Heli, non-heli (and even non-aviation) humour ...
Helicopter Humour and Jokes
Heaven or Hell
There once was a helicopter pilot who lived his whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people he worked for. In fact, he made sure that every job he did resulted in a win-win situation for somone. One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus and he died.
His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a helicopter pilot make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the master of all things with a rotorhead.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" said the pilot in fine smart-ass tradition. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put our hero in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and our aviator friend found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - guys, that he had worked with and they were all dressed in party suits, and blue jeans, wearing cowboy hats, and looking like a very non-standard, but happy group, and cheering for him. They ran up and shook his hand, and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. Our wizzard of rotorwinged flight met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy, and not at all like a Management Type. He had a great time drinking, telling jokes, drinking, and telling war stories, drinking, and dancing. Oh, and there was some drinking.
Our aviator was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good-bye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So our faithful pilot spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got him. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity. "The master of all that has rotorblades paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the pilot went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around him. "I don't understand," stammered the (seldom) confused helicopter pilot , "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster And we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at him and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
There once was a helicopter pilot who lived his whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people he worked for. In fact, he made sure that every job he did resulted in a win-win situation for somone. One day while walking down the street he was tragically hit by a bus and he died.
His soul arrived up in heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a helicopter pilot make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the master of all things with a rotorhead.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" said the pilot in fine smart-ass tradition. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put our hero in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and our aviator friend found himself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of him were all his friends - guys, that he had worked with and they were all dressed in party suits, and blue jeans, wearing cowboy hats, and looking like a very non-standard, but happy group, and cheering for him. They ran up and shook his hand, and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where he enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. Our wizzard of rotorwinged flight met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy, and not at all like a Management Type. He had a great time drinking, telling jokes, drinking, and telling war stories, drinking, and dancing. Oh, and there was some drinking.
Our aviator was having such a good time that before he knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook his hand and waved good-bye as he got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for him. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So our faithful pilot spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. He had a great time and before he knew it his 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got him. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity. "The master of all that has rotorblades paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and again the pilot went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened he found himself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. He saw his friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around him. "I don't understand," stammered the (seldom) confused helicopter pilot , "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster And we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at him and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
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SASless
yep, try this
From a reliable Irish source
Fuel supply interrupter instal procedures.
Yeah, paddy has too many drop kicks yer see,
so the doc says to paddy;
Put a double bunger in a beer can, light it,
an hold it close to yer-ear,
an count to ten!
Oi! How can that help cut off me fuel supply?
It will paddy, it will!
Paddy gets to foive, an does a random VFR approach
to a-point-in-space between the undercarriage legs,
an counts the let down on the remaining foive digits!
My coey says the same procedure is fail-safe in enzed
From a reliable Irish source
Fuel supply interrupter instal procedures.
Yeah, paddy has too many drop kicks yer see,
so the doc says to paddy;
Put a double bunger in a beer can, light it,
an hold it close to yer-ear,
an count to ten!
Oi! How can that help cut off me fuel supply?
It will paddy, it will!
Paddy gets to foive, an does a random VFR approach
to a-point-in-space between the undercarriage legs,
an counts the let down on the remaining foive digits!
My coey says the same procedure is fail-safe in enzed
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Another one - true and only in OZ
Found on the ABC news this am and is deserved on this thread,
Esp. the bit about the bolts.
we will look for follow up later.
Last Update: Wednesday, March 22, 2006. 7:30am (AEDT)
Scientists gear up for new scramjet tests
An international team of scientists has returned to Woomera in South Australia's north to carry out more tests on a supersonic engine.
Final preparations are underway for the test launch of the Hyshot-3 scramjet engine on Friday.
The test launch of the scramjet engine at the Woomera range is the first of two scheduled for this month.
The latest attempt is the third since 2001, and since the last attempt in 2002, scientists have improved the engine's design.
The team leader and University of Queensland professor, Allan Paull, is confident there will not be a repeat of the rocket crashing five years ago.
He says there is always an element of risk.
"If it does go wrong, we've done all the safety planning to ensure that the environment as well as the people are safe basically," he said.
"[We'll] screw all the bolts in and lock them in with a special glue, polish it up, and put the stickers on and away we go."
Scientists are attaching the engine to a rocket that will travel about eight times the speed of sound.
Professor Paull says the technology could lead to quicker and cheaper satellite launches and eventually the ability to fly from Sydney to London in two hours.
"This research goes towards the development of high-speed air-breathing engines, which can be used for high-speed transport in any form you like to name, which when we talk about high-speed, we're talking about mach 8 and above, and ultimately we hope to be able to use it to launch satellites in the low-Earth orbit," he said.
