ATC Humour (Merged)

[Glamdring]

Probably better asking those questions on the NATS recruitment thread and not the ATC humour thread :}

[LEGAL TENDER]

NATS recruitment and ATC humour

Sometimes it's hard to tell which one's which ;)

[Lon More]

but he gives his location as Heathrow, the biggest aviation joke of them all.

Seriously, if you can't differentiate betwen the two sections I suggest looking for another career

[Navigator33]

Tree munts agoo ai coen't evan spel air travvic contruller now I are van! :O

Ps: Maastricht guys why don't you ever react when I call you Mestreech?

[35hPA28]

Don´t recall seeing this on the thread, I think it went more or less like this:

A/C: ZZZ APP, Good mornig, AirXXX B737 at....
ATC: AirXXX, Good morning, confirm you have info Mike
A/C: Affirmative, AirXXX
ATC: LIAR! Current ATIS msg is Lima!
A/C (without hesitation): I thought you weren´t supposed to pull that one more than once a day...

[Diaz]

YouTube - Controller Tricks A Pilot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9h3FYqEhkM)
:E

[jtor]

Wide or Right

A/C: "XXX on wide base 18."
TWR: "XXX, confirm left base."
A/C: "Affirm, wi... long left base."

[Lon More]

Ps: Maastricht guys why don't you ever react when I call you Mestreech

Limburgs. Zijn wij gewent.

[MartinBaker]

1998 Taxiing out to RWY 23 in GVA behind a Speedbird who was already late for his slot and traffic at 5-6NM out.

GVA TWR employed (maybe still do-not there so often now) a a very suave-voiced lady ATC who was trying to be helpful to get Speedbird off with out more delay to make the slot and in front of arriving traffic;

GVA: Speedbird 7xx are you ready for a quickie?
SPD: ahh.. I'd love to m'am, but I have to go to London first!

That made my day and ATC story for some time. Poor old Swiss German co-pilot 'Aye deedunt geht it!??

[35hPA28]

Tks Diaz :ok:. Way funnier heard than read!

[EGBKFLYER]

I don't know who the gentleman working London 128.815 last night was but as well as having one of the most pleasant RT manners I've heard in a long time, gave us 40min of entertainment. Won't write it all here (you kinda had to be there at the time) but brightened up a long day no end. Thanks :ok:

[smith]

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------
ATC: ' Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
Al Italia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
-----------------------
Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself.'
-----------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
---------------------------
Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rog', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
--------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: Oh, Oh, ****! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '
--------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
(short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean .. Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately .'
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
-----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
-----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
-----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
---------------------------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
---------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
-----------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
----------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

[frostbite]

Thanks for those !

[ArthurBorges]

I have to echo Frostbite: your posting is a real hoot. Thanx!

[smith]

When doing my IR in an FNTP II simulator the instructors acted as ATC and a favourite of their's was blah de blahddy blah squwak 2628.

I backseated with a lot of other students and we all fell victim to the scam at some point.

When we looked back at the instuctors, they were pissing themselves watching the poor student twisting and twisting the knob on the transponder looking for the number 8. :D

[bigjames]

Heard today in Hong Kong during busy afternoon:

xx123 contacting departures just after take off:

"xx123 out of one thousand for fife thousand, requesting flight level 410"

"xx123, you are identified, um say again please???"

"xx123 out of one thousand for fife thousand, requesting flight level 410"

mystified controller:

"um xx123 climb niner thousand feet"

[Lon More]

mystified controller:

"um xx123 climb niner thousand feet"

Umm, maybe he had traffic? I thought this was a joke thread:confused:

[FougaMagister]

In the summer of 1985, a French Air Charter International 727-200 made a visual approach into Eilat airport, Israel.

ATC exchanges (published in Time Magazine) went like this:

Eilat TWR: "Air Charter xxx, where are you?"
Air Charter xxx: "We're on the apron already!"
Eilat TWR: "Not on mine!"

Before the crew could figure out the problem, armed men surrounded the aircraft. They had actually landed in Aqaba, Jordan, 4nm North-East of Eilat. Time reported that the captain was taken away to answer a few questions, but returned a short while later, accompanied by a friendly airport director, who invited him to come back for tea or coffee sometime!

The 727 then made the short hop to nearby Eilat (which incidentally has the same QFU). Red faces all round methinks...

[Quintilian]

Quote:
mystified controller:

"um xx123 climb niner thousand feet"
Umm, maybe he had traffic? I thought this was a joke thread

I guess the joke was on the pilot requesting either a) immediate climb to filed level, or b) another level as final.

FL410 is like 4 sectors (coordinations) away, and even w/o other traffic that coordination is completely unnecessary/too bothersome to effect.

:)

[Cloudrunner1]

Whilst getting a pre-note transit from a neighboring unit.

Me: 'Confirm it's a PA28?'
Other unit: 'Eeerr, standby.'
(Pause)
Other unit: 'Erm, negative. It's a Piper Cherokee.'
Me: 'Oook, roger!'

Made me chuckle!

[supraspinatus]

Heard this one today, think somebody read it from "the controller", but anyway.

Heard in Italy:
A/C: I see there's a lot of birds nearby the runway. Has there been a birdstrike?
ATC: Negative, the birds are not striking today.

[Surferboy]

Don't know if anyone posted it already, but here goes:

People often wonder about our job, well here are some facts to make it easier to understand:

1. The controller is never wrong. Even if he is, he is not.
2. When working in ATC long enough, you become a master at covering up your mistakes.
3. Pilots often act like little children who can't have their favorite toy.
4. A pilot who thinks decreases the flow of traffic.
5. Your neighbors usually think you are unemployed.
6. Sexy voices don't necessarily account for sexy pilots.
7. A good controller feels like he's getting paid a lotta money for nothing--a bad controller feels like he's totally underpaid for saving lives everyday.
8. A cockpit window offers a better overview of all airport traffic than your control tower.
9. The toughest working position in a tower is start up/clearance delivery--during runway closures! It feels like a daycare job. (See Nr. 3)
10. It never stops to amaze you what can go wrong.
11. If you go out of your way to make a flight meet his slot, the pilots usually thank each other for waiting.
12. The hardest part about your job is the drive home with so many idiots on the road who just don't see the picture.
13. Your favorite question becomes "Any reason for the delay?" The best response is "Controllers amusement" (Thanks for that one, Scott!)
14. Controllers are very responsible people-but only at work!
15. You're always the best controller working at the busiest airport.
16. The radar guys think airplanes disappear after handover.
17. Female controllers must be tough to survive in our world - or pretty.
18. Your colleagues always tease you. When they stop, something is seriously wrong with you.
19. Most controllers hate offices and paperwork--some controllers see them as a way out.
20. The last thing you can handle after a busy day is your wife talking back to you and there's no recording of who said what.
21. Sometimes you wonder where the pilots hide their "immediate take-off checklist".
22. When you're home, you don't think about work. When you do, start worrying!
23. "Runway vacated" is a very flexible term, depending on the airline.
24. The best part about nightshift is driving home when everybody is driving to work.
25. When you think you're the best--that's the time to start being careful!

5, 7, 12, 14, 15 and 18 are so correct!:}

[TwoFiftyBelowTen]

QF north-west bound from the east coast:
"Centre, are you aware that there's a constant clicking sound on this frequency?"

ATC "That was a known problem, but we thought it had been fixed, haven't had any further reports for maybe a month."

QF "Maybe it happens every month"

ATC "She's a temperamental frequency, that one!"

[Lon More]

Similarly a Belgian colleague had the habit of ticking with his pen against the mike whilst transmitting. Eventually somebody complained and he realised what he was doing. "How's that?" he asked, laying his pen down. "Much better", came the answer. "Oh good," he said as he resumed ticking.

[Photon85]

Ormond tower: abcde be aware that there is a coyote on the departure end of the runway.
(my student thinking he was talking about this airplane waiting for take-off reported back
abcde: traffic in sight!

at least it was funny then and there :p

[supraspinatus]

There were 2 A/C. Number 1, a mediterranean operator, let's call him "charter123", is on downwind just about to be turned to base.
Number 2, a local operator, about 6nm behind on downwind, abeam the runway.


Local123: Radar?
Approach: Local123?
Local123: We have the field in sight for a visual, wondering if we still are no.2?
Charter123: (quickly): Yes!

[BarbiesBoyfriend]

Over France:

(I'll spare you the accent.)

ATC: 'British, call Reims 128.055'

Us:a short time later 'No joy on 128.055'

ATC: (plainly outraged) 'I told you! Reims on 132.9!'

Us: Suffering from an awful case of the giggles..... nothing.:D

[mrwebs]

was privy to this gem couple of months ago.

wx had closed in minutes and was down to minimas on the ils (typical tropical wx) when one of the local day-vfr chopper boys pips in..

HGN: Approach, heli GN, position MAMEL 1000', request routing to the hanger.

App: Confirm you are v-m-c sir?
HGN: ..... err.. ...... say again for GN
App: Confirm you are v-m-c?
HGN: not catching that, please say again?
App(irritated now, speaks slowly and ups the volume): Confirm you are VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE?
HGN: Negative sir, callsign HOTEL GOLF NOVEMBER
App: HGN, are you VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE, i say again, are you VICTOR MIKE CHARLIE.
HGN:......(wait for it..).... err i dont know what that is sir
....
...
...
...
App(in apparent resignation and disbeleif):are you vfr?
HGN: AFFIRM! SORRY! ****!


:yuk:

[Cpt_Pugwash]

Overheard yesterday, whilst passing south of Filton


Filton Radar: "v*****s 02, Descend to 3000. 10 miles to run. Is that enough to lose the height?"

V*****s 02 " Affirm"

Filton : "V*****s 02, Can you reduce speed due to slower traffic ahead of you?"

V*****s 02 (chuckling) " Wilco "

Filton: " Yeah, I know it's difficult when you're going down as well ....."

V*****s 02 9 (more mirth) " . ..... Roger"

Well, it made oi larf.

[Navigator33]

ATC: "OO-XXX fly direct to Akito and say mach number"
OO-XXX: "Roger direct to Akito and say mach number"

Never thought I would hear that one in my life. :ok:

[757hopeful]

4 days but I finally read every page and now the mrs thinks I'm a real nerd for cracking up every few mins or so. And each time she asks what was so funny, I explain but she doesn't always understand the terminology. So I have to continue chuckling to myself!!! Am fairly new but this has entertained me so much that I couldn't stop Reading. I only hope things are still this good when I'm up in the air. Thanks for the many hours of laughter


:D

[swaziboy]

My only new addition that springs to mind…

Heard not so recently while #2 for landing at a field in Africa behind a C182….

TWR: “ABC123 Clehared to lend 07, wind ???, 10Kts”
ABC123: “Cleared to land 07, copy the wind”.

A shortish while later…

TWR: “ABC123 lending time 45, 46 & 47. Vacate echo to the hold.”

