retarded question about NCOs
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What NCOs have noticed about Officers
· It's more important to look good than to be good.
· Non-matching furniture is a show-stopper. Untrained troops are not a show-stopper.
· A unit that has no money for new computers or spare parts will still manage to afford a big-screen TV for Powerpoint slide shows.
· A bad plan with good slides is better than a good plan with bad slides.
· When you achieve high rank, the difference between what you know and what you feel fades away.
· A year's hard work by the troops can be destroyed because of some minor incident that happened to the Colonel when he was a lieutenant.
· Officers sit around thinking a lot. In a vacuum. This is not a good thing.
· Officers think they're businessmen. They think the principles used in business, like "corporate vision" can work in the Army. This is because officers spend a lot of time trying to sell things, usually grand ideas and catchy names.
· Officers believe that a plan won't succeed unless it has a good name, like "Operation Intrinsic Action." NCOs would rather give it something simple, like "Operation Beat Their ******* Heads In 5," and get on with it.
· Officers really do believe that a soldier is happier when he's busy, even if he's not doing what's important. NCOs know that nothing is so useless as doing well something which should not be done at all.
· There are a lot of officers out there who would have been better as NCOs, and a lot of NCOs who would have been better as officers.
· NCOs NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES refer to other soldiers as "customers."
· Creating a twenty-minute slide show that makes the commander look good will get you the same medal as working your ass off for 12 months for the same commander.
· It's more important to look good than to be good.
· Non-matching furniture is a show-stopper. Untrained troops are not a show-stopper.
· A unit that has no money for new computers or spare parts will still manage to afford a big-screen TV for Powerpoint slide shows.
· A bad plan with good slides is better than a good plan with bad slides.
· When you achieve high rank, the difference between what you know and what you feel fades away.
· A year's hard work by the troops can be destroyed because of some minor incident that happened to the Colonel when he was a lieutenant.
· Officers sit around thinking a lot. In a vacuum. This is not a good thing.
· Officers think they're businessmen. They think the principles used in business, like "corporate vision" can work in the Army. This is because officers spend a lot of time trying to sell things, usually grand ideas and catchy names.
· Officers believe that a plan won't succeed unless it has a good name, like "Operation Intrinsic Action." NCOs would rather give it something simple, like "Operation Beat Their ******* Heads In 5," and get on with it.
· Officers really do believe that a soldier is happier when he's busy, even if he's not doing what's important. NCOs know that nothing is so useless as doing well something which should not be done at all.
· There are a lot of officers out there who would have been better as NCOs, and a lot of NCOs who would have been better as officers.
· NCOs NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES refer to other soldiers as "customers."
· Creating a twenty-minute slide show that makes the commander look good will get you the same medal as working your ass off for 12 months for the same commander.
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NCO: Graduate from the university of life.
Officer: Holder of some pointless obscure degree.
NCO: Charming, energetic, intelligent, quick-witted master of all he or she surveys.
Officer: Attempts to emulate NCO, usually failing to achieve the high standards.
NCO: Has invested wisely for the future.
Officer: Forced to work for Billy Smarts.
NCO: Well dressed individual.
Officer: Wears same uniform for 12 years regardless of physical changes (must be painful).
NCO: Proud owner of colostomy bag.
Officer: What's a colostomy bag?
NCO: Has a love interest wherever they travel.
Officer: Black belt in hand-2-gland combat.
NCO: Very clever chap.
Officer: Head emptier than hermits address book.
Nibbles please.
Regrads 2 all.
Officer: Holder of some pointless obscure degree.
NCO: Charming, energetic, intelligent, quick-witted master of all he or she surveys.
Officer: Attempts to emulate NCO, usually failing to achieve the high standards.
NCO: Has invested wisely for the future.
Officer: Forced to work for Billy Smarts.
NCO: Well dressed individual.
Officer: Wears same uniform for 12 years regardless of physical changes (must be painful).
