

A light aircraft inbound, IFR, to Rand Airport, south west of Johannesburg Intl.

Hoping that he would see the field and continue his descent VFR, clear of the final approach vectoring area for Jo'burg, I ask him ...

"ZS-xxx, what are your in flight conditions?"

A/C responds, "Everything is hunky dory thank you"
:ugh:

[Slo Moe]

Friends, I thought that 1st of April was a few weeks ago.

http://blog.wired.com/cars/2008/05/swiss-man-strap.html

I can recall the voice of an instructor:
"What is the name of this separation, sir?"

[SV_741_India_Bravo]

XXX traffic, cessna XXX entering downfield for midwind one niner........

just did that one today!

[Darren999]

Now that made me chuckle!!! :ok:

[Lorie Coffey]

There is a lot of stuff here that I would love to use in my forthcoming book on LATCC. If any of you would like to contact me direct with your stories for inclusion in this publication. If you look at the thread further down entitle Book on LATCC it will give more idea of what I am trying to achieve. These are exactly the bits and pieces I feel should go down in print for posterity!

Lorie Coffey

[WELLCONCERNED]

True story - but 18 years old!

China Air out of Sharjah eastbound - airborne off Runway 12 calls airborne.

ATC clears Air China direct LALDO [entry point Muscat FIR on A1] climb FL330.

Air China responds "Lodger - dilect RARLDO FL330".

ATC responds "negative - direct LALDO"

Air China responds "Lodger, dilect RARLDO".

ATC responds "negative, negative - track direct LALDO".

Air China responds "how you spell RARLDO"

ATC responds "RIMA ALPHA RIMA DELTA OSCAR"!!

[Aviator_IT]

The last one made me chuckle! :}

[timelapse]

"rogah, hold at ROKKI!"

[direct ortac]

Too busy talking to my passenger, obviousily not paying attention to the ATIS...

Me: Glos Tower, G-XX with information err, um, err... whatever it was, Rwy 27, QNH 1015 (not even close) for taxi

TWR: G-XX, Glos Tower, whatever it was has now changed to Mike, QNH is now 1005 and the Rynway is still 27, so one out of three correct!

Me: Unable to replay as I was laughing so much....

[am765]

I'm currently flying light aircraft a lot around Sydney and typically encounter a lot of indian students from the bankstown pilot factories.

One time after one of these indian pilots made a departure call a comedian in the circuit came over the radio, simpsons style, with 'thank-you. Come again'. Rightly or wrongly it still made me laugh.

[Lon More]

Almost as old as me; apologies if it's been posted before.

"JAL nnn resume own navigation to Pole Hill."

"Dilec whea?"

"Pole Hill, POL."

"Not can find, Porill."

American voice. "Makes you wonder how they found Pearl Harbor."

[MakeItHappenCaptain]

On the Indian theme...

Following several inbound calls made by students with heavy accents
"Tower, XYZ, tomahawk, inbound with information PAPADOM....":}

[white_elephant]

Heathrow Ground and BA pilot................

HG - SpeedbirdXXX are you fully parked?

BA - Errrr about another 4" sir........

HG - Roger thats good enough for me

BA - My wife says the same.......

Cue laughter from ground!! :D

[kooim]

Some years ago I worked in a major Centre in Australia.The weather was exceptionally bad, and there were jets all over the place. I was doing an arrivals sector, and the controller sitting beside me had the airspace with the one hole in the weather. After copping nearly everyone's traffic that afternoon the final straw had come. He looked at the mess coming towards him, and remarked .. "I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but for f$cks sake, keep that Virgin away from me" !!!!

[MMEMatty]

When i was a lowly PPL bashing the circuit at Teesside, had the ultimate feeder line...

ATC "G-KV you are number 2 to a Fokker 100 on a 4 mile final, report visual"

[Pause for effect...]

Me "G-KV Visual... I have the fokker in sight"

ATC "You've always wanted to say that haven't you?"

Me "Oh Yes"

[Cpt_Pugwash]

Last Thursday 19 June, about 1600 local ..

very efficient sounding G- XXXX " Filton Approach, G-XXX with you at XXXX on XXXX, out of XXXXX for XXXX, waffle waffle,....... and we have information Victor"

Filton Approach " Ah, that's interesting, we don't have an ATIS...."

Well, it made me chuckle.

[Ian Brooks]

Heard a couple of weeks back at Lands End on a very blustery day
Microlight G-** just passing Pendeen ground speed 15 Knts
Controller Roger hope you have bought some sandwiches with you

Just made me laugh

Ian

[gotta_love_P28A]

Me on my 2nd solo nav training for PPL, after slightly bouncy crosswind landing and flustered taxi call I took off again and was departing Essendon via Yan Yean (a massive lake/reservoir)
EN TWR in a very -I'm talking to an idiot- kind of voice
"XYZ Yan Yean is at your 12 oclock, 1 mile, clear to close this frequency"
(Yan yean was filling about 3/4 of my windscreen at this point!) :}

[Slo Moe]

WELLCONCERNED.

Excellent story! LoL! Rima Alpha...

[Skyjuggler]

The other day there was a distinctly new lady pilot on frequency with an exceptionally nice voice...

She calls me up on ground for the clearance with I give (with absolute pleasure). She finishes up the read back and before I can say anything someone else cuts in and says:
"My apologies, I didn't catch that, say again..."

Again, before I could say anything, she starts off and gives me the whole thing again...
When she finishes our anonymous hero steps in again,
"Thanks, I'm not ground and I heard it all the first time. But I just wanted to hear you say it again!":O

Good job that man!!:D

[wazzer1976]

YouTube - JFK ATC Bad Day at the office - Funny (http://youtube.com/watch?v=eyO-bWGxWBU)

Made me smile

[captainsmiffy]

(Don't know whether or not this has already been posted so apologies if it has)

Was crossing the north sea a while ago and heard (and recognised) a colleagues (anonymous) voice say to London:

"I'm bored!!" Silence from London et al. Then:
"Correction; i'm f**king bored!!"

London: "Who said that?" Stunned silence on a normally busy frequency, followed by:

"I said i'm f**king bored, not f**king stupid!!"

Could not string two coherent words together for some minutes!

[Lon More]

Don't know whether or not this has already been posted

back when Pontius was a Pilot:)

[Bindook]

An Aussie version of the same story posted by Captainsmiffy-

About 20 something years ago a sector north of Melbourne was being worked at night by a Flight Service Officer (a sort of poor man's air traffic controller using procedural separation before there was decent radar coverage)

Unidentified aircraft: "Jeez I'm f***ing bored!"

The FSO operating the sector, who was probaby a bit bored himself, nevertheless felt it was his duty to protect the airways so he called up individually each of the aircraft known to be in the sector:

Melbourne: "ABC, did you make an obsene transmission?"

ABC: "Negative"

Melbourne: "DEF, did you make an obsene transmission?"

DEF: "Negative"

And so on until all aircraft had responded.

Silence on the frequency until a few minutes later comes a transmission:
"Jeez I wan't that f***ing bored"

[Uncle Chop Chop]

We were on a radar heading from the north after asking for visual appproach into NZWN, waiting to sight a 737 joining a long final from the south and going slow. The 73 is going very slowly as ATC keeps asking me can I see it yet to which I finally reply "ah......think so got some lights about 1 oclock but seems a long way off" to which the controller replies with tone in voice "yes thats him if I'd known he was going to join finals via the sub-antarctic I'd have made you no.1". Ouch.

[FougaMagister]

Evening approach into Milan-MXP last week; ATC clears us for the approach while still way out and descending through FL130... The CPT (I was PF) then radios: "xxxxx 8SA, fully established ILS 35R at 37 miles" :p Without missing a beat, our friendly ATCO answers "roger, keep the speed!" First time I've ever been on the glide at 240 kts :ok:

[Scooby Don't]

Fouga - I guess you don't fly for Ryanair then.... :E

[lederhosen]

Heard last night over the dark continent,

Atc. xxxx report your speed in knots

xxxx 294 knots

Atc. 293 knots or less

xxxx reducing 293 knots

Atc. naa just kidding!

[adverse-bump]

GATWICK GROUND: XX01 contact tower and report ready on 124.225 should be able to get you away immediate.

XX01: Tower 124.22

XX01: Gatwick Tower XX01 taxiing C1, and we are fully ready SIR

GATWICK TOWER: (Very pissed off, and very female controller) Rodger hold C1.

Silence!

[lizplt]

To set the scene this was at Heathrow and where the British Airways Flying Club used to get their planes repainted in the same BA livery as the big jets. Waiting to take off was a British Airways 747, then a BritishAirwaysFlyingClub Piper Warrior and following that an American Airlines Jet.

American Airlines pilot watching whats ahead of him and in a very thick American accent:

"Hey Speedybird, looks like you've given birth!"

:D:D:D:D

This is another great story I was told by a BA Captain.

Unknown aircraft: "****!"

ATC: "Who was that?? Identify yourself"

Long pause....

American Airlines pilot: "We didn't say ****"

BA Pilot: "We didn't say ****"

Air Canada Pilot: "We didn't say ****"

Followed by just about every other pilot on frequency!

:D:D:D:D

[MaxBlow]

Female TWR controller:
'HXX5060, ready for a quicky 27L ?!'