(Said in but the thickest and driest of African accents… and … shame… it was a lot more than 10Kts)
:D:D

[chiglet]

Last night, I was the "East ATSA" at MACC. My Planner asked where TBPB was, as we had a G5 inbound from there to Humberside.....when I replied "Barbados" the Tac said "Fancy coming to Humberside for your Christmas Holls"....which cracked us up.
Humberside then told us they were snow clearing....quick as a flash the Tac said "Ooh yes, he's come for a skiing holiday"
Priceless

[FLCH]

My girlfriend is the F/O flying out of EGCC bound for the States, the captain is running the radios, they get cleared to PENIL, the captain isn't clear about the intersection, he asks my girlfriend where the controller cleared them to, she replies "Direct Penile" (just as a joke).

The captain parroted the same verbage over the radio, it took a second for him to realize just what he had done......

[smith]

STL approach: "United 143 best forward speed to the marker, you're number one."

United 143 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."

STL approach: "American 2451,you're number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

American 2451 (female): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."

-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

[Bankstown Boy]

Don't have the original to hand, so I'll have to paraphrase it.

This was out of an Aussie magazine section titled "on the airbands" and relates to a story from many years ago when, if memory serves me right, Qantas were still flying 707's

QF123 makes inbound call to Bombay approach and requests weather update (during the monsoon period)

Bombay ATC (think Peter Sellers accent): Qantas123 Bombay weather is ...blah blah blah ... with 10 Octas of cloud at 1,000'

QF123: Ahhhh... sir? surely that is 8 octa's?

ATC: Negative Qantas123, I have seen 8 octa's and this is much much worse!

[snchater]

A few years ago I telephoned ATC at Cork to ask for their weather.

'Be Jesus, its raining cats and dogs' was the answer!

I asked for a slightly more detailed report - ' 8 octas, 1000ft, 2000m' was the reply.

'So its below VFR minima and you don't recognise my UK IMC rating' I said.

'No we don't recognise the IMC rating/ but you sound like a nice boy so come anyway - I'll turn the lighting up for you'!!!

[chiglet]

1700, Christmas Eve at MACC and the 'phone rings
"Hello, it's Dublin here, we're closed until 10 o'clock"
Me.."Is that 10 am or 10 pm"?
Garble,garble...."Yes its 10 o'clock tomorrow night, whenever that is....Good Night"

[Nubboy]

Quite a few years ago now, our gliding club had a mass fly out (in little aeroplanes) to Ireland with the intention of getting to Galway. Due to the weather we only got as far as ??? (name withheld to protect the guilty) and knew we'd be stuck there for the weekend. Horrified at the big airfield parking and landing fees, some enterprising soul (read skint!) asked if there was a discount for training flights. Great success with this and each crew instantly became student and trainer (nearly true as we had a load of people working through their cpls at the time and most held an AFI rating, whilst the other half were glider pilots converting to power.) The next day a few crews asked for rates for a bit of beacon bashing and a few ILSs. When asked how far we wanted to go, we were told it was much cheaper to stay in the local area, ie not change frequency, as the area controllers couldn't charge for what they didn't know about. Having duly booked our slots, as we took off into the gloom and rain, and the world disappeared at 400 feet agl, the gentle question of would it be vfr or ifr that we wanted was much appreciated. :ok: Lovely place with lovely people.

[frostbite]

French pilot, "Reporting west of island of Sheepy" (Sheppy).

[Gulfstreamaviator]

Many years ago, with my fres PPL IR went to Cork on business, and very IFR (ish).

Cork Radar, very kindly pointed me to the long narrow thing and we landed safely.

After landing went to say hi, as a few hours to kill before going wack to London.

Found the Radar Room......well actiually the cupboard under the stairs. I later learned that many small airports had radar cupboards, rather than rooms.

Chatted for a while, and the man asked " have you ver been to Cork before"......no never was the reply...Well he said.... "Ignore the new fangled SID I will point you at the cathedral...watch out its rather tall"

Many years later I was back in Cork, for the Air India Incident, and thanked the radar man for the sight seeing trip.....he winked at me and said, shame the weather was so bad...the Blarney Stone is rather grand too.

I think we must have met the same team.

Glf

[EltorroLoco]

SAA A340 flies in to FAJS the other day and asks one of the most irritating questions there are:

"What are the chances of landing on 03L today?"

I say, "About the same chance as me getting a cheap flight from your airline"

He says, "I'll expect 03R then"

Quite correct, welcome to KFC - The Kempton Flying Club

Have heard a rumour that NATS ATC get ID90 from SAA. Say it ain't so :(

[Malaysian28]

If Mentioned Before I Apologize.

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"


Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"


Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"

[iranair777]

If Mentioned Before I Apologize.

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"


Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"


Tower Controller: "BA356, proceed to stand 69"
BA: "Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?"

:D:D:D Brilliant!

[Grendel]

Long ago story from the days when women were just starting out in ATC.

Busy day at O'hare, the 5:00 push.

United: "United 320 heavy, push D-16 with Delta"
Ground: "United 32O hold the push I have two in the alley"
United: "Ground please repeat, your transmission is fuzzy"
Ground: "United 320 heavy, hold the push for traffic in the alley."
United: "Ahh gound your transmission is very fuzzy."
Ground "American 190, is my transmission fuzzy?"
American: "I don't know honey, how old are ya?"

[Wranga]

Won't give away too much details except it was a student doing an Instrument Test

Student: "XXX Twr, XYZ 8 miles ILS final, 3 Greens, full stop"
Tower: "XYZ Continue approach report 3 miles"
Student: "Wilco XYZ..... And attitude attitude, trim, powers good, flaps good, all on the rails..... OH ****" end transmission

Another one just doing some GF before an all important test

Student: "XYZ Base 3 greens....... ahhhhhhhhhhh.... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk, going around" end transmission. Realised he didn't put the gear down.

[p_perez]

Hello!

Spanish goverment is planning to introduce AFIS service at some airports, in place of actual ATCO´s. Here is an example:


http://img514.imageshack.us/img514/1568/afisd.jpg



You can read more at http://www.pprune.org/atc-issues/404624-end-panish-dream.html

[Quintilian]

WIF-xxx: "Request clerance to CPH"

ME: "Eeeh. I have been trying to call you for the last hour. Your slot expired 15 minutes ago!"

WIF-xxx: "Eeeh. OK. In that case we consider the slot cancelled. Request start-up!"

WTF?

[gumpfgrumpfl]

Happens again and again... and still funny, for whatever reason:

someone adding a 'goodbye' to something other than a freq change.

ATC: ABC234 descend FL100, turn right heading 180
A/C: ABC234 descending FL100, right heading 180, goodbye...

huh? oh yah, goodbye. please report back

[carlosii]

Almost the same situation as in the previous post :

TWR/APP : "AIRLINE001, cleared for takeoff, and when airbourne remain on this frequency"

AIRLINE001: "Roger, cleared for takeoff, and remaining with you, good night"

A bit too early ;)

And one more -
Overheard last night from 121.5 :

AIRLINE001: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking and i'd like to give you some information about our flight. At the moment we are flying at 9600 meters over XXXXX, outside temperature is (looooong pause)........" (out)

couple of seconds later from another a/c

"Hmm, we didn't copy the air temperature, sir"

Made me laugh ;)

[flywonderjet]

Some from my first three years as an F/O so far:

First one happened to me couple of weeks ago in Brussels. Cleared for an immediate take-off when still on the TWY, we did a rolling take-off. At around 1000 feet I hear another Beeline ask for runway braking action to the tower. Tower asks us:

ATC: "Beeline xxx, can you confirm braking action 25R is good?"
I replied: "Well we didn't brake, but I can guess if you want."

Never thought about that answer, it just came out so quickly. :) Just thought it was a stupid question.



Another good one I heard last week. We fly Avro Jets at Brussels Airlines. They may not climb that well, or do anything well for that manner, but they sure can descend! Pulling full airbrake almost makes you fall from the sky... Apparently some controllers can't seem to remember this...

French ATC: "Beeline xxx, descend FL100, give me your best rate of descent."
Beeline xxx "Descend FL100, best rate, Beeline xxx."

About one minute later:

French ATC: "Beeline xxx, what is your rate of descent???"
Beeline xxx: "Around 7000ft/minute"
French ATC: "... Roger... Euhhh... Rate of descent now 2000 ft/minute."


Last one was from november I think. Just start of the winter season. As soon as we put on airframe anti-ice, the Avro refuses to climb anymore. Company wants us as high as possible so we request high levels anyway, though it sometimes takes ages to get up there... German ATC woman cracked me up early in the morning out of Munich.

German ATC: "Beeline xxx, what's your requested level?"
I replied: "Flight level 320, Beeline xxx".
German ATC: "I don't think so Beeline xxx, not with your type of aircraft. Maybe you should ask your company for a better aircraft for the winter season?"

[poldek77]

One day on CDG Ground frequency a pilot of A380 calling:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333 Super, request push and start.
atc: ZZZZ 333, push and start approved.
A few minutes later:
a/c: ZZZZ 333 Super, ready for taxi.
So atc passed taxi clearance.
After two or three minutes:
a/c: Ground, ZZZZ 333, due to technical problem we need to return to the gate...

It took them about ten minutes to declare "ready for push" again, but anyway as long as I was on the frequency they didn't use "Super" in the callsign...

[Two-Tone-Blue]

Late 60's on 243.0 ...

"Kuala Lumpur Tower testing, One Two Three Four Five, Five, Four, ... Three ... Kuala Lumpur Tower test, out.

Some wobbling Hunter wingtips reported that one. ;)

[lizplt]

This is a rather embarassing Radiotelephony conversation I had at a small UK based Airfield. I've just landed.
Tower - "G-XT Taxi to Bravo between the blue markers"
Me - "Taxiing to Bravo between blue markers G-XT"
Tower - "G-XT give way to the Gazelle"
Me - "What?! a real one!?"
My Dad sitting next to me - "A Gazelles a Helicopter"
Me - "OH!...G-XT giving way to the Gazelle"

[Flying Wild]

Heard yesterday while approaching Lyneham.
A contracted freighter (lets call it XYZ) was inbound to land. American sounding pilot on the radio.
Note: The ATIS is on UHF at Lyneham. My recall of the exact phrasing may leave something to be desired...

ATC: XYZ, descend FL70, cleared for a straight in approach to R06.
XYZ: Descend FL70, cleared straight in R06

ATC: XYZ, do you require the weather?
XYZ: Negative.

ATC: (sounding puzzled) Confirm you already have the weather?
XYZ: Affirm, It's gorgeous out there!

[MPN11]

A KC-135 out of Mildenhall, 1970's, with East Anglia solid with radar returns ...

"callsign" you have traffic right 3 o'clock 8 miles similar heading at FL60, further traffic left 10 o'clock FL70 appears to be manouvering, further traffic 12 o'clock FL100 under this Unit's control .... etc etc

Roger, Sir, this aircraft's like a tree full of owls.

[prascho]

ATC: RWZ1234 report heading
RWZ: Control RWZ 1234 the heading is 36.....2
ATC : RWZ1234 turn right heading 372
RWZ : Roger, turning right heading 372.....control repeat again

[NaFenn]

Aircraft makes an inbound call to Jandakot after a Chinese Student with giggling in the background

ATC: XYZ copy, whats so funny
Pilot: I cant tell you... its racist (Laughter in background)

[boelebroer]

Airport Authorities stagiaire: Tower, we are ready to mown the Glidepath.

