ATC Humour (Merged)

[Aluminium Mallard]

There was a tractor mowing the grass around the airfield today.

After requesting to cross an active runway and operate in the helicopter training area I was informed of another helicopter "mowing the grass" in the vicinity haha!

I could hear the other ATC guys laughing in the background :)

[AC Scott]

Korean ATC: China Air ## heavy increase climb rateee

China Air ## heavy: Ah razha, Increase crime rate

[HispeedApproved]

From one of my former colleagues, generally a funny guy...

Pilot: "TWR, SAS123, did we check in?"

ATC: "No you didn't. Please do" :}

[jjj2]

Over the frequency somewhere in the southern Europe:

Controller: State the purpose of your flight?

Aircraft: Ah, pay the alimony, make some money and have a good time

Controller: I meant, are you commercial flight or private flight?

Aircraft: Aforementioned still applies but we are a commercial one

[flying apple]

Overheard this as first thing on the ground frequency after landing somewhere in the UK:

AC: How bad is it?
GROUND: Not as bad as being poked in the eye with a wooden stick. Your slot is at ..:..

[haughtney1]

Landing at LHR..clearing the runway and contacting ground...in sheeting rain and blowing a gale..
"xxxx123 runway vacated A7....lovely weather!"
"xxxx123, left on Alpha hold short link 26....yeah and there's still a hosepipe ban!"
Classic LHR humour:E

[Jwscud]

An absolute genius controller at Thames yesterday to me, struggling against the wind in a light single with a ground speed around 120kts

Controller: "G-XXXX Left heading 345 degrees - no speed restriction"

Us: "We're giving it all we've got!!"

[woocash]

APP: "XXX123 report speed"
XXX123: "Speed is good, 250 knots."
APP: "Reduce 220 knots"
XXX123: "Reducing to better speed"

[speed alive]

Arriving in FRA on a Shorts 3-60:
APP: ...good morning, my papers say, your callsign is 'irish concorde' today!
Pilot: ..oh and my approach chart says yours is 'Egelsbach Radar'!
(Egelsbach is a VFR airfield just south of FRA)

[KriVa]

ABC123: Departure, good morning, ABC123 climbing to FL60. (as described in SID)
DEP: ABC123, good morning, climb to FL70.
ABC123: Climbing to FL7000, ABC123.
DEP: Are your sure your pressurisation system will be able to handle that, sir?
ABC123: Right, climbing to FL70, ABC123.

And another one, also today (quite a fun day we had.):

GND: DEF456, taxi to holding point RWY25 via *quite a long taxi clearance*.
DEF456: Taxi to holding point.... AH F*&CK!
(the other pilot comes on the radio)
DEF456: Ground, Stand By, DEF456.

[caviator]

Happened at OPLA:
An MFI-17 (single eng piston) lined up, a B-747 on finals don't know how far.
ATC tells the Boeing cleared to land blah blah.
boeing pilot says : ok, but what is this tiny toony thing on the runway..
MFI-17 pilot: Lahore, Zulu-20 rolling, CAUTION FOR PROPWASH..

[autolycus224]

Not sure if these have been seen before but when at "Gatters" in the 70's I had a bit of a reputation for quick wit! Inbound Britannia 737 "Gatwick, we have just descended through a layer of icing. "Quick as a flash "Roger, be advised that preceding A/C reported a thick layer of marzipan below that". Even quicker and before he could answer, "The A/C before him reported turbulence due to lots of currents, but not to worry as it was a piece of cake"! Brilliant I thought, no response from the Britannia crew but lots of chuckles from others. Reported in Flight so I sweated a bit afterwards!
Another? Transiting light aircraft with a female on the R/T. Voice like melted chocolate and we asked her all sorts of rubbish just to listen. As they departed or airspace I asked " are you as pretty as you sound?" Very gruff male voice " Yes she is and I'm her husband!" Utter silence!
Finally, BCal 111 on finals "Outer marker Caledonian 123" "no, sorry, Caledonian 124, I was 3 yesterday" Tower Controller "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you!"
Wonderful days.:O

[rayfill]

I did the major part of my flight training in AZ, based in Mesa flying from Falcon Field airport.
We shared the airport with lots of students from France, Holland, Germany, China etc.

However, everytime a chinese student checked in with tower, we knew what was coming:

F*cking Tower, good morning, NXXXX :D

[G-OE]

Heres something I heard a while back, made me and my instructor chuckle :

LTN RDR: 'G-XXXX, whats you destination'
G-XXXX : 'No where, just gonna fly about for a bit.' :ugh:
Random voice: '....wow...' :D

[whatsarunway]

About 1997, just got the PPLh and feeling very confident, a friend (recently licenced) and myself made the long trek to Belfast from dublin on a windy crappy day. No gps and lots of being temporarily unsure of our position we finaly found aldergrove and upon pulling into the hover we were given (for the first time ever) taxi instructions.
Needles to say we didnt have a clue and didnt have the proper taxi plates. atc were kind enough to simplify things,

ATC- EI-CCT just follow the chieftan to the ramp.

some discussion between my friend ensued so we asked for some clarification.

US- eh ground can you confirm whether the chieftan is the fella with the bats or is it the truck with the follow me sign?

ATC- Eh , CCT, its the twin engine plane behind you.


we were better prepared next time :\

[Navigator33]

Twr good morning ABC XXX is on the microwave 27L

[Glamdring]

Twr good morning ABC XXX is on the microwave 27L

I don't get it???