Pilot
'Sure thing, just let me fly to XXX first, we'll be back in an hour!'

TWR
'Excellent, cleared for T/O 27L...'

:ok:

[chrisbl]

Flying from Cambridge to Elstree a week ago, were listening out on the Luton Approach frequency.

An agitated controller was urging an aircraft away from the Stansted runway centreline. Eventually the aircraft seemed to understand what was going on and got out of the zone.

A couple of minutes later a sheepish PIC came on air to apologise for the incursion.

Pilot: “Sorry about that – we are on an IMC training detail and thought we were at Royston and got a bit lost.”

ATC: “Well you failed that then didn’t you.”

[msr001]

re lizplt:
that was soooo funny:D

[lestump]

Apologies if this has already been posted.

Virgin 737 has just been cleared for take-off and is rolling. QANTAS 737 is instructed to "line up and wait, there'll be a short delay while the Virgin gets a bit ahead".

Hmmm, sounds funnier when you hear it rather than read it.

[lido_master]

I hope that not too much will be lost in translation.
Story told by one colleague about another one.

Training IFR inbound EPWA:
ATC: Do you have Raszyn in sight?
(short explanation: Raszyn (sounds like "Russian") place near EPWA with some radio masts)
xxx: No, I don't.

some time later:
ATC: Do you have Raszyn in sight?
xxx: Negative.
Now the guy tries to ensure himself, that no one, especially any Russian is on board but he and his instructor.
again:
ATC:Do you have Raszyn in sight?
Now our hero is imaging not very well shaved man, with fur hat, smelling vodka, with big bag on his laps - just Russian from far Siberia inside his plane.
xxx: Negative.

ATC: Dou you have Raszyn in sight... oh disregard, you have just passed it.

after landing:
Why they were asked us if we have Russian inside?

Story which always make me laughing.
Hope you too.

rgds
Dino

[Pure Pursuit]

Fighter Controller, not too long ago...

F3, "Boulmer, Export 1, any news on my playmate?"

FC, "He's working a slag on the ground for the next ten minutes."

I think she meant to say 'SNAG'...

[kristofvi]

This happened a few years ago at Maastricht UAC shortly after CPDLC (Controller-Pilot Data Link Connection) had been introduced. Not many airlines were Data Link equipped so we reckoned this new cockpit feature would be tempting to play with.
A United Airlines flight from Frankfurt to the States entered our airspace, still climbing to FL320. Suddenly this particular flight requests FL380 via Data Link, much to our surprise as it is quite a high cruising level to start with for a long haul flight. So the radar controller asks him via voice transmission:

Maastricht: "UAL123, we've just received your request via CPDLC... uhm... confirm you are actually looking for FL380? Or are you just trying out the Data Link system?"

UAL123 (without missing a beat): "Sir if I'd be testing the Data Link system I would ask for a tall Scandinavian blonde, don't you think?"

Maastricht (with an amused voice and laughter in the background): "Haha, I guess!"

After a brief pauze a deep male Scandinavian voice came on: "What can I do for you?"

UAL123: "Uhm... uhm... well, it's not for me - it's for the co-pilot..."

At Maastricht we were on the floor laughing! :D

[kristofvi]

A classic one perhaps... A KLM flight bound for Amsterdam was descending abeam Eelde (EEL) in the Dutch FIR, coming from somewhere up North. Our radar showed the aircraft had initiated a significant turn hence the radar controller investigated...

Maastricht: "KLM1234, confirm you are making a right turn?"

KLM1234: "Affirm! Turning back shortly!"

Maastricht: "KLM1234, what is the reason for the turn?"

KLM1234: "Oh uhm, it's a very clear day today, and banking the aircraft allowed me to see my house from up here..."

Maastricht: "Roger... next time please report before turning"

This is when another pilot stepped in and said: "Hey KLM, can you also see the car on the driveway?"

;)

[kristofvi]

By now this story has become a classic anecdote at Maastricht UAC. Imagine the scene in the Ops Room... Traffic was fairly busy with a lot of chatting on the frequency. Earlier a US-bound Lufthansa had asked for a better direct routing, which had to be co-ordinated with the colleagues at Copenhagen ACC first. Right after the Lufthansa's request the radar controller got too busy for him to ask his planning controller what direct routing had been offered by Copenhagen (as this is not a priority in busy times). Nevertheless the Lufthansa pilot reminded us about his request. Fair enough. The radar controller - still busy - quickly turns to his planner and asks: "What direct routing did Copenhagen give us for the Lufthansa?"

At the same time another colleague was standing right behind these two controllers, getting the coffee and tea orders for everyone. It so happened he posed his coffee question at the same time the radar was shouting for the direct routing. Lazy as controllers tend to be, the planner only picked up the drink request and answered: "Mint tea!"

The coffee guy wrote it down, but our meanwhile hectic radar controller had also taken this for an answer and asked, slightly confused: "MINTI??". The planner - now looking at his tube again - took it for granted the coffee guy just asked him for confirmation (and obviously did not realise that the radar had been asking him something as well) so he simply replied: "Yes, yes! Mint tea!". The phone rings, the planner picks it up and misses that the radar clears the Lufthansa as follows:

Maastricht: "DLH123, proceed direct to MINTI"

DLH123: "Uhrrrr... roger... direct to MINTI, confirm?"

Maastricht: "Affirm, sir. MINTI"

2 minutes pass, and finally the Lufthansa comes back...

DLH123: "Maastricht, I'm sorry but can you spell MINTI for me please? I cannot seem to find it"

Maastricht: "Standby"

The radar turns to his planner and asks: "How do you spell MINTI? Is it mike india november tango india??"

Planner: "Huh? What?"

Radar: "Well, you gave me MINTI for that Lufthansa before, right? How do you spell it??"

At this point the planner realised what had happened and bursted out in manic laughter: "No! I ordered a MINT TEA!!". The radar immediately caught up with the silly situation and could not stop himself from laughing. He was unable to say anything for at least half a minute or so. Situations like this one just get so much more momentum when they are preceded by tense moments. And that is when I like to job the most! :) :ok:

[wire12]

yeah that is right only the first part

[foxyankee]

Really nice story!
But another example for certain situations for a lack of communication between co and radar-ATCO when working withou paper-strips....especially in busy situation like those.

Uhh.....bad times...

[Lon More]

a lack of communication between co and radar-ATCO when working withou paper-strips....

1. This is a humour thread. Don't let the truth get in the way of a good joke.

2. just how would little pieces of paper have prevented this misunderstanding?

FWIW most of the controllers at Maastricht nowadays have never worked live traffic with strips.

[foxyankee]

Hi!


2. just how would little pieces of paper have prevented this misunderstanding?


Veeeeery easy:
CO writes down the given and coordinated dircet clearance onto the strip - done!
This can be done even in the busiest environment and nobody HAS to talk to each other if everybody is so busy! It can be soooo easy...and safe!:ok:

What if the pilots had found an intersection with sounds like MINTI and had selected a heading towards this unknwown fix......uhhhh...:=

==============

Back to topic:
This day a belgium Avroliner called in: "......leveling off FL 440!"
:D:)

[Lon More]

Veeeeery easy:
CO writes down the given and coordinated dircet clearance onto the strip
It happened at Maastricht UAC; Flight Data mini strips were updated by a Co-ordinator who was not sat next to the executive. The strips were about 14 cm long and had no place to put this info on.

What if the pilots had found an intersection with sounds like MINTI and had selected a heading towards this unknwown fix......uhhhh...

not a lot, The controllers at Maastricht concentrate on a dynamic display, not a collection of scraps of paper which may, or may not, represent the actual situation, Again, this is a thread for humour - to quote something often heard there in the past, "German humour is not a laughing matter.":) Let's just drop it.

[David Horn]

Some time ago:

"Ah, tower, I think there is something wrong with your PAPIs. They are all showing red..."

[niknak]

To the airline pilot who recently told me, "personally I would have used the word arse, but you're far politer then I am..."

I salute you Sir! :p:):D

[Katamarino]

Another time, cleared to land with the advisory "traffic on the runway is a turtle crossing right to left, advise in sight"....


Was this at Fort Pierce in May/June 2005? If so, I was flying that day too - "Report the Turtle in sight" :O

[Katamarino]

And to chip in with my own experience from flying round the US last summer..

1) En route from Crystal River to Sarasota, we decide to check in for flight following.

Me: Miami Centre (I think it was), Skyhawk N961MC...
MC: Skyhawk 1MC, go ahead
Me: Blah blah...
MC: 1MC, I have you on radar, squa.......(silence)

10 or 15 seconds later he comes back on frequency

MC: Sorry about that 1MC, we're having a bit of fun here today, and somebody unplugged me :eek:

[Simonblaine]

Mint Tea? Rather posh..............

[Scooby Don't]

Air Blue XXX, Bavarian captain: ahh departures, is zer some kind of strange, funny noise coming through viss my transmissions?

Departures: I would never say that about your accent, sir!

Luckily, he had a SOH.

[ChampChump]

The usual fairly busy comms at Headcorn.

G-XXXX good afternoon, inbound from yyy request joining information

G-XXXX 11 left QFE 1030

etc

All measured and pleasant, vaguely as per the book.