Tower: ohh, and to what altitude will that be.

Silence on one and tears on ours side...

[24seven]

Heard at an airfield very close to the Lambourne Hold

A/G - Can everybody please insure that you keep your circuits tight into the airfield as there have been noise complaints
Aircraft in the overhead - Where have the noise complaints been coming from?
A/G - The telephone!!

[AEST]

Arriving at SBBR in an Aerostar

Controller: NXXX, Can you keep the speed up to accommodate other traffic
Me: Yes
Controller: Can you do 200 groundspeed all the way?
Me: Yes, but I might need to slow down on short final

[AEST]

In an Aerostar flying from Venezuela to Brasil (SBBV) FL210. Just handed over to Brasil (100nm to go):

Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx FL210 checking in
BV: Radar contact
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx ready to start decent
BV: (No response)
Nxxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxx REQUEST lower for landing!

Repeated request gets no answer,

About 10nm to go

Nxxx: Boa Vista, Nxxxx, I can't seem to find any airport up here at FL210.
BV: Nxxxx, Cleared to land. Confirm gear down and locked?

Nxxx (@FL210): Cleared to land, gear down and locked (Coincidentally, the only way to get down anywhere near the Airport was idling engines and dropping the gear)

[AEST]

Me: Request direct destination
ATC: Negative due to Military activity, cleared direct XXX
....
Me: eh, XXX is 200nm PAST my destination
ATC: Well, where did you want to go anyway?

[Betablockeruk]

RAF VC10 just departed.

ATC to next D8 in line: xxxxx if your can hear me, line up and wait!
xxxxx: Just about!

[Easytime]

If you have facebook try this. Air Traffic Control. The Funny Side

Made me laugh

[R2112]

At EGBJ whilst taxiing for a 09 departure...
(can't account for the actual transcript but it went something like this)

A/C on flinals: G-xx just had a bird strike, continuing approach
TWR: roger, it appears to be a seagul, still hanging off your right main
A/C: Affirm, we'll vacate at the end and inspect damage on the taxiway if possibe
TWR: affirm
some time later
A/C: Gloster TWR G-xx, no apparent damage so we'll taxi to hanger, however this seagul has no legs to stand on
TWR: Roger, thats figures, the apron vehicle just found them on the runway, clear taxi.

made me chuckle!

[wazzer1976]

Can't remember the exact transmission, heard this on Tuesday morning.

London: ABC123 cleared direct xxxx
ABC123: Roger, cleared direct xxxx, eerrrrmmm whatever my call sign is
London: ABC123!
ABC123: Yeah that's it!

Made me smile early in the morning.

[Matichk]

little something that happened to my classmate on his first flight after he got PPL

a/c: i'm loooooooooooooooooost
ATC: ok, where are you?
a/c: ummmmmmm, circling over a city
ATC: good for you, what do you see
a/c: forest
ATC: great, what else
a/c: dunno


not really and actual conversation, but something similar
also this was in slovenian language on FIS, we had a lot of laughs on this one since than

[bradt]

Happened in here a couple of days ago. USAF C-130 with callsign SixPackXX

Control: SixPackXX, XXXXX, established FL210 enroute XXXX. Be advised, ROZ XXXXX guns hot to 200, maintain heading.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, Sixpack XX, Copy.

A minute later the 130 starts dropping altitude getting close to the ROZ where fighters are operating. The controller starts to get angry and gets on the radio.

Control: SH*TBAGXX, ELEVATE FL210.
SixPackXX: XXXXX, SixPackXX, was that for us?
Control: YES, unless you want a new F-15 hood ornament.
SixPackXX: That would make us a little too nose-heavy. Elevating to FL210.

____________________________________________________________ __

ABCD12 is a UAV and the link between the ground station and aircraft went down.

Control: ABCD12, XXXXX, You are leaving your assigned airspace. Having problems?
ABCD12: We have lost the link, the a/c will maintain speed and heading until it is re-established.
Control: Well get new batteries in that remote and get it back in your airspace before it hits a real airplane.

____________________________________________________________ __

More shenanigans over Afghanistan

Control: DUDEXX, XXXXX, what airspace would you like today?
DUDEXX: All of it.
Control: DUDEXX, say again?
DUDEXX: I want all airspace.
Control: DUDEXX Affirm. Elevate to FL800 call when established.
DUDEXX: Ummm...... I don't think that's going to work......
Control: Then you better figure out which airspace you need or I am putting you in the corner....

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Thinks.... why "elevate" instead of "climb"? What do they say for "descend"?

[bradt]

Don't ask me. Thats how the USAF controllers call it out. I have heard "elevate" "elevator" idk. Climb and descend seem easier to me

[R2112]

another from EGBJ back when I was circuit bashing in an R200, it's towards the end of a long summer weekend and we were landing after a Seneca who had rolled to the end of 27 and was taxiing back in. being slower we vacated at the 18 intersection which brought us in to conflict with the Seneca, following occurred:
Us: G-BA rwy vacated
TWR: Roger, err, G-BA give way to the opposite direction Robin then taxi SE2
quick as a flash my FI: We can't give way to ourselves you know!
TWR: Ok well give way to the white one with two engines then!

[hawitti]

Hi all!
This is my first post. Beforehand I have to excuse myself but I had my last English lesson in 1967.

(Scenario from a German source)

A German Eurofighter has penetrated incorrectly the Swiss airspace.

ATC: " Hello unknown aircraft, you are over Swiss territory. Record your identity otherwise I have to send the Swiss Air Force!"

German Eurofighter: "One or both?"

[Jwscud]

Heard at a London Airfield last week:

G-ABCD: Vacating and thanks for your help - talk to you tomorrow

Tower: No you won't - I'm off to a BBQ

G-WXYZ: Information S calling for taxi and a Burger

Unknown voice: Can I have one too?

Laughter on all following calls on frequency...

[Romeo Tango]

GXXXX: Request status of danger areas X1, 2 and 4
<Pause>
London info: I don't recognise area number x124
GXXXX: My mistake I meant areas x1, x2 and X4
London info (female): Sorry, just had a blonde moment here

(assume she was new and didn't know the non appologising rule)

[Flap Track 6]

I was on a United flight between SAN & ORD a couple of years ago, listening in on Channel 9. Conversation went like this:

En Route Control: United123 cleared direct Gotham City

United123 (a young lady with a soft voice): Errrr - cleared direct to where?

Control: United123 cleared direct Garden City

United123: Ohhh - GARDEN City - Right!

I'm sure he said Gotham City and Ms Pilot did as well. Perhaps it was the Kansas drawl?

[CKnopfell]

What does SEP stand for?

.
.
.
.
.
.

Somebody Else's Problem

Carl

[oldflybooi]

9 years or so later, you had me in tears with those 2001 stories!
:D:D:D

[ANO-ther]

G-XX: Guernsey approach good afternoon, G-XXXX, passing FL80 cleared level 60.

Guernsey Approach: G-XX fly heading 190 deg, vectors for an ILS or Visual approach runway 27 at Guernsey, information Golf is current.

G-XX: Heading 190 deg, we'd really like to go to Alderney though if that's ok with you, that's where we booked the hotel!

Guernsey approach: Well you can go there if you really want to but we've heard rumours.... turn left then heading 170 degrees.

G-XX: Left heading 170. Roger the rumours - that's why we're going. G-XX!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

G-XX (flexwing microlight): XXX Radio, er... I think I may be lost!

XXX Radio: Station calling say your callsign.

G-XX: Er.... i'm in G-XXXX

XXX Radio: G-XXXX roger, What was your last known location?

G-XX: erm.... I was near salisbury about half an hour ago, I'm circling over a city now, there's a big cathedral but it's not Salisbury cos there's no spire. I'm at 2000 feet.

XXX Radio: G-XX, suggest you call D&D on freq 121.5 immediately, they will be able to help you.

G-XX: How do i do that?

XXX Radio: What radio do you have?

G-XX: It says Icom on it.... it's got buttons and a screen.

XXX Radio: G-XX roger, just press the numbers 1, 2, 1, 5, 0, 0.

G-XX: That's not doing anything.

XXX Radio: Roger, I have D&D on the phone now. Say your current heading.

G-XX: What's that?

XXX Radio: What direction are you pointing in - read your compass heading to me.

G-XX: I'm circling round so it keeps changing.

XXX Radio: G-XX London Centre instructs you to fly heading 270 degrees - can you fly west for me, tell me when you've done that.

G-XX: Ok, I think I'm heading round about west now, the sun is in my face, that's right isn't it?

XXX Radio: Yes that will do, continue on that heading for the moment.

(Microlight was centered squarely on the final approach track for EGHI over Winchester, eventually he was guided on how to unlock his radio and handed over to D&D who got him home where I believe he spent a little longer in training before going solo again)!

[thetimesreader84]

Was anyone here party to the Great Manx Fast Show on the RT last week?

Made I Larf...:}

[Somewhere In Time]

Had this one in the middle-east

me: "xxxxx report ground speed"
xxxxx: " but sir we are over water!"

classic!

[170to5]

A Malaga special:

'XX123 high speed in descent please due following traffic, 300kt or more'

'Roger, 300kt or more XX123 we can give you 320kt'

'Thank you maintain high speed, no speed control XX123'

10 or so seconds later, passing through FL120

'XX123 now speed 200 knots'

Brilliant! They get us all down though!

[asyncio]

(assume she was new and didn't know the non appologising rule) Reminds me of another London Info one a few months ago.

American Pilot and London Info having an extended conversation about a missing/incorrect flightplan, which finally ends with....

London Info: NXXX, If you just do what I tell you then I'll sort it out for you.

a few seconds later

London Info: NXXX, Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound rude.
NXXX: It's OK, I'm American, we don't understand the meaning of the word rude.

[EltorroLoco]

Alphabet confusion always gets a laugh, instead of FPK he said "Foxtrot Kaka Pilo", or a lady once said "Oscar Wanky Yankee".

[Tower Ranger]

Last week me versus China Hainan.

CHHxxxx taxi via Kilo park stand Foxtrot 2

Roger Kilo F3

Negative F2

Roger F3

Chhxxxx Negative Foxtrot 2, one plus one!

Ah Roger Foxtrot eleven!

I didn`t see that coming!!

[Carbide Finger]

COA111 called himself COA3. Thinking the pilot had a sense of humour, I replied to the same callsign. Wrong.

Was tempted to say contact London on CXXXV decimal CCCLV but thought it would have fallen on deaf ears.

[supraspinatus]

Heard this conversation a couple of days ago:

DLH123: GND, RWY vacated. ehh I think we hit a seagull about 100m south of A1. It's wounded. DLH 123.

GND: DLH123, Roger. We'll send an ambulance, in the mean time taxi to stand 34.

[G SXTY]

Sleepy Gatwick Airport; a Flybe Dash 8 has just vacated the runway and trundles towards its stand.