[Cough]

I think he is trying to suggest a visual image of a pilot sitting on a microwave?

[Gulfstreamaviator]

So there was nothing funny:

He reported established on the Microwave Approach 27L.

Unless when he keyed the TX button and went "PING".


Glf

[Glamdring]

Unless when he keyed the TX button and went "PING".

Now THAT would've been funny. :ok:

[Navigator33]

Ok my bad. Thought the MLS was canned years ago :ugh:
Just thought it was a nickname for the ils.

[John R81]

Solo in an EC120 with declared PAN, intending autorotation approach, 2 miles to run, 120knt, 1400ft.


ATC: [EC120] You are No1; cleared to land, any surface. Wind 260 at 12. One in the circuit.

Me: No1, cleared to land. Will use Area 1 passing to the right of the crash truck. Visual R22 downwind in the circuit. Commencing autorotation in 30 seconds.


[Fresh call]

R22: XXXX Downwind, I can turn inside the EC120 for 26H


ATC: (very calmly) XXXX that's very interesting, thanks for letting me know; and you are still No2 to the 120 with declared PAN.




Well, it made me laugh. And "Thank You" to ATC for making things easy for me!

[gingernut]

Dear Mr Air Traffic Controller, EGCC. Just a quick thank you for sending those lovely aeroplanes over my house this morning. Can I just say what a pleasure it was to watch those magnificent men (and ladies) in their flying machines. My trusty hound, Max, and I were particularly impressed how the wake vortex from the Singapore Airlines 777 made the panes in our greenhouse shudder and rattle. Oh how those Pratt and Whitney's sing ! Interestingly, I'm having the morning off tomorrow, and I was wondering if you would prefer to share the delights of those lovely aeroplanes with my friends in Stockport. I'm told the Peak District is a delight at present, and I'm sure all those fee paying passengers would delight in how close Kinder Scout looks at this time of year. I wouldn't worry too much about the wind direction thing, I'm told aeroplanes can land quite safely with up to a 5mph tail wind (Unless Prince Charles is flying it.) Bruce Willis made it look easy in "Die Hard II" Anyway, must sign off for now, heres hoping you have a lovely day, ginge :-)

[The Many Tentacles]

Somebody's grumpy

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Indeed... and I used to have respect for him.

[gingernut]

Not grumpy, a little tired perhaps, knew the risk when I moved here, and I LOVE 'EM ;)

[RiskyFowler]

On the sims, practising avoiding actions on airway 060º-240º oppossite track traffic:
TATC: "TOM324 avoiding action, turn right inmediately heading 120º"
TOM324: "Turning right heading 120º..."
TACT "BEE11J avoiding action turn left inmediately heading 180º.... OH F**K!!:eek:" (with the pedal still pressed!!!)

:E

[TOUCH-AND-GO]

GRD: Cessna 172 ABC follow companying traffic with the yellow tail on taxiway Bravo then right onto November.

ABC: Copy that follow the BANANA on bravo then right onto November. :}

[AdamFrisch]

This happened to me just today flying back from Las Vegas:

LA Center: Squawk 4666.
Me: Hey, that sounds a bit menacing. Squawking 4666 now.

After a pause:

LA Center: I can give you another squawk if you prefer, sir.
Me: It's fine, I'm an atheist.
LA Center: Haha. Radar contact.

[Ka6crpe]

This happened some years ago when I was in uncontrolled airspace and need to clip the corner of some class D: In New Zealand all glider registrations start with G

Me: "ROT tower, this is GML. Overhead xxx at 4500', request clearance to transit direct to yyy."

Tower: "GML: Please Orbit and maintain height and position"

Me: "Tower: This is Glider ML. I can orbit, or maintain height, or hold position. Please choose one."

[woocash]

Demonstrating differences vs european and US phraseology few days ago on approach frequency:

UPS9 climb FL230, expedite through FL120.
Roger - climbing 230, desperate till 120.

[GLuis103]

ahahahaha priceless :D:D

[Steve6443]

Don't know if these have been posted before:

-------------------------------------------
a/c: Twr, request approximate time check;

Twr: Saturday.....

-------------------------------------------

or these after slightly dodgy landings:

Twr: G-XX, request number of souls on board

a/c: G-XX: Two plus a dog

Twr: Presume dog was Pilot in Command....

-------------------------------------------

Twr: G-XX, can you please confirm Pilot's name is Tigger.......

[skiper27]

Accoding to my older colleagues this really happend:
ATC: "Report 2 minutes before field in sight"

[Jwscud]

Overheard on the ground frequency at a major Scottish airport.

Ryanair XXX "Request clearance to Rygge"

Ground "Rygge? Where's that"

Ryanair "Near Oslo"

Undentified interloper "About 1000 miles away you mean"

Ryanair "Oooh-err missus"

Ground "Now Now"

Flybe "In penance, it appears our stand isn't ready"

Made me laugh anyway - thanks chaps :ok:

[Barnacle_Bill]

Heard this morning

Bearing in mind Rex operates SAAB 340's


ATC: Rex 2 zero HEAVY
Rex202: 2 zero WHAT?

[Doug E Style]

Heard this exchange recently over the North Sea between a Heathrow-bound BA flight and London ATC.

A/C "Speedbird XYZ, we're running very early, can we slow down in the descent?"
ATC "You can, but there's a few just behind you so you'll lose your place in the sequence."
A/C "Ok, we're not that early."