NCO: Proud owner of colostomy bag.
Officer: What's a colostomy bag?
NCO: Has a love interest wherever they travel.
Officer: Black belt in hand-2-gland combat.
NCO: Very clever chap.
Officer: Head emptier than hermits address book.
Nibbles please.
Regrads 2 all.
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NCO to Officer, " Sir if I were to call you a tw@t, you could charge me is that correct"?.
Officer "Yes"
NCO "Sir if I just thought that you were a tw@t, then you couldn't really do much about it, could you ?".
Officer " No I suppose not".
NCO "In that case then sir, I think you are a tw@t"
Officer "Yes"
NCO "Sir if I just thought that you were a tw@t, then you couldn't really do much about it, could you ?".
Officer " No I suppose not".
NCO "In that case then sir, I think you are a tw@t"
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I was once told that you can always spot a NCA who has got a commission as they retain their low animal cunning.
Difference between Officer and SNCO
Officer in Thumrait- Sorry lads it’s a 3 can rule.
SNCO in Thumrait - Sorry lads its a 3 can rule and I could only get 2 bottles of gin, but there is a party in XXX tent later that we are invited to, just don’t tell the NOBs.
Officers love them or hate them they do make you laugh.
It’s not about ability its about who your parants are and were you went to school.
Difference between Officer and SNCO
Officer in Thumrait- Sorry lads it’s a 3 can rule.
SNCO in Thumrait - Sorry lads its a 3 can rule and I could only get 2 bottles of gin, but there is a party in XXX tent later that we are invited to, just don’t tell the NOBs.
Officers love them or hate them they do make you laugh.
It’s not about ability its about who your parants are and were you went to school.
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SS
I knew my money was safe.
Never been 'below decks' or frequented a corporals or sergeants mess, but I wouldn't dreamt of treating my guys in the manner you advocate.
Many or most of them were far better than I, I learnt alot from them and proud to have worked with them.
I think your post was tounge in cheek, so I'm sure you're not the complete arse you pretend you are; or are you
FEBA
I knew my money was safe.
Never been 'below decks' or frequented a corporals or sergeants mess, but I wouldn't dreamt of treating my guys in the manner you advocate.
Many or most of them were far better than I, I learnt alot from them and proud to have worked with them.
I think your post was tounge in cheek, so I'm sure you're not the complete arse you pretend you are; or are you
FEBA
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Dont have a drama in the AAC conerning occifers. NCO pilots are 75% of man power. We only allow our rodneys to fly for one tour if they are lucky, we then **** them off to be SO3 'post it note' procurement or powerpoint manager for some General at Shrivenor. Whos the boss?
So RAF occifers, you may have a degree in underwater soot juggling and own a small british sports car but you still insist on wearing white sport socks for every occasion, even in your 'British Rail Steward' mess kit. How very working class.
RAF Loadies, AAC is the only place where the edumacted occifer cliche is lobbed in the gutter. Your commisioned types make our Lcpls look like Oxford lecturers. As for our commisioned types, we dont allow them to even sign for a cab until they have done at least 1500hrs. Rarer than a panda with a hard on.
So, RAF officers, continue your drivvle with AAC NCO's, pilots, QHI's etc..... I dont think you have the balls! We may hate crabs, but SNCO's stick together, crab, pongo or matlow. Stick that in your MGF's catalitic converter!
So RAF occifers, you may have a degree in underwater soot juggling and own a small british sports car but you still insist on wearing white sport socks for every occasion, even in your 'British Rail Steward' mess kit. How very working class.
RAF Loadies, AAC is the only place where the edumacted occifer cliche is lobbed in the gutter. Your commisioned types make our Lcpls look like Oxford lecturers. As for our commisioned types, we dont allow them to even sign for a cab until they have done at least 1500hrs. Rarer than a panda with a hard on.
