Introduction, Funny flight crews
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Man-in-Black,
Ah, yes, Pan-Am - those were the days! I still have my "Clipper Club" tags on my baggage (although the baggage itself has been replaced several times since then!) as it makes my bags easy to spot on the baggage belt
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What Goes Around . . . . .
. . often makes a better landing
Ah, yes, Pan-Am - those were the days! I still have my "Clipper Club" tags on my baggage (although the baggage itself has been replaced several times since then!) as it makes my bags easy to spot on the baggage belt
------------------
What Goes Around . . . . .
. . often makes a better landing
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off the topic a bit on airline humour, but here's what a couple of champions did at Heathrow airport.. classic!
http://www.ernieshouseofwhoopass.com...ds/airport.doc
http://www.ernieshouseofwhoopass.com...ds/airport.doc
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On a Monarch flight to the Balerics the lady next to me asked the number 1 "excuse me can you tell me where can I smoke?
"Yes madam PALMA"
Flew from LHR - JNB and as we landed the anouncement was "Ladies & Gentlemen welcome to Cape Town....Oh dear one of us is on the wrong flight?"
Both made me chuckle!
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-------------------------
You fly em we'll fill em!
"Yes madam PALMA"
Flew from LHR - JNB and as we landed the anouncement was "Ladies & Gentlemen welcome to Cape Town....Oh dear one of us is on the wrong flight?"
Both made me chuckle!
------------------
-------------------------
You fly em we'll fill em!
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Just a few more doing the rounds ......
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
>> in-flight
>> "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
>> entertaining.
>> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
>>
>> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
>>crew,
>> the
>> pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
>>altitude
>>and
>> will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
>>comfort and
>> to
>> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
>>your
>> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make
>>sure it's
>> something we'd like to have."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
>>4 ways
>> out
>> off this airplane."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
>>enjoyed
>> giving
>> us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
>>National,
>>a
>> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>>Memphis,
>>a
>> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take
>>care
>> when
>> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
>>like
>>that,
>> sure
>> as hell everything has shifted."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
>>Flight
>> XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
>>into the
>> buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
>>belt;
>>and,
>> if
>>
>> you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
>>out in
>> public
>> unsupervised."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
>>descend
>> from
>> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
>>your
>> face.
>> If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
>>before
>> assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
>>small
>> child, pick your favorite.
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
>>clouds,
>>but
>> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
>> remember,
>> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
>>Airlines."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
>>event of
>>an
>> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
>>with
>>our
>> compliments."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
>>the
>> overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and
>>nose
>> before
>> assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
>>belongings.
>> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
>>flight
>> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
>>is
>> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
>>industry.
>> Unfortunately,none of them are on this flight!"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
>>Salt
>> Lake
>> City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
>>"That was
>> quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
>>tell
>>you
>> it
>> wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
>>wasn't
>>the
>> flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
>>on a
>> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach,
>>the
>> Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
>>hard
>> landing,
>> the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
>>Amarillo.
>> Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
>>while the
>> Captain
>> taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
>>landing:
>> "We
>> ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
>>to
>>the
>> terminal."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>>hammered
>> his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
>>which
>> required the first officer to stand at the door while the
>>Passengers
>> exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
>>airline." He
>> said
>> that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
>>the
>> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
>>smart
>> comment.
>>
>> Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
>>walking
>> with
>> a
>> cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
>>Ma'am,"
>> said
>> the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
>>land or
>> were
>> we
>> shot down?"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
>>Attendant
>> came
>> on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
>>until
>> Capt.
>> Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
>>halt
>> against
>>
>> the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
>>bells
>> are
>> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
>>through the
>> wreckage to the terminal."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
>>to
>>thank
>> you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
>>the
>> insane
>> urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
>>tube,
>>we
>> hope
>> you'll think of US Airways."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
>>a
>> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
>>announcement over
>> the
>> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
>>speaking.
>> Welcome
>> to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
>>The
>> weather
>> ahead is good, so sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence
>>followed
>> and
>> after a few
>> minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
>>"Ladies and
>> Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I
>>was
>> talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
>>spilled
>> the
>> hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
>> passenger
>> in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
>>mine!"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
>> in-flight
>> "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
>> entertaining.
>> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
>>
>> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
>>crew,
>> the
>> pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
>>altitude
>>and
>> will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
>>comfort and
>> to
>> enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all
>>your
>> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make
>>sure it's
>> something we'd like to have."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
>>4 ways
>> out
>> off this airplane."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
>>enjoyed
>> giving
>> us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
>>National,
>>a
>> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>>Memphis,
>>a
>> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take
>>care
>> when
>> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
>>like
>>that,
>> sure
>> as hell everything has shifted."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
>>Flight
>> XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
>>into the
>> buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
>>belt;
>>and,
>> if
>>
>> you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
>>out in
>> public
>> unsupervised."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
>>descend
>> from
>> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
>>your
>> face.
>> If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
>>before
>> assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
>>small
>> child, pick your favorite.
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
>>clouds,
>>but
>> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
>> remember,
>> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
>>Airlines."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
>>event of
>>an
>> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
>>with
>>our
>> compliments."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
>>the
>> overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and
>>nose
>> before
>> assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
>>belongings.
>> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
>>flight
>> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
>>is
>> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
>>industry.
>> Unfortunately,none of them are on this flight!"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
>>Salt
>> Lake
>> City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
>>"That was
>> quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
>>tell
>>you
>> it
>> wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
>>wasn't
>>the
>> flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
>>on a
>> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach,
>>the
>> Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
>>hard
>> landing,
>> the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
>>Amarillo.
>> Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
>>while the
>> Captain
>> taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
>>landing:
>> "We
>> ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
>>to
>>the
>> terminal."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>>hammered
>> his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
>>which
>> required the first officer to stand at the door while the
>>Passengers
>> exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
>>airline." He
>> said
>> that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
>>the
>> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
>>smart
>> comment.
>>
>> Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
>>walking
>> with
>> a
>> cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
>>Ma'am,"
>> said
>> the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
>>land or
>> were
>> we
>> shot down?"
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
>>Attendant
>> came
>> on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
>>until
>> Capt.
>> Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
>>halt
>> against
>>
>> the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
>>bells
>> are
>> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
>>through the
>> wreckage to the terminal."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
>>to
>>thank
>> you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
>>the
>> insane
>> urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
>>tube,
>>we
>> hope
>> you'll think of US Airways."
>> ___________________________________________________________
>> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
>>a
>> comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
>>announcement over
>> the
>> intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
>>speaking.
>> Welcome
>> to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
>>The
>> weather
>> ahead is good, so sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence
>>followed
>> and
>> after a few
>> minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
>>"Ladies and
>> Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I
>>was
>> talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
>>spilled
>> the
>> hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
>> passenger
>> in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
>>mine!"
Guest
Posts: n/a
A good number of years ago, we were on JNB to GRJ (George is the name of a small regional field in the Cape Province) on a SAA 737-200 and it transpired that there was a new member of CC on that day.
I am sure that this trick has been played many a time on some young lady's first day of making the demo announcement...
She was working her way carefully through the card, "... place the mask over your nose and mouth and breath normally."
At this point, someone on the flight deck who had obviously been waiting with finger poised over the PA button, pressed his override and made heavy passionate breathing sounds!
The poor girl! She managed to stagger on to the end.
.......
A few weeks ago I was on EZY running from LTN to EDI. The CC often do five sectors in a day and must not know if they are coming or going.
As we let down into EDI, "Ladies & Gentlemen, as we have started our descent into ... <pause> ... <pause>"
There was a general chorus of "EDINBURGH" from the pax!!
------------------
A window seat on the sunny side of the aircraft, please!
I am sure that this trick has been played many a time on some young lady's first day of making the demo announcement...
She was working her way carefully through the card, "... place the mask over your nose and mouth and breath normally."
At this point, someone on the flight deck who had obviously been waiting with finger poised over the PA button, pressed his override and made heavy passionate breathing sounds!
The poor girl! She managed to stagger on to the end.
.......
A few weeks ago I was on EZY running from LTN to EDI. The CC often do five sectors in a day and must not know if they are coming or going.
As we let down into EDI, "Ladies & Gentlemen, as we have started our descent into ... <pause> ... <pause>"
There was a general chorus of "EDINBURGH" from the pax!!
------------------
A window seat on the sunny side of the aircraft, please!
Guest
Posts: n/a
When the cabin forget, as they do, that there are two guys up front gasping for a drink, the P.A.;
"More tea?" said the Mad Hatter.
"I can't possibly have MORE tea", said Alice. "I haven't had ANY tea yet".
usually gets the senior cabin member up pretty quickly.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if the passengers on the left look to the left they will see Paris. If the passengers on the right look to their left they will see the backs of the heads of the passengers on the left"
"More tea?" said the Mad Hatter.