[Flybe operates two aircraft types; the Embraer 195, which is shiny, swift, sleek, and loved by pilots and passengers alike, and the Dash 8 Q400, which is - erm -functional. Generally.]

Sweet sounding female ATCO on ground: "EZ123, after the Flybe Embraer parks on 8, you're push start approved stand 14."

(EZ reads back clearance).

Flybe: "Jersey 123, I wish it was an Embraer but unfortunately this one's a Dash."

Ground (dissolving into giggles): "I'm so sorry!"

Flybe: "So are we." :ok:

[reklam11]

Happened to me as a Planning Controller in Budapest (Hungary).

L'viv calling on the phone:

L'viv: Hello sir, can you tell me?
Me: Tell you what?
L'viv: Just can you tell me, for line check?
Me: I read you five.
L'viv: No no, can you...
(L'viv from background: NO! CALL! CALL ME!)
L'viv: Ah sorry. Can you call me, for line check?

[kathleen.legge]

YQM Twr: "and XXX, explain to me why you completed an unauthorized righthand turnout?"
Diamond DA-20 C-GXXX: "uh.. I'm sorry sir, where would you like me to go?"
YQM Twr: "if this wasn't a recorded frequency, I'd tell you where I want you to go."

[BrATCO]

Happened to me 2 days ago.

Me :" ACFT, Say your heading"
Acft : " 075"
Me : "Turn right heading 100"
Acft : "Thank you, that's almost a direct XXXXX"

One minute later:
Me : "ACFT, turn right heading 105, to avoid military activity"
ACFT : " No, I don't agree, the ZZZ zone is not active on Sundays"

Me and my colleague both look at our wrist-watch.
Me : "ACFT, today's Sunday, direct XXXXX"

Two minutes later :
Me to my colleague : "Do I tell him he should turn right 5 degrees to fly direct XXXXX ?"

[rogerk]

During the bush war in Rhodesia in the 70's the Rhodesian Airforce mounted a raid on a terrorist camp over the border in Zambia.
The is the ATC transmission :D:D
“Lusaka Tower, this is Green Leader. This is a message for the station commander at Mumba from the Rhodesian Air Force. We are attacking the terrorist base at Westlands farm at this time. This attack is against Rhodesian dissidents and not against Zambia. Rhodesia has no quarrel, repeat, no quarrel, with Zambia or her security forces. We therefore ask you not to intervene or oppose our attack. However, we are orbiting your airfield at this time and are under orders to shoot down any Zambian Air Force aircraft which does not comply with this request and attempts to take off. Did you copy all that?”

Lusaka tower replies that they have understood, and ask whether civil aircraft are still cleared to land. Green Leader asks them to wait half an hour or so. The impression given is very much that the Rhodesians are totally in control of the situation. And when Lusaka tower was asked by the incoming Kenya airways jet who had priority, Lusaka tower simply replied "I think the Rhodesians do".

[alwaysmovin]

YouTube - FASCINATING AIDA - Cheap Flights (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc):D

Though this might make a few of you laugh !

[swopiv]

I fly a flexwing microlight, and back in February I flew into Dundee. Its fair to say that after over an hour and a half exposed to the airflow at -10C I was chilled to the bone! Perhaps the cold had spread to my brain and ears, as after I had landed the conversation with ATC went like this:

Me: G-KX cleared active, request taxi to parking
ATC: I think we can fit you in, how long is your span?
(I thought this was a strange thing to ask, but perhaps he literally meant 'fit me in' a parking slot somewhere), so I replied:
Me: Err, about 34 feet?
ATC (slowly and clearly): How long are you STAYING? (followed by muffled laughter on calls from other aircraft).

:rolleyes:

[_Obiwan]

LOL I think I'd have fallen for that one as well to be honest.

[172_driver]

Not really "funny" as such, but kind of funny the arrogance some ATCO:s show.

Me: For your information, there is a big flock of birds on the ground at the approach end runway 27R
TWR: Silence
Me: Repeated myself as above
TWR: Confirm you are ready for departure
Me: Negative, repeated myself as above
TWR: Yeah I don't know what they are up to
Me: Neither do I, so I am sure approaching aircraft would like to know

This was a US airport, I know EU-OPS requires an immediate report as soon as a potential bird hazard is observed.

[Luszam]

Many years ago I was taking off from Lusaka (4,000ft asl) on a hot day at noon in a fully loaded C206. Took forever to take off.

Right after take off controller says.. :

XXX we were wondering if you were driving or flying to destination.

:bored:

[fry79]

Cologne Airport ATIS Information "India" YouTube - ATIS Information Cologne Airport (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOKfW_DLNdo)

[poldek77]

Cologne Airport ATIS Information "India" YouTube - ATIS Information Cologne Airport

I think this one is much better:
YouTube - Funny KVNY (Van Nuys, CA) ATIS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDnXqC2603Y)

[INNflight]

We were in a Diamond MEP on an IR training sortie, doing a low-drag, high-speed ILS app into a major international airport as to not hold up the traffic behind.

ATC: AB-CDE report speed

Student: 150kts AB-CDE

ATC: A-DE reduce to 130kts, traffic ahead is an Avroliner on a 3 mile final.

Poor guys in the Avro...must have had 'em faces all red :\


Needless to say we had a giggle.

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

<< I think we can fit you in, how long is your span?>>

I never heard it called that before!!

[dash6]

Pa28 pilot:" xxx TWR final,full stop."
Passenger: " Did'nt know you had to put the punctuation in."
(The landing was rubbish.)

[Navigator33]

ATC: AB-CDE report speed

Student: 150kts AB-CDE

ATC: A-DE reduce to 130kts, traffic ahead is an Avroliner on a 3 mile final.

How about catching up with a 737 in a Tb-20. Couple of moons ago in Malaga.

[MucMuc]

I was in the jumpseat when this exchange happened, many moons ago on JP Flight to MUC.

JP was cleared to taxi to the gate and happily doing so.

ATC: JPxxx, you vere cleared for taxi, not takeoff. Slow down, now!..:ok:

Don't think anyone replied as we were too busy rolling on the floor!! :}

[SeleniaOC]

During my on the job training:

Me: (fresh from the simulator) Callsign, do you have the A330 now taxiing ...right in front of you in sight?
Pilot: Are you joking? Is there any way we wouldn't?
Me: Well..taxi behind. *bright red faced*

(overheard on the frequency)
ATC: Callsign(A330) hold short of the runway, light aircraft on final.
Pilot of A330: You expect a heavy to wait for the ppl?
to which the student pilot promptly replies
"A pilot is not born in the A330 sir." :D


A friend of mine, while on OJT, talking to a Swedish airline, coming direct from Sweden. (Location indicator starts with ES.. can't remember the exact airport)
Our language is Greek, but we use English at the RT.
ATC: Vacate the runway to the right, contact Ground xxx.x, Buenas Dias.
Pilot: *long pause* Erhm..To the right... buenas dias.
My friend was so proud, it took me a couple of minutes to stop laughing and explain to him that the location indicator ES was not for Espana = Spain. :p

[Lon More]

Even before my retirement I'd lost track of the number of languages spoken at Maastricht UAC. As a matter of courtesy, (and of our linguistic superiority) airlines were greeted in their own language. This all went well - until a rather stressed out German trainee greeted an Aeroflot flight with "Gross Britannia" in stead of "Do svidanya"

[Jwscud]

Heard on a US Midwest centre frequency today:

Airliner: Centre, Delta xxx requesting FL280

Controller: Unable - traffic opposite direction F-15 FL280

Airliner: We got tone

Controller: I know who my money's on...

[Orvilles dad]

Going back in time (to 1971) to my first solo X Country - Middleton St. George (MME) as it was then, to Yeadon (LBA) - can even remember the aircraft - G-AXUA Beagle Pup 100.

Approaching LBA, lots of radio traffic so desperately trying to tell them I was approaching. It became clear the reason for the delay was an American voice with a call sign MATS XXX - later realised US military (saw the aircraft on the ground) presumably flying ice cream into the nearby Menwith Hill Earth Station. He'd probably flown the Atlantic and had just about enough aviating for the day.

Seems the tie up was that he was trying to negotiate a straight in, but ATC was having none of it. I managed to jump in with a call and was given #1 to land. US friend came back with another request for a straight in but he was told no, you are #2 to land, following the Beagle Pup 100.

This didn't go down well, so another call was made pleading for a straight in. Controller clearly drew himself up to his maximum height and said "MATS, negative straight in, you are #2 - unless you are declaring an emergency!"

Came back lightning fast, in a broad Texan accent "Sir, every time I fly, its an emergency...". Laughter from the Controller - straight in given and I was demoted to #2 to land.

OD

[malecontrol]

In Male international Airport, Maldives we have a lot seaplanes. They land and depart from a lagoon just next to the RWY on the eastern side. The dep/landing lanes are designated as Northbound left/right or Southbound left/right. The following is true. I was the the TWR controller.

TMF: Ready for departure NL. (North left)
Me: TMF wind xxxxx NL cleared for take off.

Few minutes after departure

TMF: TWR TMF we have a comm failure, req to land SL.

ME:!!!!!!!!

[gizmocat]

Wouldn't NL become SR ?

[malecontrol]

Yes, NL becomes SR but usually they don't land on this lane because NL is very close to their docks so they like to use it for only departures. Even in high crosswind and tailwinds they prefer to take NL for departures....taxiing in water perhaps is not the easiest of things to do. It takes a lot of time for them to taxi to SL and SR is almost never used for departures because there is no taxi lane for SR and they have to backtrack on SR. And there is no point in taxiing to NR if wind favours a northbound departure. Thus NR is almost all the time used for landings and NL for departures. It's forbidden by procedure to use NL for landings because the final approach path runs over docked aircraft and terminal buildings of the seaplane operators.

And yeah, there is one more lane, West/Eastbound - a crossing lane. Depending on the wind these lanes are used for dep. and landings.

Our main RWY is 36/18 and almost through out the year we have a crosswind. No choice, it's on an island and that's how the island is.

I hope that gives a glimpse of our aerodrome.

Thanks.

[malecontrol]

EXV127 (Expo 127) is a frequent cargo plane to the Maldives from VCBI. Usually it's an AN12 flown by Russian pilots. The following happened a few years ago before we got radar, during a moderately busy hour, in the afternoon.

Pilot: Male Tower this is EXV127 with you, from Control.

TWR: EXV127, Male Tower good afternoon, report position.

Pilot: We are 11 miles on the 12 DME arc, crossing radial 130, EXV127.

TWR: :confused:

[HPbleed]

What's wrong with that? He's in limits. As for your previous, I thought you'd posted because he'd had a comm failure yet was still talking to you, not because of his runway request. I'm a bit confused...:confused:

[malecontrol]

Oops my bad. I didn't know that...actually never thought about that. Our AIP doesn't say anything about the arc tolerance limits. But since you said so I thought about it and it makes perfect sense because there is a tolerance limit in everything. I just read an Australian AIP and it says you got to be within plus or minus 2 miles but our AIP is silent about that. Thanks HPbleed because of you I have learnt something...I would just digest the fact that I made a fool of myself in the process :D Can I delete that :O?