[66scampton69]

In the Radar room the conversations sometimes bear record.
New Controller (hard-pressed): ‘Jack, Jack! I’ve got an urgent medivac here!’
Senior colleague, who’s seen it all before: ‘Don’t look at me, mate, I’m not a f****** doctor!’

[Juggler25]

Something along these lines was overheard this morning.

ATC: 'Virginxxx fly heading 090 degrees'
Virginxxx: 'Heading 090 degrees, Virginxxx'
ATC: 'Batman118 descend FL180'
Batman118: 'Descend FL180, Batman118'
Unknown voice: 'Batman?!'
Unknown voice: 'Nanananana'
Unknown voice: 'Where's Robin?'
Unknown voice: 'And Catwoman?!'
Unknown voice: 'She's sat next to me!'
Unknown voice: 'What kinda callsign is that?!'
Batman118: 'Just because you're jealous...'

Made me chuckle

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Great stuff. Glad to know that humour still exists.

[Burnie5204]

ATCA landlines our office: "Can you send one of the guys out for a thingumybob"
Our Dispatcher: "A what?"
ATCA: "You know... a thingumybob"

A couple of minutes later one of the vehicles is out

Ops1: "Ground, Ops 1"
GND: "Ops 1, ground"
Ops1: "Ground, Ops 1. I've been asked to come out for a 'Thingumybob'. What sort of 'Thingumybob' would you like?"
GND: "Ooooh well a runway check thingumybob would be nice please"

[kcockayne]

Edinburgh 1973
Round about 1800 the ATC vehicle is dispatched to the local fish & chip shop for the ATCO/ATCAS' teas.
Oops we forgot to ask the APP what his order was. No problem, the ATC vehicle has R/T on 118.7 (TWR freq.)
We call the vehicle. It hasn't got to the shop yet, so we ask for a fish supper for the APP.
As soon as the order is given up comes "Albion XXX"( BAW Trident on finals 13), "make that another fish supper & a sausage supper".
Can't remember if we got those for the crew.

[Una Due Tfc]

It always puts a smile on my face when I get to say "go ahead Batman". Also, turning to a colleague and saying "wait a minute, Gotham needs me" when GTHxxx calls is quite enjoyable. Always wondered if the 2 companies have anything to do with eachother

[poldek77]

Isn't "Gotham" the callsign of French State VIP flights?

[Una Due Tfc]

It's always been American pilots I speak to with Gotham. I believe "Cotam" (CTM) is the one you are thinking of

[Fantome]

'Nightingale 9' was an American MD80 medivac operating in the Middle East during the first Gulf War. One of her pilots, a woman, was not having any joy
getting a response from a Muslim accented controller. After several fruitless calls an Amercan male voice (in another US aircraft) chipped in with -

"XXX do you read Nightingale 9?"

That resulted in the controller saying to Nightingale 9 -

"Have your captain call me."

Nightingale 9 responds -

"I am the captain arsehole . Now speak to me."

[ZOOKER]

Gotham is a splendid village in Nottinghamshire, just north of the 'EME' NDB.
It was the headquarters of the much-loved, and highly-dependable 'South Notts Bus Company'. :ok:

[RAC/OPS]

Muslim accented? What country would that be? I have a Christian accent.

[FougaMagister]

The "COTAM" callsign covers all French Air Force Military Airlift Command flights (no matter the aircraft type). The acronym stands for Commandement du Transport Aérien Militaire.

Cheers :cool:

[RAC/OPS]

I thought it was nous capitulons + m

[Sturmovik]

My flight training happened at a small airfield where the only runway was 17/35 which had exits only at the southern end. So when 35 was in use, planes landing had to backtrack all the way down to exit. To complicate matters, we also had a rule prohibiting students from doing solo touch and gos. So the circuit was often hell for all involved, with students landing, backtracking, lining up again and taking off. One of the students was notorious for taxiing at snail's pace, and with four others in the circuit along with him (and with the aforementioned rules), go-arounds were frequent. One evening, he had already caused four go-arounds in half an hour. I was number 2 behind an aircraft on finals, and our hero was backtracking after landing. ATC asked him to expedite so he could clear the guy on finals, and the call was acknowledged. At which point, a frustrated voice came over the radio.. "Oh what's the f***ing point? He's gonna add 10 rpm."

Number 1 did not have to go around that time :)

[surfingatco]

Happened yesterday at a dual runway airport in the South of England:
Me (Final Director): "We've had reports of severe icing at your altitude - are you getting any?"
Pilot: "Not even enough to make a Margarita!" :)

[ExSp33db1rd]

Apologies, only just discovered this thread and haven't time to start from the beginning right now, so I'm probably repeating old stories ?

Many, many, years ago a colleague was flying from Nairobi to Heathrow, close to Paris and that VOR spelled with all the vowels at least twice, and totally unpronouncable to all but the French. Something like Rambouilliet?

Radio quiet, until interrupted by - and here you must insert your own Aussie accent - quote " Paris Control ( or whatever it was, memory escapes me) this is Qantas 9, over Deejonn at one two, flt. level 330, estimating Ramb.....er, estimating Rambber ..... estimating Rambollox at four seven". " Er.. zaygenn Qantas?" "Jeez, I just told you, over Deejonn at one two, flt. level 330, estimating Rambollox at four seven."

And a very British voice came right back and said .." that's right Cobber, you tell them."