Esp. the bit about the bolts.
we will look for follow up later.
Last Update: Wednesday, March 22, 2006. 7:30am (AEDT)
Scientists gear up for new scramjet tests
An international team of scientists has returned to Woomera in South Australia's north to carry out more tests on a supersonic engine.
Final preparations are underway for the test launch of the Hyshot-3 scramjet engine on Friday.
The test launch of the scramjet engine at the Woomera range is the first of two scheduled for this month.
The latest attempt is the third since 2001, and since the last attempt in 2002, scientists have improved the engine's design.
The team leader and University of Queensland professor, Allan Paull, is confident there will not be a repeat of the rocket crashing five years ago.
He says there is always an element of risk.
"If it does go wrong, we've done all the safety planning to ensure that the environment as well as the people are safe basically," he said.
"[We'll] screw all the bolts in and lock them in with a special glue, polish it up, and put the stickers on and away we go."
Scientists are attaching the engine to a rocket that will travel about eight times the speed of sound.
Professor Paull says the technology could lead to quicker and cheaper satellite launches and eventually the ability to fly from Sydney to London in two hours.
"This research goes towards the development of high-speed air-breathing engines, which can be used for high-speed transport in any form you like to name, which when we talk about high-speed, we're talking about mach 8 and above, and ultimately we hope to be able to use it to launch satellites in the low-Earth orbit," he said.
Stolen from another helicopter website with Thong photos
The following scene took place on a BA flight between
Johannesburg and London.
This is a true story.
A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a Hispanic man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.
"Madam, what is the matter," the Hostess asked.
"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded.
"You placed me next to a Hispanic man.
I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group.
Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please, " the Hostess replied.
"Almost all the places on this flight are taken.
I will go to see if another seat is available."
The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats
in the Economy class.
I spoke to the Captain and he informed me that there is
also no seats in the Business class.
But, "we still have one seat in the First class."
Before the woman could say anything, the Hostess continued:
"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from
the Economy class to sit in the First class.
However, given the circumstances,
the Captain feels that it would be scandalous to make
someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
She turned to the Hispanic guy, and said,
"Therefore, Sir,
if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage,
a seat awaits you in First class."
At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by
what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.
Johannesburg and London.
This is a true story.
A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a Hispanic man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.
"Madam, what is the matter," the Hostess asked.
"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded.
"You placed me next to a Hispanic man.
I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group.
Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please, " the Hostess replied.
"Almost all the places on this flight are taken.
I will go to see if another seat is available."
The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats
in the Economy class.
I spoke to the Captain and he informed me that there is
also no seats in the Business class.
But, "we still have one seat in the First class."
Before the woman could say anything, the Hostess continued:
"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from
the Economy class to sit in the First class.
However, given the circumstances,
the Captain feels that it would be scandalous to make
someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
She turned to the Hispanic guy, and said,
"Therefore, Sir,
if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage,
a seat awaits you in First class."
At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by
what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.
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How about these ones....
http://www.dailyfunny****.com/articl...51010124511404
http://www.dailyfunny****.com/articl...60222122006162
http://www.dailyfunny****.com/articl...60317123339815
http://www.dailyfunny****.com/articl...60222122006162
http://www.dailyfunny****.com/articl...60317123339815
Last edited by ZK-Pilot; 22nd Mar 2006 at 03:22.
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ZK,
Those videos are great!
If any of you have seen Larry the cable guy off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour you know he is sooo funny, when you can understand him!!!!
Those videos are great!
If any of you have seen Larry the cable guy off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour you know he is sooo funny, when you can understand him!!!!
Guest
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ho ho
A man goes into a pet shop and starts looking at the monkeys. The first one he comes to is $20, but the next one along is $50. So he says to the store owner "how come this monkey is so expensive?"
The store owner says "well that monkey is a very clever monkey, it is a LAME and can tear down engines, balance blades etc".
The man is very impressed and keeps walking down the line of monkeys until he comes to a monkey with a $100 price tag. "Wow" says the man, this one is really expensive. "ah yes" says the store owner, "that one is a check in counter monkey, a very clever monkey that can meet and greet passengers and even complete load sheets".
Now the man is deeply impressed until he comes to the last cage with a fat, grumpy looking monkey with a $1000 price tag. "A thousand dollars for a chimp? what the hell can he do" the man enquires.
"nobody knows" says the store owner, "he just sits on his arse drinking beer all day and playing with himself... but his papers say that he is a helicopter pilot....."