As for the comm failure thing...yes I posted it because he reported a comm failure over the radio, RWY request was not important there. Later I gave a little information about our aerodrome to give an idea of the place to gizmocat, because he asked a question.

[soaringhigh650]

A/G: "Golf Victor Bravo turn left right now"

:confused:

[max1]

New one for me

Controller "ABC123 request wind and ride report"

ABC123 (female voice) "Wind XXX/XXX, intimate (intermittent?) light to moderate turbulence"

[Stoffel_KT]

When I was training in Maastricht, another mate of mine was working a position next to me....

Pilots had already all the time been requesting different levels than what they filed.

suddenly pilots comes in, was flying something like 330.

Pilot: "Maastricht, XYZ123 request higher"
mate: "Roger, XYZ123, What level would you like"
Pilot: "Euhm.... well any Level would do, just just would like to get anything higher if possible, XYZ123"

we all look at each other, immediatly thinking the same thing....

mate: "XYZ123, climb FL550"
everybody starts laughing like hell, other pilots also show their respect for this one on freq.

Pilot comes back also laughing out loud: "well euhm, thank you :), but euhm maybe we'll only start climbing FL370 for now if that's fine as well "

Sometimes the funniest things can be so obvious and sooo simple :D

[Lasiorhinus]

Heard an aircraft this afternoon:

"XYZ Hold Shorting Runway 18"

[C-JEAN]

Hi Lasiorhinus.

Hi have no problem understanding his "mixing" of the
ends of his words. B-)

I often rent a Cessna 172, in CYHU airport.
It's call sing is C-GSEN.

And we know that: once the communication is established,
we use only the last 3 letters/numbers/digits. . .

So, OBVIOUSLY, I DID make THE mistake, once:
"St-Hubert tower, here is SIERRO ECHA november. . ." B-)

Blue skies.

[phildan89]

Probably the best one for me so far-after giving a helicopter the new weather information a dash 8 calls up "Link XXX request taxi and we copy information.... errrm..... ummmm.... what letter comes after I???" Ya gotta wonder sometimes :ugh:

[waco]

Was on first solo excursion out of the zone at Liverpool.

Poodling down the Mersey, ATC said "call Seaforth outbound"

I replied " Wilco will call seabound outforth" (un-intentional)

Everyone else on frequency laughed.....

[wonnski]

New poster, hope this works, bear with me.

35 year US enroute ATCS, 13 years in Chicago, then 22 years in Jacksonville. I have read the entire thread, lots of good stuff, but lots of old and stale ones.
I was not exactly 'by the book' on phraseology and such PC stuff, so I seemed to get involved in strange things, many of my own doing. Most of my stuff will be lengthy, but it WILL be new to you. I'll give you one now, then titles for you to select from....I'll post the story when the pain subsides...you see, I'm not a typist, I'm a 'hunt'n pecker, so when my pecker gets too much of a workout, it gets sore & can't reach the keyboard.

Story One....The Rabbit Died

This one was actually passed to us at Chicago by Oshkosh tower the day it happened, the guys there were squealing about it for weeks.
A married female GA instructor had just departed and informed the tower she thought they had hit a bunny on RWY27. Ramp rats checked, deceased bunny. Tower guy knew the gal's hubby, called him up and told him his wife had confided to him "The Rabbit Died".
Well, the guy gets all excited, rushes out and buys her flowers and gets to the airport to meet her after her lesson. She hops out, he hugs her & hands her the flowers, there is a long conversation, he starts laughing, she storms over to the tower.
The tower guys bought her a bottle of champagne to soothe her feathers.
For the young readers who don't understand the technology involved with dead bunnies, ask yer mum.

Okay, here's a short list of possible stories to choose from.....

I kiss Arnie Palmers putter

Southwest is going down

New color radar

Tiger pilot gets his peepee kissed

The UFO (not a funny story, real UFO)

Airways quiz of the hour

Flaming Butts

Airshows at FL370

Lethal Linda's F-16

Carrot on a Stick

Step right up and makes yer choice, the bar is open and smoking lamp lit

[PhiltheReaper]

How can we not opt for the UFO story? :P

Phil

[proxus]

....that or maybe Airshows at FL370

[MaxspeedSlowdown]

Controller answers phone and responding the Pilots query asks ground:

Supervisor: "Do you have a plan for ANG400 to Moro?"

Ground : "No, but I have one for Today........oh ****" :O

ANG400 -Air Nugini 400
Moro - AYMR

[Lon More]

Back when we still phoned estimates between units the Papa Alpha Oscar November Echo or Papa Alpha Tango Whisky Oscar often had people writing out strips; usually the penny dropped after the second or third one.

[wonnski]

6-24-78, Radar-visual in Wisconsin (http://www.nicap.org/rvwisc1.htm)

Here is the UFO story.

I'll do the Airshow at FL370 later today.

[conflict alert]

so when my pecker gets too much of a workout, it gets sore & can't reach the keyboard.
:}:}:} That's pretty funny in itself

(In our part of the world your 'pecker' is one of the many names given to a males anatomy)

[wonnski]

As I mentioned, PC stuff sometimes slips past me, unintentionally of course.

[wonnski]

An A/C dealer in Tampa was giving demo flights on a Global Express, usually north out of Tampa, up over to JAX to Columbia, SC, West to Tallahassee, back to Tampa.
On one of his flights, I had a flight of 4 F-15's head-on with him, 2,000' below. I loved letting the military show off, so I asked the Express if he had a camera in cockpit...he did. I told him I'd give him a look at something cool, which side did he want it on...he said port.
So I called traffic to Eagles at 12 o'clock & 60 miles...he called a lock. I told him the guy wanted them to smile down his port side for photo..he said "we'll give him a show".
I kept the Express advised of the traffic, then when they had passed he said "Damn, I didn't know they could even do that", I asked what it was, he said better I didn't know, but to thank the Eagles for him, which I did.
About a week later, another demo flight, but it went badly. Lost radios just North of JAX, much confusion resulted between sectors and military controllers in a Warning Area, ended up with 2 F-16's at about a mile & zero feet vertical from the Express.
When the Express got near Tallahassee, he came up on my freq, said he'd had a bus failure, comm was not reliable, asked for lower & next freq if he lost me.
I then told him he had missed another picture opportunity & how it happened.
He said "Well, these airshows are one hell of a lot of fun, but if it's ok with you we'll just be spectators from now on."

[chiglet]

Lon, at PATCRU We used the [old] designators, ie, two letters ...hence
BA "Speedbird" Lima Lima Sierra
TW [Trans World] Alpha Tango
PA [Clipper] November Tango Sierra
Best one was at RAF Buchan in the early '60s USN strike force Callsign FUKC01-08. Fortunately they read out the Phonetics....:ok:

[Lon More]

Callsign FUKC01-08

The fFrench used a similar c/s for their tankers. FUKCD was one IIRC

Very young, female FO at Sopley was having real difficulties with it as he repeatedly flew out of the towline and getting in everybody's way. To compound things one of the top brass was visiting He bent over her shoulder and asked the poor girl, "What's the matter my dear?" to which she threw off her headset, tried to stand up, turn around and salut all at the same time and blurted out, "It's F:mad:d Sir!"

Funnier if you were there

[The Nr Fairy]

Somewhere on the South Coast, an intrepid Nr Fairy is tootling back to the field while a Coastguard AgustaWestland AB139 flies a practice ILS . . .

XXX Tower: AugstWasteland . . . AugustWestern . . . (eventually, after three or so goes, gets it right) AgustaWestland AB139 long finals for 26, report southern boundary

NrF: Wilco, and looking for the big red and white thing long finals

XXX Tower: <giggles>


Well, it made me laugh at the time.

[deltaalphaecho]

D&D: Approach, we've got an emergencey squawk showing 0.5miles north of you. Says he's lost. Any ideas?
App: Nope, not one of mine. What's the a/c reg?
D&D: A-BC.
App: Ah, he should be with me. It's a student pilot.
D&D: What freq? I'll send him back to you.
App: A-BC this is approach.
A-BC: Approach, A-BC... I think I'm lost.
(Tower controller in background: Tell him to look f****** down!)
App: A-BC, got you visual overhead the airfield.
A-BC: Oh yeah, there you are!
:ugh:

[BounceBounceLand]

On a trip in a PA28 with a student to Cambridge. One aircraft, a Robin DR400,joining ahead of us, via the overhead,

TWR: G-XX Report Overhead
Robin: Roger

Literally 3-4 minutes of silence on the frequency

Robin: G-XX Late Downwind
TWR: G-XX, roger, Report final
TWR: G-XX

Aircraft on short final, TWR give a litte hint

TWR: G-XX Runway 05 Cleared to Land the wind 090/10
Robin: Thankyou for the information

My student to me: "Im really not that bad on the Radio am i?"


Made us laugh, but how some of them keep a license dear knows

[Suzeman]

Heard just recently in the UK

US airliner - Hey, looks like the whole of the UK is covered in snow! Where did it all come from?

Some wag replied - The sky.

Stony silence ensued

10/10 for that one :ok:

Suzeman

[redsnail]

Heard recently in Moscow.

Moscow App "Air France 123, please listen out, I have had to call you several times to get a response from you. It is very busy here and you are not helping. Next time, listen out"

Air France 123 "err Moscow, waz zat for us?"

Priceless.
And it was very very busy!

[Lon More]

Back to their old ways Reddo.
Back when, Air Frog could get to cruising level out of Copenhagen and only call again when wanting descent into de Gaulle. Straight through some of Europe's busiest airspace.http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o85/LaKsOy/Emoticons/wank.gif. They were probably 90% of our Radio Failure reports. Letters to the company didn't help and it got so bad that the Mil. stoppped intercepting them unless there was already something in the air, when a really close formation, i.e. read the Crew Chief's name, seemed to help for a couple of weeks.
I hear some KLM pilots are getting as bad as well (must be the fusion) igh level ito AMS from the North the normal clearance is to descend to FL260 to be level 55nm (IIRC) before ARTIP, often with the restriction to reduce to 260IAS when within range. KLM pilots sometimes tended to treat both these as simple guidelines which met with a further instruction from a now retired controller, "The number is 260. Descend to it, reduce to it, or turn to it." A series of vectors round the North Sea to the rear of the inbound flow, and a subsequent change in the EOB time of some 20 minutes left the captain with some explaining to do to the company.

[Surferboy]

I hear some KLM pilots are getting as bad as well (must be the fusion) igh level ito AMS from the North the normal clearance is to descend to FL260 to be level 55nm (IIRC) before ARTIP, often with the restriction to reduce to 260IAS when within range. KLM pilots sometimes tended to treat both these as simple guidelines which met with a further instruction from a now retired controller, "The number is 260. Descend to it, reduce to it, or turn to it." A series of vectors round the North Sea to the rear of the inbound flow, and a subsequent change in the EOB time of some 20 minutes left the captain with some explaining to do to the company.

That must've been a while ago, speedrestrictions since then went up to 280-300kts and during the oilprice-peak back again to 260-280kts.