"I can't possibly have MORE tea", said Alice. "I haven't had ANY tea yet".
usually gets the senior cabin member up pretty quickly.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if the passengers on the left look to the left they will see Paris. If the passengers on the right look to their left they will see the backs of the heads of the passengers on the left"
Guest
Posts: n/a
On approach into Edinburgh 3-4 years ago: Pilot "For those seated on the left, the weather is cold; for those on the right hand-side of the aircraft it is mind-bogglingly cold!"
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Taking-off from Frankfurt around the same period - I'm sitting on the aisle seat of the last row of the front cabin of a 757. F/A comes out with drinks trolley, puts the brake on, releases the handle. The aircraft is still climbing steeply, so the trolley falls on top of me; I get covered in orange-juice/water/Champagne etc... Later in the flight, after apologising a few hundred times, the F/A starts the drinks service once more (with the aircraft level this time. When it's my turn I ask for G+T - "no ice, thanks, I got some in my pocket" (and I really did!).
aisleman
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Taking-off from Frankfurt around the same period - I'm sitting on the aisle seat of the last row of the front cabin of a 757. F/A comes out with drinks trolley, puts the brake on, releases the handle. The aircraft is still climbing steeply, so the trolley falls on top of me; I get covered in orange-juice/water/Champagne etc... Later in the flight, after apologising a few hundred times, the F/A starts the drinks service once more (with the aircraft level this time. When it's my turn I ask for G+T - "no ice, thanks, I got some in my pocket" (and I really did!).
aisleman
Guest
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I was lucky enough to be allowed to ride the whole flight from take-off to landing on the jump seat of a Ryanair 732 recently.
It happened to be one of the hosties birthday. Half way through the flight, at the end of the usual update PA, the Captain added, "and I'd also like to wish Sarah in the cabin a very happy birthday after her 35 very youthful looking years.
With that the flight deck door nearly came off its hinges being pulled open so quick, and a very mean looking face was thrust through. It was her 25th birthday!
It happened to be one of the hosties birthday. Half way through the flight, at the end of the usual update PA, the Captain added, "and I'd also like to wish Sarah in the cabin a very happy birthday after her 35 very youthful looking years.
With that the flight deck door nearly came off its hinges being pulled open so quick, and a very mean looking face was thrust through. It was her 25th birthday!
Guest
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Slightly of topic, but an an announcement that could have come from LHR
Flight xxx to Glasgow departs at 10.30 ...etc etc, followed by
and the flight xxx to Dublin will depart when the little hand is pointing straight up and the big hand straight down
[This message has been edited by stickyb (edited 05 June 2001).]
Flight xxx to Glasgow departs at 10.30 ...etc etc, followed by
and the flight xxx to Dublin will depart when the little hand is pointing straight up and the big hand straight down
[This message has been edited by stickyb (edited 05 June 2001).]
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Whilst coming into 25R at LGB at night, a commercial flight was coming into 30.
Tower : "XYZ I can see your strobe lights but your NAV lights do not appear to be working"
Captain : "Hang on I will check"
<Pause>
Captain : "Hows that?"
Tower : "Yep, thats fine"
Captain : "Thanks tower, it appears the First Officer doesn't have a clue what he is doing"
Tower : "OUCH!!"
------------------
Live fast..dies young...leave a good looking corpse!
Tower : "XYZ I can see your strobe lights but your NAV lights do not appear to be working"
Captain : "Hang on I will check"
<Pause>
Captain : "Hows that?"
Tower : "Yep, thats fine"
Captain : "Thanks tower, it appears the First Officer doesn't have a clue what he is doing"
Tower : "OUCH!!"
------------------
Live fast..dies young...leave a good looking corpse!
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I remember flying into Sai Gon this time last year to the day. There were heavy thunderstorms on the approach with no way around them. The airport itself was 3000 metres visibility in moderate rain.
In buckets of turbulence we got struck by lightning at the left wing root and it made a hell of a bang. Fortunately we were jam-packed with a bunch of humorus US tourists (no rather scared), so it was apreciated by all when after landing I grabbed the PA and said in my Oz drawl "Ladys and gentlemen the captain here. Yeh we DID have a lightning strike as we made our approach but no damage was done to the aircraft. This happens sometimes when God wants to subtley tell me to leave married women alone. Thank you."
In buckets of turbulence we got struck by lightning at the left wing root and it made a hell of a bang. Fortunately we were jam-packed with a bunch of humorus US tourists (no rather scared), so it was apreciated by all when after landing I grabbed the PA and said in my Oz drawl "Ladys and gentlemen the captain here. Yeh we DID have a lightning strike as we made our approach but no damage was done to the aircraft. This happens sometimes when God wants to subtley tell me to leave married women alone. Thank you."