So, RAF officers, continue your drivvle with AAC NCO's, pilots, QHI's etc..... I dont think you have the balls! We may hate crabs, but SNCO's stick together, crab, pongo or matlow. Stick that in your MGF's catalitic converter!
SS - one has to be careful when using satire! There appear to be those frequenting this thread who have difficulty in establishing the difference between talk and banter.... They're the ones eating dung over there in the corner. With brown sauce.
Satire can he hazardous to health, as one of the greatest practical jokers of the last century found out. De vere Cole, the chap who managed to review the Royal Navy by pretending to be a visiting Middle East Big Cheese and who also had a VIP visit arranged for him and his chums as the 'Sultan of Zanzibar', once tried his wit on an uneducated Corsican fisherman. Who shot him in the foot.
Satire can he hazardous to health, as one of the greatest practical jokers of the last century found out. De vere Cole, the chap who managed to review the Royal Navy by pretending to be a visiting Middle East Big Cheese and who also had a VIP visit arranged for him and his chums as the 'Sultan of Zanzibar', once tried his wit on an uneducated Corsican fisherman. Who shot him in the foot.
Champagne anyone...?
Beags 
I'm off to Corsica then as it's wasted here...think I stand a better chance there.
It's a bit shallow down this end of the gene pool isn't it?
Suditas - you're not wrong
B O'A - MGF? Dear god man, I wouldn't use one of those as a skip let alone drive one
And finally, FEBA. I can't believe you wouldn't dream of treating "your guys" that way?!? Crucifixion's too good for 'em!!
Think I'll go back to tormenting the neighbour's cat. Far more rewarding.
Heads out of bottoms now children.
I'm off to Corsica then as it's wasted here...think I stand a better chance there. It's a bit shallow down this end of the gene pool isn't it?
Suditas - you're not wrong
B O'A - MGF? Dear god man, I wouldn't use one of those as a skip let alone drive one
And finally, FEBA. I can't believe you wouldn't dream of treating "your guys" that way?!? Crucifixion's too good for 'em!!
Think I'll go back to tormenting the neighbour's cat. Far more rewarding.
Heads out of bottoms now children.
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Walleye, i notice that no-one has actually given you an answer that will help you at Cranwell, albeit they are mostly funny. That must be really annoying. I was recently at Cranwell and was successful at selection, mostly thanks to my good looks, but aslo because i had been primed with the kind of responses that they are looking for and the kind of attitude that i should have through out. My advice is to do what i was told and you will be fine.
Thread Starter
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thanks lizardking old boy, great tips there - oasc should be a walk in the park after that. fortunately i went to public school, played lots of rugger, and can read both large and small newspapers. i even own deck shoes. i also possess a worldly sophistication and am devilishly handsome, with a natural tendency to delegate anything that comes my way. those comprehensive schoolers haven't a chance - i'm going to knock them straight back to whichever crime ravaged proletarian hellhole they came from.
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SS
You are a one, laugh. I thought all those class stories were from books like Biggles, It's good to see you give those rotters from the other ranks what for, show em who's boss eh.
I hope you don't mind but I've been through this thread and I reckon you are, in the words of my probation officer, an 'agent provocateur'
Poacher turned game keeper I now run a club for lads who have done a bit of time or porridge as they call it, and am trying to help them get back on the straight and narrow.
My nice man approach is being abused. Will you come along and give them the benefit of strict RAF discipline.
Thanks
FEBA
You are a one, laugh. I thought all those class stories were from books like Biggles, It's good to see you give those rotters from the other ranks what for, show em who's boss eh.
I hope you don't mind but I've been through this thread and I reckon you are, in the words of my probation officer, an 'agent provocateur'
Poacher turned game keeper I now run a club for lads who have done a bit of time or porridge as they call it, and am trying to help them get back on the straight and narrow.
My nice man approach is being abused. Will you come along and give them the benefit of strict RAF discipline.