Rotorbiggles
The store owner says "well that monkey is a very clever monkey, it is a LAME and can tear down engines, balance blades etc".
The man is very impressed and keeps walking down the line of monkeys until he comes to a monkey with a $100 price tag. "Wow" says the man, this one is really expensive. "ah yes" says the store owner, "that one is a check in counter monkey, a very clever monkey that can meet and greet passengers and even complete load sheets".
Now the man is deeply impressed until he comes to the last cage with a fat, grumpy looking monkey with a $1000 price tag. "A thousand dollars for a chimp? what the hell can he do" the man enquires.
"nobody knows" says the store owner, "he just sits on his arse drinking beer all day and playing with himself... but his papers say that he is a helicopter pilot....."
Rotorbiggles
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Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
The joke is --it flew.
ABC news
Last Update: Saturday, March 25, 2006. 5:10pm (AEDT)
Scramjet ... UQ team leading international efforts. (File photo) (Reuters TV)
Scramjet team 'happy' after Woomera flight
A supersonic jet engine known as a scramjet, which could dramatically reduce the time of air travel around the world, has been tested in South Australia's far north.
Seconds after the jet set off, there was a supersonic boom across the Woomera test range.
It travelled more than 300 kilometres into the air before crashing ten minutes later, 400 kilometres down the range.
The University of Queensland is heading an international team testing the scramjet technology, which travels up to 8,000 kilometres an hour - almost eight times the speed of sound.
Team leader Allan Paul says the flight went well but it will take several months to analyse the data they have collected.
He says the team is happy with the result so far.
"I haven't seen them on such a high for a long time," he said.
"It's been a hard couple of weeks, in fact it's been hard since Christmas, and the team has really responded well."
He says the launch went according to plan but there were a few tense moments.
"You're looking at it as it goes up, and you're worried if it's going to make it," he said.
"It's probably a very unnerving feeling actually."
Dr Paul says they should have some preliminary results by tomorrow.
Print Email
Related Video
An international project team has held a successful trial of a supersonic jet in the South Australian outback.
[Real Broadband] [Real Dialup] [Win Broadband] [Win Dialup]
ABC Top Stories
Cyclone relief teams' disaster powers extended
Australia seal controversial relay double
Minister claims Indonesian military tortured student
Gulf 'ghost ship' search fails to unlock mystery
We'll fight them in the shopping centres, say unions
Scramjet team 'happy' after Woomera flight
Tortoise dies aged 250
ABC news
Last Update: Saturday, March 25, 2006. 5:10pm (AEDT)
Scramjet ... UQ team leading international efforts. (File photo) (Reuters TV)
Scramjet team 'happy' after Woomera flight
A supersonic jet engine known as a scramjet, which could dramatically reduce the time of air travel around the world, has been tested in South Australia's far north.
Seconds after the jet set off, there was a supersonic boom across the Woomera test range.
It travelled more than 300 kilometres into the air before crashing ten minutes later, 400 kilometres down the range.
The University of Queensland is heading an international team testing the scramjet technology, which travels up to 8,000 kilometres an hour - almost eight times the speed of sound.
Team leader Allan Paul says the flight went well but it will take several months to analyse the data they have collected.
He says the team is happy with the result so far.
"I haven't seen them on such a high for a long time," he said.
"It's been a hard couple of weeks, in fact it's been hard since Christmas, and the team has really responded well."
He says the launch went according to plan but there were a few tense moments.
"You're looking at it as it goes up, and you're worried if it's going to make it," he said.
"It's probably a very unnerving feeling actually."
Dr Paul says they should have some preliminary results by tomorrow.
Print Email
Related Video
An international project team has held a successful trial of a supersonic jet in the South Australian outback.
[Real Broadband] [Real Dialup] [Win Broadband] [Win Dialup]
ABC Top Stories
Cyclone relief teams' disaster powers extended
Australia seal controversial relay double
Minister claims Indonesian military tortured student
Gulf 'ghost ship' search fails to unlock mystery
We'll fight them in the shopping centres, say unions
Scramjet team 'happy' after Woomera flight
Tortoise dies aged 250
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New Boss for Channel Nine
channel nine drivers may be looking for a new boss according to this one that turned up yesterday.
OZ expats will enjoy this one. It details the ‘meteoric’ promotion of one Eddie McGuire in the channel nine metwork.
A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and
thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even
moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of
cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"
The constable replies, "Its Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed
about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla & Joseph to
Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel 9
losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who
wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's
stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening
to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.
He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay For
the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house
in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market.
We're taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you got so far?"
"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
OZ expats will enjoy this one. It details the ‘meteoric’ promotion of one Eddie McGuire in the channel nine metwork.