Then, equally pleasant, but a shock to all sensitive ears:

HEADCORN RADIO, G-ZZZZ RADIO CHECK

G-ZZZZ readability 6


Thanks Pat, I enjoyed that.

[Lon More]

Better than 2 by 2


Too loud
Too often

[Lurking123]

Boulmer "Hi, we're launching Q for an intercept against ABC123"

LATCC "Roger"

Boulmer "We'll be coming out hdg 180"

LATCC "Confirm ABC123?"

Boulmer "Yes, coming out hdg 180"

LATCC "Can I suggest hdg 350 and a handover to Scottish?"

I guess you had to be there.:ooh:

[Yankee_Doodle_Floppy_Disk]

HEADCORN RADIO, G-ZZZZ RADIO CHECK

G-ZZZZ readability 6

The readability scale from one to six has the following meaning:

1. unreadable;
2. readable now and then;
3. readable with difficulty;
4. readable;
5. perfectly readable; and
6. unbearable.

[172_driver]

New student with instructor onboard strayed into the TMA,

TWR: S-XX you are penetrating my TMA
Student: Penetrating your TMA, S-XX

Happily unaware of what he just did :\ Guess the instructor had to sort out the paperwork.

[Skyjuggler]

Aircraft on 4nm final approach, just been issued clearance to land.

Pilot: Tower, is there going to be a delay for our outbound flight to XXX

Tower: Affirm, they need 15 minutes between departures.

Pilot: Uh, copied..... Request push back and start!:D

[Surferboy]

As told by a now pensioned controller:

Controller: 'ABCxxx, confirm visual with traffic on righthand side'
ABCxxx: 'Ehh, negative..'
Controller: 'Roger, juuuuust keep looking right'






(Hint, this was before TCAS :E)

[jetstar1]

To the Camden Tower controller today who told a Twin Commanche that his inbound call was 'about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike': I am still wiping the tears from my eyes! I salute you!

[chiglet]

Funny as it may seem, but I did have an ashtray on my BMW K100 motorcycle :ok:

[aermacchi]

We were simulating some unusual occurances:

Pilot (a girl...): Maastricht, mayday, we have smell of co%k in the cockpit!!"

ATC: -no comment-

Instructor: Laughing his head off..

[timelapse]

That is ABSOLUTELY superb

[aermacchi]

A spanish pilot got lost on our frequency, so, since we couldn't speak to him, we thought that he might be in rcf:

ATC: "C/S123, is you read, squawk ident."

A/C: "Roger, squawking ident, C/S123."

:ok:

[smith]

An american pilot flying over southern england

atc: xxx report your position

a/c: currently 10miles west of Looga burooga

ATC: Ah that will be Loughborough sir

[fyrefli]

ITYF it makes more sense if you spell "Loughborough" correctly :D

[smith]

sorry I am Scottish, thought it was the same way as Edinburgh was spelt or Edinboro as the yanks say

[Lon More]

The American cousins found a few new places in days gone by; Saint Rumble = Strumble was a favouritr

[undervaluedATC]

I had an American VFR pilot call up and ask for the weather at (phonetically) "Mara - Ka - Dor - e"


had me scratching my head until I figured out he meant Maroochydore. (Ma-roo-chee-door):ok:

[Scooby Don't]

I believe the old story was of a flight of F-111s on a navex.

ATC - "what's your next waypoint and estimate"

F-111 - "St Rumble at xxxx"

ATC - "you must mean Strumble, and where after that?"

F-111 - "then Stabbs at time xxxx"

ATC - "that would be St Abbs...."

[Lon More]

Scooby - pretty good navs then. Two TACANs about 350nm apart. in different countries:hmm:

[Farmer 1]

Not that it ever came up as regards ATC, but just down the road from St Rumble, sorry, Strumble, is Stan's, sorry, St Annes.

[Storminnorm]

OR POSSIBLY St Aines??

[terrain safe]

OR POSSIBLY St Aines??

Wasn't he a seaman in Captain Pugwash? :ok:

[Scooby Don't]

Lon - if an F-111 can fly all the way from Lakenheath to Libya with multiple inflight refuels, and still find the French embassy, I'm pretty sure 350 nm was no problem for them at all. And I did say it was a story. Search under "life: getting a". :E

[Atcham Tower]

Walls-eye was a common one from Americans, maybe still is. And I once heard Cree-wee for Crewe!

[Ian Brooks]

And of course there was always Dodger Bank in the middle of the North Sea
( that is going back a few years )

Ian

[172_driver]

ATIS recording at Gillespie the other day:

"...advice on initial contact you have information Echooo... Echooo... Echooo"

Gotta cheer those Yankees for some brilliant humour in between all screaming and shouting!!

[smith]

American B52 on a training flight and Instructor pulls an engine on approach

B-52: 30miles out, simulated engine failure for the ILS

ATC: Ah the dreaded seven engine landing, cleared for the approach.

[dagowly]

On PAR - "4 miles, Cxxxx to roll and join"

tower - "call by 2"

PAR - "2 1/4 miles, Cxxxx to roll and join"

tower - "break off the approach, idiot on the runway"

i just started laughing, probably one of those situations you just had to be there :ouch:

[Skyjuggler]

Overheard the other day by one of our more experienced controllers...

"ABC123, maintain 210kts, standby for the reduction!":eek:

I can only imagine what the pilot thought

I must add quickly, that although his R/T is somewhat less than standard, the old guy can still move traffic:)

[generalspecific]

flying along in the mighty R22 at all of 90kts.. HK's airspace split into reporting "Zones" and the route was New Town - Tolo - Port Shelter.

I call New Town and then have a brain fart and call entering Port Shelter. Controller says "fastest 22 i've ever seen" .... :D

[flightsearch]

DLH XXX, turn left heading 315, report new heading :D:D:D

[DC-ATE]

I've read through many, many pages here but must confess I have not read ALL 57 pages...yet. So, I hope something similar has not been posted already.

One of my favorites, and, true:

Years ago when the transition from (Statute) Miles per Hour to (Nautical) Miles per Hour was taking place in the aviation industry there were obviously airplanes with the "older" MPH Airspeed gauges still installed.
One such airplane was Twin Bonanza 5636D.

Seems like 36 Delta was enroute somewhere and the Center asked him for his airspeed.

36 Delta replied, "150 Miles Per Hour, Sir."

The Controller came back with, "What is that in Knots?"

36 Delta replied: "I dunno, this is a Beechcraft, not a Chris Craft, you figure it out!"

[GhostUK]

I hope one day I'll understand atleast one of these ATC jokes.. fingers crossed anyway. Stage one coming soon. :)

[hvogt]

Heard this one in Hamburg the other day. Female controller with gorgeous voice on the tower. Number one on departure goes:

"Air France two two one zero, runway three three, cleared for take-off. Au revoir, madame."

Next one on departure with mock french accent:

"Lufthansa deux deux juliette, runway trois trois, cleared for take-off. Au revoir, madame."

[Cyclopps]

i'm cracking up.
Its 08 and it sitll happens at vero beach.

[visibility3miles]

Not a dialog, but an amusing ATC video on YouTube:

Highly Skilled Air Traffic Controllers for FedEx route airplanes around a thunderstorm approaching the terminal.
YouTube - Highly Skilled Air Traffic Controller (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdrSBzy8NwQ)

[Lurking123]

G-AB - "Tower, what time are you closing?"

Tower [laconic] - "When you land"

G-AB - "G-AB final, touch and go"

Tower - "G-AB cleared to land, surface wind..."

[zesheriff]

I should have come on this topic earlier...

I'll start with a cheater...

Tower (me) : "ABC, continue ILS Approach, reduce to minimal approach speed"

ABC : "We have already minimal speed"

Tower : "For information, you have two heavy lined up ahead for departure on the rwy..."

ABC : "Roger, reducing speed"

:rolleyes:

[G-FATTY]

Had a bit of a mess up today on the RT with Scottish Information!

I was flying an aircraft G-ABCD then another aircraft G-AFCD came on to the same frequency also.

I was aware of this and was told by ATC

"G-ABCD, please use full call-sign whilst transimitting, another very similar call-sign is on the frequency"
My reply was "Will use full call-sign G-ABCD when transmitting, G-CD *pause* err G-ABCD!!!"

Thought i would share it with you all!

[The Jolly Roger]

Indian Carrier (say it again airlines!!), transiting the airspace the other day...

ATC - "ABC123 cleared x,y and z"

Pilot - "Roger sir, cleared direct z"

ATC - "Negative, cleared x, y, and z"

Pilot - "Affirm Sir, cleared x, then z"

ATC - "Negative, cleared x, y then z"

Pilot - "Roger, cleared x, ....eeerrrrr...say again pleez".....

Approx 5 transmissions later......we got it.....

Local Pilot in southern american drawl comes on and says..."did you guys just launch to the moon!!!!!"......:D:D:D

By the way...anyone see the moon wobble last night????....Gulfnews: Moon landing sparks celebrations in India (http://www.gulfnews.com/world/India/10260003.html)

[andrijander]

Expecting a departure from Leipzig which needed to be cleared in the upper airspace, callsign World WOAxxxx, I receive a call from the Bremen radar:

Bremen: hello, something for the world?
me:...peace, love and understanding?
bremen:........................................
me: you mean the world xxxx?
bremen: affirm (not very amused, I must add)

cheers,
A.