Thanks
FEBA
OFF-ICER..Def; One who often 'departs the ice.' Ie. Inability to co-ordinate ones body and mind into a seemingly natural sense of equlibrium. Lacks the ability to stay conscious without the stalwart intervention of the SNCO..................
Invitations open as to what the SNCO may stand for....best reply wins a commision in the service of their choice!!
Invitations open as to what the SNCO may stand for....best reply wins a commision in the service of their choice!!
As I remember it, wasn't it something like:
Air Vice Marshal
1. Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
2. Is more powerful than a locomotive
3. Is faster than a speeding bullet
4. Walks on water
5. Sits at the right hand of God
Air Commodore
1. Leaps short buildings with a single bound
2. Is more powerful than a switch engine
3. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
4. Walks on water on calm days
5. Talks to God directly
Group Captain
1. Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
2. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
3. Is faster than a speeding BB
4. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
5. Talks to God through His liaison staff
Wing Commander
1. Barely clears a modular tent
2. Loses tug of war with a locomotive
3. Can fire a speeding bullet
4. Swims well
5. Talks to himself
Squadron Leader
1. Makes high marks on walls
2. Is run over by locomotives
3. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
4. Treads water
5. Talks to animals
Flight Lieutenant
1. Climbs walls continually
2. Rides the rails
3. Plays Russian Roulette
4. Walks on thin ice
5. Prays a lot
Flying Officer
1. Runs into buildings
2. Recognises locomotives two out of three times
3. Is not issued ammunition
4. Can stay afloat with a life jacket
5. Talks to walls
Pilot Officer
1. Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
2. Says "Look at the choo-choo"
3. Wets himself with a water pistol
4. Plays in mud puddles
5. Mumbles to himself
Warrant Officer/Master Aircrew
1. Lifts buildings and walks under them
2. Kicks locomotives off the tracks
3. Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
4. Freezes water with a single glance
5. Is God!
I say, SS, what a spiffing jape this all is; could keep one amused until tea-time. Speaking of which, where do you get those jolly little smiling faces that appear on your post?
Walleye, learn this and repeat verbatim when asked, regardless of rank there's very little reply to the above (although methinks perhaps I will be proved wrong below).
Don't let them fob you off with any old twaddle about being a Wizzy or a Wuzzy or whatever those chaps are called. You want to be a pilot and grow a fine moustache and be admired the length and breadth of the kingdom. Remember, tell them that you've never seen a television, you were in the first XI and the first XV, Daddy is something in the city and Mummy makes jam.
JAFO
Air Vice Marshal
1. Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
2. Is more powerful than a locomotive
3. Is faster than a speeding bullet
4. Walks on water
5. Sits at the right hand of God
Air Commodore
1. Leaps short buildings with a single bound
2. Is more powerful than a switch engine
3. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
4. Walks on water on calm days
5. Talks to God directly
Group Captain
1. Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
2. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
3. Is faster than a speeding BB
4. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
5. Talks to God through His liaison staff
Wing Commander
1. Barely clears a modular tent
2. Loses tug of war with a locomotive
3. Can fire a speeding bullet
4. Swims well
5. Talks to himself
Squadron Leader
1. Makes high marks on walls
2. Is run over by locomotives
3. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
4. Treads water
5. Talks to animals
Flight Lieutenant
1. Climbs walls continually
2. Rides the rails
3. Plays Russian Roulette
4. Walks on thin ice
5. Prays a lot
Flying Officer
1. Runs into buildings
2. Recognises locomotives two out of three times
3. Is not issued ammunition
4. Can stay afloat with a life jacket
5. Talks to walls
Pilot Officer
1. Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
2. Says "Look at the choo-choo"
3. Wets himself with a water pistol
4. Plays in mud puddles
5. Mumbles to himself
Warrant Officer/Master Aircrew
1. Lifts buildings and walks under them
2. Kicks locomotives off the tracks
3. Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
4. Freezes water with a single glance
5. Is God!
I say, SS, what a spiffing jape this all is; could keep one amused until tea-time. Speaking of which, where do you get those jolly little smiling faces that appear on your post?