We've had reports of severe icing at your altitude - are you getting any?" Pilot: "Not even enough to make a Margarita!"and the PanAm Captain who asked for a lower altitude due turbulence, and ATC asked him what sort of turbulence he was experiencing (light,moderate or severe, he meant) and PanAm replied with " well, I don't rightly know what sort of turbulence you might call it, but I've got white caps on my coffee ! "

Training at Latcc, Busy holding in the morning and having rattled off a diversion route to egcc, the reply in a wonderful southern drawl " can you say again after leave MERLY? Iwrite about as slow as I talk"Heard something similar at LAX, where a controller was talking very quickly, eventually an American pilot said, in that Southern Drawl, 'Say, Loss Angelees Tower do you'all hear how slow ah tawk ? Waal, that's how slow ah think - say aggen, slooowwwly.

Sorry, looking back that seems to be a recurring theme !

LAX to LHR, Polar Route, approaching the Canadian border we heard this ( edited ) ... a/c XXX cleared as filed, maintain 350, omit position reports and at time 35 contact Salt Lake Centre on 133.5. a/c acknowledged. Shortly after - XXX you still with me - Yup. You bound for Vegas ? - Yup. You a 10? (meaning DC-10 ) - Yup. Didn't know your outfit flew 10's - Do now. Waal, I guess your passengers need a DC-10 to carry home all their winnings? - Nope,our passengers can carry home all their winnings in a Cessna 152 !

( I got an AvWeb hat for that, as they published it in their Short Final section ! my 15 minutes of fame !! )

[Fursty Ferret]

(On approach): SPEEDBIRD 123, you can roll to the end if you want.
(After landing): SPEEDBIRD 123, follow the greens to stand. Thought you were going to roll further than that...

BA123: Sorry, my first officer doesn't do anything I tell him...

[LeeJoyce]

Short story...


I was asked "how do you want to conduct the tow."

I replied "with the tug"


There was much laughter in the tower from what I could hear...

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Fursty ferret. Brilliant. Reminds me of one of Chris Wren's cartoons in Flight many moons ago. Timid looking captain and a bossy looking F/O alongside who is saying: "Well, are you going to trust me or those instruments." (Wonder what happened to Chris Wren?)

[Fantome]

E A 'Chris' Wren - 1909-1982

The Aeroplane artist Chris Wren was the envy of Flight magazine. His column Wroundabout and the
aerodynamic animation of his aircraft caricatures, which somehow looked more real than the originals, and his wartime "Oddentifications" won him an enormous international aviation fan club. In fact it was because of Wren that Flight started its enormously popular page Straight and Level. The Empire Test Pilots School mess is filled with his drawings of the hundreds of international pilots who have attended it over the years. He died at the 1982 ETPS annual dinner—an occasion he would never miss—at a youthful 73 and at the height of his powers.

He was a direct descendant of another Wren, one Christopher,
whose mark upon the English landscape and London architecture in particular, is profound, and timeless. The latter day Wren, in his own right, deserves a lasting place in the annals to which he contributed so magnificently, so wittily and so unstintingly.

One May morning in 1974 I had the rare honour of having Chris seated in the RH drivers seat of the Queenair from Alice Springs to VRD . (So he could connect there with a Darwin flight). His conversation about his long close involvement with aviation luminaries right across the board in the UK was nothing short of spell binding.

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Thanks Fantome. Sad about CW. Flight was great in those days.

[Fantome]

A curious thing that CW collapsed and died at a ceremonial dinner,
in that that was exactly what happened to Charles Lindbergh's
longtime aviator associate, John Grierson, who was delivering a memorial
address in honour of the late CAL, when his ticker too failed him.

John Grierson's book "I Remember Lindbergh" is a very good read.
Grierson was a notable test pilot, having flown, among others types , the Gloster E28/39. Like CAL he was highly articulate, a born writer, both cultured and sensitive. The sort that are loved and revered long after their death.

(Any Moorabbin folk who might like to see some of Chris Wren's work, go to Rolfe Aviation and ask Graham in the office if you may have a look at the Chris Wren cartoons pasted up in the lunch room.)

[Connetts]

These are true: first happened to, and second heard by, me.

I'm having a flying lesson and landing at EGTE one glorious, peaceful, sunny, dead-calm Devon evening in the club C152. I am still very low hours, and enjoying myself greatly. I remember dimly being told that on finals when cleared to land one does not give a read-back of the wind.
ME: November Foxtrot turning finals.
TOWER: November Foxtrot is cleared to land runway 26. The wind is calm.
ME: November Foxtrot is cleared to land. Thanks for the weather.
TOWER: (in a heavy RAF drawl) Don't mention it, old boy. We had nothing to do with it. We rather like it ourselves, actually.....
______
A year or two later, I retired from my position at the university and my colleagues gave me a scanner as a good-bye present. I went back to live in my home town, Cape Town, after over thirty years exile. The rugby boycott of South Africa was over. One night I was lying in bed listening to FACT Tower on my scanner. The Springboks had just beaten the Lions something glorious (or horrible, depending on your point of view) earlier that day.

Speedbird xxx had just taken off and was heading north in the climb.

FACT: Speedbird xxx is cleared for Heathrow..... radar service terminates....Change to Oceanic at something decimal something. Good night. Enjoy your flight.
SPEEDBIRD xxx (in a RAF accent you could break a rock on): Change to Oceanic etc etc. Thank you..... see you next week.
UNKNOWN A/C (in a slow South African accent that could also break a rock): Yeah..... and bring a blerry rugby ball, hey?
SPEEDBIRD xxx (sadly, in said accent) Owch...