A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and
thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even
moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of
cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"
The constable replies, "Its Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed
about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla & Joseph to
Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel 9
losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who
wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's
stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening
to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.
He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay For
the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house
in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market.
We're taking up a collection for him."
"Oh really? How much have you got so far?"
"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
The Koala and the little Lizard
Ok non aviation but still good.
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, he looks up and says "Hey you!"
the koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, he looks up and says "Hey you!"
the koala looks down at him and says:
"Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Talking Clock
And another
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends
late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the
guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk
replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends
late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the
guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk
replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
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The rabbit and the grissly bear
A cute little rabbit and a grissly were out in the woods taking a dump.
Just when they were finishing the grissly ask the rabbit "hey Bugs, does the sh** stick to your fur?"
"No" answers the rabbit.
"Thats just great!" says the grissly, grabs the rabbit by the throat and wipes his a** clean with!
Just when they were finishing the grissly ask the rabbit "hey Bugs, does the sh** stick to your fur?"
"No" answers the rabbit.
"Thats just great!" says the grissly, grabs the rabbit by the throat and wipes his a** clean with!
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Bush is in free-fall.
If he gets stuck just pick him up with your mouse, and drag him where you like...strangely satisfying!!!
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
If he gets stuck just pick him up with your mouse, and drag him where you like...strangely satisfying!!!
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
Military Intelligence
MILITARY INTELLIGENCE
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
_____________________________________
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3"
-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
_____________________________________
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
_____________________________________
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
_____________________________________
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to
always hit the ground."
-USAF Ammo Troop
_____________________________________
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
_____________________________________
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons."
-General Macarthur
_____________________________________
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________
"You, you, and you... Panic! The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
_____________________________________
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
_____________________________________
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do
anything."
-U.S. Navy Swabbie
_____________________________________
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
_____________________________________
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
_____________________________________
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
-Anonymous
_____________________________________
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit
_____________________________________
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
_____________________________________
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-USAF Ammo Troop
_____________________________________
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
-At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
_____________________________________
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
_____________________________________
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in
the sky."
-From an old carrier sailor
_____________________________________
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter... and therefore, unsafe."
_____________________________________
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash."
_____________________________________
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
_____________________________________
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot
screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up... the pilot dies."
_____________________________________
"Never trade luck for skill."
_____________________________________
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
_____________________________________
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete
the flight."
_____________________________________
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
prevarication."
_____________________________________
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
_____________________________________
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose
of storing dead batteries."
_____________________________________
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on
the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
_____________________________________
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
_____________________________________
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a
sunny day."
_____________________________________
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable,
endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and
gently as possible."
_____________________________________
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum."
-Jon McBride, astronaut
_____________________________________
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
possible."
-Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
_____________________________________
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
_____________________________________
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
_____________________________________
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
_____________________________________
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the
edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there."
_____________________________________
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
taxi to the terminal."
_____________________________________
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the
wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a
bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
-Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
_____________________________________
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3"
-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
_____________________________________
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
_____________________________________
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
_____________________________________
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to
always hit the ground."
-USAF Ammo Troop
_____________________________________
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
_____________________________________
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
automatic weapons."
-General Macarthur
_____________________________________
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________
"You, you, and you... Panic! The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
_____________________________________
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
_____________________________________
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do
anything."
-U.S. Navy Swabbie
_____________________________________
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
_____________________________________
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal
_____________________________________
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
_____________________________________
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
-Anonymous
_____________________________________
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit
_____________________________________
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
_____________________________________
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-USAF Ammo Troop
_____________________________________
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
-At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
_____________________________________
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
_____________________________________
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in
the sky."
-From an old carrier sailor
_____________________________________
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter... and therefore, unsafe."
_____________________________________
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash."
_____________________________________
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
_____________________________________
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot
screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up... the pilot dies."
_____________________________________
"Never trade luck for skill."
_____________________________________
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
_____________________________________
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete
the flight."
_____________________________________
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
prevarication."
_____________________________________
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
_____________________________________
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose
of storing dead batteries."
_____________________________________
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on
the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
_____________________________________
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
_____________________________________
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a
sunny day."
_____________________________________
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable,
endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and
gently as possible."
_____________________________________
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum."
-Jon McBride, astronaut
_____________________________________
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
possible."
-Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
_____________________________________
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
_____________________________________
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
_____________________________________
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
_____________________________________
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the
edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there."
_____________________________________
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
taxi to the terminal."
_____________________________________
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the
wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a
bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
-Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