Walleye, learn this and repeat verbatim when asked, regardless of rank there's very little reply to the above (although methinks perhaps I will be proved wrong below).
Don't let them fob you off with any old twaddle about being a Wizzy or a Wuzzy or whatever those chaps are called. You want to be a pilot and grow a fine moustache and be admired the length and breadth of the kingdom. Remember, tell them that you've never seen a television, you were in the first XI and the first XV, Daddy is something in the city and Mummy makes jam.
JAFO
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I know it's all tongue in cheek but are none of you Royals woried about the fact that all the baldricks in this thread feel the way they do. I expect a deluge of banter but ask the question ...........if the work force think you are ........what ever..........then is it possible you actually are
all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced
all spelling mistakes are "df" alcohol induced
Last edited by Always_broken_in_wilts; 28th Sep 2003 at 17:37.
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Nobody has mentioned the classic quote yet concerning damage in the respective Officers/Sgts Mess:
In the Officers it's a result of 'High Spirits'.
In the Sgts it's a result of 'Vandalism'.
In the Officers it's a result of 'High Spirits'.
In the Sgts it's a result of 'Vandalism'.
Is it not:-
OM - High Spirits
SM - Rowdiness
AM - Hooliganism
and further:-
Officers and their ladies
SNCOs and their wives
Airmen and their women
??
OM - High Spirits
SM - Rowdiness
AM - Hooliganism
and further:-
Officers and their ladies
SNCOs and their wives
Airmen and their women
??
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Those of you that know me, will also know that I am rarely (very rarely in fact) serious about things these days, however....
I regret, that there are still quit a few Officers ou there who genuingly believe they are simply 'better' and more 'important' than NCO's.
The fact is that a good Cpl can, and usually does, a far better job than the average Flt Lt. On my last Sqn, the 2 x Cpls ran the Sqn like clockwork. Only when a Flt Cdr or an over-enthusiastic junior officer got involved, did the programme get ****** up!
As for the SAR world - I have never experienced the officer/nco problem- it does not exist, thank God.
Finally, for all you up-and-thrusting fighter jocks ('co you is the worst of the worst for this behaviour) remember one thing...
when your world has turned to rat poo,
you have had your Martin Baker let-down,
your safely tucked up in your one man dinghy,
and you are violently chucking up the inside of you stomach....
it will almost certainly be one of those dirty,uneducated, unwashed, ignorant, red-sauce eating, sun reading, nose picking (and flicking!!) underpaid NCO AIRCREW that will risk his life for yours, by coming down that bit of wire to pull your sad ar$e to safety! Think about that, the next time you are slagging us off
Power to AAC!! God bless 'em all
Kind regards
The Swinging Monkey
I regret, that there are still quit a few Officers ou there who genuingly believe they are simply 'better' and more 'important' than NCO's.
The fact is that a good Cpl can, and usually does, a far better job than the average Flt Lt. On my last Sqn, the 2 x Cpls ran the Sqn like clockwork. Only when a Flt Cdr or an over-enthusiastic junior officer got involved, did the programme get ****** up!
As for the SAR world - I have never experienced the officer/nco problem- it does not exist, thank God.
Finally, for all you up-and-thrusting fighter jocks ('co you is the worst of the worst for this behaviour) remember one thing...
when your world has turned to rat poo,
you have had your Martin Baker let-down,
your safely tucked up in your one man dinghy,
and you are violently chucking up the inside of you stomach....
it will almost certainly be one of those dirty,uneducated, unwashed, ignorant, red-sauce eating, sun reading, nose picking (and flicking!!) underpaid NCO AIRCREW that will risk his life for yours, by coming down that bit of wire to pull your sad ar$e to safety! Think about that, the next time you are slagging us off
Power to AAC!! God bless 'em all
Kind regards
The Swinging Monkey