[TessCoe]

Back in 1974 or 75 (can't remember which) I was with Air Training Corps at RAF Laarbruch in the Summer Hols, this is when Jaguars were still stationed there.

We were scheduled to do some flying one day (I'm 95% certain it was in Chipmunks but may have been in Bulldogs). Anyway tower warns my instructor that there's an active exercise going on as well so be very aware of other traffic.

We roll down a grass strip and within 30 seconds of taking off some US Fastjet comes screaming across the airfield and passes about 200 yds in front of us with little or no vertical separation.

Twr : Fastjet1 (in a very very agitated voice), Lar Twr - The next time you do that across my airfield without appropriate clearances I'll get them to stick a Bloodhound up your pipe.

[con-pilot]

In the US if you work for the US Goverment as full time government employee, you are paid on a pay scale designated as GS levels, with a GS-1* as the lowest and a GS 15 the highest.

One day on a flight we were handed off to a new ATC center. As my co-pilot was flying that leg I was handling the radio and the following conversation occured.

Little ol' me; "XXXX, Justice 113 is with you FL-350.

XXXX center; "Roger Justice 113, say level."

Little ol' me, not missing a beat; "GS-14."



* I've never heard of anyone being a GS 1.

[hobbit1983]

Heard on the Isle of Man today;

Tower (female voice); "M-CD, after the small jet on finals, line up and wait"

M-CD; After the small jet, line up and wait, M-CD"

Jet (sounding peeved); "It's not that small, you know..."

Tower (without missing a beat); "I hear it's how you use it that matters...."

Made me chuckle anyhow.. ..

[Btrbill]

Working departures at DFW one day with a good 'ole redneck on the position next to me... Southwest off Dallas checks in needing to go north and my co-worker tells him to maintain 230 knots in the climb for spacing...

C525 departs another airport (Addison) also going north. Co-worker turns him northbound to preceed the B737 and tells him, Maintain 230 knots or greater. Pilot comes back with we are unable to maintain 230 knots in the climb. Co-worker emphatically states, "You paid all that money for a jet and you can't even do 230 knots?"

---------

Went to Pittsburgh one day to observe since I thought about bidding there... USAir called for taxi... two SH360 commuters approaching from the left... Ground tells USir, "Follow the pair of shorts, taxi to rwy XX."

---------

Working Local (tower)... Ground is busy with pushbacks, vehicles, and crossings... Southwest calls for taxi out of the alleyway. "Southwest 123 taxi to Rwy 10 via Bravo" SWA reads it back... As he exits the alleyway he slows due to a vehicle crossing the ramp in front of him... Pilot says, "SWA123 had to slow. That guy just darted out in front of us." Ground says, "Roger, if he is too close for missles go to guns!"

[stu_h]

Just a little one overheard this week at Heathrow:

"Speedbird 333 Papa, cleared to land 09L, wind is calm"
"Cleared to land 09L speedbird 333P, and copy no excuse"
"Well, the runway is wet"
"That'll do"

[7of9]

Today I was flying a cessna172 out of KSPI Springfield Illinois.

USAF 737 from Scott Air Force Base, ILS training.

I called inbound 11 miles request landing instructions.

Land runway 4 number one for landing.

737 downwind, calls for landing, follow the c172 on 8mile final.....

I thought this is going to be interesting!

ATC Cessna expedite landing!

Me expediting!

737 do you want me to extend downwind.

ATC Cessna change course to 360 deg.

Me wilco.

ATC to 737 turn right base number one for landing! Caution the c172 out to your left 9oclock.

737 replies.

ATC Cessna turn right & follow the C130 landing ahead of you caution the wake turbulence!

Me turn right, can see a 737 in front but no C130!

ATC thank you sir! I was just about to correct myself.....

737 we don't have that many engines.... Hear them laughing in the background...:ok:

[mgahan]

Sounds like a bad day in the office rather than humour.

[CommonI]

Traffic advisory, circa 1977, New York Metro area:
Center: Speedbird xxx, traffic two o'clock, a Lufthansa 747, westbound, climbing to xx thousand.
BAxxx: Roger New York; we have him in our sights.
An ex-RAF pilot, perhaps?

[AdamR1980]

Thought these were funny, saw them on Facebook.

http://images.teespring.com/og_pic/1152396/512904/front.png (http://www.teespring.com/airtrafficcontrollertee2)

http://images.teespring.com/og_pic/1127923/477282/front.png (http://www.teespring.com/airtrafficcontrollertee)

http://images.teespring.com/og_pic/1140418/495560/front.png (http://www.teespring.com/airtrafficcontrollertee1)

[alb92]

Was flying into Perth as part of my training in a Mooney M20, when ATC told an EK 777, "Line up behind the Mooney on final, behind" and the EK pilot responded "Whats a Mooney?"

Had a bit of a laugh, seeing as I was flying the Mooney, but just wished the controller would make some sort of witty comment, but no.

[laardvark]

perth again ....many years ago i was joining overhead at jandakot in aero commander vh-wam . tower asks 'any news regarding company aircraft mike alpha mike ? ' . experiencing a complete sense of humour failure i replied ' not aware of that aircraft' . tower asks again ' any news regarding company aircraft bravo alpha mike ? ' . a little confused now , still not getting it and wondering ' what the .... ' i replied ' not aware etc ' . only when given cnce to land with giggling in the background did the penny drop . taxying back by the tower a little 'porpoising' with the brakes produced more giggling from the ground guy .