[Sudden Stop]

I was recently asked if I wouldn't mind awfully taking a 40% pay cut and doing some extra hours? :=

Made me laugh anyway....

[flightsearch]

"OAL417, climb to FL417" :ugh::D:ugh:

[midnight_aviator]

A citation XL 5 miles south of london city calls to join VFR at when city tower reply "G-ABCD you are number two to a fokker 50, report when you have the fokker in sight"

[Screwballs]

LTN Radar: "ABC reduce to minimum approach speed or less."

ABC: "Will minimum approach spped do?"

:ok:

[jumpseater]

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c270/2012images/london.jpg

London City's new Controller rest room has been designed to comply with SCRATCOH requirements...

[Photon85]

Man, I've read all 57 pages. Took me like 3 days! haha
Good ones! :):D

[wazzer1976]

Received in my inbox today, some are on here already, I'm sure some are urban myths but hey lets not allow the truth to spoil the fun :ok:

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers 11/2008


Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"************************************************************ **************************************Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341:"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ************************************************************ **************************************O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."************************************************************ ************************A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"Student:"When I was number one for takeoff."************************************************************ ***************************************A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."************************************************************ **************************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"************************************************************ *****************************************One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."************************************************************ **************************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurtground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." ************************************************************ ************************************* While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the i rate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Have briefs]

Loving this thread. Takes me back many, many years to when I used to man co.freq. 131.8 (Bealine London)for the then BEA flight ops. This was operated by both a button on the mike and, for hands free, a floor switch. How many times was I caught out by someone asking me some very personal question about my sex life and wondering why they were giggling, till I saw the red TX light on the set glowing and shoved their foot off the floor switch !!!!! :\

[rodan]

Only posted about 20 times before.

[Have briefs]

In the same style.
Friend of mine told me about her school mate who went into radio news coverage.
One of her first assignments was to cover a local stunt kite display.
Live, on air, she asked one of the group...............

"So how long have you been flying these stite c***s " !!!:ugh::\

[B-HKD]

Just heard,

Kennedy Tower, Confirm we are cleared to land 22L. Jetblue xxx?

Affirmative, Jetblue xxx

Thanks, too much turkey last night. Jetblue xxx

Leo:)

[Fenella]

General naughtiness... (controller is female by the way, and anonymous voice is male!)

Easter Sunday:

Pilot: "Tower, any good news on my slot?"
ATC: "Negative, still 20 minutes for start. Sorry."
Pilot: "This is boring."
ATC: "Affirm. I could be at home eating an Easter Egg right now."
.
.
.
Long silence.
.
.
.
Anonymous voice: "You could suck my eggs anytime".

[RMarvin86]

A couple of months ago after my first solo x-country flight in Italy I did use English phraseology for practice, which is not really appreciated by ATCOs as I increase their workload.

After landing TWR came over with the following:

"I-IABS on ground at xx..ehm are you a military pilot?"

"Ehm.. on ground at xx ... and negative just a student!!"

I had a good laugh and did smile for some time. (had only 17 flight hours at the time)

:)

[lucavettu]

A couple of months ago after my first solo x-country flight in Italy I did use English phraseology for practice, which is not really appreciated by ATCOs as I increase their workload.

After landing TWR came over with the following:

"I-IABS on ground at xx..ehm are you a military pilot?"

"Ehm.. on ground at xx ... and negative just a student!!"

I had a good laugh and did smile for some time. (had only 17 flight hours at the time)

Sorry to ask, but...
...what's the funny part of it? :suspect:

[RMarvin86]

Sorry to ask, but...
...what's the funny part of it? http://static.pprune.org/images/smilies/cwm13.gif

It was funny at the time as I just achieved an important step of my flight training and I was asked with such a strange question. I still don't understand why, but I guess it was because I was using English phraseology and they were not used to! (it's an intl airport).

Probably it's more funny when I fly VFR in Italy using English RT and the guys at the other side of the mike get annoyed and switch to italian :ugh:

I was just sharing my personal experience :p

You don't like it? you skip it.

[chephy]

As a student pilot, I had my share of radio blunders. Here is one.

I'm returning to my home base on the last leg of my first solo cross-country. Due to stronger winds than predicted, later start than anticipated, and lower a/c performance than published, the flight has taken longer than I thought it would. I realize that I might end up cutting it a little too fine with respect to the search and rescue time, so I decide to call up a flight information centre, give them a position report and a new ETA.

Me: London Radio, this is C-XXXX, position report.
London Radio: C-XXXX, go ahead.
Me: London Radio, C-XXXX is on a VFR flight plan, en route to so-and-so airport, at such-and-such altitude, over such-and-such town, yada-yada-yada (where yada-yada-yada is the rest of the relevant details)
London Radio: Roger.

So far so good, and I should have just stopped there, of course, but because this is the first time I strayed any distance from my controlled homebase, that exchange just didn't feel right. Before this flight, talking to someone on the ground equalled talking to the ATC, and the voice on the other end always gave me instructions at the end! Plus, that last "Roger" didn't sound like an end to a conversation; the intonation seemed to be implying that there was more for me to say... and I already said everything I thought I was supposed to. So, knowing full well that I'm doing something kinda dumb, I keyed the mike and meekly asked:

Me: Um, London radio... is there anything you would like me to do?

If I were London radio people, I probably would have said something along the lines of "draw me a bath". But they seemed perplexed, not amused, by my silly question, and just mumbled something along the lines of "Um, no, C-XXXX, it's all good, have a good flight".

[Opinel]

Happened in the Seventies:

Lufthansa XXX contacts Zürich Radar.

Pilot: Zurich Radar, LH XXX, good morning, FL290, estimating Trasadingen at 45.
Controller: Good morning LH XXX, proceed via Amber 9, maintain FL 290 and report Trasadingen.
Pilot: Roger LH XXX, maintaining 290 and call you Trasadingen.
Controller: Negative, call me Leo and report Trasadingen.

Not my story (taken from eddh.de), but one of the best I read so far.

[hvogt]

My favourite from eddh.de:

At a glider site's take-off position. Take-off supervisor to winch driver.
Supervisor: "ASK-21 heavy at the northern rope. Start pulling."
Driver: "ASK-21 heavy...???"
Supervisor: "Yeah. My missis is on board."
Reported by Klaus Nuss

(translated by hvogt)

[pax britanica]

More humorous than intentional humour although the BA captains' comments are shall we say tinged with a hint of sarcasm. Both times I am listening to ATC as family on board and want to be sure they get away ok.

It’s late at night about 2330 in Bermuda in the 1980s. Kindley Field (BDA was a US Naval Air Station doubling as a civil airport had US Military controllers handling the civil fights. The 5 times a week BA Tri-Star is the last (only) night departure and has just pushed back.

'BA 2233 ready for taxi ' says a very British voice
No answer
Again BA 2233 etc etc .....repeats 4 times in fact
Fifth time a very exasperated BA 'Captain Speaking' voice calls the tower frequency to complain that he is the only aircraft on the field and why isn't he being answered.
Tower explains – ‘Oh we did not answer as we have flashed you a green signal light’. You can sense the stunned reaction on the flight deck and several seconds elapse before before, ‘Well , I am afraid we Brits have moved on a bit since signal lights and I would like a proper taxi clearance please!!!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the other hand people can talk a little too much (though there was not much to do on the nightshift in Bermuda Tower)

BA Tri Star 'Bermuda Tower BA2233 for Airways clearance please'

(excuse me if I have the reporting points wrong)

Tower 'BA2233 is cleared to London Heathrow Airport climbing ahead to 2000ft then enroute via FLANN, TARGA 35N 50W ( then all the Oceanic reports are listed) Lands End ,Sampton, Midhur..... at which point BA interrupts with ‘ errr Yes I think we can just about manage to find our own way from there thank you'

PB

[kokako7]

from personal experienece just few meeks ago.
TWR: set squawk 6747
PILOt: roger squawk 6748
TWR: If u'll manage to set squawk 6748, just leave it
looooooong silence
Hopefully I was ATCO :)

[max1]

Asked outbound United today for his estimate for the FIR boundary (approximately 500nm to the boundary). Pilot needs to check and comes back with 'United XXX ahh ....one second (while he looks it up)
Qantas wit dives in " Jeez thats quick"

[Semu]

An American tramp freighter departing Rome some years ago:

ATC: Freightdog 123, president.

A/C: Um say again? <franticly reviewing NOTAMs during climb>

ATC: Freightdog 123, president.

A/C: Say again please?

ATC: On your transponder, press ident.

[matsATC]

In a complex airspace as the Belgian east sectors, things sometimes get even more complicated by the fact that Flemish and French speaking controllers are working together...

Situation:
Three French speaking controllers (trainee, instructor and planning) at the sector, trainee is holding the mike. Flight ANE8283 comes up on the radar, and since we don't see those very often, he asks the planning controller if he knows the callsign. Planning controller, helpful as he is, sais: 'oh, that's "EZEL"' (since ANE is French for donkey, and donkey in Flemish is EZEL).

On first contact, the trainee replies with: 'EZEL 8283, radar contact!'

It only took him a few extra seconds to realize his mistake...:rolleyes:

[DAL208]

One from my own personal experience.