55NM before ARTIP is still used, but it is also still as incorrect as before. Should be FL260 at the boundary (wich would be somewhere in the region of 65NM before ARTIP) :}

But you're comment about KLM pilots in particular is missing the point a bit, you can say that about almost all pilots at their homebase. Brussels Airlines into EBBR almost always need encouraging to make the descent. Ryanair into EHEH has yet to make the standard level at HELEN for the first time.

But usually the hint of an extra orbit helps them to drop like a brick...:ok:

[FlightDetent]

Overheard just today:

"AirBerlin xxnn, Hurgada Tower: d'you have a slot?"
"HRG TWR, ABxxnn: None that I know of, go ahead, ready to copy."
"I do not know, my systems are down, call your company and advise slot time for start up."

Actually not that funny at all. Egypt's IT infrastructure brutalized today, a man working his job on a busy morning with his tools taken shows he won't stop delivering. :ok:

[Gulfstreamaviator]

Selectair in Stansted, was allocated the call sign SEX.

Lady Captain was always encouraged to make call SEX 1 checking in.

Company went down, don't know about her.

or the lady ATC at Biggin Hill, who could turn us on at 10 miles if it helped.

[penniless]

Had this one just last week, a transatlantic Virgin came over to us (Shannon high level) and made one of the most common (and harmless) mistakes we hear all the time

VIR123: London...uhhhh....I mean Shannon, Virgin123 FL360 direct DOGAL

Me: Speedbird...uhhh... I mean Virgin123 Good Morning, Identified



In fairness, he did laugh :)

[Lon More]

That must've been a while ago,
It ws. I retired in 2005.

[langleybaston]

Met Office Topcliffe, many moons ago, phone rings;

"Met Topcliife"

"Met Watton here"

"Did you say Wyton"

"No its Watton here"

"Its sh1tty here too but we don't ring you to complain about it!"

[diginagain]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I'm reading that and thinking of P. Sellars and H. Secombe.

[langleybaston]

VERY similar vintage, c. 1964.

[evil_hitman]

:sad:
70 pages later and i want more.
This thread has kept me entertained for days and resulted in some strange looks from some co-workers.
Keep up the good work and some time soon i'll be up in the air supplying you guys with more material :)

Matt

[rymle]

From an airfield quite far from you (… thank god?)

Company passing on taxiways, one coming and one going.
Flight1: Hey Matt, long-haul today?
Flight2: Yup, won't be back til Thursday!
Flight1: So your wife's free then?
Unknown: Sorry mate, I got dibs.

--

Flight1: Uuuh, TWR, there's a cat sitting on the road leading down your way from TWY Y.
TWR: Oh yeah… Errr… It's our new towercat! Yes… CharlieAlphaTango. Don't worry, he's trained to stay 50m from the taxiway unless instructed otherwise.

--

TWR: Flight1, confirm you got hit by a laser turning for final?
Flight1: Negative, we never really got directly hit. But it looked like it tried. Poor lad must have a lousy aim.

[visibility3miles]

Not ATC per se...

As a pax flying into Toronto, the pilot announced our arrival would be delayed twenty minutes due to traffic flow problems at the airport.

So, does the pilot circle around some boring crop field?

Nope. We spent twenty minutes circling directly over Niagara Falls. :ok: :ok:

I was in a window seat looking straight down at the Falls the whole while, pulling my head back occasionally to let others get a good view.

Do pilots notice when all passengers crowd to one side to look out the windows?

[visibility3miles]

A pilot at a drop zone asked me to hold his dog while he took off to take a load of jumpers up to skydive because, "He likes to chase tires."
:eek: :eek: :ugh:

[radarman]

The civil apron at a rocky Mediterranean airport was only thirty yards away from the border. Every July a large, brightly lit all night fair used to set up on the waste ground immediately north of the border and apron. One evening the last flight in from UK was delayed till nearly midnight, well after normal closing time. On entering the apron and heading straight for the fair the following exchange took place:

Pilot: Sorry for the delay, but many thanks for staying open. I see the fair is in full swing.

Tower (Sarcastically): Yeah. Roll up, roll up. Come and see the bearded lady.

Pilot: Thanks, but we've got our own (giggle). It's Derek,the chief purser.

[EltorroLoco]

Young lady checks in with her JS41 on FAJS Radar the other day, I give her descent clearance.

She asks,"Would you like us to descend now?"
I say,"No, you can go down whenever you're ready."

She took it rather well I thought.

[Pandalet]

I'm a helicopter pilot (never flown a stuck-wing) and some years back, I was doing some fun flying out of Cape Town Int. while on holiday in South Africa. For those who aren't familiar with FACT, the runway is N-S, with the GA hangers etc. on the West side. I'd been sightseeing out to the East with a heli-load of family, and wished to return to base; the following conversation ensued:

Me: Cape Town tower, helicopter XXX overhead Bottlery, request active crossing to return to base hanger

Twr: helicopter XXX, after the Nationwide 747-200 departs, crossing approved, call clear

Me: uhh...tower, I can see a number of aircraft around the active threshold, which one is the 747-200?

*pause*

Twr: helicopter XXX, after the departing big red jet, crossing approved, call clear

Me: cross behind the big red jet, call clear, helicopter XXX, thanks!

Let it not be said that helicopter pilots are incapable of following simple instructions!

[rymle]

TWR: SASxxx, confirm you have preceeding in sight? You are overtaking by 40 knots!
SASxxx: It's more fun when we go fast!

[studentpilotmcuk]

It was a nice day at EGNJ and I was observing a Cessna 172 when I heard this over the radio

radio transmission went like this

Cessna: G-TS ready for departure

TWR: GTS Hold position Vulcan on finals for runway 21

Cessna: Roger Hold position at holding point Bravo and I think someone is pulling your leg that vulcan looks more like a Nimrod to me.:O :E

TWR: Yeah alright, he has a call sign of Vulcan and he is doing instrument training. :}

I thought this was very funny I hope you do to.

Regards Stude :ok:

[One9iner]

A good one I heard recently, a friend of mine was doing his first solo circuit flight...

"ABC is lefthand downwind 23L touch and go"

Tower - "ABC, continue approach for 23R, you're number 3 behind a C172 late downwind and a Beech1900 on 3 mile final for the left"

"Cleared to land 23R ABC"

"No, you are not cleared to land, you are cleared to continue for the right, number 3, report sighting of a cessna and a beech about to land on the left"

"copy traffic, cleared for 23L, ABC"

"No!! you're now number 2 behind a cessna also for the right, thats 23R!!!"

"copy number 3"

give up!

[visibility3miles]

I want to thank ATC everywhere for being calm, cool, and collected. There's only been twice when my alto voice rose to soprano or falsetto. I was still relaying the appropriate information, but your calm demeanor helped me focus on flying and landing the plane, even if it concerned details such as "What happened to the rear wheel on the taildragger I'm trying to land? Where did it go?" or (okay, minor) I can't see you due to haze, but "Hold your current altitude in VFR. There are two A-10s incoming five hundred feet above you."

[Wojtus]

Military unit filed FPL for a local flight with remark:

RMK/TRAINING FLIES

Bio warfare?

[Jwscud]

Scene: Jersey this morning, OVC000 RVR around Cat I minima, 08/08

Flybe Dash 8 lands..

TWR: Jersey XXX Taxi stand 9, report runway vacated...

...welcome to the warmest place in Britain :}

[foxyankee]

Yesterday I was trying to get two directs for two flights into the next sector with splitting routings. A faster one (heavy out of LHR)to Asia and a Medium-jet for Munich, operating for LH (Regional sub-branch).
In order to start coordination I had to know the speeds.

Since about two minutes the flight was already enroute and not anymore in a departure phase.

Me: "Report planned crusing mach-no."
Pilot: "Mach .79"
Me: "And was is your present speed?"
Pilot: "...... .80"

LOL :D:ok:

[Aquafina1]

This may have been posted here before but anyway!

An instructor flying a C172, let's call it AB-AAZ. On a marginal wx day was asked by ATC:
"AAZ, control, confirm you are in Victor Mike Charlie"
Instructor replied:
"Negative control I'm in Alpha Alpha Zulu"
:)

[zakkk]

funny. lol i can never imagine working as an ATC. but wow they seemed so comfortable working and chilling :O

[rjtjrt]

This is taken from another site.
I am not ATC.

I was a controller at Albany Georgia tower back in the '70s, and a Cherokee was on downwind, with the instructor introducing his student to radio procedures. Fortunately for me, their intercom locked on for a bit and I got all the dialog between the student and the instructor. It went like this:

instructor:
"Say 'Albany tower.'"

student pilot:
"Ah — Al-Albany tower?"

instructor:
"'This is Cherokee 76 Whiskey.'"

student:
"This is — is — Ch-Cherokee — ?"

instructor:
"'76 Whiskey.'"

student:
"Seven — 76 Whiskey?"

instructor:
"'We are on left downwind for runway 22, touch and go.'"

student:
"We are on — ?"

instructor:
"... 'Left downwind for 22.'"

student:
"Left down-downwind —"

instructor:
"... 'Downwind for 22, touch and go.'"

student:
"I don't want to learn to fly no more!"

[zakkk]

hahahahaha LOL

[Dawdler]

Overheard at a fly-in for old flyers (Operation Propeller) a couple of years ago.

"G-XX request clearance for take off"

TWR- "Hold where you until You are cleared. There is a wheelchair close to to the edge of the active"

"G-XX Roger that Tower, number one after departing wheelchair?"

TWR - "Sorry about that XX, The wheelchair is non radio, so I can't get him to expidite!"

[Mikehotel152]

Blocked transmissions are often mildly amusing.

Today, London airspace

ATC: "RYR123, at GIBSO turn right"
Looks of puzzlement followed by laughter in the cockpit.
RYR: "Please say again, RYR123"
ATC: "RYR123, at GIBSO turn right 10 degrees"

[Sensible Flyer]

I'm doing my PPL training at the moment and was on a nav ex last week. Talking to Lakenheath was interesting, and also heard the following little exchange:

"G-XX have you made your drop yet?"
"Say again G-XX"
"Ah it don't matter anyway. Service terminated. Change to en-route frequency".

[ChampChump]

ATC: AAZZ are you still on frequency?

Pause. Other transmissions.

ATC: AAZZ are you still on frequency?

Pause.

ATC: AAZZ are you still on frequency?

Pause.

AAZZ: was that for me?

ATC: AAZZ suggest you contact 111.11

AAZZ: Sorry, we could hear you talking to other people but not to us.

Slight pause.

ATC: Roger. Contact 111.11 goodbye.



Unidentified a/c: What was that about?

ATC: Search me!

[ILblog]

Flying to Samedan in winter as an Y flight plan. Italian controler see, that we are reaching last waypoint in our flight plan:

ATC: OK-FTR you are reaching destination. What are your intentions?
We: We would like to ski whole weekend.

[vulcanised]

Not a rib tickler but made me smile:-

"Changing to one three two dot four five."