[woocash]

German - Polish border. ACC. Severe turbulence reported by multiple aircraft between FL350 and FL380.
Aeroflot plane checks in with a heavy Russian accent:

Radar, this is AFL123 climbing FL370 passing FL245
AFL123 radar, climb FL370, be advised severe turbulence reported up to FL380
Climbing FL370, AFL123

Few minutes pass, acft maintains FL370, we can see some mode Charlie variations.

AFL123, radar, do you experience any turbulence?
Affirm AFL123
How strong?
Severe, AFL123
AFL123 do you request level change?
Negative AFL123

Consternation in the center. After few seconds a question is asked.
AFL123, radar, are you a cargo flight?
Radar, AFL123, negative, we are carrying German soldiers.

[carlosii]

Not a full funny moment, but still...happened just yesterday...

XYZ123 (female pilot with a verrrry sexy voice) - TWR, good day, we are ready for clearance

TWR - XYZ, good day, cleared via YZX departure, squawk 1234.

XYZ123 - Cleared via YZX etc.

TWR - XYZ clearance correct, report when fully ready for startup and pushback

XYZ123 (with the same soft & silky voice) - TWR, we are ready for EVERYTHING

Looooooooong pause on frequency...

TWR (with chuckles on the backround, and sounds like hesitating either to respond wittily and smart, or totally professional) - XYZ123, well, for starters startup and pushback are approved...

[Galdom]

Many years back I used to monitor area and terminal radar at Auckland when a domestic 767 checked in with the area controller at Ohura (several hundred miles from touchdown)

ABC767: "ABC767 with you FL XXX, any speed restrictions?"
Area: "ABC767 identified, you will have to ask the next sector about the speed"

Clearly the area controller passed on the speed request as when the 76 checked in with Terminal (50 miles from touchdown) I heard;

ABC767: "ABC767 with you descending to 11 thousand"
Term "ABC767, cleared to the VOR, 900 knots, descend 6000' "
ABC767: "Roger, going supersonic, descending to 6000' "

Made me smile.

[frieghtdog2000]

Many years ago - just started a JFK LAX service with BOAC so hanging in the sky somewhere in the mid-west.
ATC - Say Speedbird what's a VC15?
Me - It's a Super VC10
ATC - What's That?
Unidentified American Voice - It's a kind of a hot rod Visssscount.

[Lon More]

LEBL ATIS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bDOZooUUNE

[haughtney1]

Haha Lon, educational you tube...

[Waterfordman]

Absolute Classic

Hello Marmite Speedbird ....

Marmite didnt lose a beat and danced the hello back :rolleyes:

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

She is magic...

[PAXfips]

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.


Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off.
Std: What should I do? What should I do?
Inst: What do you think you should do?
Std: Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.
Inst: That's a good idea.

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off, runway 12.
Std: What should I do? What should I do?
Inst: What do you think you should do?
Std: Maybe I should tell the tower.
Inst: That's a good idea.
Std: Cessna 123, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger 123, hold your position — Deer on runway 12 cleared for immediate departure.

(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for departure, runway 12. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

(from EDDHde)

[hvogt]

English ground instructor teaching nav in a German flight school. Students are struggeling to find LFPB on an en-route chart. Instructor goes "Come on folks, you should be able to find Paris; you invaded it."

[amberale]

Hey folks.
A wife of a fellow controller is doing a stand up comedy gig soon.
She has lots of non ATC material but I suggested. " A pilot, an ATC and God walk into a bar."
Come on, give us your best responses please.
I'm still working on mine.
Cheers

[hard_landing]

A number of years ago I flew into Barton. On final approach the wind caught me out a bit and the approach was a bit ropey to say the least.

After landing:

ATC: "G-xxxx do you have an aerobatics licence?"
Me: "errrrr no G-xxxx"
ATC: "Another landing like that and you might have to get one!"

[Wojtus]

Helicopter student pilot after startup for a 80NM practice route:

- Tower, SP-XXX at stand 5, requesting air taxi via... eeeh.. via flight plan route!

[Ditchdigger]

" A pilot, an ATC and God walk into a bar."


The bartender says, "Wow. I'm honored to be in the presence of a Supreme Being. What can I get you?" And all three start to answer at the same time...

[southernnorthener]

Confusion over stand allocation lead to the following conversation with two pilots in orange jets

ATC: "EZY456, change of stand, you're now going to stand 22"
EZY456 "Roger, continuing to stand 22"
...
EZY123: "Ground, EZY123 vacated"
ATC: "EZY123, taxi on A and hold short of B, you were supposed to be going to stand 22, but the company ahead has just stolen that one"
EZY123: "Roger, A and hold short B, and if you could get his name we'll have words in the crew room"

[Lon More]

Haha Lon, educational you tube...

If you want educational try listening to a tape of the Tower at Oshkosh during the annual EAA Fly-in

"Oshkosh, what's my number for landing?"

"Fly 10 North to the gravel pit, find the last aircraft and get behind him."

[ShannonACC]

Dublin ground: BAW836 is your outbound flight the BAW81D to Heathrow?

BAW836: I've no idea, I'm getting off!

Dub: Roger haha!