EZY a/c departs early morning. Routine runway insection finds the departing a/c hit a bird on departure. I relay message to pilot through neighbouring sector, he seems fine. Later on in day whilst on Ground the same a/c came in taxiing back to stand. Pilot informs me he was pilot of bird stike flight from earlier in the day and asked me:

Pilot: 'Ground, EZYxxx, hi, we were the ones who struck the bird on departure this morning, dont suppose you know what type of bird it was do you? For form-filling'
Me (having found out a few hours earlier it was a very strange sounding bird that i'd never heard of): 'Ezyxxx, affirm, it was called a "xxxxxx' (cant remember name anymore)
Pilot: 'oooh sounds rare..'
Me: 'Even rarer now!!' :}

I thought was funny...thats all that matters

[EltorroLoco]

It's cruel I know, but one should never pass up the opportunity to welcome an FNG (... new guy) by taking advantage of their lack of experience.


Twr calls approach at Jhb International (it's name has changed several times, but at least this one had a location in it) and says some guy wants to join VFR, what would I like them to squawk.

I naturally answer 2909.

"ZSABC, squawk 2909"
"But M'am it's too high"
"Ok, squawk 2908"

She didn't find it as amusing as me, I suppose it's also 'cos I bring it up after a few libations, which is after morning shifts, most evenings and weekends.

Also, British Global freighters fly in from time to time, their designator being BGB. Again the Tower FNG asks what their callsign is, and I reply, "It's BUGBEAR". I'm sure you can guess the rest.

[Betablockeruk]

Heard on Amsterdam delivery. Delta pilot attempting to readback clearance:

Delta XX: "That's a BERGI....er....um......can't read my writing"
ATC: "That's ok, as long as you can fly the plane, that's what's important! Call ground for pushback [etc, etc]"

[Doug E Style]

I love the Dutch approach to ATC; heard an inbound aircraft one day ask if there was any speed restriction to which the controller replied, "No Sir, you can go as fast as you dare!"

[ron83]

yeah I like dutch as well,the other day, ACFT: Turkish xxx maintaining 300 kt fl 070.
ATC: Turkish xxx very good:p

[RMarvin86]

... check this out! :ok:

dutch controllers are well funny!

YouTube - Funny ATC - Air Traffic Controller at Amsterdam Schiphol (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KFU1GKQNNU)

[ron83]

a/p disconnected:pyeah we'll try to stop it:D

[Ollie268]

heard this recently when talking to Scottish....

ATC - "Ryanair123 cleared direct XXXX"
RYR - "Cleared...erm did you mean to say XXX?"
ATC - "Yes sir, well done your great and im just rubbish!! Your cleared direct XXX!"

[Curious Pax]

Always enjoyed listening to the Amsterdam approach controllers on a rough day, as they manoevered everyone round buildups etc - impressively cool to listen to - probably a bit more stressful for the guy doing it.

Was listening the day after Raymond van Barneveld won the world title - a slightly startled sounding Northwest flight was cleared onto heading 'one hundred and eighhhhhhhhhhhhhhty'. 'err, say again?'. Don't think the pilot was a darts afficianado!

[Geezers of Nazareth]

One for the Heathrow controllers ...

any chance of a copy of the recording of the "Who's Ollie" from a few weeks ago in the snow?

(Some people went to collect an aircraft from a remote stand, and wrote something in the snow. When they called-up to request clearance the Controller wanted to know who Ollie was!

[UAC48]

Today on Maastricht UAC :
Pilot checking in from Germany, destination EGLL : "XXXXXX XXX, may we maintain this level as long as possible"
ATCo : "Of course, you can maintain till London if you like"

[FinalVectors]

Hi!

Did hear a story at work today which made me laugh a lot :}

Oslo ATCC/Oslo APP is currently in the process of redesigning our airspace. The "Point merge" system is currently running simulations in Paris.
One of my collegues did have some problem with AMAN(arrival manager, which we don't have today in Oslo TMA..we do it the old manual stoneage way still), so on the debrief of the sim run he said as follows:

"I got fu:mad::mad:ed by AMAN today" :} :}

Well..not the most evolved humor, but just perfect for me :ok:

Regards
Final Vectors
Oslo APP

[Dumbledor]

A German gas balloon past majestically through the STN ATZ on 28.12.08 at around 1045. It would be great to get hold of a recording of the R/T on STN DIR 126.95. Would that be possible? Sorry if this has been covered before. It would not do it justice if I tried to remember it all. We were falling about in our little cockpit...

[FougaMagister]

Heard Friday evening around 2130Z in a (Southern) London sector:

ATC: "- City-Ireland 5xxx, what is your speed?"
Avro RJ85: "- Mach 0.65, but we can increase a bit"
ATC: "- Probably not enough!"

A bit harsh of the ATCO... :E

[NaFenn]

Grob: "XXX overhead XYZ, will make number 1 to the cessna"
Tower: "XXX, Will you now"
Grob: "That was the plan"
Tower: "ABC, you got the grob 11 o'clock?"
Cessna: "We've got him, ABC"
Tower: "He is about to cut you off, have fun"
Cessna: "greeeeeeeeat"

[AAA737300BF]

Some years ago it was required in General Aviation in Germany to call Info at small airfields and report the name of PIC + persons on board prior to departure. At big airports, the PIC had to fill out a form at the terminal before departure.

One day, this was heard on the ground frequency at DUS:
Pilot 1: "Düsseldorf Ground, ehh, this is D-EABC, ehh, Cessna 172, emm, Muller + 3 to Mönchengladbach, emm, request taxi."
ATC: "D-EABC, taxi runway 24 via M, cross runway 31."
Pilot 1: "D-EABC, ehm, taxi runway 24, emm, via M."
Pilot 2: "Düsseldorf Ground, ehh, this is Lufthansa 123, ehmm, Boeing 737, Huber and Schmitz + 125 to Berlin, ehmmm, request start and push..."

[I16]

That is so cool :)

[Spunky Monkey]

In January working Oslo back to Scottish.
The Norwegian controller had a great accent, every time he handed somebody over he finished with a "So Long".
However with his accent it sounded more like "Shalom"...The Hebrew for Peace.
Sounded very relaxed and made us both smirk.

Then a couple of minutes later we got a request to descend, earlier then planned.

The call went "Corporate XYZ, descend FL 280, DUE traffic".

Some moments later an EL AL passed infront of us 2000' above.

I nearly wet my kecks...

[FougaMagister]

Heard last Thursday evening (20th March) on Brest frequency 125.500 (in French):

- "Brest, bonsoir, French Post xxx, passing FL080 for FL180, Direct Pontoise"
- "Bonsoir French Post xxx, are you happy to cruise at FL180?"
- "Yeah, the flight is only so long"
- "Roger, maintain FL180 on reaching. Call Paris on 128.8"
- "128.8, French Post xxx. See you next time"
- "There might not be a next time - I'm retiring in September. Don't even like to work at night anymore!" :zzz:

[mayday.call]

Two years back in Aqaba, a student going for his first solo,
S: "MAx ready for departure"
T: "Line up and wait MAx"
Few minutes later
T: "MAx wind is calm cleared for takeoff"
S: "MAx Downwind for full stop"

[jangler909]

Has this been here already? It's Land or Hold! Ace stuff!

YouTube - Land or Hold FINAL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKO7fW9R-SA)

[Lon More]

Back in the 1970s , before Euroccontrol moved to Maastricht and when we still used paper strips, blue for Westbound, buff for Eastbound (and red for dangerous according to our PR expert) a few of us were taking our break in the terminal building at Zaventem when a couple of Sabena CC walked past, one in beige and one in blue. their then current uniforms. Someone wondered out loud why two different uniforms. "Easy," answered a French colleague. "Blue for westbound flights, beige for eastbound."

[1000tintoys]

Having just read through the past two years pages of whimsical 'real' recollections and jokes, all I can say is that I am relieved I have never flown, chaps.:ooh:

I am surprised that fingers crossed repetitive strain injury isn't an epidemic in the aviation industry!!:cool:

[Mshamba]

Years ago as i was practicing my first solo t&g during my PPL at EDSB. They just finished construction works expanding buildings including the tower.

A RYR taxied into the normal takeoff position but didn't reported ready yet. I was asked for an immediate takeoff out of an intersection infront of the RYR which i affirmed.
TWR: "D-Exxx your traffic pattern is a right hand circuit, when airborne turn immediate to the right there is a departure behind you, wind xxx/xx, runway 03 cleared for immediate takeoff."

Having in mind the "big" 737 of RYR behind me, 50 feet under my wheels i turned my C150 immediately to the right, just as being told. Infront of my windscreen the tower itself was rising as i was heading straight into it.

TWR: "D-Exxx, not that much to the right, take care the tower is quite new..."

The RYR pilots just laughed into their mics...

[Phase]

A couple whilst training at headcorn

Ac: Loverair356 request transit through your overhead.
twr: Loverair, whats that an airline or a bloody dating agency!:D

Islander lands after an engine faliure:

Ac: We must have forgot to do somthing
Twr: Yeah carb heat, tw*t :E

[Captain-Random]

Had a nice pair of sarcastic controllers at Humberside..