[vulcanised]

Probably been done before but made me laugh a few minutes ago

"What are your intentions after landing"?

"Have a cup of tea".

[ferris]

ATC: "ABC123 descend to FL280"

ABC123: " unintelligible (extremely faint)"

ATC: "ABC123 I couldn't hear the readback, you are not speaking into the microphone"

ABC123:angry and loud "I was speaking into the microphone, it's just that it was too far from my mouth"
:hmm:

[SeanBelfast]

Pilot 1: tower, Callsign74, do we have a new STD?

Pilot 2 (unknown aircraft): I hope not!! (with laugher)

Pilot 1: disregard....

Tower: (slight chuckle) Roger..

[A4]

Heard at Essex International:

ABC123: "ABC123, request clearance to Fantasy Island"

Without a pause,

ATC: "ABC123, cleared Ibiza, CPT4R, SQUAWK 1234".

Made me smile :)

A4

[halas]

Tracking south on the Singapore Eastern Frequency near Tambelan Island in the middle of the night, we hear a recording of a cat meowing on 121.5, several times over a few minutes.

ATC: "ABC, you hear somethin' on guar'?" (in a heavy Singaporian accent)

Us: "yes"

ATC: "Is it someone callin' or a pran' call?"

Us: "What?"

ATC: "You thin is a pran' "

Us: "Not sure what a pran sounds like, it sounded more like a cat"

ATC: "A wha'?"

Us: "A pussy!"

ATC: "Conta' Jakarta control......"

halas

[John R81]

Two recent

On final approach, cleared to land:

***81 - TWR, Are you familiar with the horse at the end of the runway

TWR - No! ...... but I do know he is there.




And en- route last sunday, 2500ft East Midlands UK. With LARS service for some time, happily burning through the leg when LARS wanted an ETA at an intermediate point on the leg, some distance away. At that time using a 1:250,000.


LARS - ***81, please advise your ETA at AAAA.

(long Silence)

LARS - ***81, please advise your ETA at AAAA!

(long Silence)


***81 - [different voice] Apologies; pilot not flying is having trouble folding his maps!

LARS - We have all been there!


:):):)

[SilentHandover]

TurningFinals, that's not funny it's poor controlling and awful service. Next time expect the puddejumper do all he is legally obliged to do in your MATZ, nothing!!

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

<<i have fare paying pax onboard and this is getting expensive for them">>

Doesn't sound like the average puddle-jumper but still a twit.

[Lon More]

Doesn't sound like the average puddle-jumper but still a twit.

Sounds like a Norwich based turkey. Bootiful!

[bigjames]

overheard today in HKG during #8 Typhoon:

approach: cathy xxx proceed to hold point YYYYY
cathay: yeah, we're going to hold here for 10 minutes til this weather passes
approach: wow, you're optimistic!

a minute later...

approach: sorry i didn't mean to be flippant, we've had this weather all morning

cathay: proceeding to hold point....

[R2112]

Flew in a friends Sport Cruiser on Sunday Kemble to Wellsborne. Textbook landing and a coffee before the return leg, little bit lumpier than the outbound but still very pleasant however after a small altercation in the circuit with an R44 on a decidedly non standard arrival my friend decided to have a 'moment' in the touchdown phase, resulting in not one but THREE touchdowns! ATC generously offered to only charge us for one, much to the amusement of all on frequency I'm sure.

[teej5536]

Coasting in, VFR, to Aberdeen speaking to female offshore radar controller.

ATC: "X123 Traffic service as you skirt down the coast",
Me: "Traffic service down the coast. And it's not a skirt, it's a kilt". (I'm a Scot, and she is English).

Got a chuckle from her, and from the other side of the cockpit. :p

[northeasthelichopter]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahaha i love it such great funny storys from you cool pilot buddys of mine

[Viking101]

One out of many conversations with useless ATC in Paris Orly

Me: ready for take off
Twr: nr 2 for take off, after AF.

......

Another AF checks in on fq, in French, and gets cleared for take off

Me: what's going on? I can actually count
Twr: sorry I forgot about you
Me: vive la France......

[dwshimoda]

Me: ready for take off

I didn't think that phrase was used anymore?

[Viking101]

Its debatable, I hear that and ready for departure.

Honestly I think it is changed too, but since I hear ready for take off every day I don't care changing since no one else does it here.

Anyway, this is supposed to be a fun topic, don't get me started over what's correct or not in Orly...

[Betablockeruk]

BAxxx: Hello delivery, BAxxx at LAM FL100
ATC: I'm not delivery, I'm Director.
BAxxx: Oh sorry.
ATC: Nevermind. Cleared to start and continue in the LAM hold

[Lancman]

Many years ago in the middle of the Indian Ocean on a very hot and bumpy night we could hear a female Australian voice trying to pass a position report to Colombo on H.F. The call-sign sounded like "Qantas Tin". After about fifteen minutes of being repeatedly stepped on by Madras, Bombay and Singapore and having her signal fading out and coming back in again she eventually got her message through. Loud and clear a very superior British voice said "Good on you, Sheila!". "Up your arse, Pom" was her immediate response!

[pipercam]

Student Pilot: Ground, xx-xxx, confirm, was I cleared to cross runway 15 or runway 33?

Ground: xx-xxx, you can cross 15, or you can cross 33 but at the end of the day you're gonna be crossing the same god damn bit of concrete!

[dagowly]

VFR puddle jumper transitting our MATZ , fast jet inbound, VFR traffic not visual with the fast jet.

ATC - "acft orbit in your current position unless visual with the fast jet inbound for the procedure"

Acft "wilco, where is the fast jet traffic?"

ATC "Inbound to the procedure which starts at 10 miles"

a few minutes pass...

Acft "we have been orbitted twice now, request update on fast jet?"

ATC "he's at 8 miles"

Acft "you told me about 5 minutes ago he was at 10 miles, now you're saying he's at 8 miles"

ATC "negative i said he was inbound for the procedure which begins at 10 miles"

Acft "i have fare paying pax onboard and this is getting expensive for them"

ATC "it'd have cost you more if you hit him"

Puddle jumper pilot gets back in his box.

Odd, the controller tells it differently/truthfully

[Gargleblaster]

Me: ready for take off
Wasn't this phraseology banned after it was found that it had contributed to the death of 500+ people ?

[JWLBOYCE]

It was, after the KLM/Pan-Am Disaster.

[fruitcake]

Amsterdam , request rwy 06 to avoid
"to avoid what?" (weather is cavok)
to avoid the polderbaan..(18R)
(big laughter following by roger cleared direct)

[woocash]

Refreshment on the simulator:

DHL123: "Mayday mayday mayday, radar, DHL123 lost engine number one."
ATC: "Mayday approved"

[HPbleed]

Don't get it.
Amsterdam , request rwy 06 to avoid
"to avoid what?" (weather is cavok)
to avoid the polderbaan..(18R)
(big laughter following by roger cleared direct)

[DiCampo]

If you look at a map of Schiphol, you can see that 18R is kinda very far out from the other runways and the terminals.
Longer taxiing etc.

[INNflight]

If you look at a map of Schiphol, you can see that 18R is kinda very far out from the other runways and the terminals.
Longer taxiing etc.

Understatement of the year - Polderbaan may well already be in Belgium :zzz:

[Surferboy]

Belgium?? Your map is a bit off....more like the third runway at Heathrow!:E

[vulcanised]

"............and how many on board?"

"None"

[Ryleh]

While doing my ppl(h) and starting using the radio on my own - requesting hover taxi to the heli strip

A/c - requesting lift-off and hover taxi to heli strip two six, g-**
Atc - g-** lift-off approved, runway 26, fly me to the moon!

Instructor laughing

[KermitRulesOK]

This happened during my initial flight training in Kissimmee, Florida. On tower frequency about to make a VRP call to rejoin and land but someone beats me to it...


A/C (middle-eastern modular student): Kissimme Tower, N**** at the sand pits with the AWOS, inbound full stop landing

TWR: Roger N****, report at the water towers for runway 33 left hand

A/C: Report at the twin towers for 33 left hand, N****

-brief silence-

TWR: Ok...


Me and my instructor cringed at this very un-pc error!

[vulcanised]

"Student G-****, confirm your level"

"Confirm I'm level"

[soaringhigh650]

American Pilot: "Woah. (pause). Woah woah woah woah!!!! (yelling) Did you see that?"
Some London ATC: "Affirm"

Pilot: "He was way too close!"
ATC: "Would you like to upgrade to a traffic service?"

Pilot: "How about a 'I don't wanna hit anyone else' kinda service?"
ATC: "We have a deconfliction service but there are too many contacts in your area to deconflict you from them."

Pilot: "Can you just give me the best service you have?"
ATC: "I can only give you a limited traffic service due to controller workload and multiple contacts observed in your area. Unfortunately that means late or no warning of traffic."

Pilot: "All right. But this is reallll scaaary noww!"

[Eric T Cartman]

"How about a 'I don't wanna hit anyone else' kinda service?"

Brilliant :ok: Gonna offer that to somone the day I retire & see what happens ! ;)

[Gulfstreamaviator]

got a laugh but not a better service.

glf

[mad_jock]

then there is the old Brize service.

"request type of service required"

"the normal **** one will do"

One herk pilot in a whole heap of trouble once on the ground.

[jw29]

ATC: "XXX107 essential aerodrome information, geese observed to be crossing the climbout, this time, south to north."

Pilot: Ahh yes sir, we have the traffic on TCAS.

RRRR heheheh lllllyyy

[jw29]

ATC: Essential aerodrome information, flock of geese observed crossing the climbout out for runway 28, south to north.

Pilot: Ahh yes sir, we have the ttraffic on TCAS.

Really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mr Mac]

Not strictly ATC but heard this conversation between 2 Quantas F/C and small Thai dispatcher at the newly opened Bangkok airport walking down depp gates. "So we have been to gate XX and gate XX and now gate XX with no 777 on any of them let alone a Quantas one. Have you any idea where you have put my aircraft !" Made me smile as I was playing hunt the EK lounge with one of the Thai airport staff at the time, who also seemed unaware of where that was as well !. :O

[RAC/OPS]

Be very hard to find a Qantas 777 I think!

[Mr Mac]

Rac/Ops
You are right it could not have been 777, must have been 747 but it was after a long day and in a busy terminal (do not pay much attention to a/c fleet on Quantas as I do not use them) so that,s my excuse:O. Still comment made me smile as that airport had its fare share of teething issues at the time and this was just one of the funnier things that I experianced in transit in the first few months :).

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

Even harder, in fact impossible to find a Quantas one!!!

[Mr Mac]

Ok I was tired I give in !!!:ouch:

[blissbak]

Fussy and boring, typical examples of air traffic controllers :E

[vulcanised]

"We want to taxi to groundco on landing"

"Roger, are you familiar with their location?"

"Negarive, we'll need a white stick"

[JohnnyPharm]

Prestwick has one of the longest runways in the UK, it also has two fling clubs so on any given day there can be anything from a micro light to an Antonov or Galaxy arriving or departing. As I was taxing out there was a C150 had just taxied out and a 747F had come in behind it.