BAW836: We're goin' to the pub.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7s6t-i2lXg

[Lon More]

Air Traffic Control to a plane that had just groundlooped: "Foxtrot Tango, do you require assistance or would you just like a little music?"

[Lon More]

A controller passed away unexpectedly and went to heaven. God said to the controller "Hey! I wasn't expecting you here so soon!"
The controller said to God "Hey! You're in my seat! Move it."

[AirScrew]

<<<Hey folks.
A wife of a fellow controller is doing a stand up comedy gig soon.
She has lots of non ATC material but I suggested. " A pilot, an ATC and God walk into a bar."
Come on, give us your best responses please.
I'm still working on mine.
Cheers>>>

Whats the difference between an ATC and God.

God doesnt think he's an ATC...

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

The barman said to the ATCO: "what's yours". The ATCO replied "Orange juice" God said to the pilot: "I think we're in the wrong joke".

[Sky7]

Listening to the Indian ATC at times makes me giggle. Talk about Bombay HF

[plt radioman]

30.07.2016
OMDB
approach freq. 125.725 mhz
1925 utc

approaching BUBIN

------

Royal Brunei 97 - RB97, are we expecting to fly the whole star tonight?
Dubai Approach ATC - Emirates573 , well at this time of the night you might, lets see your touchdown is at 49.
RB97 - RB97 , sorry thats just us being naive!
ATC - *laughing* RB97, actually yours is 48.

3 second pause

EK573 - DUBAI EK573 , DID YOU REALLY THINK WED ASK YOU THAT QUESTION??
ATC - *laughing*

--------

THANKS GUYS , WE LAUGHED QUIT ALOT TILL LANDING. CHEERS TO ALL 3 OF YOU///

FDB50

I tryed finding the link from atclive.net in the archives but that frequency wasnt recorded.

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Long ago I was training on GMP (clearance delivery) by a true character (JK if any ex-EGLL people here). In those days BOAC often stated "instruments to (dest)" so...

"London Ground Speedbird 123 instruments to JFK"

Quick as a flash my training officer shouts in my ear: "He means he's got Ivy Benson's band on board"

[windowjob]

Some time ago Lufthansa calls to cancel his start up request due to the loadsheet not being correct.

To my horror as I was taking over, outgoing GMP replies in mock German accent
'So my friend you are going nowhere, it appears your papers are not in order"

Muchas chuckling on freq but DLH took it in good part.

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Hahahaha... nice one M. Glad you're still around..

[Le Chevalier Noir]

Heard on Arlanda ground:
"Ground, Thai 961...Lakki Takki"
"Thai 961, say again"
"Thai 961, LAKKI TAKKI"
"Thai 961, Please say again.
A minute pause, then a new Western European voice comes on the radio:
"Thai 961, we REQUEST TAXI"

[Jwscud]

Coming off the pond this morning

"Speedbird XX FL390, any news on the delays this morning?"

"One second"

"that's a good delay..."

Sadly 15 mins at OCK but whoever slipped that gem in made my morning...

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

I'm not too good at using the search facility so apologies if this is a repeat.

Heathrow Director to unknown aircraft which had called established: "You're four miles behind a palindrome, call the tower......"

The palindrome in question was, I believe, Shamrock 151. The ATCO was AC!

[magyarflyer]

real story my first cross country flight KADS to KABQ wife onboard old sundowner no idea how to land in crosswind, of course big crosswind lined up upwind to try to gain some ground ended up 200 feet to the left in the dirt, much dust finally got it stopped. ATC responded: now, what are your intentions buddy?

[kontrolor]

Air France to TWR: Sir, we it ze bird!
TWR: What did you eat?
AF: We it ze bird.
TWR: sorry, what did you eat?
AF, slowly: W.E. I.T. Z.E. B.I.R.D.
TWR: aaah, you hit the bird!
AF: Affirm, we it ze bird.

[kontrolor]

lonely night in the tower somewhere in Central Europe....inbound was Gulfstream with delegation of US Senate. The pilot was....judge for yourself.
Gulfstream: Howdy, N8XXXXX on the beam, boots down, all green!
Me: call the ball!

[BEL1000]

ATC: FLT123 minimum rate of descent -3000 FT/MIN, reduce speed 250 knots, descend FL70

FLT123: minimum rate of descent -3000 FT/MIN, reduce speed 250 knots, from FL140 Down to FL70, FLT123

[ex_matelot]

Seen on arrse website.
Skyvan is given clearance to land, aircraft behind informed number two after Skyvan.
"Roger visual the shed"

"Actually - we're a conservatory".

[Evey_Hammond]

ATC: FLT123 [garbled]
FLT123: Repeat please ATC, you were drowned out by our TCAS
ATC: FLT123 traffic passing X,XXX feet below you (etc)

[V2-OMG!]

Funny, because that wasn't the intent, way back when....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TgSNSTbzdA

[Crromwellman]

Heard years ago. A BA flight is departing Dusseldorf

ATC: Speedbrid XX change to XXX.XX and squak XXXX.

Speedbird: Sorry No can do, our transponder is U/S.

ATC (In very thick stage German accent): Don not vorry Speedbird, ve have vays of making you squak

[FoxChaRomeo]

Heard a couple of months ago, we’re talking to London, Speedbird inbound from the west checks in. Few moments later, controller comes on...

Controller: ‘Speedbird XX, we understand it’s your last flight after a long career with the Company, all the very best from us all at NATS.’