Just made a bumpy landing in nil wind on my QXC to Humberside and over the radio i hear..

TWR- G-## must be blowing a gail out there with that landing

And another one today on my skills test...

Me - G-#### pa28 ......to ..... via Binsbrook and sheffield city currently at 3100 ft for basic service

Humber Radar - G-## where is Binsbrook located

Me- 10 nm SE of Humberside.

Humber Radar- Ah you mean Binbrook, why didn't you say


All i got from the examminer was "This guys a sarcastic wa:mad:ker, carry on"

[Farmer 1]

No sense of humour, some people.

[nick14]

Heard whilst waiting for taxi at EMA:

ac:East mids twr, XXX1234, stand 21, request push and start with kilo.

Twr:XXX1234, push and start approved, face east.

ac: push and start approved, which way is east......

I didnt catch the last few comments as my passenger was laughing too hard. I on the other hand was a little worried about the people sat behind this fella.....:ooh:

[rogerk]

Middle of the night in a room at the top of an Army Barracks building in Germany that the fledgling Brit Army Air Corps called "The Tower" when the radio squawks and a thick American voice announces -
"Mornin xxxx tower this is xxxx xxx on 121.5"
"Good morning xxxx xxx are you aware that 121.5 is an emergency frequency ?"
"Sure do xxxx tower and as I am ferrying the biggest load of crap you have ever seen all the way back to the States I'm stayin on there"

[davart]

There aren't many sites that keep me reading more than a few minutes these days, but I've read all 60 pages of this thread over the last couple of days!

Priceless...! Nice to see the P.C. brigade haven't taken over ATC just yet! Boom, boom, tsch!

Keep 'em coming!

[fry79]

transmission was a bit broken:
ac: rhein...airforce...15...maintaining 370
atc: airforce calling rhein radar, this is munich south, please go back to previous channel and check the correct one.
ac: wilco

2 min later
ac: hallo again, we now realised that our callsign might be missleading. we are RYR(ryanair)4715 at 370, but if you like call us ryanairforce 15 and we`ll feel honored and be happy about any priority handling.
atc: roger, ryanairforce 15 identified,direct XXX
ac: never thought that this will work.

[lilflyboy262]

Overheard while flying through the NZTG control zone.

A/C: TG TWR, ABC at XXX, 3000ft, 2 POB, Requesting joining instructions in receipt of golf 1019

TWR: ABC, TG TWR, Make a XXX Arrival, traffic is a XXX at 2500ft, Heading XXX

A/C: Roger the Traffic, ABC

Traffic: Rather you didn't.

[macbe327]

From a controller at Queenstown NZ (Queenstown has an 1800m RWY 23/05 and an 800m crossing Grass RWY 14/32):

An ATR72 is taxiing out for departure

QN TWR: Mount CookXXX short delay at the holding point a couple of light aircraft to land runway 23 ahead.
Mount CookXXX(sounding rather pissed at having to wait for a few 207s): What about the Grass Rwy!!??
QN TWR: Sorry didn't realise you would accept that... Grass 14 cleared for takeoff

[Darkrampage]

Best one I have heard so far was about 4 weeks ago in the morning. Adelaide approach has an American working for them that always seems to be quite funny. He has to be the most casual and relaxed ATC'r that I have ever heard.


ADLAPP: "Singapore XXX, cleared ILS 23 approach, contact tower at 5 miles"
Two seconds pass with him still transmitting (can hear him moving around)

ADLAPP: "Virgin XXX, decend to 3000, track direct to Modbury"
Another 5 seconds pass, he hasnt realised that he's still transmitting

ADLAPP: "Singapore XXX, did you recieve my last transmission?"
Then you hear him go "hang on" and some russling around before a panic'd "oh shi*" and finally the transmission cuts.

SING: "Cleared ILS approach, tower at 5 miles, Singapore XXX"
VIRGIN: "Decent to 3000, track to Modbury and thanks for the entertainment, Virgin XXX".

[StillDark&Hungry]

Just happened! -

Me "Thomson 5BP contact London 132.860"

Him "132.860 Thomson 5BP, Goodnight"

North American voice "Who was that last call for?"

(Before I could reply) "Morning London Cactus 758, 370"

Me "Cactus 758 good morning route direct MID"

"Direct MID thanks 758"

Only had 2 other Americans on frequency so thought i'd check they were still with me -

"United 944 you still on?"

Reply "944 Negative"


Really didn't know how to answer that one! perhaps I should have said please come back!

[troff]

After taxiing clear of the active at the far end of the airfield at oh-dark 30, there appeared to be an animal trotting along the taxiway, right on the centerline, like it was a path.
I said to my Captain: "Careful Pat, it looks as if there is a dog on the centerline up ahead."
It was comical. We watched him trot along for a while, watching him on the screens we use to taxi with, seemingly oblivious to the huge jet behind him.
Captain Pat:"That's not a dog, it's a goat!"
I advised ATC: "Mumbai ground it's ABCXXX on taxiway bravo proceeding to our gate. We are behind a -uh- goat that is walking on the taxiway... also heading for the terminal..."
Without any hesitation the Mumbai ground controller stated: "Very well, follow the goat!"
Unbeleiveable- but true.
Some airports have official looking "Follow Me" cars or trucks. Mumbai has a follow me GOAT!

[Atcham Tower]

That throwaway reply from the Mumbai controller reminds me of something that happened long ago at Edinburgh. A BEA Vanguard had just arrived and the crew had been made aware that they were the subject of a telephoned bomb threat.
"Tower, Speedbird XX where would you like me to park?"
ATC: "As far away from the tower as possible!"

These things were not taken so seriously in those days but there was a complaint and the culprit was admonished by the boss.

[TODALDA]

I struggled to get my radio technique up to scratch while doing my PPL. I was flying with my instructor and he was tuning me into various ATC establishments and making me practice pasing messages to 'real people' - not busy stations however. Anyway I heard one aircraft and station have a pefect exchange of information - the exchange was crisp, the information flowed at a good rate, in the right order and was completed efficiently and very little 'er, erring' in the messages. After they'd finished I turned to my instructor and said, slightly patronisingly, "ooo didn't he do that well" - with my thumb on the PPT. Change frequencey, move on...

[code 7600]

ambo xx: ambulance xx an i.f.rrrrrr king air at the eastern park, two p.o.b. in receipt of whiskey and requesting taxi.:ok:

ground: (pause)..... yes... taxi holding short delta.....(you could hear the smile):D

[TiPwEiGhT]

Heard today:


AC: "ABC Tower, KLMxxx."

TWR: "KLMxxx go-ahead."

AC: "This is my last flight before my holiday sir, it would be great if you could do something about our slot time of 1400."

TWR: "Ok, I'll see what I can do for you. Where are you going? Anywhere nice?"

AC: "Yes sir, I am going to this lovely place in the south of France."

TWR: "KLMxxx, new slot time... 1425."


TiP

[code 7600]

lucky he didn't ask why there were holes in the hill next to the RWY. :p

[code 7600]

... & direct vectors for finals :D

[DrPepper]

rome: "xxx contact Roberto on 127.35..."
a/c: roberto 127.35

a/c: ciao Roberto xxx FL350
rome2: .....silence.......radard contact xxxx

[INNflight]

Shooting a practise ILS into Wichita Mid-Continent Intl on a quiet night some months ago with another pilot on the right seat who flew into that airport for the last 30 years:

ICT Approach just handed us over to tower, we called up and TWR came back:

Apache xxx did you receive your climb out instructions?

The pilot with me pushed the button and went off:

"Nope, approach was too lazy as usual, but I guess it's hdg 070 and 3000 ft."

I was kinda stunned about the response, especially the lazy part, but tower came back with "climb out instructions correct, you should work here part time"

[M.sjoberg]

Im currently working as a CFI in california and get to hear a whole bunch of funny things from both students and ATC.

A couple of weeks ago after landing on Victorvilles 15000ft of runway with our C172 my student contacted ground once of the runway.

"Victorville ground Cessna xx at E3 request taxi to the active"

"Cessna XX Victorville ground ehhhhh okey so do you need the taxi back for the full 15000 ft or is an intersection takeoff okey?"

My student started looking around and after a short pause "Well sir we wont need the full distance, could we depart from where we came instead?"

Ended up with a nice 270 departure over the boneyard of old airplanes :)


Another one was when I was heading back home with a student that had some troubles with the radio. At this point we were cruising along with our BE76 at 6000 ft at approximately 120kts direct to Mission Bay VOR when an Alaskan 737 checks in with similiar numbers on their callsign.

ATC: Alaskan 509 maintain 16000 ft, 180kts until mission bay expect the visual 27.

Radio scrambles a bit but before I hear a response from the Alaskan I hear a familiar voice reading back the clearence. I turn around and see my student looking at me with a confused face just as he finished replying to the clearence.
"He said mission bay but... now what?"

Haha I laughed, the controller laughed and the alaskan laughed. Made my day anyways. :p

[BradG]

YouTube - Funny KVNY (Van Nuys, CA) ATIS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDnXqC2603Y)

Why can't the guys at my airport do this sometime?

[Silencium]

Heard on Maastricht when Viking XXX called in.