Atc: Cessna g-xxxx cleared for take off

C150:cleared for take off

Atc: 747F after departing C150 line up an wait, caution wake turbulence :-D

[HEATHROW DIRECTOR]

<<Fussy and boring, typical examples of air traffic controllers>>

Aha.. we have a Tels bloke in our midst!

[DX Wombat]

it also has two fling clubs Well Prestwick is in Scotland so what do you expect? ;)
It's also the place where an ATCO made my day with the instruction to a USAF C130 "Give way to the Cessna 152 ....." I was the pilot in the 152. :)

[haughtney1]

3am at a major middle east hub airport.....

"delivery morning (xxxx125) (xxx=large middle eastern carrier bent on worldwide domination) request clearance .......xc fora dirndl "blocked"

"delivery xxxx564 request clearance to JFK.....dhrnwbdrh John "BLOCKED"

This continued for another two minutes before delivery replied...

"all xxxx aircraft requesting clearance shut up will you! I will get to you one at a time...."

" Ah delivery....that's gonna make us late...can I blame you?"

"negative blame your poxy scheduling department....":}:}:}:}

[Juggler25]

Whoever generates the callsigns at Specsavers has a sense of humour.

Had 'SPECSAVERS241' on frequency the other week which neither the pilot or myself managed to say without a small giggle.

Good job he didn't divert into Luton by mistake!

[smith]

Do spec savers run their own aircraft? :-O

[Gulfstreamaviator]

Unless they have changed, a Beech 200 for corporate transport, as well as collect and delivery of optical orders, then the UK outlets. Factory is in CI.

glf

[Air Soul]

2 Beech 350s, as corporate shuttles. No freight carried, and factories are all in the uk.

[Gulfstreamaviator]

Did they have a factory in GCI, saw many boxes of freight several years ago, in GCI.

Sorry believed B200....I stand corrected.



glf

[Air Soul]

Sorry glf, I could have answered better!

The Guernsey operation is one of the 3 main UK offices, others in Nottingham and Fareham.

Guernsey also has 2 warehouses (there are another 15 worldwide) that import and distribute frames to the UK. The warehouses are there for historical reasons - there's not a tax angle!

The King Airs fly scheduled services daily to EGHI and twice weekly to EGNX - and elsewhere according to business needs.

[DavidWoodward]

A/C "ABC123 request FL3600"

ATC "Roger ABC123 report re-entry."

[Jwscud]

Not humour as such, and probably been heard around before, but my first time hearing the Callsign "Specsavers 241" on London Control this morning. The chap on the radio was obviously a good company man as he was shortening the pronunciation of the '4'

[Excalibre]

Australian capital city airport, sun has just set and moon is rising majestically over the ranges:

B737 has just vacated the runway and is taxiing to the terminal.
As the aircraft truns a corner on the taxiway, the (senior sounding) pilot, overwhelmed by the beautiful vista through the windscreen says over the radio, "That's a magnificent moon!".

The ground controller responds with, "Whoops, I didn't think you'd be able to see me from over there".

[Atcham Tower]

That's great. Best post on here for ages!

[Betablockeruk]

747 calling in:

Pilot: Mach .84 direct XXXXX, FL370
ATC: Can you reduce to Mach .80?
Pilot: Yes, we'll try and stay airborne with that!

[Level 400]

I don't know how many of you out there have endured the same problem, a few years ago I shared a B707 cargo cockpit with a highly experienced captain whose habitual fruity language was definitely not transmissible. My job, then, was to quickly and accurately translate his sentiments into something which was prior to pressing the PTT button...
I must stress all the ATC units concerned were well South East of Dover!

e.g.

ATC: 'XYZ 123 reduce speed 180 '
Me: 'Speed 180 kts XYZ 123'
A little later......
ATC: 'XYZ 123 reduce speed 160 kts.'
Captain via intercom: " Tell that c**t if we go any slower we'll fall out the f*****g sky..."
Me: (after short pause) 'Um, Unable reduce further XYZ 123'

And.....
ATC: 'XYZ 123 turn left heading 270 degrees'
Captain (via intercom) " Tell that f*****g w@*ker he's just turning us straight into a bloody great CB"
Me: (after short pause) ' Er, Request maintain present heading to avoid buildup XYZ 123'

ATC: 'XYZ 123 climb FL 370 be level in 5 minutes'
Captain: (via intercom) ' Tell that pillock I'm not flying a f*****g Learjet'
Me: 'Erm, unable, Request maintain FL330 XYZ 123'

They never trained me for that in Flight School! :}

Level 400

[Sir Herbert Gussett]

... was he a Scot? :E

[Frunobulax]

Trainee's 3rd unsuccessful attempt to make a single engine Squawk Ident using proper phraseology.
OJTI takes the mic and says:
"Can you press the ident button on your transponder please?"

Immediate SPI :)

[woocash]

- ABC123 descend FL355, traffic at 3 o'clock, niner miles, climbing through your level.
- Descending FL355 ABC123

...

- ABC123 climb FL360, sorry for that!
- Climbing FL360, no problem sir, always appreciating the separation :)

[TOUCH-AND-GO]

ML TWR-Virgin 321 report runway in sight.

Virgin 321-Have the runway in sight.

Qantas 01-ML TWR we just saw some foxes cross Taxiway Echo and rwy 27.

ML TWR-Copy Qantas 01, Virgin 321 cleared to land runway 27 caution foxes reported near Intersection between taxiway echo and rwy 27

Virgin 321-Cleared to land runway 27, has someone called animal control?

Foxy ladies!! :E

[iamthetroll]

A late evening exchange between my counterpart, Aberdeen tower, and a KLM Fokker.

ABZ TWR: "Heli 12A You're number two to a Fokker final for runway 34"
Hel12A: "Is he a big Fokker or a little Fokker?"
ABZ TWR: "How long have you wanted to say that? A Fokker 100. If that helps"
KLM: "Well we could be a big one far away, or a small one close up..."

:}

[mad_jock]

Coming into ABZ goes from CAVOK to 200m in the space of 2 mins as usual not on the TAF'

The youngish sounding Radar controller reads the METAR out and tells us to take up the hold and asks us what our intentions are.

I ask if they they think its a temp drop or thats it for the day.

The reply went along the lines of "We cannot give unoffical wx forcasts and my instructor is scowling at me wagging his finger. But there is an auld sandle wearing controller sitting in the radar room with his thumb down if that helps"

"request divert Edinburgh direct through Class G"

Was just going to tower when all the jets started turning up who had hung about waiting for the met office to update the TAF to extreme ****e for the rest of the afternoon.

Didn't seem to limit the lads career though as I heard him many times since.

[Amiri01]

At JFK, aircraft XXX was approaching the end of a long queue at the holding point;

XXX - Ground, do you have any further instructions for us?

There was a short pause.

Grd - Yes, maintain radio silence until we call you back.

I swear that I could literally see all the aircraft on Ground frequency bouncing up and down from the laughter at the front ends...

[Whiskey Kilo Wanderer]

While trundling westwards today, monitoring Solent Approach, I heard this bit of navigational confusion:


ATC: “… Report abeam Portsmouth.”
AC: “ Report abeam Portsmouth.”
.
.
AC: “Say again reporting point?”
ATC: “Portsmouth”
AC: “Say again?”
ATC:” P O R T S M O U T H”
AC: “Roger”


AC: “Er, is that a VRP?”
ATC: “No, it’s a large naval town on the South Coast”.
AC:”… Er, Oh, it’s under my left wing…”

We all get days like that!

[cjlar]

In the VFR mode we all have funnies.

EIXX" report abeam ATHY "

EIXXX "Say Again"

EIXX "Report abeam ATHY"

EIXXX"Say Again"

EIXX "Muffled, then "Report ABREAST of ATHY"

EIXXX "Roger, Report abreast of Athy"

EIXX "AAAAH"

[Inlovewithflying]

It happens to me once that they were saying my call sign wrong as joke.

Fys = American Flyers (gestair academy)

FYS116;Holding short rwy 10, ready for Departure and request backtrack
ATC; American ****ers 116, line up and wait rwy 10, backtrack approved

[vulcanised]

'We'd like to make a full stop landing or a touch & go'

'Does that depend on how good the landing is?'

'No, depends on how bad it is'

[Lon More]

Vulcanised thanks for that, reminded me of some of my own attempts.
Alledgedly (sp?) a controller at Amsterdam once told the late Prince Bernhard, "Landing time 38.... 39.... 40 and 41" Complaints were made and a no coffee, no biscuits one-sided discussion followed. (Had a few of them in the past.)

[Artie Fufkin]

Scottish: Callsign, direct OKTEM REXAM

Me: Direct OKTEM RECTUM

Upon realising my slip of the toungue, both pilots were incapacitated with laughter. ATCO didn't transmit for a long while after either.

[flying apple]

on a flight from the south of Spain to Sweden or Finland and back we got a slot on our return leg

me (about 2 minutes before the CTOT): ***** ready for departure.
controller: ***** hold position, if I release you know someone in Brussels* is going to kill me slowly.

*: Eurocontrols flow management based in Brussels

[Burnie5204]

Two DHL aircraft on approach one behind the other. One makes it to vacate at the midpoint, the second doesnt and takes the next one. On vacating ATC instruct him to "Eurotrans 123, follow the company 7-5 left to right, parking stand 104 by juliet"

Pilot responds "roger, 104 following the banana"


Neither me nor the ground controller could talk straight for a good minute or so we were laughing so hard.

Or there's the one heard from Humberside

IA123 - "Indian Air 123, crossing humber bridge"
Cntlr - "That'll be £2.50 then please..."

[JoostRoozen]

While working as a coordinating controller with not too much to do an American Pilot calls in:

A/C: 'Hello Maastricht, this is N1234 calling in *stumbling/crackling noise*
ATC: 'Hello N1234, could you confirm your flight level'
No reply
ATC: 'Hello N1234, could you confirn your flight level'
No reply
ATC: 'Hello N1234, radiocheck and could you confirn your flight level'
*stumbling noise*
A/C: 'Hello again Maastricht, N1234 read you 5 out of 5 and finally found my microphone again, it's hard to reach out under the chair. Maintaining level 370 inbound SPI by the way'

[hvogt]

I'm surprised this one hasn't been posted before.

ATC: Light Type 1, report your conditions.
Light Type 1: VMC, between two layers.
ATC: Light Type 2, report your conditions.
Light Type 2: VMC, between two layers.
ATC: Speedbird 123, report your conditions.
Speedbird 123: IMC, between two liars.

[HardCB]

ATC: " UN 2 0 4 Say Deestanse
AC: " Deeeeestanse UN204 " ( much giggling heard all over Angola )

ATC: " Un 204 Say Rrraaydial "
AC: " Rraaydial....UN204 "

ATC: ( rather faster now ) " UN204 Say flight level "
AC: Flight level Un204

ATC: "UN204 Say flight plan canceled "
AC" um um um 85 miles,182 radial FL220

ATC: UN 204 please join with me in tower upon arrival...bring presents !:D

[Flyting]

EXCELLENT.......:}