BA retiree: ‘London, thank you very much, yes 44 years. Appreciate all your service’

Third voice: ‘Paul, is that you? All the best. Company will be a worse place without you’

Controller: ‘Speedbird XX, that may as be, but the delay is still 15 minutes I’m afraid sir! Reduce to holding speed, direct Bovingdon to hold.’

Fourth voice: ‘Awesome, I’m one place higher on the seniority list!’

[axefurabz]

Gentle merged people, I entered this unknown area of PPRuNe for reasons which I seem to have forgotten, my attention having been caught by this thread which I have enjoyed hugely - my eyes have wept tears of mirth! I have treated it like a fine malt and restricted myself to four pages only so, as Arnie said, I'll be back.

My sincere thanks to all contributors. (It's better than JB!)

[visibility3miles]

A friend told me about a friend of his, many years ago...

Student pilot at Buchanan Field in Concord, California, practicing touch and goes:

Student: "Uh, tower, I just got hit in the head by a golf ball..."

Tower: "Are you declaring an emergency?"

Student: "Uh, no. I just want to land."

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Before the days of ATIS we had to read the weather to everyone. Around 7am my colleague read the weather to a Clipper who responded: " Sounds like a real nice day" My colleague: "Yes, but it was dark last night"!

[Departures south]

Pilot of cherokee vacates runway after no radio landing.
"Scratch, scratch,scratch..." heard on radio.
SMC to Cherokee: "ABC when did you first notice that your radio had failed?"
"Scratch, scratch,scratch..."
--------------------------------
Same SMC.
ABC doing engine run on non duty runway: "Tower, ABC, my propeller just came off."
SMC : "ABC, roger, hold position."
-------------------------------

[Adambrau]

Tower “Eastern 702 cleared for takeoff”

Eastern 702 “Switching to Departure. BTW after liftoff we saw some kind of dead animal at far end of runway.”

Tower “Continental 635 cleared for takeoff. Did you copy report from Eastern 702?”

Continental 635 “Roger and copied Eastern. We’ve already notified our caterers.”

[Back at NH]

Shamrock inbound to Heathrow. ATC issues an EAT best marked on a calendar and sticks him into the hold at Honiley. Then, broadast to the world, well sector, comes the PA.

EIN "Blah, blah, blah and we'll be landing in 20 minutes, thank you for flying Aer Lingus"

ATC " You just lied to your passengers"

EIN "Ah yes, we'll tell them a bit later!"

[Juggler25]

Heard the other day:

AirFrance: London I have a request
ATC: Pass your message
AirFrance: Is that Speedbird company still on strike?
ATC: Well there's three currently on frequency so I guess not!

Surely AirFrance know what airline Speedbird is?! :ugh:

[Ross182]

:))))))))))))))

[poldek77]

https://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1096/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_01_88145d7e6bcc2c46ba41c823d440f32e1793 ce62.jpeg
you have a cow at FL...

[mike current]

you have a cow at FL...

I thought she was on Scottish Control... ?

[poldek77]

I thought she was on Scottish Control... ?
to be continued...

[poldek77]

https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1085/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_02_7549ed5df814c9a5e0633012dffc13509b17 c6c2.jpeg

[poldek77]

https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1087/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_03_485d99476989a6cd60a66eb0a5b3d6d1933f e907.jpeg

[poldek77]

https://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1094/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_04_6caab91a59eb6ece45642118202c99318d60 9ab2.jpeg

[poldek77]

https://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1092/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_05_0a65421315816a6279354f59f71c280cee58 2481.jpeg

[poldek77]

https://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1103/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_06_74191ac956e5614c7f618f8873c52802daea 6bd4.jpeg

[Jim59]

poldek77 (https://www.pprune.org/members/192348-poldek77) give us a break. It might have been funny first timr...

[poldek77]

https://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1100/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_07_b50c474fed871327a36e76d09db6a84d83cb c5e1.jpeg

[poldek77]

poldek77 (https://www.pprune.org/members/192348-poldek77) give us a break. It might have been funny first timr...

be strong, only a few left...

[FlightDetent]

It's getting better with every piece, fond memories...

[captplaystation]

Don't know how many have seen, certainly made me laugh https://ops.group/blog/france-switches-to-atc-by-notam-only/?fbclid=IwAR0kHpT4gczswmJBrKdKrFOWleJY1rV9Au6IdGPN2UB278LwfI 2gSI4WwiQ

[poldek77]

https://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1093/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_09_f7e753c84736dafd5c464883c730a1801504 83f4.jpeg

[poldek77]

https://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1093/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_10_4fe483bf69874755eb988c89a9dccc029cf5 4cd7.jpeg

[poldek77]

https://cimg8.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/750x1109/you_have_a_cow_at_fl_11_fc2f42e89a9d8cd5f73873548c5e994c8e95 8050.jpeg

so ... that's all, Folks!!!

[Runway26]

Thank F*** for that

[visibility3miles]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwrgImucNsQ&t=302s

[visibility3miles]

I have been warned about deer on the runway, but not cows.

Not sure what I was supposed to do about the deer, other than hope I didn’t hit one.

The ATC didn’t give me permission to go around, but perhaps that was implicit.

[Crromwellman]

Heard many years ago in Germany.

German Controller: ABC123, after take off change to zone and squak 1234

ABC123: Regret that transponder is U/S

German controller in stage German accent straight out of a B movie: Remember, ve haf vays of making you squak