Viking: Maastricht good day Viking XXX FL 290 inbound (point)
ATC: Hello Viking XXX continue climb FL 350 be level within 8 minutes.
Viking: Climb FL 350 level within 8 Viking XXX
Pause
Viking: Maastricht Viking XXX it will be hard for us to reach 350 in 8
ATC: You can´t climb 6000 feet in 8 minutes? You are a 320 aren´t you
Viking: Yes but we are full
ATC: And confirm you have 2 engines?
Then there was just silence on the frequency for 1 minute until everything went back to normal.

/S

[etsd0001]

In the early '80's after a Junkers 52 was rebuilt it did a tour of European countries. I was watching on appr to LGW wnen the tower said

"Caledonian XXX cleared to line up after the landing Junkers"

Quick as a flash someone was on the radio with "Now that isn't something hear often these days"

[BradG]

Someone posted this on studentpilot.com today.

I completed a flight review yesterday, but that's not really the subject.

We went from KAPA to KFTG for some takeoffs and landings. If you look at KFTG on a chart (or skyvector.com) you'll see how close it is to KDEN. If you zoom in on Google maps (http://maps.google.com/maps?q=kftg&i...h&z=15&iwloc=A (http://maps.google.com/maps?q=kftg&ie=UTF8&hl=en&ll=39.791094,-104.573793&spn=0.012003,0.029612&t=h&z=15&iwloc=A)) the Class B surface area begins at Imboden Road. I think it's a bit less than a mile from the end of the runway.

So anyway, we're doing full-stop-taxi-backs on runway 8. There's also an experimental in the pattern.

During one of our taxi-backs:
Tower: Experimental XXXXX. Turn toward the runway now. You're inside the Class B.
Exp: It was that last half mile. Tom and I looked at each other. The pilot's voice sounded surprising casual about it to both of us.

During our next taxi back:
Tower: Experimental XXXX. Turn base now. You're inside the Class B.We didn't hear the response if there was one. During our last taxiback, we heard the Experimental trying to talk but the radio was a bit garbled:
Ground: Transmission garbled. Experimental XXXX, is that you heading east on the taxiway?
Exp: Yes.
Ground: Are your radios working now?
Exp: Yes.
Tower: I have a number for you to call...We switched to Tower for takeoff.

Tom and I were expecting it. He turned to me and said, "He'll probably be calling you on Monday..."

[Cave Troll]

Was flying around Angola a few years back. We were with Luanda control who were trying thier utmost to control various russian aircraft who's english was not great.

Luanda CTL : RA**** say your DME.
RA****: Luanda my DME 1000 rate of foot.



On another occasion flying from FAGG to FACT we were in a 727 at FL280 going into a 40knot Head wind. SAA 737 at FL 260 same routeand just behind us. Capetown ATC ask us our ground speed:

Me: 450 kts
Cpt ATC: Springbok *** say your ground speed
SAA: 380 kts so don't worry we will not catch the 727. {said with attitude}
Me: Capetown would you like me to start my number 3 engine to increase our separation.

SAA was very quiet after that but the ATC thaught it was funny.

ct

[John Hill]

There must be a thousand variation on the 'phantom aircraft prank' but the one I saw was very nicely done from the comfort of the runway inspection vehicle.

The pranksters sat in the parked vehicle with the engine roaring (for that authentic aircraft sound) while they used the vehicle VHF and watched the confusion in the tower through binoculars.

They gave a couple of position reports and watched as the assistant went across to the teletype looking for the missing flight plan, they asked for clearance to land which they got, then asked for taxi clearance which they got while watching 3 or 4 people in the tower scan the runways looking for the aircraft. They asked if it was "OK to park here?" and watched as people came out of the tower and walked all around the outer balcony searching for the aircraft. They got an answer along the lines of "Park any of the marked positions".

The ATCOs said nothing about the incident to anyone but for months afterwards the callsign of the phantom aircraft could be heard wispered in bars and parties.

[Murphy_Dog]

I had recently got my PPL at a non-ATC airfield. I went on to do my night rating at Bournemouth, it was getting closer to summer and Bournmouth closed at 9pm. I had to do 5 more full stop landings to get my night rating, and it was only getting dark later and later, each flight I did, I only got in one Stop n go due to other traffic. On the last possible night of flying (sun set was 20:40 and curfew was 9pm) I managed to taxi and get airbourne just on darkness, with my instructors words ringing in my ears 'Make sure you are on the deck before 9pm, if 400 pounds a minute after 9pm', which shouldn't have been a problem as I only had one more landing to go to get the endorsement.

Anyway, as i was about to turn base, ATC asked me to orbit while they bought in an RPT, fine, it was a nice night and the lights of Bournemouth and the Solent spreadout were a pleasant site. Something must have happened at Southhampton, because suddenly he kept moving other aircraft from southhampton into Bournemouth ahead of me saying 'Sorry G-XYZ, you are now number two...then sorry XYZ, now number three..'. No problem all this orbiting at night is probably a good experience right?

It gets to 20:58, and its all gone quite on the RT, 20:59..Bournemouth says 'XYZ are you coming down tonight or are you staying up there until morning?'

Oops, I make like a stuka and get on the ground a minute or so past 9pm, remembering that I was actually allowed to contine the approach after all the other aircraft had landed.

[Quintilian]

This one is all fresh out of the tower (and it's even my own mistake!):

"LN-XXX make a LEFT three-sixty to the RIGHT!.... My instructor almost fell to the floor laughing :D

/TH

[ron83]

yeah,that's a good one :}:}

[poldek77]

One day in EHAM/AMS:
Speedbird is on her way to terminal after landing. Then ATC calls:
GND: Speedbird XXX hold position at [...], your gate is still occupied.
A/C: Roger, holding position.
After a while:
A/C: Do you have any idea how long it may take?
GND: They reported to be ready in two minutes.
A/C: Ok, thanks.
GND: But you never know - these are pilot's minutes...

[ArthurBorges]

Madame is the French and equivalent of Madam, with the stress on the other syllable.

Over beer, wine and/or whiskey, just tell them the ladies would be flattered to be called "Madame".

Once you've jumpstarted the process, the stress will shift to the right syllable and then you could nudge it along later on in the camaraderie by using Ma'am in their presence. Then all you have to do is wait until their look of confusion transmutes into a question.


You can then impress them with the word "elision" which is the techie term for skipping the "d" (or other bits and pieces of words and phrases).

Enjoy!

[High 6]

Flying through Syrian airspace used to require pilots to advise ATC of aircraft type and registration.. for the purposes of overflight charges.

Story goes, an American carrier overflying at 0200 in the morning

Syrian Controller - A/c XXXX confirm you are a B767, registration N12345A?

A/C - (Slow American Drawl)..... Man, you got good eyes. :cool:

[nishant chander]

a real good one:)

[TwoFiftyBelowTen]

A quiet time in North Queensland, Australia

ATC "FKG advise intended cruise speed"

VH-FKG ".70 Mach"

Long pause, then a Twin Otter pilot on the frequency who obviously knows the controller comes in with the unsolicited information, "Centre, TGC, we're cruising at Mach .255"

ATC "Ah, ... TCG, thanks very much. How long did that take you to work out?"

TGC "A little while, but we've got plenty of time to contemplate such things up here in the 'Otter!"

[flying_highover]

Heard on Dublin Freq. today.

Midland: "Eh, we're getting some music on the freq. here."
Dub: "Yeah, we've been getting reports of that alright. The music any better?"

Few mins later>>>

Midland: (very serious tone) "It seems like choir music or church music."
Dub: (mocking) "Eh, yeah, you'll be hitting Motown in a minute."

[allrounder99]

Yesterday, I Had an Air Baltic come on frequency and as a Direct I asked him if he had XXX further along in his flight plan.

me: "Airbaltic yyy do you have the point XXX further along after DETNI?"

"standby.....(pause) ah negative, no XXX"

"Ok what about ZZZ"?

"Standby.....ah no we don't have that either sorry"

"Ok maybe you have AAA(sounding hopeful)"?

"Standby.....(excitement from the cockpit) AH YES we are having that point!"

"Oh thank goodness, we could have been here all night! proceed now to AAA"

"(amidst laughs) Direct AAA thank you very much!"

[Grum]

Vnukovo ground: " VJ-XXX taxi holding point 24 via taxi-way 14, M1, follow the leader van."

VJ-XXX: " Ok vee vill taxi point 24 via 14, M1 and vee vill follow ze LITTLE van."

[smith]

ATC: "What is your height and position"

A/C: "I'm 6'2" and I'm sitting in the cock-pit"

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Jeeezz, smith, I think I first heard that in the 60s!!

[Lon More]

I think Wilbur said it to Orville.:)

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Or was it Pontius?

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

You need to freak out - this is the ATC HUMOUR forum!!!!

Good luck anyway

[Lon More]

Pontius may well have said it to Mortus.

I see the Paddy Factor at work again, Abz217.:8

[ChrisEmerson]

Sort of fits in this thread...

Exchange between NASA controllers and Apollo 11 just before the Eagle takes off from the moon to come home:

NASA: "Our guidance recommendation is PNGCS, and you're cleared for take off"
Buzz Aldrin: "Roger, understand we are number one on the runway"

[smith]

Jeeezz, smith, I think I first heard that in the 60s!!

HD, I think you need to freak out too :ok:

Was watching Airplane last week and that was one of the jokes. Made me chuckle anyway, so thought I'd share it with the pprune faithful.

I know its an old joke but as far as I know its not been used on this thread and the title of the thread is NOT "New or current ATC humour" anyway. :D

He he

[supraspinatus]

Not really my experience, but I heard it at work...

The atco was vectoring for ILS. The ac was given the intercept heading with instructions to report established on the loc.
The ac went straight through and the pilot reported:
"We are going through the loc, but correcting"
Apparantly too much, he overshoots again.
Finally when established the atco asks: "What happened there?"
Pilot: "I'm sorry, I am a bit high on speed".

[Wookey]

Apologies if this has been posted before but dont have time to check every page !!

An old one I remember being reported I think in the Daily Telegraph. BA (BEA?) Trident inbound to Heathrow running low on fuel requests priority approach.

Controller: BA XXX confirm your endurance

Trident (mishearing the request): Well I'm with the Prudential and the Trident is with Lloyds I think.

[Katamarino]

Flying back to Rotterdam from Biggin Hill in my little 152 on Sunday, I overheard another SEP informing London Info that he'd be climbing to FL1000. We all wish him luck.

[newtownards]

Air traffic to jet about to establish on the localiser:-

ATC- Speedbird XXX can i turn you on at 3 miles?

Jet- Madam, you may certainly try..

---

ATC- piper can you turn left and report your heading?

Piper- 340, 341, 342, 343...

---

ATC- Speedbird XXX, you are number 3 of 2 for the approach..

Jet- thats ok, 5 out of 3 pilots cant count!

---

ATC- Globemaster, can you just confirm the reg/callsign of your wingman?

Globemaster- erm.. Sir we are a 1 aircraft flight...

Silence...

ATC- Ooh you have traffic :)

---

On a more serious note i know of a pilot who called up Manston tower asking to land immediately, when asked to elaborate he said there was 17 tons of TNT onboard, and the aircraft was on fire!

[Scooby Don't]

I see the Piper pilot also can't tell left from right....

[Moira]

Attentive as always, Scooby Don't! :E:D

[Jwscud]

Apparently the Qantas flight from EGLL yesterday was allocated squawk 2121 and asked to repeat it at every handover...:D

(And before anyone complains, shamelessly ripped from a post on Flyer...)

[PPRuNe Radar]

Apparently the Qantas flight from EGLL yesterday was allocated squawk 2121 and asked to repeat it at every handover...

Nice try, but this squawk is allocated to Amsterdam :)

[rdg102]

they had to specially request it be reallocated for the day, but this did happen :ok:

[Lon More]

they had to specially request it be reallocated for the day

Probably all the way to the London FIR boundary

Code allocation is computer generated, google ORCAM if you want to know more; anyway, apart from a few tossers:suspect: who gives a :mad: for cricket?

[wiccan]

ALL of Oz....rather "more" than a few.........
bb

[ahepburn]

My callsign is C-FUCH.

Some years ago:

Me: "Lethbridge Radio, this is Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Hotel"

Lethbridge (female operator): "Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Kilo, Lethbridge"

Me "Was that a Feudian slip madam?"

Lethbridge: Silence.

And:

Me: "Palm Beach Departure, Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Hotel with you out of two thousand"

PBI: "Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Kilo, roger, climb an maintain 5 thousand"

Me: "Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie HOTEL, up to 5"

PBI: "Charlie Fox Uniform Charlie Kilo, proceed direct Freeport"

Me: "Direct Freeport, and before we part company, I'm determined you're going to get my callsign right"

PBI: "Uniform Charlie Kilo, roger"

Female voice on PBI frequency: "I'm his supervisor, and he sure is going to get it right Sir"

[ahepburn]

ATC: "Lufthansa 123, Preston" (Yes, it wasn't yesterday)

Silence

ATC: "Lufthansa 123, Preston Airways, do you read?"

Silence

ATC: "Lefthansa 123, this is Preston Airways on 123 decimal 4, how do you read?"

Silence, then

Unknown: "Vi haff vays off making you tokk"

[YRP]

Apparently the Qantas flight from EGLL yesterday was allocated squawk 2121 and asked to repeat it at every handover...

(And before anyone complains, shamelessly ripped from a post on Flyer...)

Okay, Google didn't help me with this one, so I gotta ask...

[ex-EGLL]

Something to do with Cricket and a bowl of ashes I think. England won the series 2-1

ex-egll

[AJ7]

Whilst on the topic of Qantas...

''Speedbird XXX, give way to the Qantas A380 right to left''

''Roger, we'll give way to the block of flats... Speedbird XXX''

[Rogdabbit]

Last month I was doing MACC North Tac when Leeds ring, the Planners busy so I answered:

" Hi Leeds, Manch North"
" Hi Manch, can you tell BEExxx thats just departed that after him we did a runway inspection and found a dead plumber on the runway! We think its him thats done it" - I just laughed, then they say "Its a bird by the way"

So, I try and collect myself for 4000ft of the BEE's climb before saying:
"BEExxx message from Leeds, they've found a dead plumber on the runway and they think its you thats killed him"
"Ahhhhh BEExxx roger, we'll take a look when we land", then 5 seconds later he goes "I'd have expected a Sparkie but not a plumber"
By this time we're all laughing so I reply:
"That'll teach him for digging up the drains at the wrong time"

Few minutes later its time to chuck him
"BEExx contact manchester, 128.050"
"Roger, 128.050, we'll try not to kill anymore tradesmen enroute"
Im pissing myself by now and squeek out something along the lines of
"It's the chippies you've got to watch, they're lethal"

Then 30 secs later Leeds ring:
"Tell the BEE it wasn't him that killed the plumber it was someone else"

We tried explaining it to West but it all got too much

[Atcham Tower]

Watch out for joiners at Wallasey ...

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

What's a plumber? Never heard that in a lifetime of birding!!

[Atcham Tower]

Maybe a misheard plover?

[ThreadBaron]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a113/threadbaron/SwampATC1.gif
Swamp cartoon used with permission

[DX Wombat]

TB, did they get him from Birmingham or Cranfield? :E :uhoh:

Overheard a few days ago at Yeadon: a pilot in an aircraft belonging to a local company requested his clearance to "M'lager". Obviously anticipating a reyhdration break at Malaga (or maybe a comment on what he believed to be the future activities of his passengers.) :E

[Pugilistic Animus]

YouTube - JFK ground (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUnVlyyar4M&feature=related)
YouTube - Chicago ATC Conga Line Vectoring (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEhv4DJLN7M)

:}:}:}

[Rogdabbit]

What's a plumber? Never heard that in a lifetime of birding

It's what she said - I just passed on the message :)

[lamix1w]

It probably was a plumber!!! I mean maximum runway utilisation and all that!!!:ugh:

[NaFenn]

From a few weeks ago:

(Side Notes: a Cessna 152 Cruises at 95 knots, a Cherokee 6 cruises at about 145 knots)

ABC"Jandakot Tower, ABC, Cessna, is 6 miles south, 1500 inbound received Delta"
Tower "ABC"
ZYX"Jandakot Tower, ZYX, Cherokee 6, is 6 miles south 1500 inbound received Delta, we have ABC in sight, and are manouvering to pass him"
Tower "ZYX"
(a few Seconds Later)
ABC "ABC, Forrestdale Lake"
Tower "ABC, overfly 1500 follow the preceding Cherokee
ABC "What Cherokee?"
ZXY "I'ma comin, i'ma comin... ZXY Forrestdale Lake"

[low n' slow]

Heard this one from a friend who flew a ferryflight up north in Sweden.

A company flight was also northbound for a different airport and being in the middle of the night, they were more or less the only two aircraft on the frequency.

ATC 1- "X-jet 123, contact Sweden 132.150"
X-jet 123 - "Sweden 132.150, good evening"
ATC 1- "X-jet 321, also over to Sweden 132.150, evening"
X-jet 321 - "Sweden 132.150, evening"

Both switch to the new frequency but there's no room for both at the same time on the next frequency. They both block each other on 132.150. A very bored female controller who probably hasn't handled any flights for the past hour asks:

ATC 2 "okay, who was first"
X-jet 123 "pick me, pick me, pick me!"

The controller apparantly breaks down in laughter.

Sorry if I didn't do the story justice if anyone who was there reads this, but I thought it was funny...

/LnS

[Scrotchidson]

Hey guys, been reading through all the pages for information.

Last year I applied and past the 1st, 2nd stage and then tooked the 3rd stage and didn't make it through. I was disappointed but after doing my research I realised that you can take light from it and realise many ATC's fail the first time around so I can re-apply in 12 months with experience. I did phone and e-mail NATS for feedback on my Stage 3 assessment and I heard nothing back which was disappointing. I kinda knew where I went wrong anyway's but you'd expect NATS to give out feedback.

I am going to re-apply very soon but I was wondering if I could get a bit of help from anyone which would be much appreciated.

1.) Where's the best place to arrange a tower visit and has anyone done it recently where they can give me any contact numbers etc. (this is one thing I didn't do on my first time around)

2.) Can anyone give any information about what's life is like as a student at the college and their job as a ATC where its area or aerdrome, pros and cons (had information before but new opinions and experiences are very useful)

Thank you very much,

Scott :ok: